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    Chatterbox Script by themm

    Version: Final | Updated: 12/31/05 | Search Guide | Bookmark Guide

    .::ChatterBox Script on LCFR, Liberty City Free Radio Final Version::. 
    This is a script to Chatterbox on Liberty City Stories brought to you by themm.
    If you have any comments, corrections, if you want to use this, or you just 
    wanna get your 2 cents in, you can contact me at magikmm@gmail.com
    **Warning this Script Contains language not suitable for Kids**
    But of course kids shouldn't play this game anyway. But don't worry its 
    *ed(stared) out. The only words that aren't are the d-word and the a-word and 
    one dirty word
    How I captured the Script. I played the game until Chatterbox came on. Then I 
    got my cable that has the 2 headphone jacks at the end, and connected it to my
    laptop and recorded it with ACID.
    This Script was written by Rockstar North. Probably Lazlow and Dan Houser 
    seeing how they both wrote Chatterbox from GTA3
    Lazlow's name is really Lazlow, in the game and in real life. 
    His full name is Lazlow Jones.
    **People who have contributed so far** 
    Matt Pizzashack 
    Filip Szczesniak
    Sorcerer Lance 
    Fraser Smith
    Philip Soliz
    Blake Adams
    Phillip Mazza
    Julian Nelson
    Wendy Heskey
    Tom Blagden
    Now for the script.
    *Updates from 1.4*
    minor corrections made. This is prolly it so try not to search for any
    mistakes, and its not like many people look at this anyway
    ...lol so maybe I don't have much to worry about
    *Updates from 1.3*
    Minor Corrections made
    *Updates from 1.2*
    Minor corections made 
    *Updates from 1.1*
    Made some corrections and added a Inside Joke. irishsaiyan told me about the
    clairvoyant thing in the conversation with Ursula. before I put clair voyance.
    *Updates from 1.0*
    I fixed a few formatting problems, added new inside jokes and general jokes.
    I also made some corrections.
    --Contents Use Crtl+F to Skip To--
    Matt and the Cathedral
    Lenny and Shaving
    Crazy Eating people man(CEPM)
    Ursula the White Witch
    Bee Sh*t Lady
    Vlad the Role Model
    7 year old kid
    Space Monkey 7 and LCFR Short
    Vinewood Guy and CEPM
    Toni's Ma
    Inside Jokes and other Stuff.
    --End Contents--
    Radio Introducer- Now, it’s the radio host who's been kicked out of Vice City 
    and San Andreas, it’s Lazlow with Chatterbox.
    Lazlow- What? Oh! Hey welcome to chatterbox with me Lazlow and you, the good 
    citizens of this town. Now you know the format on this show, you call me up, 
    you complain and we agree that the world is terrible and retarded and there’s 
    nothing we can do about it and we uh, listen to some commercials. 
    Yeah, hey it’s the American media, if you don't like it 
    your in for a bumpy ride. Now this is the show that gives Liberty City a voice
    you know pre-screened over the phone. Now let’s go to Kara on line 2
    Kara- Yeah, Lazlow You’re so right about domestic violence and the internet.
    Lazlow- You’re telling me, that thing makes me want to put my fist through 
    Kara- Tonight we're going to have a public forum about turning off the 
    internet.I'm with a group called 
    Citizens United Negating Technology For Life And People's Safety	
    Lazlow(kind of chuckles)- What?
    Kara- You heard me radio boy. First the internet, 
    then we're turning off the phones.
    Lazlow- Ok, sounds good to me.
    --Matt and The Cathedral-- 
    Lazlow- Lets go to the phones here, um matt, matt's on line seven.
    How you doing matt?
    Matt- Yeah, My name is Matt
    Lazlow- Yeah, Ok...I got that stupid.
    Matt- I wanna talk to you about urban planning and religion.
    Lazlow- Sounds like one of my favorite combinations. What’s up?
    Matt- People wonder why Liberty City is a town full of heathens, and why no 
    one ain't going to church here.
    Lazlow- DO they? Do they really?
    Matt- Yes.
    Lazlow- Who?
    Matt- Me!
    Lazlow- Ok so when you say people, you mean everyone thinks like you?
