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Commercials Script by Eifersucht86

Version: 1.3.2 | Updated: 01/09/2003

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Table of Contents
2.Version History
3.Legal Info
   A.Exploder: Evacuator Part 2
   B.Love Fist Tour
   C.Complete the Look
   D.Jeremy Robard's Think Your Way To Sucess
   E.Giggle Cream
   G.In the Future There Will Be Robots
   H.Sissy Sprits
   I.Synth & Son
   J.Knife After Dark
   L.Complete the Look #2
   M.Maibatsu Thunder
   O.Pit Bomb
   P.Just The Five Of Us
   Q.Pastor Richards Salvation Fund
   R.Farewell Ranch
   S.Exploder Survival Knife
   U.Thor's Norse Power Program
   V.BJ Smith's Fit For Football
   X.Musty Pines
   Y.Fernando's Medalion Man
   Z.Yuppie and the Alien
   BB.Complete the Look #3
   CC.Pastor Richards Salvation Fund #2
   EE.D'Leo and Thurax
   FF.Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts
   GG.Complete the Look #4
   HH.Learn Redneck
   II.Shady Acres
4.Phone Numbers

Hello my name is Alex, I am 16 years old and this is my first guide on
GameFAQS.  I got Vice City on the first Saturday it was out.  Since then
I have been hooked on it.  So I decided to write this guide.

The following two lines should be even


If the lines are not even change your font to "Courier New[Western]" and
that should fix your problem.

2.Version History
Version 1.3.2-Just fixed some errors.

Version 1.3.1-I fixed some errors and have decided not to write the scripts
for the phone numbers.

Version 1.3-Added commercials DD-II.  Also added a site where this FAQ may be

Version 1.2.2-This is just a small update on some requested commercials and other
little things.

Version 1.2.1-Yet another early release to fix mistakes.  But I did add Y and Z.
I am not going to set a time when I will have the phone numbers done.

Version 1.2-I added commercials V-X, I am also releasing this a little early
to fix 2 mistakes that I had made with the phone #'s.  Next version will contain
more commercials atleast 2 phone scripts. 12/9/02

Version 1.1-My second update in this guide.  I added commercials O-U.  Many
more are coming.  I will also write the scripts for the phone numbers, in a
future update. 12/7/02

Version 1.0-I just started this guide 12/05/02 (Thanks to a snow day).  I
have been listening to the radio and writing down the commercials for about
a week now, but I just now typing it up.

3.Legal Info

   If you would like to use this guide on your site please contact
   me at the e-mail or AIM address in the contact section.  As for
   other things, you may print as many guides as you want for your-
   self or friends.  You may not print this in any magazine or sell
   This guide is a © 2002-2003 by Eifersucht86.
   Grand Theft Auto, and Vice City are all © of Rockstar games
   and Rockstar north.

Sites Where This FAQ Can Be Posted


A.Exploder-Evacuator Part 2

Narrator: He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota.
   Till one day all hell broke loose.

Male: Tim we need you.

Tim: I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing. I wanna raise a family.

Man: That's just it Tim, They've got your family.

Tim: Noooo!

Narrator: Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder.  From the heart of America to
   the jungles of Cambodia, follow one mans quest for peace.

Tim: Hoochi vet is that you?

Hoochi:  Tim I know you come, just like old days we kill everybody.

Male: Tim they've got your wive!

Tim: But I'm not married!

Male: You are now to America.

Narrator: He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost
   his friend. (Shot)

Tim: Hoochi!!!!

Hoochi: Tim don't leave me, you tought me baseball Tim, and how to laugh.

Tim: Nooo, he would have been a fine American.  I'll cry when I'm done killing!

Narrator: Get your self a body bag, strap your self in, start making friends
   the American way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2. Rated PG may include patriotic

B.Love Fist Tour

Announcer: Lock up your daughters! Shoot your sons!

