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Radio Commercials Script by ituku
Version: 1.1 | Updated: 11/03/05
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ ( G | T | A ) ( S | a | n ) ( A | n | d | r | e | a | s ) \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ ______ _ _ | ___ \ | (_) | |_/ /__ _ __| |_ ___ | // _` |/ _` | |/ _ \ | |\ \ (_| | (_| | | (_) | \_| \_\__,_|\__,_|_|\___/ _____ _ _ / __ \ (_) | | | / \/ ___ _ __ ___ _ __ ___ ___ _ __ ___ _ __ _| |___ | | / _ \| '_ ` _ \| '_ ` _ \ / _ \ '__/ __| |/ _` | / __| | \__/\ (_) | | | | | | | | | | | __/ | | (__| | (_| | \__ \ \____/\___/|_| |_| |_|_| |_| |_|\___|_| \___|_|\__,_|_|___/ _____ _ _ / ___| (_) | | \ `--. ___ _ __ _ _ __ | |_ `--. \/ __| '__| | '_ \| __| /\__/ / (__| | | | |_) | |_ \____/ \___|_| |_| .__/ \__| | | |_| ASCII Art thanks to: http://www.network-science.de/ascii/ Current Version: 0.1.6 (10-22-2005) E-mail: jpsaldibar <at> prodigy <dot> net 0.5 --Table of Contents-- 0.5 Table of Contents 1.0 What's the point? 1.1 Legal stuff and such 1.2 E-mails and such 2.0 Method 2.1 Revision history 3.0 The commercials 3.1 Castrodon 3.2 Executive Intruder Extermination Service 3.3 Janus 3.4 Ammunation 3.5 Sooth 3.6 Herr Gruber's Spa 3.7 Commando Pest Eradication 3.8 Ultimate Disc in the Dark 3.9 Renegade/Sweat 3.10 Hampshire Nannies 3.11 Cluckin' Bell 3.11.1 Protesters Go to Hell 3.11.2 We’re Psychotic 3.12 Starfish Resort and Casino 3.13 DeKoch Diamonds 3.14 Redwood Cigarettes 3.15 PSA: Your Teen Needs a Car 3.16 Mike Andrews live 3.16.1 The Yin and the Yang 3.16.2 USA! USA! 3.17 Blotto’s 3.17.1 Flour & Spoon 3.17.2 Razor & Mirror 3.17.3 Silver straw 3.18 Grin 3.19 Law 3.19.1 Law (AO-440) 3.19.2 Law (Changed) 3.19.3 Law (Work hard) 3.20 Visit Carcer City 3.21 Midlife Crisis Center 3.22 San Andreas Telephone 3.22.1 The orphan 3.22.2 The ex-husband 3.22.3 The son 3.22.4 The baby 3.23 Facari Film 3.24 Glory Hole Theme Park 3.24.1 Giant Rodent 3.24.2 Incredible Voyage 3.25 Celebrate With Cake 3.25.1 The wife 3.25.2 The son 3.26 Inversion Therapy 3.27 Rapidite 3.28 The Crazy Cock 3.29 The Epsilon Program 3.29.1 Less for God, more for you 3.29.2 This time, God, it’s personal 3.29.3 Science? 3.30 Bouge Cologne 3.31 Shine Perfume 3.32 Logger Light 3.33 Crimson Executive Spouse Indemnity Services 3.34 Sprunk 3.35 Abbigo Brokerage and Pawn 3.36 Proposition 602 (End mass transit) 3.37 Join the Military 3.38 Zebra Bar 3.38.1 Melt in your Mouth 3.38.2 Exotic Cravings 3.39 Proposition 421 (Kill all smokers) 3.40 Commemorative Miniatures 3.41 Intergalactic Wrestling Title 3.42 Proposition 832 (B.I.G.O.T.) 3.43 Dreamakers 3.44 Logger 3.45 eXsorbeo 3.46 Tropicarcinoma 3.47 My Five Uncles 3.48 Kilimanjaro 3.48.1 Big as a Mountain 3.48.2 Survival of the Biggest 3.49 The Cavern of Sorrow 3.50 Lustrious 3.50.1 Cat with the Fly Hair 3.50.2 Swap Meet Song 3.51 Eres Pump-Up 3.52 Creative Plastic Surgery 3.53 American Bank of Los Santos 4.0 Final stuff 1.0 -----What's the point?----- Just like in GTA III and GTA:Vice City, GTA:San Andreas offers players a fully functional in-vehicle radio with many different stations. All stations play a set of (fake) commercials in between songs and DJs. Unlike in real life, the commercials aren't 'targeted' to a radio station's audience- you'll hear all of these commercials whether you're listening to Master Sounds 98.3 or Radio Los Santos. The commercials in the GTA series allow Rockstar to make some very funny points about society- especially the era that your GTA game takes place in. It's hard not to have at least one favorite commercial per game. For me, it's the guy from Crimson Services (3.33) who tells everyone how surprised he was when his unfaithful wife fell "underneath the train!" Anyway, with that in mind, I decided to write down the text from each and every commercial in GTA:SA. It's turning out to be a big task- there are at least 50 different ads, and perhaps as many as 70. But all in the name of knowledge, right? 1.1 -----Legal Stuff and Such----- Only http://www.gamefaqs.com has permission to use this FAQ. That means no one else, obviously. Credit for the game and the very amusing commercials goes to the bright minds at Rockstar Games, creators of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. 1.2 -----E-mails and Such----- E-mail for now is at jpsaldibar<at>prodigy<dot>net, although that may change as I addmailboxes here and there to handle things. Stop here to check for the latest e-mail address. If you e-mail, please stick with the commercials topic- I probably can't help you to get past a tought spot in the game, especially if it's the firefighter mission. I do welcome any corrections to the commercials script, though. 2.0 -----Method----- Nothing exciting, really. The audio files in GTA:SA are hard to bust open with any conventional software (probably to prevent people from ripping the songs and posting them on file-sharing sites). But there's hope! If you play the "User Track" station without any actual user tracks, all you get is the commercials in between. A nice feature if you DO have user tracks, and a nice feature if you want to write down all of the commercials. The downside is that this involved loading GTA:SA on one computer, a word- processing program on another computer, and flipping back and forth between the two. Unfortunately, I've found that sometimes the game will skip ahead a bit after you pause it, so there are some gaps. And if you miss something? Better wait till it comes around again, because there's no rewinding. 2.1 -----Revision history----- 0.0.1 6-07-2005 Bought the PC game. Woo! On the first day out! 0.1.1 7-11-2005 Created the FAQ. Did 16 commercials. 0.1.2 7-12-2005 Added 21 commercials, and updated the older ones. 0.1.3 7-15-2005 Added 22 commercials, and more updates/corrections. 0.1.4 8-08-2005 Put the FAQ into the standard Gamefaqs format. 0.1.5 8-09-2005 Cleanup for submission! 0.1.55 8-11-2005 Posted by Gamefaqs! Added ASCII art. 0.1.6 10-20-2005 Added 9 commercials, and more updates/corrections. 1.0 10-30-2005 Added 1 commercial, made more corrections. This appears to be all of the commercials in the game, so from now on there's nothing to do but tweak and correct... 1.1 11-03-2005 And correct, I do. Realized today that "Kifflom" is a greeting, not a name. D'oh! 3.0 -----The commercials----- 3.1 --Castrodone-- Woman 1: Wow, look at him! Woman 2: Yeah, I’d do him right now. Woman 1: Yeah, me too. If he weren’t bald! Woman 3: You may not know it, but this happens to every man at least twice a day. If you’re balding, you might as well kiss sex goodbye. Even if you’re 16 and have a full head of hair, women can tell if you’re going to go bald. And that spells trouble. Let’s face it- women hate bald men, except basketball players. What causes baldness? Don’t take this the wrong way, but the explanation may be downstairs. It’s bald, and it wants you to be, too. Through a partially scientific study, doctors have determined that an abundance of testosterone causes baldness. And let’s be honest- who needs testosterone? Now science brings you Castrodone. Castrodone goes to the glands that produce testosterone, and kills them, protecting your hair and saving your sex life. Within a few days, you’ll notice a big difference. You’ll begin to look and feel different. If you’re willing to do anything to prevent the unspeakable from happening to you, take Castrodone. Remember, baldness, is loneliness. Disclaimer (read quickly): May impair driving time, map-reading, and home improvement skills. Castrodon may also cause periodic moodiness, retail addiction, face-painting and menstruation. 