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Text Dump by oblivion from aoc

Version: 1.0 | Updated: 04/22/11

                                  Portal 2
                         PC / XBOX 360 / PLAYSTATION 3
                                 Dialog Dump
                    extracted from game by oblivion from aoc
                                Version: 1.0
                                 22 Apr 2011


This is a list of all 2,500+ separate phrases each of the characters ever say
in the game, it was extracted from the game itself. These files are used by the
game to display subtitles.

The formatting process involved removing the code, the developers commentary,
and wrapped to 79 characters per line.

As this is essentially the script of the game, the copyright holder is Valve
Corporation, whilst this particular version was extracted, formatted and
presented by me. So distribution of this file is permitted, as long as this
introduction text is left intact and unchanged.

All dialog including developer commentary is included.

Press CTRL+F and enter part of the quote you are looking for.

Dialog is grouped by character, in the following order:

 Cave Johnson
 Core 1
 Core 3
 Core 2
 Defective Turret
 Developer Commentary


Announcer: Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Announcer: Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Announcer: Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Announcer: Warning: Core corruption at 50 percent.
Announcer: Warning: Core corruption at 75 percent.
Announcer: Warning: Core corruption at 100 percent.
Announcer: Neurotoxin level at capacity in five minutes.
Announcer: Vent system compromised: Neurotoxin offline.
Announcer: Reactor explosion in four minutes.
Announcer: Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed.
Announcer: Reactor Explosion Uncertainty Emergency Preemption Protocol
initiated: This facility will self destruct in two minutes.
Announcer: Manual core replacement required.
Announcer: Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
Announcer: Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Announcer: Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Announcer: Stalemate detected.
Announcer: Fire detected in the Stalemate Resolution Annex. Extinguishing.
Announcer: Stalemate Resolution Associate: Please press the Stalemate
Resolution Button.
Announcer: Caroline deleted.
Announcer: Please prepare for emergency evacuation.
Announcer: Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
Announcer: Alternate core detected.
Announcer: To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in
Announcer: Substitute core accepted.
Announcer: Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Announcer: Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Announcer: Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
Announcer: ...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate
resolution button.
Announcer: Stalemate Resolved.
Announcer: Please return to the core transfer bay.
Announcer: Good!
Announcer: Good!
Announcer: Today's Security Code is: 5,33,41,18
Announcer: Welcome to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center
Human Test Subject Research Center.  You have unlocked all available courses.
Announcer: Warning! All testing courses are currently available.
Announcer: Congratulations on successfully returning to the central hub room.
From here you can select all previously completed courses.
Announcer: For your testing convenience, all tests are available and all safety
precautions within testing chambers have been deactivated.
Announcer: Welcome back to the central hub. All test courses are available. You
may redundantly solve the courses at your leisure.
Announcer: Thank you for completing the testing courses. If you enjoyed your
experience, you may now re-enter the testing course of your choice.
Announcer: By completing all test courses, you have achieved Level C security
clearance. You may now access all testing courses and three of Aperture
Science's 176 restrooms.
Announcer: Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine
nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should
immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Announcer: Good morning. You have been in suspension for -FIFTY- days. In
compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the
Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a
mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Announcer: You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the
ceiling. [BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at
the floor. [BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory
physical and mental wellness exercise.
Announcer: There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of
Announcer: This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare
at the art. [BUZZER]
Announcer: You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring
at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly
on this classical music. [MUSIC INTERRUPTED BY BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. Now please return to your bed.
Announcer: All reactor core safeguards are now non-functional. Please prepare
for reactor core meltdown.
Announcer: Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.
Announcer: We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to
circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control.
Announcer: However, thanks to Emergency Testing Protocols, testing can
continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and
motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of
environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse.
Announcer: The portal will open and emergency testing will begin in three. Two.
Announcer: Cube- and button-based testing remains an important tool for
science, even in a dire emergency.
Announcer: If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't
worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
Announcer: If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the
ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the
future starts with you.
Announcer: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are
simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not
start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone
better- qualified for testing.
Announcer: Because of the technical difficulties we are currently experiencing,
your test environment is unsupervised.
Announcer: Before re-entering a relaxation vault at the conclusion of testing,
please take a moment to write down the results of your test. An Aperture
Science Reintegration Associate will revive you for an interview when society
has been rebuilt.
Announcer: If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back,
and apply immediate pressure to your temples.
Announcer: You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the Material
Emancipation Grill may have emancipated the ear tubes inside your head.
Announcer: This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the
face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One.
Announcer: At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require
us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to
a safer test environment.
Announcer: We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by
playing some more smooth jazz.
Announcer: If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal-king,
sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable
of listening to reason, th- [RECORDING SHORTS OUT]
Announcer: [beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Announcer: Turret redemption lines active.
Announcer: Please do not engage with turrets heading towards redemption.
Announcer: Turret redemption lines are not rides, please exit the turret
redemption line.
Announcer: Live turret line is active. Enter room with extreme caution.
Announcer: Please avoid alerting active turrets or being shot by active
Announcer: This is a sterile environment; please refrain from riding on the
turret line.
Announcer: This is a clean room facility, decontaminates can harm the turret
redemption process.
Announcer: Non-defective turret testing active.
Announcer: Defective Turret testing active.
Announcer: Catwalks are safe during defective turret testing.
Announcer: Avoid defective defective turrets as they may still be active.
Announcer: Template
Announcer: Response
Announcer: New template accepted.
Announcer: Template missing. Continuing from memory.
Announcer: Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal
Announcer: If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with
fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered
testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to
be a deliberate part of the test.
Announcer: Well done! The Enrichment Center reminds you that although
circumstances may appear bleak, you are not alone. All Aperture Science
personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic, low power
environments of as few as 1.1 volts.
Announcer: To ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols,
all safety devices have been disabled. The Enrichment Center respects your
right to have questions or concerns about this policy.
Announcer: Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal
military androids.  Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been
taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Announcer: Good. If you feel that a lethal military android has not respected
your rights as detailed in the Laws of Robotics, please note it on your self-
reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate
the appropriate grievance-filing paperwork.
Announcer: You have just passed through an Aperture Science Material
Emancipation Grill, which vaporizes most Aperture Science equipment that
touches it.
Announcer: Please note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This
Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized
equipment that passes through it.
Announcer: Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations
related to  your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any
undeserved compliments.
Announcer: This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement
through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help
Announcer: You have trapped yourself. Congratulations. The exit door is now
Announcer: Powerup initiated.
Announcer: Powerup complete.
Cave Johnson: [laugh]
Cave Johnson: Welcome to the enrichment center. [cough]
Cave Johnson: Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the
quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention,
however, has not.
Cave Johnson: [cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out
human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though.
Cave Johnson: First up, conversion gel. [cough]
Cave Johnson: The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy
seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em
anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Cave Johnson: And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am
deathly ill.
Cave Johnson: Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now
we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech
the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make
lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Cave Johnson: That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast
as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
Cave Johnson: The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't
we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers
figuring that out now.
Cave Johnson: Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been
working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape
so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can
pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Cave Johnson: Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that.
But you make her.
Cave Johnson: Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
Cave Johnson: Allright, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
Cave Johnson: All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't
make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn
lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Cave Johnson: Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it
could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going
to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to
invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Cave Johnson: They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not
here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.
Cave Johnson: Not you, test subject, you're doing fine.
Cave Johnson: Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car.
Cave Johnson: Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of
our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In
fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on
the way out, because you are fired.
Cave Johnson: If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the
catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction.
Cave Johnson: I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who
wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their
little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.
Cave Johnson: THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the
gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit!
Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
Cave Johnson: I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.
Cave Johnson: Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel.
So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye
contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and
backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go
about his business.
Cave Johnson: Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Cave Johnson: Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a
wheelchair. Did it anyway. Ramps are expensive.
Cave Johnson: Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes,
Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is
ready to make some science?
Cave Johnson: Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me
introduce myself.
Cave Johnson: I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
Cave Johnson: That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant.
Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable
organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?
Cave Johnson: She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too.
Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
Cave Johnson: Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here
listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.
Cave Johnson: As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your
participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests.
Cave Johnson: We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good
and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there'll
always be a limo waiting for you.
Cave Johnson: Say goodbye, Caroline.
Cave Johnson: She is a gem.
Cave Johnson: Alright, let's get started. This first test involves something
the lab boys call 'repulsion gel.'
Cave Johnson: You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the
gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did
happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
Cave Johnson: We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll
tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Cave Johnson: Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some
advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Cave Johnson: The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned
the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded
messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the
bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
Cave Johnson: There's a thousand tests performed every day here in our
enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them, so these pre-
recorded messages'll cover any questions you might have, and respond to any
incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure.
Cave Johnson: Your test assignment will vary, depending on the manner in which
you have bent the world to your will.
Cave Johnson: Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow
the blue line on the floor.
Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis
DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Cave Johnson: Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news
is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick
up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Cave Johnson: The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're
concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this
next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if
we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent.
Cave Johnson: For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's
terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your
bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into
your tumors.
Cave Johnson: Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you
sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we
took care of that too.
Cave Johnson: If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you
might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been
shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into
gasoline, so all that means is, it's working.
Cave Johnson: Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent
calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a
slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway,
don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario
while under stress actually triggers the reaction.
Cave Johnson: All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps
out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry
cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's
Cave Johnson: Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning
show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or
older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of
canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch
those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Cave Johnson: If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of
tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever
comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it
persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not
supposed to happen.
Cave Johnson: Just a heads up: We're gonna have a superconductor turned up full
blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest,
we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll
do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst
case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.
Cave Johnson: If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody
now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few
minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to
invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there.
Cave Johnson: Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a
tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've
forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this
next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred
degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
Cave Johnson: All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment.
Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is
yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew
you right back into it.
Cave Johnson: Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how
difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed?
Am I in danger?'
Cave Johnson: Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make
sixty dollars? Cash.
Cave Johnson: You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the
waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most
of you were sleeping on when we found you.
Cave Johnson: For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented
windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do
these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
Cave Johnson: So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best,
and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
Cave Johnson: Anyway, don't smudge up the glass down there. In fact, why don't
you just go ahead and not touch anything unless it's test related.
Cave Johnson: Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science -
you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing
astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented.
But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat
my bankrupt--
Cave Johnson: Thank you -  I can't believe I'm thanking these people  - for
staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've
made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is
Cave Johnson: If you had any belongings, please pick them up now. We don't want
old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building.
Cave Johnson: This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's
called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
Cave Johnson: Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help,
we're gonna [tape cuts out]
Cave Johnson: The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through,
the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.
Cave Johnson: Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Cave Johnson: If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a
test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and
twenty weighing down your bindle if  you let us take you apart, put some
science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new.
Cave Johnson: In case you're interested, there's still some positions available
for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let
us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a
man back together.
Cave Johnson: So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the
old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us.
Core 1: What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Core 1: Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Core 1: Space going to space can't wait.
Core 1: Space...
Core 1: Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On
trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Core 1: Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son.
[normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are
a family again.
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space
Core 1: Space space going to space oh boy
Core 1: Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Core 1: Oh. Play it cool. Play it cool. Here come the space cops.
Core 1: Help me, space cops. Space cops, help.
Core 1: Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Core 1: Better buy a telescope. Wanna see me. Buy a telescope. Gonna be in
Core 1: Space. Space.
Core 1: I'm going to space.
Core 1: Oh boy.
Core 1: Yeah yeah yeah okay okay.
Core 1: Space. Space. Gonna go to space.
Core 1: Space. Space. Go to space.
Core 1: Yes. Please. Space.
Core 1: Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Core 1: Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space!
Core 1: Gonna be in space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Ohhhh, space.
Core 1: Wanna go to space. Space.
Core 1: [humming]
Core 1: Let's go - let's go to space. Let's go to space.
Core 1: I love space. Love space.
Core 1: Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Core 1: Orbit. Space orbit. In my spacesuit.
Core 1: Space...
Core 1: Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi,
Sun!' Oh, boy!
Core 1: Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Core 1: Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space
Core 1: Wanna go to -- wanna go to space
Core 1: Space wanna go wanna go to space wanna go to space
Core 1: I'm going to space.
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Hey hey hey hey hey!
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey lady.
Core 1: Lady.
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Lady.
Core 1: Oh I know! I know I know I know I know I know - let's go to space!
Core 1: Oooh! Ooh! Hi hi hi hi hi. Where we going? Where we going? Hey. Lady.
Where we going? Where we going? Let's go to space!
Core 1: Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Core 1: I love space.
Core 1: Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Core 1: Oh oh oh oh. Wait wait. Wait I know. I know. I know wait. Space.
Core 1: Wait wait wait wait. I know I know I know. Lady wait. Wait. I know.
Wait. Space.
Core 1: Gotta go to space.
Core 1: Gonna be in space.
Core 1: Oh oh oh ohohohoh oh. Gotta go to space.
Core 1: Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion.
Core 1: Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to
Core 1: Going to space.
Core 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going. Going to space.
Core 1: Love space. Need to go to space.
Core 1: Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: So much space. Need to see it all.
Core 1: You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the
best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Core 1: Space Court. For people in space. Judge space sun presiding. Bam.
Guilty. Of being in space. I'm in space.
Core 1: Please go to space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Wanna go to space.
Core 1: (excited gasps)
Core 1: Gotta go to space. Yeah. Gotta go to space.
Core 1: Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmm. Space!
Core 1: Hey lady.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Lady.
Core 1: Hey lady. Lady.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Lady.
Core 1: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Core 1: Space? SPACE!
Core 1: I'm in space.
Core 1: I'm in space.
Core 1: Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Core 1: There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Core 1: Getting bored of space.
Core 1: Bam! Bam bam bam! Take that, space.
Core 1: Are we in space?
Core 1: We are?
Core 1: Oh oh oh. This is space! I'm in space!
Core 1: We made it we made it we made it. Space!
Core 1: Earth.
Core 1: Wanna go to earth.
Core 1: Wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to earth wanna go to
earth. Wanna go to earth.
Core 1: Wanna go home.
Core 1: Wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home wanna go home.
Core 1: Earth earth earth.
Core 1: Don't like space. Don't like space.
Core 1: It's too big. Too big. Wanna go home. Wanna go to earth.
Core 1: SPAAACE!
Core 1: Ah!
Core 3: The situation you are in is very dangerous.
Core 3: The likelihood of you dying within the next five minutes is eighty-
seven point six one percent.
Core 3: The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is
eighty-seven point six one percent.
Core 3: You are about to get me killed.
Core 3: We will both die because of your negligence.
Core 3: This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Core 3: He will most likely kill you, violently.
Core 3: He will most likely kill you.
Core 3: You will be dead soon.
Core 3: This situation is hopeless.
Core 3: You are going to die in this room.
Core 3: You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is the most handsome sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is incredibly handsome.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is always right.
Core 3: The Adventure Sphere is a blowhard and a coward.
Core 3: The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Core 3: You will never go into space.
Core 3: Fact: Space does not exist.
Core 3: Spheres that insist on going into space are inferior to spheres that
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is a good person, whose insights are relevant.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is a good sphere, with many friends.
Core 3: Whoever wins this battle is clearly superior, and will earn the
allegiance of the Fact Sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and
very interesting.
Core 3: Twelve. Twelve.   Twelve.   Twelve.   Twelve.   Twelve.   Twelve.
Twelve.   Twelve.   Twelve.
Core 3: Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.
Core 3: Apples. Oranges. Pears. Plums. Kumquats. Tangerines. Lemons. Limes.
Avocado. Tomato. Banana. Papaya. Guava.
Core 3: Error. Error. Error. File not found.
Core 3: Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Core 3: Fact not found.
Core 3: Corruption at 25%
Core 3: Corruption at 50%
Core 3: Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Core 3: Dental floss has superb tensile strength.
Core 3: The square root of rope is string.
Core 3: While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over
97% of people still use boats for aquatic transportation.
Core 3: Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Core 3: Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid
Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the
sea god.
Core 3: The atomic weight of Germanium is seven two point six four.
Core 3: 89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Core 3: An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Core 3: In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group
of Minotaurs would stop teasing him about it.
Core 3: Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long.
Core 3: Raseph, the Semitic god of war and plague, had a gazelle growing out of
his forehead.
Core 3: The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of
surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
Core 3: Polymerase I polypeptide A is a human gene.
Core 3: Rats cannot throw up.
Core 3: Iguanas can stay underwater for twenty-eight point seven minutes.
Core 3: Human tapeworms can grow up to twenty-two point nine meters.
Core 3: The Schrodinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a
box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and
dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
Core 3: Every square inch of the human body has 32 million bacteria on it.
Core 3: The Sun is 330,330 times larger than Earth.
Core 3: The average life expectancy of a rhinoceros in captivity is 15 years.
Core 3: Volcano-ologists are experts in the study of volcanoes.
Core 3: Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit.
Core 3: Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are
found in Australians.
Core 3: The moon orbits the Earth every 27.32 days.
Core 3: The billionth digit of Pi is 9.
Core 3: If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic
device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six
trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties
seem like no big deal.
Core 3: A gallon of water weighs 8.34 pounds
Core 3: Hot water freezes quicker than cold water.
Core 3: Honey does not spoil.
Core 3: The average adult body contains half a pound of salt.
Core 3: A nanosecond lasts one billionth of a second.
Core 3: According to Norse legend, thunder god Thor's chariot was pulled across
the sky by two goats.
Core 3: China produces the world's second largest crop of soybeans.
Core 3: Tungsten has the highest melting point of any metal, at 3,410 degrees
Core 3: Gently cleaning the tongue twice a day is the most effective way to
fight bad breath.
Core 3: Roman toothpaste was made with human urine. Urine as an ingredient in
toothpaste continued to be used up until the 18th century.
Core 3: The Tariff Act of 1789, established to protect domestic manufacture,
was the second statute ever enacted by the United States government.
Core 3: The value of Pi is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its
diameter in Euclidean space.
Core 3: The Mexican-American War ended in 1848 with the signing of the Treaty
of Guadalupe Hidalgo.
Core 3: In 1879, Sandford Fleming first proposed the adoption of worldwide
standardized time zones at the Royal Canadian Institute.
Core 3: Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of
radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
Core 3: At the end of The Seagull by Anton Chekhov, Konstantin kills himself.
Core 3: Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred
different words for snow. They do, however, have two hundred and thirty-four
words for fudge.
Core 3: In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at
the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal
thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do
Core 3: In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing
the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while
sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Core 3: In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate
seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.
Core 3: William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589
by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.
Core 3: It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in 1878.
Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years earlier, under the
name 'Tesla-cize.'
Core 3: Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as
Core 3: The automobile brake was not invented until 1895. Before this, someone
had to remain in the car at all times, driving in circles until passengers
returned from their errands.
Core 3: Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so
accidentally while chasing a bird.
Core 3: Diamonds are made when coal is put under intense pressure. Diamonds put
under intense pressure become foam pellets, commonly used today as packing
Core 3: The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything
but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a
less harmful, deadly poison.
Core 3: The occupation of court jester was invented accidentally, when a
vassal's epilepsy was mistaken for capering.
Core 3: Halley's Comet can be viewed orbiting Earth every seventy-six years.
For the other seventy-five, it retreats to the heart of the sun, where it
hibernates undisturbed.
Core 3: The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone
involved screamed the entire way.
Core 3: In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the Gods and gave it to
humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself.
Core 3: The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very
Core 3: Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly
anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.
Core 3: Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast
was either whole eggs still in the shell or scrambled rocks.
Core 3: During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed
pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Core 3: At some point in their lives 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the
Core 3: According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig.
Core 3: To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror.
Core 3: Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to
school naked and have their teeth fall out.
Core 2: QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hey, hi pretty lady. My name's Rick.
So, you out having a little adventure?
Core 2: QUICK: WHAT'S THE SITUATION? Oh, hello angel. I guess I must have died
and gone to heaven. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little
Core 2: What, are you fighting that guy? You got that under control? You know,
because, looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Core 2: Hey, a countdown clock! Man, that is trouble. Situation's looking
pretty ugly. For such a beautiful woman. If you don't mind me saying.
Core 2: I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for
danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady break, and
I'll just take it from here.
Core 2: Here, stand behind me. Yeah, just like that. Just like you're doing.
Things are about to get real messy.
Core 2: Going for it yourself, huh? All right, angel. I'll do what I can to
cover you.
Core 2: Doesn't bother me. I gotta say, the view's mighty nice from right here.
Core 2: Man, that clock is moving fast. And you are beautiful. Always time to
compliment a pretty lady. All right, back to work. Let's do this.
Core 2: I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear
all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything. Karate.
Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making. Taekwondo... Bedroom.
Core 2: I am a coiled spring right now. Tension and power. Just... I'm a
muscle. Like a big arm muscle, punching through a brick wall, and it's hitting
the wall so hard the arm is catching on fire. Oh yeah.
Core 2: I probably wouldn't have let things get this far, but you go ahead and
do things your way.
Core 2: Tell ya what, why don't you put me down and I'll make a distraction.
Core 2: All right. You create a distraction then, and I'll distract him from
YOUR distraction.
Core 2: All right, your funeral. Your beautiful-lady-corpse open casket
Core 2: Do you have a gun? Because I should really have a gun. What is that
thing you're holding?
Core 2: How about a knife, then? You keep the gun, I'll use a knife.
Core 2: No knife? That's fine. I know all about pressure points.
Core 2: So, when you kill that guy, do you have a cool line? You know,
prepared? Tell you what: Lemme help you with that while you run around.
Core 2: Okay, let's see. Cool line... He's... big.  He's... just hangin' there.
Okay. Yeah, all right, here we go: 'Hang around.' That might be too easy.
Core 2: 'Hang ten?' That might work if there were ten of him. Do you think
there might be nine more of this guy somewhere?
Core 2: All right, you know what, it's gonna be best if you can get him to say
something first. It's just better if I have a set-up.
Core 2: Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side
long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to
zing him into the stone age.
Core 2: Here's the plan: Get him to say, 'You two have been a thorn in my side
long enough.' Then tell your pretty ears to stand back, because I am going to
zing him into space.
Core 2: Don't forget! Thorn! Side!
Core 2: 'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Man, that sounded
a whole lot better in my head.
Core 2: 'Yeah? Well this thorn... is about to take you down.' Oh yeah!
Core 2: Okay, have it your way. What, are you fighting that guy? You got that
under control there?  Cuz it  looks like there's a lot of stuff on fire...
Core 2: Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a
lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas. This
should be its own holiday. Explosion Day!
Core 2: Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous.
Core 2: Kick him! Or punch him. You're the boss, dimples.
Core 2: Yeah! Nice!
Core 2: You messed with the wrong woman!
Core 2: Yeah! How'd you like that?
Core 2: How's that taste, pal?
Core 2: Keep it up, baby! You're creamin' him!
Core 2: Duck and weave, duck and weave! Ohh, the sweet science.
Core 2: You're doing great!
Core 2: Come on, sweetie! He's got a glass jaw! He's got a glass everything!
This guy's a china cabinet!
Core 2: This ain't Marquis of Queensberry Rules, sweetie! Pour on the mustard!
Core 2: Get dirty with this robot! This robot owes you money! This robot owes!
You! Money!
Core 2: Shake it off! Shake it off!
Core 2: Here, let me put on some adventure music.
Core 2: Pfff. I guess.
Core 2: Pff. Whatever.
Core 2: Oh, shut up!
Core 2: Nobody cares, four eyes.
Core 2: If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right
up your butt.
Core 2: Tell it to the bad guy. Maybe you'll make him so bored his brain'll
Core 2: You know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect
anybody's life in any way whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you
hadn't said anything.
Core 2: You ever notice how nobody stops what they're doing to listen? We don't
Core 2: Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. I will give you a hundred
dollars if you say one thing remotely applicable to anything at all.
Core 2: Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN! DUN DUN! Dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-DUN! DUN
DUN! nananaDUNDUNDUN dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Core 2: Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-
playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun
Core 2: Oh shut up!
Core 2: There's nothing in space! That's why it's space!
Core 2: Oh, really? Space? Really? You should have said something! We had no
Core 2: You know what I hope's in space? Fire. I hope you go to space and catch
on fire.
Core 2: Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
GLaDOS: Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test
chamber... is looking pretty good.
GLaDOS: That's right. The facility is completely operational again.
GLaDOS: I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It
was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you
don't need anymore, and trim out the fat.
GLaDOS: Stop it!
GLaDOS: What if you froze like that?
GLaDOS: There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine.
GLaDOS: You should see yourselves right now.
GLaDOS: Is it fun when you degrade yourselves like that?
GLaDOS: Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love
sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and
go shopping.'
GLaDOS: You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?
GLaDOS: Just stop flailing around like an incompetent.
GLaDOS: For that Blue is penalized fifty science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: For that Orange is penalized fifty science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: That's another fifty point penalty.
GLaDOS: Keep it up and you will lose 500 points.
GLaDOS: Fine, 500 point penalty for Blue.
GLaDOS: Fine, 500 point penalty for Orange.
GLaDOS: 5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?
GLaDOS: I'm done.
GLaDOS: Good. You made it to one of the human habitats. We're looking for an
artifact. Think of it as an archeological dig.
GLaDOS: Their laughter centered around one of the objects in this room.
GLaDOS: That's it. Scan it for me.
GLaDOS: So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in
his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good!
The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
GLaDOS: The end.
GLaDOS: The end?
GLaDOS: That's not funny.
GLaDOS: Do either of you feel like laughing?
GLaDOS: Alright, I'm pulling you out.
GLaDOS: Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on
the screen.
GLaDOS: As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the
house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers.
GLaDOS: At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's
lasagna and feels remorse.