    Matt- Shut up girly! Listen this is important. I'll tell you why people aren't 
    going to church anymore because the Cathedral is damn intimidating. The whole 
    thing is scary!
    Lazlow- Come on, the cathedral is beautiful.
    Matt- Nuh uh son. It’s all pointy, and official looking. 
    And no one wants that! This is cyburbia, and what doesn't connect to the great
    computer will die. What folks want is a nice big post modern square building
    with internet terminals and foosball tables to worship in.
    Lazlow- Ok, let me get this straight. Your one of those people who wants to 
    mow down the great cathedral garden and replace it with a concrete square?
    Matt- Dude Wake Up! Are you blind to the future? 
    It’s right, it’s what God wants.
    Lazlow- Okay, and how do you know this, did he send you an email?
    Matt- He told me. Yes he did. He told me to blast down that awful monstrosity 
    and replace it with a beautiful concrete square. And if you happen to make a 
    healthy profit for your trouble, then it's just me moving in mysterious ways.
    So that’s it. 
    I'm campaigning to build a beautiful new cathedral in the old garden.
    Lazlow- Ok, whatever dude. Maybe you should be listening to the Electron-Zone.
    I love a man trying to profit off religion. makes you proud to be an American.
    Let’s hit the phones! Yo.
    --Lenny and Shaving?
    Lenny- (razor noise in the background)Uh, yeah, uh Hello?
    Lazlow- Yes hello, You’re on Chatterbox, eh what’s that noise?
    Lenny- Uh My names Lenny and I wanna talk about shaving.
    Lazlow- ok, what’s the trouble? You got a weird rash?
    Lenny- Uh Um, there’s no trouble, I just can't stop.
    Lazlow- Ugh, WHAT!?
    Lenny- I love it. I realized something really important. 
    Lazlow- Oh, God...
    Lenny- If you shave downstairs it looks a lot bigger. If you remove the 
    brush, the tree looks Massive!       
    Lazlow- What are you talking about?
    Lenny- Yeah man! now I don't have to get surgery down there! I thought I would
    just share that with a few people. Come on Lazlow, don't tell me you haven't 
    thought about it.
    Lazlow- Where do you get ideas like this?
    Lenny- Like, My mom said-uh...
    Lazlow- Alright.....this shows going, great! Alright this is chatterbox, 
    whatever’s on your mind. However big or small just give me a call. Line 3-
    Lenny- If you shave downstairs it looks a lot bigger.
    Lazlow(kind of whimpering)- GO away, PLEASE stop calling this show! 
    Hello this is chatterbox, please be a normal human being.
    --Crazy Eating People Man (CEPM for short)--
    CEPM- Lazlow your show sucks!
    Lazlow- Dude your going to get no argument from me today's show is rubbish. 
    What do you want to talk about?
    CEPM- Why can't I eat people?
    Lazlow- Oookay, who says you can't? What are you a socialist or something?
    Lazlow- Next Caller!
    --Ursula The White Witch--
    Ursula- Hi, my name's Ursula, I'm a white witch. I have the power of the night
    Lazlow- oh boy, hey your n-oh geesh...okay
    Ursula- I am your biggest fan!
    Lazlow- You’re not going to complain about my clairvoyant or something? 
    have you been snorting some mugwort?
    Ursula- Well of course (weird laugh) ahee ahee ahee.
    Lazlow- What is with that laugh?
    Ursula- Well listen, were having a meeting over at our cousin's,
    and we're all really big fans of yours.
    Lazlow- Wow, that’s cool. Listen guys aren't into chicks who say they're 
    witches and they can cast spells, and they have an alter e-I just think you're
    a confused Goth chick.
    Ursula- Hey I'm not confused, it’s my cousin we're really big fans. 
    I've got several photos of you. (Weird Laugh) ahee ahee ahee. 
    My spirit medium says we were married in a past life. and you know what? 
    I was the man of the relationship.
    Lazlow- Whoa easy hold on a sec, your freakin' me out dude. You know, hanging 
    upside down asleep doesn't make you cool or alternative. 
    I know, because I tried it.
    Ursula- Hey are you single?
