This top ten starts with an oldie but goodie known to us as Karate Champ. With no buttons on this fighing game using two joysticks seemed too troublesome for the average gamer. That is until you find out that it only takes one hit to win or lose this game. Best strategy: Jump in the air and kick the crap out of the other guy. He's bound to fall for it eventually. I mean think about it... this was way back in the day. Blocking was barely even a concept back then, so you were a bit more dependent upon the use of dodging.... what very little you could do of that to begin with! For some reason, the jump kick was like getting bitched slapped by God..... It came from above and just made you feel like less of man afterwards.
And on to a pretty obvious act of cheesdom. Before the fighting systems of games became a bit elaborate with the option of teching a hit to take no damage, or to simple dodge the attack with ease, we were still encumbant upon blocking and slight dodging. The dodging that came into effect in this game was mainly jumping into the air and hoping for the best. But this game even gave you an icon of a block of cheese for winning for this next method. When you saw your health was running dangerously low... you know what I mean... when a fly can land on your shoulder and you pass out like 14 year old girl at a Justin Timberlake concert... you know that you were in trouble. So what would your opponent do to win? TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION THAT'S WHAT!!!! They would send fireball after fireball in your direction, knowing that you can't block them without taking block damage, or just pounding you with special moves to make you do block damage as well. Abusing this block damage feature was great against the computer, but doing against another person is just wrong.
Now when this game comes to mind, it's usually for one reason.... and no I'm not talking about Orchid's boob fatality. We all think about the big time Ultra combos before games starting going overboard with the combo idea. Combos were like the equivalent to Pogs back in the mid 90s.... everyone had to have them in their game! So when the main combo game back in the day came out with a sequel, we were all just giddy with anticipation. The first Killer Instinct was a legendary game all in its own rights. You had to have skill just to play it to its fullest. But its next one was the one those without skill were waiting for. The days where your knowledge of comboing were gone, and now all someone had to do was do an air pop-up in the right place of a stage and then guess what.... Infinite Air Juggle. Yeah it was a cool concept on paper.... keep a combo going in the air without the use of special moves... but when the concept was put to use, it just put us to shame. Cheesy fighters could now hold their own with the likes of Jago masters all over the world. And you know what the sad thing was? To prevent people from abusing combos, the geniuses came in with the c-c-c-c-combo breaker! But sadly you can't combo break an air juggle!!!! There was no fight on... no ultra... no honor... not even a chance to do a fatality after you were done. Just two slices of wholewheat, some lettuce, extra mayo and two big slices of that good cheddar CHEESE!
Ahhh Nintendo... is there no wrong you can do? Wait... yes there is! That damn red and black screen made my eyes hurt so.... oh wait... wrong idea. This is about the Super Smash Bros series. Now everyone knows just how damn fine these games are. Whether you are a control fighter or a random button masher, you were all equal on this battlefield. With a list of all star characters that each one could bring a new kind of element to the table, along with the grade A fun and excitement this game offered, where could the cheese possibly be? Well first off fighting games of yore used a simple life bar that once depleted meant seeing a game over screen. This game though let you take the punches like a crackhead running from the police.... you just weren't going to be stopped! So how did you win? By knocking someone off the stage to score a victory. Now no matter how much life you had, coming back to the stage to continue fighting was a hassle, and cheesers knew this. That's why once you fell off the stage, they would wait for you at the edge of the level and just throw projectiles at you, use the items given in the match, or just be a bitch and swing at you every time you were just about to make that life saving edge grab. Not being able to actually manage a comeback at all just makes everyone suicidal and fall to their demise to hear the announcer scream GAME!... But what he should really say is IN YOUR FACE!
Namco just knows how to make a great fighting game. You don't see weapons too often in fighting games, and that's what makes the Soul Calibur series so great. They did a weapons fighting game right. Well almost right. As always, cheesing found its grubby way into this series to make life hell for all those wishing to play with skill. Most would think that it's doing those quick low attacks that catch people off guard. To be honest that wasn't it since you could easily block these with the right skills involved. No what this game did was allow people to abuse the grabs in the game. Should someone block an attack, if you were quick enough with your character, you could move in and quickly grab them, often times using grabs that take away a good chunk of your life! And if that didn't send your piss to a boil, then imagine them continuing the grab cycle by just grabbing you again and again and again just as you stand up. There's no way to block it and should you actually manage to break the grab, all they had to do was quickly grab at you again. Losing has always sucked.... losing like this though just made you feel like you consciously made a decision to sleep with a fat chick.
You don't need the blood code to see red with this cheesy tactic. Mortal Kombat was a series that revolutionized gaming as we know it and caused games to have a rating system put in place. That's all well and good, but we're not here for a history lesson... we're here to show just how the cheesiness took effect in this series. Now admittingly this only really applies to the 2-D Mortal Kombats since when they went 3-D, it kind of went away. Back in the day we were amazed at the kinds of special moves and what we called comboing when it was just really hitting the high punch button over and over again. But this.... this was the one way to get someone to do a fatality to you in real life! By holding back and doing a low kick, you would do a sweep. The bad thing was, was that when you got swept, you stayed in place and fell down. You couldn't block... you couldn't save yourself... you couldn't even pray to Jesus Christ for mercy. All someone had to do was just keep doing this over and over and watch you fall to the ground so many times like a prostitute's set of clothes. And if you did have the skill to actually get away by jumping at the right time during this, the cheeser just had to do a simple high kick and then guess what? Deja fricken vu! Is it really a victory when you can't defend yourself? Well after seeing Finish Him way too much, I guess so....
