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WCTR Script by Perant64
Version: 1.3 | Updated: 01/01/2005
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas WCTR Script Composed by Perant Version 1.3: December 17th, 2004 ------------ Introduction ------------ Fans of the PS2 Grand Theft Auto trilogy will know that at least one of the amazing radio channels available in Grand Theft Auto will be a talk station. The latest station introduces a few new gimmicks: different shows with different hosts, and different dialogue depending on your current status in the game. For this reason, it may be hard to catch all of a certain show, and you may have missed something while enjoying the great music soundtrack. So, every show will be scripted out and posted here. The shows will be scripted in no particular order. All shows will be numbered and grouped together. Just a quick warning on swears, none of them are censored. Also, spoiler warning! Especially for the WCTR news, which will blatantly give away plot details. ------- Updates ------- Version 1.1: First draft of the script. All of WCTR News scripted and posted. Entertaining America next. Version 1.13: Entertaining America 1 added, and a few errors were corrected. Due to a full schedule this week, Entertaining America will not be finished until Friday. I managed to post the wrong email address, too. Oops. So if you sent me an email, please be sure to send it again to the proper address. Version 1.2: Entertaining America completed. Minor spelling errors fixed. Big thanks to Aern and Soyars for correcting an error of mine: the speaker in WCTR News 2 who says, "There aren't enough drugs on the street," is B Dup, I thought it was Big Smoke. It did strike me as odd that Smoke would say such a thing, but B Dup didn't cross my mind at the time. Plus, a much-needed spell check was conducted, shattering my "perfect spelling" idea to tiny pieces, and then throwing the pieces down a well. Version 1.3: Gardening with Maurice added. Host for a portion of the script added. QUICK UPDATE: Very sorry that this hasn't been updated in so long. By the time the last update was posted, it was already a few days before Christmas Eve. I thought I could find time to update it during my short vacation, but I did not. I'm going to script out Area 53 within the coming week. Hope everyone enjoyed their holidays! -------------------- Entertaining America -------------------- ---------------------- Entertaining America 1 Announcer: "Coming up next, the most mind numbing thing since the lobotomy. Entertaining America!" Billy: "This week on Entertaining America-Richard Goblin, one man's triumphant return to cock! The Sherman Octuplets-a Venturas man says he's slept with them all! Plus-noise, speed, danger, cursing, and patriotism, finally come together this weekend, at the All-America Drunk Driving Cup. Hi from Vinewood, you're on Entertaining America with me, Billy Dexter, bringing you everything that is important in culture and entertainment, if there is a difference between the two, from the heart of entertainment in America: Vinewood, San Andreas. You're with me, the Dex. Wanted to call the show, 'Stack the Dex,' but not yet. Kifflom!* Anyway, great. Big show for you this week. Controversy, they'll be giving me a Pulitzer! Anyway, today, we've got some great guests. First up, we speak to troubled action hero Jack Howitzer. Then we have a live phone link-up with a very special guest, a modern-day Lazerus, a man back from the grave making now it as an extra in major motion pictures. Then, I will explain the secrets of the universe to everyone! But first up, stack the Dex, in which I, Billy Dexter, meet the entertainers in the news, kifflom! Jack Howitzer, once the biggest star in America, but the last three years have been unkind! People describe his as a dinosaur, an action hero relic from the eighties, a muscle-bound Neanderthal, and my favorite, the most stupid gorilla in the jungle. Jack, welcome to the show, kifflom!" Jack: "Ha ha ha, good to be here Dex, pleasure." Billy: "So your movies 'Exploder' and 'Annihilator' got America through some tough times, and I was also a huge fan of-of 'Zero Seconds to Death.' Jack: "Thank you, thank you." Billy: "But many say that your new film has gone too far." Jack: "No, this is a romantic comedy, with drama, it's got action, it's got a heart, that's what's most important, I think." Billy: "OK, let's take a listen to the trailer." Jack: "Alright, let's roll that!" *a trailer begins with a gong* Narrator: "He was a man at war with himself, fighting a war that someone else lost." Commander: "It's over Tim, the war is over!" Jack: "It's never over!" *gunshots* Narrator: "You've seen him wipe out millions of Cambodians in 'Exploder.' Now, Jack Howitzer is Tim, in his most challenging role yet." Commander: "We're here, Tim!" Jack: "A pre-school for slow children?" Commander: "You're the new teacher, Tim!" Narrator: "'Special Needs Cop!' It's the story of a psychotic ex-marine, showing tough love to special-ed kids." Jack: "One'a you tards has been running Peruvian flake through the special-ed school, and I'm gonna find it. No juice and cookies!" Boy: "Your movies suck, Tim!" Narrator: "But soon, he becomes one of them." Boy: "What is this?" Jack: "That's 'Teacher's Gun'! Wanna see it?" Boy: "Cool!" *gunshot* Jack: "Aw, you've gone and shot yourself! Way to go!" Boy: "Uhh!" Narrator: "He's was finally beginning to live a normal life. Then, all hell breaks loose." Boy: "Tim, you're so stupid! You count with your fingers!" Jack: "You wanna party with me? *gunshot* Bring it on!" Commander: "Tim! What are you doing!?" Jack: "I fought for my country! Welcome to the land of freedom, bitches! Yaaaaargh!" *many gunshots from a submachine gun* Narrator: "'Special Needs Cop!' He had a lot to learn. This film cannot be rated." *back to the studio* Billy: "Wow! That's terrible! No wonder our studios are surrounded by protestors!" Jack: "How could anybody find that offensive?" Billy: "No, Jack, it's apalling. Your insensitive portrayal of disabled people makes me physically sick. And the idea of you calling someone slow- witted is, frankly, laughable." Jack: "Hold on, hold on, drugs are a problem throughout all of society, and I fight them by any means necessary." Billy: "Yeah, but you use drugs-" Jack: "No, I'd rather die than use drugs. I use steroids, and some recreational blow. But I got the funds for it! You know, I got the money!" Billy: "Yeah... Don't you think you're just a little out of touch?" Jack: "Whoa whoa whoa, yeah, I'm rich and I work in Vinewood, OK? I'm not out of touch. Action, weight-lifting, and killing foreigners! That never goes out of style, Dex. My last film, OK, 'Loincloth,' about a wrestler whose dropped into Thailand and, I save the world by teabagging the bad guys. That's a spiritual picture! That's love, teabagging! That stuff ain't out of style!" Billy: "Things are more sensitive now..." Jack: "I was effected, alright, when Ho Chi, got hurt in 'Exploder'...I mean, I thought it was time to do something, a film that made a difference!" Billy: "Yeah yeah, but Ho Chi was a character. 