    Lazlow- Yes, I mean no. I'm married...t-to three women. Please can we just-
    Ursula- Ok, but just to counter-act to what that guy just said. 
    I never shave, the dark forest is quite enchanting!
    Lazlow- Ugh, Go away, get off my phone get off my show! 
    This is 1998, the Millennium is upon us. 
    You know this is much bigger than the conspiracy of daylight savings time, 
    we are supposed to be worried about computers accidentally launching nuclear 
    missiles on us, and how to make a fortune investing in Cyber Kitty Liter.
    --Bee Sh*t Lady--
    Lazlow- Alright lets take it up a notch, geesh think off my career 
    here its going down the crapper. I mean I'm a nice person, 
    I deserve to do well. I've only betrayed friends once or twice. 
    And they had it coming.
    Alright we have Chelsea on line 4 who wants to respond to a previous caller.
    Lady- That guy was talking about eating people! 
    If you saw what was in our food, you wouldn't eat again!
    Lazlow- Like what?
    Lady- Like honey. do you know what honey is? its bee sh*t! 
    Who puts feces on toast?
    Lazlow- I like honey!
    Lady- Oh that figures. What a surprise who wouldn't guess that? 
    Oh, let’s just put feces all over our self, that’s disgusting. 
    The killer Bees, they're coming, trust me.
    Lazlow- And I trust our next caller over here.
    --Vlad the Role Model--
    Vlad- Hi, my name is Vlad, I am a first time caller.
    Lazlow- Oh don't tell me, you’re a vampire, ooh I'm scared. 
    What’s wrong with you people! 
    Your music is horrible, turn on a light, gets some sun!
    Vlad- No, I'm a underwear model. Why do you insult me! 
    Is this typical in your country? You-Your show is terrible!
    Lazlow- Ugh, Dude, really I’m sorry, really. I'm having a really bad show.
    Vlad- That’s ok, just saying, no biggie. Unlike me, MASSIVE! HUGE!
    shaved or unshaved, its like baby's arm. This is why I model the underwear.
    Lazlow- Enough! Enough with the personal size of the grooming of the shaving 
    or the growing of the thing. Let’s talk about Politics or Public Safety or 
    Dormitron Bondagers. Or something interesting! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS TOWN! 
    You’re sick! You know this rubbish never happened to me back in the 80s, 
    the 90s are crap! D-Do you agree line one?
    --7-year Old Kid-- 
    7yr Old- How should I know I'm only seven.
    Lazlow- Y-You are?
    7yr Old- Yeah, I'm a big fan of yours. Yeah, when I grow up 
    I wanna be a witty radio host, with a made-up name.
    Lazlow- Aren't you a little young to be listening to this show?
    7yr Old- No, my mom lets me listen all day because she 
    works real hard and needs long baths.
    Lazlow- Why's that?
    7yr Old- I don't know. After her tennis lessons she's always screaming 
    about what a dirty girl she is.
    Lazlow- Heh, Oookay
    7yr Old- Lazlow, do you know what F**k me harder means?
    Lazlow- Wh-Whoa-ho, uh dude don't drop the f-bomb. Uh, yeah I mean, of course 
    I know what that means.
    7yr Old- I thought so. I knew I learned it from somewhere. I thought so. 
    My mom heard me say it, and I wasn't sure if it was something 
    I heard her tennis coach say, or if it was something you said on the radio. 
    I said it was probably you
    Lazlow- Hey it wasn't me, this is a show sanitized for your entertainment.
    7yr Old- So, now your being sued. For a hundred and fifty million! 
    You’re going to be on welfare, HA HA!
    Lazlow- Gee, thanks
    7yr Old- I LOVE YOU LAZLOW!
    Lazlow- Ugh, lets take a break. God I love this town.
    --Space Monkey Seven and LCFR Ad--
    Space Lady- This is Beta Station to approaching Space Station SST. 
    You are out of approach vector, Please respond.
    (Monkey noise)
    Space Lady- Please Respond.
    (monkey noises)
    Space Lady- Oh NO! Their coming back!
    Announcer- He's back. It’s Space Monkey Seven, the video game that swept 
    through most of Japan and Europe. 
