Review by Phweemaggot

Reviewed: 06/27/03 | Updated: 07/18/03

Anything with enchanted motoycles HAS to be good!

This game is based on a great concept: An overly complex RPG for people that don’t have time for overly complex RPGs! You download the file, start it up, and the experience begins. First, you choose your character, class, and stats (these are determined randomly). First, the prologue pops up. It tells the story that, in most RPGs, would motivate you into playing, and helping your character achieve his goal. Well, since Progress Quest does all the thinking for you, you’re motivated whether you want to be or not. But now I think I should move on to the review.

Graphics: 10/10

This game utilizes BEAUTIFUL “Black Text” technology. The 3-D effects on those different boxes are just stunning. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear they were all separate windows. The problem is, the bars move in a jerky manner, which kind of ruins the other effects for me. Seriously though, there are no graphics, so they can’t be screwed up. So, in that sense, they’re perfect! But in a sense that makes more sense, there aren’t any good graphics either. Regardless, I give it a ten.

Sound: 7/10

Sound? There’s sound? This game has no background music, no sound effects, nothing. But this is good, because you’d be distracted by music, and you need all your wits about you to watch numbers change and bars move.

Controls: 10/10

These controls are so easy, anyone can learn them in a matter of seconds. You use your eyes to watch your levels and various bars. The hand is used to move the mouse, so you can scroll to look at your spells, your inventory, and the quests and acts you’ve beaten. Your butt is used to sit in your chair and monitor the game. Skilled players may even learn how to play without even looking at the screen.

Story: 9/10

(Note: This contains absolutely no spoilers, since you find all this about one minute into the game.) The game starts with you having a terrible night vision, in which a lot is revealed about this wise old guy, whom you’ve underestimated. Then, horrible stuff happens to your family and friends, and you’re left alone. All of a sudden, you decide to go on an adventure.

Take the above paragraph (minus the first note about spoilers) and imagine there one more sentence in there. That’s about how long the prologue of Progress Quest is. That’s why it gets such a high rating. On a normal RPG, it would take 20 minutes to explain all this, 50MB or more to hold the video, and cost a lot for those videos to be made. In Progress quest, it takes 30 seconds to explain, no less then a few kilobytes to hold the information, and cost nothing to be made. Some might say Grumdrig (The creator of Progress Quest) is cheap. I say he’s smart.

Gameplay: 9/10

Your character will go to the killing fields, kill things until he can’t hold anymore of their body parts. Then he sells them at the market to buy better equipment. You don’t have to do a thing, and the best part is, YOU CAN’T DIE! The character is pretty good on his own, so normally you’ll let him handle things while you check every so often, looking at spell book to see what strange magic you’ve learned, see what funny quests you’ve beaten, and what strange items with overly descriptive names you have equipped. It’s perfect for when you’re too tired to do much of anything.

Replay Value: N/A

It’s impossible to beat, and it’s not as if you’ll miss something secret. So this isn’t an actual category.

Overall: It’s funny, if not an actual game. Good for a few laughs, and it’s another pointless thing you can compete with people in. Go to and download it. Try it out, look it over. I guarantee you’ll like it.

Rating:   4.5 - Outstanding

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