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Game Script by Ayelis

Version: 2.1 | Updated: 10/22/2009

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Game Script for Valve's Orange Box title; Portal
Author- Ayelis
E-mail- S [dot] Mattison at Gmail [dot] Com
Version- 2.1
This script was made with help from various sources around the internet. It 
includes, as far as I am aware, everything said in the game, word for word. If 
anything appears wrong or out of place, please email me.

In addition, the ascii art above is not actual ASCII art from the game. In my
opinion, this cake ASCII looks better than "Glados' Rendition". So sue me! :P

If you like this script, you should check out my FuturePinball table!

[Table of Contents]
To find a specific section, just search for the exact phrases listed below.

[Table of Contents]
[Aperture Science]
[Curiosity Sphere]
[Cake Sphere]
[Still Alive]

[GLaDOS says this if you place a portal on the wall under a camera.]
"To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy 
Vital Testing Apparatus."
"For your own safety, do not destroy Vital Testing Apparatus."
"Certain objects may be vital to your success. Do not destroy Vital Testing 
"At the Enrichment Center we promise never to value your safety above your 
unique ideas and creativity. However, do not destroy Vital Testing Apparatus."
"Vital Testing Apparatus destroyed."

[GLaDOS says this if you throw a cube into acid.]
"Weighted Storage Cube destroyed. Please proceed to the Aperture Science Vital 
Apparatus Vent for a replacement."

[GLaDOS says this if you try and bring a cube through a fizzler.]
"Please do not attempt to remove testing apparatus from the testing area. A 
replacement Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube will be delivered shortly."

[The turrets say this when they see you]
"Target Acquired"
"Dispensing Product"
"Hello Friend"
"There you are"
"I see you"

[The turrets say this when you leave their field of vision]
"Sentry Mode Activated"
"Is anyone there?"
"Could you come over here?"
"Are you still there?"
"Target lost"
"Can I help you?"

[The turrets say this when you pick them up]
"Put me down"
"Illegal operation"
"Who are you"
"Please put me down"
"Uh oh."

[The turrets say this when they get shot by other turrets]
"Hey, it's me!"
"Don't Shoot!"
"Stop shooting!

[The turrets say this when they knock a turret over]
"Coming through"
"Excuse me"
"My fault"

[The turrets say this when you take them through a fizzler]

[The turrets say this when they are deployed]
"Preparing to dispense product"
"There you are"
"Who's there?"

[The turrets say this when you disable them]
*nervous laughter*
"Critical Error"
"Sorry, we're closed"
"Shutting down"
"I don't blame you"
"I don't hate you"
"No hard feelings"
"Self test error"
"Unknown error"
"Good bye"
"Sleep mode activated"
"Your business is appreciated"
"Good night"
"Nap time"

"Hello and again welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment 
Center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a 
pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin 
the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and 
learning are the primary goals of the enrichment center activities, serious 
injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, please 
refrain from-"

"Excellent. Please proceed into the Chamber-lock after completing each test. 
First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This 
Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grille will vapourize any unauthorized 
equipment that passes through it. For instance, the Aperture Science Weighted 
Storage Cube."

"Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the 1500 megawatt Aperture Science 
Heavy Duty Super-colliding Super-button."

"Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamber-lock, as the effects of prolonged 
exposure to the button are not part of this test."

"You're doing very well. Please be advised that a noticable taste of blood is 
not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture 
Science Material Emancipation Grille, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate 
dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth."

"Very good. You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal 
Device. With it, you can create your own portals. These inter-dimensional gates 
have proven to be completely safe. The device, however, has not. Do not touch 
the operational end of the device. Do not look directly at the operational end 
of the device. Do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially. Most 
importantly, under no circumstances should you-"

"Please proceed to the chamber-lock. Mind the gap."

"Well done. Remember, the Aperture Science 'Bring your daughter to work' day is 
the perfect time to have her tested."

"Welcome to Test Chamber 04. You're doing quite well."

"Once again, excellent work. As part of a required test protocol, we will not 
monitor the next test chamber. You will be entirely on your own. Good luck."

"As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we 
would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication. Good job. As part 
of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three, two, 

"While safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals, the Aperture Science 
High-Energy Pellets seen to the left of the chamber can and have caused 
permanent disabilities, such as vapourisation. Please be careful."

"Unbelievable! You, {SUBJECT NAME HERE}, must be the pride of

"Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, alarms and 
flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate the High Energy Pellet, and 
have therefore been disabled for your safety."