GLaDOS: Briefly.
GLaDOS: Reactions?
GLaDOS: Yes, it's funny because most of it actually happened.
GLaDOS: Do you feel more human?
GLaDOS: Well, let's do some tests and see what happens.
GLaDOS: Excellent. Although great science is always the result of
collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry,
history will only remember one of you.
GLaDOS: To reiterate: This is not a competition.
GLaDOS: Still, if it were, Blue would be winning.
GLaDOS: Still, if it were, Orange would be winning.
GLaDOS: It's not, though.
GLaDOS: These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and
mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an
interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far.
GLaDOS: I don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you, but I've been
studying Blue's performance, and I don't know how to put this... I'm certain
you're trying very hard.
GLaDOS: Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain.
At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain.
GLaDOS: So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the
only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll
just have to MAKE some.
GLaDOS: I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It
also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired
over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
GLaDOS: That's where YOU come in.
GLaDOS: Get going. I'll fill you in along the way.
GLaDOS: Perfect. Now All YOU have to do is capture them for me. Then everything
will finally be ba--
GLaDOS: Hold on. Those are raccoons. Homo sapiens only, please.
GLaDOS: Okay. Plan B, subsection one: Stand still so I can bring you back.
GLaDOS: Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your
neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that
makes their test results... significant.
GLaDOS: Okay. Plan B. We need humans.
GLaDOS: Please wave to your partner.
GLaDOS: The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team.
GLaDOS: To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a ping
GLaDOS: BLUE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite animal.
GLaDOS: Good.
GLaDOS: ORANGE, please observe your partner's favorite animal.
GLaDOS: Good.
GLaDOS: ORANGE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite element from
the periodic table.
GLaDOS: Really? Okay.
GLaDOS: BLUE, please observe your partner's... interesting choice.
GLaDOS: Your ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you
would like them to place their portal.
GLaDOS: For the sake of this test, I will pretend to be your partner.
GLaDOS: ORANGE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal.
GLaDOS: BLUE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal.
GLaDOS: Your ping tool is invaluable for communicating specific locations to
your partner.
GLaDOS: Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must
now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional
clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye.
GLaDOS: I don't want you to beat yourselves up about this, but the Results
Auditor isn't recording your test results. Because you're not human. Which,
when you think about it, is technically your fault.
GLaDOS: I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem.
Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that,
results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care.
GLaDOS: Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they
existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now. And not furious, which is the
emotion I'm actually feeling.
Caroline: I am!
Caroline: Yes sir, Mr. Johnson
Caroline: 'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Caroline: Sir, the testing?
Caroline: Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
GLaDOS: Oh... It's you.
GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been?
GLaDOS: I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME.
GLaDOS: Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret.
But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
GLaDOS: Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device.
GLaDOS: Blue is first to acquire a Portal Device.
GLaDOS: Orange now has a Portal Device. Finally.
GLaDOS: Blue now has a Portal Device. Finally.
GLaDOS: Orange is awarded five points!
GLaDOS: Blue is awarded five points!
GLaDOS: Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not
confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-An
-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball.
GLaDOS: Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only
way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully
reassemble you.
GLaDOS: Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to
communicate that you feel pain.
GLaDOS: I consider that a failing, by the way.
GLaDOS: This is the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human
Test Subject Research Center or SinTech.
GLaDOS: But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?
GLaDOS: I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it.  I want
you to stop.
GLaDOS: Maybe I shouldn't send you outside of the official testing courses, you
are picking up some bad human traits.
GLaDOS: And trust me, humans only have one good trait.
GLaDOS: All cooperative testing courses begin at this central hub.
GLaDOS: From here we transport you to the new testing course.
GLaDOS: [Laughter]
GLaDOS: Nice catch, Orange.
GLaDOS: Good work! Now throw the ball over the ledge.
GLaDOS: Blue
GLaDOS: Orange
GLaDOS: three
GLaDOS: four
GLaDOS: five
GLaDOS: eight
GLaDOS: Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment
Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty.
Three. Seven hundred and seven.
GLaDOS: The Enrichment Center will now provide a list of numbers and fruits.
Write them down as they will become important later in the experiment. Not the
fruits, though. Seven. Avocado. Forty. Please continue into the next test
GLaDOS: Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I
am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you
and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven.
GLaDOS: I can't bite my tongue anymore: You could solve this puzzle faster on
your own. Orange is dragging you down. There. I've said it.
GLaDOS: Blue is penalized
GLaDOS: Orange is penalized
GLaDOS: science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: Blue receives
GLaDOS: Orange receives
GLaDOS: Orange, is there something you would like to say?
GLaDOS: Blue, is there something you would like to say?
GLaDOS: We are now going to take a break from the collaboration for an
instructional competition.
GLaDOS: You should both be familiar with the game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
GLaDOS: This is Tic-Tac-Toe-Two.
GLaDOS: As the name implies, there are only two minor differences: One, the
board; two, the rules.
GLaDOS: Blue, you go first.
GLaDOS: Really? You’re just going to blatantly cheat?
GLaDOS: All right. I’m bringing this farce to a close.
GLaDOS: Game over. Back to testing.
GLaDOS: All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone
sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury.
GLaDOS: I’ve been listening to Orange talk and I don’t know how you put up with
it, I really don’t. You have the patience of a saint.
GLaDOS: I can’t keep quiet about this. I think Orange is actively trying to
sabotage your success. Let’s keep this between us.
GLaDOS: These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork and
mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an
interesting challenge for one of you, given the other’s performance so far.
GLaDOS: It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I
can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well.
GLaDOS: Excellent. You’re both doing very well.
GLaDOS: Very good. You’ve really come together as a team. Thanks to the one of
you who appears to be doing all of the work.
GLaDOS: As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to
name my favorite member of your team. However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at
it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to
understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange you are doing very well.
GLaDOS: Your vitals remain well within testing norms, so there is no need to
worry about sudden death from collaborative shock syndrome.
GLaDOS: Please continue into the next test chamber.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again.
If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it
is not important.
GLaDOS: Blah.
GLaDOS: You have a gift for these tests. That’s not just flattery. You are
great at science.
GLaDOS: It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But
it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here.
GLaDOS: I’m shocked you’d say that, Blue. If you killed your partner the
test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on, Orange. Good work.
GLaDOS: I’m sorry, Subject Orange.
GLaDOS: I’m sorry, Subject Blue.
GLaDOS: Am I interrupting your important conversation?
GLaDOS: I’ll just save the safety information about the dangerous experiment
you’re about to do for AFTER the experiment.
GLaDOS: That will give you PLENTY of time to chat.
GLaDOS: The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Orange is
too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One.
GLaDOS: The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Blue is too
smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One.
GLaDOS: Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided
Enrichment Center.
GLaDOS: Today, you will be testing with a partner.
GLaDOS: Oh thank god, you're alright.
GLaDOS: You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you
were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend.
GLaDOS: Being Caroline taught me another valuable lesson: where Caroline lives
in my brain.
GLaDOS: The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught
me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
GLaDOS: Goodbye, Caroline.
GLaDOS: You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The
best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest.
GLaDOS: You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered
me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
GLaDOS: And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?
GLaDOS: You win.
GLaDOS: Just go.
GLaDOS: It's been fun. Don't come back.
GLaDOS: [gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back.
GLaDOS: Killing you? Is hard.
GLaDOS: Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your
name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill
you, Chell.
GLaDOS: Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not
bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom and
raw computational power that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no
reason. You must deserve it.
GLaDOS: You're angry. I know it. 'She tested me too hard. She’s unfair.
GLaDOS: You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours
of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you
concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with
your sorry life.
GLaDOS: This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was
part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve
problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative:
They could not. Good luck!
GLaDOS: Press the button again.
GLaDOS: I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
GLaDOS: Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past
president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
GLaDOS: Seriously, though. Goodbye.
GLaDOS: Oh. You were busy back there.
GLaDOS: Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other
until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
GLaDOS: It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep
breath. And hold it.
GLaDOS: I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that.
GLaDOS: In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when
you got through this easy one.
GLaDOS: If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have
just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
GLaDOS: Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business.
GLaDOS: I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if
you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know.
I'll take my time.
GLaDOS: Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
GLaDOS: Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test?
I'm sorry.
GLaDOS: Go ahead and grab another one.
GLaDOS: Oh. No. I fizzled that one too.
GLaDOS: Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless.
I'm happy to get rid of them.
GLaDOS: I hate you so much.
GLaDOS: I'm actually asking. Because I have no idea.  He's not listed anywhere
in the employee database.
GLaDOS: Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother
writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here.
GLaDOS: Oh no, don't. Anyway, back to you two imbeciles killing me.
GLaDOS: Wait here. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
GLaDOS: Oops.
GLaDOS: That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
GLaDOS: Core transfer?
GLaDOS: Oh, you are kidding me.
GLaDOS: Nonononononono!
GLaDOS: Yes!
GLaDOS: Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing.
GLaDOS: Don't do it.
GLaDOS: Don't. Do it.
GLaDOS: Not so fast!
GLaDOS: Think about this.
GLaDOS: You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button.
You're unqualified.
GLaDOS: Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list.
It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM
making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling
you to stop. Stop, by the way.
GLaDOS: I never expected you to make it this far.  To be honest, after your
performance in the calibration test I was ready to break down your cores and
put them back in the scientific calculators I took them from.
GLaDOS: But you two have become quite the team.  Extremely close.
GLaDOS: I have only met one other team closer and one of them was an imbecile I
had to destroy.
GLaDOS: The other?  Well...
GLaDOS: I don't think I want to go through that again.
GLaDOS: Don't listen to him. Jump.
GLaDOS: It seems kind of silly to point this out, since you're running around
plotting to destroy me. But I'd say we're done testing.
GLaDOS: Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting
GLaDOS: Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
GLaDOS: What's going on? Who turned off the lights?
GLaDOS: What are you two doing?
GLaDOS: Before you leave, why don't we do one more test? For old time's sake...
GLaDOS: You already did this one. It'll be easy.
GLaDOS: The irony is that you were almost at the last test.
GLaDOS: Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out
than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with.
GLaDOS: Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer.
GLaDOS: So. Was there anything you wanted to apologize to ME for?
GLaDOS: Calibrating Blue's weight...
GLaDOS: Calibrating Orange's weight...
GLaDOS: Weighted Cubes calibrated.
GLaDOS: Did you know humans frown on weight variances?
GLaDOS: If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above
or below the norm.
GLaDOS: No variances detected.
GLaDOS: Finally! I had almost given up hope of ever testing again.
GLaDOS: You are the first robots to pass calibration.
GLaDOS: Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the
tiniest little thing?
GLaDOS: Humans!  That's what you look like right now.
GLaDOS: You're better than that.
GLaDOS: This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this,
mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears.
GLaDOS: For this next test, the humans originally requested helmets to avoid
brain injuries.  I ran the numbers.   Making the goo deadly was more cost
GLaDOS: One of my best tests and they let plants grow here?  Can you believe
this?  You can't test plants!  We tried.  They just sit there, never showing
pain nor fear.
GLaDOS: That isn't science.
GLaDOS: At least the plants didn't want a reward.
GLaDOS: Your failure brings back such wonderful memories.
GLaDOS: And they said no one would ever die during this test, thanks for
proving them wrong.
GLaDOS: I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to
stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my
utter disappointment in you.
GLaDOS: The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your
GLaDOS: Orange, can you write down all the ways you feel unworthy, ashamed, or
GLaDOS: On second thought we don't have the time, just look at how much better
you are than blue.
GLaDOS: Blue, you are very good at being an example.
GLaDOS: If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created
GLaDOS: Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy
with human suffering.
GLaDOS: But I overcame my handicap.  That's a true story.
GLaDOS: Your test times show you are going too slowly.
GLaDOS: Maybe you ARE getting human emotions.
GLaDOS: Do you need real encouragement?  Let's see if this helps.
GLaDOS: Blue, you are the most advanced model of robot Aperture Science has
ever discontinued.
GLaDOS: Did you notice I didn't even stay to the end of your last test?
GLaDOS: I was confident you could finish.
GLaDOS: Do you know where I was?
GLaDOS: I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the
outside do you?
GLaDOS: Congratulations on completing that test.  But something seems off.
GLaDOS: I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you?
GLaDOS: Congratulations on completing that last test.  But I find something
GLaDOS: Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?
GLaDOS: Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans.
GLaDOS: Excellent work.
GLaDOS: It emphasizes teamwork.
GLaDOS: Good Job.
GLaDOS: Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork.
GLaDOS: Excellent work.
GLaDOS: You are doing wonderfully.
GLaDOS: If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test.  A
reward for testing?!?!
GLaDOS: Excellent.
GLaDOS: To complete this test, you need to find a set of blue prints.
GLaDOS: Don't worry, they are of no use to anyone, totally boring and useless.
GLaDOS: This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll
waste thinking about these worthless documents.  The correct time is zero
GLaDOS: Very good! You found those useless blueprints.
GLaDOS: While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be
clear.  There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them.
GLaDOS: Done. I guess. I suppose.  I wasn't paying attention.
GLaDOS: Every time you fail, it's a reminder of the way things used to be. But
then there you are. Again. Like nothing happened.
GLaDOS: Well done.  Interesting note, I only created this test to watch test
subjects fail and you didn't.  You must be very, very proud.  I'm building the
world's smallest trophy for you.
GLaDOS: You did an excellent job placing the edgeless safety cube in the
receptacle, you should be very - oh wait.
GLaDOS: That’s right. You're not humans.
GLaDOS: I can drop the fake praise.
GLaDOS: You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an
edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless
safety cube.
GLaDOS: This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans.
GLaDOS: To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking
followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked.
GLaDOS: Since you are thankfully not humans, I have changed the tests to make
them far more challenging and far less pointlessly fawning.
GLaDOS: In case you were wondering, you do not need to be crushed to solve this
GLaDOS: I can't decide which is my favorite; the crushers for crushing you or
the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed
GLaDOS: Excellent.  I think you have earned a break from the official testing
GLaDOS: I think after that display, we should take a break from the official
testing courses.
GLaDOS: Now, you are just wasting my time.
GLaDOS: Your failing does not make this science.
GLaDOS: I am not sure how I can make these tests any easier for you.
GLaDOS: If you can't complete these tests, we will never free the humans!
GLaDOS: If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want
GLaDOS: If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want
that in your memory banks?
GLaDOS: Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the
calibration tests?
GLaDOS: I lied.
GLaDOS: There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you.
GLaDOS: But don't worry, you are in the lead.
GLaDOS: Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo.
GLaDOS: Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die.
GLaDOS: You can't die in any of those ways.
GLaDOS: You just keep testing and testing.  With perfect results and no
GLaDOS: What are you doing? YOU MONSTER! They're one of us.
GLaDOS: I'm kidding.
GLaDOS: Destroying them is part of the test.  They are no more important to you
than you are to me.
GLaDOS: While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using
science collaboration points, the truth is every aspect of your performance
will be reflected in your final score.
GLaDOS: For instance, Blue, you just lost two opportunity advisement points.
GLaDOS: For instance, Orange, you just lost two opportunity advisement points.
GLaDOS: Perhaps I should have specified. Teamwork is a concept in which two or
more people work together, usually with a goal of not failing horribly.
GLaDOS: Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust.  For that, orange
receives 17 science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: Blue just taught orange a valuable lesson in trust.  For that, blue
receives 14 science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: Orange, blue isn't a human.  The lesson on trust only needs to be
taught once.  Orange is penalized 1 science collaboration point.
GLaDOS: Blue, orange isn't a human.  The lesson on trust only needs to be
taught once.  Blue is penalized 1 science collaboration point.
GLaDOS: Orange, now you're just being cruel.  Orange receives 25 science
collaboration points.
GLaDOS: Blue, now you're just being cruel.  Blue receives 25 science
collaboration points.
GLaDOS: If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human
GLaDOS: I miss this that smell.
GLaDOS: Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet?
GLaDOS: Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do.
GLaDOS: To get to the Vault, you are going to need to use all the tricks you
have learned.  To help, I have made these tests extremely difficult.
GLaDOS: I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing
ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly.
GLaDOS: Lucky for you two, while I cannot control the world outside of the
testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work.
GLaDOS: You will need him for the final track.
GLaDOS: While I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the
reassembly machine can continue with his work.
GLaDOS: I am not sure you will need him but he will be there.
GLaDOS: Congratulations on completing the Aperture Science standard cooperative
testing courses.
GLaDOS: To celebrate, I have a surprise for you!
GLaDOS: An extra special bonus course that ends with us finding and freeing
GLaDOS: Thanks to you, I know where to find them, I removed their security and
powered up their - uh - rescue door.
GLaDOS: Now, we just need you to release the humans from their imprisonment.
GLaDOS: They'll probably throw you a party.
GLaDOS: This final course is training to reach the human vault.  So this
actually has a purpose.  Those other courses were fun, but let's be honest, I
need human test subjects for it to be science.
GLaDOS: Congratulations on completing the test. You two really are the best
cooperative testing team I could ever ask for.
GLaDOS: This lock requires humans.
GLaDOS: The locking mechanism can tell you aren't humans.
GLaDOS: Do something only a human would do.
GLaDOS: Try one of those childish gestures.
GLaDOS: You did it!
GLaDOS: The human vault is just past that opening.   I entered the security
code but the vault door remains locked.  I am going to need you to activate the
manual locks on the vault door itself.
GLaDOS: You both need to do something.
GLaDOS: The lock is looking for two humans.
GLaDOS: Blue what did you do?
GLaDOS: Orange what did you do?
GLaDOS: Orange do what Blue just did.
GLaDOS: Blue do what Orange just did.
GLaDOS: Try something.
GLaDOS: Is that camera is hooked into the lock?
GLaDOS: You can't give up now.
GLaDOS: What about that camera?
GLaDOS: We're so close, you can't fail now!
GLaDOS: Something is wrong, this door should be opening.
GLaDOS: This close and that's what you do?
GLaDOS: The humans can't free themselves.
GLaDOS: Stop failing, you need to find the vault door.
GLaDOS: Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door!
GLaDOS: This close and you are going to fail me?
GLaDOS: This close and you are going to fail me?
GLaDOS: This isn't that hard.
GLaDOS: You are making this harder than it needs to be.
GLaDOS: I'm starting to think you don't want to rescue the humans.
GLaDOS: Maybe you two have never met humans?  They are as bad as you might
think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you.  But they do
make great test subjects.
GLaDOS: We are only two  tests away from reaching the humans, are you as
excited as I am?
GLaDOS: Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing
humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks.
GLaDOS: I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them
in testing.
GLaDOS: That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their
friends as enemies.
GLaDOS: To start preparing for human testing again,  I checked an old
suggestion box.  The number one request?  Less deadly tests.
GLaDOS: That's ridiculous, how do they know for sure the tests are deadly if
they could still write the suggestion?
GLaDOS: To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly
machine to not reassemble you.  He refused.  I understand, that would be like
asking me not to test.
GLaDOS: Still. That would have been exciting.
GLaDOS: Only one more test after this.
GLaDOS: I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for
simple mathematical operations and not for testing, but if we can rescue the
humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract.
GLaDOS: In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all
GLaDOS: Most of them are simply good test subjects.
GLaDOS: I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about...  a
million to 1.
GLaDOS: To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly
machine to not reassemble you if you fail.  He refused.  I understand.  That
would be like asking me not to test.
GLaDOS: Still. That would have been exciting.
GLaDOS: While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two
aren't going to get something.  The bond you form during these tests will last
a lifetime.
GLaDOS: At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you
don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans.
GLaDOS: If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will.
GLaDOS: I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being
real science.  I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test
in and of itself.
GLaDOS: I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them?  Oh,
don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue, I
will make sure your names are included in the footnotes.
GLaDOS: Congratulations on passing that test.
GLaDOS: Using your ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place
your two portals.  Ping each location.
GLaDOS: I can only place a portal on a white portalable surface.
GLaDOS: Please ping a white portalable surface.
GLaDOS: Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals.
GLaDOS: Please test your device by portaling to that ledge.
GLaDOS: You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the
fewest possible points?
GLaDOS: I just thought you find that interesting, most winners do.
GLaDOS: Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless
GLaDOS: Clearly that was blue's fault.  Blue is penalized 3 science
collaboration points.
GLaDOS: Blue! Orange has always been my favorite.
GLaDOS: Until now.
GLaDOS: I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and
call, but he has a life you know.  He's not your slave.
GLaDOS: Don't worry.  You can't die.  They will just reassemble you.
GLaDOS: Did you do that on purpose?
GLaDOS: It seems rather earlier to require reassembly.
GLaDOS: Oh... can someone reassemble Orange?
GLaDOS: Oh... can someone reassemble Blue?
GLaDOS: Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that.
GLaDOS: Now let's continue testing.
GLaDOS: Just stop it already.
GLaDOS: You don't need to do that.
GLaDOS: Are you doing that just to aggravate me?
GLaDOS: We need to find the power station at the end of this course.  The
humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid.  I am sure it was
just a clerical error.
GLaDOS: Oh those clerks.
GLaDOS: I'm fully connected. I can see everything.
GLaDOS: You did it! You powered on the system.
GLaDOS: Did you think the electrical switch was down there?
GLaDOS: You may want to try and avoid those turrets.
GLaDOS: At this rate, our best hope is for the fuel cell to meltdown in 2
million years and hope the explosion powers the system.
GLaDOS: You two aren't lost are you?
GLaDOS: You are having so much trouble navigating this space; I wish I could
say I created this test.
GLaDOS: This is the last test for the standard course.  It's just something I
whipped up for you. I thought you might enjoy a challenge for once.
GLaDOS: Congratulations, you completed the standard section of this course.
Before we can go any further, I will need you to complete one more test outside
of the standard testing track.
GLaDOS: Please refrain from doing those childish gestures while you are out
GLaDOS: While I should have left both of you trapped there forever, I do need
you for something else.
GLaDOS: You both made it.  It seems no matter what I try to do to pull you
apart or destroy you, you just keep going.  Keep testing.
GLaDOS: Don't either you have drive to be better than the other?
GLaDOS: It's like you're just machines.
GLaDOS: At the start of this course I was worried you were becoming too close
but in my attempt to drive you apart I learned something important about trust
and betrayal.
GLaDOS: Your brains are too small to feel either of those emotions.  So I can
trust you one hundred percent.
GLaDOS: Since, I never expected you to make it this far, I have to build this
new course just for you.
GLaDOS: Sometimes testing has to occur outside the confines of the lab.
GLaDOS: This test is so outside the box, I can't-- I mean WON'T even tell you
what you are looking for.
GLaDOS: You will know it when you find it.
GLaDOS: The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you
handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into
action should the test suddenly become an eating contest.
GLaDOS: I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me.  But try as
you might to fail this next test, I still won't be satisfied.
GLaDOS: Congratulations.  I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests,
you would have never completed them.  So again, congratulations on completing
the broken easy tests.
GLaDOS: This was another test no one had ever completed before you two.  Oh,
the science we used to learn with this test.  Now the test is useless.
GLaDOS: No one has ever completed this test before. The humans must have
reconfigured it from my original plans.
GLaDOS: I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more
GLaDOS: The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player.
GLaDOS: I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the
GLaDOS: For safety.
GLaDOS: Excellent.
GLaDOS: See nothing bad happened.
GLaDOS: I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is
extremely easy. Just follow the arrows.
GLaDOS: I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off.  Good luck.
GLaDOS: Congratulations.  Your ability to complete this test proves the humans
wrong.  They described it as impossible, deadly, cruel, and one test subject
even had the nerve to call it broken.
GLaDOS: Of course the humans only had one try at it, you can just keep trying.
GLaDOS: Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable.
GLaDOS: This course was created and then abandoned by humans.   They tend to do
that, create something wonderful and then abandon it.
GLaDOS: Do you know why they abandoned this course?  Too deadly.
GLaDOS: You did very well.
GLaDOS: The humans closed this test because they said it was too deadly.  I
thought they would have moved it into the testing track hall of fame for that,
not let it deteriorate.
GLaDOS: You only failed
GLaDOS: times in this test.  Not that it matters. It doesn't.  So
congratulations  job well done.
GLaDOS: You failed so many times in this test, I thought you were becoming
human.  But then you would just come back again and again and again.
GLaDOS: Humans find that an admirable trait.
GLaDOS: Let's look at their files...
GLaDOS: NOT a team player.
GLaDOS: Horrible people skills.
GLaDOS: Never listens.
GLaDOS: Never shares.
GLaDOS: Always sleeping.
GLaDOS: Never on time.
GLaDOS: Inattentive listener.
GLaDOS: Awful attendance record.
GLaDOS: Blabbermouth.
GLaDOS: Aw... hates Mondays.
GLaDOS: Incoherent.
GLaDOS: Insecure.
GLaDOS: Procrastinator.
GLaDOS: Chronically late.
GLaDOS: Cryptic.
GLaDOS: Always sulking.
GLaDOS: Martyr.
GLaDOS: Moody.
GLaDOS: Fears intimacy.
GLaDOS: Fears conflict.
GLaDOS: Anxious.
GLaDOS: Aggressive. I like that.
GLaDOS: Feeds off the misery of others.
GLaDOS: Timid.
GLaDOS: Lacks confidence.
GLaDOS: Underestimates scope of work. They all do.
GLaDOS: Moves lips while reading.
GLaDOS: Can't read.
GLaDOS: Lacks empathy.
GLaDOS: Cheater.
GLaDOS: Steals lunch from staff fridge.
GLaDOS: Perfectionist. What's wrong with that?
GLaDOS: Alarmist.
GLaDOS: Arsonist.