3.2 --Executive Intruder Extermination Services-- Man 1: Your home is your castle, and like most castles, there’s always the worrisome less fortunate trying to storm the gates. No longer. At Executive Intruder Extermination Services, we’ll ensure that you’ll live in a fortress, and live your life worry-free. Man 2: With my vindictive and back-stabbing personality, I always knew I’d be successful. But there’s a price to pay. Money gives me freedom- freedom to be scared of things normal people don’t have to be scared about. When it comes to people trying to get a buck off me, or come knocking, I turn to outside help. Man 1: Your home will be surrounded by only the best security equipment. Razor wire. Dobermans. Land mines. Night vision. And motion sensors. And if a stranger or unwanted relative should make it inside, all of your doors will be wired with bombs. (sound mechanical noises in background) Woman: But what about when my children need to go to school? Man 1: Your children will be equipped with bulletproof vests, and depending on if they attend public schools, stun guns and mace. When you’re successful, nobody wants to be bothered. Woman: I’ll slaughter anyone who even thinks of harming my family! With Executive Intruder Extermination Services, they do it for me. Man 1: Call today for your free home demonstration. The world is a dangerous place. For you, it doesn’t have to be. 3.3 --Janus-- Woman: Let’s be honest about things for a second- really honest. You came out to the west coast to get away from something. Everyone does. Let’s face it- the Midwest is full of retards! That’s we have the fastest-growing population, a massive economy, and absolutely no history or culture. You used to be a dork. But you moved here, and suddenly you’re cool! San Andreas is the land where you can be who you want to be. Change your name. Come out. Lie about your age. Form your own religion. Call yourself an actor and wait tables. It just doesn’t matter out here. Everybody’s at it! (pause) Woman: Until the awful moment when old friends or family come to visit. Janus understands. Maybe it’s time to- change your identity! Don’t let bad memories blow your cover. We’ll teach you all the things you need to alienate your family quick. They’ll never think of visiting you again. Select from a list of weird religions that involve burning things, singing childrens songs backwards, and loads of television worship. We’ll select a member of another race or lifeform for you to claim as your soulmate. And your dietary habits will go Pacific, too. People come to San Andreas to escape their past. We’ll help you lose contact with friends and family fast. Janus- it’s time to invent a new you. 3.4 --Ammunation-- (sound of glass shattering) Woman (terrified): My family! He’s got a gun! Man: Someone’s breaking into your home. What do you do? Call 911? It takes the police an average of 35 minutes to respond to a 911 call. In that time, a burglar could have his way with your wife, smoke a cigarette, flip her over and go in for seconds. Don’t let the worst happen to you. It is -vital- that you protect yourself! Do it- the patriotic way. (sound of guns and explosions) (Marine anthem plays in background) Man 2: That’s right! Ammunation has all the equipment you need to protect your family from the evils of a liberal society! Fixed, mounted, and shoulder-held submachine guns. Mortars! Surface-to-air and all manner of heat-seeking missiles! And just in to celebrate the Gulf War, pink and blue tracer bullets so you can protect your family in the dark! Start the week off right on "Make My Day Monday" with two-for-one on maim, strafe, and kill land mines! Got Gulf War Syndrome? Get ten bucks off all machine gun rentals! Hey, if you love your family, PROVE it- with a gun. Ammunation- protecting your rights! (sound of explosion) 3.5 --Sooth-- (sound of man coughing) Woman: Sounds like you got a nasty cough! Man: Yeah? No shit. Woman: Here baby- try this. Man: Sooth? Woman: Yeah! Sooth annihilates cough and cold symptoms. (sound of drinking from the bottle) Man: Wow! I’m seeing donkeys! Woman: Ha ha! That’s the patented cough-killing concoction of codeine, morphine, and alcohol. Your cold will be history! How’s your cold now? Man (drunk): Who the hell are you? Woman: I’m your wife, fool! Man 2: Sooth kills a cough fast. And for the kid’s chesty cough, it’s Sooth Junior, the medication that comes in a fun, animal-shaped container kids will love. Boy: Hey, look at me! I’m binging on medication, just like dad! Oohhh... (thud) Woman: Oh my God, he’s barely breathing! Man: No... that’s, that's just the medicine doing it’s magic. Man 2: Thanks to Sooth, his cough is history. With Sooth, you’ll forget you had a cough, your name, or where to properly go to the bathroom. Feel better fast- with Sooth. 3.6 --Herr Gruber's Spa-- Doctor: Zay say beauty is skin deep. But vat about ze energy? (sound of whip) Doctor: I have inflicted a lot of pain in my time. And some of it vas really beautiful. Woman: For those who know what it takes to be really beautiful, Herr Gruber’s Spa. Doctor: You are nothing! Do vat I say! Woman: After running residential facilities in Germany, Switzerland, and then Brazil for many years, the renowned German beautician, scientist, and disciplinarian has come to San Andreas. At Herr Gruber’s Spa, you’ll be taken to a whole new level. (sound of whip) Doctor: Have you not read ze book? (sound of whip) Doctor: Strength, good! Veakness, bad! Bad bad bad!! Woman: We won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, but these days, beauty is worth fighting for. Doctor: Oh, you vant a potato. You are less zan a potato! Less! Less! (sound of woman groaning and crying) Woman: Who needs dignity when you’re thin? You’ll never see people so skinny, happy, and undignified as when they leave our spa. Herr Gruber’s Spa. 3.7 --Commando Pest Eradication-- Man 1: It was 9 AM. The phone rang. (sound of phone ringing) Man 2: Commando Pest Eradication! You saw a bug on your child’s apple? Code Red, boys! We got a live one! Man 1: Your home, much like the rest of the world, is infested with unwanted vermin. Commando Pest Eradication will wage war on nature, so you don’t have to. (sound of helicopter in background) Man 2: Hello, mam. Woman: Thank God you’re here! I saw a bug in the kitchen! Man 2: You did the right thing, mam. We’ll take it from here. Everything’s going to be okay. (sound of gunfire) Man 1: Commando Pest Eradication uses only the most -lethal- chemicals to rid your home of unwanted life. Our team is composed of military-trained professionals that know how to take care of a messy situation fast. After successfully de-foliating Vietnam, we turned our attention to the homefront- your homefront. Man 3: We’ve got the situation in the kitchen contained, sir. But I found this! (sound of baby crying) Man 2: Jesus! What the hell is this? Woman: That’s my daughter! Man 2: Looks more like VietCong to me! (sound of gunshot) ("Johnny Comes Marching Home" plays in background) Man 1: Commando Pest Eradication. We kill everything in sight, so you feel safer. It’s the war on nature- and this time, we’re winning. 3.8 --Ultimate Disc in the Dark-- Man 1: In darkness, you only have your nocturnal instincts to rely on. Man 1: Ultimate disc on the dark! The electric, stimulating new game that’s sweeping the city of San Fierro! It’s a non-contact, contact sport where you throw a flying disc in the dark! Man 2: I got it! Man 3: Ooh, get him! Nail his ass! Man 1: It’s a new competitive sport for the uncompetitive! An aggressive, action-packed game for those who love nature and living on the edge. It’s harder than football! It’s faster than rugby! It’s about throwing a plastic disc and catching it! Pitch, then catch! Run to the goal and score! Ultimate disc in the dark! Just like a real sport, only we made it up! And it has a great social side. Man 4: Oh my God. What team are you on? Man 5: I’m on the other team! Man 4: Me too! Ah! Take that, silly! Man 1: If you catch it, you gotta know what to do with it! Some will struggle. Some will submit. And everyone is laughing! But it’s your quest to come out on top. This is a great excuse for some serious fun and a way to meet people like you- and never see them again. Late games begin every night in San Fierro Civic Park. Or, start your own game! And, because it's at night, it's not too embarassing to play a strip version! Come play Ultimate Disc in the Dark! 3.9 --Renegade/Sweat-- Woman 1 (moaning in pleasure) Woman 2 (outraged): Excuse me! This is a supermarket! You two need to get a room! Man: No we don’t. Man 2: Renegade! Woman 2: Oh, God! You smell incredible! Maybe I’ll join in! Man 2: Renegade cologne. For the man who wants to reek of masculinity. Nobody tells a renegade what to do. (sound of man urinating) Woman 3: Sir! That tree is -not- a bathroom! Man: Oh... really... (sound of liquid splattering) Woman 3: Oh! Not my shoes! Man 2: Renegade! Man 2: The Renegade man goes where he wants. For the smell of an individual, it’s Renegade. Woman 4: Or instead of Renegade, try Sweat. (sound of panting) Woman 4: The cologne for the animal inside. Man 3: Burp! Woman 4: It’s real sweat- because nothing attracts women like a sweaty man. 3.10 --Hampshire Nannies-- (Note- the British guy in this commercial sounds a lot like the British man from GTAIII and GTA:VC who wanted very much to be spanked- in GTAIII he wanted a nanny to do the job.) Woman: Having a child was the most miraculous thing I’ve ever experienced. When Ken and I left the hospital, I was glowing. But, after a few months, the novelty wore off. The screaming! The diapers! Blah! Let’s face it- nobody has time to raise a kid. Man: I realized after my third child, I hated kids. It’s not like you can legally kill them anymore! We’re at our wits end! Woman: I’m miserable. Raising a child has cut into my life of going shopping, taking exercise classes, and sleeping with my husband’s friends. What do I do? (classical music plays) British man: You need a nanny! All parents need a helping hand now and then. Sometimes full-time! At Hampshire Nannies Limited, all of our nannies were trained by professionals. In England! Your little darlings are our priority. If they act up, they’ll be punished properly. None of this ‘time out’ or ‘go sit in the corner’ business. We’ll bring your children up in the classy English manner- by making them learn Latin, and beating them half to death in a single-sex environment! Discipline gave us an empire! What’s more important- your happiness, o your children’s future? Call Hampshire Nannies today! Say it with me: Woman: I need a nanny. Man: I’ll bang the nanny! British man: That’s right! You need a nanny! Hampshire Nannies! 