    Now America gets to destroy mankind all over again.
    Dr. Chank- Ah! Space Monkey!
    Announcer- After a Nuclear Holocaust, the monkeys leave earth. 
    But they return to destroy the dark simian research facility 
    controlled by Doctor Chank.
    Dr. Chank- Ah! Space Monkey! I stick those bananas up your ass space monkey!
    Announcer- Fight the Fossils, and not the ones in our game design department. 
    Discover your Origin. Give in to the beast within. Darwin's dangerous idea,
    just got worse. Its fun family friendly apocalypse that will keep your little 
    monkeys entertained for hours.
    Dr. Chank- AAAAAH!
    Announcer- Space Monkey Seven
    Dr. Chank- Space Monkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
    LCFR Guy- LCFR. Its freedom, and like freedom people are 
    begging to take it away.
    --Vinewood Guy and CEPM--
    Lazlow- Alright we're back on Chatterbox lets go to the phones.
    VW Guy- Yeah I agree with what you said about Vinewood. 
    That town has got to stop churning out heart warming Movies with kids and sh*t. 
    I tell ya, if I see one more damn movie with ten kids, a dog in a wheelchair 
    and some damn baseball championship. I'm going to start killing people and 
    blame it on Vinewood.
    Lazlow- Hey that sounds reasonable to me.
    VW Guy- Yeah it like Albinos are taking over!
    Lazlow- Oookay lets all have a huffalithium and take a deep breath, alright? 
    Next Caller
    CEPM- Hey Lazlow you ever eaten anybody?
    Lazlow- OH GOD! GO Away! GO ruin somebody else’s show!
    CEPM- You f**kin' suck!
    --Toni's Ma--
    Lazlow- Line 4 you’re on chatterbox
    Ma- Hello? I listen to your show everyday it means a lot to an old woman.
    Lazlow- Yeah, well you know the nursing homes love me, I used to love 
    broadcasting live from that Musty Pines back in the Ol' VC
    Ma- I need some help with my family.
    Lazlow- Well that’s cool, we can talk about anything on the old Cbox.
    What’s your name?
    Ma- Enough with names sonny boy
    Lazlow- Gee, okay.
    Ma- Okay? So this is how you do it? You get a guest on, and you make them feel
    funny about their names?
    Lazlow- Listen its cool grandma! Don't get your wrinkles in a wad!
    Ma- Grandma?
    Lazlow- Or wet your diaper
    Ma- You call me Grandma? Why don't you call me the woman who just put a hit on
    your fake-name mid-listed ass. How about that? callin' me grandma. 
    I call you dead Lazarus, dead!
    Lazlow- I'm sorry, it’s not Lazarus. It’s Lazlow. 
    Hello, turn your hearing-aid up.
    Ma- You bet you’re sorry. I come on to talk about my family problems. 
    About how my son doesn't love his mother. Real problems about a boy, who’s 
    confused and lonely, and will not take a bath with his momma. And I get some 
    bull sh*t from some Microphone fairy. 
    How about you shut your big mouth Lazarus, 
    before someone blows a hole in your head buddy!
    Lazlow- You know I ask you, why do I even bother? Alright the lines are open, 
    let’s go to line eight.
    Mermaid- Hi Lazlow, I'm a mermaid. I'm a big fan of the show. 
    Lazlow- Let me take a guess here, you’re having guy problems.
    Mermaid- Why aren't men interested in me? I'm a great swimmer!
    Lazlow- You know this smells a little-
    Mermaid- I don't smell like fish.
    Lazlow- Right, eh that’s what they all say. 
    You know, you can never tell that you stink until it’s too late.
    I learned that a long time ago.
    Lazlow- Well that looks like that’s all the time we have for, 
    which is, you know a damn shame. French chefs and Self righteous red necks 
    can't deliver the kind of radio I can deliver. But you know my buddy Donald 
    and I have some big plans for this station. Cbox 24/7. We'll see you next time 
    --Inside Jokes and Other Stuff--
    This little bit of info has inside jokes that you'd have to play the other 
    GTA games to get the joke. And it has some other Jokes that are funny also. 