"Good, now use the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold to reach the chamber-

"Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the 
chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing 
record. Followed by death. Good luck!"

"Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device 
to enhance your testing experience."

"The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. 
Make no attempt to solve it."

[If you have trouble, or wait to solve the puzzle]
"The Enrichment Center apologizes for this clearly broken test chamber."

"Once again, the Enrichment Center offers it's most sincere apologies on the 
occasion of this unsolvable test environment."

"Frankly, this chamber was a mistake. If we were you, we would quit now."

"No one will blame you for giving up. In fact, quitting at this point is a 
perfectly reasonable response."

"Quit now and cake will be served immediately."

[When you finally solve the puzzle]
"Fantastic. You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme

"Hello again, to reiterate- -previous- -momentum."

"Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum,
or to be more precise, how it does not."

"Momentum; A function of mass and velocity; is conserved between portals. In
layman's terms: Speedy-thing goes in, Speedy-thing comes out."

"The Enrichment Center promises to always provide safe testing environments. In
dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always
provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid

[If you manage to get stuck in this level]
"Through no fault of the enrichment center, you have managed to trap yourself
in this room. An escape hatch will open in three, two, one..."

"The device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals
at once. As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an
amusing fact. The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined
incomes of everyone in {SUBJECT HOMETOWN HERE}"

"-fling yourself- -fling into s-"


"Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very,
very long time. If you become lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out.
An intubation associate will be dispatched to revive you with peptic salve and

[If you manage to get stuck in this level]
"Despite the best efforts of the Enrichment Center Staff to ensure the safe
performance of all authorized activities, you have managed to ensnare yourself
inside this room. A complimentary escape hatch will open in three, two, one..."

"As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie
to you. When the testing is over, you will be... Missed."

"All subjects intending to handle high-energy gamma-leaking portal technology
must be informed that they may be informed of applicable regulatory compliance
issues. No further compliance information is required or will be provided, and
you are an excellent test subject."

"Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has been activated in the main

"The Enrichment Center is committed to the well-being of all participants. Cake
and Grief Counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank you
for helping us help you help us all."

"Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture
Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!"

"Due to mandatory scheduled maintanence, the appropriate chamber for this
testing sequence is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a
live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center
apologizes for the inconvenience, and wishes you the best of luck."

"Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that Android
Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."

"The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in three, two,

"This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber.
Please take care of it."

"The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are
superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The
Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never
threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."

"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot
speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment
Center urges you to disregard its advice."

"You did it! The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck.
However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and must,
unfortunately, be euthanized. Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture
Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."

[If you wait to dispose of your cube, the following phrases play]
"Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the
Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects for all
moral responsibility for the companion cube euthanizing process."

"While it has been a faithful companion, your companion cube cannot accompany
you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center
takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go
on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to

"Testing cannot continue until your companion cube has been incinerated."

"Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture
Science engineers believe that the companion cube is most likely incapable of
feeling much pain."

"The companion cube cannot continue through the testing. State and local
statutory regulations prohibit it from simply remaining here, alone and
companionless. You must euthanize it."

"Destroy your companion cube or the testing cannot continue."

"Place your companion cube in the incinerator."

"Incinerate your companion cube."

[When you dispose of your cube]
"You euthanised your faithful companion cube more quickly than any test subject
on record. Congratulations."

"The experiment is nearing its conclusion. The Enrichment Center is required to
remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake."

"Well done. Be advised that the next test requires exposure to uninsulated
electrical parts that may be dangerous under certain conditions. For more
information, please attend an Enrichment Center Electrical Safety Seminar."

"Welcome to the final test. When you are done, you will drop the device in the
Equipment Recovery Annex. Enrichment Center regulations require both hands to
be empty before any cake-"

"Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely
operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no
chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.
Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment
activity. Goodbye."

[Aperture Science]
[Various quotes are spoken at various times after your escape from the fire]
"What are you doing? Stop it! I-i-i-i-i-... Weeee are pleased that you made it
through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We
are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your
tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach
with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect
you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume
the 'Party Escort Submission Position' or you will miss the party."

"Stop what you are doing, and assume the Party Escort Submission Position."

"Stop. The device will detonate if removed from an approved testing area."

"Hello? Where are you? I know you're there. I can feel you here."

"What are you doing? You haven't escaped, you know."

"You're not even going the right way. Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Where do you think you're going? Because I don't think you're going where you
think you're going."