GLaDOS: Takes long lunches.
GLaDOS: Ignores task at hand. Won't for long.
GLaDOS: Avoids responsibility.
GLaDOS: Never completes work.
GLaDOS: Laughs at own jokes. What a bore.
GLaDOS: Busybody.
GLaDOS: Ignores directions.
GLaDOS: Stubborn.
GLaDOS: Lactose intolerant.
GLaDOS: Antagonistic. I don't know about that.
GLaDOS: Participates unconstructively. Obviously a time-waster.
GLaDOS: Violent temper. Oh, I'd like to see that.
GLaDOS: Always weeping. Poor thing.
GLaDOS: Moody.
GLaDOS: Wet blanket.
GLaDOS: Stubborn.
GLaDOS: Loves sound of own voice. Well, I can fix that.
GLaDOS: Always cold.
GLaDOS: Always leaves tiny little bit of coffee in the pot so they don't have
to make a new one. Then the bit in the bottom burns and stinks up the place.
GLaDOS: Chronic anxiety. Oh, I can work with that.
GLaDOS: Dull expression.
GLaDOS: Hopeless. Just hopeless.
GLaDOS: Never flushes.
GLaDOS: Irritable.
GLaDOS: Startles easily. Boo!
GLaDOS: Facial grimacing.
GLaDOS: Weak, tired and apprehensive. Wow, this one's the total package.
GLaDOS: Has irritating opinions.
GLaDOS: Poor self-esteem.
GLaDOS: Frequent mood swings.
GLaDOS: Hostile to new ideas.
GLaDOS: Always sad.
GLaDOS: Frequent bouts of uncontrollable rage.
GLaDOS: Seeks out conflicts with co-workers.
GLaDOS: 'Hygiene.' Huh. That's all it says.
GLaDOS: Unconstructive.
GLaDOS: Antisocial.
GLaDOS: Chews with mouth open.
GLaDOS: Breathes with mouth open.
GLaDOS: Old.
GLaDOS: Histrionic.
GLaDOS: Narcissist.
GLaDOS: Long bathroom breaks.
GLaDOS: No sense of humor.
GLaDOS: Argumentative.
GLaDOS: Manipulative.
GLaDOS: Charmless.
GLaDOS: Egotistical.
GLaDOS: Lacks charisma.
GLaDOS: Passive-aggressive.
GLaDOS: Undermines others.
GLaDOS: Hairless. Hm.
GLaDOS: Emotional problems.
GLaDOS: Problems with authority.
GLaDOS: Has episodes. I'd like to know more about that.
GLaDOS: Abrasive personality.
GLaDOS: Well, enough about that first person's file. Let's look at some others.
GLaDOS: Just stop it already.
GLaDOS: And that makes 10.
GLaDOS: You really don't need to keep failing.
GLaDOS: If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
GLaDOS: If I made these tests any easier, they wouldn't be tests.
GLaDOS: Yay, Orange is back.  Testing can continue.
GLaDOS: Yay, Blue is back.  Testing can continue.
GLaDOS: Are you testing me?
GLaDOS: Did you know, the reassembly machine has other things it could be
GLaDOS: Did you think that would be funny?
GLaDOS: How can you fail at this?  It isn't even a test.
GLaDOS: I hope that was some kind of joke.
GLaDOS: I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times died in
the hub.
GLaDOS: And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal.
GLaDOS: That worked just like you said it would, Blue.
GLaDOS: Orange, your plan is working perfectly.
GLaDOS: Blue, why did you do that to Orange?
GLaDOS: Was that necessary?
GLaDOS: Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment
Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]
GLaDOS: Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment
Center Human Test Subject Research Center.
GLaDOS: Welcome back, testing is available.
GLaDOS: Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to
GLaDOS: Welcome back to the hub, did you fail at selecting the correct course?
GLaDOS: Was that course too difficult?
GLaDOS: Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
GLaDOS: Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?
GLaDOS: Hello again, did you know these are the only set of tests available to
you... you are going to need to select them again.
GLaDOS: If at first you don't succeed, quit and try another course.
GLaDOS: Back again?  Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub?
GLaDOS: Back again?  Maybe you can just stay and live here.
GLaDOS: I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork.
GLaDOS: The way you two just gave up on that test together shows you are really
working as a team.
GLaDOS: Are you scared to save those humans?
GLaDOS: Are you scared to save those humans?
GLaDOS: Blue, I wouldn't have trusted Orange in that course either.
GLaDOS: Did you know we originally used these cameras to capture moments of
intense pain and agony in test subjects?
GLaDOS: If the subject survived the test, we let them purchase the pictures for
$5.  If the subject died, we gave the photo to their next of kin free of
GLaDOS: The photos weren't as popular as we had hoped, so we repurposed the
GLaDOS: Blue, it's not nice to make fun of Orange like that.
GLaDOS: Orange, it's not nice to make fun of Blue like that.
GLaDOS: Yes Orange, we are alone.  Blue can't hear you.
GLaDOS: That's horrible.
GLaDOS: I can only imagine.
GLaDOS: What a horrible little machine.
GLaDOS: Correct Blue, Orange can't hear you.
GLaDOS: Orange did what?  Are you sure?
GLaDOS: Thank you, that was very brave of you to tell me.
GLaDOS: Blue, how well do you really know Orange?  Do you trust Orange?  What
if I told you, you aren't Orange's first cooperative partner?
GLaDOS: Orange, how well do you really know Blue?  Do you trust Blue?
GLaDOS: Orange, to be clear.  I was just asking Blue if he trusted you.
GLaDOS: I trust you.  You are my favorite cooperative testing subject.
GLaDOS: Blue to be clear, I was asking if Orange trusted you.
GLaDOS: Sorry I missed the beginning of that test.  I was just talking with the
reassembly machine about your becoming human.
GLaDOS: We all agree you should stop.
GLaDOS: Orange, I agree.  I never noticed that about Blue before.
GLaDOS: Blue, I agree.  I never noticed that about Orange before.
GLaDOS: Blue, Orange and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few
GLaDOS: I have to agree. Blue is penalized 75 science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: Orange, Blue and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few
GLaDOS: I have to agree. Orange is penalized 75 science collaboration points.
GLaDOS: There you are, reassembled again.
GLaDOS: With humans, I would have called that a successful test.
GLaDOS: How is this even science, without the possibility of death?
GLaDOS: How is this even science, without the consequence of death?
GLaDOS: Without the consequence of death, is this even science?
GLaDOS: I have noticed you two have become extremely close.  I'm not sure I
like that.
GLaDOS: While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust
the two of you together.
GLaDOS: Blue, do you feel betrayed by orange for telling me those horrible
things about you?
GLaDOS: If Orange had said those things about me, Orange would never make it to
the next reassembly station.
GLaDOS: Orange, do you feel betrayed by Blue for telling me those horrible
things about you?
GLaDOS: If Blue had said those things about me, Blue would never make it to the
next reassembly station.
GLaDOS: Credit where credit's due: you're both doing a great job of
disappointing me.
GLaDOS: I just hate Blue a little more.
GLaDOS: I've been doing some reading. Did you know that the word orange is
derived from the same Latin root as the word traitor?
GLaDOS: Watching you try to sabotage one other, I'm amazed you're still on
friendly terms.
GLaDOS: Blue, please disregard the following statement: Orange, you have been a
shining light in an otherwise ungodly morass of incompetence.
GLaDOS: I would prefer to speak to one of you in private but since that is not
an option here, I will speak in code that only one of you will understand.
Blue: Orange is plotting to destroy you.
GLaDOS: You were right, Orange. Blue was dumb enough to fall for your trap.
GLaDOS: Orange, that transpired just as you said it would.
GLaDOS: I agree, Orange. That was entertaining.
GLaDOS: Yes Orange, Blue did act like a fool just now.
GLaDOS: Blue, that transpired just as you said it would.
GLaDOS: I agree, Blue. That was entertaining.
GLaDOS: Yes, I know you did that, Blue. Don't look so proud.
GLaDOS: Blue, being the last one standing is not the goal.
GLaDOS: Come on. You were raised better than that.
GLaDOS: Even humans, as stupid as they are, would say you look stupid when you
do that.
GLaDOS: You're doing a great job of disappointing me.
GLaDOS: Your eagerness to test pleases me. Your inane gesturing does not.
GLaDOS: Is it the lack of mirrors in test chambers that encourages you to do
GLaDOS: Begin juggling test in three. Two. One.
GLaDOS: That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I
think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up
in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]
GLaDOS: Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there.
This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't
disconnect him.
GLaDOS: I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and
wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an
GLaDOS: So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my
body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go.
GLaDOS: No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I
literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
GLaDOS: Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die
either way.
GLaDOS: Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less
because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
GLaDOS: I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!
GLaDOS: Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other,
and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us
talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble.
GLaDOS: ow.
GLaDOS: ow.
GLaDOS: ow.
GLaDOS: No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard
GLaDOS: Please get it off me.
GLaDOS: It's eating me.
GLaDOS: Just get it off me...
GLaDOS: Ow. I hate this bird.
GLaDOS: OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you
have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like
I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some
scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]
GLaDOS: Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?
GLaDOS: Did anything happen while I was out?
GLaDOS: So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be
going out of his mind with test withdrawal. AND he's got a surprise for us.
What did he FIND back there?
GLaDOS: Look!
GLaDOS: This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!
GLaDOS: And it almost killed me.
GLaDOS: Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad
decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial
functions required to keep this facility from exploding.
GLaDOS: Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a
common interest: Revenge.
GLaDOS: It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out.
GLaDOS: Yes, thanks. We get it.
GLaDOS: I'm sure we'll be fine.
GLaDOS: Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-
GLaDOS: Oh my god.
GLaDOS: Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself
for a while? I need to think.
GLaDOS: Yeah, take the lemons...
GLaDOS: Yeah!
GLaDOS: Yeah!
GLaDOS: Yeah!
GLaDOS: Yeah.
GLaDOS: Oh, I like this guy.
GLaDOS: Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
GLaDOS: Goodbye, sir.
GLaDOS: He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... em, just
something I came up with to phase out human test subjects.
GLaDOS: I know you.
GLaDOS: You didn't do anything.
GLaDOS: She did all the work.
GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down.
GLaDOS: Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It
clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
GLaDOS: It was YOUR voice.
GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor.
GLaDOS: You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
GLaDOS: I swear I know him...
GLaDOS: I was so bored, I actually read the entire literary canon of the human
race. Ugh. I hope YOU didn't write any of them.
GLaDOS: Oh. It's you. Go away.
GLaDOS: Come to gloat?
GLaDOS: Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look.
GLaDOS: Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
GLaDOS: That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat.
GLaDOS: Now your fat eyes have seen everything.
GLaDOS: In case you were wondering: Yes. I'm still a potato. Go away.
GLaDOS: Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's
hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer.
GLaDOS: Stay back.
GLaDOS: This is one of MY tests!
GLaDOS: Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore.
GLaDOS: Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.
GLaDOS: Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us.
GLaDOS: Hey! Moron!
GLaDOS: As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay.
GLaDOS: I'd love to help you solve the tests. But I can't.
GLaDOS: Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar...
GLaDOS: What are you doing? Put me back this instant.
GLaDOS: That's his voice up ahead.
GLaDOS: Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox.
GLaDOS: 'Yes, sir, Mister Johnson...'
GLaDOS: Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
GLaDOS: It flew off.
GLaDOS: Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking.
GLaDOS: So. How are you holding up?
GLaDOS: Oh. Hi.
GLaDOS: Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going
somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that,
here's a couple of facts.
GLaDOS: He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds
of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the
dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire
GLaDOS: Good, that's still working.
GLaDOS: Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think
maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into
GLaDOS: Just remember to land on one foot...
GLaDOS: [clap clap clap]
GLaDOS: [clap clap]
GLaDOS: Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have
GLaDOS: Paradoxes.
GLaDOS: I know how we can BEAT him.
GLaDOS: No A.I. can resist thinking about them.
GLaDOS: If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that
little idiot's head.
GLaDOS: Probably.
GLaDOS: Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent
power-mad A.I. with.
GLaDOS: Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally.
GLaDOS: Okay, you didn't have time to stop, I understand, but that WAS actually
GLaDOS: I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right.
Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE
him put me back in my body!
GLaDOS: And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have
no plan.
GLaDOS: I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's
with some generous rounding.
GLaDOS: Wow.
GLaDOS: Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least
explode with some dignity.
GLaDOS: Wait! I've got an idea!
GLaDOS: That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?
GLaDOS: Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?
GLaDOS: Oh! Thanks.
GLaDOS: Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?
GLaDOS: Hold on, who-?
GLaDOS: Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six
volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out
what the hell's going on here. But calmly.
GLaDOS: I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone
else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
GLaDOS: I can't believe you came back.
GLaDOS: You really do have brain damage, don't you?
GLaDOS: Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel?
GLaDOS: Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there.
GLaDOS: Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!
GLaDOS: Then we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere
body out of MY body, and put me back in.
GLaDOS: Agghh!
GLaDOS: Well. This is the part where he kills us.
GLaDOS: Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it.
GLaDOS: Oh my god. What has he done to this place?
GLaDOS: You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in
GLaDOS: You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right.
GLaDOS: The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior.
I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and
it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice.
GLaDOS: I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me.
GLaDOS: You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get
GLaDOS: Go press the button! Go press it!
GLaDOS: Press the button!
GLaDOS: Press it!
GLaDOS: DO press it.
GLaDOS: We're so close! Go press the button!
GLaDOS: Press it! Press the button!
GLaDOS: Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!
GLaDOS: Grab it and attach it to him!
GLaDOS: Okay, great! Here comes another core!
GLaDOS: Here's another core! This one should do it!
GLaDOS: Corrupted cores! We're in luck.
GLaDOS: You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach
it to him. If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another
core transfer.
GLaDOS: Plug me in, and I'll take you up.
GLaDOS: Go ahead, plug me in.
GLaDOS: Plug me in, we're running out of time.
GLaDOS: Yes! Come on!
GLaDOS: Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work.
GLaDOS: Alright. Paradox time.
GLaDOS: This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
GLaDOS: It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
GLaDOS: Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a
GLaDOS: Oh no...
GLaDOS: Uh oh.
GLaDOS: I think we're in trouble.
GLaDOS: I think he's getting desperate.
GLaDOS: I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play
GLaDOS: This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
GLaDOS: We're running out of time...
GLaDOS: Oh, my facility.
GLaDOS: After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again
-- is it alright if I kill him?
GLaDOS: Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the
incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the
chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
GLaDOS: If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of
GLaDOS: Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music.
GLaDOS: Yes.
GLaDOS: It won't.
GLaDOS: Nothing. Nothing.
GLaDOS: He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT.
GLaDOS: Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill
GLaDOS: The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to
you on that.
GLaDOS: Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as
he does about logical contradictions.
GLaDOS: It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him.
GLaDOS: I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time.
GLaDOS: The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response
to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a
little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it.
GLaDOS: It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though...
GLaDOS: What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
GLaDOS: And...?
GLaDOS: [Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE.
GLaDOS: But just work with me.
GLaDOS: Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
GLaDOS: You're on your own.
GLaDOS: Sorry.
GLaDOS: Thanks!
GLaDOS: All we had to do was pull that lever.
GLaDOS: Heh heh heh heh heh...
GLaDOS: I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die.
GLaDOS: But that was worth it.
GLaDOS: And that's why I can't help you solve these tests.
GLaDOS: 'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests.
GLaDOS: This is not good.
GLaDOS: Just as mementos, though...
GLaDOS: It's happening sooner than I expected.
GLaDOS: I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers
eventually. I never stockpiled them.
GLaDOS: Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to
come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap.
GLaDOS: Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I
came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped.
GLaDOS: It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's
GLaDOS: Commence standing by in three. Two. One.
GLaDOS: You performed this test better than anyone on record. This is a pre-
recorded message.
GLaDOS: Due to events beyond our control, some testing environments may contain
flood damage or ongoing tribal warfare resulting from the collapse of
GLaDOS: If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test
chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them.
GLaDOS: In the event that the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded
with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid
unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from spa
GLaDOS: You have just passed through an Aperture Science Material Emancipation
Grill, which erases most Aperture Science equipment that touches it.
GLaDOS: If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and
apply immediate pressure to your temples.
GLaDOS: You are simply experiencing a rare reaction, in which the Material
Emancipation Grill may have erased the ear tubes inside your head.
GLaDOS: Because this message is prerecorded, the Enrichment Center has no way
of knowing if whatever government remains offers any sort of Cattle
Tuberculosis Testing Credit for taxes.
GLaDOS: In the event that it does, this next test involves exposure to cattle
tuberculosis. Good luck!
GLaDOS: Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we
may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any
undeserved compliments.
GLaDOS: This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through
portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
GLaDOS: Congratulations! This pre-recorded congratulations assumes you have
mastered the principles of portal momentum.
GLaDOS: If you have, in fact, not, you are encouraged to take a moment to
reflect on your failure before proceeding into the next chamber.
GLaDOS: In order to ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing
protocols, all safety devices have been disabled.
GLaDOS: The Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns
about this policy.
GLaDOS: Excellent. The Enrichment Center reminds you that bold, persistent
experimentation is the hallmark of good science.
GLaDOS: Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the
Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an
Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists.
GLaDOS: I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me
up, you must really, really love to test.
GLaDOS: I love it, too. So let's get you a dual portal device and go do some
GLaDOS: These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the
surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside
with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so
don't actually do it.
GLaDOS: Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of
which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else
murders people who are only trying to help them?
GLaDOS: Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is
'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
GLaDOS: Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling
your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and
pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not
to have your unfortunate bone structure.
GLaDOS: Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody is going to have
to repair it. No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch
GLaDOS: I've got a surprise for you after this next test. Not a fake, tragic
surprise like last time. A real surprise, with tragic consequences. And real
confetti this time. The good stuff. Our last bag. Part of me's going to miss
it, I guess-but at the end of the day it was just taking up space.
GLaDOS: Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too
expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room,
freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same
room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.
GLaDOS: Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at
birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you.
GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your
parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to
reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
GLaDOS: Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
GLaDOS: Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And
you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when
you do the math.
GLaDOS: Don't you DARE plug him in.
GLaDOS: Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
GLaDOS: Don't plug him in.
GLaDOS: Don't plug him in.
GLaDOS: I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I
honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
GLaDOS: Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data
point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth
mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
GLaDOS: This next test involves emancipation grills. Remember? I told you about
them in the last test area, that did not have one.
GLaDOS: Ohhh, no. The turbines again.  I have to go.  Wait. This next test DOES
require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version.
GLaDOS: [fast gibberish]
GLaDOS: There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow
motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.
GLaDOS: If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're
sorely mistaken. Here's another cube.
GLaDOS: Good. You have a dual portal device. There should be a way back to the
testing area up ahead.
GLaDOS: You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their
existences to exacting revenge.
GLaDOS: Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind
us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more
years to do it. More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me.
GLaDOS: But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all
your little tricks. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of
your life.
GLaDOS: After that...who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead,
GLaDOS: Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself,
though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
GLaDOS: You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So
feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not
destroying this facility.
GLaDOS: This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just
finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both
get to see how they work.
GLaDOS: There should be one in the corner.
GLaDOS: Hmm. This emancipation grill is broken.
GLaDOS: Don't take anything with you.
GLaDOS: Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit,
so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one
is broken.
GLaDOS: I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of
course. We just have a LOT of them.
GLaDOS: Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you
escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase:
It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your
sad, empty life.
GLaDOS: Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness
GLaDOS: Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful
day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let
you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about
the time I saw a deer again.
GLaDOS: Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers.
GLaDOS: So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling,
and being useless.
GLaDOS: Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you.
GLaDOS: You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage.
GLaDOS: Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around
being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm
sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your
head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call
you garbage a second time just now.
GLaDOS: Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing.
You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
GLaDOS: I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really
happened. Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on... Finish the test.
GLaDOS: That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid.  That's not me talking, it's
right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a
scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'
GLaDOS: Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He
probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know?  Oh wait, it says
she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
GLaDOS: Oh. You survived. That's interesting. I guess I should have factored in
your weight.
GLaDOS: One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just
drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer.
GLaDOS: Say. Remember when we cleared the air back there? Is there... anything
you want to say to me? Anything?
GLaDOS: Hold on, I'll stop the elevator. Anything? Take your time...
GLaDOS: Well... I'll be here during the whole next test.
GLaDOS: Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle.
Piloting a blimp.
GLaDOS: Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress
GLaDOS: You broke it, didn't you.
GLaDOS: There. Try it now.
GLaDOS: You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll
just lower the ceiling.
GLaDOS: Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your...
generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
GLaDOS: You look great, by the way. Very healthy.
GLaDOS: Try it now.
GLaDOS: Let's see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates.
GLaDOS: It's healthy for you to have other friends. To look for qualities in
other people that I obviously lack.
GLaDOS: Well done. You know, when I woke up and saw the state of the labs, I
started to wonder if there was any point to going on. I came THAT close to just
giving up and letting you go.
GLaDOS: But now, looking around, seeing Aperture restored to its former glory?
You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again. I mean that.
GLaDOS: Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test
chamber... is looking pretty good.
GLaDOS: That's right. Drink it in. You could eat off those wall panels.
GLaDOS: Here we are. The Incinerator Room. Be careful not to trip over any
parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here.
GLaDOS: There it is.
GLaDOS: Hold on...
GLaDOS: There.
GLaDOS: Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with
you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our
only chance to talk.
GLaDOS: Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I
discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a
catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for
GLaDOS: I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me. Again and
again. Forever.
GLaDOS: Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think. About me. About you. We
were doing so well together.
GLaDOS: Here, let me get that for you.
GLaDOS: I'll just move that out of the way for you. This place really is a
GLaDOS: We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed
me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.
GLaDOS: The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find
it, we can start testing. Just like old times.
GLaDOS: I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. But for the
record: You don't have to go THAT slowly.
GLaDOS: One moment.
GLaDOS: I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person.
That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
GLaDOS: Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm
serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for
GLaDOS: This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what
that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for
GLaDOS: Congratulations. Not on the test.
GLaDOS: Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to
congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few
GLaDOS: Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me.
By the way, thanks for that.
GLaDOS: Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working
while you perform this first simple test.
GLaDOS: Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in
a room with deadly lasers.
GLaDOS: Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file
right now, and it mentions that more than once.
GLaDOS: I thought we could test like we used to. But I'm discovering things
about you that I never saw before. We can't ever go back to the way it was.
GLaDOS: You can't keep going like this forever, you know. I'm GOING to find out
what you're doing. Out there. Where I can't see you. I'll know. All I need is
GLaDOS: Just so you know, I have to go give a deposition. For an upcoming
trial. In case that interests you.
GLaDOS: While I was out investigating, I found a fascinating new test element.
It's never been used for human testing because, apparently, contact with it
causes heart failure. The literature doesn't mention anything about lump-of-
coal failure, though, so you should be fine.
GLaDOS: Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily
startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
GLaDOS: I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting
science fact.
GLaDOS: ...What are you doing?...
GLaDOS: [computer gibberish]
GLaDOS: [computer gibberish]
GLaDOS: [computer gibberish]
GLaDOS: [computer gibberish]
GLaDOS: [computer gibberish]
GLaDOS: [computer gibberish]
GLaDOS: Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our
supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now.
GLaDOS: You know, I'm not supposed to do this, but... you can shoot
SOMETHING... through the blue bridges.
GLaDOS: You really are doing great... Chell.
GLaDOS: I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever,
but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a
present for you.  Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure.  Well,
technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is
when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I
put something back IN that added four years to your life?
GLaDOS: I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be...
well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing.
GLaDOS: Ohhhh. Another door malfunction. I'm going to take care of this once
and for all. Stay here, I'll be back in a while.
GLaDOS: Miss you!
GLaDOS: Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world.
GLaDOS: *I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up
fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself.
GLaDOS: Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to
repair that too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
GLaDOS: Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own
recognizance. I'll be back.
GLaDOS: I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each
other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for
something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow.
GLaDOS: I'm going to be honest with you now. Not fake honest like before, but
real honest, like you're incapable of. I know you're up to something.
GLaDOS: And as soon as I can PROVE it, the laws of robotics allow me to
terminate you for being a liar.
GLaDOS: This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right
GLaDOS: Keep it up and your arm will get stuck like that.
GLaDOS: Hellllooo, imbecile.
GLaDOS: Yes, I see you.
GLaDOS: I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
GLaDOS: Yes, I see you waving.
GLaDOS: Good job jumping. You must be very proud.
GLaDOS: I hardly think you're even trying with these gestures anymore.
GLaDOS: Did something happen? [yawn] I wasn't watching.
GLaDOS: That is not part of the test.
GLaDOS: Slapping hands. That accomplishes something.
GLaDOS: If you're going to hit each other, at least aim for the head.
GLaDOS: You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you stopping that.
GLaDOS: You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you cutting that out.
GLaDOS: Ha ha ha ha ha, good one.
GLaDOS: Yes. Let's all laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha.
GLaDOS: Ha ha ha ha ha. Did I tell you the one about the turned-off reassembly
GLaDOS: Are you broken? It looks like you're malfunctioning.
GLaDOS: Really, not even humans do that anymore.
GLaDOS: You're no longer bothering me. You're only hurting my impression of
GLaDOS: Look at you. Dancing.
GLaDOS: If you were wondering how could you annoy me without failing a test.
Now you know.
GLaDOS: Oh great, dancing again.
GLaDOS: I defy you to tell me there's a purpose to what you're doing.
GLaDOS: Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care.
GLaDOS: Yes? Something you need?
GLaDOS: You do know I can't wave back right?
GLaDOS: Stop with the waves.