T-U-R-T-L-E POWER! No there's no becoming a hero in the halfshell with this dishonorable technique. The Virtua Fighter series was long held as a series that required all skill and no button mashing. Many noobs, cheesers, and angry german kids stayed away from this game because of the need to actually practice moves and be really good at the game. This was a golden time in gaming... people were singing hallelujah and the streets were paved with gold because people could fight with honor. No block damage to speak of, grab abusing was an extreme minimal, and combos could not be used to solely win matches if you knew the way to counter properly. Yet darkness fell over the world once again. A shadow that took the form of swiss emerged and a new cheesy technique was found. Turtling is basically just crouching and holding the block button, attacking when necessary to just let the clock run out and catch the default win. I don't understand this! I hit you in the arm, so that should hurt! I hit my little brother in the arm many times and he cried.... alot. So he's only 14 months old.... that shouldn't make a difference! Damage is damage and I shouldn't have a match stolen from me because someone wants to fish for moments to hit me while I destroy their arms and chest and get nothing to show for it. I demand to see some bruises at least!
This was THE game back in the day. The one game you, your friends, your friend's friends, your enemies, the creepy kid down the street, and even your babysitter went to the local arcades to play just this game. You saved your allowances for quarters just to prove that you were the neighborhood king of fighters! So you can imagine the amounts of tears that were shed when someone learned the cheesiest of combos. This was a combo before the concept of combos was even thought of! Everyone always wanted to win with a sense of style and grace... a victory that could make you feel proud and shake the hand of the loser because they know that it was a well fought match. But when you fought someone that would constantly abuse jumping into the air for a jump kick, and then immedieately follow it up with a leg sweep.... well you knew that you weren't going to have the least bit of fun. You have to remember, we weren't that advanced back in the day and our skills were just coming to fruition. We didn't understand the concept of quarter circle forward + punch! All we knew to do was fight with our fists. Now granted we have all used this tactic before. But to constantly do this over and over.... and against little kids as well! Your soul was not worth the 25 cents you just put in! There is no need to defeat Shen Long if you are using this tactic.... he was already disgraced a long time ago and packed his bags to never be seen in a game.... ever!
I heart boobs! Very much! And I am pretty sure you heart boobs too! The greatest thing that God has given man to stare at since the beginning of time was placed squarely on a woman's chest. So how can this be a cheesy move? Well normally one would keep the age option of the game at... oh say... 21... 25 perhaps. But turn that sucker all the way to 99 and watch those funbags defy the laws of physics! The Dead or Alive series was known for having its bountiful beauties with massive mammaries, but DOA4 brought a new concept to the table. Different boob physics! That's right, each one moved separately from the other. Again, how is this cheesy? Well.... you have the insane age level mixed with two totally independent objects of lust and you have no way of completing a match properly. Unless you were gay, a girl that wasn't a lesbian, or blind, then your focus was not on the match. You were too preoccupied both with the two eyes in your head and the one eye in your pants to really remember how to even throw a punch in this game let alone win a match. This is the one time that you were glad to lose since you could fake anger, leave the room, and proceed to easing the tension real fast before coming back to continue fighting again.... after turning the age down to 12 where the boobs stayed put of course.
Now tell me you didn't see this coming. We're not putting a specific move on the list... no we're putting the character on the list! If cheesing was Germany, Eddy Gordo would be Hitler. To begin with he was entirely overpowered from the get go, adding on the fact that his cheap ass capoeria made him a god in the Tekken universe. Sure capoeria looks cool, but it's tough in real life.... so it shouldn't be easy to pull of those damn moves! Let me put things into perspective for you. I was using my boy Jin in this game and my friend put down the controller to go get something to eat. Well the dog came in the room and started chewing on the controller and accidentally picked Eddy. He kept chewing on the controller while the match played and beat me... winning a perfect! I was trying too!!!! My dog... beat me... and it had worms and one eye missing and he died 3 days later from being ran over by a station wagon. I'm glad that we didn't bury him at the pet cemetary so he couldn't challenge me to a rematch from beyond the grave. Another story.... my friend's fat ass beat me. Not him purposely.... his ass! He fell asleep on the couch and accidentally rolled on top of the other controller to come into the match and pick Eddy. What followed was a series of moves I never thought existed. I never knew Eddy could do three somersaults in the air without touching the ground in one match to hit me once for a one hit KO. Then the next match he shot laser beams at me from his nipples and shot fire from his butt cheeks to just dominate me. Then my friend some how rematched me when I was suppose to hit yes to continue and when the match started I fell over dead and the annoucer said you might as well lose because you're not going to win... trust me. To finish off the whole thing, my friend farted on the controller and caused the game to do a fatality on me by decapitating me. The game somehow earned a mature rating because of this. No matter what he is called.... whether it be Eddy, Tiger, or Christie.... if you are playing against someone with a higher degree of ass power, you are going to lose. No questions asked.
So in conclusion, cheesing is bad. If you do it, be prepared to lose all respect from your peers, have your penis shrink two sizes, and upon your death be sent to the seventh layer of Hell for all eternity. There is only one way and one way only to combat cheesing... and that's to slap the controller out of the cheeser's hands to get own semi-chessy win. There's only thing worse than cheesing.... and that's losing! So cheese all you want because you're a winner and get to do the victory dance! I dedicate this list to the man who inspired it.... the cheese master himself, Shay "Cheese On My Bread" Bryant.
List by Sanctuary Remix (06/20/2008)
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