    Well I find them funny, 
    Inside Joke 1 - Introducer says Lazlow has been kicked out of VC and SA. 
    you would have to play VC and SA to know that he hosted 2 radio stations. 
    VC he hosted V-ROCK the rock station. Which he was kicked off of.
    SA he was on WCTR. This is Like LCFR which has a bunch of different 
    radio shows. He hosted the radio show Entertaining America.
    Joke 1 - Kara is a member of 
    Citizens United Negating Technology For Life And People's Safety. 
    Which if you take the first letter of each word it spells a very dirty word. 
    C.U.N.T.F.L.A.P.S. Here is their web site, 
    http://www.citizensunitednegatingtechnology.com. At the bottom it says 1998,
    and during the conversation with Ursula, he says "This is 1998 people, 
    the Millennium is almost upon us." And LCS takes place in 1998.
    Inside Joke 2 - Also she mentions about turning off the phones next.
    Thats a inside Joke to GTA3's chatterbox, about a lady calling in about 
    Citizens Raging Against Phones. Which spells C.R.A.P. thanks to jy2002
    and Matt Pizzashack for pointing this out to me. I forgot it in Version 1.0
    Joke 2 - Bee sh*t lady says "the killer bees are coming" if you listened to 
    Chatterbox from GTA3, an Indian Guy calls in talking about Killer Bees. 
    And if you didn't know GTA3 takes place after LCS.
    Inside Joke 3 - Vinewood guy. Nothing much to say except Vinewood is the 
    Fake Hollywood from San Andreas.
    Inside Joke 4 - During Lazlow's Conversation with Vlad. he said 
    "this kind of rubbish never happened to me back in the 80s, the 90s are crap!"
    VC took place in the 80s and SA took place in the 90s.
    Joke 3 - Toni's Ma calls in to talk about, hmm let’s see was it 
    Salvatore she was calling about? No it was Toni of course. 
    She talks about how Toni doesn't love her. And the funny thing is in GTA3 Toni
    calls in to talk about how his Ma is aggravating him. And it’s driving him, 
    freakin' nuts. Then Lazlow finds out his name is Toni 
    because Toni tells his story and uses his name.
    Then Toni gets mad because he knows his name. And his Ma gets mad about names. 
    Inside Joke 5 - "But you know my buddy Donald and I have some 
    big plans for this station. Cbox 24/7. We'll see you next time" Donald Love is
    mentioned a lot on GTA3 on Chatterbox, and it does become a 24/7 show. 
    thanks for Matt Pizzashack reminding me about this.
    Joke 3 - Space Monkey 7. Nothing much about this, 
    except on GTA3 there is a game called Pogo the Monkey.
    Liberty City must love Monkies. 
    submitted by Matt Pizzashack
    Inside Joke 6 - On Radio Del Mundo the speaker says, "It's like my 
    brother-in-law who is fascinated with shaving himself" And early on in the
    show Lenny calls in about shaving. thanks to Filip Szczesniak for
    pointing this out to me.
    Inside Joke 7 - Space Monkey 7, there was a playable arcade game in
    San Andreas called Go Go Space Monkey. Since 6 years've passed
    between San Andreas and LCS, I'm sure the game got popular and
    released sequel after sequel like Megaman games.
    Thanks to Sorcerer Lance for telling me this.
    Inside Joke(s) 8 - Some People on chatterbox are from the Opie and Anthony
    Radio Show. Here Are the people:
    The Vinewood Guy = Greg “Opie” Hughes from XM Radio Show Opie and Anthony.
    Eating People Guy = Ben Sparks (Producer of the Opie and Anthony Show)
    Space Monkey Voice Over = Steve C. (another producer)
    Lazlow is friends with these guys in real life, 
    and asked them to make cameos in the GTA game. 
    Also, if you live in the NYC area, you can catch 
    Lazlow’s real life radio show on Sunday nights on KROCK (92.3)
    If you have some other joke or inside jokes you found then you know how to 
    contact me. If you don't know how to go up to the top page and find out what 
    my email is, then its magikmm@gmail.com. 
    This Has been the final version of the chatterbox script from 
    Liberty City Stories.
    Hope you have stomached- er enjoyed it :D

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