Boy: Dad! (Gun shot)

Announcer: Because Love Fist is coming to town! (Fist, fist,
   fist till dawn) The world tour that has been banned through out the world
   comes to Vice City. The monsters of rock and roll excess, Love Fist! (The
   girls are going crazy cause we are getting lazy shooting love fist fuel all
   around) Get ready for a night of death metal love ballads that’ll have you
   shoving your fist in the air! It’s the steel hearts, stone cold prostate
   tour! Brought to you by Giggle Cream, because dessert should be funny! And
   the Maibazu Thunder, because after you get struck by lighting (Lighting
   noise) there’s thunder! Come see the pounding rock from the band that brought
   you hits like “Chin Stainer”, “Liver Buster” and “Dangerous Man Dead Family”.
   Come get love fisted! Love Fist at the Vice City arena! Brought to you by V

C.Complete the Look

Male: Italian loafers without socks? Deconstructed linen suit? Something
   missing? (Complete the look) With the flesh toned sleeveless t-shirt, at Vice
   City's one-stop-shop for people who dress for success (Wow, You look like
   everyone else) Complete the look!

D.Jeremy Robard's Think Your Way to Sucess

Jeremy: Hi, I'm Jeremy Robard! Entrepreneur, VIP and founder of the
   revolutionary program "Think your way to success". It's a 3 step program
   that's been changing lives and my income for the last 2 years! 5 Years ago,
   I was a nobody, just like you. After my "Think Your Way To Success" program,
   I spend the entire weekend in my Jacuzzi, or engaging in the exciting sport
   of domino toppling! Hey, If you can think it, you can do it! One of my award
   winning courses is sure to be perfect for you. The first course, I call
   "Think - Hold That Thought - Complete", because that's what you do. Step 2 is
   known as "Learn - Start - Doing", where I explain the mysteries of starting.
   Or take the new accelerator course, which will have you laughing at ugly
   strangers, "Motivate, Demonstrate, Then Motivate Again". Just listen to
   these, endorsements and remember these people volunteered, they aren't
   being paid much.

Male #1: I've been on the "Think - Hold That Thought - Complete" program
   and I have to say, I'm going to start my career in being a well-paid,
   rich person!

Male #2: Yeah! I've been thinking my way to success for a while, now.
   It's some good stuff!

Jeremy: Call now, and sign up for my "Think Your Way To Success"
   program. And if you want to think really fast, try my "Crank It Out" program.
   Call 1-866-434-SELF. Hey, Don't just do it, think about it!

E.Giggle Cream

Chorus: Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa
   wa-wa That's the sound I love

Male: Stop the morning, you make my night

Female: With Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright

Male: Getting tired of my faith, laughing and getting high

Female: With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun
   than that?

Chorus: Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi With giggle Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa
    wa-wa That's the sound I love

Male: Giggle cream! it makes desert funny!


Female: Do you have dry mouth?

Female #2: I sure do!

Female: It protects your teeth, fights infection, and lubricates
   your food.. But what happens when you run out of saliva?

Female #2: Help me, I can't talk!

Female: For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex!

Female #3: Wow! I can spit again!

Female: Salivex is more than salive in a can. Salivex improves
   consumption efficiency by 50%. No more half-way cures, like coasting your
   throat in cooking oil, to have that extra piece of cake, or a bowl of
   kitty litter!

Female #2: After a night out, my tongue tasted like carpet! It was
   embarrassing. Now with Salivex, I can eat a whole box of crackers, or
   lick my life partner's *Stamp Collection* all night!

Male: It's like having a salivation army in my mouth! Now I can suck
   a *Lollipop* for as long as I want!

Female: Salivex tastes like your own saliva - that's because at
   Salivex's state of the art production facilities, we use 'Salivation
   Philanthropists', who make Salivex all day. Salivex, when it comes to
   personal dryness upstairs, were deadly serious!