'Exploder' was a movie." Jack: "Right! Right! And I was there! And I should have killed them all! Don't push me Dex, I'll give you a war you won't believe! That look in your eye, right here, right now!" Billy: "OK, now, Jack, all I'm saying is, you launching missiles from a special wheelchair, and killing innocent civilians, is somewhat insensitive." Jack: "There's never any innocent civilians in life. If the Reds rolled down this street right now, what are you gonna do?" Billy: "The Reds lost man, it's- it's over. You can come home." Jack: "I'll shoot those bastards with this! The family killer!" *a gun is cocked* Billy: "Jack, Jack, put that away, please." Jack: "What, this? It's a submachine gun! Come on! It's not serious! Oh, but you're Billy Dexter! Who put you up to this, Gorbachev!?" Billy: "No! No. You should calm down." Jack: "I heard what you said about me! You think steroids shrank my genitals!" Billy: "No!" Jack: "No! You said it!" Billy: "No! No! Put the gun down" Jack: "My balls?!" Billy: "Please! I'm-I'm sure you have huge ones." Jack: "That's right!" Billy: "Please stop!" Jack: "Come on, they haven't shrunk, touch 'em!" Billy: "N-no!" Jack: "Feel them! Come on, sniff them!" Billy: "No!" Jack: "Do something! Touch 'em-touch 'em or die! They're still big!" Billy: "Oh...God...they're huge Jack." Jack: "That's right!" Billy: "Yeah, yeah, Mom! Mommy!" Jack: "Easy, hey, don't grab them like that, oh boy, I was kidding. What are you, a boyfriend of mine or something?" *begins laughing* Billy: "You had me scared there for a minute, I-I-I-I crapped myself." Jack: "Take it easy, it's not even loaded." *gunshot* Jack: "Oh! Oh, Dex! Oh, shit! Oh, well I guess it was, oh, OK, Billy, don't kid around, get up boy! Get up, come on! Damn it! His brain is leaking! Help! Oh, there's only one thing to do-I gotta defend freedom! No time to cry, only time to die! *three gunshots* Welcome to the land of freedom, bitches!! *shots fired rapidly, glass breaking* Yaaaaaaaaahh!" *static* Announcer: "That was Entertaining America, showing you why America is so respected culturally across the world." ---------------------- Entertaining America 2 Announcer: "The most boring show, with a brand new host! Entertaining America with Lazlow." Lazlow: "Welcome to Entertaining America, this is Lazlow...heh, I gotta say it, pardon me, but, uh, don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years, just unemployed. But, I'm back, running the media. God I love the west coast vibe. Everybody here's so laid back and lazy... I'm here with a man who gets paid to talk for a living. It's incredible, what a concept! Um, he's called a, 'rapper.' Oglock, how are ya'?" OG Loc: "'Oglock'!? It's OG Loc! OG Loc! Ya' hear me, playa'?" Lazlow: "Yes, of course, I hear you. You're only a few feet away, man. Listen, I'm a big fan, I-I love rap, I-I think. I mean, singing songs about yourself, that's awesome! H-ho-how you livin'?" Loc: "Straight." Lazlow: "Really? Are you really straight?" Loc: "What? You gonna question me?" Lazlow: "Dude! It's cool. If somebody passes it to me, I don't ask questions, it's probably not laced anyway. So, who out there wants to talk to OG Loc? Caller, you're on Entertaining America." Caller: "I love the way you rap about the Lousiana Purchase." Loc: "Straight!" Caller: "You know the French sold us Louisiana so we would have a place to show our tits." Loc: "My point exactly! Yeah! We need more naked liberty!" Lazlow: "Exactly. Look, I-I'm no rapper, even though I dress like one, but I think I could really get into, y'know, gettin' hammered, singing about setting things on fire, shooting up funerals, badabababa! You know... Striking poses, smoking a lid..." Loc: "Exactly. You see, the Constitution, was written on reefer, by a dude with wooden teeth. You see, my clothing company, low down, homie-the-g says this: I love reefer! It's the rule if you're a rapper." Lazlow: "Wow, those sound like some great rules. You know, you get a lot of flack in the media these days, at a recent press conference, your manager came to your defense." Big Smoke: "A lot of people say gangster rap is misogynistic posturing by fake- ass idiots who spend more time in drama school then they ever did pimping or hustling dope. Well I assure you, OG Loc is the real thing. He's hated women all his life, he sold drugs to school children, he's murdered innocent people just for kicks, but he rhymes like an angel. And I assure you, it's all in a good cause. So either way, you could feel good about yourself listening to this music." Lazlow: "Well that was very informative. Big Smoke is doing a lot for the community, or to it. He sounds like a great guy. So I wanna get in on this rap thing. Do I have to breakdance, y'know, do the windmill? Hey, can you body pop?" Loc: "Come on Lazlow, you know OG ain't no playboy. I ain't down with that shit. It ain't gangster. I walk the walk, you know what I'm saying?" Lazlow: "Fresh! Yo, I'm down! I'm into walking too, but, I was thinking maybe we could have a break-off. I could spin on my back..." Loc: "You bein' funny?" Lazlow: "I'm tryin' to be." Loc: "Watch it, fool. I warn you, I got the streets. I got a rep. Me and my man Smoke, we took over. I've been gangbanging since I was three. Ice-cold killa!" Lazlow: "Excuse me? Gangbanging!? I never understood that, I mean, other guys in the room while you're-ugh!" Loc: "I'm ice-cold bitch! Don't make me dump on you, g! I'm the streets man, I am gangsta! I'm taking rap in a whole new direction. For now, it's about making words rhyme, and I'm going toe-to-toe with you in a minute." Lazlow: "Why do you rappers get so worked up? You're rich. You've won. Stop shooting at each other. You know, and you keep saying, 'I'm from the streets.' Well you know what dude, everyone has a street in front of their house, that doesn't make you cool." Loc: "Oh, we got a comedian, huh? You got scraps, huh, bitch? You down? You mark-ass-bitch-punk-trick-busta'-fool?" Lazlow: "Look, I don't know what you said, but I think this ought to calm you down, I brought you some malt liquor." Loc: "You'se a busta-fool. Lucky I don't hang you out the window or churn you out, 'cause I'm also a pimp. Including dudes, I'll pimp anything. You hear me?" Lazlow: "Oh, dude, I hear you loud and clear, you will pimp anything. Listen, how many hot women need a man? 'Cause, I mean, it's kinda been a dream of mine to sleep with housewives." Loc: "Are-you-dissin'-my-hos-bitch!?" Lazlow: "Uh, no no no, dude, your hos are bitches, your hos are bitches!" Loc: "You a busta'. What are you?" Lazlow: "I'm a buster, I'm a buster! Whatever that is. Dude, put the gun away!" Loc: "Don't diss my strap!" Lazlow: "I love your strap, you're a great guy. Look, I'm just coming down off the eighties. Please, don't shoot me, homie!" Loc: "Relax, fool! No one's gettin' dumped on. I'm a warrior poet. I tell a coercionary tale about life on the streets, you know?" Lazlow: "Only too well. That was OG Loc. Hey man, it's been a real pleasure. *Lazlow and Loc slap hands in the background* Straight. Yeah. Good luck with the music. Hope you make a killing. We'll see you next time, maybe I'll get to take some callers, like I want, if WCTR wasn't holding me back. Man. This has been Entertaining America, with Lazlow. Peace and chicken grease." Announcer: "So that's how you're going to be entertained." ---------------------- Entertaining America 3 Announcer: "The most boring show, with a brand new host! Entertaining America with Lazlow." Lazlow: "Welcome to Entertaining America on WCTR with me, Lazlow. So, the media. You may hate us, but, I gotta tell ya', we hate ourselves more. And stop accusing us of being liberal! What a load of crap! This station is owned by AmmuNation! I mean, have you ever heard anyone complain about guns on this station? Hosts are getting shot by them all the time, but it just gets glossed over. But it also means I