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    Commercial Scripts by JMazzocchi

    Version: 2.0 | Updated: 09/24/03 | Search Guide | Bookmark Guide

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    ----------------------------GRAND THEFT AUTO III---------------------------
    ---------------------------COMMERCIAL LYRICS FAQ!--------------------------
    --------------------------------VERSION 2.0--------------------------------
    Copyright John Mazzocchi 2002-2003.
    This FAQ is for personal use only and may not be duplicated in anny form 
    without espress writen consent by the author. If you wish to post this FAQ 
    on a website, contact the author at the E-Mail address provided,
    Or feel free to Instant Message me at the Names provided,
    (Mazz Itude10)
    If I have time I will update this FAQ. Feel free to e-mail or IM me with 
    suggestions and corrections. Thank You A Lot!
    01. Version Histoy:
    Thursday, August 08, 2002, Version 1.0:
    Well.. My 1st Version! Still Stuff To Come
    Sunday, August 11, 2002, Version 1.5:
    Can you believe it I forgot my e-mail address, and I added another chapter,
    and some spell checks.
    Monday August 19, 2002, Version 2.0
    Thanks to "FaaipdeOiad14" I forgot a commercial so I added that and Some 
    Spelling Corrections.
    Wednesday September 24, 2003!
    Wow, It has been over a year since I have updated this FAQ, wow. But 
    annyway, back to what I updated...
    1) "GTA Gaming" Wants to use this FAQ so I said OK and I added them to the
    "Sites that can use this FAQ section
    2) Almost every single one of the lines are no more then 75 characters (If
    you see anny that are over 75 let me know? thanks)
    3) Checked my Spelling MORE!
    4) Sometimes when typing for no apparent reason (I type so fast) that I hit
    the "Caps Lock" button (Don't ask) so sometimes I start words I'm not 
    supposed to start with a caps, with a caps lol. So I corrected some of 
    And thats it, aight?! see ya
    Table Of Contents:
    0. Version History
    1. Commercials
    	1a. Dormitron
    "She's too fat for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"
    	1b. Maibatsu Monstrosity (1)
    "...Mine's Bigger!"
    	1c. Maibatsu Monstrosity (2)
    "We lost Joey in the back and couldn't find him for an hour!"
    	1d. Equinox
    "I've been employee of the month three times in a row!"
    	1e. Liberty City Survivor
    "I was so excited I didn't even realize I've been hit!"
    	1f. House Of Tomorrow
    "Wonder If Wresteling's On Tonight!"
    	1g. Pets Overnight (1)
    "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!"
    	1h. Pets Overnight (2) 
    "Delivering little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door."
    	1i. Pets Overnight (3)
    	1j. Pets Overnight (4)
    "Mommy, Jim-Jim Bit Me!""
    	1k. Sue Your Boss
    "There's an wasy solution... sue your boss!"
    	1l. Medievil Millennium Fair
    "We've got all the leeches, spells and potions you need"
    	1m. Aeris Running Shoes
    "We get to play with knives!"
    	1n. Fernandos New Beginings
    "cinco cinco cinco- nueve dos nueve dos."
    	1o. Pogo The Monkey
    "Here Pogo have a fast car!"
    B. Contact Information
    C. Special Thanks
    D: Legal Stuff
    A. Commercials
    1a. Dormitron:
    Woman: "I've tried everything and I just couldn't keep those extra 200
    	pounds off! It started to affect my marriage."
    Man: "She was too fat for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"
    Woman: "The Abdomatrix the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth
    	sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it I've tried it!"
    Man: "Except for exercising and eating right porky!"
    Woman: "That's right honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new
    	technologey called Bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The
    	Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms
            and legs, put on TheDormatron Headset, then wrap yourself in the 
            special high voltage eletric blanket. Turn it up to 11 and burn 
            those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've 
    	lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!"
    Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!"
    Male Voice: "Don't be fat a day longer then you have to! Remember, being
    	fat can ever ruin a romantic cruise! *Whooo* Call Dormatron now, at
    	1-800 sleepofflard. or visit www.sleepofflard.com
    	<http://www.sleepofflard.com>, and sleep your way to a thinner,
    	happier you!