G.In the Furture There Will Be Robots

Male: If you've never seen the majesty of a modern dance performance,
   Come see the unbridled passion of 'In The Future, There Will Be Robots'! Every
   night at the Vice City arts center! Expressing the future aesthetically,
   through the medium of dance, 2 men battle for one robot's heart. By euphoric
   and vehement gyrations on stage.

Actor: I love her!

Claude Maginot: Yes, but what about this?!

Actor: Those aren't regulation moves!

Claude Maginot: I dance MY way, to express that which cannot be said!

Robot: I-love-you-both dance-for-me!

Male: This is the definition of modern dance. Grown men in questionable
   clothing, flailing around like their having a seizure! True modernism,
   the past, the present and the future. The performance features a futuristic
   laser show, with a dehydrating manatee (Maaaah). In the future, there will
   be robots!

Robot: Come-see-the-performance-that-has-left-critics-speechless!

Male: At the Vice City Arts Center.

H.Sissy Sprits

Chorus: Higher

Male: The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look
   great is to have good hair - that's great!

Chorus: Take your hair higher! Take-your-hair to-the-limit!

Male: Use sissy Sprits when your clubbing, or sticking your head out
   of a stretch limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing
   to the limit

Chorus: Higher! Gonna get higher than the stars!

Male: With Sissy Sprits, it's hair for the future, not the past. When
   you have great hair, people know you're a winner!

Chorus: Gotta fly on my own hair tonight!

Male: Sissy Sprits may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart
   palpitations and nose bleeds, plus your hair will be great!

I.Synth & Son

Male: We have some sad news for you, Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is
   in! Why not discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, and
   Synths & Son the home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you
   don't need musical talent to make great music. Just listen(weird noise)
   I created that, just by pressing a button. Synthesizers are the new
   way! (Classical music plays) Why work hard on difficult compositions, when
   a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of? You'll be the
   hit of the party! It's perfect for in-restaurant entertainment, cover bands,
   and funerals. Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's the science
   of music at Synth (echo) & Son. Remember - you don't know your a great
   musician, until you try!

J.Knife After Dark

Male: He was just the boy next door…

Old Male: Hi! Well hello there Danny! I didn’t know it was hockey season.

Boy: Hey can I borrow a knife!

Male: A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears! Knife
   After Dark rated R for Retarded.


Male: The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow
   out sale! Ammu-Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on
   Militia-Mondays, exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all
   armor piercing bullets. We’re the only gun store that let’s you try before
   you buy it! Need anti-tank missile? We’ve got’em! Flamethrowers? Oh yeah!
   No credit, no problem! No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shot now, pay
   later! If you’re in the 10 minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at
   the Ammu-Nation gun range, featuring faces of commie pinkos! Come by Ammu-Nation
   and register to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia’s
   ass! This weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with
   free screening of the documentary Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation protecting your

L.Complete the Look #2

Male: Feather hair, pentagram necklace, something missing? (Complete
   the look) Complete the look with a pair of crotch hugging, slightly too
   short, acid wash, skin tight jeans at Vice City’s one stop shop for the rebel
   who sets his own style! (Wow! You look like a Satanist) Complete the look!

M.Maibatsu Thunder

   {Engine Turning Over)
Male: Nights of the road, here’s your stallion! (Horse whining)
   The car for freedom! (Freedom) The car for hot excitement! (Excitement) The
   car for a man who’s alone against the elements! (The Maibatsu Thunder)The
   pride is back! It’s the power of a compact! (It looks small but it’s so big)
   Fuel injected! (Inject me) Maibatsu Thunder! On the toll road of life, you
   have to pay to prove you can! Live the emotion of an individual! (Thunder)
   The awesome power of nature, distill into one vehicle! (Wow) Because after
   you get struck by lighting (Lighting) there’s thunder! (The Maibatsu


Male: What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone
   steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it’s the freedom to go
   into a poor country and tell them how to do things?! Heh! Those are all great
   qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose
   an American car! When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard
   working American’s table. (Baby cries) There, there! This poor girl is going
   to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient
   Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up
   to? Our great industries is a threaten! Cars, pornography, armaments! And
   they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult
   literature or a missile defense system! Make sure you do the American thing!