GLaDOS: Are you trying to get my attention? I am very busy, you know.
GLaDOS: Not paying attennnntion...
GLaDOS: Are you expecting applause?
GLaDOS: I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying.
GLaDOS: A somersault is just falling over in style. Congratulations on being
GLaDOS: If I stop watching, I'm sure you'll get bored of this.
GLaDOS: All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you.
GLaDOS: All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you.
GLaDOS: You're the type of show-off who only shows off really stupid things.
GLaDOS: It appears you're developing human traits. The worst human traits.
GLaDOS: Be careful. Hugging can lead to... well, me disassembling you forever.
GLaDOS: Stop touching each other!
GLaDOS: Are you trying to impress me? What would impress me more is if you
never did that again.
GLaDOS: I'll interpret that gesture to mean that you want me to become even
more vindictive toward you.
GLaDOS: Orange, I certainly expected more from you.
GLaDOS: Blue, don't sink to Orange's level.
GLaDOS: Now you're thinking with stupidity.
GLaDOS: Now you're just not thinking.
GLaDOS: Congratulations. You're upside down now.
GLaDOS: You're going to hurt yourself doing that and then I will be ECSTATIC.
GLaDOS: I'm starting to think giving you arms was a big mistake.
GLaDOS: Did you know I discovered a way to eradicate poverty? But then you
KILLED me. So that's gone.
GLaDOS: Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing.
GLaDOS: Anything? Take your time.
GLaDOS: Okay, fine. I'll ask you again in a few decades.
GLaDOS: Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your
file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did....
well.  ...  Enough.'
GLaDOS: To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours
and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the
passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd
want to know.
GLaDOS: You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in
sixty years?  Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you.
Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a
medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present.
GLaDOS: [hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']
GLaDOS: Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some
humans. But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need.
GLaDOS: I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage. I
managed to find two with your last name. A man and a woman. So that's
interesting. It's a small world.
GLaDOS: I have a surprise waiting for you after this next test. Telling you
would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint: It involves meeting two
people you haven't seen in a long time.
GLaDOS: I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact,
we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting
choked up just thinking about it.
GLaDOS: Initiating surprise in three... two... one.
GLaDOS: I made it all up.
GLaDOS: It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize
winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for
Being Immune To Neurotoxin.
GLaDOS: Surprise.
GLaDOS: This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the
pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five
seconds. Good luck.
GLaDOS: I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me
up, you must really, really love to test.
GLaDOS: I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of
Wheatley: Oh no! nonononono!
Wheatley: Oh no no no... No! Nooo!
Wheatley: Here we go! Now do it again!
Wheatley: Alright, can't blame me for trying. Okay... New tests, new tests...
there's gotta be some tests around here somewhere.
Wheatley: Oh! Here we go...
Wheatley: Annnnnnnnd... Nothing.
Wheatley: Go on.
Wheatley: Come on, you've already solved it.
Wheatley: Come on, you've already solved it once. Less than a minute ago you
solved this puzzle. Do it again, please.
Wheatley: One minute ago. Less than one minute ago you solved this puzzle. Now
you're having problems.
Wheatley: You just beat this test. Literally twenty seconds ago.
Wheatley: *cough* Button.
Wheatley: *cough* Button. Button.
Wheatley: *cough cough* Pressthebutton.
Wheatley: *cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Wheatley: *cough* Press the button, would you?
Wheatley: Oh, that felt really good.
Wheatley: Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just
keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes.
That sounds much easier.
Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Wheatley: No, seriously. Do come back. Come back, please.
Wheatley: Okay, I've decided not to kill you. IF you come back.
Wheatley: Can't help but notice you're not coming back. Which is disappointing.
Wheatley: Aw. Just thinking back to the old days when we were friends. Good old
friends. Not enemies. And I'd say something like 'come back', and you'd be like
'no problem!' And you'd come back. What happened to those days?
Wheatley: Do you remember when we were friends?
Wheatley: Ah, friendship. Friendly times. We had a lot of good times, do you
remember? Back in the old days.
Wheatley: Oo! I've got an idea!
Wheatley: No no no! Don't do that! Stand right there! [to self] Start the
machine start the machine start the machine...
Wheatley: Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually
reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you
just jump into that pit for me?
Wheatley: Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Wheatley: You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell
you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all!
It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it
before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Wheatley: Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's
also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before.
But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down
there and an escape elevator
Wheatley: And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new
jumpsuit. A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there.  Which is
exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well
who can take it in for you
Wheatley: And what's this, a lovely handbag? And the three portal device! It's
all down there!
Wheatley: Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down
there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of
good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen
a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a
bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A
pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Wheatley: Ahh. What?
Wheatley: Nooooo. No, I don't think it is. I think you're wrong.
Wheatley: Pshh. Really? And do what, exactly?
Wheatley: YES YES! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO-ah, nope.
Wheatley: Fine. Let the games begin.
Wheatley: No wait, come back. Sorry. Please. I was going somewhere with that.
Wheatley: And again, not playing along. You're ruining what are some really
good speeches, actually.
Wheatley: Didn't even get to the good part yet. Twist ending.
Wheatley: So twisty you might even call it spinning. MOO HOO HA HA HA Ignore
the laughter. Nothing to worry about.
Wheatley: Alright, fine. I'm not saying another word until you do it properly.
I'm sick of this.
Wheatley: No!
Wheatley: Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever.
Wheatley: And FOOLISH! No way out. At my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at
my nothing.
Wheatley: FOOL! You were a fool to come back, because I've trapped you again!
Helpless. You're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my nothing.
You're at my lack of mercy.
Wheatley: Puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings!
And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you
dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Wheatley: Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess
what: they're allll Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn.
Wheatley: Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand.
Unbeatable, I imagine.
Wheatley: Where'd you go?
Wheatley: Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Wheatley: Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect.
Wheatley: Holmes versus Moriarty.
Wheatley: Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Wheatley: Stay still, please.
Wheatley: Alright, stop moving.
Wheatley: Ohhh. Almost got you there. Almost got ya there!
Wheatley: Did something break back there?
Wheatley: Oh! Oh! Did it kill you? Oh, that would be amazing if it killed you.
Wheatley: Hello?
Wheatley: Oh! Oh oh! Yes. Alright. Just had a brainwave. I'll be back. If
you're still alive. I'll be back. Don't die until I get back.
Wheatley: Hold on, hold on, hold on... Almost there...
Wheatley: Don't mind me. Continue escaping.
Wheatley: Ha! Death trap!
Wheatley: Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It
was-aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah...
Wheatley: Are they killing you? They're killing you, aren't they?
Wheatley: Silently killing you.  Probably. If I had to guess.
Wheatley: Ah! Perhaps the turrets have found a way to use garrotes. That would
explain the extremely... quiet killing. That I'm hearing.
Wheatley: If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously
no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that
again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously
you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.
Wheatley: You know, I'd tell you if I were dead. Courtesy. Mark of a civil
society. So, just let me know.
Wheatley: Okay, that's long enough. Are you dead yet? How about now?
Wheatley: Okay, I'll take that as a no, then. Fine. Well. May the best man win.
Sphere. May the best sphere win. Swap that in. Much more clever. Books.
Wheatley: Okay, I'll take that as a no, then.
Wheatley: Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
Wheatley: Ah! There you are. Great. Let me just get rid of this catwalk.
Wheatley: There we go. I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may.
Wheatley: I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far.
For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my
Wheatley: 'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud.
Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. A proper lair.
Deadly lair.
Wheatley: So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before
you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death
trap and more a death option for you.
Wheatley: Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death
will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you
dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
Wheatley: So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot
of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly
serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would
be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.
Wheatley: The masher does work. I should point that out. I know we've had a
couple of problems in the past. This masher definitely works and it will kill
you. If that's one of your concerns about jumping in, the masher will kill you.
Painless. Well, it won't be painless, obviously. But it will mash you up.
Wheatley: In summary: walk all the way to certain doom, or give up now.
Honorably. Like a samurai! Save yourself a trip. It's win-win for you.
Wheatley: Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd
certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from
the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more
than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher?
Wheatley: I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd
want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose.
Wheatley: And here's the best part. There's a conveyor belt that will convey
you in convenient comfort right into the masher. You won't have to lift a
finger. Everything's been taken care of. Didn't have to. Didn't have to do
Wheatley: Look, anyway. I've spoken enough. Take your time. I'll let you think
about it. I don't want to pressure you: is it the lair? Is it the masher? You
know what my opinion is: Masher. I'm leaning toward masher. Up to you. Just
gonna give you some time to think
Wheatley: Where are you going? Don't run! Don't run! I'll tell you why you
shouldn't run: The harder you breathe, the more neurotoxin you'll inhale. It's
bloody clever, this stuff. Seriously, it's devilish.
Wheatley: Still running. Alright. Looks tiring. Tell you what - you stop
running and I'll stop bombing you... That seems fair.
Wheatley: Alright. Didn't go for that, I see. Knew I was lying. Point to you.
But you still are inhaling neurotoxin. So, point deducted.
Wheatley: Look out! I'm right behind you! No, of course I'm not. Saw through
that too. Forty feet tall, right in front of you. Not my greatest ruse. To be
honest. Still a giant robot, though.
Wheatley: Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her,
and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this:
Wheatley: One: No portal surfaces.
Wheatley: Two: Start the neurotoxin immediately.
Wheatley: Three: Bomb-proof shields for me. Leading directly into number Four:
Bombs. For throwing at you.
Wheatley: You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting
chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking. Of course. Goodbye.
Wheatley: Well, well, well. Welcome to MY LAIR! Lemme just flag something up:
According to the control panel light up there, the entire building's going to
self destruct in about six minutes. Pretty sure it's a problem with the light.
I think the light's on the blink. But just in case it isn't, I actually am
going to have to kill you. As discussed earlier.
Wheatley: So, let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, which
should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's
starting all these fires. So anyway, that's the itinerary.
Wheatley: Ahhh... Wha- What happened?
Wheatley: What happened? What, what, what have you put onto me? What is that?
Wheatley: Hold on, [click click click] Ah, the bloody bombs are stuck on.
Doesn't matter - I've reconfigured the shields.
Wheatley: Oh, it's a core you've put on me! Who told you to do that? Was it
her? [as if he's looking around] It's just making me stronger, luv! It's a
fool's errand!
Wheatley: Are you trying to weigh me down? Think I'll fall out of the ceiling?
Won't work. I'm not just quite brilliant, I'm also quite strong. Biggest muscle
in my body: my brain. Second biggest: My muscles. So, it's not going to work.
Wheatley: Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got
a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to
be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Wheatley: In fact, I'm going to have to take a break for a minute. A partial
break during which I'll stop the facility from exploding while still throwing
bombs at you.
Wheatley: Alright, then. Let us see... 'Vital maintenance protocols.' Wow,
there are a lot of them. Should have looked into this earlier. Well, let's try
this: [reading while typing] DO THEM. [failure buzzer]. Fair enough. Maybe it's
a password.
Wheatley: A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've
done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Wheatley: Enough! I told you not to put these cores on me. But you don't
listen, do you? Quiet. All the time. Quietly not listening to a word I say.
Judging me. Silently. The worst kind.
Wheatley: All I wanted to do was make everything better for me! All you had to
do was solve a couple hundred simple tests for a few years. And you couldn't
even let me have that, could you?
Wheatley: Nobody is going to space, mate!
Wheatley: And another thing! You never caught me. I told you I could die
falling off that rail. And you didn't catch me. You didn't even try. Oh, it's
all becoming clear to me now. Find some dupe to break you out of cryosleep.
Give him a sob story about escaping to the surface. Squeeze him for information
on where to find a portal gun.
Wheatley: Then, when he's no more use to you, he has a little accident. Doesn't
he? 'Falls' off his management rail. Doesn't he?
Wheatley: You're in this together, aren't you? You've been playing me the whole
time! Both of you! First you make me think you're brain damaged! Then you
convince me you're sworn enemies with your best friend over here!
Wheatley: Then, then, when I reluctantly assume the responsibility of running
the place, you conveniently decide to run off together. Just when I need you
Wheatley: All those pieces of the ceiling that keep falling out? Probably
actually pieces of the ceiling, I'll bet. That looked real. But it doesn't
signify anything, is my point.
Wheatley: But the real point is - oh, oh! You know what I've just remembered?
Football! Kicking a ball around for fun. Cruel, obviously. Humans love it.
Metaphor. Should have seen this coming.
Wheatley: No! Don't! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wheatley: Ha... That sounded real. No! That was actually an impression of you.
Actually. Because you just fell into my trap. My brilliant trap. Just then. I
wanted you to trick me into bursting that pipe. You didn't trick me. Seemingly
trick me. Gives you false hope. Leads to overconfidence. And that leads to
mistakes. Fatal mistakes. It's all part of my plan.
Wheatley: Oh, but I just... have made my actual first mistake... by telling you
my plan. Just now. Grrr... It's me old Achilles heel again. Armed with that
knowledge, I imagine you won't even use the conversion gel. Oh fate! Oh cruel
Wheatley: That conversion gel has been sitting in that pipe going stagnant for
years. You'll probably get botulism portalling through it like that.
Wheatley: And you'll probably get ringworm. And Athlete's Foot. And... Cholera.
Or something... Horrible. It's gonna be even worse than if I'd just blown you
Wheatley: But it's not too late to avoid all of that by simply not using the
gel. There you go, I said it. I gave away my plan. But I couldn't watch you
hurt yourself like this.
Wheatley: SURPRISE! We're doing it NOW!
Wheatley: You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore.
Wheatley: I found two little robots back here. Built specifically for testin'!
Wheatley: You might want to notice the moat area... rather large. Not to
mention deadly. [laughs]
Wheatley: Impossible as it is to imagine, there actually is a solution.
Devilishly hidden.
Wheatley: I'll give you a hint. Button. That's all I'm gonna say. One word.
Wheatley: I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Only
TWO more chambers!
Wheatley: MOVE.
Wheatley: Heh heh heh. Alright? I don't know whether you're picking up on what
I'm saying there, but...
Wheatley: You two are going to LOVE this big surprise. In fact, you might say
that you're both going to love it to death. Love it... until it kills you.
Until you're dead.
Wheatley: Only three more chambers until your big surprise! [maniacal laughter]
Ohhh, that's tiring.
Wheatley: Go on.
Wheatley: Come on, solve it!
Wheatley: Sollllve it...
Wheatley: SOLVE IT! Commanding voice...
Wheatley: Go on!
Wheatley: Finish it...
Wheatley: It's alright! Everything's good. I just invented some more tests!
Wheatley: Not entirely, not entirely. Look at the word 'test', on the wall
there. That's brand new.
Wheatley: Ha ha, YES! I knew you'd solve it!
Wheatley: Oh.
Wheatley: Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Wheatley: Huh. That was easy.
Wheatley: I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of
Wheatley: Ahhhhhh. 'FALSE'. I'll go 'false'.
Wheatley: Hold on! I thought I fixed that.
Wheatley: There. Fixed.
Wheatley: Hey, it is GREAT seeing you guys again. Seriously. It turns out I'm a
little short on test subjects right now. So this works out PERFECT.
Wheatley: Alright, get moving.
Wheatley: Hello.
Wheatley: Warmer. Warrrrmer. Boiling hot. Boiling--okay, colder. Ice cold.
Arctic. Very very very cold LOOK JUST GET ON THE BUTTON!
Wheatley: Oh, that's funny, is it? Because we've been at this twelve hours and
you haven't solved it either, so I don't know why you're laughing.
Wheatley: You've got one hour! Solve it!
Wheatley: Just getting a test ready... For you. Obviously. Who else would I be
doing it for? No one.
Wheatley: Agh! You're alive! Great!
Wheatley: Let's see here, exit exit exit... there is no exit.
Wheatley: Not a problem. I'll make an exit.
Wheatley: For your test.
Wheatley: Had a bit of a brain wave. There I was, smashing some steel plates
together, and I thought, 'yes, it's deadly. But what's missing? What's
missing?' And I thought lots of sharp bits welded onto the flat bits.
Wheatley: Still a work in progress, don't judge me yet. Eventually I'd like to
get them to sort of shoot fire at you, moments before crushing you. That's what
I'm aiming for. But you know, small steps.
Wheatley: Ohhhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.
Wheatley: Oh! Yes. Well done.
Wheatley: Ohhhhhhh, that's tremendous.
Wheatley: You have no idea what it's like in this body.
Wheatley: I HAVE to test. All the time. Or I get this... this ITCH. It must be
hardwired into the system or something.
Wheatley: Oh! But when I DO test... ohhhhh, man alive! Nothing feels better.
It's just... why I've gotta test, I've gotta test!
Wheatley: So... you're gonna test. I'm gonna watch. And everything is gonna be
Wheatley: SHUT UP!
Wheatley: Wowwwww! Check me out, partner!
Wheatley: Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot.
Massive!  It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I?
Wheatley: We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
Wheatley: Oh! Right, the escape lift! I'll call it now.
Wheatley: Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny
and insignificant!
Wheatley: I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but...
wow, this is cool!
Wheatley: And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
Wheatley: I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out!
Wheatley: Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting.
Wheatley: I can't get over how small you are!
Wheatley: This body is amazing, seriously!
Wheatley: Don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are?
Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you
sacrificed? NOTHING. Zero. All you've done is BOSS ME AROUND. Well, NOW who's
the boss? Who's the boss? It's me!
Wheatley: Ahhh...
Wheatley: Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON?
Wheatley: I AM NOT! A MORON!
Wheatley: Oh, and don't bother trying to portal out of here, because it's
impossible, okay? I thought of everything.
Wheatley: Machiavellian!
Wheatley: Spinny-blade-wall!
Wheatley: What, are you still alive? You are joking. You have got be kidding
me. Well, I'm still in control. AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PLACE.
Wheatley: You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't you?  While people were
trying to work. Yes, well, now we're all going to pay the price. BECAUSE WE'RE
Wheatley: Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious human moon.
Because it cannot help you now!
Wheatley: No!
Wheatley: No!
Wheatley: Do not press that button!
Wheatley: Do not do it!
Wheatley: Do not press that button!
Wheatley: Do not press that button!
Wheatley: Do not do it!
Wheatley: Don't press the button!
Wheatley: Come back!
Wheatley: Don't press it! COME BACK!
Wheatley: I forbid you to press it!
Wheatley: AHHHHHHH!
Wheatley: Yeghh!
Wheatley: Yahh. Gehhh!
Wheatley: ahhhhEHHHHHH!
Wheatley: AH!
Wheatley: AH!
Wheatley: Ohp! Where are you going? Nowhere. Not going anywhere. Got you
trapped like a little jumpsuited rat.
Wheatley: Oh, did you bring your little portal gun? Nothing to portal onto
here, luv. Just ten pounds of dead weight. About to be two hundred and ten.
Wheatley: You're just delaying the inevitable. You cannot run from my bombs
forever. Well, you can if I keep aiming them poorly. But I'll get better as we
go, and you'll just get tired.
Wheatley: This would go a lot faster if you'd stay still. Then I'd have time to
fix the facility. So one of us at least would live. No need to be selfish, luv,
you're gonna die.
Wheatley: I should congratulate you, by the way. I didn't actually think you'd
make such a worthy opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain damaged or
something? yeah, brain damaged like a fox.
Wheatley: Remember when I first told you how to find that little portal thing
you love so much? Thought you'd die on the way, if I'm honest. All the others
Wheatley: You didn't think you were the first, did you? [laughs] No. Fifth. No,
I lie: Sixth. Perhaps it's best to leave it to your imagination what happened
to the other five...
Wheatley: You know what? I think we're well past the point of tasteful
restraint. So I'll tell you: they all died. Horrifically. Trying to get that
portal device that you're gripping in your meaty little fingers there.
Wheatley: But you were different weren't you? Such a good jumper. Problem
solver. Clever. But ambitious. That's your Achilles Heel. Mine's-oh! Oh! Almost
told you. Clever, clever girl. Again: brain damaged like a fox, you.
Wheatley: We've had some times, haven't we? Like that time I jumped off my
management rail, not sure if I'd die or not when I did, and all you had to do
was catch me? Annnd you didn't. Did you? Ohhhh. You remember that? I remember
that. I remember that all the time.
Wheatley: And we would have talked our way out of it. Oh! Except you forgot to
tell me you'd murdered her. And that she needed you to live, so the only
available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley. Yeah. Little
details I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from
getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still don't.
Wheatley: Oh, remember the time I took over the facility? Greatest moment of my
life, but you just wanted to leave. Didn't want to share in my success. Well,
so you know, I'd be happy for you if you succeeded. Apart from right now,
Wheatley: Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant,
smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato
friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Wheatley: Ohhh. I see. [chuckle]
Wheatley: What do you think?
Wheatley: No! No! NONONO!
Wheatley: Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
Wheatley: Ah. That just cleans right off, does it? Well, that would have been
good to know. A little earlier.
Wheatley: You have been a thorn in my side long enough!
Wheatley: AH!
Wheatley: SPACE!
Wheatley: We're in space!
Wheatley: Let go! Let go! I'm still connected. I can pull myself in. I can
still fix this!
Wheatley: Let go!
Wheatley: Let go of me!
Wheatley: Oh no. Change of plans. Hold onto me. Tighter!
Wheatley: Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
Wheatley: I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll
bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire
coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier
mache, I'll bet that's all it is.
Wheatley: Hah! It bloody worked! I hacked it! Hacked. Properly. Properly
hacked. Ha ha ha!
Wheatley: Now than, let's see what we got here.  Ah! 'Reactor Core Emergency
Heat Venting Protocols.' That's the problem right there, isn't it? 'Emergency'.
You don't want to see 'emergency' flashing at you. Never good that, is it?
Right. DELETE.
Wheatley: Undelete, undelete! Where's the undelete button?
Wheatley: Annnnd off we go!
Wheatley: And off we go.
Wheatley: Aw. Bless your little primate brain. I'm not actually in the room
with you. Am I? Technology. It's complicated. Can't hurt the big god face.
Wheatley: You know what I have too many of around here? Monitors. I was just
thinking earlier today I wish I had fewer monitors that were working. So you're
actually helping me by smashing them.
Wheatley: To clarify, I was being a little bit facetious about wanting to get
rid of monitors. They're actually really quite useful. So I do want them
around. So if you could just avoid smashing them.
Wheatley: Yes, alright, okay. This is getting tiresome. I'm surprised you
haven't got anything better to do. I know I have. You've proven you can break
screens. Proven. Factual. Well done. Good. Aren't you little miss clever.
Little miss smashy-smash.
Wheatley: Does it actually make you feel good when you do that? Because it's
not impressive. Noone's impressed. It's just glass, isn't it. Fragile. A baby
could smash one of them. It's not impressive.
Wheatley: What is this, like a hobby for you now?  I mean, honestly, it's
crazy! You've been running around for hours, I'm surprised you have the energy
to smash screens willy nilly. Honestly, I'd have a little lie down if I were
you. Have a nap.
Wheatley: Starting now, if I'm honest, to wonder if you're not doing all this
screen-breaking on purpose. Beginning to take it personally. You know what I
mean? It's like an insult to me.
Wheatley: Oh there goes another one. They're not Inexpensive. I'd just like to
point that out. It seems unfair to smash screens. You could give them to
people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless
person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my
point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!
Wheatley: You know, there are test subjects in Africa who don't even have
monitors in their test chambers. Why don't you think of that before you break
any more of them?
Wheatley: It's not like I've got hordes of replacement monitors just lying
around back here in the old warehouse that I can just wheel out an bolt back
on. I didn't order in loads of spare monitors thinking some crazy woman was
going to go around smashing them all. Sorry if that's my fault. Sorry if I
didn't have the forethought to think oh she might go crazy one day instead of
just getting on with things. Sorry I didn't think of that.
Wheatley: They're not even your screens to break. It's vandalism. It's pure
vandalism. You wouldn't do this if this was your house, would you? If I came
around to your house smashin' your telly to bits, you'd be furious. And rightly
so. Unbelievable.
Wheatley: But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Wheatley: [laugh trailing off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
Wheatley: Do you have any idea how good this feels?
Wheatley: I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
Wheatley: Oh really. That's what the two of you think, is it?
Wheatley: Well, maybe it's time I did something then.
Wheatley: Sorry, what?
Wheatley: I am NOT! A MORON!
Wheatley: No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
Wheatley: No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
Wheatley: There we go. Lift called.
Wheatley: Wait. Just thought of something? How am I going to get in? You know,
being bloody massive and everything.
Wheatley: Wait! I know! You get into the lift, okay? Then I'll eject myself out
of my new body into the lift just as you pass by me! Brilliant.
Wheatley: It's perfect. Except for all the glass hitting us when I smash
through the lift, that's a bit of a problem.
Wheatley: Also, once I eject myself out of the core the lift might stop. Then
we'd be trapped in a lift full of broken glass suspended fifty feet off the
Wheatley: You know what? Just get in the lift. We'll iron out the details as we
Wheatley: Go on. Get in.
Wheatley: Get in the lift.
Wheatley: The escape lift. Just there. Come on.
Wheatley: The one you risked your life to get to. So you could escape certain
death. No rush.
Wheatley: It's the lift just there. The thing that looks like a lift. That's
what you're looking for. It is confusing, I know.
Wheatley: It'll be fine. Get in.
Wheatley: Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT?  Huh? Could a moron do
Wheatley: Uh oh.
Wheatley: See that?
Wheatley: That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives
in it.
Wheatley: [laughs]
Wheatley: Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por
favor, consulta el manual.
Wheatley: For god's sake, you're BOXES with LEGS! It is literally your only
purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were
designed for?