now have a job. If you're afraid of your mortality, and never want to die, here's the solution. It's a man who's got all of America talking with his unique approach to spiritual matters. He's helped thousands, or so the press pack tells me. Chris Formage, founder of the Epsilon Program is here, hello Chris!" Chris: "Kifflom, brother brother." Lazlow: "Heh heh, what does that mean, man? So, Epsilonism? Is it a load of crap, or is it the future?" Chris: "Well, what do you think Lazlow?" Lazlow: "I don't know. Well, I mean, I grow my own religion, which is why I don't know, 'cause I'm kinda spaced out. I mean, you guys run around chanting 'lip balm.' Chris: "It's 'Kifflom.'" Lazlow: "Well, whatever. Both sound addictive to me. You know, only popular people are addicted to either. Lets go to the phone." Caller: "Hey, Chris, Epsilon sounds awesome! But if you read the fossil record, hunter-gatherer dudes had it made. I mean who wouldn't want to drag their women around by their hair? They smoked anything they could find! That's like so freaking cool! Then all the men would like disappear for days at a time, and you'd only hear beasts shrieking in the distance." Lazlow: "You know, I went to a museum once. That guy's got a point." Chris: "Points are irrelevant, Lazlow. Let me ask you something. Do you want to be happy, Lazlow?" Lazlow: "What kind of question is that? Yes, obviously." Chris: "Then why do you mock the happiness of others?" Lazlow: "Well, I mean, this is Vinewood, we're all supposed to be like psychotic, and dog-eat-dog, and, y'know, bang your best friend's wife. I mean, I'm with that last guy. We all have a primitive side there, Chris. I mean, you should have heard the music I used to like in the eighties, it was real-it was hysterical..." Chris: "What's hysterical about being descended from a sponge, and not knowing it?" Lazlow: "Huh?" Chris: "What's funny about being told that the world is millions of years old when in fact it's only a hundred and fifty-seven years old-fact!-and its age does not change?" Lazlow: "There's nothing funny about that. It's just...weird. You know, that voice of yours man, holy shit! I could believe anything you say!" Chris: "My time has come Lazlow, and so has yours, if! If you let it." Lazlow: "Um, well, you know what, that sounds good to me... Hey, wait! Are you gonna try to sign me up for the military? That happened once before. I mean, I'm into killing people, and I can say, 'I'll cry when I'm done killing!' and then there's hope-" Chris: "Listen my friend, you can mock, but I know the truth about you. I can see past your jokes and into that scared little boy beneath. You, you my friend, like a lot of other people, are being lied to." Lazlow: "I totally agree with you, finally. Inversion therapy! I owe my Mom a huge apology, ugh!" Chris: "Listen, pick a new set of lies! Mine are better. Let me ask you something. When did you last get laid, Lazlow?" Lazlow: "Heh... Speaking of lies... Wait, look, I'm not an egg." Chris: "I got laid this morning. By twins." Lazlow: "Whoa..." Chris: "They each laid an egg, and I formed out of them." Lazlow: "What are you talking about? Great, a horny cult leader with a breakfast fixation. I love it! You know, I'm thinking of a cult centered around grits. Oh wait, sorry, there already is one, and it's called, 'The South...'" Chris: "For the last time, this is not a cult, Lazlow. It's a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges. Every single thing we do is voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up." Lazlow: "Why is this whole town obsessed with swinging? *sigh* Let's go to the phones." Caller: "Hey, Lazlow, love the show man. Hey, I really love to make out with hot chicks in church." Chris: "Perfect. Join us. We've put a price on salvation, and it's a price worth paying, believe me. Look, if you crave sexual conquest, family betrayal, class warfare, and really feeling like you are a part of something, then just do it. Just do it, it's so easy! Join the Epsilon group." Lazlow: "Uh...Chris, stop trying to recruit people. I mean, you even say you just make this stuff up." Darius: "Hi, L-Lazlow!" Lazlow: "Ah, Darius Fontaine! Look, I told you to leave me alone!" Darius: "Look, look, it was an unfortunate incident that happened to your mother, but I was quite clear: grandmother, not mother! It's your fault it doesn't work." Lazlow: "I nearly went to prison, man! What you told me to do was illegal! In most states..." Darius: "Whatever. Look, Chris Formage is a liar and a cheat. He made it up! It doesn't help anyone, apart from him! The fact is, people need to face their fears! Remember, I always say that. Face your fears, don't run away!" Chris: "Darius Fontaine can kiss my ass." Darius: "Oh, you'd like that-would-would you like that?" Chris: "I don't think so. And I'll tell you why. Because you are the devil. People aren't really afraid, you know. Yet you make them kill their families-" Darius: "Fears have to be faced! That's what I always say! Just ask Lazlow!" Lazlow: "Hey, don't bring me into this ruckus, Darius, this is between you two whackos, I mean.. And you stay away from me, Darius, I've got a restraining order, dude." Chris: "Lazlow. The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something. Touch my cane." Lazlow: "This whole town, man...I think you've seen too many movies, dude." Chris: "You can be happy! Listen! Join us! Be famous! Find your true self. Have a breast, nose surgery, whatever you want! Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything. If there are no women, make them. From sand, from garbage, out of thin air! The rich cry too, Lazlow." Lazlow: "Well, that's an interesting theory, that seems like it was formerly with pharmaceuticals...but, you know, I would like to find about being rich crying, because right now, I'm poor, and crying. But, this is the west coast-I'm all into lesbians, man." Chris: "It's destiny. Vinewood only lets you down. In the Epsilon program, there are no series finales. It goes on, and on, and on. We don't abandon you." Lazlow: "Uh, well, we're gonna have to abandon this show. Great, my first show and the dude nearly kills me, and now I'm being harassed by a former sociology professor and a alcoholic turned self-deifying cultist. Please. I gotta get back to the east coast. This has been Entertaining America with Lazlow, on WCTR." Announcer: "Culturally, this country is flat-lining. Now you know why." ---------------------------- Entertaining America Preview Announcer: "On the next entertaining America, hear the new host Lazlow, as he conducts a hard-hitting interview with top-Vinewood starlet, Jenna Forbes." Lazlow: "Hey Jenna, thanks for being on the show. I've spent a lot of time with your work, especially the last, heh, the last magazine you were in. I gotta ask-are they real?" Jenna: "What?" Lazlow: "Uh, nothing, I'm sorry, that was awful of me. Do you-d'you wanna sleep with me?" Jenna: "Uh-no." Lazlow: "Now you're sure about that." Jenna: "Yeah." Lazlow: "Now, I'm on the radio." Jenna: "Doesn't matter." Announcer: "Wow, that sounds entertaining. Don't miss the next Entertaining America, with Lazlow." ---------------------- Gardening with Maurice ---------------------- ------------------------ Gardening with Maurice 1 Announcer: "Coming up next, it's time for the man who can grow anything big and strong! It's Gardening with Maurice, broadcasting live from his garden." Maurice: "Howdy doodles! This is Gardening with Maurice, and I am Maurice. Ever since man was kicked out of the garden, he's been striving to get back in. I believe all of life's answers can be found in something as simple as a flower-it's stamen, it's pistil, it's pollen, just like me and you. We're going to the phones, hell, you're on Gardening with Maurice, I am Maurice. Go ahead caller." Woman: "Uh, yes, thanks for having me on, I'm a big fan. Uh, I have a question. My melons aren't big enough. I thought they were keep growing, but they just stopped. My next-door neighbor has huge melons, and everyone just fawns over them. 