O.Pit Bomb

Male: The science of evolution has uncovered many of life’s mysteries like
   tadpoles or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains.
   What's it for? Why is it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one
   thing's for certain, the armpit smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Bomb.
   It's like Napalm for your skin or Agent Orange on your sweat glands.
   Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily functions in their tracks. It’s as
   effective as sending GIs into a peasant village. When you're fighting
   the war against personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery.

P.Just The 5 Of Us

Male: This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that's captured America's
   hearts and given the whole country a new catchphrase.

Timmy: But I'm 42!

Male: Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the
    Chesterfields came home with three zany new houseguests.

Dad: Timmy, tidy your room and go to bed.

Jimmy: I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look
   12 but I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid.

Dad: Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room.

Timmy: Asshole!

Dad: Shawn, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley
   you were sleeping in.

Shawn: I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze.

Male: It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television.

Dad: Charlotte, what's that smell?

Charlotte: I set the couch on fire again.

Shawn: Here I can you help with that.

Male: And this week its a very special Just the Five of Us where an attractive
   blonde lady tries to steal Timmy away.

Timmy: Now you're talkin!

Male: Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on BBS!

Q.Pastor Richards Salvation Fund

Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favor and pick up your telephone, call now.
   1-866-9-SAVEME what better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter,
   then from the comfort of your very own readynuclear bunker? When we raise
   25 million we will build a 50 story tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million
   the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil
   eye on degenerates. and when the eminent nuclear strikeoccurs, those who
   put faith into action with sufficient generous contributions will join me
   inside the Pastor Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute
   to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now,

R.Farewell Ranch

Male: Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell ranch. And it's
   time to get up and work the old cow. get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old
   people don't sit around stagnating watching game shows and talking about the good
   old days. Sinking into the grave with a urine soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch
   they sweat and toil until the breakingpoint. Keep that miserable contemplation
   of mortality at bay. Hell, at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll
   wish he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a
   bowl of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly funerals.
   It's the cowboy’s code. Work hard, don't shower and die in your boots. Right Norm?

Norm: Ahh, my prostate!

Male: Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset.

S.Exploder Survival Knife

Male #1: It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder,you'll
   love this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll find all the
   things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or jungle of your backyard.
   It comes complete with fishingline, needle and thread for sewing gashes back together.
   And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick

Hoochi: Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth.

Tim: It's okay Hoochi, try this!(Knife Opening)

Male #1: For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there’s a saw for building
   your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company. As well as a serrated blade
   that can kill a man before he can scream.(Man Grunting)

Tim: That'll shut you up!

Male #1: The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it
   can save you.

Male #2: This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now you can too.


(Man screaming and running)

Male: Germs are running scared.

Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox

Male: Last Year communists killed 34 hard working Americans, but germs kill over 25
   million people.  Your home much like America is constantly under attack from germs.  And
   we all know what germs cause Dislexia and Lepracy, thank goodness there's blox.

Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox

Male: Blox sends germs running like refugees, just add a few tablespoons to your childs bath,
   and put them in the tub.(Child crying) Presto, that tingling sensation is germs dying.  Now
   you child has rosy red skin and is 100% germ free.  Now that means little Jimmy won't catch
   a cold or ask difficult questions about reproduction.  It's even great for Rover's breath.
   (Dog drinking then whining)  Now he's sleeping peacefully, free from germs.  Blox is endorsed
   by the society for cleaner America.  It uses a patented formula by the Pentagon for use in the
   field, now it's avaliable for your home.

Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox

Sargent: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox

Army Chorus: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox

Sargent: Blox, Blox, Blox, Blox

Male: Some germs hate acid, some germs hate bleach, Blox kills indescrimitly.