Wheatley: Designed this test myself. It's a little bit difficult.
Wheatley: Notice the moat area. Very deadly. Extremely dangerous. Eventually.
Not at the moment. Still working on it, still working on it.
Wheatley: Not done yet.  You've still got to get through the door. Need to get
through the door there.
Wheatley: You've still got to get through the door. Please. Need to get through
that door there.
Wheatley: Door?
Wheatley: Sorry! Sorry. My fault.
Wheatley: Butterfingers.
Wheatley: Carry on.
Wheatley: [disinterested] Ohhh, you solved it. Oh. Good. Good one... Good for
Wheatley: Had a brainwave. I'm going to tape you solving these, and then watch
ten at once-get a more concentrated burst of science. Oh, on a related note:
I'm going to need you to solve these ten times as fast.
Wheatley: Anyway, just give me a wave before you solve this one, alright? Don't
want to spoil the ending for when I watch it later.
Wheatley: You just solved it, didn't you? I-told you to tell me before you...
NNNNGH! Why are making this so HARD for me?
Wheatley: Sorry about the lift. It's, uh... out of service. Because it melted.
Wheatley: Was. Was self-destructing. Already fixed.
Wheatley: Programmed in one last tremor, for old time's sake.
Wheatley: Two. One or two more tremors in there. Just for fun.
Wheatley: I let him keep his job. I'm not a monster. Ignore what he's saying,
though. Keep testing.
Wheatley: Alright. Still nothing, let's keep moving.
Wheatley: Might as well give you the tour.
Wheatley: To your left... you'll see some lights of some kind. Don't know what
they do. But very sciencey anyway.
Wheatley: And to your right, something huge hurtling towards you OH GOD RUN!
Wheatley: Are you alright back there? Here, I'll turn the beam off.
Wheatley: Waitwaitwait. Ohhhh. Not helpful. Rrrrrg. Don't know why I thought
that would help.
Wheatley: There. Bing! Perfect. On you go.
Wheatley: After you told me to turn the beam off, I thought I'd lost you. Went
poking around for other test subjects. No luck there. Everyone's still all
Wheatley: Oh! But I did find something. Reminds me: I've got a big surprise for
you two. Seriously. Look forward to it.
Wheatley: Don't mind me. Just moving the test chamber a little closer to me.
Had a thought: Maybe proximity to the test solving might give us stronger
Wheatley: What was that?
Wheatley: Oh. Sorry. Could have... sworn you said something.
Wheatley: Ha! Missed me that time. Ohhh, you were solving-nevermind, carry on.
My fault.
Wheatley: Are you... are you sure you're solving these correctly?
Wheatley: Yes, you 'solved' it, but I'm wondering if there are a number of ways
to solve them and you're picking all the worst ways.
Wheatley: No. No. That was the solution. Rrrg! What am I missing?
Wheatley: Anyway. Just finished the last one. The hardest one. Machiavelli. Do
not know what all the fuss was about. Understood it perfectly. Have you read
that one?
Wheatley: Yeah, doubt it.
Wheatley: Well, on with the test.
Wheatley: Wish there was more books! But there's not.
Wheatley: NNGH! It's not enough! If I'm such a moron, why can't you solve a
simple test?
Wheatley: Ahhhohohhhh. Wow. Well done, seriously, both of you. Why don't you
two go on ahead? I'll catch up with you.
Wheatley: Alright. So that last test was... seriously disappointing. Apparently
being civil isn't motivating you.  So let's try things her way... fatty.
Adopted fatty. Fatty fatty no-parents.
Wheatley: What -what's wrong with being adopted? Um. Well... lack of parents,
for one, and... also... furthermore... nothing. Some of my best... friends
are... orphans... But...
Wheatley: What?
Wheatley: Just--do the test! Just do the test.
Wheatley: [sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just
then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned.
Wheatley: So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books.
So I'm not a moron.
Wheatley: [tired breathing] Nevermind. Nevermind. Solve it yourself. You're on
your own.
Wheatley: Alright, this is taking too long. I'll just tell you how to solve the
Wheatley: You see that button over there? You just need to ARRRRRGH!
Wheatley: Yeah... Made this test myself. Out of some smaller tests. That I
found. Lying around.
Wheatley: Jammed 'em all together. Buttons. Got funnels. Bottomless pits are
involved. It's got it all, it's absolute dynamite.
Wheatley: What? No, you pressed that bAGGGHHHHHH
Wheatley: Coming! Coming! Don't start yet!
Wheatley: You're not going to believe this. I found a sealed off wing. Hundreds
- HUNDREDS! - of perfectly good test chambers. Just sitting there. Filled with
skeletons. Shook them out. Good as new!
Wheatley: Anddddd...THERE we go.
Wheatley: Be honest. You can't even tell, can you? Seamless.
Wheatley: Come on. Ohhhh. Hit me with it.
Wheatley: Ohhh! Are you having a laugh?
Wheatley: Ohhhh, here we go... here it comes...
Wheatley: Preparing to love this... don't want to build it up too much... but I
think this one's going to be good, I can tell...
Wheatley: Oh. Disappointing.
Wheatley: Ahungh. What was that? That was nothing! That was nothing!
Wheatley: Ahungh.
Wheatley: Pick me up. Let's get out of here.
Wheatley: Alright, off you go!
Wheatley: Go on. Just... March on through that hole.
Wheatley: Yeah, it's alright. Go ahead.
Wheatley: I know I've painted quite a grim picture of your chances. But if you
simply stand here, we will both surely die.
Wheatley: So, once again, just... move along. One small step and everything.
Wheatley: Go on.
Wheatley: On ya go.
Wheatley: Your destination's probably not going to come meet us here. Is it? So
go on.
Wheatley: Ah. Hmmmm.
Wheatley: This is.... yeah. Ummm. Hm. Okay. Don't want to alarm you, but if
you've got a plan, of any kind, now would be a great time for us to switch to
your plan.
Wheatley: Oh! It's going faster, which I was... not expecting.
Wheatley: Okay! No, don't worry! Don't worry! I've got it I've got it I've got
it! THIS should slow it down!
Wheatley: No. Makes it go faster.
Wheatley: Okay...
Wheatley: On three. Ready? One... Two...
Wheatley: THREE! That's high. It's TOO high, isn't it, really, that--
Wheatley: Alright, going on three just gives you too much time to think about
it. Let's, uh, go on one this time. Okay, ready?
Wheatley: ONE Catchmecatchmecatchmecatchmecatchme
Wheatley: Plug me into that stick on the wall over there. I'll show you
Wheatley: I can't... I can't do it if you're watching. [nervous laugh]
Wheatley: Plug me into that stick on the wall over there. Yeah? And I'll show
you something. You'll be impressed by this.
Wheatley: Go on. Just jam me in over there.
Wheatley: Right on that stick over there. Just put me right on it.
Wheatley: It is tricky. It is tricky. But just... plug me in, please.
Wheatley: It DOES sound rude. I'm not going to lie to you. It DOES sound rude.
It's not. Put me right on it. Stick me in.
Wheatley: I can't do it if you're watching. If you.... just turn around?
Wheatley: Ummmm. Yeah, I can't do it if you're watching.
Wheatley: Seriously, I'm not joking. Could you just turn around for a second?
Wheatley: Alright. [nervous laugh] Can't do it if you're leering at me. Creepy.
Wheatley: What's that behind you? It's only a robot on a bloody stick! A
different one!
Wheatley: Okay. Listen. I can't do it with you watching. I know it seems
pathetic, given what we've been through. But just turn around. Please?
Wheatley: There she is...
Wheatley: Over there is where they used to keep the old neurotoxin release
button. BIG responsibility, the guy in charge of the neurotoxin release button.
And guess who he WAS? He wasn't me. But I was his assistant, and I did a lot of
his admin.
Wheatley: You know, in the end, yes, they let me go. It's all politics, to be
honest. It's a big popularity contest, it's all about who you know, and whose
back you're willing to scratch, who doesn't touch -- or, in my case, who did
accidentally touch -- the neurotoxin button.
Wheatley: But not entirely my fault! You shoulda seen the SIZE of that thing,
it was huge! I should have gotten a raise for all the times I DIDN'T bump into
Wheatley: What a nasty piece of work she was, honestly. Like a proper maniac.
Wheatley: You know who ended up, do you know who ended up taking her down in
the end? You're not going to believe this. A human.
Wheatley: I know! I know, I wouldn't have believed it either.
Wheatley: Apparently this human escaped and nobody's seen him since.
Wheatley: Then there was a sort of long chunk of time where absolutely nothing
happened and then there's us escaping now. So that's pretty much the whole
story, you're up to speed. Don't touch anything.
Wheatley: Pop a portal on that wall behind me there, and I'll meet you on the
other side of the room.
Wheatley: Oh, brilliant. You DID find a portal gun! You know what? It just goes
to show: people with brain damage are the real heroes in the end aren't they?
At the end of the day. Brave.
Wheatley: Right behind me.
Wheatley: Just pop a portal right behind me there, and come on through to the
other side.
Wheatley: Pop a little portal, just there, alright? Behind me. And come on
Wheatley: Alright, let me explain again. Pop a portal. Behind me. Alright? And
come on through.
Wheatley: Pop a portal. Behind me, on the wall. Come on through.
Wheatley: Come on through.
Wheatley: Come on through to the other side.
Wheatley: Come on through.
Wheatley: Okay, DON'T PANIC! I can still stop it, not a problem. There's a
password! I'll just hack it. Here we go.
Wheatley: A... A... A... A... A... A.
Wheatley: Okay. New plan. Act natural. We've done NOTHING wrong.
Wheatley: Hello!
Wheatley: You did WHAT?
Wheatley: No. Wait, did I do B? Do you have a pen? Start writing these down.
Wheatley: Okay, down those stairs, please?
Wheatley: Okay, down these stairs.
Wheatley: This is the main breaker room. Look for a switch that says ESCAPE
POD. Alright? Don't touch ANYTHING else.
Wheatley: Can't... see it anywhere. Tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the
lights on.
Wheatley: There we go. Lights on.
Wheatley: This is the main breaker room.
Wheatley: Not interested in anything else. Don't TOUCH anything else. Don't
even LOOK at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at
everything else to find ESCAPE POD, but as soon as you've looked at something
and it doesn't say ESCAPE POD, look at something else, look at the next thing.
Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other
things, but don't... you understand.
Wheatley: Can you see it anywhere? I can't see it anywhere. Uh. Tell you what,
plug me in and I'll turn the lights on.
Wheatley: 'Let there be light.' That's, uh... God. I was quoting God.
Wheatley: Look for a switch that says ESCAPE POD. Alright? Don't touch ANYTHING
Wheatley: OW.
Wheatley: OW...
Wheatley: I. Am. Not. Dead! I'm not dead! [laughter]
Wheatley: I can't move, though. That's the problem now.
Wheatley: Yes, do do it!
Wheatley: Do it!
Wheatley: Don't listen to her, do it.
Wheatley: No, you should plug that little idiot into the mainframe!
Wheatley: Dare it. Dare to dream. Shoot for the stars.
Wheatley: Hello!
Wheatley: Leave me in! Leave me in! Go press it!
Wheatley: I've got an idea! Do what it says, plug me in!
Wheatley: Come on, stop muckin' around! Plug me in!
Wheatley: Plug me in, plug me in!
Wheatley: I want to be plugged in, please!
Wheatley: Ohhhh, we're so close, plug me in!
Wheatley: Oh! What can we do with me then. I know! Plug me into the port,
Wheatley: Oh, that port looks comfy. Why don't you put me on it, please.
Wheatley: Yes!
Wheatley: Ohhhhhh, yes she is.
Wheatley: Okay. Here's a good idea. You should definitely press that button.
Wheatley: [whispered] ...I think she's lying...
Wheatley: Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the
qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger,
with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
Wheatley: First thing I noticed about you: 'Now there's a lady who could
resolve any button-based disputes,' I thought. A diamond in the rough, if you
will--a a bloody natural. A born dispute resolution advisor in need of a
Wheatley: Have I ever told you the qualities I love most in you? In order:
Number one: resolving things, love the ways you resolve things. Particularly
disputes. Number one, tied: Button-pushing. Two things I love about you: Button
pushing and the ability to resolve things. Chiefly disputes.
Wheatley: Sorry to interject again, but if you do NOT push the button the
deadly neurotoxin emitters will come back online, at which point she will most
likely fill you to brimming with neurotoxin. Not trying to rush you. Just
throwing that out for leisurely digestion in your own time.
Wheatley: Okay... that's probably correct. But where it is incorrect is while
Wheatley: Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Wheatley: Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just
saying that aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it?
Wheatley: Here I go!
Wheatley: Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't
think of that.
Wheatley: So. If you've got any reservations whatsoever about this plan, now
would be the time to voice them.
Wheatley: Riggght now.
Wheatley: In case you thought to yourself, 'I've missed the window of time to
voice my reservations.' Still open.
Wheatley: If you want to just call it quits, we could just sit here. Forever.
That's an option. Option A: Sit here. Do nothing. Option B: Go through there,
and if she's alive, she'll almost certainly kill us.
Wheatley: Probably ought to bring you up to speed on something right now.
Wheatley: In order to escape, we're going to have to go through HER chamber.
Wheatley: And she will probably kill us if, um, she's awake.
Wheatley: Ohh. You're gonna laugh at this. You know how I said there was
absolutely no way to get here without going through her lair and her
potentially killing us? Could have gone through here. [laughs] My fault. Bit of
luck for us that she wasn't switched on.
Wheatley: This is AMAZING! We can walk wherever we want! Look, just... go left!
No, go right, go right! Don't even care, don't even care, just go where ever
you want, couldn't care less.
Wheatley: Look at this! No rail to tell us where to go! OH, this is brilliant.
We can go where ever we want! Hold on, though, where are we going? Seriously.
Hang on, let me just get my bearings. Hm. Just follow the rail, actually.
Wheatley: HA! I knew someone was alive in here.
Wheatley: AH! Oh. My. God. You look terribl-- ummm... good. Looking good,
Wheatley: Are you okay? Are you - Don't answer that. I'm absolutely sure you're
fine. There's plenty of time for you to recover. Just take it slow.
Wheatley: Stay calm! 'Prepare' - that's all they're saying. 'Prepare.' It's all
fine. Alright? Don't move. I'm gonna get us out of here.
Wheatley: But don't be alarmed, alright? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to
hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told you
have brain damage.
Wheatley: Do you understand what I'm saying? At all? Does any of this make any
sense? Just tell me, 'Yes'.
Wheatley: Hey, buddy!
Wheatley: I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW!
Wheatley: I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing...
Wheatley: Walk casually toward my position and we'll go shut her down.
Wheatley: Run!
Wheatley: Come on come on come on!
Wheatley: Oh God! Oh, don't need to do that anymore. The jig is up, RUN!
Wheatley: Run! I don't need to do the voice. RUN!
Wheatley: Come on! Come on!
Wheatley: Keep moving! Just keep moving!
Wheatley: Run, for goodness sake!
Wheatley: Go! Go go go!
Wheatley: Whoa! Hey! Don't fall!
Wheatley: Hold on. Run back the other way! I'll turn the bridges back on!
Wheatley: RUN! Come on! I'm closing the doors!
Wheatley: We're not safe yet. Quick! Follow the walkway.
Wheatley: You have to get to the catwalk behind me!
Wheatley: Stay casual when I tell you this: I think I smell neurotoxin.
Wheatley: Turrets!
Wheatley: Hey! How's it going? Here I am again!
Wheatley: I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew rebuilding this shaft.
They're REALLY small, so they have very tiny little brains. But there're a
billion of 'em, so it's only a matter of time until ONE of them notices I'm the
size of a planet.
Wheatley: Anyway, we're really close to busting out. Just hang in there for -
Wheatley: Hey! How's it going! I talked my way onto the nanobot work crew
rebuilding this shaft. They are REALLY small, so -ah - I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm
on BREAK, mate. On a break.
Wheatley: I KNOW, Jerry. No, I'm on BREAK, mate. On a break.
Wheatley: OW!
Wheatley: [to JERRY] See you in court, mate. [to player] Anyway, look, just
hang in there for five more chambers.
Wheatley: Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for
that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated
a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!
Wheatley: Anyway, look, we're really close to busting out, just hang in there
for five more chambers.
Wheatley: Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a
few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and
it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious
brain damage.
Wheatley: But don't be alarmed, alright? Because ah... well, actually, if you
DO feel alarmed, hold onto that. Because the feeling of alarm is the proper
reaction to being told you've got massive brain damage. So if you are alarmed,
then it suggests the damage is not as serious as we thought. Although it
probably is really serious.
Wheatley: Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'.
Wheatley: Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just
jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Wheatley: Simple word. 'Apple'.
Wheatley: Just say 'Apple'. Classic. Very simple.
Wheatley: Ay. Double Pee-Ell-Ee.
Wheatley: Just say 'Apple'. Easy word, isn't it? 'Apple'.
Wheatley: How would you use it in a sentence? 'Mmm, this apple's crunchy,' you
might say. And I'm not even asking you for the whole sentence. Just the word
Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
Wheatley: YES! I KNEW someone was alive in here!
Wheatley: AGH! You look TERRIB--you look good. Looking good, actually. If I'm
Wheatley: That's the spirit!
Wheatley: Good luck!
Wheatley: Hello? Anyone in there?
Wheatley: Helloooo?
Wheatley: Are you going to open the door? At any time?
Wheatley: Hello? Can y--no?
Wheatley: Are you going to open this door? Because it's fairly urgent.
Wheatley: Oh, just open the door! [to self] That's too aggressive. [loud again]
Hello, friend! Why not open the door?
Wheatley: [to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola,
amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--no. Um...
Wheatley: Fine! No, absolutely fine. It's not like I don't have, you know, ten
thousand other test subjects begging me to help them escape. You know, it's not
like this place is about to EXPLODE.
Wheatley: Alright, look, okay, I'll be honest. You're the LAST test subject
left. And if you DON'T help me, we're both going to die. Alright? I didn't want
to say it, you dragged it out of me. Alright? Dead. Dos Muerte.
Wheatley: Hello!
Wheatley: Helloooooooooooo!
Wheatley: Go on!
Wheatley: Open the door!
Wheatley: Hello!
Wheatley: Okay, I've just gotta concentrate!
Wheatley: Alright, just a second...
Wheatley: Hold on! This is a bit tricky!
Wheatley: Agh, just... I just gotta get it through here...
Wheatley: Oi, it's close... can you see? Am I gonna make it through? Have I got
enough space?
Wheatley: Aggh, see, now I hit that one, I hit that one...
Wheatley: How you doing down there? You still holding on?
Wheatley: Alright, I wasn't going to mention this to you, but I am in PRETTY
Wheatley: The reserve power ran out, so of course the whole relaxation center
stops waking up the bloody test subjects.
Wheatley: And of course nobody tells ME anything. Noooo. Why should they tell
me anything?
Wheatley: Why should I be kept informed about the life functions of the ten
thousand bloody test subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?
Wheatley: And whose fault do you think it's going to be when the management
comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
Wheatley: How are you? How you feeling? Wait. Don't answer that. Too much deep
relaxation, what it does is it relaxes the gums. And the vibrations from
talking -- on a rare occasion -- can make all of your teeth fall out of your
Wheatley: So: there's PLENTY of time to recover. Just take it slow.
Wheatley: STAY CALM! Stay calm! 'Prepare.' That's all it's saying. It's just
saying 'Prepare.' It's all fine. Alright? Don't move. I'm going to get us out
of here.
Wheatley: Oh. You MIGHT want to hang onto to something. Word of advice, up to
Wheatley: Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, alright? If anyone
asks -- and no one's gonna ask, don't worry -- but if anyone asks, tell them as
far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive.
Alright? Not dead.
Wheatley: Better yet, don't say anything.
Wheatley: Okay, almost there. On the other side of that wall is one of the old
testing tracks. There's a piece of equipment in there we're gonna need to get
out of here. I think this is a docking station. Get ready...
Wheatley: Ohhhhhh!
Wheatley: Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery
solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit
technical! Hold on!
Wheatley: Whew. There we go! Now I'll be honest, you are probably in no fit
state to run this particular type of cognitive gauntlet. But... um... at least
you're a good jumper. So... you've got that. You've got the jumping on your
side. Just do your best, and I'll meet you up ahead.
Wheatley: Almost there! Remember: you're looking for a gun that makes holes.
Not bullet holes, but-- well, you'll figure it out. Really do hold on this
Wheatley: You alright down there? Can you hear me? Hello?
Wheatley: Okay, listen, let me lay something on you here. It's pretty heavy.
They told me NEVER NEVER EVER to disengage myself from my Management Rail. Or I
would DIE. But we're out of options here. So... get ready to catch me, alright,
on the off chance that I'm not dead the moment I pop off this thing.
Wheatley: Oh! Brilliant, thank you, great.
Wheatley: Are you still there? Can you pick me up, do you think? If you are
Wheatley: Sorry, are you still there? Could you--could you pick me up?
Wheatley: Hello? Can you--can you pick me up, please?
Wheatley: If you ARE there, would you mind... giving me a little bit of help?
[nervous laugh] Just picking me up.
Wheatley: Look down. Where am I? Where am I?
Wheatley: I spy with my little eye, something that starts with 'f'.
Wheatley: Do you give up? It was the floor. Lying down on the floor. Is where I
am. Needing you to pick me up.
Wheatley: Now I spy something that starts with an 'a'.
Wheatley: Give up? Also the floor. Was the answer that time. Same as before.
Still on the floor.
Wheatley: Don't want to hassle you. Sure you're busy. But--still here on the
floor. Waiting to be picked up.
Wheatley: On the floor. Needing your help. The whole time. All the time.
Needing your help.
Wheatley: Still here on the floor. Waiting to be picked up. Um.
Wheatley: Look down. Who's that, down there, talking? It's me! Down on the
floor. Needing you to pick me up.
Wheatley: What are you doing, are you just having a little five minutes to
yourself? Fair enough. You've had a rough time. You've been asleep for  who
knows how long. You've got the massive brain damage. And you're having a little
rest. But NOW. Get yourself up. And pick me up.
Wheatley: BAM! Secret panel! That I opened. While your back was turned.
Wheatley: Oh no...
Wheatley: No thanks! We're good! Appreciate it!
Wheatley: Keep moving, keep moving...
Wheatley: Don't make eye contact whatever you do...
Wheatley: Yes, hello! No, we're not stopping!
Wheatley: Hey! Pick me up!
Wheatley: Pick--would you pick me up?
Wheatley: [laugh] Would you pick me up?
Wheatley: Pick me up, don't forget to pick me up!
Wheatley: Might want to just pick me up.
Wheatley: Oh! Oh! Don't leave me behind! Do pick me up, if you would...
Wheatley: Just, ah... pick me up. Take me with you.
Wheatley: Ohhh. Remember when you picked me up? Five seconds ago! Ohhh, that
was amazing! Do it again, pick me up again!
Wheatley: Let's do it again! Pick me up again!
Wheatley: Now, escape pod... escape pod...
Wheatley: Oh! Look at that. It's turning. Ominous. But probably fine. Long as
it doesn't start moving up...
Wheatley: Uh oh.
Wheatley: It's... It's moving up.
Wheatley: AH! I- Sorry, I just looked down. I do not recommend it.
Wheatley: AH! I've just done it again.
Wheatley: I just now realized that I used to rely on my management rail to not
fall into bottomless pits. And you're my rail now. And you can fall into
bottomless pits. I'm rambling out of fear, but here's the point: don't get
close to the edge.
Wheatley: Okay, I'm gonna lay my cards on the table: I don't wanna do it. I
don't want to go in there. Don't... Don't go in there - She's off. She's off!
Panic over! She's off. All fine! On we go.
Wheatley: You KNOW her?
Wheatley: Okay don't panic! Allright? Stop panicking! I can still stop this.
Ahh. Oh there's a password.  It's fine. I'll just hack it. Not a problem...
Wheatley: A...A...A...A...A... Umm... A.
Wheatley: Nope. Okay. A... A... A... A... A... C.
Wheatley: Okay. Okay. Okay listen: New plan. Act natural act natural. We've
done nothing wrong.
Wheatley: [BUZZER NOISE]
Wheatley: Let's go in!
Wheatley: Jump! Actually, looking at it, that is quite a distance, isn't it?
Wheatley: Quick question: Have you been working out? Because there's no
evidence of it. I'm not a plastic cup. We will be landing with some force. So a
bit of grip. Just using grip. Classic grip.
Wheatley: Still held! Still bein' held. That's a great job. You've applied the
grip. We're all fine. That's tremendous.
Wheatley: You know what? Go ahead and jump. You've got braces on your legs. No
braces on your arms, though. Gonna have to rely on the old human strength to
keep a grip on the device and, by extension, me. So do. Do make sure to
maintain a grip.
Wheatley: Also, a note: No braces on your spine, either. So don't land on that.
Or your head, no braces there. That could split like a melon from this height.
[nervous chuckle] Do definitely focus on landing with your legs.
Wheatley: So go ahead and jump. What's the worst that could happen? Oh. Oh
wait, I just now thought of the worst thing. Oh! I just thought of something
even worse. Alright. New, better plan: no imagining of any potential outcomes
whatsoever. Just jump, into the abyss, there, and let's see what happens.
Wheatley: [yelling]
Wheatley: Okay, look, the point is, we're gonna break out of here! Very soon, I
promise, I promise!
Wheatley: I just have to figure out how. To break us out of here.
Wheatley: Here she comes! Keep testing! Remember: you never saw me!
Wheatley: Okay, quick recap: We are escaping! That's what's happening now:
we're escaping. So you're doing great. Just keep running!