'Oh, they taste so sweet! Oh, look how firm they are!' What do I do?" Maurice: "Ooh, I would love to see your melons! Look, gardening is a spiritual light, journey, where you become one with nature. However, sometimes nature needs some chemicals, to, you know, kinda, kick things into action. There's a fantastic fertilizer I use called, 'Pituitarazini.' It needs to be injected with a needle, so be very, very careful, and inject that right into your melons, and they will grow enormous." Woman: "Thanks so much Maurice, you're the best!" Maurice: "Yes, I know, I know that. I've been at one with nature for so long now, I can't remember what it's like to sleep inside! Next caller." Woman: "God, I was on hold forever! I've heard that facials are great, really make you look younger." Maurice: "Oh, yes, listen honey, I should know, when you look like a train wreck, you need a little make-up or some such. You sound like a lonely spinster with two pussies. ...cats." Woman: "It's the menopause Maurice, I'm having hot flashes, OK?" Maurice: "Taking a pause from men, huh? You know, I should try that. For your face, try nature's cosmetic camouflage. Cleopatra took milk baths, with cereal, each morning. Try tomatoes, too. The acid is great, it makes your face just peel right off." Woman: "Hey, thanks Maurice." Maurice: "That's me, fertilizing minds. Enough of you voyeurs down there, and your vicarious gardening, I want you to join in on the fun! When you stick your hands in the mystery of nature, and you pull out a worm, or a tuber... God I love tubers, so plump and juicy... Hello Mike, from Prickle Pine in Las Venturas!" Mike: "Hey, Maurice, first time caller, my name is Mike. I work on my lawn and gardening all week long because I got this raging Oedipus complex, and I like drinking beer and riding around on the lawnmower, too, because, you know, the vibrations are kinda cool. But what's really killing me is I can't seem to get these weeds out of the driveway. I tried napalm, I tried gasoline of course-" Maurice: "OK, stop stop stop stop stopstopstop-listen, listen, I want you to listen to me, are you listening to me, Mark? Mike: "It's Mike." Maurice: "OK, good, that was a test. I know what your name is, I know it's Mark. Now listen up, listen closely. I want you to pave over your entire yard, OK? I want you to just pave it over with cement or ass...phalt, or whatever. Listen, I have the Maurice mansion, completely covered in astroturf. Inside, and outside, which, by the by, is particularly handy when some big football players come over and we have a little midnight match of ultimate disk, in the yard. Now, when your lawn is beautiful, and green, all year long, you can focus on the important matters, if you catch my drift. Gardening with Maurice is sponsored by the Happy Farmer! Yahoo! If you're afraid someone will steal your tomatoes, why not grow tomatoes in your closet, indoors, like me? The Happy Farmer-hydroponics, and more. Next door to Blatto's. I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole, and plant yourself!" Announcer: "That was the show that generates more phone calls than any other. On WCTR. Gardening with Maurice!" ------------------------ Gardening with Maurice 2 Announcer: "And now, the number one show for vegetables on the radio. Gardening with Maurice!" Maurice: "OK, we are back, in the garden. I'm Maurice, and we must answer nature's call. Going to the phones. Greetings, garden-lover, what's your name? Trish: "Hi, my name's Trish." Maurice: "OK, is that short for Patricia?" Trish: "Uh, yeah." Maurice: "Oh, then, what I asked, is what your name was, not the nickname your skinhead boot-wearing friends call you at the rallies. Maybe you should do less drugs, and learn to try a bit harder. Next caller!" Colleen: "Hi, my name is Colleene, and my husband has a topiary problem." Maurice: "Oooooh, this sounds serious!" Colleen: "Well, he started off small-scale, just recreational usage, you know, doing horses and cockerels, the odd unicorn, but it's kinda gotten out of control!" Maurice: "Mmm, how so?" Colleen: "He just can't stop! I mean people thinks it's all fun and games, but what happens when the party stops? What happens then?" Maurice: "OK, just, just hold the phone, hold the phone and get a grip. At my house when the party stops, we pay the gimp, get rid of the sailors, and fifteen men start crying in unison." Colleen: "Well, that's your business! My husband's reach bottom! It's terrible! Giraffes, lions, elephants, rhinos, all of them, carved out of hedges! Penguins, dogs, velociraptors, you name it, he's made a leafy version!" Maurice: "What could be more natural than a man trimming a hedge into the shape of an animal? Very therapeutic! Makes a man feel like a god! When you can twist nature to your own perverse entertainment, then you know we've won. Eat me, Darwin!" Colline: "But now he's trimming bushes into a spaceship, a rocket, and a lance! He runs around with hedgeclippers and screams, 'Trim that bush! And our neighbors!' He even fashioned a shrub into a kangaroo, with a pouch, and he sleeps inside it some nights, ohh... He's freakin' out on bush! He needs help. Please. You got to help me. I hate hedges." Maurice: "Well, the Romans loved topiary, and look at their contributions to society. But as they say, if the grass is greener in the other fella's yard, then you bang his college son when the dad's out of town. OK, next caller! Whoops, hold on a second, I'm blossoming. There we go, all done." Henry: "My name's Henry. I w-" Maurice: "Are you blossoming?" Henry: "I guess I am. I've really come into my own in the past few months since I joined a cult and tithing money in exchange for spiritual happiness- and letting everyone take turns on my wife. Anyway, I have a lovely garden. Mostly carnivorous plants. A venus flytrap reminds me of my mother. She's in prison now. Anyway, it's so fascinating how it catches animals and eats them. I started with flies, and now mine can swallow a whole squirrel! Or a small horse, if I chop it in half first." Maurice: "Have you tried any experiments on human beings?" Henry: "Yeah, I've been working on that." Maurice: "Good man, good man! See, the secret of nature is once something is at the height of beauty and potential, it is time for it to wither and die. A bit like the British Empire! Because look at that whole place withering and dying right before our eyes-it's run by a queen! And if she had a pistol, she'd be the king. Luckily in this country we don't know the meaning of the word hubris. But hell, I'm all over the place here, it's so easy to get out of control when you're doing something that comes natural. Line two, you're on Gardening with Maurice." Terrence: "Yeah, my name is Terrence-" Maurice: "Can I call you, 'Telly-Welly'?" Terrence: "...Uh, sure, I guess, I'm growing flowers, but sometimes I get really angry and fly off the handle and commit herbicide... I don't mean to, I say, 'I didn't mean it baby, you'll be alright!' Then I cry and wear