    1b. Maibatsu Monstrosity (1):
    Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work
    	on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that can
    	seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just 
    	makes me feel better!" 
    Woman: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!" 
    1c. Maibatsu Monstrosity (2):
    Woman: "Phil and I just had another kid. So of course we need a bigger SUV.
    	Being a mom is hard, with soccer, football and lacrosse practice, 
    	so we bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It's so big...we lost 
    	little Joey in the back and couldn't find him for and hour! When 
    	I'm rushing to the mall, or talking on my cell phone, I know me 
    	and my family are safe. The Maibatsu Monstrosity has 4- wheel 
    	drive, and in amphibious mode...it can cross rivers. So far I've 
    	only hit a few puddles, but it's good to know it's there. With the 
    	time I save taking shortcuts through the strip-mall parking lot I 
    	can focus on the important things. Like gazing longingly at the 
    	pool boy or...buying more exercise equipment off the TV. So what if 
    	it gets 3 miles to the gallon!? I'm a mom, not a conservationist!" 
    Woman Voice: "The newMaibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!!" 
    1d. Equinox:
    Woman: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes I'd
    	get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or a 
    	family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help navigating 
    	life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered Equinox!" 
    Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me down.
    	I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox, I've 
    	been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to fall
    	unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never need
    	to sleep." 
    Male Voice: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your doctor
    	about Equinox...today." 
    Male: <fast speech>"Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred
    	vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do 
    	not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a car,
    	pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a 
    	history of mental disorders. <End fast speech> 
    Male Voice: "Equinox...softening life's harsh realities!" 
    1e. Liberty City Survivor:
    Male Voice: "Tonight...the TV event that will make history...Liberty City
    	Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll take 
    	20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade launchers and
    	flamethrowers...and let them hunt each other down!! It's the 
    	reality show where you...just might be...part of the action!!" 
    Man: "I was grabbing a sandwich in the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden
    	these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each
    	other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After
    	that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day 
    	in the hospital!" 
    Male Voice: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left
    	standing!! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24hour live
    	webcast!......Liberty City Survivor!!......Natural selection...has
    	come home!!.......<quiet speech> Sponsored by AmmuNation. Please
    	remember to put litter in it's place.<end quiet speech>" 
    1f. House Of Tomorrow:
    Female Voice: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the
    	difference between achieving your dreams....." 
    Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!" 
    Female Voice: "...and not..." 
    Man (yokel): "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight?!" 
    Female voice: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest
    	and greatest technological devices...you will fall behind!" 
    Man 2: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was
    	diagnosed with a terminal illness! *cough* ...!" 
    Female Voice: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly 
    	people at House of Tomorrow...and they'll set you up with all your 
    	twenty first century technology needs." 
    Man 3: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or surf
    	the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my 
    	daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games...thanks to 
    	House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual 
    	reality poker...literally anywhere!" 
    Female Voice (posh): "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of absolutely
    	no use to anyone, you can find it at House of Tomorrow
    	Remember...only technology makes life worth living. House of
    	Tomorrow. We'll upgrade your system then you can upgrade your life!" 
    1g. Pets Overnight (1):
    Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you." 
    Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..." 
    Puppy: "Woof woof woof!" 
    Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!" 
    Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere,
    	just by logging on to petsovernight.com
    	Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
    	box...directly to your door." 
    Puppy: "Woof!" 
    1h. Pets Overnight (2):
    Male Voice: "Buying a gift for the guy that has everything!? Log on to
    	petsovernight.com, we've got exotic pets galore. Including
    Tiger: "Roooar!" 
    Male Voice: "...Cobras..." 
    Cobra: "Hsssssssss!" 
    Male Voice: "...Manatees..." 
    Sheep: "Ee-ee-ee-eehh!" 
    Male Voice: "And white rhinos..." 
    Seal: "Eur..eur...eur!" 
    Male Voice: "All delivered overnight! Petsovernight.com...delivering little
    	bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door." 
    Cat: "Miaoow!" 