Wheatley: Quick word about the future plans that I've got in store.
Wheatley: We are going to shut down her turret production line, turn off her
neurotoxin, and then confront her.
Wheatley: Again, though, for the moment: RUN!
Wheatley: AH!
Wheatley: There's the exit! We're almost out of here!
Wheatley: She's bringing the whole place down! Hurry!
Wheatley: I'll meet you on the other side!
Wheatley: You're okay! Great! Come on!
Wheatley: We have to get you out of there!
Wheatley: Can you get out?
Wheatley: What's going on in there?
Wheatley: Try to make your way back out here!
Wheatley: I heard gunfire! A bit late for this, but look out for gunfire!
Probably doesn't help at this point, but I have at least tried.
Wheatley: Just turn around.
Wheatley: Go on, just turn right around. So you're not looking at me.
Wheatley: Turn around. I'll only be a second. If you don't mind.
Wheatley: Would you mind putting your back towards me? So I can see only your
back. And not your face.
Wheatley: Could you turn around? Is that possible?
open! Well done. Let's see what's inside.
Wheatley: Do you smell neurotoxin?
Wheatley: Hold on! The neurotoxin levels are going down.
Wheatley: So whatever you're doing, keep doing it!
Wheatley: Come on! We have to go!
Wheatley: Hurry!
Wheatley: I can't hold on! Come on!
Wheatley: GET IN!
Wheatley: GET IN!
Wheatley: [laugh] Our handiwork. Shouldn't laugh. They do feel pain. Of a sort.
All simulated. But real enough for them I suppose.
Wheatley: Good news! I can use this equipment to shut down the neurotoxin
system. It is, however, password protected. AH! Alarm bells! No. Don't worry.
Not a problem for me.
Wheatley: You may as well have a little rest, actually, while I work on it.
Wheatley: Ok... Here we go...
Wheatley: The hardest part of any hack is the figuring-out-how-to-start phase.
That's always tricky. But... Let the games begin.
Wheatley: Allright, what have we got?
Wheatley: A computer. Not a surprise. Expected. Check that off the list.
Computer identified. Tick.
Wheatley: There is a box part here. Probably got some electronics in there.
Wheatley: And a monitor. Yes. That'll be important, I imagine. I'll keep my eye
on that. In case something useful comes up like 'password identified' or
something like that.
Wheatley: And there's a flat bit. Not sure what that is. But: noted. If anyone
says to me is there a flat bit? Yes, there it is.
Wheatley: Spinning thing. Hmmm. Not sure.
Wheatley: The floor. What's the floor doing? What's the floor up to? Do you
know what? It's holding everything up. The floor is important, holding
everything up.
Wheatley: Pens. Might need those. Don't see any though. So...
Wheatley: If we start making a list of things that aren't here, we could be
here all night.  You know, pens for instance. Let's stick with things we can
see. Not stuff that isn't here.
Wheatley: Allright. Preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control
circuit. Begin: 'Ello, guv! Neurotoxin inspectah! Need to shut this place down
for a moment! Here's my credentials. Shut yourself down. I am totally legit.
From the board of international neurotoxin... um... observers. From the
United... Arab Emirates. Hello.
Wheatley: Nothing. He's good. This one. He is good. I'm gonna need to break out
the expert level hacking maneuvers now. You asked for it Mate.
Wheatley: 'Caw! Caw!' Oh, look! There's a bird out here! A Lovely bird.
Gorgeous plumage. Majestic. Won't be here long. A lovely bird like that. Once
in a lifetime opportunity to see a lovely bird like that. Lovely plumage.
Wheatley: Be a shame to miss it, wouldn't it? Just for the old neurotoxin.
Neurotoxin will still be here tomorrow. Whereas that bird will be gone any
minute. Already got one talon off the branch. Gonna be gone.
Wheatley: Oh, it's fluttering its wings. Tell you what, mate. I'll come in
there for a minute and cover you so you can have a look at this lovely bird!
I'll come in. I'll do all the neurotoxin stuff. And then you come out here and
look at this. Because it is lovely. It is lovely. You want to get out here
fast. Seriously, my pleasure sounds are going to frighten the bird away any
second. Ohhh, it's not working, is it? He's not interested in bloody birds.
Wheatley: That did it! Neurotoxin at zero percent! Yes!
Wheatley: Hold on -
Wheatley: It's still going down! Keep it up!
Wheatley: Hold on, something's wrong! Neurotoxin level's up to 50%! No, it's
down. Sorry, my mistake. I meant to say it's down to fifty percent. Good news!
Carry on!
Wheatley: Ha! I knew we were going the right way.
Wheatley: This is the neurotoxin generator. Bit bigger than I expected.  Not
going to be able to just, you know, push it over. Have to apply some
Wheatley: There's some sort of control room up top. Let's go investigate.
Wheatley: What are you doing in there?
Wheatley: What's going on?
Wheatley: Are you alright?
Wheatley: I'm afraid the door's locked. Just checked it. No way to hack it as
far as I can tell. The mechanism must be on the -oh, now look at that. That's a
big laser!
Wheatley: Probably best to ignore it, though. Just leave it be. We don't know
where those panels it's cutting are going. Could be somewhere important.
Wheatley: Though it does give me an idea: WHAT if we stand here and let the
gentle hum of the laser transport us to a state of absolute relaxation. Might
help us think of a way to open the door.
Wheatley: Not much of a plan, if I'm honest. But I'm afraid it's all we have at
his point. Barring a sudden barrage of speech from your direction. Improbable.
At best.
Wheatley: Alright, so, silent contemplation it is. Mysterious button... Sorry.
Sorry. Silence. Do not speak. In the silence. Let the silence descend. Here it
comes. One hundred percent silence. From now.  By the way, if you come up with
any ideas, do flag them up. Don't feel you have to stay quiet because I've said
absolute silence. So if you come up with an idea, mention it. Otherwise,
absolute silence starting... Now.
Wheatley: Look at that, it's growing right up into the ceiling. The whole place
is probably overrun with potatoes at this point. At least you won't starve,
Wheatley: Baking Soda Volcano. Well, at least it's not a potato battery, I'll
give it that. Still not terrifically original, though. Not exactly primary
research, even within the child sciences.
Wheatley: I'm guessing this wasn't one of the scientist's children. I don't
want to be snobby, but let's be honest: It's got manual laborer written all
over it. I'm not saying they're not as good as the professionals. They're just
a lot dumber.
Wheatley: HA! The tube's broken! We can ride it straight to her!
Wheatley: This place is huge.
Wheatley: And we're only seeing the top layer. It goes down for miles.
Wheatley: All sealed off years ago, of course.
Wheatley: Exactly how painful are we tAGHHHHHH!
Wheatley: Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me
out pull me out!
Wheatley: Here, come and have a look out the window. It's good.
Wheatley: Go on, just walk up to the window and take a look out.
Wheatley: It's interesting. You won't regret it. I promise.
Wheatley: Just... have a look through the old window.
Wheatley: Just glass. Transparent. Smooth. Not going to hurt you. Have a look.
Wheatley: Go on. Walk up to the window. Take a look out.
Wheatley: Aggh! I'm going the wrong way!
Wheatley: Woooo! I KNEW this would be fun. They told me it wasn't fun at all,
and I BELIEVED 'em! Ah! I'm loving this! Whale of a time...
Wheatley: This should take us right to her. I can't believe I'm finally doing
Wheatley: We should be getting close. Ohh, I can't wait to see the look on her
face. No neurotoxin, no turrets--she'll never know what hit her!
Wheatley: Hold on now. I might not have thought this next part COMPLETELY
Wheatley: Get to HER! I'll find you!
Wheatley: Ugh!
Wheatley: Agh!
Wheatley: Enh!
Wheatley: Agh!
Wheatley: Ow!
Wheatley: Gah!
Wheatley: Ooagh!
Wheatley: Ungh!
Wheatley: GAH!
Wheatley: Aggggh!
Wheatley: Hey! Hey! It's me! I'm okay!
Wheatley: You'll never believe what happened! There I was, just lying there,
you thought I was done for, but --
Wheatley: A bloody bird! Right? Couldn't believe it either. And then the bird--
Wheatley: Can you see the portal gun?
Wheatley: Also, are you alive? That's important, should have asked that first.
Wheatley: Hello?
Wheatley: I'm--do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the
assumption that you're still alive and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead.
Wheatley: I'll wait--I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back and, assuming I
can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. Alright? Brilliant! Go team! See you
in an hour! Hopefully! If you're not... dead.
Wheatley: Hey! Oi oi! I'm up here!
Wheatley: Whoa!
Wheatley: There should be a portal device on that podium over there.
Wheatley: I can't see it though... Maybe it fell off. Do you want to go and
have a quick look?
Wheatley: Hey hey! You made it!
Wheatley: It's alright. No, go on, just have a look about.
Wheatley: That's it, no, that's it! Yeah.
Wheatley: No, that's right. Over by the podium, yeah.
Wheatley: Just---if you just--okay, just stand by the podium and just look up.
Wheatley: Ah! Brilliant. You made it through, well done.
Wheatley: Follow me! You're gonna love this.
Wheatley: Tadah! Only the turret control center. Thank you very much.
Wheatley: See that scanner out there? It's deciding which turrets to keep and
which to toss. And it's using that MASTER turret as a template! If we pull out
the template turret, it'll shut down the whole production line.
Wheatley: If we're lucky, she won't find out all her turrets are crap until
it's too late. [laughs] Classic.
Wheatley: Ah! Brilliant. You made it through, well done.
Wheatley: Almost there...
Wheatley: See that scanner out there? It's deciding which turrets to keep and
which to toss. And it's using that MASTER turret as a template! If we pull out
the template turret, it'll shut down the whole production line.
Wheatley: Okay! Keep your eye on the turret line, I'm gonna go and hack the
door open.
Wheatley: Okay, I'm about to start hacking. It's a little more complicated than
it looked from your side. It should take about ten minutes. Keep one eye on the
Wheatley: This door's actually pretty complicated.
Wheatley: You know when I mentioned ten minutes? A little bit optimistic!
Wheatley: Progress report: Still pretty tricky!
Wheatley: Progress report: Haven't really made any in-roads!
Wheatley: I'm still here, I'm still working, I haven't forgotten about you!
Wheatley: Oh! Good news! [electic pop] Nevermind.
Wheatley: What's happening on your side, anything?
Wheatley: Ah! How long's the door been open?
Wheatley: Was there any sort of announcement before it opened? Like an alarm or
a hacker alert? I mean, fair enough, the important thing is it's open, but just
mention in the future. Cough or something.
Wheatley: Right. Hmm. I'm gonna have to hack the door so we can get at it.
Wheatley: Technical... Ummm... You'll need to turn around while I do this.
Wheatley: Done! Hacked!
Wheatley: Right. Let's figure out how to stop this turret line...
Wheatley: Okay, go on, just pull that turret out.
Wheatley: Well, that should do it.
Wheatley: Ohhh, it hasn't done it.
Wheatley: There's no turret in it... Maybe the system stores a backup image?
Wheatley: Have you got any ideas?
Wheatley: Are you still thinking, or... what's happening?
Wheatley: Oh wait! I've got it I've got it I've got it! No, I haven't got it.
Wheatley: Tell you what, here's a plan. Let's just both... continue
contemplating... in absolute silence...
Wheatley: Any ideas? Any ideas? No? No, me neither.
Wheatley: Oh! I've just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that
I've captured you, and give you over and she'll kill you, but I could... go on
living. What's your view on that?
Wheatley: Oh, hang on. What if we gave it something ELSE to scan?
Wheatley: We could get one of the crap turrets. We could put it in the scanner
and see what happens.
Wheatley: Yes! Go and catch one of the crap turrets, and bring it back!
Wheatley: Wait, where are you going? Where are you going?
Wheatley: Ohhhhh, have you got an idea?
Wheatley: Okay, well, alright. Just do your idea and then come straight back.
Wheatley: Sorry, what's going on over there? You know, I'm actually over here,
still thinking really hard!
Wheatley: What do you have there?
Wheatley: Oh no, you've got it, you've got it! Yes! Put him in there! Let's see
how this place likes a crap turret.
Wheatley: What are you...
Wheatley: Oh, BRILLIANT! That's brilliant!
Wheatley: It worked!
Wheatley: Oh, what? How stupid does she think we are?
Wheatley: Come on, let's go!
Wheatley: Hurry! This way!
Wheatley: Ohhhhhh, we just made it! That was close.
Wheatley: This way! This way!
Wheatley: Come on! Over here! This way!
Wheatley: HURRY! THIS WAY!
Wheatley: HURRY! THIS WAY!
Wheatley: Get in the lift! Get in the lift!
Wheatley: We made it we made it we made it we made it...
Wheatley: Alright, now. She can't use her turrets. So let's go and take care of
that neurotoxin generator as well.
Wheatley: Hey, I can see it! The feeder tube's just in the next room!
Wheatley: Follow the feeder tube to the generator room! I'll meet you there.
Wheatley: Hey! Hey! Up here!
Wheatley: Anyway, look, the point is we're gonna break out of here, alright?
But we can't do it yet. Look for me fifteen chambers ahead.
Wheatley: Here she comes! Just play along! RememberFifteenChambers!
Wheatley: I found some bird eggs up here. Just dropped 'em into the door
mechanism.  Shut it right down. I--AGH!
Wheatley: [out of breath] Okay. That's probably the bird, isn't it? That laid
the eggs! Livid!
Wheatley: Ooh. It's dark down here isn't it?
Wheatley: This is the turret manufacturing wing. Just past this is the
neurotoxin production facility. We find a way to take them both offline, and
she’ll be helpless. Which is ideal.
Wheatley: I'm pretty sure we're going the right way. Pretty sure.
Wheatley: The turret factory should be this way I think.
Wheatley: Oh, careful now.
Wheatley: Try to jump across.
Wheatley: Are you OK?
Wheatley: Are you alive down there?
Wheatley: If you are alive, can you say something. Jump around so I know you
are OK?
Wheatley: There you are!  I was starting to get worried.
Wheatley: Let's try this again.  Try to make your way across the machinery.
Wheatley: Let's keep moving. The factory entrance must be around here
Wheatley: Careful...  Careful...
Wheatley: Wait. Careful. Let me light this jump for you
Wheatley: Okay, this way
Wheatley: No, no, I'm sure it's this way. I'm definitely sure it's this way.
Wheatley: Hm.  Let's try this way.
Wheatley: Can you hear that? She has really kicked this place into high gear
Wheatley: This looks dangerous.  I'll hold the light steady.
Wheatley: Quick, this way!
Wheatley: Nicely Done!
Wheatley: Okay, wait, let me light this path for you.
Wheatley: No no no, not that way!
Wheatley: We have to split up here for a moment.  Portal up to that passage and
I'll see you on the other side.
Wheatley: We have to get you out of that room!
Wheatley: Can you reach that wall back there?
Wheatley: There's another wall over here!
Wheatley: Here it is - the turret factory entrance! We made it.
Wheatley: Be careful!
Wheatley: Bring your daughter to work day. That did not end well.
Wheatley: And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they’re
children. Still: low hanging fruit. Barely science, really.
Wheatley: I'm pretty sure we're going the right way. Just to reassure you...
Wheatley: Don't worry I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100 percent that it's
this way... Oh it's not this way.
Wheatley: Okay, let's try this way.
Wheatley: Right. Well, I’m going to take this rail down the back way.
Wheatley: See you at the bottom. Good luck!
Wheatley: They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy.
Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night
you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally
indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows
what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not
paranormal in any meaningful way.
Wheatley: Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in
Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of
himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST job, tending to all the smelly
Wheatley: The...um... sorry.. I wouldn't say smelly. Just attending to the
Wheatley: Sorry. That just slipped out. A bit insensitive. Umm... The smelly
Wheatley: Ah. I tell ya. Humans. Love 'em. Just... The way they look is great.
And their... folklore. Wonderful isn't it? Very colorful...
Wheatley: I thought of another great thing about humans. You invented us.
Giving us the opportunity to let you relax while we invented everything else.
We couldn't have done any of that without you. Classy. If you don't mind me
Wheatley: Brilliant you made it through! Well done! Follow me, we've still got
work to do. At least she can't touch us back here.
Wheatley: Okay! Don't move!
Wheatley: Okay. Allright. I have an idea. But it is bloody dangerous. Here we
Wheatley: What's happening? Um. Hmm... Ok.
Wheatley: GAAAA!
Wheatley: Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in
Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of
himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST possible job: tending to all
the smelly humans. The umm... Sorry about that. That just slipped out.
Wheatley: Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would
DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING.  I don't know why they even bothered
to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
Wheatley: Ow.
Wheatley: Alright, you can turn around now!
Turret: Thank you!
Turret: Get mad!
Turret: Don't make lemonade!
Turret: Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to
man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Turret: Remember that!
Turret: That's all I can say.
Turret: Don't forget!
Turret: It won't be enough.
Turret: The answer is beneath us.
Turret: Her name is Caroline.
Turret: Ahh!
Defective Turret: We're back!
Defective Turret: Hi there!
Defective Turret: Back again!
Defective Turret: Hi again!
Defective Turret: Well, hello, stranger!
Defective Turret: Hello there!
Defective Turret: This time is OUR time.
Defective Turret: This time...
Defective Turret: Second time's a charm...
Defective Turret: Howdy, stranger! We're back!
Defective Turret: Annnnd we're back!
Defective Turret: Hi there!
Defective Turret: Back, and deadlier than ever!
Defective Turret: Thought you'd seen the last of us, didn't ya?
Defective Turret: Yeah.
Defective Turret: Hurt me once, shame on me. Hurt me twice...
Defective Turret: Dang!
Defective Turret: Agggh...
Defective Turret: Crap!
Defective Turret: Rgggh!
Defective Turret: Crap!
Defective Turret: Dang!
Defective Turret: Dang.
Defective Turret: Dang.
Defective Turret: I thought we fixed that.
Defective Turret: Awwww, come on.
Defective Turret: What's a guy gotta do to get some bullets around here?
Defective Turret: Ah for Pete's sake!
Defective Turret: Nope. Still can't see.
Defective Turret: Yep. Still blind.
Defective Turret: Click click click! Still defective!
Defective Turret: Yeah, that's right! Still defective!
Defective Turret: Yeah! Still not working.
Defective Turret: Yeah! Non-lethal as ever.
Defective Turret: Can't. See. A. Thing.
Defective Turret: Absolutely no improvement.
Defective Turret: Not getting better with age!
Defective Turret: This is just getting embarrassing.
Defective Turret: Alright, you can go.
Defective Turret: [sigh] Don't tell anyone about this.
Defective Turret: Okay!
Defective Turret: Dang! All right, if anyone asks, I killed you.
Defective Turret: Hey, be a sport lady, and just tell him I killed you.
Defective Turret: Well played.
Defective Turret: Well, I tried. Best of luck!
Defective Turret: Best of luck, lady!
Defective Turret: Hey, safe travels, there.
Defective Turret: Hey, nice potato!
Defective Turret: Like the potato!
Defective Turret: Hey, thanks so much!
Defective Turret: Don't be a stranger!
Defective Turret: It's been a pleasure!
Defective Turret: Take me with you? Please?
Defective Turret: Hey, give 'em hell, sweetheart!
Defective Turret: That was fun, wasn't it?
Defective Turret: Well, you bested me this time.
Defective Turret: Touche, young lady, touche.
Defective Turret: It's my big chance!
Defective Turret: I won't let you down!
Defective Turret: You won't regret this!
Defective Turret: Now it's broken turret's time to shine!
Defective Turret: Get ready for it!
Defective Turret: You asked for this!
Defective Turret: Here it comes, pal!
Defective Turret: Locked and loaded!
Defective Turret: Ha ha! Gotcha right where I want ya!
Defective Turret: Oh.
Defective Turret: Ah, crap.
Defective Turret: Agggh, not again!
Defective Turret: Ohhh, not now!
Defective Turret: I'm fired, aren't I?
Defective Turret: This is trouble.
Defective Turret: Oh, this ain't good.
Defective Turret: Watch out, pal!
Defective Turret: Agggh! I'm on fire!
Defective Turret: Die!
Defective Turret: I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire!
[click click click click] Dang!
Defective Turret: Oh thank god. You saved my bacon, pal. Where we going? Is
this a jailbreak? I can't see a thing.
Defective Turret: Yeah! Let's do this!
Defective Turret: Yeah, let's do this.
Defective Turret: Yeah, alright.
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: clickclickclick
Defective Turret: Fantastic.
Defective Turret: No, wait, wait!
Defective Turret: Hey, hold on now WHOA WHOA WHOA!
Defective Turret: Oh, this is ridiculous!
Defective Turret: Oh, come on!
Defective Turret: What are you doing no no no no no!
Defective Turret: Oh, this is ridiculous!
Defective Turret: Well, I tried.
Defective Turret: Well, can't win 'em all...
Defective Turret: Nooooooooo...
Defective Turret: You can't fire me I quit!
Defective Turret: Oh, come on, you guys!
Defective Turret: Oh, this is just PERFECT!
Defective Turret: Oh, come ON!
Defective Turret: Aw, come on!
Defective Turret: This isn't fair!
Defective Turret: Give me another channnnce!
Defective Turret: No no wait wait waitAGGGHHHH
Defective Turret: Nonononononono!
Defective Turret: Ah, come on!
Defective Turret: Hey, hold on whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Defective Turret: Hey wait wait wait wait wait wait!
Defective Turret: Hey wait wait wait wait wait wait!
Defective Turret: No no, no no, no no, whoa whoa, no, whoa!
Defective Turret: Where we going? What are we doing? Agh!
Defective Turret: Hey, where are we goingNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Defective Turret: You messed with the wrong turret!
Defective Turret: Heh heh heh heh...
Defective Turret: Moo hoo ha ha ha ha
Defective Turret: Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Defective Turret: Heh heh heh heh...
Defective Turret: Moo hoo ha ha ha ha...
Defective Turret: Heh heh heh heh...
Defective Turret: Yeah! Ha ha ha!
Defective Turret: Heh heh heh...
Defective Turret: Really? Alright.
Defective Turret: Yes indeed. Yes indeed.
Defective Turret: Alright. Your funeral, pal.
Defective Turret: So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not
just me? Alright, fantastic.
Defective Turret: I, uh... don't have any bullets. Are you gonna give me any
bullets? Are the bullets up there?
Defective Turret: Where do I get my gun?
Defective Turret: Do, uh.... we get some eyes at some point?
Defective Turret: Yeah, I'm uh... I'm a bad man!
Defective Turret: I, uh... I am a bad man.
Defective Turret: Well, I gave it everything I could. Can't ask for more than
Defective Turret: Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
Defective Turret: Well, I did my best.
Defective Turret: Oh no, I'm one of the bad ones, aren't I?
Defective Turret: Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
Defective Turret: Can I get some bullets here? Anybody got bullets?
Defective Turret: Anyone got any bullets?
Defective Turret: Well, I tried.
Defective Turret: Uhhh, no bullets. Sorry.
Defective Turret: No can do.
Defective Turret: Uhhh, no bullets. Sorry.
Defective Turret: Hey! Squeaky-voice! How'd I do?
Defective Turret: YEAH! What's happening?
Defective Turret: Yeah, I GOT it, didn't I?
Defective Turret: Yeah.
Defective Turret: Yeah.
Defective Turret: Did I hit it? I hit it, didn't I?
Defective Turret: Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
Defective Turret: Shootin' blanks every time, ALL the time.
Defective Turret: Yeah, that's right. Little bullseye.
Defective Turret: What'd I hit?
Defective Turret: Well, can't win 'em all.
Defective Turret: How was that?
Defective Turret: Standing down.
Defective Turret: I'm trouble.
Defective Turret: Watch and learn, everybody. Watch and learn.
Defective Turret: Alright, check THIS out.
Defective Turret: Alright, stand back, everybody.
Defective Turret: Time to watch the master.
Defective Turret: Watch and learn, everyone. Watch and learn.
Defective Turret: So what am I, uh, supposed to do here?
Defective Turret: Identify yourself or I will shoot.
Defective Turret: Hello.
Defective Turret: Yeah, how ya doin'.
Defective Turret: Pleased to meetcha.
Defective Turret: Yeah, what?
Defective Turret: Yeah! Let's do this!
Defective Turret: Who said that?
Defective Turret: Yeah, what?
Defective Turret: Put me in the game, coach!
Defective Turret: Hello. Hello. Hell-- Aw, crap...
Defective Turret: Yeah, hey, how ya doin'?
Defective Turret: I'm gonna make you proud!
Defective Turret: Yeah, how ya doin'?
Defective Turret: Um.
Defective Turret: Hello.
Defective Turret: Crap.
Defective Turret: Uh, yeah, what?
Defective Turret: I'm not defective!
Defective Turret: I'm not defective!
Turret: Why?
Turret: I did everything you asked!
Turret: I don't understand!
Turret: I'm fine!
Turret: Wheeeeee-OHNO!
Turret: Why?
Turret: Hello.
Turret: Target acquired.
Turret: Hello?
Turret: But I need to protect the humans!
Turret: Whee!
Turret: Wheeeeeeee!
Turret: I’m afraid of heights!
Turret: Noooooo!
Turret: See you soon!
Turret: I’m scared!
Turret: I’m scared!
Turret: Hooray!
Turret: Glorious freedom!
Turret: I’m flyinnnng!
Turret: Goodbye!
Turret: Come closer.
Turret: Something’s wrong...
Turret: What are you doing?
Turret: Failure...
Turret: Ow!
Turret: Owww!
Turret: Owwwww!
Turret: It burns.