U.Thor's Norse Power Program

Male: For thousands of years Americans have looked for answer to life's difficult questions. Now,
   millions of people just like you are finding answers and taking charge of there lives.  Through
   the original, patented and proven program of Ohallas finest diety, Thor.

Thor: Treasure awaits you but beware of your woman folk treatury is deep within her.  By the coming
   of spring she shall be no more.

Female: Thor changed my life.

Male: Author of two bestselling self help books translated from the original runic into 25 languages,
   Thor has helped millions realize their dreams.

Thor: Beware of the trap set by the frost giants, carry your magic hammer.(Crowd Cheers)

Male: Avaliable on record or cassette the personal Norse power program looks to the myths of the
   Vikings for answers.

Female: Can you give my husband an ounce of advice to help keep things hot in the bedroom?

Thor: Take a longboat with 20 of your finest men, head to where the sun sets, there you will find
   a villiage, pillage thunder and burn all that you find1

Male: And if you order now, you'll recieve Thor's subliminal tape series.  So you gain wisdom of the
   Gods while sleeping.

Male #2: Accept the crystal cup at the feast beware of the dwarf.

Male: Thor's personal Norse power program, call now 866-PILLAGE.  That's 866-PILLAGE

V.BJ Smith's Fit For Football

BJ Smith: Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the top of pro football.
   I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They didn't call me death in tight pants for nothing.
   When you've had such a rewarding career maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through
   running, wrestling, stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm training, an in days swoop
   and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's what keeps me healthy. And now, using training
   methods, I perfected. It's going to work for you with BJ's Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall
   off. I'm down to 300 pounds using exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who are you gonna
   trust to get fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you in, or an aerobics instructor who wouldn’t
   get drafted by the local hopscotch team? Hell no, BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS.
   Remember to win in a game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a
   blind rage.


Male: Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone.

Linda: We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance.

Male: Yeah right, that’s when we got Domesto-bot. He's great with the kids.

Domesto-bot: Mrs Lorris, Tommy has some skin magazines under the bed.

Linda: And he helps us too.

Domesto-bot: Would you like your drink portioned?

Male: He's a great conversation piece at our special parties.

Domesto-bot: Please move your car keys and the fun will begin.

Linda: It's like having a personalised alarm clock.

Domesto-bot: I've brought you a drink.

Male: Ah, it's eight in the morning!

Domesto-bot: I made it a double.

Linda: Ah Domesto-bot.

Male #2: Domesto-bot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the friend you've always
   dreamed of, order Domesto-bot today.

X.Musty Pines

Female: Are you tired of your couches getting ruined?

Male: Oh grandpa.

Grandpa: I made tinkles again!

Male: If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to Musty Pines?
   We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it'll be thebest three months of their lives.
   They'll enjoy bingo, complaining,mumbling incoherently, skinny-dipping and organ donation.
   And once a month it's our famous lucky dip medication switching night. Musty Pines is located
   at a luxurious location overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation facilities. You can
   still visit your old people,but now you have the comfort of knowing you don't have to. After they
   pass on to something better, guaranteed in three months or less, you can start enjoying their money.
   Finally, you can have quality family time again. Musty Pines, now you don't have to say goodbye.
   Drive through service also available.

Y.Fernando's Medallion Man

Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an emotional kind of guy.
People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the hell is wrong with me? Silk-shirt, hairy
chest, enough aftershave to drown a household pet, but I still cannot get a woman. And I tell them,
you are an ignorant fool. Without the symbol of power and fertility around your nexk, What knid of
woman is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion Man, the shop for medallion
needs. Medalion Man caters to all levels of masculinity, for the strong silnet type a medallion the
size of a hub cap will say everything that needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova
who knows music is the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, dipers, whatever your interest,
we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every woman knows, if you can't support a medallion,
you can't support a family.