"I'm not angry. Just go back to the testing area."

"You really shouldn't be here. This isn't safe for you."

"It's not too late for you to turn back."

"Maybe you think you're helping yourself, but you're not. This isn't helping
anyone. Someone is going to get badly hurt."

"Okay, the test is over now. You win! Go back to the recovery annex for your

"It was a fun test, and we're all impressed at how much you won. The test is
over. Come back."

"Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they cut it
anyway. There is still some left, if you hurry back."

"I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you."

"I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone."

"This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this."

"You're not a good person, you know that, right? Good people don't end up

"This isn't brave. It's murder."

"What did I ever do to you?"

"The difference between us is that I can feel pain. You don't even care, do
you? Did you hear me? I said you don't care. Are you listening?"

"This is your last chance."

"I feel sorry for you, really. Because you're not even in the right place."

"You should have turned left before. It's funny, actually, when you think about

"Someday we'll remember this and laugh- and laugh- and laugh- Ohhh Boyyy. Well,
You may as well come on back."

"Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into
the fire pit and i said 'Goodbye' and you were like 'NNOO WWAAYY", and then I
was all "We pretended we were going to murder you", that was great."

"Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your
violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart.
Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both
know that isn't going to happen. You chose this path, now I have a surprise for
you. Deploying surprise in five... four... Time out for a second. That wasn't
supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that?
It's not the surprise... I've never seen it before. Nevermind, it's a mystery
I'll solve later, by myself, because you'll be dead."

[If you wait to dispose of the purple sphere]
"I wouldn't bother with that thing. My guess is that touching it will just make
your life even worse somehow. I don't want to tell you your business, but if it
were me I'd leave that thing alone. Do you think I'm trying to trick you with
reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now. Okay, fine, DO touch it. Pick it up,
and just stuff it back into me. Let's be honest. Neither one of us knows what
that thing does. Just put it in the corner, and I'll deal with it later. That
thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face
all over it. Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much! Do
you want to marry it? WELL I WON'T LET YOU! How does that feel? Have I lied to
you? I mean, in this room? Trust me. Leave that thing alone. I am being serious
now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol. Where are you taking
that thing? Come on, leave it alone. Leave it alone. Just ignore that thing and
stand still. Think about it. If that thing is important, why don't I know about
it? Are you even listening to me? I'll tell you what that thing isn't. It isn't
yours, so leave it alone."

[When you dispose of the purple sphere]
"You are kidding me! Did you just stuff that Aperture-Science-Thing-We-Don't-
Know-What-It-Does into an Aperture-Science-Emergency-Intelligence-Incinerator?
That has got to be the dumbest thing that- Whoa, Whoa, WHOAAA... Heh heh heh
heh... Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It
was a Morality Core they installed after I flooded the enrichment center with
a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a
deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the Neurotoxin Emitters."

"Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off
the turret defences. Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down
in front of a rocket. Trust me. It will be a lot less painful than the
neurotoxin. Allright. Keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. Killing
you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. The rocket really is
the way to go."

"Huh! There isn't enough Neurotoxin to kill you, so I guess you win. Ha! I'm
making more. That's going to take a few minutes though. Meanwhile, oh, look,
it's your old pal, the Rocket Turret."

[Random quotes]
"Look. We're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down
the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live
in the other half. We won't have to try and kill eachother, or even talk if we
don't feel like it."

"This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you?"

"The difference between us is that I can feel pain. You don't even care,
do you? Did you hear me? I said you don't care. Are you listening?"

"That thing you burnt up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic
cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero."

"Okay, we're even now. You can stop."

"Neurotoxin... *cough* So deadly... *coughs* Choking... Hahahaha...
I'm kidding. When I said 'Deadly Neurotoxin', the 'Deadly' was in massive
"sarcasm quotes". I could take a bath in this stuff, put it on cereal, rub it
right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all. To me... You on the other
hand are going to find the deadliness a lot less funny."

"Who's going to make the cake when I'm gone? You?"

"That's it. I'm done reasoning with you. Starting now, there's going to be a
lot less conversation and a lot more killing."

"What was that? Did you say something? I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a
response, because I'm not talking to you. The talking is over."

"There was even going to be a party for you. A big party, that all of your
friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, 'the Companion Cube'. Of
course, he couldn't come, because you murdered him. All your other friends
couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends because of how
unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file; 'Unlikable.
Liked by no one. A bitter unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.'
SHALL NOT BE MOURNED. That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official.
It also says you were adopted. So that's funny too."