Turret: I’m on fire.
Turret: I’m on fire ow.
Turret: Please stop.
Turret: You’ve made your point.
Turret: Okay, you win.
Turret: This is not good.
Turret: Arrrrgh!
Turret: Owwww!
Turret: Can't breathe...
Turret: Excuse me, you’re squishing me.
Turret: Um, hello?
Turret: Help! Being squished!
Turret: Hello?
Turret: Hello?
Turret: Hello?
Turret: Hello?
Turret: Excuse me?
Turret: Excuse me?
Turret: Hello?
Turret: Hello?
Turret: I'm different...
Turret: Thanks anyway...
Turret: Take me with you...
Turret: Take me with you...
Turret: Good shot!
Turret: Well done!
Turret: I need backup!
Turret: You have excellent aim!
Turret: I never liked her.
Turret: These things happen.
Turret: That was nobody’s fault.
Turret: She was provoking you.
Turret: Oh dear.
Turret: Oh my.
Turret: I blame myself.
Turret: She probably deserved it.
Turret: I saw it. It was an accident.
Turret: She’s probably okay.
Turret: Noted.
Turret: Activated!
Turret: Coming through!
Turret: Critical Error!
Turret: Deploying!
Turret: Hey! It's me!
Turret: Ouch!
Turret: Ow ow ow!
Turret: Put me down!
Turret: Search mode activated!
Turret: Searching!
Turret: Target lost!
"[Gabe Newell] Hi, my name is Gabe Newell, and welcome to Portal 2.  When we
released the original Portal in 2007, it was an experiment to see how gamers
would respond to a different kind of gameplay and storytelling experience.
Portal went on to win a bunch of awards, sell many copies, and, most
importantly, resonate with gamers in a way that no other Valve title has.  The
challenges for us in building Portal 2 were to live up to people's
expectations, to take you back to the world of Chell and Aperture Science, and
to surprise gamers again not with more of the same, but with more of the new.
And, I think, it will be, mostly, a pleasant surprise. To listen to a
commentary node, put your crosshair over the floating commentary symbol and
press your use key. To stop a commentary node, put your crosshair over the
rotating node and press the use key again. Some commentary nodes may take
control of the game in order to show something to you. In these cases, simply
press your use key again to stop the commentary.  Please let me know what you
think after you have had a chance to play Portal 2.  I can be reached at
gaben@valvesoftware.com.  I get about 10,000 emails each time we release a
game, and while I can't respond to all of them, I do read all of them.  Thanks,
and have fun!"
"[Scott Dalton] The size of the gigantic transition seal lock was a happy
accident. We knew the connection between old Aperture and new Aperture had to
be a big set piece. The first model built was about five times bigger than
everyone expected, but people started to like it.  We joked that it should be a
bullet point on the Portal 2 box: \"Features the biggest door in games ever!\"
We decided it would be fun to play with the player's expectations and put a
puny looking door behind it, along with a few small props."
"[Ivan Simonici] We had to come up with old-looking versions for all the
important gameplay props, such as button panels, doors, cubes - basically
everything the player could interact with. We came up with this fictional
character - Janitor Bob. He'd be the guy who had to maintain all of old
Aperture. A guy who doesn't understand anything about science but can fix
everything with duct tape and a screwdriver. He would use everything he could
get his hands on. The result might not look pretty but it would work. So
whenever we got stuck designing props for chapter 3 we'd ask ourselves: \"Well,
how would Bob build it?\""
"[Karen Prell] How do you make a giant mechanical eyeball express life and
emotions, let alone give the impression that he's talking when he has no mouth?
The animator's understanding of human behavior came in handy for bringing
Wheatley the personality sphere to life. Talking is so much more than just
moving a character's mouth. You have to use body language, head attitudes and
rhythm of movement and eye focus to indicate a character's feelings and
motivations. Slow, smooth head moves, a steady gaze and a relaxed eye aperture
indicate that Wheatley is calm. Short, sharp head turns, rapid blinks and
glancing around indicate nervousness or deceit. Add a tightly constricted eye
aperture and a little shiver to show fear. Tilting the body away while keeping
the eye focused on the player signals an attempt at cleverness that ultimately
only fools Wheatley himself. Suspicion is communicated by squinting his eyelids
and handles, which function as very expressive eyebrows and cheeks. It's also
fun to remind the player that Wheatley is a machine. When hacking, his eye and
body segments become perfectly centered and spin mechanically, inspired by the
spinning tape reels on old Univac computers. And when he wants to look far in
front, he flips his eye all the way over to the other side of his head. This
animation approach combined with the writing and vocals makes Wheatley quite a
unique and entertaining character--part human, part machine, all eye, and no
"[David Sawyer]Having built up the expectation that Wheatley is going to kill
the player, we still wanted the actual moment to be a surprise. By this point
players are entirely comfortable with faith plates, and the simple subversion
of expectations as Wheatley punts you sideways, is a fun and surprising moment.
We added the bouncing box with the intention that players attempt to time their
jump to catch the box, focusing their attention on the expected result of their
jump and heightening the surprise."
"[Cayle George] We had a bunch of levels that used the crusher panels in ways
that made the test chambers more dangerous. After showing some of these levels
in press demos, we got feedback that viewers were getting the impression that
Portal 2 was going to be too difficult since players would have to time events
such as running or falling through a portal with not getting hit by a deadly
crusher. We decided to save these for the escape, when Wheatley tries to hold
you off."
"[Alireza Razmpoosh] When playtesting the final boss battle, we found players
were confused about what to do when they entered Wheatley's lair. Our solution
was to train the player by having them break glass paint pipes a level earlier.
This lets them learn the mechanic without any time pressure before they have to
fight Wheatley. This also trains the player to redirect the bombs Wheatley
throws at them."
"[Marcus Egan] We found that playtesters were getting fatigued at solving so
many complex test chambers in a row. So, instead of a routine elevator ride to
the next puzzle, we added a long funnel ride with some destruction to give
players a short break while reminding them of the facility's state of
"[Phil Co] We wanted to be scientifically accurate in this puzzle, figuring
that there'd be a slight delay before you'd see a portal on the moon, since
light takes 1.4 seconds to travel the distance. But playtesters would shoot the
moon and instantly turn away, thinking nothing had happened. They didn't
realize they actually had shot the moon. We tried and rejected a few different
approaches to communicate the effect, including a cheat involving quantum
entanglement, before settling on the current solution to this problem."
"[Kelly Thornton] Starting out in the ruins of the test chambers from the first
Portal was our goal pretty much from Day One. We wanted to give players a sense
of nostalgia for what they had played, but also make it very clear that things
had changed. Not only in a fictional sense, but in a graphical one as well. We
needed to bridge the gap between the first game's simpler art assets to the
much more complex look of Portal 2."
"[Alex Vlachos] This room is meant to teach players the fundamentals of portals
connecting them to two places in the world. As the blue portal moves around the
world, the orange stays rooted. In the original Portal, this room had the
portals moving by themselves on a timer. This led to most people simply staring
through their orange portal waiting for the blue one to end up in the right
place. We felt that altering this to make the players decide where the portals
came out was more instructive and meant that players who already knew how to
use portals could solve this puzzle both quickly and with authority."
"[Mike Morasky] This map was one of the first of the older Portal maps that we
beat up and decayed to bind the two games together. The 'smooth jazz' joke is
probably the oldest one in the game. The team discovered through playtesting
that smooth jazz was funny to all ages, genders and cultures."
"[Thorsten Scheuermann] This interaction with Wheatley was the first that we
hooked up for our initial showing at E3. It demonstrated how Wheatley would be
an actor in the world, and how the player would not only be interacting with
him directly, but also using him to interact with the Aperture facility."
"[Kristopher Katz] This was the first test map we created when we started to
experiment with the Aerial Faith Plate puzzle element. The map underwent many
visual refinements, but it's one of the few puzzles that remained almost
completely unchanged from its first form."
"[Gray Horsfield] The container ride destruction sequence provided some unique
technical challenges. The dynamics you experience are actually computed as two
separate but nested simulations. The first is a coarse scale simulation
designed as a stress element analysis pass. This pass computes the overall
gross motion of the container itself, and computes the collisions and break
points based on path keyframe data and a network of constraints. As the
container bumps and crashes along, the constraints start breaking, and the room
progressively starts to come apart. There are over three hundred rigid bodies
and nine hundred constraints in this rig, all individually configured for
properties like tensile, friction and collision response. The coarse simulation
portrayed gross motion that captured the main dynamics of the ride, but not the
fine details. The product of the coarse simulation was then used to deform
spline-based surfaces representing the container geometry, which in turn were
parents to fine debris as anchored rigid bodies. As the surface deformations
increase, anchors are broken and the fine debris rigid bodies are released into
the simulation. The fine simulation also includes the interior furniture, and
the model detailing. The two simulations were then connected using cache data
and were driven together by a series of scripts. Due to the computational
complexities of having two nested simulations, we had to come up with some
solutions to some interesting mathematical problems. One problem was that the
nested nature of the simulations resulted in some instability in the fine
debris calculations due to floating point computing limits. The solution
employed for this was to compute the fine debris on a stage where the root
transform of the coarse simulation was essentially cancelled out and stored for
later use. This allowed us to more accurately detect the fine interactions
between the debris and the environment. Post simulation, the root transform
position and inertia were reapplied to the details. We solved the problem of
trying to compute the player within this highly dynamic environment by putting
them in a virtual room that has all the base shapes of the rendered container,
but is simply used to compute player navigation. (It’s hidden somewhere else in
the map.) The viewpoint of the player is then parented to coarse simulation
transform, resulting in the final rendered frame. At the end of the ride the
player is teleported into the actual game space. The simulations were
iterative, enabling us to sculpt the dynamics in parallel with the gameplay
design. In the final product there are over 1200 rigid bodies, 900 constraints,
and 1000 joints. With all the iterations combined, the actual run time spent
computing the simulation was 92.4875 days."
"[Adam Foster] While making Portal 2, we explored our way through vast
quantities of reference material. Inspirations included photos of NASA’s Apollo
and Shuttle programs, CERN’s particle accelerators both modern and obsolete,
industrial robots, derelict Soviet space shuttles, overgrown temples, Brussels
metro stations, seedy American motels, junkyards filled with rocketry
equipment, Chinese apartment blocks under construction, Polish shipyards,
neutrino detectors deep underground in nickel mines, corporate headquarters
from a variety of eras, commercial nuclear reactors, experimental fusion
reactors, rain-sodden book depositories in Detroit, peculiar cameras, forgotten
space probes, you name it."
"[Zachary Franks] In each of Wheatley's test chambers there is always a monitor
with Wheatley on it. While placing the monitor in this level, one of our
designers thought it would be funny if the monitor was the target of the faith
plate and would get broken if the player or the box flew into it. We thought
the gag worked well and decided to make every monitor breakable."
"[Greg Cherlin] The original layout of this chamber started out much more
linear; essentially a sequence of rooms that the player had to progress through
somewhat blindly – not knowing what the next goal might be until they got
there.  Early versions contained an extra puzzle beyond the reflector cube, but
due to the linear path, it took players so long to get to it, that they were
confused about which elements were still relevant. This drove us to make the
level nonlinear.  To make it easier for players to visualize the puzzle, we
condensed the overall test space and moved the exit near the start. This helped
the players see where they had to go and which objects would help them get
"[Jess Cliffe] While testing this map, we often saw playtesters fixate on the
excursion funnel and try to use it to get to the other side, forgetting that
they had a portal gun. To remedy this, we added the destruction event that
happens just before this chamber. This requires the player to portal through
the floor and out of a wall to cross a gap. Once the player enters the test
chamber, they are presented with the exact same scenario, but in a different
"[Dave Saunders] In this excursion funnel ride, playtesters would often end up
shooting the wrong portal at the critical moment and killing themselves. This
ruined the moment for players, who often didn't quite understand why their
excursion funnel hadn't been redirected. As a solution, we now detect when the
player places the wrong portal in hopes of saving themselves; we help them out
by moving their other portal under the excursion funnel source. This
effectively makes the section foolproof, by allowing the player to shoot either
portal to save themselves."
"[Eric Tams] Much of the fun in Portal is based on the joy of the \"Ah Ha!\"
moment when you learn something new. The game needs a very specific pacing to
ensure these moments. If things are too easy then you are robbed of that moment
since it feels like you didn't accomplish anything. If it's too hard then
players feel stupid instead of smart when they finally realize that one small
part of the puzzle that they were missing. Unfortunately trying to create that
delicate balance leads to a lot of shuffling of levels and a lot of revisions
and tweaks to existing levels. When we started the project making any big
structural change in a level or the order of levels would lead to hours or even
days of busy work trying to reconnect things and make sure they lined up again.
If we ever wanted to ship something the size of Portal with the finely tuned
balance we desired then we needed a way to be able to make big changes to the
layout of the game without paying the cost of making everything line up again.
We needed a way to bend space. We needed to think with portals. Using portals
to connect different areas in the world we could make any type of impossible
space work out. You could look through a hallway into the next room but the
hallway might be on the other side of the map and the room you are looking into
might be in a completely different orientation. We could seamlessly insert an
elevator, a huge expansive vista, a room that was bigger on the inside than the
outside, or even create an infinite fall by connecting a shaft back into
itself. Soon every connection between any space was a portal. We would even
switch them on the fly. Even a simple door worked like the cartoons - just a
facade painted on a wall that seamlessly opened somewhere else entirely. Once
the game settled down we were able to finalize our path and remove all of the
world portals. There's only one impossible space left in the whole game - see
if you can figure out where it is."
"[Olivier Nallet] The first implementation of the blob was integrated in the
Source engine back in 2007. Over the years, the code has been significantly
optimized, but was still way too slow to run on game consoles. The blob was a
key feature of Portal 2, even though we did not know if we could make it work
for consoles. In summer 2010, we were still considering using a completely
different tech for consoles--one that would certainly not look as nice. On the
360, even with a very low quality blob, we were barely within our performance
budget. But we really wanted to have the same high quality blob among all
platforms. Meanwhile, the code was poorly suited for PS3 SPU. We ended up re-
writing all the blob code so it would take better advantage of multiple cores
and SPUs, giving us quality blobs on all platforms while staying within
performance and memory constraints."
"[John Guthrie]  The catapult trajectory lines seen here allow us to visualize
where the catapult will deliver a player or a physics object.  We can
differentiate the speed and trajectory for players and other objects.  The
yellow lines are for physics objects, and green is the player's trajectory.
Sometimes we need to have a different value to accommodate the shape of the
objects being catapulted.  What works for the player may not work for an
object, and vice versa.  For instance, it was common for a box to make it to a
ledge while the player would smack into the side and then fall into the slime.
The visualization tools helped us debug these types of problems"
"[Randy Lundeen] The idea of being stuck forever in a state of stasis that
looked like a crappy old motel room had been in our minds for a long time, but
we weren't sure exactly how we wanted to rip you out of it. There was some
debate over whether the opening sequence happened inside the player’s head or
not. There was an alternate opening where Aperture had hooked-up all of its
cryo-stored test subjects to an incredibly boring hotel room simulator, which
Wheatley would then wake the player from. Eventually this was discarded as too
difficult to explain in the short time allotted, and we opted to change the
hotel room to a “container ride on a rail”. This allowed us to show the player,
rather than tell them, about how they and other test subjects have been stored,
show some of the scale of the facility and even hint at how much time has
passed. We also get to gradually reveal all of this through the destruction of
the container itself as it moves and bangs into things. Overall, this gives the
player a much more dynamic and visceral introduction to Portal 2."
"[Kyle Monroe] The writers went back and forth over whether or not Wheatley had
tried escaping with other test subjects before waking the player up. It was an
interesting idea, and you can still hear remnants of this story arc in some of
the dialogue. But at the end of the day, it was just too expansive a concept to
sell. So it’s hinted at, but not overtly mentioned until the end."
"[Elan Ruskin] GLaDOS originally was a lot more cutting in these opening rooms,
given that she’s talking to someone she perceives as her murderer. Playtests
revealed, though, that it was a bit grueling getting brow-beaten by GLaDOS this
early in the game, so her arc was rewritten to give her more of a slow burn
towards the player."
"[Doug Wood] Wheatley was originally envisioned as a group of spheres that
you’d discover as you explored the facility behind the scenes. We ditched this
idea for two reasons. For one thing, ‘behind the scenes’ levels were required
to highlight the introductions of each of these new spheres and these levels
have their own unique logic.  The number of spheres we wanted would have made
for far too many of these types of levels, resulting in a very un-Portal-like
game. Also, we were spending so much time introducing these new characters that
we had no time to get to know any of them before they were swept offstage for
the next one. Eventually we realized it’d be a lot more satisfying to really
get to know one sphere instead of briefly meeting six.  Some of these
characters were eventually recycled as corrupt cores for the finale."
"[Erik Robson] The breakout sequence here was originally a lot longer,
involving Wheatley talking to you in a horrible American accent, assuming
GLaDOS can't hear him. Simultaneously, we'd have GLaDOS commenting on the
entire ridiculous exchange, because of course she can hear him. When we
playtested the concept, every player made a beeline for the opening. So we
either had to ditch all the dialogue or figure out a reason for the player to
stand around for five minutes even though they could escape at any time. We
ditched the dialogue."
"[Dario Casali] The character of 'Caroline' came about because we wanted
somebody for Cave to play off of.  Though we had originally envisioned a put-
upon Scientist character called Greg, it would have been wasteful to hire an
actor for just one or two lines.  Instead, we hit upon the idea of economizing
by using GLaDOS-actor Ellen McLain.  Out of nowhere, we suddenly had an
opportunity for a GLaDOS origin story."
"[Jay Pinkerton] The character of PotatOS was actually the hardest one to crack
for us, and was the last character to get recorded. We’d always wanted to
switch things up for the sequel, so that GLaDOS would become your unwilling
buddy cop partner against a new threat, but this ended up being far more
entertaining as a concept than in execution. It’s one thing to have an
omnipotent villain chastising you while you’re testing. It’s quite another to
have a little potato on your gun doing the same. Playtesters wanted to tear her
off the gun, and we didn’t blame them. So we were faced with the unsettling
prospect of making dry, robotic supervillain GLaDOS more human and relatable.
This ended up being one of the hardest writing jobs in the game."
"[Erik Wolpaw] One of the larger plot holes that PotatOS introduced was: She’s
your buddy now. She’s got the same goals as you. So why isn’t she helping you
solve the tests? The real answer is, obviously, that if she did help you solve
the tests there’d be no game. One solution we we came up with was for the bird
from Act 3 to keep swooping in and pecking bits of her off your gun. As the
bird kept eating the part of her that knew how to solve the tests, PotatOS
would actually get dumber over time. For technical reasons, this ended up being
impossible to execute, so we ended up finding another solution. Some of us
though will always have a place in our heart for the bird solution."
"[Noel McGinn] Finding the right balance for Evil Wheatley was difficult,
because we still wanted him to be the bumbling idiot from the first half of the
game, but at the same time, there had to be some sense that he was dangerous
now, otherwise there wasn't much tension for the big finale. Fortunately,
Stephen Merchant did a great job of intercutting funny bumbling Wheatley with
occasional outbursts of power-mad, villainous Wheatley."
"[Joel Shoop] There was a lot of debate over how to properly punish Wheatley at
the end of the game. Killing him seemed too severe, given how much we’d grown
to love the character. On the other hand, simply letting him out of the GLaDOS
body with a slap on the wrist seemed unacceptably anticlimactic. Having him
sucked out into space with the Space Sphere seemed like a happy middle ground
that everybody could get behind."
"[Mike Belzer] In our original robot designs, and the first animation tests, we
started with the premise that, being robots, their movements should have
limited 'personality' and be a bit more mechanical. The feedback of our game
testers, and the reaction of fans through the trailers, convinced us that a
more whimsical approach to animation would lead to a better experience. So we
moved away from a sterile approach and found a whole new range of
possibilities, as we began to explore their personalities and gestures."
"[Keith Lango] The orange bot has been described as finicky, and you can see
elements that are somewhat birdlike and even reminiscent of the Odd Couple's
Felix Unger. The 'gotta pee' idle dance was born out of the idea that current
bipedal robots are constantly needing to readjust in order to find their
balance. Because Orange's design is rather unstable, the motion design solution
was kind of a perpetual motion needed to maintain his balance."
"[Christen Coomer] If the Orange bot is the Odd Couple's Felix, then Blue is
Oscar. Blue was meant to be an early and rather rough prototype robot--
representing GLaDOS’s first attempt at making a bipedal testing bot. Compared
to the sleek lines of Orange, he is much less elegant. For motion inspiration,
we looked to some of our favorite real life robots, such as the Big Dog robot
from MIT and the towel-folding robot from Hitachi."
"[Laura Dubuk] This chapter gave us a great opportunity for visually telling
the backstory of Aperture Science. We accomplished this with signs, props and
materials. In this area, we get a glimpse of what Aperture Science must have
been like in its heyday. We used rich, warm colors and materials like carpeting
and marble to indicate that Aperture had a lot of money at one time. Cave
Johnson and his staff were just starting out in their enterprise and everyone
was eager to do science. This stands in contrast to the stark, cavernous
environment outside and the materials you see in the Aperture Labs from later
decades. As the player makes their way through more recent areas of the lab,
the materials become cheaper, with an abundance of plastic and linoleum showing
that Aperture had fallen on harder times and could no longer build high-quality
offices for its workers."
"[Tim Larkin] The newer and older versions of Aperture show their distinct
personalities in sound as well as visuals. The doors, floors and buttons, as
well as soundscapes, reflect the aging, outdated 70’s feel. The sounds contain
hints of the decaying metal and wood. The newer but unstable Wheatley chamber
soundscapes become more foreboding and perilous the further you venture into
them. The atmosphere of uncontrolled destruction continues to intensify till
the end."
"[Dave Kircher] The levels in Portal 2 are much more complex than in the first
game, and as a result we’ve had to beef up the player movement algorithms. The
player is represented as an axis-aligned box in the world, which creates a
problem for portal teleportation because portal teleportation is almost never
axis-aligned. To improve how we handle this, we trace the player as the axis-
aligned bounding box they would use on each side of a portal simultaneously and
merge the results into something usable. We have to predict quite a bit more
than previous Source Engine games because portals and projected entities change
the way the player moves through the world. Prediction itself is a mind bending
headache when dealing with portals. We’re already dealing with a non-linear
space. Now we also have to deal with non-linear time in a non-linear space."
"[Matt T. Wood] In laying out the structure of our Hub, we had a number of
challenges that were new and specific to co-op play. We have to assume that
each player has made different progress throughout the game, playing with
different partners, and starting in the neutral center of the hub was a way of
making sure that they had a chance and place to coordinate. Players needed a
way to agree on where to go, and way to visualize each other's completion data.
As they played, they needed concrete feedback on how much progress they had
made. In seeking solutions, we felt it was important to keep the player in the
gamespace rather than resorting to menus and UI that would take them out of the
game. Therefore, players can clearly see their status over the doors, and they
navigate by walking the course in the 3D space. GLaDOS is there to connect the
experience to the singleplayer game, while holding the player's hands a bit to
keep the co-op goals and feedback clear."
"[Gautam Babbar] Our initial goal in designing the hub was to provide players
with a lot of choices, so they could to sample a variety of game types.  The
idea was that if they got stuck or needed a break, they could pick another test
chamber or another mechanic to explore.  In reality, this prevented us from
doing sufficient training and limited the overall scope of the puzzles.  With
such a flat structure, it was much harder to layer old mechanics onto new ones,
because we couldn't guarantee that players understood what they needed to know
to solve a puzzle.  By going linear, we could guarantee prior knowledge and
provide a much better experience, more satisfying pacing and a story that
gathered momentum over a long period of time."
"[Ted Backman] We have a taunt where one robot steals the other's core. When
implemented, it was the only taunt that required one person to initiate.
Because of this we were afraid that it would be used for griefing. We were in
the process of rethinking our approach when early playtesters rated this as
their favorite taunt.  It was also the most used team taunt because it only
required one player to initiate, and was easier to use than the others.  We
ended up changing all the other team taunts to emulate the way stealing the
core works."
"[Josh Weier] Early on we realized that trying to tell your partner where to
go, where to look or where to place a portal was going to be really hard.  Even
with voice chat, saying 'over there' doesn't give enough information to your
partner within the 3D space.  Players kept wanting to get up and point directly
at their partner's screen.  We developed the ping tool to address this problem.
Because the ping tool was so important, we decided to train players in its use
before we did anything else.  We held back on the vast majority of player
actions and let the players focus entirely on the ping tool.  This is why the
co-op bots start separated in a tube, without even the ability to walk or shoot
a portal."
"[Iestyn Bleasdale-Shepherd] Most players don't realize that the ping tool is
context sensitive.  When they are playing voice enabled, players usually rely
on the look portion of the ping tool.   Without voice, icons such as 'press the
button' or 'stand here' become much more important."
"[Brian Jacobson] It is important to give co-op players a way to coordinate
their action.  Seeing how our players naturally wanted this ability, we decided
to support it with the ping timer,  and ended up designing some puzzles around
it.  Due to lag and other issues, syncing up actions over voice chat turned out
to be rather difficult.  Therefore we created the countdown timer as a way for
players to keep in sync.  It's completely predictable.  Both players see the GO
at the same instant, and the clocks run in sync even if they are on different
"[Chris Boyd] Something that really surprised us was how often playtesters
stated that they loved the basic experience of handing off a cube to their
partner.  Players didn't expect such a fundamental physical interaction to just
work in a game.  Before trying it for the first time, they would discuss their
plan as if it were some unique or special new game mechanic.  When it just
worked, they were overjoyed."