3.11.1 --Cluckin’ Bell-- (Note- The Cluckin’ Bell jingle) Two women sing: Cockle-doodle-doo, we’re a huge corporation Cockle-doodle-doo, and we can’t be stopped All of you protesters can go to hell It’s time for Clucking Bell From the factory farmer to your plate A chicken’s life is a sorry state Pumped full of chemicals, what the hell --(a chicken sings the next line)-- They even make my breasts swell! Filled full of hormones so they get fat At least we no longer slip in a rat I love chicken with a shitty smell And that’s why I love Cluckin’ Bell Man: Clucking Bell! Suffering never tasted so good! 3.11.2 --Cluckin' Bell 2-- (Note- The Cluckin’ Bell jingle) Cockle doodle doo, it’s time for chicken Cockle doodle doo, it’s time for a feast Eat a ninety-piece bucket, you can tell He’s been to Clucking Bell The chicken is a bird with a tiny brain So we assume he doesn’t feel any pain We shrink their heads and we breed them fast Six wings, forty breasts, then they’re gassed Cockle doodle doo, we’re psychotic crazies Cockle doodle doo, factory farming’s insane We denied it all before our stock price fell Come down to Clucking Bell Man: Cluckin’ Bell! If you enjoyed it, the chicken didn’t die in vain! 3.12 --Starfish Resort and Casino-- (Note- There’s something said after the part about the Giggledome, but I can’t make it out.) (Note 2- Many casinos in the early 90s were trying to make their places more family friendly, to attract a bigger crowd, something this commercial spoofs.) (Note 3- The music in the background is the same music for the Cluckin’ Bell jingles!) Father: Oh kids. You look like we’re going to another funeral. Kids (together): Dad, we’re bored! Man: You teach your children a lot of good American values. But have you taught them how to have fun? For family entertainment that doesn’t stop, head over to the Starfish Resort and Casino in Las Venturas. You deserve this kind of fun. Waterslides! Shooting range! And the kids love the Giggledome! (sounds of fun) Man: Plus, we’ve got the hottest gaming in town! Nobody offers you more gaming value. And, you’ll teach the kids some important life lessons about real capitalism. Boy (crying): Dad, I lost all my money! Father: You’ve learned a valuable lesson. Son, it’s time for your first lapdance. Boy (giggles): Yeah, guns! Man: Time is meaningless in the land of tomorrow. It’s the Starfish Resort and Casino. Mom can go all night on the one-armed bandits, while the kids visit the Little Tykes Pawn Shop. Boy: How’d you do, Cherice? Girl (sad): I busted myself and sold a kidney. Mother: That’s my girl! Man: Share the love- the love of money! And the Starfish Resort and Casino has the best buffet in Las Venturas, featuring our world-famous bacon trough! (sound of pig snorting) Man: The Starfish Resort and Casino. This kind of fun should be illegal! 3.13 --DeKoch Diamonds-- (Note- "Dave" notes that this company is spelled DeKoch, not DeCott, which makes perfect sense... this IS a Rockstar game, after all.) Man: Relationships can seem like an eternity. Woman: You asshole! What were you doing with my sister in that hot tub?!?! Man: Relieve the pressure. Woman 2 (whispers): Ice... Man: Chill that bitch out... with ice. Woman 2 (whispers): Ice... Man: A diamond lasts forever. But your relationship might not. A diamond is love. Rock hard. And frozen in time. Luckily, most women are shallow, and materialistic. Woman 2 (whispers): Ice... Woman: A diamond? So you -do- love me! Man: Nothing says I love you like a lump of carbon, mined by wage-slaves in Angola. Woman: I don’t even know what I was mad at you about. Do you want a blow job? Man: Passion. It -can- be purchased. And it -can- be overpriced. Ice. Available and very expensive... Woman 2 (whispers): Ice... Man: ...at DeKoch Diamonds. 3.14 --Redwood Cigarettes-- Man: They say, living in Los Santos is the equivalent to smoking a pack a day. If that’s the case, than I want a choice in the matter! (sound of horse whinnying) Man: So I chose Redwood. Man 2: I used to sell my body for drug money on the streets. Now I’ve cleaned up and have a wife and go to church. And I owe it all to Redwood Cigarettes. (sound of horse whinnying) Woman: Sometimes when I get really stressed out I beat my children with anything I can lay my hands on. Since I tried Redwoods, I’ve found a way to relax twenty or thirty times a day. I know it’s bad for me, but what’s more important? Me, or my children? (sound of horse whinnying) Woman 2: Stress kills millions of people each year, and causes divorces, automobile accidents, and even war. When stress is about to get you, get a Redwood. (sound of horse whinnying) Woman 2: Redwood Cigarettes. Proud Sponsor of the LS City Marathon. 3.15 --PSA: Your Teen Needs a Car-- Boy: Hey mom, watch! No hands! (sound of crash) Boy (in pain): Ooh! Mom: Oh no! My baby! What happened! Boy: I just lost control of my bike and crashed. I only skinned my knee a little bit. Nothing too bad! Mom: Jesus H. Christ! My baby! That’s it. No more bike riding for you. Not today, not ever! Boy: Mom, it doesn’t hurt that bad. I love my bike! I just fell. It happens! Mom: That’s it! I’m getting you a car! Boy: Wow! Cool! Mom: I did NOT bring you into this world in order for you to be exposed to anything dangerous! I lost my figure for you, I ruined your father’s life with my nagging... I will not see you die on some outdated contraption! I won’t! I won’t! I won’t! I will protect you in any way I can. It’s a mother’s duty. Boy (tearfully): I love you, mom! Mom: Well, you need a car. We’ll mortgage the house, or do whatever it takes! I want you safe. And what better protection than an overpowered sports coupe you can drive when first experimenting with drinking and drugs? Man: The teenage years can be difficult and dangerous. Don’t make them deadly. Don’t make your teenager ride a bicycle. Be a mother- not a murderer. This is a public service announcement paid for by the governor’s office of San Andreas, in association with Maibatsu Cars of America. 3.16.1 --Mike Andrews Live-- (Yin and Yang) (Note- When Mike Andrews talks, it’s through a microphone to a large audience, who can be heard cheering in the background.) Man: Coming soon to the Los Santos Convention Center- it’s Mike Andrews! Mike: Understand that it’s okay to be poor! There need to be poor people! We rich are the yin. You are the yang! We need you! Man: He’s changed millions of lives with his book, ‘Rags are Riches.’ Now hear Mike Andrews live! Man 2: Mr. Andrews? I, I’ve been having a run of bad luck, and I was wondering if the state could help me get back on my feet. Mike: This is the kind of negative, obsessed, and greedy talk that doesn’t help anyone. My program will teach you a new outlook on life. Instead of complaining about being poor, enjoy it! Watch TV! Don’t vote! Who cares? Man 2: But I’m homeless! Mike: You’ve got it all wrong! Society doesn’t owe you anything! The government has better things to worry about. Like killing innocent people! You already have everything you need, so enjoy your life! Man: See Mike Andrews live for only two hundred dollars, payable in ten installments! Reserve your seat today! 3.16.2 --Mike Andrews Live-- (USA! USA!) Man: Coming soon to the Los Santos Convention Center, it’s Mike Andrews! Mike: Poor people, stop complaining! Start living! You can’t take the money with you when you die! Even I can’t! Man: He’s changed millions of lives with his book, "Rags are Riches." This all-day seminar features workshops on: cooking potatoes, dumpster diving, huffing paint, bathing alternatives, and pharmaceutical baking! Mike: Instead of complaining about being poor, lady, enjoy it! Woman: Mike, I can’t feed my kids! And the rent’s due! Mike: Whoh, bitch! Settle it down! Are you saying this ain’t the greatest country in the world? Woman: I can't... Mike: Wait! Hold on, hold on, wait- Everyone! U - S - A! Crowd and Mike: U - S - A! U - S - A! Man: Hear Mike’s favorite programs, such as: There’s No Rich People, The Rich are Miserable, Play Harmonica, and Expect Less, Achieve More! See Mike Andrews Live for only $200, payable in ten installments! Reserve your seat today! 