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Chatterbox Dialog Script by Packing Heat
Version: 3 | Updated: 09/17/02
CHATTERBOX DIALOGUE Version 3 GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 This document was produced by Packing Heat (firstname.lastname@example.org) for the Playstation2 version of Grand Theft Auto 3 ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ** What's this all about? ** I wrote this some months ago, it's the full dialogue for the Chatterbox radio station of Grand Theft Auto 3. I just never turned it into an FAQ and left it on my computer. So here it is. ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ** Updates ** 17th September 2002 - Nike thing Something about Nike and Ares running shoes in the Insight bit (from Dr. Nick Riviera). 9th August 2002 - smoothness... Someone's put together a really cool site with this document featured in a smooth HTML stylee. Check out www.gamefm.net in the Humour section. 7th August 2002 - various error corrections. 17th June 2002 - Yes, "that guy" that Maria talks about is "that guy" that you play as. Thanks to the numerous emails about this. And yes, Toni is the same Toni that you work for. 28th May 2002 - error correction. 16th May 2002 - haven't to round to updating in a while, but lots of corrections via emails. Also formatted it all into more aesthetic format. Enjoy. 23rd April 2002 - corrections coming from my Inbox. New section - Inter Relationships (via email from John). Special mention to the bloke who emailed me thinking that "sueno" was (and I quote) "a popular children's beverage". Indeed, and Einstein invented gravity. ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ** Table of contents ** *Use CTRL+F and search for the segment/commercial name* 001 ... Segment 1 - Squirrel guy "You ever ate possum? Man that's good eating!" 002 ... Commercial 1 - Dormitron "She was too fat for me, and I'll sleep with anything!" 003 ... Commercial 2 - Maibatsu Monstrosity 1 "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity... mine's bigger!" 004 ... Segment 2 - Fake name woman "Hi Lazlow. Is that your real name? Are you Hungarian?" 005 ... Segment 3 - Vegetable man "Albino carrots, as they're known back home." 006 ... Segment 4 - Jane the difficult parent "I love that button!" 007 ... Segment 5 - SPANKed up guy "SPANK...SPANK SPANK SPANK!" 008 ... Commercial 3 - Equinox "Equinox ... softening life's harsh realities!" 009 ... Commercial 4 - Liberty City Survivor "...and let them hunt each other down!" 010 ... Segment 6 - Short guy "You're all the same, you giants!" 011 ... Segment 7 - Gun caller "Countries that don't have guns, aren't American!" 012 ... Segment 8 - Taxes "Good point, that's a lesson to us all." 013 ... Segment 9 - English guy "Freddy needs a nanny..." 014 ... Segment 10 - Sine & Cosine guy "I find it invigorating, and even sexy." 015 ... Commercial 5 - House of Tomorrow "I can get email in the shower..." 016 ... Segment 11 - Fernando Martinez "I love my wife, even though she is a fat baulker!" 017 ... Commercial 6 - Pets Overnight 1 "Gee whillikers... it's a puppy!" 018 ... Segment 12 - Spank kids guy "My daddy used to whoop tar out of me!" 019 ... Segment 13 - Killer bees "They are like sheep, they are going to take over!" 020 ... Segment 14 - C.R.A.P. "Citizens Raging Against Phones" 021 ... Commercial 7 - Sue your boss "... falling down and holwling like a sissy..." 022 ... Segment 15 - Puppet festival "Guys with puppets get chicks!" 023 ... Commercial 8 - Medieval Millennium Fair "...the joys of being a fuedal servant." 024 ... Segment 16 - Nude dude "I'm naked and I feel soooo good!" 025 ... Segment 17 - Donald Love "Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy." 026 ... Segment 18 - Bob from Pike Creek "No more dead teachers, no more angry students." 027 ... Commercial 9 - Maibatsu Monstrosity 2 "...and in amphibious mode - it can cross rivers." 028 ... Commercial 10 - Pets Overnight 2 "Would you like a giraffe? Mooooo!" 029 ... Segment 19 - Linda the Internet woman "I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated" 030 ... Segment 20 - Maria calls in "My name's Maria, you know, like mama-mia..." 031 ... Segment 21 - Jeff - rally in the park "...grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'listen son'!" 031 ... Segment 22 - I'm moving out "...the big 4-0, it...it's just time to go." 032 ... Commercial 11 - Ares Running Shoes "My friend Joey sewed his hands together." 033 ... Commercial 12 - Pets Overnight 3 "Delivering little bundles of love...in a box..." 034 ... Segment 23 - Reed Tucker "Can we get some bacon in here?!?" 035 ... Segment 24 - Crazy guy "They already got me once...but never again!" 036 ... Segment 25 - I like working here "...except that we have a snack-machine." 037 ... Segment 26 - Language dispute & hopscotch "I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch." 038 ... Commercial 13 - Fernando's New Beginnings "But on Wednesday afternoon, I meet Barbara at the hotel..." 039 ... Commercial 14 - Pets Overnight 1 "Gee whillikers, it's a puppy!" 040 ... Segment 27 - Inconsiderate people "Oh come on lady, you don't have 2 dollars?!" 041 ... Segment 28 - Military bloke "They even wired kangaroos with explosives..." 