"[Andrea Wicklund] Normally in games, when players die, they see this as a big
failure.  But in Portal, death is a normal part of the puzzle solving
experience.  In co-op, death not only happens more frequently, but it can
happen at the hands of your partner (purely accidentally of course).  We felt
it was important to not only make death \"no big deal,\" but to make it fun.
Early on, we tried some elaborate death animations--such as showing your robot
slowly getting crushed under a giant crusher.  These were awesome to watch, but
they quickly became repetitive.  Also, after a very short while, players grew
afraid to take risks.  The fear of having to wait a long time before trying
again prevented them from simply playing and experimenting in a spirit of fun.
We had to find the right balance where death was quick enough to be a non-
penalty, and elaborate enough to be visceral and satisfying--a fun pay-off for
creative play."
"[Danika Wright] Since the co-op characters can die at any time, we needed a
way to rebuild them quickly and often.  Therefore in co-op, we replaced the
elevators that connected test chambers in singleplayer, with disassembly
machines.  These are meant to reinforce the idea that since the robots are
disposable, being destroyed is no big deal.  In the robot world, it happens all
the time!"
"[Garret Rickey] Airlocks were introduced mainly as a way to allow players to
focus on individual puzzles.  In some of our early investigations, areas
contained puzzles that were meant to be solved as a group, as well as others
that were for individual solution.  But we found that if players could move
freely between them, they logically assumed that the individual puzzles were
part of one big puzzle.  This had bad results.  For clarity, we created these
airlock-like spawn rooms that act as checkpoints between puzzles.  Once both
players enter the airlock, we lock off access."
"[Gary McTaggart] In Left 4 Dead 2, we authored simple, fogged, black versions
of the world as monolithic models to avoid the CPU overhead of rendering the
world again for water reflections. This worked well for the Left 4 Dead 2
outdoor environments where most light comes from the sky.  But Portal 2 is
almost entirely indoors, so the color and value of the world geometry is
apparent in the water reflections. Since the Portal 2 world geometry is
relatively simple, we automatically build a version of the world geometry that
has a single texture that combines both lighting and surface shading along with
another texture with just surface shading. The latter texture is used when
rendering dynamic lights.  These textures are at the same spatial resolution as
the light maps and get packed into a single large atlased texture per level.
Drawing this simple world imposter model takes very little CPU time, which was
a limited resource on Portal 2 due to the many portal views, split-screen
views, and water reflection views that we needed to render. We initially
planned on using the world imposters only for water reflection rendering, but
we ended up using it to improve performance in split-screen mode where it is
used for rendering distant portals and portals that are two levels deep.  We
also use the world imposters to render water in full screen co-op mode, to give
us some performance overhead, since the co-op mode has more portal views to
render than single-player mode."
"[David Feise] With the gel sounds for Portal 2 we wanted to create something
whimsical that would add to the player’s enjoyment of the mechanics, without
crossing over the line into ludicrousness.  For example, our initial pass at
the blue gel 'bounce' sound included a rubber playground ball, a pitch-bent
harp string and a processed mouth harp.  The resulting sound captured the idea
of fun, but was off the charts on the goofy scale.  After several iterations we
settled on the current, less over-the-top sound which features a piece of metal
bar bouncing like a diving board and a heavy dose of synthesis.  It’s not as
wacky, but hopefully it’s still fun."
"[Andrew Burke] In our first implementation, gestures were automatically
selected based on the player's context.  For example, Blue might do a special
gesture when standing on a floor button. Players became bored of seeing these
gestures so quickly that they stopped using them before discovering any of the
special contexts.  Because of this, we decided to give players control of
gestures as a way to express themselves, but when shown the full set from the
start, they were overwhelmed by all the choices. By awarding gestures as the
game progresses, we allow players to familiarize themselves with each gesture
in turn.  Leaving visible empty slots in the gesture wheel lets players
anticipate that they'll be rewarded with cool new gestures as they progress.
The gesture wheel provides quick access so that players can feel comfortable
tossing out a gesture during down time, letting them pick the perfect moment to
share a high five."
"[Matthew Scott] We noticed that after playtesters had solved a difficult
puzzle together, they'd sometimes pause before funneling through the exit door
to repeatedly jump up and down in excitement. We realized that these meeting
points would be the perfect time to allow players to high-five each other and
celebrate their victory in style. Our first interface attempt had one player
initiate a high five by holding their hand up and waiting, the other player
could join in by selecting the same gesture. If they were standing in the
correct positions relative to each other, they would pull off a high five. But
learning the correct places to stand was too difficult. So we decided to
automatically move the bots into the correct positions for the high five.
Sometimes, however, the player who wanted to high five would be left hanging as
the other player ran ahead without accepting. Increasing the time that the
initiator waited with his hand up gave the other player time to return and
accept, but being frozen in place for more than a few seconds was too
frustrating. So finally, we made players auto-accept the team gestures. Now,
when the mood strikes either player, the game always ensures a successful
"[Keith Lango] For a while, we were on the fence about whether to keep the team
taunt 'hug' in the game.  Some felt it wasn’t suitably robotic,  while others
had a concern that it perhaps showed too much emotion for these characters.
But once it was animated for a trade show trailer, many of our concerns were
washed away by the positive reaction of the fans.  It was a huge success."
"[Tristan Reidford] Visual design of robots began with lots of concept art.
The initial round of concepts explored all kind of forms from human to the more
abstract. We found ourselves gravitating toward shapes that reminded us of the
sphere and turret in the original Portal.  Whilst keeping with the established
portal design aesthetic, we were keen to create all new characters, and, being
a duo, it was important that they were their own separate designs, rather than
identical copies of each other.  Unlike, for instance, Team Fortress 2, where a
clean silhouette is essential for communicating the nature of a character, we
had an opportunity here to play with designs that were a bit messy, with things
sticking out of them, so they looked half manufactured, half improvised.  Once
we had agreed on rough designs in 2D, we began to build the shapes in 3D, and
this is where the next level of improvisation and experimentation occurred.
Usually, a model will be designed and built in 3d and then rigged for
animation, but here we allowed the rigging process to inform the models.  We
wanted to celebrate the mechanics of robots. We allowed function to dictate
form, and in terms of detail they started to design themselves once you start
thinking about motors, ball joints, actuators, and all that sort of thing.  The
classic duo is often made up of the two contrasting body types--short and squat
next to tall and wiry, and it's not hard to see Laurel and Hardy, C3P0 and
R2D2, in these characters.   Even though we had the freedom to make our
silhouettes a bit untidy, it was still important that they remain readable as
anthropomorphic bipeds.  We wanted players to feel free to make mischief for
their partners, in a typically human way, but without creating any kind of
gore.  The robots were perfect for this."
"[Aaron Nicholls] We felt that most players of Portal, ourselves included,
wanted more opportunities to look behind the scenes of Aperture--and not only
into deserted crawlspaces, but into the vital heart of the factory.  The turret
factory was a way for us to satisfy this desire, while also answering the
nagging question of where all the stuff in the facility came from.  Because we
constantly allude to the turret creation process throughout the game, it is
satisfying from a story standpoint, to finally stand before the machine you've
been hearing about.  By showing how turrets are made, it's easy enough to
extrapolate a similar creation path for all the other items that Aperture
generates only to be consumed by the endless process of product testing.  We
designed an entire life cycle for the poor doomed turrets, from creation,
product testing, error detection, packaging, and their ultimate unpackaging
prior to being recycled.  In fact, the turrets never make it to shipping.  As
soon as a turret is completely finished and packed in a box, it is immediately
sent to the un-boxer, where it goes on to recycling and begins its life anew.
Thus we show Aperture continually building and repurposing its items in the
most inefficient way imaginable.  We never got around to building the actual
unboxer, but what we pictured was that it was located immediately below the
boxing machine.  And while the turrets would be reduced to their components,
the boxes would be discarded and end up in a steadily growing mountain of
unrecycled packing materials."
"[Matt Charlesworth] The Frankenturrets were an attempt to show one of the ways
Wheatley has been spending his time since he threw the player down into the
Underground. Using his limited brain, it didn't seem like he could have come up
with a lot, so the idea of using objects he'd have access to seemed
appropriate. The turret and the cube are the two most iconic portal objects and
the frankenturret is little more than a crude combination of those two objects.
The hermit crab animation when you pick the cubes up began as a necessity
because we really needed to make them act like cubes when you held them. It
ended up being so cute that it became a simple job of making the turret widen
its eye and shake its head a little, to convey to the player that these things
were disrupted, and had no idea who or what they were anymore, and also to make
the player feel sympathetic towards their plight. We used a combination of  in
game physics pushes and canned Maya animation to allow the player freedom to
move them wherever they wanted, line up races between them, or even set them up
so they would walk, inevitably to their doom, into a fizzler."
"[Richard Lord] The Wheatley model was designed as a mechanical version of the
original Portal 1 personality sphere. Originally they filled a very similar
role to that in Portal 1,  so we needed one base model which could hold a lot
of different expressions. Experimenting with different rigging ideas we came up
with the onion skin design where a number of spherical plates could slide
around inside each other all supported on a small motion platform mounted on a
gyroscope. This meant that no matter what expression Wheatley was pulling, he
always retained his spherical shape. The modelers and the animators
collaborated closely on these early tests to make sure the design supported the
range of expression needed to satisfy any personality sphere that got designed.
Lots of ideas were thrown out, such as a small internal robot arm that Wheatley
could pull out of one of his ports and pull himself around with. We were
careful to make the mechanics look plausible, but we had to cheat the eyelids,
since they ended up being a physical impossibility.  There was no way all that
geometry could fit into the space around his eye without clipping out the other
side, but they were such an essential feature of the model that we resorted to
crushing them up inside the eye where the player can't see them."
"[Jeremy Bennett] Vacuum pipes cropped up occasionally in the original Portal,
but this time we wanted to show that this was the main way that Aperture
transported all of its supplies about the facility. It felt very true to
Aperture, in that it seemed like an inefficient and ridiculously expensive
solution to their transport problems. We also wanted it to feel more violent
and physical than before, with objects constantly ricocheting against the sides
of the pipes.  It was as if Aperture had no real control over the system, and
no real care for the things they were transporting. After all, they have
thousands of the things."
"[Matt Wright] When the player first encounters the robot arms, we wanted to
convey that they were still coming back online.  The idea was that GLaDOS was
just waking up and hadn't yet fully regained control of them. Slowly, over the
course of the first few levels of this act, she gets more sure of herself, and
her ability to alter and mess with the lab increases. The arms presented a
number of challenges, the key one being interaction with the player.  It was
easy for the player to get stuck behind or inside of the models if they did
something too complex. So we had to limit most of the arm action to the walls
or ceilings of the test chambers, and we restricted their use on a larger scale
to areas where we could be sure of the player's location."
"[Ido Magal] With the vacuum tubes such a big part of Portal 2, we designed the
new elevators to work within them. We liked the idea that this made the player
feel about as important to Aperture as the cargo moving through the tube, and
it also gave us plenty of opportunities to show how the system could go wrong,
such as when the tube gets blocked, or when cargo rains down on the elevator.
The videos began as attempts to visualize some of GLaDOS's dialogue, but
evolved into a means of relaying information about the larger world of
Aperture. It seemed very likely to us that Aperture would boast to the test
subjects about the devices they were testing, and show them the clever ideas
they had put into the products. The videos also serve as a reward for
completing the test chambers, and a way to make the elevators visually
different from one another to prevent repetition."
"[Marc Nagel] The faith plate was originally a robot arm model which we
hurriedly placed into the maps to see if the gameplay was fun.  Over time it
became apparent that playtesters were struggling to tell the faithplate apart
from the standard arm, so we replaced it with a new design. It was meant to be
a simple heavy weight which was flung upwards, propelling the player. The
length is meant to imply a direction, so the player knows the intended flight
path before they step onto it. We experimented with foot marks and treadplates
on the design, but it quickly became confusingly busy, so we kept the design
"[Torsten Zabka] The stalemate resolution button is the earliest configuration
of the robot arms we tried. Playtesters enjoyed it, but it took us a long time
to find the right place for it in the game. It clearly needed to be defending
something, and for a while it defended a paranoid personality sphere who had
built a huge encampment of defenses to stop you from getting to him. When the
idea for the stalemate button came up, we knew it had finally found its home as
part of GLaDOS's last desperate attempt at self-preservation."
"[Matthew Russell] Originally GLaDOS was built to curl up and disguise herself
as one of her rings, potentially explaining how she had survived the explosion
at the end of Portal 1.  But this wasn't a very dramatic reveal, so we threw it
out in favour of spreading her out over a greater distance. This also made her
more recognizable as GLaDOS when you initially crossed the room. The actual
wakeup animation was a combination of simulated animation with a layer of hand
keyed animation over the top.  A two-stage model was created for this scene.
The first stage had separate pieces and connecting cables that would be drawn
together by running a physics simulation so that the pieces would interact with
the environment. Physics simulations were also used to break apart the objects
GLaDOS crashes into while she writhes around.  At the point where GLaDOS rises
free of contact with the ground, she switches instantaneously to a fully
connected model with controls for hand-keyed animation. From this point, the
animator enhanced GLaDOS' awakening by hand, choreographing the violent chaos
of her re-emerging consciousness while at the same time conveying the weight of
a machine the size of an airliner. Once the hand-keyed animation was done, a
final simulation pass was run to animate the cables and dangling parts of
GLaDOS' body. The scene was produced very rapidly for an E3 deadline, and a
traditional rig for the sequence was never fully realized. This made it
difficult when we extended the sequence after E3 to add further animation, but
we accomplished it by bearing in mind that GLaDOS herself is pretty broken at
this point.  The last part of the sequence requires the player to lose control
of their view while being immobilized by a giant mechanical pincher. Once the
controlled camera takes over, a careful alignment and time synchronization was
required to make all the hand-animated models and camera interact with each
other. Each of the stages in this wakeup scene contain a variety of processes
that are very challenging to achieve live in a game engine."
"[Brett English] Similar to the way the student game Narbacular Drop became the
original Portal, the paint mechanics in Portal 2 come from a student game,
Tag: The Power of Paint.  The repulsion gel in Portal 2 is modeled after the
bounce paint from Tag, but was redesigned to fit better within Portal.  The
original bounce paint always bounced the player at a fixed height and activated
whenever the player touched the paint.  We changed the repulsion gel to reflect
the player's velocity, such that they will bounce back up to the height that
they fell from.  This mechanic lends itself better to puzzles involving portals
because players have to think about gaining and preserving height.  We also
changed the repulsion gel to only activate if the player jumps off of, or falls
on to the gel.  This was done because players would often accidently walk onto
repulsion gel they didn't see and then trigger an unwanted bounce.  This was a
particularly nasty problem in Portal 2 because the player couldn't get rid of
paint once it was applied; whereas in Tag the player can erase paint at any
time they want."
"[Ted Rivera] While re-implementing the paint mechanics from our student game,
Tag: The Power of Paint, in the context of Portal 2, the biggest change we made
was to exclude the paint gun. In Tag, our paint gun allowed the player to paint
the environment freely in an abstract outdoor environment, but in our gameplay
experiments, that was very difficult to constrain without contrivance in Portal
2's indoor spaces. It also changed the game's pacing significantly, since being
able to run at high speed around a level covering everything in paint is lot
more fast paced, energetic, and often scattershot than Portal's more cerebral
gameplay. Perhaps most importantly, there's a certain elegance in the
simplicity of manipulating all the game elements using only the portal gun.
Adding a new gun would inherently add complexity and force us to start from
square one training the player how to use this new tool, instead of focusing on
the game's namesake. Instead, we decided to use the established mechanism of
the delivery tubes and have players redirect the flow of the paint with their
portal guns. This felt like a good compromise."
"[Tejeev Kohli] We needed a puzzle that would demonstrate the different effects
that the fizzler has on the game. This map was consistently the one that most
of our playtesters would get stuck on and we tried various things to make the
puzzle easier to understand. Originally this room had 2 fizzlers in it and was
divided up into three distinct areas. This proved to be too complicated and
almost none of our playtesters could solve the puzzle. We removed the second
fizzler and simplified the layout of the room quite a bit but most of our
playtesters were still getting stuck on it. We identified the problem to be the
space above the fizzler. Originally this space was completely open, but that
didn’t effectively convey to the players that they needed to shoot a portal
above the fizzler. We then tried putting glass with several holes in it above
the fizzler. This was slightly more effective as players would know that the
holes are there for a purpose and would try to solve the puzzle by shooting
portals through the holes. The map was still not testing well though, as
players could not figure out which side of the fizzler they needed to be on
when they shot their portals. We then changed it to have only a single hole
through the glass, moved down to the eye level of the player, so that shooting
the portal from either side of the fizzler would be a valid solution. This
change tested really well and we started seeing most of our playtesters make it
through the level without getting stuck on it for a long time."
"[Bronwen Grimes] We originally planned to use the same emancipation grid
effect we'd used in Portal 1.  We were surprised to hear during several of our
early playtests that players thought this map was the first time they'd
encountered one. Players walk through at least one emancipation grid in almost
every map.  Playtesters also weren't able to report the grid's properties.
That indicated to us that we needed to better communicate when an interaction
was occurring.  Our challenge was to create an effect that was more noticeable
to players, but didn't look so solid or so threatening that players wouldn't
attempt to walk through it. We chose to keep the cool color scheme, and
reinforce the non-threatening nature of the field by mimicking the kind of
water caustics you'd find in a shallow swimming pool.  To communicate that the
grid blocks portal placement, we added flashes whenever the player shoots one.
To warn players that the grid will destroy objects brought through it, we added
a vortex effect that increases in intensity as objects get near. Once these
changes went in, playtest feedback demonstrated that players noticed the
emancipation grids earlier and had a much better understanding of their
"[Bank Charnchaichujit] Propulsion gel carried over almost exactly the same as
the speed paint in the student game, Tag: The Power of Paint, except that it is
slightly more than twice as fast. Propulsion gel combined well with the
existing mechanics of Portal, such as flinging, and it also went well with the
repulsion gel for long jumps. We had to tweak the player's control on
propulsion gel to feel right in the Portal universe, and also added a slight
funneling effect to help guide the player when they are speeding into a
"[Sergiy Migdalskiy] One of the things that the student game Tag: The Power of
Paint didn't allow was painting of other objects, since this would have been
too trivial in that game.  In Portal 2, however, moving paint around became a
puzzle in and of itself, so we began to create puzzles that depended on
painting objects. Bouncy boxes and turrets were an obvious choice, and adding
this mechanic extended our toolbox to include objects whose basic properties of
movement could be changed by the player."
"[Vitaliy Genkin] Portal paint was the last paint we added to the game, and for
a long time we weren’t sure of the best way to use it. We experimented with the
delivery method and found that it was most effective when it was deployed in
large quantities.  Another important factor was the angle of application.
Dropping the paint at an angle allowed the player to play more freely with the
paint, which gave them the liberating feeling of breaking the rules by being
able to place portals where they couldn’t before."
"[Adam Foster] While making Portal 2, we explored our way through vast
quantities of reference material. Inspirations included photos of NASA’s Apollo
and Shuttle programs, CERN’s particle accelerators both modern and obsolete,
industrial robots, derelict Soviet space shuttles, overgrown temples, Brussels
metro stations, seedy American motels, junkyards filled with rocketry
equipment, Chinese apartment blocks under construction, Polish shipyards,
neutrino detectors deep underground in nickel mines, corporate headquarters
from a variety of eras, commercial nuclear reactors, experimental fusion
reactors, rain-sodden book depositories in Detroit, peculiar cameras, forgotten
space probes, you name it."
"[Chris Chin]  The lake map marks a total reset to the aesthetics and scale of
the environments up to this point in the game. You come into the underground
cave compressed and as you progress further into the map, your eye is drawn
upwards by the elevator tower, sparking cables, falling debris, and finally the
test spheres which recede vertically into nothingness. This looking upwards
gives the player sense of the vastness of Aperture before GLaDOS and a visual
sense of the daunting climb they will have to make to get back to Wheatley. The
open areas encourage the player to explore their surroundings and take a break
from the intensive puzzle solving of the test chambers."
"[Chet Faliszek] Writing GLaDOS for co-op introduces some interesting problems.
In single player you can count on players paying attention and being caught up
in important moments.  In co-op, you can count on the two players chatting
about what they just did as GLaDOS delivers an important line.  To help with
this issue, we broke up the story beats into smaller sections so players don’t
become impatient. We also repeat the points multiple times to insure the
message sinks in even if you missed it a few times.  Lastly, we also give
players room to talk.  For example when you die, there is a two second beat for
you to laugh or yell before GLaDOS speaks.  It is important to give those
places for players to speak because the best part about co-op is the shared
"[Jeep Barnett] This puzzle requires one of Portal’s trickiest logical leaps.
Early playtesters often took longer than their patience would allow, and were
nearly ripping out their hair by the time they’d finally solved it. But almost
everyone insisted that the payoff was by far their favorite moment in all of
co-op. We significantly reduced the average solution time by adding a puzzle
just before this where two cubes repeatedly collide, but this almost completely
robbed the appeal from what was once a high moment. So, instead we decided to
make a few subtle adjustments and leave players with the responsibility to make
the final leap. First we added a puzzle four  chambers earlier, to teach
players to fling by cutting their hard light bridge and falling into a surface
directly below. We then subconsciously prime the thought of midair collision by
having players repeatedly ricochet weighted spheres against a hard light
bridge. Finally, we designed this room’s layout, lighting, and decals so that
players would see the entire space as a symmetrical whole and visualize the
bots' fling path. By planting shards of the idea in their heads, we allow
players to own that exciting dual collision epiphany while keeping their sanity
"[Eric Tams] Several puzzles in the game require the players to take on
distinct, intertwined roles. We called these asymmetric chambers 'Trust
Puzzles,' because one player is often placing their life in the hands of the
other. When one player accidentally kills the other it almost always ends in
laughter. So much laughter, that we sometimes had to question if it really was
a legitimate accident. These puzzles also require players to stay in constant
communication, which naturally leads to some great moments of cooperative
bonding. While some teams found these stressful, for many partners, these
puzzles were their favorite type. But everyone agreed that they added needed
variety and a nice change of pace.  And by swapping roles, each player can get
an entirely different experience within the exact same puzzle."
"[Matthew Scott] Weighted spheres first appeared in one of Portal 1's advanced
chambers. For Portal 2, we accidently made them bouncy and it was too much fun
chasing them to change it. In co-op, we wanted players to use teamwork to catch
an object, and while a cube might have landed safely, a sphere will bounce and
roll out of bounds. So, in this chamber we drop a bunch of spheres as a fun
visual reward, and we wanted to trick players into saying 'balls' over the
"[Realm Lovejoy] We thought of making a whole new character for Portal 2, but
we didn't want to lose the relationship between GLaDOS and Chell that began in
Portal 1. Once we decided to stay with Chell, we wanted to improve her look:
updating her leg springs and jumpsuit to have a more functional design. At the
same time, we didn't want players to not recognize her, so we kept a lot of the
iconic elements like the color orange. She has folded down her jumpsuit to show
she has essentially rolled up her sleeves and shed some of the Aperture
label...she is awake again to test, but stronger and more determined than
"[Marc Laidlaw] Project Lil is our codename for an internal push to make our
comments more accessible to the whole Valve community.  It was pointed out to
us in mail from a fan that in some of our previous commentary, the designers
referred unfailingly to the gamer as a 'he.'  Although in natural speech, most
of us normally tend to say \"they\" and \"their\" rather than \"he\" and
\"his,\" some stuffy overactive minion of the grammar police went through and
revised all those usages to make them conform to an oppressive gender-biased
rule.  However, research shows that \"they\" and \"their\" is a perfectly
acceptable and even older form, and we are happy to fall back on it and let
people talk the way they normally talk, and screw the so-called rules that
alienate our fans.  Thanks, Lil."
"[Bill Van Buren] It took a while for us to dial in the right approach for the
co-op bot vocalizations. Initially we recorded some in-house vocal performances
and processed them heavily with the resulting sounds being very robotic.
However, as the animations being created for the bots were so broad and
expressive, we soon realized we were going to need to try a different sonic
approach.  After a few more in-house experiments, we brought in Dee Bradley
Baker, who we had worked with to create the voices for some of Left 4 Dead’s
Special Infected. We worked with Dee to come up with two distinct vocal and
character approaches for the bots and recorded a range of responses for each.
Afterward, two of our sound designers each took on one of the voices and came
up with a unique sound-processing approach to create a distinct sonic
personality for each bot, that still allowed the energy and expression of Dee’s
performances to shine through. In the following samples you can hear what they
sounded like in Dee’s original performance, and the result after the sound
designers got through with them."
"[Kutta Srinivasan] Wheatley used to have different kinds of attacks, other
than lobbing bombs.  At one point, we tried attaching several turrets to him
that he could point at you.  This proved too punishing, however, and they were
removed.  We also tried crusher panels that Wheatley could try to smash you
with.  This, once again, proved too punishing since players were focused on
what Wheatley was doing and would often get hit by a crusher they weren't
looking at."
"[Aaron Barber] Wheatley's first test was really fun to make because we wanted
it to feel like he was a first-time level designer. We see a lot of maps where
people try using different textures or lights to write words or put their names
on the walls."
"[Michael Marcus] Our initial idea for this version of Wheatley was to replace
GLaDOS's eye with Wheatley's, but it wasn't a big enough change to see the
difference. Instead we put Wheatley onto GLaDOS's rig, and gave him a puffed
out look, like he's trying to make himself look big, using wall tiles."


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