3.17.1 --Blotto’s-- (Flour & Spoon) Woman: Agh! I can’t get this flour out! Man: What’s wrong now? Woman: I need something to get the flour out to make these little tiny miniature pancakes. Man: How about this? Woman: Wow, a tiny spoon! How cute! Where did you get that? Man: At Blotto’s, of course. Man 2: Blotto’s. We’ve got all kinds of accessories for the kitchen. Cooking something up on the road? Come check out our portable kits that bakers love. Blotto’s! We make daily habits fun. 3.17.2 --Blotto’s-- (Razor & Mirror) Man: Agh! This is taking forever! Woman: Oh honey, what’s wrong? Man: I can’t seem to scrape the paint off this mirror! Woman: Ah, here honey, I got you something. Man: Wow! A golden razor blade! I can’t wait to show the guys this! Where’d you get it? Woman: Blotto’s! Of course! Man 2: Gold-plated razor blades. Pocket-sized mirrors. Nothing could be more convenient for the hard-working, clean-shaven man on the go. Blotto’s has the life accessories you need. And if you have diabetes or just want to play with the medical equipment, stop by Blotto’s this weekend for our "Shoot-Em-Up" sale! Blotto’s- we make daily habits fun! 3.17.3 --Blotto’s-- (Silver Straw) Woman: I really enjoy drinking soda with a straw, but I want one in metal that won’t corrode. Man: Yo, check this out. Here’s a silver one! Woman: Wow! A silver straw! Where did you get that? Man: At Blotto’s, chula! Man 2: Blotto’s has all kinds of helpful accessories. Need to break up oregano in the kitchen? Check out our oregano grinders! Blotto’s! We make daily habits fun! 3.18 --Grin-- (sound of glass breaking) Boy 1: Mom, Josh just broke the vodka bottle on your nightstand! Boy 2: Chris did it! Mom: You little shits! I’ll kill you! Man: Raising a family in the suburbs is tough. Especially when you used to be a hip, single woman on her own in a cool enclave of town. With today’s stresses, it’s difficult to maintain a loving, exploratory sex relationship with your husband, and counter the temptations to kill your own children. Mom: I love my family! What can I do? Man: Sometimes you need a helping hand. Send the right message about values and character with Grin. Grin readjusts your brain chemistry in a completely safe way. Mom: I hated my life. Now, I love my minivan. Instead of spending time with friends, I work on the house. The world is bipolar- I am too! Grin keeps me at the equator. Primitive, sunny, and always feeling hot. Man: Grin! It’s scientifically formulated by science to help cure the anxiety, depression, and lack of self-confidence that comes with living a new life in the suburbs. It’s safe and non-addictive. After all, what could be habit-forming about a pill that makes you feel better all of the time? If you’re feeling like nothing matters, unemotional, and gaining weight, why not regain your confidence with Grin? 3.19.1 --Law-- (AO-440) Man: Sometimes the law is not enough. Lawyer 1: Did you file the subpoena in the McPherson case? Lawyer 2: Nah, it wasn’t urgent. I filed an AO-440. Lawyer 1: AO-440?!? Lawyer 2: I know, I know. So I went shopping for these loafers... Lawyer 3: Anyone got a stapler? I got a lot of forms, and there’s a slight breeze in here! Man: Law. Because paperwork is dramatic. Catch it Thursdays on WESL (weasel), before it catches you. 3.19.2 --Law-- (Changed) Man: There’s a gritty new show this season on WESL (weasel). Where the law -is- the drama, and the drama -is- the law. Woman: What the hell did you go to law school for? Man 2: I haven’t changed at all! I was always over-competitive and shallow! I have a disabled brother I pretend doesn’t exist! I only married you because you’ve got great guns! Man: Law. Catch it Thursdays on WESL (weasel), before it catches you. 3.19.3 --Law-- (Work Hard) Man: The real-life fictional drama about the lives behind the law in the show that is making America cry. Lawyer 1: These IF-75s are a mess! And we’re already three months late with the UCC addendum, -after- we lost the 8th Circuit paperwork the first time around! Jeez! I really need to whack off... Man: Law. They play hard. And they work hard. REALLY hard. Catch it Thursdays on WESL (weasel) before it catches you. 3.20 --Visit Carcer City-- (Note- Carcer City pops up here and there throughout the GTA series. The intro scene in GTA III, where you and Catalina rob the bank, is set in Carcer City. The Rockstar game "Manhunt" is also set in Carcer City.) (thanks to Dalton of Zeal for the extra info). British Woman: Tired of all the sunshine and good weather? Looking for a real American vacation? Visit the shining jewel in a rustbelt crown- Carcer City. It’s a real man’s vacation. The pride of a nation is in Carcer City. It’s steel, ice, and poverty. Spend a romantic evening in the beauty of the nighttime river glow of the flaming river. Watch real men who make things lose their jobs and fight on our special "Closing the Mill" guided tour. Come see what we’re really made of. This is real America- drunk, proud, unemployed, and angry. Hear the eagle roar- in Carcer City. This is what the heartland is all about. 3.21 --Midlife Crisis Center-- (soft piano music plays) Man: Do you find your daughter’s friends attractive, but know they look at you as just a dad? Does the typing pool at work think of you more as a teddy bear than a tiger? Do you whack off in your minivan while listening to teen pop? You know, you’ll be dead soon. You’ve missed out on so much. It’s not too late to make a change. (peppy music plays) Man: At the Midlife Crisis Center, we know you’ve made a success of yourself. Why are you sharing it with others? Why not enjoy it while you have the chance? What’s holding you back? (pause) Cowardice. We’ll get you to the other side of your despair. We specialize in real estate, divorce attorneys, mistress placement, plastic surgery, hair coloring and replacement, fur coats, and much more. With a designer clothing store and sports car dealership on site. The Midlife Crisis Center will help you rediscover life while you still can. Come with your wife, leave with a sports car. While you’ve made a success of yourself, her chest has gone south. How can you have that trollop on your arm for a second longer? The answer is, you can’t. Ignore your children. Take yourself seriously. Visit the Midlife Crisis Center today. 3.22.1 --San Andreas Telephone-- (The Orphan) (telephone rings) Woman: Hello? Man: Ah, hey... it’s me, Jonathan. Woman: I don’t know a Jonathan. Man: Yeah, that’s the name they gave me at the orphanage after you put me up for adoption. How could you give me away? Man 2: Bring the family together again. (sound of phone dialing) Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations. 3.22.2 --San Andreas Telephone-- (The ex-husband) (phone rings) Woman: Hello? Man: Lisa? Woman: Yeah... Man: How ya doing, bitch? How do you like living in that house we built together, huh? Do the kids like watching that bald bastard kiss you in the morning? They want their -real- father, Lisa! Man 2: When you just can’t be there in person. (sound of telephone dialing) Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations. 3.22.3 --San Andreas Telephone-- (The son) (phone rings) Woman: Hello? Man: Um, mom? It’s me. Woman: Jimmy! How great to hear from you! How -are- you? Man: Not good, mom. I killed a man drunk driving. I need bail money bad. Uh, can you, uh, re-mortgage the house? Man 2: Every day is Mother’s Day. (sound of telephone dialing) Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations. 3.22.4 --San Andreas Telephone-- (The baby) (phone rings) Man: Hello? Woman: Hi, is Mark there? Man: Yeah... Woman: It’s me, Shannon. We met at Jack’s party? Man: Yeah! How can I forget? Wow, how you doing? I haven’t heard from you in, uh... Woman: Nine months. (sound of baby crying) Woman: Hello? Man 2: Some moments change your life. (sound of telephone dialing) Man 2: San Andreas Telephone. For those -difficult- conversations. 3.23 --Facari Film-- Woman: I miss little Vincent so much! He loved to play baseball. I... I was driving him to practice. I guess I was busy making eyes at the guy driving next to me. (sound of child laughing) Woman: I didn’t notice he was sticking his head out the window! His blond hair flowing in the wind! (sound of truck horn, then a splat) Man: Uh, honey, Vincent’s hair was black. Woman: That’s not the point! We’re lucky he was adopted! So we just got another. It’s my life, and I don’t want to forget anything. Man 2: Documenting every moment of life is very important. Take plenty of pictures of your wife. You never know when she might leave you for another man. It’s important to document your happiness while it lasts. And use Facari Film. When your son wins the game. When your daughter gets herpes. Facari Film. Memories are forever. Sort of. 3.24.1 --Glory Hole Theme Park-- (Giant Rodent) Man: San Andreas just can’t get enough of the Glory Hole Theme Park! Chorus: Glory Hole! Where strangers become friends! Glory Hole! There’s no need to know names. Man: It’s the place for magic and adventure! We all like speaking rodents, to entertain and educate our kids, and now with Gerry Gerbil the kids have someone they can really relate to! Gerry: Kids! Come and play! I’ve got puppies to show you! Kids: Yay! Giant speaking rodent! Woman: Go on kids, have fun! I know it’s safe. Gerry’s wearing a latex body suit. Girl: See you later, mom! We’re off to have fun with strangers! Chorus: Glory Hole! It’ll hurt, but it’s worth it. Man: Ride the log flume! (splash) Live the adventure of the flaming scream machine! (zap) Glory Hole Theme Park! All: Glory Hole! Man: Open every day till 3 AM! Come live the mystery! 