a diaper for two days." Maurice: "A flower is nothing more than an educated weed. And like all weeds, all living things need to be extinguished! Like a life-support machine, or a cigarette! Which I won't be able to smoke anymore if the fascists in the state government have anything to say about it with that damn Proposition 421... Tobacco is a plant, people! And if it comes out of the ground, we should be able to smoke it! Like coal! And opium! Next caller!" Man: "Yeah, I got a question. Why is everybody on the radio named Maurice?" Maurice: "God, I pray to the great gardener in the sky that you've been fixed! I hope they snipped your nuts off, because spreading your seed could be a disaster? Do you-do you have a question? A question? God, so many vegetables on this show. Tards!" Man: "Yeah, that guy was talkin' about bugs and plants that eat them. I got a better solution. Put pesticide in the sprinklers. My kids love it. I mean, the ones that lived." Maurice: "Oh, lovely. You're a lovely human being, you fucking imbecile. You morons in this town are spreading like weeds. Like little bastard dandelions, I wish I could just pop every one of your goddamn heads off. Hello line eight, you're on Gardening with Maurice!" Man: "Yeah, I heard what you said about bonsai trees, and you know what? You can stick that green thumb right up your ass." Maurice: "Ho-ho-ho, yes! Another man who grows miniature plants, so he can feel like a giant. A real man loves enormous trees, that he can have his way with! Chopping them down, and using the wood to fashion rocking horses, and-and suggestive whirly-gigs. OK, we're running out of time. Literally. But again, like a seed sewn in a hurricane, or a mushroom spore from outer space, the garden goes on. I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole, and plant yourself!" Announcer: "That was the show that generates more phone calls than any other. On WCTR. Gardening with Maurice!" -------------------------------- Gardening with Maurice Trailer 1 Announcer: "Have you heard the number one gardening show in San Andreas? If not, here's what you're missing!" Maurice: "Well why don't you just buy your vegetables at the grocery store, you sycophant? God, I just don't understand people..." Woman: "You go to hell!" Maurice: "Well screw you too, Mom! See if you're ever on the show again. Next caller, hello." Man: "Yeah, what's that plant that blooms every twelve years, it's eight feet high and smells like hell? I want to plant one on my ex-wife's lawn." Maurice: "It's called, 'amorphophallus titanium.' God, I love to say that. Amorphophallus titanium! The sound of it gives me a redwood in my khakis. If I come back as a super hero, I want to be called that. It's Amorphophallus Titanium, the rare botanical wonder! See his eight foot protrusion as he pollinates on everyone!" Man: "But why does it stink so bad?" Maurice: "It's about marking your territory, my man. You don't mark your territory, do you? You should try it! Pee on the front door of your office! Just see if anybody thinks of coming near you." Man: "OK, I-I will try that. Thank you so much for the advice, Maurice." Maurice: "Oh, I'm here to help, sailor." Announcer: "Gardening with Maurice. Only on WCTR!" -------------------------------- Gardening with Maurice Trailer 2 Announcer: "Have you heard the number one gardening show in San Andreas? If not, here's what you're missing!" Maurice: "Pesticides! Exploring damp gopher holes! My new walk-in closet! What's on your mind about gardening?" Man: "Tubers. And-and root vegetables." Maurice: "Oh God, not you again." Man: "Is it OK to cut the eyes out of a potato and eat it?" Maurice: "Well, why don't I come over, and cut your eyes out and eat you? What a silly question. If you purchase the Gardening with Maurice calendar, it's in the August section. Next to the picture of the firefights, and the cute Pomeranian puppy." Man: "Yeah, I bought that calendar. But on every page, you're naked! And in a different garden! And-and the guys at work make fun of me!" Maurice: "Well, listen. If you're ashamed of your human body, then keep your clothes on. I am blossoming in those pictures, and I wanted to capture it on film. But I happen to be proud of my human body, as much as I am proud of my flowers. When they are blossoming, I like to take pictures of 'em. When I am blossoming, I like to take pictures of it! Next caller." Woman: "Hi. I live here in Bone County, and I can't get nothin' to grow." Maurice: "Have you had any children?" Woman: "I sure do, I got seven kids. And some of them's got the same daddy!" Maurice: "Well, look, you've grown something! Little miniature idiots that look like you! Move out of the desert, you moron!" Woman: "I guess you're right! Well, thanks Maurice!" Maurice: "I am right! And I'm Maurice, on Gardening with Maurice." Announcer: "Gardening with Maurice. Only on WCTR!" --------- WCTR News --------- ----------- WCTR News 1 Announcer: "Next up on WCTR, the news. We try to make it interesting, and not depressing." Leanne: "This is Leanne Forge*, WCTR News. Foreigners are coming. Who are they, and why should we care? The FDA warns shampoo is killing your unborn child. Plus, protest continue outside the Zebra Bar Candy Company. Now, for traffic and transit with Richard Burns." Richard: "That's right Leanne, I'm Richard Burns. The aftermath of the devastating earthquake continues. Travel is still severely restricted statewide. Officials say there are still no reported casualties, which is truly unfortunate, as it makes for incredibly boring news. The federal government is still refusing aid to help rebuild bridges, and everyone is blaming each other. The governor is threatening to bomb Australia, despite scientific proof it wasn't their fault. Richard Burns, WCTR!" Leanne: "Police say gang trouble is on the rise again, especially in Los Santos. Sources believe it is linked to the rising drugs trade, while others blame the fascist pigs. Also in gang news, customs officials report a huge influx of Russian mobsters and cheap weapons since the fall of the wall. The governor's office said everything is OK. In Vinewood news, rapper Mad Dogg was celebrating the launch of his new clothing line. Richard caught up with him." Mad Dogg: "Thing about Mad Dogg is, I'm thinkin' about becoming a superstar. I mean, you know, I've done everything I can do in the rap game, I won shit hands down. Nobody can handle me, you know? Lifetime champ, no shit! Can I say shit?" Richard: "Oh, hey man, it's cool." Mad Dogg: "That's cool? OK, no shit! I got clothes, I got labels comin' out, you know what I'm sayin', I'm doin' drinks, I got shoes, tires, rims, thinkin', you know, next day just bein' a full on superstar, you know? You get to wear a tight suit, and nail a lot of tail, you dig? You know what I do in real life. Gotta get me a drink though, right now, 'cause I'm thirsty, you know." Leanne: "What a troubled man. Sounds like he should lay off the sauce. Also today, a Tourette's theater group, banned from the park. Unless they take up mine. And finally, in foreign news, a suspected US agent was caught in Panama selling weaponry to right-wing guerillas, causing a major incident, but we plan mostly to gloss over the implications and hope you enjoy some sporting activity tonight. The state department is advising against foreign travel. This was Leanne Forge, WCTR news. Let's be careful out there." *Note: Leanne's last name is pronounced "For-jay." ----------- WCTR News 2 Announcer: "Prepare to be scared. The news