Z.Yuppie and the Alien

Male: This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night.He was a well to do cop,
   transferred to a trouble precinct downtown. His new partner is a space traveller, with a passion for
   justice. It's Yuppie & The Alien!
Captain: Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri, but in this precinct, we do things by
   the book!
Yuppie: I'm so terribly sorry, captain.
Gogan: Gah. Gogan sorry!
Male : Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the hard way, in designer
   clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car, and a UFO.
Yuppie: Partner, let's go cruise in the car, and look moody.
Male: One tough, downtown precinct, two outsiders, doing things their way, Yuppie & The Alien, on VBC.


Male:Oh Max, We go everywhere together, right boy?

Female: At Petstuffers we know there's nothing more then a relationship between man and
  his dog, sometimes you just can't let go.

Male: Max you didn't eat your food that's the second week in a row, Max.

Female: When the unspeakable happens just put your four legged friend in the fridge or
   freezer, then call Petstuffers.  We'll be there within a week to pick him up, and in
   less than a month he'll be back good as new.  Through and ancient Egyptian miracle
   process called Taxideremy, you and your best friend will always be together.

Male: Yea, that's a good dog.

Female: Petstuffers when you just can't let go, and coming soon Grandparents forever.

BB.Complete the Look #3

Male: Highlighted hair, faint braindead look in your eyes, something missing?(Complete the look)
   Complete the look with mens eyeliner at Vice City's one stop shop for people who are cool when
   they cry.

Feamle: Wow, you look ambiguous.

Male: Complete the look.

CC.Pastor Richards Salvation Fund #2

Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favor, take both hands off the wheel and touch the stereo, do you
   feel the power? Ah yes friend, there's a lot of evil in this world, but there's also light. And I
   have been sent to shine a light on all degenerates, philanerderers, Liberals and other evil doers
   and expose them for what they really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting
   material possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you. A highly fortified
   structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the planet, me. Degenerates will ruin this
   great city. In my wonderful book I tell of the impending disaster about to befall this planet,
   nuclear holocaust, plagues of flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming,
   it is written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue
   Fund, pick up your telephone call now, 1-866-9SAVEME


Male: Are you tired of dad?

Boy: Dad, no one wants to hear your stupid Vietnam stories.

Male: Are you tired of mom?

Mom: Hi angel, do you want to read a book or go outside?

Boy: No.(Degenatron)

Male: The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys offering to show you puppies.

Boys: Awesome!

Male: The Degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the arcade!

Kids: Excellent!(Degenatron)

Male: The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including Defender of the Faith where
   you save the green dots with your fantastic flying red square.

Boys: Cool

Male: Monkey's Paradise where you swing from green dot to green dot with your red square monkey.

Boys: That's rad!

Speaker: And Penatrator where you smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious red square.

Boys: WOW!

Male: The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even take quarters and a
   strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on Fridays.(Degenatron)

Male: Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom.

Boys: I'll never go to school again!(Degenatron)

EE.D'Leo and Thurax

Male: At the law firm of D'Leo and Thurax we understand that sometimes life throws you a curveball.
   We help our blue-chip clients get their lives back, after circumstances have conspired against them.
   Just listen!

Male #2: It was an unfortunate accident what happened to my wife on that precarious cliff. D'Leo and
   Thurax can't bring my wife back, but they made sure I didn't end up in the slammer.

Male #3: I was unfortunate enough to be found with 15 kilos in my spare tyre. I was so mad at the auto
   repair shop that sold me that tyre, thanks to D'Leo and Thurax the district attorney saw it that way

Female: I accidentally torched a quicky mart when my medication ran out.  D'Leo and Thurax helped me and
   the community by insuring a healthy settlement from the pharmaceutical company.

Male: At D'Leo and Thurax we understand the juditional system and will insure the truth is heard, no matter
   how improbable. We're not cheap, but what price can you put on truth? Call D'Leo and Thurax today at
   866-974-2333, that's 866-9SHADEE. D'Leo and Thurax accidents happen, and we'll prove it!