3.24.2 --Glory Hole Theme Park-- (Incredible Voyage) Man: Come live the mystery! Crowd: Glory Hole! Chorus: Glory Hole! Where strangers become friends! Glory hole! You don’t need to know names! Gerry: Cool off in our water sports park! (splash) I’ll show your kids a great time! It’s something they’ll never forget and talk about for years to come! Especially at therapy sessions! Man: It’s the place for magic! And adventure! Chorus: Glory Hole! Woman: Leaving me free to shop and get lipo! Gerry: Who’s ready for the incredible Gerbil’s Voyage? Boy: Gerry! Can we come too? Gerry: This is a journey you must undertake alone. It can be dark and scary, but she’ll shriek with delight Chorus: Glory Hole! It’ll hurt, but it’s worth it! Girl: What’s that hole in the wall for? Gerry: You wait and see. You’ll be amazed! (mutters "fuck this...") Chorus Glory Hole! Man: Glory Hole Theme Park! Open every day till 3 AM! 3.25.1 --Cake-- (The wife) Woman: I love my husband more than anything. Man: Which is why I was surprised to find her sleeping with the teenager next door. Woman: Now I take each day one day at a time. I didn’t know what I had until it was almost gone. Now I’m faithful, and haven’t terminated a pregnancy in over a year! I stopped obsessing about my weight, and now there’s just more of me to love. They say America’s fatter than ever. But when you’re number one, it’s time to celebrate! And why not celebrate with cake? Every day! Woman 2 (sings): Celebrate with cake! 3.25.2 --Cake-- (The son) Mom: I love my kids more than anything. Son: Which is why mom keeps me clinically obese- so I won’t run away. Mom: That’s where cake comes in. My sister’s son got to 18 and just ran away. She was broken-hearted. Now me and little Joshua celebrate every day with cake! He’s my number one, and he knows it! Now he’s not running anywhere. Why not celebrate with cake? Every day. Woman (sings): Celebrate with cake! 3.26 --Inversion Therapy-- (Note- there is such a thing as inversion therapy, but it typically refers to a back treatment where they hang you upside down (no, really).) Darius: Hi, what are you afraid of? Heights? Flying? Polio? Whatever your fear, it’s time to face it. Hi, I’m Darius Fontaine, creator of Inversion Therapy. For years we’ve helped our patients get past their deepest and darkest fears and get ON with their lives. Just listen to this: Man: I... I was having really dark thoughts. I... I wanted to sleep with my mother. Now that I’ve done it, I don’t want to any more. Darius: Incredible! But, you know, it works. That’s Inversion Therapy! Fear it, face it, do it, CONQUER it! Got it? Ju- listen again. Woman: Okay. I was terrified of my children being harmed. So I stabbed them. Didn’t hurt me -that- much. Yeah, now I’m not afraid of anything. Darius: That’s ANOTHER life saved! (giggles) Inversion Therapy works! I know! When you take your fear head-on, it’s time to move on. I’m Darius Fontaine, call me today! I’ll change your life- promise! Call 1-866-FACE-FEAR. 3.27 --Rapidite-- Man: Sexual re-alignment used to require years of therapy, months of hormone treatments, and you still ended up looking like a drag queen. Now you can let the woman inside come out in the comfort and privacy of your own home. And it’s as fast as this: Man 2: slice... Man 2 (now with woman’s voice): See? Now I’m a woman, thanks to Rapidite! This do-it-yourself sexual re-alignment kit includes everything you need to go from Brad to Brenda in a jif. It’s just snip, chop, stuff and swallow and away you go. Do it in the bathroom and surprise your family with a new you! Comes with an instructional video, rusty knife and tourniquet, two aspirins, and forty-seven pounds of estrogen. It’s all you need! When it’s time for a change, you want it fast. Rapidite- the do-it-yourself sexual re-alignment kit. Be -exactly- who you want to be. 3.28 --The Crazy Cock-- (violin music plays) Woman: What IS a gentleman? He is kind, polite, and stands by his word. He is well-dressed, and treats a lady with respect. (sax music plays) Woman: Now a club for fine gentlemen has come to Las Venturas. Want to be a gentleman? Pay a woman the ultimate compliment by shoving $20s in her panties at the Crazy Cock. Yow! (rock music plays) Woman: Tonight, and every night, your luck is in town at the Crazy Cock. Where the ladies are beautiful and oh! So very friendly. Candy: Come on boys, I’m waiting for a gentleman like you. Woman: That’s right, Candy wants to fake (frig?) herself for money and make you feel exactly what you’re not- a lady killer! It’s the gentleman’s choice. And a lady -always- loves to be noticed. Man: Woo-wee! Titties! What could be more gentlemanly than staring at silicone breasts while my wife is playing slot machines? Candy: Nothing. Man 2: I’m here for a conference. What about my colleagues? Candy: I’ll make you all feel special, one after the other. Just give me money. Woman: Yes, bring your clients! After all, once they see how drunk and horny you get over a pair of fake bazookas, they’re sure to take your professional input seriously. What gentleman wouldn’t? (violin music plays) Woman 2: Learn how a lady likes to be treated... Woman: ONLY at the Cah-razy Cock! It’s your duty as a gentleman. 3.29.1 --The Epsilon Program-- (Less for God, more for you) (Note- 'Tithe' refers to giving a percentage of one's income to the church one belongs to. The amount is normally 10% (in fact the word 'tithe' means 'tenth')) Chris: Do you worry that nobody likes you? We’ll provide you with friends. Hi, and Kifflom. I’m the honorable Chris Formage. Covet your neighbor’s ass no longer. The Epsilon Program seeks out the convenient bits from every faith to create a religion that is uniquely American- expensive, promiscuous, and entirely meaningless. And unlike other major religions, we only tithe 8.75 percent. That means less for God, and more for you. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract, and the secrets of the Universe will be open to you. Just call 1-866-FUN-CULT 3.29.2 --The Epsilon Program-- (This time, God, it's personal) Man: Why do trees talk? Woman: Why are there dinosaurs? Boy: Why do people die meaningless deaths? Man 2: Is there other intelligent life in the universe? Woman 2: Why do I have to be monogamous? Chris: Do you want answers? Have you searched literature and philosophy for meaning? For years, man has combed the pages of history, searching for enlightenment. Finally, the answers are here. We at the Epsilon Program know religion is a deeply personal experience. Join us- and you will be brought to light. Hi, and Kifflom. I am the honorable Chris Formage. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract and the secrets of the Universe will be opened to you. The Epsilon Program. This time, God, it’s personal. 3.29.3 --The Epsilon Program-- (Science?) Chris: Let me ask you something. Have you ever seen a real dinosaur? Of course you haven't, and you never will. Fact! That's because they never existed, and science... (chuckles) science is a lie. I mean, have you actually ever seen a sperm? We've all tried. All you have to do is read and understand the Epsilon Tract, and the secrets of the Universe will be opened to you. This is a life- altering experience. All your mortal fears will be at ease. The Epsilon Program. This time, God, it's personal. 3.30 --Bouge Cologne-- (Note- indeed, Agrippina the Younger (AD 16 - 59) sure got around in Roman times) Man: Life isn’t about money, or your job. It’s about having good friends, a nice car, and nailing as many women as possible. That’s why I choose Bouge Cologne. The name ‘cologne’ stems from the Roman empress Agrippina, who would sleep with anyone. I know- I did. And I’ll sleep with you, too. God, I love myself. I smell great! Woman: Bouge Cologne. Get your sperm swimming. 