042 ... Segment 29 - Tony Capriani calls in "Toni? How'd you know my name is Toni?" 043 ... Commercial 15 - Pogo the Monkey "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car." 045 ... Insight 044 ... Legal stuff Seg 1 - Squirrel guy Lazlow: "Alright, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox, where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones...hello caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating." Lazlow: "Naah, I really can't say I have." Caller: "Hell, ya aught to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good eating. Possum, raccoons, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty good." Lazlow: "Err, do you have anything else to say, or..." Caller: "Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes attached...it's like...a fortune cookie with wings. Squirrels...squirrels is not so good, they...taste like goldfish...meat's real stringy...ya know what I mean?" Lazlow: "Ermm, actually, I can't say that I do...umm...but if I did eat too much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the Dormatron...unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night." Dormitron (commercial) Woman: "I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two- hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage." Man: "She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!" Woman: "The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!" Man: "Except for exercising and eating right, porky!" Woman: "That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!" Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!" Male Voice: "Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com <http://www.sleepofflard.com>, and sleep your way to a thinner, happier you!" Maibatsu Monstrosity (commercial) Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just makes me feel better!" Woman: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!" Seg 2 - Fake name woman Lazlow: "Heh, that's a good commercial. I..I love commercials, don't you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now. Hello caller, you are on the air." Caller: "Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?" Lazlow: "Huh? Of course it's my real name!" Caller: "Are you Hungarian?" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...nooo, I'm from up-state." Caller: "Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names!" Lazlow: "Do you have a question, or do you wanna just...sit here all day and talk about my name?" Caller: "No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or Beverly, whatever your name is." Seg 3 - Vegetable man Lazlow: "Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your mind?" Caller: "Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're known back home." Lazlow: "Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice, that's on later!" Caller: "Nooo, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible...im- possible, I tell ya." Seg 4 - Jane difficult parent Lazlow: "Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today. Hello Jane..." Jane: "Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mummy, mummy, where's the reset button?.' Kids these days, they think life is a game. Well it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame, called Pogo the Monkey..." Lazlow: "Yeah, I've heard of that one..." Jane: "The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames. Lazlow...life does not have a reset button!" Lazlow: "Right, but this show does..." *beeeeep* "I love that button." Seg 5 - SPANKed up guy Lazlow: "You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if you're in our key demographic." Donald Love: "Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment together." Lazlow: "Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh, you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!" Lazlow: "Err...what's your question?" Caller: "SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this..." Caller: "Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!" Lazlow: "How's that?" Caller: "Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I..I've read books!" Lazlow: "And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?" Caller: "Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!" Lazlow: "I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy in later life..." Caller: "I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!" Lazlow: "Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important messages..." Caller: "Sell out!" Equinox (commercial) Woman: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help navigating life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered Equinox!" Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox, I've been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to fall unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never need to sleep." Male Voice: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your doctor about Equinox...today." Male: <fast speech>"Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a car, pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a history of mental disorders. </fast speech> Male Voice: "Equinox...softening life's harsh realities!" Liberty City Survivor (commercial) Male Voice: "Tonight...the TV event that will make history...Liberty City Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll take 20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade launchers and flamethrowers...and let them hunt each other down!! It's the reality show where you...just might be...part of the action!!" Man: "I was grabbing a sandwich in the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day in the hospital!" Male Voice: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left standing!! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24hour live webcast!......Liberty City Survivor!!......Natural selection...has come home!!.......<quiet speech> Sponsored by AmmuNation. Please remember to put litter in it's place.</quiet speech>" Seg 6 - Short guy Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline, and tell us what's on your mind, line 4, you're on Chatterbox..." Caller 1: "LIBERTY CITY COCKS RUUULE!!!" Lazlow: "Aah, that's lovely, thanks. Next caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller 2: "That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are made from sand." Lazlow: "Okay, great, another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on Chatterbox." Caller 3: "Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well, you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the frigging cheesy-swirls at the grocery store." Lazlow: "Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against ya, I mean..." Caller 3: "You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego- maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants, 'oh, I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf, hey, what's the weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you get that, your closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?' Who do you think you are?!?!? Short people are people too!!!" Seg 7 - Gun caller Lazlow: "Al-right, another award-winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say about anything, call now. Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox" Caller: "Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions, that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about 'guns kill people,' guns don't kill people, death kills people. Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. You can't die from a bullet. You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I only use my machine-gun in the safety of my own home and car. I ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't American." Lazlow: "Y-you know that's a really good point. Countries that don't have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns, we'd have less shootings in this country." Seg 8 - Taxes Lazlow: "Alright, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes." Lazlow: "You mean...the lone-star state?" Caller: "No, taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My father worked his whole life, he played the Lottery, and now the state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that stuff. Buy your own Lottery tickets, you know, hey!?!" Lazlow: "Good point, that's a lesson to us all." Seg 9 - English guy Lazlow: "Alright, hello, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to Liberty City from Hampshire, in England." Lazlow: "Oh really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used to the language? Y-you speak English pretty good." Caller: "Oh thank you Lazlow. Yes, yes I do like it here. There's one thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow." Lazlow: "Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in America, eeerr...you know?" Caller: "Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is Lazlow, when, when, when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked. N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and now...now Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to get spanked." Lazlow: "Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development." Caller: "Ab..ab...absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny. He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty boy." Lazlow: "How...how old is your son?" Caller: "Excuse me?" Lazlow: "How old is your son?" Caller: "I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But Freddy needs a nanny..." Lazlow: "Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green card?" Seg 10 - Sine & Cosine guy Lazlow: "This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies, taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of society if you don't understand how the government spends your money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it." Lazlow: "Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be right back after this message." House of Tomorrow (commercial) Female Voice: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the difference between achieving your dreams....." Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!" Female Voice: "...and not..." Man (yokel): "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight?!" Female voice: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest and greatest technological devices...you will fall behind!" Man 2: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was diagnosed with a terminal illness! *cough* ...!" Female Voice: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly people at House of Tomorrow...and they'll set you up with all your twenty-first century technology needs." Man 3: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games...thanks to House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual reality poker...literally anywhere!" Female Voice (posh): "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of absolutely no use to anyone, you can find it at House of Tomorrow! Remember...only technology makes life worth living. House of Tomorrow. We'll upgrade your system then you can upgrade your life!" Seg 11 - Fernando Lazlow: "And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez, who it says here is the founder of 'Fernando's New Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando, welcome." Fernando: "The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I feel blessed." Lazlow: "Err, thanks, so tell me about 'Fernando's New Beginnings." Fernando: "Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is...how you say...sacred. The bond between the father and the mother...it is made in heaven. And, in the bedroom...if you know what I mean." Lazlow: "Err...I think so...heh..." Fernando: "For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many, many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the babies, and....she must also be a whore. A vixen in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is impossible...you change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not." Lazlow: "Well, I mean, you know, it's an age-old problem, I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a marriage?" Fernando: "Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger...how, Lazlow, how? Tell me how and I give you...a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman. But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because...you do not know!" Lazlow: "Well, I mean in this case, ignorance...err...kinda seems like bliss...I err...I wasn't really up for kissing on air...or I mean..." Fernando: "Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about kissing?" Lazlow: "I mea...you brought it up!" Fernando: "No my friend...you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a big difference. If I say, 'imagine if your wife was ugly', you can nod your head. But if I say, 'hey Lazlow, your wife, she look like yesterday's dinner after I eat.' You not so happy. It is a big difference, my friend." Lazlow: "'Anyway..." Fernando: "The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man...is born...a man. And a man with needs...he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A dream. Sueño..." Lazlow: "So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture." Fernando: "Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But yet, I can save you. And I can save your marriage." Lazlow: "Eh-heh, my marriage doesn't need saving, heheh!" Fernando: "Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen, Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees # wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he's not thinking marriage bed, he's thinking about what you thinking about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see." Lazlow: "Aahh...go on..." Fernando: "But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the 'come-here-and-do-this' smile, and then what my friend? What then?" Lazlow: "Erm...I get a sexual harassment suit!" Fernando: "If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your marriage is ruined Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you. Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving my car, and I realize, 'Fernando, you are blessed!' You, are a miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the marriage, and, you save the man. You don't put the marriage first, and you don't put the man first. Maybe, we call it 'Man Marriage.' Then I think to myself...no...this is a bad name! It sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it 'Fernando's New Beginnings.' Because that is...what it is. A new beginning Lazlow." Lazlow: "So, how does this work?" Fernando: "It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread...six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life." Lazlow: "How?" Fernando: "By giving him what he needs...in a controlled environment. I give him passion." Lazlow: "What...with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!" Fernando: "Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no, not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course." Lazlow: "What, so you act like a pimp?" Fernando: "Not a pimp little man, a savior. In a controlled environment I introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost to the miracles of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more could be saved, everyday." Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...and do the wives know about this?" Fernando: "In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved." Lazlow: "Errr...okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones. If you've got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now...eh...hey cool, we have a caller on line 1, caller, you are on Chatterbox." Jerry: "Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time caller, and I just wanted to say 'hey Lazlow, you were real tough on Fernando back there.' I'll tell you one thing...he's a miracle worker! He saved my marriage...and I married a bus of a woman! Now I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes!" Fernando: "See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he is like a broken man. But a half a man... a 'ma', if you will. He has no 'n' anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see Lazlow...Mrs. Jerry...she is not a pretty lady! She is more like an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like a whole offensive line...he feels no pride in himself. He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he cries...'Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife...even though she is a fat porker!' And I say 'Jerry, you are a man. It is a mans duty to love his wife...even if she is like a farmhouse.' Now, Jerry is saved." Lazlow: "By...sleeping with other women." Fernando: "Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing." Lazlow: "A beautiful union by a...an adulterer and queen Kong! That's great. So err...who's on the line now?" Janice: "Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in, but you offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you have on the show?" Lazlow: "Hey Janice, I share your anxiety...the studio kinda...forced him on me!" Fernando: "Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?" Janice: "No, he's an idiot! And a jerk!" Fernando: "But he's probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty, angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for herself. Listen, Janice, you call me...cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve dos-nueve-dos" Lazlow: "Eh-heh....listen...don't try to pimp-out my listeners!" Fernando: "That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor, not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk- show, you Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue." Lazlow: "Eh-heh...who are your people anyway? I..eh...which exotic location do you come from?!?" Fernando: "I am...I am Latin." Lazlow: "Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?" Fernando: "I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!" Lazlow: "So, err...er...where were you called from, Fernando??" Fernando: "From off-state, okay, you happy money now? I'm not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday. Listen...wives, children...if your husband, if your daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week...I give you the world!!!" Lazlow: "Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from up-state, get out of my studio!!!" Fernando: "I save your daddy....I save your husband...it is a miracle.....!!!" Lazlow: "Get outta here...!!!" Fernando: "It is a miracle!!!" Petsovernight 1 (commercial) Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you." Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..." Puppy: "Woof woof woof!" Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!" Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere, just by logging on to petsovernight.com! Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door." Puppy: "Woof!" Seg 12 - Spank kids guy Lazlow: "And now it's time for a public service announcement from station owner Donald Love." Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love Media station. Enjoy!" Lazlow: "Alright, we're back here on Chatterbox, the radio show that never gets old. I'm Lazlow, with open ears and a closed mind. Hello, you're on the air, what's your name?" Caller: "I wanted to talk about spanking!" Lazlow: "Oh God...not another one...!" Caller: "I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong." Lazlow: "So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of our society." Caller: "Exactly! I knew you'd understand Lazlow! My daddy used to whoop the tar out of me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of my ear. Didn't do me no harm. Look at me now, I'm the best pest- control guy in east Portland. I've killed more rats, roaches and vermin that you can imagine, and I love it. This is such a great country, I wouldn't be where I am today if my daddy hadn't beat me senseless." Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water! Listen...if there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my voice, please, call the show right now, this is an SOS, going out across the city!" Seg 13 - Killer bees Lazlow: "Hello caller, you are on the air. Are you sane!?! Eh-heh...are you a sane caller?!?" Caller: "Absolutely Lazlow. Killer bees!" Lazlow: "K..killer bees!?" Caller: "Yes, killer bees! Did you know that the current migration north continues, we will all be dead in 3 years?!? Do you want to become a bee's supper?!? I don't! That's why we must act now!!! Killer bees must be stopped!" Lazlow: "I wonder why more people aren't talking about this, I mean, killer bees swarming, and it sounds pretty serious!" Caller: "Aah...but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them! They are like sheep, they are going to take over!!" Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller." Seg 14 - C.R.A.P. Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's plaguing you? Call now! Chatterbox, hello, you're on the air..." Caller: "Err yes...I'd like to say something about these damn people on trains and busses in this city who yammer on and on into their cell phones. I'm really glad to hear about what your having for dinner! What we should do, is herd them up, and put them on an island. I am the President of a group called Citizens Raging Against Phones." Lazlow: "CRAP?!?" Caller: "Exactly!" Lazlow: "Your organization's called 'crap,'...wh...what kind of moron are you...you wanna round people up for using a phone?!? But you...your calling up on a phone t...to tell the world about it! I...I mean, how many people are there in this 'crap'?" Caller: "Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!!" Lazlow: "How many people?" Caller: "There are three of us. It's hard organizing meetings without the phones though. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons, and they keep disappearing." Lazlow: "What are you speaking to me on? What...what's that in your hand?" Caller: "I am not the problem! You are! And you're perpetuating the downfall of mankind! Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything." Lazlow: "Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and 3 houses when the telephone was invented!" Caller: "Liar!!" Lazlow: "You're the liar!" Caller: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Lazlow: "What are...are you three years old?!?" Caller: "Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar!! I bet that isn't even your real name" Lazlow: "Shut up!!" Caller: "You shut up!!" Lazlow: "Stupid!" Caller: "Nanny nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!" Lazlow: "Ohh...we're going to commercials!" Sue your boss (commercial) Male Voice: "Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued? Does working take time away from family and social events like watching wrestling? There's an easy solution! Sue your boss!! See, the great thing about this country is you can sue anyone for pretty much anything! And you'll probably win! Or at least get a settlement! At the firm of Rakin and Ponzer personal injury attorneys, we can show you how falling down and howling like a sissy can result in a large damage award from your employer. We also specialize in awards for injuries suffered in auto, bus and train accidents! And can even train you to throw yourself in front of a bus and pretend to be injured. Hey, that's why they pay for insurance! Call the law offices of Rakin and Ponzer, and get ready to enjoy a life of luxury!" Seg 15 - Puppet festival Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, let's...er...go to the Chatterline here...hello, caller...you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware that..." Lazlow: "...Okay, now this is a radio-show, we don't have viewers...we have listeners..." Caller: "...Er...okay...anyway, Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware the first international puppetry festival is next month at the fairgrounds, bro. If you're interested in becoming a puppet master, or a ventriloquist, you should definitely come down dude, it's gonna be totally killer!" Lazlow: "Heh, I wasn't aware that there was much demand for puppet shows these days." Caller: "Oh man, have you been living under a rock bro? Guys with puppets get chicks! I take my monkey puppet to the park all the time, we play hackey sack together, it's rad! But anyway dude, at the international puppetry festival, we'll be having workshops on finger puppets too! 'Hello Petunia the Pinky, meet Barney the Thumb...'. String puppets, club puppets...dude it's gonna rock!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...okay, thanks." Caller: "Hope to see you there, Lazlow. Hey by the way, can you give me that guy Fernando's number?" Lazlow: "Naah...I'm sorry, Fernando hasn't paid his bills to our ad-sales department. But here's someone who has. And they paid us in stacks of old groats and gold guineas, we'll be back after this..." Medieval Millennium Fair (commercial) Man: "Do you live in the boring suburbs but dream of living in a lonely castle on a windswept moor? Do you long to trade in your sweat suit for a hundred pound suit of armour and swap your SUV for a noble stallion? Do you eat microwave dinners...all the while wishing you were roasting a succulent pig at a pagan banquet? Is your next ideal home-improvement a moat? Well get ready, Liberty City!!" Man2: "This weekend and every weekend at Liberty City Park, it's the Medieval Millennium Fair. Our band of traveling minstrels, knights and maidens oh so fair are ready to delight you, with tales of the black death, witch burnings, and the joys of being a feudal serf. Forget about air-conditioning and modern medicine...we've got all the leeches, spells and potions you need at the Medieval Millennium Fair. Learn the art of cooking with turnips! Yum yum. Buy genuine reproduction medieval artifacts, including maces, double-handed battle swords, and one-size-fits-all chainmail. And this weekend only...pick up an authentic mechanical Lady of the Lake and Excalibur. It's perfect for your garden pond or swimming pool! And learn how to rid your condo of vermin, using a penny whistle, and a mysterious prancing German named Hans! The Medieval Millennium Fair, every weekend at Liberty City Park." Seg 16 - Nude dude Lazlow: "Alright Liberty City, you are listening to Chatterbox, the show that is the number one reason...for the success of the internet. Alright, let's take a call...who's on the line?" Caller: "Clothes!" Lazlow: "Wh...what about them?!" Caller: "Clothes!" Lazlow: "What are you talking about??" Caller: "Lazlow...clothes!! Clothes, Lazlow! I