    1i. Pets Overnight (3):
    Male Voice: "Would you like a garrife?"
    Cow: "Moooooo!"
    Male Voice: "Have one delivered, just log on to petsovernight.com and we'll
    	send you a garrife overnight. petsovernight.com delivering little
    	bundles of love in a box, directly to your door."
    Cow: "Mooo!"
    1j. Pets Overnight (4):
    Man: "Are you bored with man's best friend?" 
    Boy: "Sorry Fido were gonna have to drown you." 
    Man: "Why not try mans first cousin? At PetsOvernight.com we've got every
    	primate in stock from spider monkeys to gorillas. You'll love your
    new best friend." 
    Boy: "Mommy, Jim-Jim bit me." 
    Mom: "Oh ya, you just bite him back then. Ok honey?" 
    Man: "PetsOvernight.com, delivering little bundles of love in box, directly
    	to your door." 
    1k. Sue Your Boss:
    Male Voice: "Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued?
    	Does working take time away from family and social events like
    	watching wrestling? There's an easy solution! Sue your boss!! See,
    	the great thing about this country is you can sue anyone for pretty
    	much anything! And you'll probably win! Or at least get a 
    	settlement At the firm of Rakin and Ponzer personal injury 
    	attorneys, we can show you how falling down and howling like a sissy 
    	can result in a large damage award from your employer. We also 
    	specialize in awards for injuries suffered in auto, bus and train 
    	accidents! And can even train you to throw yourself in front of a bus 
    	and pretend to be injured. Hey, that's why they pay for insurance! 
    	Call the law offices of Rakin and Ponzer, and get ready to enjoy a 
    	life of luxury!" 
    1l. Medievil Millennium Fair:
    Man: "Do you live in the boring suburbs but dream of living in a lonely
    	castle on a windswept moor? Do you long to trade in your sweat suit
    	for a hundred pound suit of armour and swap your SUV for a noble
    	stallion? Do you eat microwave dinners...all the while wishing you
    	were roasting a succulent pig at a pagan banquet? Is your next ideal
    	home-improvement a moat? Well get ready, Liberty City!!" 
    Man2: "This weekend and every weekend at Liberty City Park, it's the
    	Medieval Millennium Fair. Our band of traveling minstrels, knights
    	and maidens oh so fair are ready to delight you, with tales of the
    	black death, witch burnings, and the joys of being a feudal serf.
    	Forget about air-conditioning and modern medicine...we've got all the
    	leeches, spells and potions you need at the Medieval Millennium Fair.
    	Learn the art of cooking with turnips! Yum yum. Buy genuine
    	reproduction medieval artifacts, including maces, double-handed
    	battle swords, and one-size-fits-all chainmail. And this weekend
    	only...pick up an authentic mechanical Lady of the Lake and
    	Excalibur. It's perfect for your garden pond or swimming pool! And
    	learn how to rid your condo of vermin, using a penny whistle, and a
    	mysterious prancing German named Hans! The Medieval Millennium Fair,
    	every weekend at Liberty City Park." 
    1m. Aeris Running Shoes:
    Man: "A good shoe starts from the ground up. At Aeris, we make high-
    	quality footwear. In fact, you can find Aeris running shoes in over
    	140 countries around the world. In the past, there's been some
    	criticism about our workers! That's why I'm here at one of the Aeris
    	factories so you can meet some of them...excuse me sir, do you enjoy
    	your job here?" 
    Kid: "It's fun...we get to play with knives!" 
    Man: "Heh, I see...is there a real sense of teamwork?" 
    Kid: "My friend Joey sewed his hands together!" 
    Man: "Wow, you're learning some real skills. How about the salary, and
    Kid: "Yesterday...I made a dollar!" 
    Man: "You see, that's the kind of dedication we have to our employees, and
    	the quality of our shoes. Aeris running shoes...always
    	running......from something!" 
