Review by JRepute

Reviewed: 03/11/02 | Updated: 03/11/02

In defiance of excellence

In the early year of 2002 A.D., a small group of individuals inspired by boredom come up with the prospect of the kind of “mass multiplayer” online role playing game where the gamer is set to be a lazy bum with no inspiring interest in quality gaming. The such game on these individuals mind’s is a game where the gamer always wins. A game where the gamer never breaks the keyboard/controller in frustration from losing. A game with a story line as intriguing as the latest Army Men title from 3DO. A game in which a gamer with two broke arms and smashed up fingers can still participate in.

I still ponder nightly over how someone could consider Progress Quest an actual game. Yet every night, an answer comes up short. Is this a game, or some sort of sick joke?

“...The best mass multiplayer online role playing game ever!”

Believe it or not, that is a phrase I quite commonly hear from such blinded by quality gamers praising this some sort of automatically running freeware. Give me a break. From a “game” standpoint, this game is crap.

If you haven’t caught on yet, Progress Quest is a free downloadable game in which the computer does your work (playing) for you. Your only strategic position within Progress Quest is to roll some sort of fake dice with the intent to get your character good skills, which are randomly generated (strength, dexterity, etcetera.). It is still nothing groundbreaking, since you can redo and undo your roll as many times as you may please.

After selecting from a vast, boring, and non-funny (supposedly attempted to be so) list of different race types, you must then chose your characters main class; such as the Mage Illusioner, Fighter, Ur-Paladin, or even the _chuckle_ worthy “Bastard Lunatic.” Then you quest begins and your role in the game ends.

Just like any typical role playing game, your character is eventually equipped with a weapon, shield, helm, and other sorts of equipment.. Throughout your journey to save the.. wait, I forget, you have no “real” journey. Anyway, the plot is simple, do whatever the command line tells you to do, or Alt-F4 your way out of there. If you do indeed chose to continue your lazy quest, expect hundreds upon hundreds of “interesting” quests, all spread out among tons of Acts. Progress through Progress Quest is only accomplished by watching five individual and separate bars: Experience, Plot/Acts, Inventory, Quests, and Actions.

Like said, everything is automated. Turn it on, come back three hours later and ‘amazingly’ your dude has a brand new +2 Prolonged Heavy Lance, or Studded Gilded ABS, without your assistance. Understand what they mean? Of course not, and neither do I, as they are pretty much works and words of mindless middle school students or the performance of a random name generator program thingy on the computer.

“Fetch me an anvil. Deliver this cookie. Exterminate the Porn Elementals.”

That is just a simplistic sample of what you may see on the quest bar. My first impression of these may have sparked a laugh or two, but that sense of humor quickly ended with Progress Quest in a matter of minutes. From doing quests, you gain experience, from gaining experience, you develop more skill, from getting more skills, you learn more spells, from learning more spells, you fight more enemies, from fighting more enemies, you collect items, from collecting so many items, you go back to town to sell them. Don’t get confused, like I said before, YOU don’t actually do anything, the game does it all for you. Call any game you have ever played boring, take that magnitude of boredom and multiply it by twenty-five, then you may an idea of how grasping the gameplay of Progress Quest is.

One element that might have made a lovely addition to Progress Quest is the element of chat. Undoubtedly, chatting is pretty much a primary feature of basically all other online games. Chatting is nonexistent in Progress Quest. Zippo, nada, not a single form of interaction or communication can be accomplished from this thing, with a slight exception to a ranking of players displayed at []. The ranking system of PQ is obviously the only reason this game is “played.” It is a competition between thousands of online gamers to see who can leave their computer on 24/7, never a reboot, never a break. Look now to see which gamer has the most experience points, or highest level, and look back in two weeks; In all likelihood, it will be the same person. Very competitive, indeed.....

In the early year of 2002 A.D., a small group of individuals inspired by boredom come up with the prospect of the kind of “mass multiplayer” online role playing game where the gamer is set to be a lazy bum with no inspiring interest in quality gaming.

Then again, I picture a group of Intro to Computer Programming high school students walking into class on the first day of school. I picture a teacher immediately assigning them a programming project to get an idea of their current skill when it comes to computer programming. I see them same students walking back into class three days later with what we now call “Progress Quest.”

Progress Quest. A game not worthy of the 2% computer resources it consumes on my computer.

Progress Quest. A game not worthy of the 350 KB’s it takes up on my computer.

Progress Quest. A game which I will gladly uninstall soon.

Rating:   1.0 - Terrible

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