FF.Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts

Male: How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut?

Male #2: I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then trust my tounge into the

Female: I like to munch it vigourously.

Male #3: I just love the batter, all over my face.

Male #4: On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.

Female: Oh my god, it's so good.

Male #5: Sometimes I like to wear women's panites and walk around 5th Street.

Male: When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.

GG.Complete the Look #4

Male: Asian pyjamas, chinese bandana. Something missing?(Complete the Look)

Male: With a throwing star, kendo sticks, or nue chucks. At Vice City's one stop shop for
   the silent fashion assasin.(Wow you look like a psycho.)

Female: Complete the look.

HH.Learn Redneck

Male: Throughout human history people have come to these shores to pursue the American dream
   Life, liberty and the chance to exploit others and get one over on your fellow man. Some people
   say America is a wild west darwinian nightmare! But hey, We have the best fried food, and theme
   restaurants in the world! To take full advantage of the remarkable opportunity of this land of
   select freedom, you got to understand the language of freedom. Some call it American English,
   others call it; backwater, stump jumpin, jibber speak! But to us it's plain old redneck. It's
   the language of government, business and the language of friendship. And now you can learn real
   spoken English fast with this exciting 40 cassette program called Learn redneck pretty fast!
   Available in Spanish to redneck, French to redneck, Japanese to redneck, English and of course
   Latin. Just listen to this vocabulary lesson!

Female: Repeato hermana.

Male #2: Girlfriend!

Female: Bueno!

Male: Order now and you'll get a commemorate spit tool and a video tape that shows you how to cook
   armadillo. Armadillo is good eatin! It's like a lobster except you can run over it and eat it!
   Call now.

II.Shady Acres

Male: I'm a VIP! And I wanna live around peole like myself, rich and divorced.(Shady Acres)

Avery: I'm Avery Carrington, Shady Acres is incredible upscale, state of the  art, top notch
   condominium development (Condo) A short drive out of town on some christine wetlands. Away
   from the north and uninvited diversity of the city! (Shady Acres) And when you buy into that
   dream that is Shady Acres, not only do you get a luxuriest 5 thousand square foot condo with
   underground parking for your newly acquired sports car, but there's also a jacuzzi for
   entertainment. (Jacuzzi) Each condo is tastefully furnished with a stock bar and a exotic
   water bed shaped like a dollar sign. Shady Acres also has a golf range, firing range, heli-
   pad and exotic petting zoo when your kids come to visit. (Shady Acres) You're successful!
   Start defining your life style, start defining yourself!

Females: Shady Acres

Avery: Shady Acres, happiness is worth the price! (Shady Acres)

4.Phone Numbers
Below are the phone numbers that appear in Vice City.  They are toll free so you
don't have to worry about the phone bill. Since all of them have letters which
are a pain I will also put the numerical number in brackets.

1-866-9SAVEME [1-866-972-8363]-Pastor Richard's Salvation Fund

1-866-434SELF [1-866-434-7353]-Jeremy Robard's Think Your Way to Sucess

1-866-9BURYME [1-866-928-7963]-Farewell Ranch

1-800-BEAHERO [1-800-232-4376]-Army

1-866-PILLAGE [1-866-745-5243]-Thor

1-866-9SHADEE [1-866-974-2333]-D'Leo and Thurax


Here is how you may contact me.  You can e-mail me at Tilrammstein2005@herzeleid.net
or Streichholzschachtel16@hotmail.com.  My AIM screen name is Tazz0086 or Tilrammstein2005.
Please feel free to correct me on any mistakes or submit anything I may have missed.


Thanks to AJ_ for helping me with the art.

My Mom for buying this game.

Rockstar for making such a great game.

WHTJunior for telling me of some mistakes, and a little suggestion.

TheCorruptJedi for telling me of some mistakes.

Javlin for telling me of some mistakes.

Boy Warhead for a couple mistakes.

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