    1n. Fernandos New Beginings:
    Fernando: "Has your marriage gone stale? Has the spark gone out of your
    	love life? Looking to add a little adventure to the monotony of
    	monogamy? Hello...I am Fernando Martinez, founder of 'Fernando's New
    	Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. We
    	understand how 2 kids and a mortgage can take the passion out of your
    	life. With our three-step program, you'll re-discover
    Phil: "Hi, my name's Phil. I've got 3 kids, 2 cars and a mortgage. My love
    	life was going stale, even before my wife's car accident! Then I
    	called 'New Beginning!' Thanks to Fernando, I'm still married. But on
    	Wednesday afternoons, I meet Barbara at the motel by the turnpike."
    Fernando: "See...the passion, she is back. Phil's marriage...is saved. And
    	his kids will have a daddy to look up to. Call 'New Beginnings'
    	today...cinco cinco cinco- nueve dos nueve dos". It will be a
    	miracle, I guarantee it! 'Fernando's New Beginnings,' we turn an
    	ending...into a new beginning!" 
    1o. Pogo The Monkey:
    Female Voice: "We've got a new friend for everyone!" 
    Pogo: "Aauh...aauuh...auuhh!" 
    Female Voice: "He's got fur, and a tail, he gets in lots of trouble, but
    	he's a bouncy little fellow. Cos he's got springs for legs! *boing
    	boing* Pogo the Monkey, the best new videogame for the whole
    Girl: "I love you Pogo, you bounce!" 
    Female Voice: "Help Pogo escape from the evil research laboratory, where
    	the mean old scientists genetically altered him! Uh-oh, the
    	pharmaceutical scientist is going to get you Pogo!" 
    Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a gold coin." 
    Female Voice: "Good thing Pogo has a banana cannon! Those nasty scientists
    	deserved to die! Now get the shampoo manufacturers before they squirt
    	it in your eye!" 
    Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a diamond!" 
    Female Voice: "You'll guide Pogo through tons of adventures, including
    	saving Timmy, who fell down the well." 
    Timmy: "Heeeelllp!" 
    Pogo: "Ooh aah ahh aah!" 
    Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a big watch!" 
    Female Voice: "Rescue the cat from the tree with your banana cannon
    Cat: "Meeeeeoww" *boooom* 
    Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car!" 
    Female Voice: "And help Pogo to his final mission...destroying the White
    	House with his friends and become President of the United States!" 
    Pogo: "Aauuhh!" 
    Female Voice: "Pogo the Monkey's the game kids are sure to stare at for
    	hours! Everyone loves Pogo! Idiot Gamer called Pogo the best spring
    	and simian game since Bouncing Bananas! Buy the game Pogo the Monkey
    	today. Right Pogo!?!" 
    Pogo: "Auuhh...auuhh..aauuhhh!" 
    Female Voice: <fast speech> "And coming soon...Pogo the Monkey card game,
    	Pogo the Monkey plastic dolls, Pogo the Monkey quilt covers and Pogo
    	the Monkey car covers. For the dad who has everything, why not a Pogo
    	the Monkey tie and sports jacket, for the lady in your life why not
    	Pogo the Monkey chocolates and hygiene products so she smells like a
    	real monkey? And for kids a life size living springing breathing
    	monkey, all available at pogothemonkey.com!" <end fast speech>
    B. Contact Information
    My E-mail address is: "Yankees101788@msn.com" of course without the quotes.
    My AIM (AOL Instant Messanger) name is:  "Mazzocchi88" once again without
    the quotes. Please IM, E-mail me with anny at all suggestions/corrections.
    C. Special Thanks
    Special Thanks to:
    To: Rock Star and DMA for making this game,
    To: "PackingHeat" for some of the commercials by me using his "Chatterbox
    Diolague FAQ" for some of them
    To: "FaaipdeOiad14" for telling me that I missed a "Pets Overnight" 
    D. Legal Stuff
    Copyright John Mazzocchi 2002.
    This FAQ is for personal use only and may not be duplicated in anny
    form without espress writen consent by the author. If you wish to
    post this FAQ on a website, contact the author at the E-Mail address
    This FAQ Can Be used By The Following Web Sites:
    THANKS AND PEACE OUT! J () |-| |\|  /\/\ /-\ Z Z () ( ( |-|

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