Review by manitou
Reviewed: 03/28/03 | Updated: 03/28/03
My Hero - the not-so-Mega Cartridge
My Hero was one of the earliest Master System games, and one of the worst games I have ever played.
But yet, it is also a game of which I have fond memories. Why? Because every time I play a bad game, such as The Scorpion King or Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, I remember this and realize that maybe games have progressed, and games like the above aren't as bad as they appear.
Let's get on with the review, anyway...
My Hero has an epic, and moving story that will change your life forever. It is up there with the likes of MGS2 and... wait, hang on, this is a review of My Hero. I was thinking of something else. Let's start again...
You, Blue Leisure Suit Man (what a rock hard name!), and your girlfriend, a blob with two smaller blue blobs that may be eyes, are going for a walk in the park. Everything is going fine until Mohikan, a punk with - that's right - a mohican comes along, punches you, and walks off carrying your girlfriend/blob (depends on how you see it) under his arm. You pull yourself to your feet, and set off after Mohikan. But his evil army of thugs, frogs and bulldogs aren't gonna make it easy...
Oy... play this, and you'll realize just how far games have come. There are only two buttons, one being a punch, and a jump kick. The punch is actually a pathetic flap of your wrist, which seems to do nothing, so your have to use jump kick.
There is no respite at all. Thugs (who try and kill you by WALKING at you), dogs, and bottles assail you from all sides. However, there is a very easy way to get around this. Just keep on jumping towards the right end of the screen (which is where the end of all levels in old games can be found) and nothing can touch you. Bottles, dogs and thugs all fly off towards the top right of the screen and out of Earth's atmosphere, I presume. Quite why I don't know, but my guess is that your blue leisure suited man's kicks contain enough energy to allow the punks to escape Earth's gravity, and fly off towards the screen.
If the punks and their friends do manage to get past Blue Leisure Suit Man's blistering martial arts skills (Punching and jump kicking - he's the next Bruce Lee!), you die. It's quite unfair really, as given the sheer amount of enemies it'll happen often. It isn't too bad at first, but eventually as you get to the game's faster levels you'll see it happen more and more often.
Blue Leisure Suit Man can accumulate points either by kicking the game's many enemies into the stratosphere or by walking. That's right, just strolling along, when you're not dodging frogs or kicking punks, gets you points. I managed to accumulate massive scores by doing this. It says a lot about the game.
When you finally get to the end of the level, it all changes. It's boss time! You find yourself at the seashore for some reason (weren't we just in a park?)and come face to face with the asshole who made you go through this, Mohikan. Of course, as he's so rock hard (with a mohican and sticking his tongue out), you get a life bar. So if you get punched once, you don't die. Instead, you and Mohikan duke it out over Blue Leisure Suit Man's girlfriend/blob until one of you gets knocked out. Quite why Mohikan chooses to face you now is a mystery, as he might as well bombard you with legions of dogs and punks, as he seems to have an endless supply of them.
But as I said earlier, you and Mohikan go mano-a-mano (or rather blob-v-blob), and once Mohikan yields (rather easily, considering the hell you went through earlier) your girlfriend/blob joins you, and you, her, and Mohikan, who is crying and you comfort, all watch the sunset. Until Mohikan gets back up, punches you, and carries off the blob.
You could keep going through this cycle till doomsday as the only difference in each of the levels is it gets faster, with no real variation at all.
Pretty ugly. There is a park background, a city background, and a beach. The sprites aren't much better either. Poorly detailed punks, bottles and bulldogs, and a frog who would later go on to star in Alex Kidd in Miracle Land.
Two annoying little ditties (one for when you die, and an intro), two pieces of continuous music (I call them Walking And Beating Up Punks and Make Mohikan Suffer) and a few noises (a thwack noise for when you hit someone, and a bleep for when BLSM leaps). Basically, just bleeps and bloops. Not very good considering it is possible to get some sort of moderately okay music out of the Master System...
I don't normally consider the box that important on Master System games, but here I have to mention it. It features a fist punching a badly drawn punk, and above this great work of art is written ''My Hero - The Mega Cartridge''. It is not a Mega Cartridge at all, and if I had known what a lawyer was when I played it (I was quite young at the time) I would have sued under the Trade Description Act.
My Hero should be considered a crime against humanity. Its dull, repetitive, and frustrating gameplay, awful graphics and music, and its box (which features downright lies) should be held up as an example of how not to make a game. In fact, all Master Systems should have an ''OH! The humanity!'' button that when pressed, should shoot it out against the wall, at which point it would break.
This game came in both card and cartridge forms. If you have it in card form, cut it in two with a scissors. If you have the cartridge, jump on it, smash it with a hammer, or send it bungee jumping off a skyscraper without a rope. Go on, you know you want to. You'll be doing humanity and video gaming a big favor.
Rating: 1.0 - Terrible
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