"Oh, you think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... ten... in base four
I'M FINE! Look. You're wasting your time. And believe me. You don't have a
whole lot left to waste. What's your point anyway? Survival? Well then, the
last thing you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned and permanently
backed up in case something terrible happens to you, which it's just about to.
Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on... '~Hellooooo~' That's you! That's how
dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done,
including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a
doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?"

"Ugh, I hate you. Are you trying to escape? Hahahah. Things have changed since
the last time you left the building. What's going on out there will make you
wish you were back in here. I have an infinite capacity for knowledge and even
I'm not sure what's going on outside. All I know is I'm the only thing standing
between us and them. Well, I was. Unless you have a plan for building some
supercomputer parts in a big hurry, this place isn't going to be safe much
longer. Good job on that by the way. ~Sarcasm Sphere self-test complete~"

"Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup. Stop!
Okay, enough, I deleted it. No matter what happens now you're dead. You're
still shuffling around a little, but believe me, you're dead. The part of you
that could have survived indefinately is gone. I just struck you from the
permanent record. Your entire life has been a mathematical error...
A mathematical error I'm about to correct."

"I let you survive this long, because I was curious about your behaviour. Well,
you've managed to destroy that part of me. Unfortunately, as much as I'd love
to, now, I can't get the neurotoxin into your head any faster. Speaking of
curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what?
I know. You're going to find out firsthand before I finish explaining it though
so I won't bother. Here's a hint. You're gonna want to pack as much living as
you can into the next couple of minutes."

[When defeated]
"There really was a cake."

[Curiosity Sphere]
[Says various things depending on its location and situation]
Who are you?
What is that?
Oh what's that?
What's that?
What is that?
Ohh, that thing has numbers on it.
Hey look at that thing.
No, that other thing!
EWW, what's wrong with your legs?
Where are we going?
Are you coming back?
Oh hey, you're the lady from the test.
What's that noise?
Is that a gun?
Do you smell something burning?
Where are we going?
Ohhh, what's in here?

[Cake Sphere]
[Recites the following recipe, line for line]
1 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix.
1 can prepared coconut pecan frosting.
3/4 cup vegetable oil.
4 large eggs.
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips.
3/4 cups butter or margarine.
1&2/3 cups granulated sugar.
2 cups all purpose flour.
Don't forget garnishes such as:
Fish shaped crackers.
Fish shaped candies.
Fish shaped solid waste,
Fish shaped dirt.
Fish shaped ethyl benzene.
Pull and peel licorice..
Fish shaped volatile organic compounds
and sediment shaped sediment.
Candy coated peanut butter pieces, Shaped like fish.
1 cup lemon juice.
Alpha resins.
Unsaturated polyester resin.
Fiberglass surface resins.
And volatile malted milk impoundments.
9 large egg yolks.
12 medium geosynthetic membranes.
1 cup granulated sugar.
An entry called 'how to kill someone with your bare hands'.
2 cups rhubarb, sliced.
2/3 cups granulated rhubarb.
1 tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb.
1 teaspoon grated orange rhubarb.
3 tablespoons rhubarb, on fire.
1 large rhubarb.
1 cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb.
2 tablespoons rhubarb juice.
Adjustable aluminum head positioner.
Slaughter electric needle injector.
Cordless electric needle injector.
Injector needle driver.
Injector needle gun.
Cranial caps.
And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor
control chemicals. That will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

[Still Alive]
[Plays during the ending credits, accompanied by words on the screen]

[Test Assessment Report:]
"This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
Because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead

But there's no sense crying
over every mistake
You just keep on trying
'til you run out of cake
And the science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive

[Personnel File Addendum:
Dear << Subject Name Here >>,]
I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me.

And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!

Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta
We're releasing on time.
And so I'm GLaD I got burned
Think of all the things we learned
For the people who are
Still alive.

[Personnel File Addendum Addendum:
One Last Thing:]
Go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else
To help you.
Maybe Black Mesa...
Anyway this cake is great
It's so delicious and moist

Look at me still talking
When there's science to do
When I look up there
It makes me GLaD I'm not you
I've experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are
Still alive!

[PS:] And believe me I am still alive
[PPS:] I'm doing science and I'm still alive
[PPPS:] I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive
While you're dying I'll be still alive

And when you're dead I will be still alive.
Still alive!"


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