3.31 --Shine Perfume-- (Note-Sweet merciful crap, this one is hard to recap. The whispering may be a spoof of mind control- your local conspiracy-minded crazy guy can tell you all about how "Alice in Wonderland" ("I’m the White Rabbit") was used by CIA brainwashers.) (sound of waves crashing) Woman (whispers): It’s me. Woman: Tomorrow, I will dream in green, yellow oceans, and froth on the beach. Woman (whispers): It’s me. I’m an individual. Woman: There’s love Woman (whispers): It’s me Woman: Beauty Woman (whispers): Woman: Meaning Woman (whispers) Woman: Hope Woman (whispers) Woman: I need designer perfume. Woman (whispers): It’s me Woman: Shine. By Helmutshine. Helmutshine is a fantasy. Helmutshine is a spectacle. Helmetshine is you. Multiple voices: Is you. Is you. Woman: If you desire Woman (whispers): I think I'm ready Woman: I'm an individual. What is love? Woman (whispers): I need love. Woman: The space between your ears Many voices: Advertising. People on beaches. Children. Woman (whispers): Let the children die. Woman: Tomorrow, I’m the White Rabbit Woman: What’s your name again? Woman (whispers): Desire. Woman: I’m black and white. Woman (whispers): Shine. Own it. Mystic. Pure. It's me. Woman: You’re beautiful. That’s enough. Woman: Shine. By Helmutshine. 3.32 --Logger Light-- Woman: You think you’re American. But do you drink American? (sound of chainsaw) Man: Logger. The beer that brought the forests down. Southern Man: I like to relax after a hard day at work. And I like to relax hard. Get really drunk. So drunk, you can’t tell your sister from your wife. Now that’s fun! And now I can do it without gaining pounds, thanks to new Logger Light. Drink even more, gain less. It’s the Lager Light promise. At first the guys were like "I didn’t know you drank light beer. Are you gonna start wearing dresses and drinking wine coolers, too?" Well then I explained that it facilitated alcoholism without the attendant weight gain, and they -really- switched! Now we’re all Logger men. Man: Logger Light. We’re light in the beer, not in the loafers. (chainsaw revs) 3.33 --Crimson Executive Spouse Indemnity Services-- (wedding music plays) Man (in flashback): Until death do us part... Man: Gosh, I remember that day like it was yesterday. Jennifer looked so beautiful... I knew I’d love her forever. And then... she was driving along a canyon, and her brakes went out. (sound of skidding and crashing) Man: I’m moving on now, and I’ve re-married someone half my age. God, I love banging her! (peppy music plays) Man: I started my life over with Crimson Executive Spouse Indemnity Services. Life can be uncertain, and you never know when your wife will be tragically taken away. Crimson set me up with a huge life insurance policy on my wife. I can’t have her back, but now I have a second home. Man 2: I was devastated when I found out my wife was cheating on me. And even more so when she fell underneath the train! I was nowhere near at the time and my phone records proved that. My life changed forever. (in a halting, rehearsed voice) I was a real mess for hours. (back to normal) Thankfully, the week before I’d met with Crimson. Thanks to Crimson, I’ve had a penile augmentation and am much more confident with women. Thank you, Crimson! To have a Crimson Planning for the Future Kit faxed to you, just dial 1-866-505-CRIM. 3.34 --Sprunk-- Man: There’s a war going on in the streets (sound of police sirens) Man: It’s the war on thirst! (sound of explosion) Man: Sprunk is winning the war on thirst with the new grenade-shaped can. Man 2: Eh yo, pull the pin and blow your thirst right off in that brand-new taste explosion! (sound of larger explosion) Man: Now that’s the sound of freshness! Sprunk! Go AWOL from the cola wars with an energizing mix of lemon, lime, and ten times the caffeine and sugar. Man 2: Plus mercury and benzene for that extra pop! Man: Yo, it’ll bring you temperature right up! And the bubbles! Other beverages use carbon dioxide. Pssh! We use ether to kick up that fizz! Thanks to all that mercury, you won’t remember -anything- that tasted so good. Now pick up a Sprunk thermonuclear six-pack, kill thirst and liven up the party! Toss your friends a Sprunk in the grenade-shaped can and enter the Sprunk sweepstakes, where you can win a real case of grenades! Sprunk! Blow your thirst right off in that brand-new taste explosion! (sound of explosion) 3.35 --Abbigo Brokerage and Pawn-- Man: In the game of checkers and life, sometimes you make the wrong move and get jumped. If you made the wrong move and need money fast, we’re here to capitalize on that. Some people are destined to make the wrong move over and over and over again. It’s ok! It’s alright! What are possessions and life’s treasures if you can’t cash `em in during a self-imposed crisis? At Abbigo Brokerage and Pawn, we’ll secure the funds you need for any collateral items you can get your hands on. Just bring in your stock, jewelry, electronics, munitions, dust, automobiles, power tools, home movies, children, exercise equipment, coin collection, or your spleen, liver, or kidney and we’ll give you cash on the spot. After all, some habits are expensive. We don’t need proof of ownership. We’re about the most basic exchange- goods for money. We’ll buy anything. Including your dignity. Abbigo Brokerage and Pawn. 3.36 --Proposition 602-- (End mass transit) (sound of car horns) Man: notice the traffic just keeps getting worse? IS your commute taking longer and longer because of traffic jams? It’s not your fault. It’s someone else’s! Tired of watching people on the bus earn special privileges by travling in a bus-only lane? You can vote to change the future of traffic in San Andreas. Vote "yes" on Proposition 602. By opening up the bus lanes and paving over train routes, you’ll FLY across town! People don’t have a right to cheap transport. The Constitution is -very- clear on this. Remember, it’s only a small step from mass transit to Communism. Proposition 602. Vote "yes." It’s all about you. (sound of car zooming by) 3.37 --Join the Military-- Man: It’s a career that lasts a lifetime. A career where you’re -always- on the winning team. Put your skills to work- in the military. (sound of jet) Man 2: I was on the streets, in a gang shooting people and running drugs. Now, I’m making something of myself. I kill people and run drugs for the CIA. Man 1: In this job, you not only help yourself, you help your country. Only in the military would a teenager be given responsibilities like driving a nuclear submarine, maneuvering a tank, or dropping high-ordinance explosives. Make a change for yourself- in the military. (sound of jet) Man 3: I was in college constantly getting into pointless fights I didn’t understand about nebulous concepts and belief systems. I got tired of arguing about what’s right. So I dropped out of college and joined up. Now, I -know- I’m right... in the military! Man: Learn confidence! Man 4: I was having fantasies about stabbing people. Now, I can do it for my country! Man: Live the military life. Positions are unexpectedly vacant every day! In fact, I’m about to give up my well-paying job as a voiceover actor in order to sign up and be shouted at by a lot of sexually-confused skinheads! I want excitement, and what could be more exciting than shitting yourself while getting shot at in the jungle? Certainly beats sitting in this booth all day! Be number one- turn your life around. In the military! 3.38.1 --Zebra Bar-- (Melt in your mouth) (wolf howls) (drum beats) Woman: I’m hungry for something different. Whisper: Zebra! Man: Zebra bar! Get the fever! It’s the candy bar that’s fun to try. It’s half smooth white milk chocolate, and the other half is deep, dark chocolate. Woman: Wow! It’s enormous! Man 2: How about cream filling? Man: That too! Put it in your mouth! Man 2 (in background): Yes! Man: Whichever side you crave. Pick up a Zebra bar and let the chocolate melt in your mouth. (wolf howl) Chorus: Zebra! Whisper: Zebra! 3.38.2 --Zebra Bar-- (Exotic cravings) (wolf howls) (drum beats) Woman: I’m hungry for something different. Man 1: Zebra! Get the fever! Man 2: I was always eating fudge, but I wanted to snack on something else... Man 1: The front is white and pure. The back is dark and naughty. Woman: What about nuts? Man 1: You’ll love the nuts! Woman (in background): God... Man 1: Which side will you try first? Zebra Bar. It satisfies your exotic cravings, whatever they are! (wolf howl) Chorus: Zebra! Man 1: Put it in your mouth! 3.39 --Proposition 421-- (Kill all smokers) Woman: If only the world was less like this... Man: I could use a smoke (sound of lighter) Woman 2: Hey! Put that out! Woman: ...and more like this... Man: I could use a smoke (sound of lighter) Woman 2: You murderer! I might have children one day! (sound of gunshot) Woman: Smoking kills. Unless you kill first. If you’re around a smoker, you -will- die. Smokers may look like they’re relaxed and having fun, but don’t believe it. Vote "yes" on Proposition 421. Let’s outlaw smoking everywhere- even in people’s homes, and allow honest citizens to legally kill anyone who smokes. Let’s live in a world without smokers! Prohibition works- let’s prove it. Let’s move up the food chain. It’s time to smoke the smokers! Vote "yes" on Proposition 421. 