is next." Leanne: "This is Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Pop sensation Crow threatens to stop singing. America celebrates. And - movies, are they true? Plus - children, was Freud right? Do they want us all dead? Now, a WCTR exclusive, with Richard Burns." Richard: "That's right Leanne, I'm Richard Burns. Crime in Los Santos has sky- rocketed, with officials saying carjacking, murder, robbery, and gang activity is all on the rise. Police described it as, and I'm quoting here, 'Nothing to worry about.' I met up with a real-life carjacker earlier, who showed me the ropes." Carjacker: "I call it the three 'g's. You just grab, get in, and go!" Carjacked: "Oh my God, you're in so much trouble!" Carjacker: "You shut up, bitch!" Richard: "Yeah, you be quiet bitch! This is a news story! Oh, cool! This is great, this is quality journalism. Uh, back to you, Leanne. Hey, let's get blunted and grab some Cluckin' Bell, I have got mad munchies." Carjacker: "Sounds good to me, fire it up!" Richard: "Dude, you got any papers?" Leanne: "Youth counselors in Los Santos are heading to the streets and meeting one-on-one with members of the community. One citizen told WCTR the real problem with drugs." B Dup: "They always said there's too many drugs in the hood. Homie, that's bullshit. Plain bullshit. I mean, way I see it is, there ain't enough drugs in the hood. Ain't nothin' like enough. And that's the real problem with people." Leanne: "Police still have no leads in the tragic murder of Officer Ralph Pendleburry, whose body was found recently. Pendleburry worked for internal affairs, it was believed he was close to uncovering a huge corruption ring within the LSPD. A police spokesman denied the story. A San Fierro man is suing the Renaissance Fair for selling him replica weaponry, which he blames for a string of murders. Richard caught up with him." San Fierro Man: "I purchased a working catapult at the Renaissance Fair, and after a fight with my insurance salesman over my DWI, I began lobbing balls of fire at his house, and burnt down an entire neighborhood. It's inexcusable! The manufacturers will pay. Give me some money! Come on, give me some money! It's their fault! What kind of a person sells a catapult without putting a very clear warning on the side? I don't want to work very hard, so I've hired a lawyer. I'm gonna be rich! Leanne: "Seems fair enough to me! I'm Leanne Forge, that was the news. Be safe out there." ----------- WCTR News 3 Announcer: "Next up, we've got the news. This time, some of it's true! Who are we kidding?" Leanne: "I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Here's everything that matters, in simple terms, so you can understand. A dire warning from America's gun manufacturers." Gunman: "Arm yourself or die!" Leanne: "And, the Louisiana Purchase. Beads for women. Plus-wallpaper, something big is happening in home furnishings, don't be left behind. Our top story. Alan Crawford-manager of the rapper Mad Dogg-murdered! Mad Dogg recently launched a clothing label and compared himself favorably to Jesus and Ghandi while sniffing a lot. The brutal murder remains unsolved. Police suspect foul play. Richard Burns is at the scene." Richard: "Uh, no, actually Leanne, that story wasn't very interesting. So, I rode with San Fierro police detective Turk Martin, who is assigned to curtail illegal street racing activities in the countryside, surrounding Los Santos and San Fierro." Turk: "You know what's really cool? You get to chase these slimeballs really fast. And then if you hit someone and wreck, it's never your fault!" Richard: "This is so cool! You get to eat while you work? Mm, let me see that. Hey, stop now, bitches! Or we'll shoot out your tires!" Turk: "Put that down!" Richard: "Ah, dude, don't be a dick! Let me shoot out his tires!" Turk: "I'm doing like a hundred and ten miles an hour right now!" *sound of the car crashing, followed by silence* Leanne: "OK... In foreign news, a heavily-discredited former-dictator in Latin America is claiming a US government agency sold him weapons in exchange for drugs that our now being sold on the streets of our cities. Government officials strongly deny the claim." Official: "Why would we do something so crazy? We don't need drugs! We have good hookups already! Besides, do you know how much cocaine is needed to buy a helicopter? It's more than I can snort!" Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Stay worried out there." ----------- WCTR News 4 Announcer: "Next up, it's sensationalist propaganda. I mean the news." Leanne: "I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Here's what you should think matters. Breaking news! Strange lights spotted over the desert. Here's an eyewitness report." Eyewitness: "I seen some strange lights over the desert. Yep, sure did!" Leanne: "Currently, we have no more information. In other news, residents are upset at taxes funding the Los Santos Museum of Natural History." Protester: *a chant of "bullshit" is heard in the background* "This fascination with the past is ridiculous. I mean, I've been to Pangea! It was disgusting! Our ancestors were idiots! My grandmother can barely talk she's so stupid!" Leanne: "Also, organ theft! How to know if you're going to wake up in a bath of ice! More gang violence. We go to the streets of Los Santos with Richard Burns." Richard: "That's right Leanne, I'm Richard Burns, and I am in a terrible part of town. A town under siege by hoodlums! Gang and drug wars are plaguing the city." Man: "Hey, you want this bird or what?" Richard: "Yeah, just put it in the van. A huge sudden upsurge in cocaine sales
have been reported. The street wars between gangs of Ballas and Grove Street hoodlums came to a head recently when several senior Grove Street gang members were killed, while others were incarcerated. The police described that as, and I'm quoting, 'Excellent news.' Back to you, Leanne. Hey, has this been cut?" Man: "Hell no, it's good shit!" Leanne: "Bridges linking Red County and Flint County finally reopened recently after long delays following the earthquake. The governor congratulated himself extensively. In entertainment news: First it was the Bugees, then it was Love Fist. Now, the British invasion starts up again, this time from the Scottish village of Madchester. New band, the Gurning Chimps, are tipped for stardom. We caught up with the lead singer Maccer, when he landed in Los Santos Airport." Maccer: "The Gurning Chimps are coming to America, man. We're gonna take over. Mark my words and wipe my fucking ass. Lock up your doors, and get the drugs in. Madchester's in the area!" Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Keep it locked on, it's getting worse out there." ----------- WCTR News 5 Announcer: "Let's go find out what's really happening in the world. News." Leanne: "I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. We distort, you can't retort. Breaking news: is skateboarding turning your son gay? Also-San Fierro has been hit with one-tenth scale chaos, recently following a series of mini terrorist attacks. Tiny techno terrorists are suspected. More on that story as it comes in. A District Attorney is facing a long jail sentence after he was arrested outside the Vankoff Hotel trying to escape with well over a ton of marijuana. Police are currently investigating claims it was for personal use. Staying with pot, police are celebrating the destruction of a major hall of marijuana in Flint County recently, unfortunately the huge fire caused problems for local wildlife, much of which was found eating chocolate, listening to the same band over and over, and buying fractal artwork. Richard Burns is on the scene." Richard: "Oh man, I am wicked baked. Hey man, in the movie, you got shot, but you look great, baby! Who's the guy with the antlers! *a deer moans* Oh, shit! No, dude, dude, I was just checking to see if she was in heat! No, it's cool dude, she's your doe! Dude! Be cool! Leanne: "Ahem... Alright. Inhabitants of Bone County reported further inexplicable lights over the desert." Eyewitness: "Yeah, sure did!" Leanne: "Government officials blame the water supply. And, more positive news came from street good-guy Big Smoke, who today unveiled his new orphanage in a ceremony in Los Santos." Big Smoke: "Yes! Thank you, thank you. I just like to say this a great day for the impoverished and disadvantaged of Los Santos. And it's a real honor that I am as generous as I am. I remember when I was a little boy my dear mother would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up. And I said, 'Mom, I wanna be a savior.' It's a great opportunity. The Big Smoke orphanage teaches kids important skills. I was an orphan; I struggled! I saw friends make mistakes and get pulled from the path of righteousness, but now, thanks to the generosity of a great man like me, kids is gonna be saved. Big Smoke, baby! Remember the name!" Leanne: "In crime news, Asian gang trouble in San Fierro is on the rise, with problems developing between Chinese Triad gangs, and Vietnamese gangs. A government official released this statement." Official: "Hey, if they wanna kill each other, let them! It's great, it means your taxes go down!" Leanne: "I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Stay indoors." ----------- WCTR News 6 Announcer: "Is the world ending? We hope so, we need the ratings. The news is next." Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR News. News with the bottom line in mind. Top news stories: Was Moses really from Ohio? Chairs-the silent killer in your home! Now, WCTR traffic and transit. After months, all bridges have been reopened, Bone County, Tierra Robada, and Las Venturas County are now linked up with the rest of the state. Locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of xenophobia and inbreeding. Also, police are celebrating the removal of a major crack-cocaine ring by undercover police that has virtually stopped the flow of drugs into Los Santos. Richard spoke to a man on the scene." Richard: "That's right Leanne, it's another victory for prohibition. Police are really celebrating after this one. One officer told me of his amazing true-life story of how he infiltrated a drug ring, and how cool it was to get paid to get high." Officer: "Yeah, I was undercover smoking crack every day. You know, just to be one of them. I even took my wife undercover and made her a crack whore! Say hello to the news man, bitch!" Wife: "Hey, don't I know you? The Rusty Trombone, right?" Richard: "I doubt it, tramp. You're crazy. Back to you, Leanne." Leanne: "Police are struggling to solve the mystery of a container ship found deserted and full of bodies. The FBI is investigating. And government officials denied the existence of an area of Bone County that isn't on the map. Someone, who was unprepared to be named, said, 'The so-called placed that isn't called anything doesn't exist. And if it did, we'd name it something.' And-where is Mad Dogg, wonder record execs? The rapper has battled alcoholism and egomania for many years and recently missed a concert in Las Venturas. Staying in Venturas: it used to be a patch of desert, then it was a mob town. Now, it is the corporate headquarters of America. Richard explains from the streets." Richard: "That's right, Leanne. It used to be a patch of desert, then it was a mob town. Now, it is the corporate headquarters of America. Back to you in the studio." Leanne: "In foreign news, we have war, famine, pestilence, and a lot of envy aimed at our way of life. Stay at home, it's better that way. I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Stay alert; they're after us." ----------- WCTR News 7 Big Smoke: "This is well-known philanthropist, Big Smoke, and you're listening to WCTR. Make a difference to your community. Keep our cities drug free. Look, I'm doin' my bit, how are you helping?" Announcer: "Let's head over to the news room." Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR news, reporting what the morning memo tells us to. Pornography in preschool-a sickening shortage! And-shiny compact discs turning your children into killers! Plus-the Epsilon tract-a psychotic power-hungry cult running the government and Vinewood. Or, an idea whose time has come! The WCTR team spoke to one member." Epsilon Member: "Whenever I'm in trouble, I talk to my invisible friends. When I was a kid, my Mother always told me to be good, or invisible people would kill me. I'm passing that terrifying living along to my children. Like a virus!" Leanne: "Also-police are investigating the murder of Liberty City crime family, the Sindaccos, whose bodies were found in a meat factory in Las Venturas. Could this be the start of a Mafia war? Or was it a sick game gone hideously wrong? Either way, America's beef producers say it will all blow over. Los Santos police officers Frank Tenpenny and Eddy Pulaski are being sought by government officials in order to stand trial for the murder of Ralph Pendleburry. The pair, whom prosecutors claim have masterminded a huge criminal organization, have disappeared. LSPD spokespeople said they were undercover. Las Venturas was recently celebrating the opening of the Four Dragons Casino, a huge new pleasure-palace with a Chinese feel, setting a new level of optimistic debauchery for the country. Richard reports from Venturas where the Four Dragons hosted the Child Actor Convention." Richard: "Who do you have to fuck to get a free drink in this place? How do you stay fourteen when the dealer is showing twelve, you moron? Yeah, hit me." Leanne: "Richard!" Richard: "Leanne! As you know, actors are a shallow and insecure lot, often uncomfortable with their sexuality. But what's worse are child actors-especially when they get together. Jimmy from the canceled sitcom, 'Just the Five of Us,' was dragged out by police earlier today." Jimmy: "This is bullshit! Hey, don't arrest my bitches! I am a star! It's just flour, I swear!" Richard: "Jimmy, Jimmy! I'm Richard Burns, WCTR News! What do you think of 'My Five Uncles,' the show that replaced yours?" Jimmy: "What do you think, dumbass? That show sucks my ass." Richard: "And why do you still look like a kid?" Jimmy: "I'm fifty-one years old! I just look like a kid! I'm gonna cock-punch you! Uh!" Richard: *high-pitched voice* Ahh! Jimmy: "How do you like that, you liberal-media bastard?" Richard: "Richard Burns...WCTR News... Back to you, Leanne." Leanne: "I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. I wouldn't sleep if I were you." ----------- WCTR News 8 Announcer: "Turn over in case you learn something. The news is next." Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Unfair and skewed for you. In the top stories, everyone is trying to kill you, but at least you're not in prison yet. Disgraced movie star Jack Howitzer broke his silence recently following his on-air murder of radio host Billy Dexter. Facing trial and a possible death sentence, Howitzer spoke to Richard. WCTR would like to be clear; we did pay for this interview." Richard: "That's right Leanne, I am Richard Burns, here, in Los Santos prison. As we all know, since politicians stopped musicians from coming here about shooting your woman on drugs, everyone is now questioning their sexuality. Jack Howitzer, you're facing a death sentence. How do you feel about that?" Jack: "I broke out of a POW camp in Korea, alright? So I'll be out of here soon." Richard: "Correct me if I'm wrong, that was a movie, and it wasn't real." Jack: "Oh no, it was real, I'm a veteran, of over forty films. But I've got a different Ho Chi now, say hello to the news man, Ho Chi." Ho Chi: "Um...hello." Jack: "You want me to kill you like the last Ho Chi? Say it like an Asian girl!" Ho Chi: "Uh, hewwo, hi." Richard: "Wow Jack Howitzer, that is a fine prison bitch. Where can I get one of those? Ha ha! Richard Burns, WCTR News!" Leanne: "The trial of allegedly disgraced police officers Frank Tenpenny and Eddy Pulaski began yesterday. Although Mr. Pulaski was not at court personally, prosecutors maintain both are guilty of murder, racketeering, drug-running, and sexual offenses. Defense maintain officers were just doing their job. Government officials are denying any knowledge of black helicopters that were recently seen flying over the state." Official: "Black helicopters? Huh. What black helicopters?" Leanne: "That clears it up. A Las Venturas institution Caligula's forced to admit that it was recently robbed. It's the first major heist carried out on a Venturas Casino in thirty years. Government officials are not ruling out foul play. Meanwhile, no explanation has been forthcoming as to why the Sherman Dam stopped generating electricity for a few hours recently. One bystander blamed aliens, who drink electricity before deflowering virgins. I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. It's going to get worse. Trust me." ----------- WCTR News 9 Announcer: "Next up, the reason you're afraid. The news!" Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Reporting what makes the administration happy. Today's top stories-do trees cause baldness? Is noise the new silent enemy of your family? And a special report on France-one nation's obsession with stand-up toilets. *splat* Breaking WCTR news! Navy officials are denying that a Hydra plane was stolen from a marine amphibious assault ship recently, despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. Tax payers on the seen are not happy." Tax payer: "I pay my taxes, that jet is supposed to be bombing schools!" Leanne: "The FBI is investigating possible links between the massacre of Forelli family members and the slaying of the Sindacco family. Unconfirmed reports suggest a similar style of execution was used in both hits. An official commented, 'It could be a worm hole in space.' I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. Don't turn it off. Trust me." ------------ WCTR News 10 Leanne: "Breaking WCTR News! We go to Richard in Los Santos!" Richard: *burps* "Dude...I am shit-faced! Leanne? Los Santos is in flames! This riot is spectacular, man! I mean...I can't even describe...store fronts are being smashed everywhere! There is some great...stuff to be had. There is free beer for everybody, dude, I've been loading up! This is capitalism as it was meant to be, baby! Hey! Hey! Get away from my newsvan! *gunshot* Yeah, that's right, I'm packin', ha ha, I'm Richard Burns, bitch! *more gunshots* Uh, police advise a state of martial law has been declared, you should stay in your homes, senators are burning your constitution, blah blah blippity bloopity blabbity blabbity blah, I'm Richard Burns, WCTR News! Jimmy! Jimmy! Get me some more beer out of the back of the van and clear out some space." Jimmy: "What?" Richard: "We're gonna get ourselves a big screen." Leanne: "We'll keep you posted. Now back to regular programming." ------------ WCTR News 11 Announcer: "Wanna be too scared to go outside? The news is next." Leanne: "Leanne Forge, WCTR state controlled news. Progged up! Today's top stories: why hatred is good for you! Foreigners: worse than we thought! And our top story concerns the death of recently-cleared police office Frank Tenpenny. His body was found in the aftermath of the recent riot set off by his acquittal. Coroners took several days to identify the body which had been mutilated and stripped by the homeless. More on the riot of the century! How do we keep it from happening again? Richard is on the streets with rescue workers." Richard: "Uh, Leanne, I don't know if you've ever covered a riot...*burps* but the scene here is amazing! Rescue workers are opening up a car with the jaws of life right here! It is so cool! Woman: "*banging on a door, very muffled* "I'm on fire, help me out of here!" Richard: "Hey! Shut up, bitch! I'm interviewing! You're ruining my report, shut up! Hey, hey, rescue guy, come here, come here. Richard Burns, WCTR News. How's it goin'? Rescue worker: "You dumbass, I'm trying to save this woman! Get out of here!" Richard: "*mocking* Oh, I'm trying to save this woman, step back. Yeah, well, see if I give you any beers from my news truck, you overpaid prick! Leanne, this town is going to need some healing. Back to you. *burps* Hey, why don't you use the jaws of life on your fat wife, dude? Ha ha ha...did you hear me rank him, that was rad!" Leanne: "I'm so glad you're OK, Richard." Richard: "Hey baby, are we off the air? I looted some great stuff for our apartment! A fat bearskin rug, a new blender, a double ender, a-" Leanne: "Ahem...currently we have no more information. And in entertainment news, the comeback of the year! Disgraced drunkard Mad Dogg, who was recently saved from jumping to his death by his mystery assistant, is on top of the charts with a new album and a sell-out tour plan." Mad Dogg: "Yes, people! The wait is over! Mad Dogg is back, on the top where I belong, baby! Number one! Now I wanna set the records straight at this point. I've been hearing all kinds of shit like I was drunk and I was on some drugs, and I had a breakdown and some shit, I was never in a hotel in Las Venturas. That's bullshit. They just hatin' on a playa, man, they've been hatin' on me since I was in baby shoes. I was in the studio, yeah! Took a little time off. I watched y'all rappers get out there and try to do your thing, but now I'm ready to drop this dog shit on yo' whack-ass rappers. I got a new manager, his name is Carl Johnson, and we gonna take this rap game to a new level by storm, for a second time! Yeah bitches, sign up right now to get in my ho roster. It's gon' be big. Yeah, get-take a number ho, take a number." Leanne: "I'm Leanne Forge, WCTR News. This is the end, and a new beginning." ------- Contact ------- You can e-mail me at Perant@gmail.com. Please put "WCTR Script" in the subject line to ensure that I'll read the email. Please email me if you spot a grammar or spelling error, or any error for that matter. --------- Copyright --------- This may not be reproduced under any circumstances except for personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or otherwise distributed publicly without advance written permission. Use of this guide on any other web site or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited, and a violation of copyright. Copyright 2004 Anthony Perrone. Please do not post this script on any website without my permission. The paranormal-hunting team S.A.P.I. over at www.sanandreas-paranormal.tk has been permitted to host Entertaining America 3 for purposes of analyzing Chris Formage's words. Good luck hunting, guys!