Review by helmut mein helmut

Reviewed: 04/17/03 | Updated: 04/17/03

Should be "JEFF K's Postal 2"

This is basically the game somethingawful.com's Jeff K. would make -- a blend of ultraviolence, pitifully inept programming, sub-par to mediocre graphics, and ''humor'' that would make the creators of South Park wince.

Breaking it down:

Graphics: 6/10 environments, 2/10 models -- The six or so basic ''people'' in the town have maybe five to six different heads/torsoes/legs to mix and match creating a stew of PS1 quality rednecks overlaid on a badly laid out, if decently rendered ''redneck town.'' Animation is sparse, jerky, and limited.

Sound: 4/10 Completely forgettable voice acting, non-existent soundtrack, and generic stock sound effects. Hurray!

Gameplay: 0/10 -- It just doesn't get any lower than this folks. Every hostile in the game stands still in the middle of the room/road, shooting faster than the game lets you shoot, HITTING YOU EVERY TIME NO MATTER WHAT. Space Invaders had better AI programming. The difficulty slider adjusts the number of people given guns, and the number of ''always shoot at you'' people (like anti-violent game protestors) you trigger when you complete the games two goals (either pick something up or throw something at something else), but at average at least 90% of the town has a pistol/shotgun/machine gun. Pee on the bad guy and kick them at the same time. They'll get trapped in between two animations and won't be able to fire at you.

Also worth noting is the total collision handling in the engine. Bodies and other objects happily fly half-way into walls when kicked, and doors don't really exist to the ragdoll physics part of the game at all. You can throw inventory items through windows too, and it's pathetically easy to get ''stuck'' according to the engine by trying to jump on ledges, which is handled in a way that just screams ''we don't care at all about quality.''

Peeing on people: 10/10 for about a couple of hours, then 0/10 when the thrill wears off and you realize it's 3AM and you'd be better off masturbating -- This is presumably the ''killer feature'' of the game, and yes you read that right. This game's big claim to fame if nothing else, is this is the game where you get to set Gary Coleman on fire and pee on his burning corpse. You know, I never thought I'd get to do that, so they get points there. Other than that I'd rather be drinking some delicious molten lead.

If nothing else, it's better than Postal 1 (aka ''Bezerk 2: Attack of the Poseur Goth Brigade)....

But then again, getting stabbed in the face was better than Postal 1 too.

Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

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