3.40 --Commemorative Miniatures-- Man: Today, we marched on from Fort Strutter after sunrise to a Creek village where our troops fought the savages, and shot them like dogs. Woman: Honey! It’s time for bed! Man: Hang on a second! I’m killing a squaw! Man (in soldier voice): Take that, you pagan bitch! Man (in squaw voice): No, no! (makes gunshot sound) Woman: Him and his commemorative miniatures. My husband was getting so bored working, and he didn’t have an interest to spend money on. But he’s always loved history. Then I heard about grown men who like to play with toy soldiers! Man: War is so interesting! With commemorative miniatures I began by faithfully rebuilding the Charge of the Light Brigade, and after that, the Trail of Tears! I’ve built accurate recreations of fifteen significant battles, as well as training camps, prisoner-of-war camps, and forced-labor death camps! Now I spend all my time painting toy soldiers and attending conventions! (makes gunshot sound) Man 2: Commemorative miniatures. They’re instantly collectible, and a great value. For just 37 monthly payments of $19.99, you get a starter pack allowing you to recreate the battle of your choice. Show your inability to deal with present day problems by recreating scenes of mass slaughter from the past! Woman: Reenacting battles is great for your marriage, too! One night, my husband is General Custer. The next, Napoleon. On Saturdays, (in fake Asian voice) I’m a Cambodian villager, and he’s a GI (normal voice) that has his way with me. Man: (chuckles) And then I kill her! Man 2: Commemorative miniatures. They’re not toys- they’ve very valuable, collectible, two-inch pewter model armies! This is a hobby you can’t afford to miss out on! 3.41 --Intergalactic Wrestling Title-- (Note- not sure on all of the words in this one) Man: This weekend on WESL (weasel)! Announcer: Will you look at the size of that thing ladies and gentleman! Man: There’s the real world... and then there’s ours! Crowd: chanting, "Kill him! Maim him! We want blood!" Announcer 2: My god! Thunderbeast is out of the ring, and he’s stabbed Doctor Diabalo with his (seecropt) serpent! That’s a triple roundhouse hail- (jussle-crabble) smash! You don’t see -that- very often! Crowd: You’re a woman! Shoot his face! Man: There are gods, and there is man. And one must fight for the Intergalactic Wrestling Title this weekend! Wrestler: You can’t run, Hammer Fist! When I stick your head between my legs and pile-drive you up and down repeatedly, (crowd boos) then you’ll know what kind of man -I- am! Man: It’s entirely believable sports action! Grown men fighting in leotards with their bare hands and thighs! THIS is manly! Not homoerotic! See as Thunderbeast fights the primordial force of Brontosaurus Rex- the wrestling caveman that drags his woman around the ring by her hair! The wrestling match that the world has been waiting for! And watch the group wrestling match that has some saying we go too far! Six men! One ring! No way out but down! Watch the epic battle and wonder at all human culture! Sunday night on WESL (weasel) TV! 3.42 --Proposition 832-- (B.I.G.O.T.) (sound of honking horns) Man: Having trouble finding a place to park? Notice the lines are longer at the food store? Nineteen million illegal aliens live in this country, most of them in San Andreas. ("America the Beautiful" plays in background) Our organization is Ban Immigration Green Cards Outright Today. Let’s preserve the status quo in our favor. Vote "yes" on Proposition 832. Illegal aliens do a valuable job packing groceries and caring for your lawn. But they should learn- America is not a land of handouts. While they’re illegal, they have no rights! They have no status! They have no expectations! And, they’re happy to be here! It’s a win-win for America. If we give them green cards, soon they’ll be just like us- overweight, unhappy, and too lazy to do menial tasks. Vote "yes" on Proposition 832. 3.43 --Dreamakers-- Man: Vinewood! The stars! Fast sports cars! The hot nightclubs! Success! It doesn’t happen overnight. Or does it? If you want to make it as an international film star, you have to start at the bottom. That’s where we come in! At Dreamakers, we’ll show you the path to success. Our Eastern European acting coaches will give you all the skills you need for auditioning in the entertainment industry! (sound of camera shutters) Man 2: My name’s Phillip. I enjoy pretending to be other people. Dreamakers helped me succeed in that goal. After some intense acting lessons... now I perform for thousands of people each day at the Glory Hole Theme Park. (sound of camera shutters) Woman: I came to Dreamakers because I wanted to dance on Broadway. They taught me how to use my natural talents to succeed! Now I get to dance every night for money! I succeed one dollar at a time. I did it! I’m in entertainment! Man: If you really want it, you know you have to pay top dollar for the best coaching and career advice. We’ll help point you on the path to success! Man 3: Um, I’m fat, boring, and have no ideas of my own. Man: Perfect! Why not be a movie producer? Woman 2: I’m attractive. But I can hardly read, let alone act. Man: You’re gonna have to sleep your way to the top! Starting now! Man: For only $45,000, Dreamakers will have you on your way to success. Call today! 3.44 --Logger-- (sound of chainsaw) Man: Logger. The beer that brought the forests down. Man 2: I drive an exotic imported sports car. I eat exotic foreign food like frankfurters and pizza. But when it comes to numbing my mind, I’m a patriot. I drink the beer that brought the forests down! I’m a Logger man! And, with the new 80-bottle trunk pack, you’ve got enough for the evening! Last night, I crapped in my bed, and pissed in the closet! Hey, it’s happy hour somewhere! Man: Logger. Brings out the patriot in you. (sound of chainsaw) 3.45 eXsorbeo (Note- "Dave" points out that the eXsorbeo comes with its own promotional web site... check out www.exsorbeo.com) Man: An ancient pastime just went cyber-optic! Boy: Mom, look! I’m playing with myself! Chorus: eXsorbio! Man: Hand-held gaming action is here! Man 2: eXsorbeo Game System fits in the palm of your hand. It provides hours of fun! Boy: Mom, look! I’m playing with myself! Man 2: Once you discover the action-packed action of Exorbio, you won’t be able to stop! Chorus: eXsorbeo! Man 2: Take your newfound addiction everywhere! The three-color screen is just like real life. Man: Play games like "Morning Missile Crisis" Man 2: Free the hostages! Man: "One-eyed Monster Warrior" Man 2: Light saber struggle! Man: "Zith Squirt!" Man 2: Pocket pool! Man: "Mortal Sin," and "Tonsil Hockey." But be careful! You might go blind! Boy: Oh! I’m out of batteries! And my arm aches! Chorus: eXsorbeo! Man 2: Or, link up your eXsorbeos for private swordfight battles! Boy: I wonder if dad still does it? Man 2: eXsorbeo! Let the games commence! Chorus: eXsorbeo! 3.46 --Tropicarcinoma-- Man: The sun! Giver of all life! The Mayans worshipped the sun, then they... disappeared without a trace. Don’t let this happen to you! The fact is, if you spend time in the sun, you’re almost certain to die! All leading medical practitioners have determined that sun exposure causes cancer. And heartburn! Woman: I’m an expert. Going in the sun is as dangerous as smoking, or living too near a nuclear power station. Surfer dude: Oh no! Not chemo again! Man: No! Never again! With Tropicarcinoma! Woman 2: Keep out the sun’s dangerous rays with Tropicarcinoma! It’s a unique blend of cocoanut oil, zinc, aluminum, boron, magnesium, and other volatile metals that neutralize the sun’s rays and form a chemical shield that’s just great for the skin. And the I.Q.! Try Tropicarcinoma! Man 2: I’m a lifeguard, and I love Tropicarcinoma! I even coat my eyeballs and digestive tract. I’m white as a sheet and shooting blanks! I feel great about myself! And that’s important! Woman 3: A friend of mine asked me, "why spend time in the sun if it’s dangerous, and you don’t want a tan?" I just laugh, and try not to think about it. Woman 2: Tropicarcinoma. Give the sun a challenge! 3.47 --My Five Uncles-- (Note- probably a spoof of the old NBC sitcom 'My Two Dads') Man: What happens when five eligible bachelors welcome a little girl into their lives? Gina: Hey! It’s my turn into the bathroom! (canned laughter) Man: Non-stop hilarity! "My Five Uncles." The sitcom with a lot of heart. Uncle 1: Hey Gina. Welcome to your new home. You sleep in here, and we all sleep in there. Gina: Uck. Whatever. Does anyone have something to smoke? (canned laughter) Man: it’s the show that shows family values exist even in unconventional families. (knocking) Gina: Uh, what are you guys doing in there? Uncles (together): We’re just flossing, dear! (canned laughter) Man: It’s a brand new show taking hilarious comedy in a whole new funny direction! Gina: I don’t get it. Why don’t any of you guys have a steady girlfriend? (canned laughter) Man: And they learn some lessons about life and love along the way. Uncle 2: Come on guys, group hug. Gina: I’m an emotionally abused orphan. Can’t I get in on any of these group hugs? Uncle 3: No, you stupid bitch! (canned laughter) Man: My Five Uncles. Thursday nights on LSBC. 3.48.1 --Kilimanjaro-- (ad 1) (Note: Thanks to "Dave" for correcting my spelling here... "Kilimanjaro" is the mountain. "Killamanjaro" is a sound system.) Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: There’s nothing bigger. You’re as big as a mountain! Now, dress like one! Gain the confidence and freedom to really eat again! When you were little, your mom got you clothes you could grow into. The same applies here. Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: Because she -loves- love handles. If eating for you means nine trips to the buffet, if exercise means picking up the remote, if making love means eating three hot dogs, if you’ve got bigger breasts than your wife, then don’t walk- and especially don’t run- but drive... very slowly... down to Kilimanjaro. Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: We’ve got the clothes for you. From romper suits for wearing around the house, to outsized Hawaiian shirts and elasticized trousers for the office, there’s nothing better! There’s nothing bigger! Kilimanjaro! The clothes shop for enormous men! Celebrating no diet day! Fat liberation is here! At Kilimanjaro! Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: We’re fighting to end hunger- yours! 3.48.2 --Kilimanjaro-- (ad 2) Woman: The day of liberation is here! Throughout history, only the biggest and strongest survive. Being big means you’re successful, and women love big men. Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: And as a successful man, you need to feel comfortable when you’re sitting down to eat. Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: Clothes for the bigger man! Don’t be bound by society, bogus medicine, and the media with their unhealthy focus on being skinny! Don’t be constrained by trying to squeeze into a Triple X. Bored of feeling like a man in a sausage skin in your Size 48 jeans? Bored of being uncomfortable? Man: Kilimanjaro! Woman: Kilimanjaro! The clothes shop for enormous men! We’re fighting to end hunger- yours! Man: Kilimanjaro! 3.49 --The Cavern of Sorrow-- Mom: Mikey, where are you? Mikey: Ha, you can’t see me, because my invisibility cloak is on! Mom: Oh Mikey, stop drawing pentagrams on all the doors! Announcer: The Cavern of Sorrow! Man: It’s the fantasy game that’s sweeping the country. The Cavern of Sorrow. Learn about our exciting history and have fun, too! Boy 1: I’m a holy warrior on a quest. I’ll KILL you if you don’t believe like I do! Boy 2: You can’t beat me, stupid! I’m invisible! Boy 1: I got invisibility-seeing glasses, dumbass! Lod Zad the Wizard gave them to me, remember? Our adventure at Gash Canyon? Announcer: The Cavern of Sorrow! Man: Gather ye friends and embark on historical adventures. Boy 2: I’ll cut your head off with my sword. Boy 1: Oh no you won’t! I’ve got a metal neck, given to me by Gorath of Backdar! I got it when we traveled to the nether regions of Gorthback. There I had eight wives, 47 kids, and other concerns. Boys (together): The Cavern of Sorrow! Man: It’s not just a game, it’s a secret society of special friends. Will you find the Cavern of Sorrow? Or will it find you? Announcer: The Cavern of Sorrow! 3.50 --Lustrious-- (ad 1) Man: You want wet? Then get Lustrious. Woman: Lustrious... Man 2: Man I see this cat all the time... man his hair be fly! So I had to grab him an’ I say ‘look here, homey, how you get your hair all greasy an’ fly n’ shit like that?’ He told me ‘bout Lustrious. I said ‘well look here, man, can I borrow some? You see how mine had turned all dead and fell out in the back.’ He looked me dead in my eye, and was like ‘look here, brother, you got to get your own!’ Woman: Lustrious... Man: If you want your hair silky (echo: silky, silky) Man: Lustrious. Gives you the juice. Man: Do you want your hair smooth, baby? Let that fro glow... wet. Man 3 (singing): Let your fro glow... Man: Lustrious. Hair care products. Side effects may include coughing, hurling, rigor mortis. Enjoy. 3.50.2 --Lustrious-- (ad 2) Man1: You want your hair silky? Then get Lustrious. Woman: Lustrious... Man2: There she was, walking by / She was the finest girl I seen in my life / Till it came down to her curls / It was the driest curl I seen in the world / Whoh... Woman 2: He was fly / He was sweet / When he took of his bandanna, he was just as dry as me / So we went Man 2: So we went Woman 2: To the swap meet Man 2: To the swap meet Together: And got the first box of some Lustrious we seen. Man: Let your fro glow wet Man 2: Let your fro grow-ow-ow! Man: Lustrious! 3.51 --Eres Pump Up-- Woman: Pump! Man: I’m running on air! I’m walking on clouds! I don’t exercise. Woman: I don’t care... pump it! (sound of air pumping, then explosion) Woman: (sighs with pleasure) Man: I paid top-dollar for these incredible high-technology polyester shoes to walk around the mall and shop for more sports equipment I won’t play sports in! Woman: Pump it! Man: I need to get more from life. Much more! I need get high, really high! High on air! (sound of air pumping, then explosion) Man: Oh yeah! These Eres shoes really pump up! Man 2: That’s right! You can now buy some air! The science of sports and marketing results in a shoe that pumps! Sound silly to you? What if we told you that Eres Pump-Up would improve your game by 300 percent? Man: But I don’t have a game! (background music stops) Woman: You gotta have game! Be a winner! Man 2: Pump up, and slam dunk! (sound of air pumping, then turntable scratching) Man: Oh yeah! Woman: God, the size of your shoes! Man 2: You’ll shave seconds off your personal best! Man: Oh yeah! You mean I can whack off even more times a day? Woman: Pump it... Man 2: Absolutely! Probably five times more! Because you’ll be walking on air! You’ll feel so much more athletic after pumping up your shoes, you’ll automatically lose weight and feel high-tech! Just like a sports star! You -are- a star! Woman: Now you’re a winner! With air in his shoes! Man: Now I can reach for the stars! I’ve pumped up my ego! (sound of air pumping) Woman: Pump it! Man 2: Pump it up! With Eres! 3.52 --Creative Plastic Surgery-- Woman: You’re good, but you’re not perfect. And let’s be honest, that’s not enough. We strive to be number one in everything- sports, politics, economics, homelessness, degeneracy! Los Santos is the home of beauty and glamour for the whole world! Live up to society’s expectations! Play your part! Your body is a work of art- don’t leave it half-finished. It’s time for your Creative Plastic Surgery. We’ll make your face as tight as a drum! We’ll suck fat out of your body with an industrial pump! Increase your confidence with fake breasts! Make sure people know what you’re all about! Woman: More adventurous? Why not try an extra nose or three breasts? You know how much men like breasts! Can you imagine how wild they’ll go for udders? Man: My wife was complaining that she did all the work. Carried the baby for nine months, had painful labor... it’s not fair to her my nipples are useless! That’s why I had Creative Plastic Surgery. I got a set of udders installed! Now my son can suck my udders while I’m watching the game! The fellas at the bar love ‘em, too! Women 2: Men never stared lasciviously at my ass. Then I had a tail attached. Now, people can’t stop looking! Woman: Beauty is not skin deep. It’s less than that. Creative Plastic Surgery. Achieve your own utopia. 3.53 --American Bank of Los Santos-- Woman: Look at that! The Hendersons are getting a new fence. Man: Ah, who cares? They’re swingers! Woman: I want a new fence! Man: We just got one two years ago after your parents were killed! Woman: I want a new fence! That’s it! We’re never having sex again! Woman 2: Need a home loan fast? At the American Bank of Los Santos, we’ll help you get the debt you need to make life easier. We’ll show you how to look richer, and be poorer! Your home is your equity- what exactly are you saving it for? You need to impress people fast, not in twenty years! It’s only a risk if you get into money troubles or the economy changes, which doesn’t seem likely! We know living in the suburbs is a constant competition, where you’re defined by your lawn and your siding. Woman 2: Call American Bank of Los Santos when you need to add a jungle room addition with a rec swing or a Jacuzzi for eight! Now that the kids have moved out and have drug problems of their own, maybe it’s time to install a luxury marble wet bar so you can get drunk in private! American Bank of Los Santos. Dreams take money- why worry about tomorrow, if you look inadequate today? 4.0 -----Final stuff----- Just a final word to say how much I enjoyed making this guide, and a reminder to e-mail any corrections if you find them.