hate 'em, I just hate 'em!" Lazlow: "Eh...we're a...we're all about opinions on Chatterbox, which is er...Liberty City's premiere phone-in station. But...why don't you like clothes...?" Caller: "I just hate them, they're so constricting! I mean does a lion wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle! So why can't I, a humble citizen, go naked!?!" Lazlow: "Well I mean I guess a lion has two distinct advantages over you. One, I mean you say a king, and therefore it can exercise it's royal prerogative to not wear clothes, and two, it's a cat, and therefore doesn't have to, and three, I mean...now that I think about it...if you want to try to dress a lion you can, but...I...I guess what we're learning is that life can be a little unfair at times!" Caller: "I'm naked, Lazlow!! I'm naked!!" Lazlow: "I...you know...I really didn't need to know that!" Caller: "Why Lazlow, why? Does it offend you?? I was born naked, I'm gonna die naked! I'm going to live naked! So there! There's nothing wrong with being naked!! It's so invigorating feeling the hot leather of a chair...or the cool wind from the north on your naked body." Lazlow: "I..I...I'm gonna have to cut you off..." Caller: "Don't you believe in free speech...and free expression? No, of course you don't...all you believe in is free drinks!! I'm naked and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! I'm naked and I feel sooo good!" Lazlow: "Wh...what about winter!?!" Caller: "What d'you mean?!" Lazlow: "You know...I mea...what about winter?! When the wind blows, and it's really cold...I mean...do you prance about like a ninny waiting for your privates to go blue??" Caller: "I was born naked and I'm gonna die naked!!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and all shriveled up by the sound of things!" Caller: "Winter was invented by clothing companies! Clothes are unnecessary. They're ugly! Have you ever cooked in the nude??" Lazlow: "Nah...look is this leading anywhere, cos I mean, we've got a lot of other people waiting to talk about real things here...!" Caller: "Nudity is real! Open your eyes! Take off your pants, come on!! Come on Lazlow, you can be a figure-head for Liberty City naturists! We have more members now for the first time since 1977. Nudity is back! A lot of people are into nudity and really understand the spiritual side." Lazlow: "What?!? Hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean I see the fun in it, but...I just think that clothes have distinct advantages. Like...like not accidentally cooking yourself, or...or when you're working on a building...!" Caller: "We're not swingers! It's not about sex. It's about being one with the world." Lazlow: "Alright dude, groovy, hug a rainbow..." Seg 17 - Donald Love Lazlow: "It's time for a public service announcement from Donald Love." Donald Love: "Hello. I'm Donald Love. Under my guidance, Love Media has emerged as the fastest growing US run media conglomerate of the past five years. With newspapers, radio stations and television across the US and the free world, alongside a wide array of industrial and technology interests, we at Love Media ensure you get the truth behind the story, every time. From films to dog food, from radio to pop music, you can be sure of independent, quality led broadcasting every time you tune it. That's why we're the fastest growing cable supplier and health insurance provider in the north- east. And why our new satellite in China is something all Americans can be proud of. Here at Love Media we are proud of what we have done to help America, and to help hard- working Americans relax. For investment opportunities or information about our new interactive TV service, please go to www.lovemedia.tv...." Lazlow: "Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy." Seg 18 - Bob from Pike Creek Lazlow: "Alright let's go to line 8, hello caller, what's your name?" Bob: "Bob. Bob from Pike Creek." Lazlow: "Hey, er...what's up, Bob from Pike Creek?" Bob: "Well, I been listening to your show, there's always people going on about problems in schools. Guns, people showing disrespect to teachers, drugs...schools are breeding grounds for crime, ain't they?!?" Lazlow: "Well I guess it seems that way!" Bob: "Well I got a reeeal simple solution! Shut 'em down. Shut down the schools and you shut down the problem. No more dead teachers, no more angry students." Lazlow: "Well, but you don't think..." Bob: "No I don't never! Now listen to me! It makes perfect sense! These days, they complain a lot, but you know what...they cost even more! I mean shoes, books, toys, even special tiny furry pets, that sort of crap. It's all about me...me me me me! Well not my Johnny. No sir! Uh-uh! I'm learning him the value of good hard work. Learning him good. At three, we taught him how to clean the bathroom, if he left so much as one hair on the soap it was off to bed with no dinner! You know what? He went to bed a-hungry only 20, maybe 30 times. He learned! Now, he brings his mother lunch in bed every day so that she can sleep in! Let me tell ya, everyone should have their kid serving up food! He even cooks for the whole family! These days he's getting to big to sweep chimneys, so now he's a paralegal at Rankin' and Ponzer! He's seven, and he's making Madge and me twenty-three thousand a year. And on weekends, he doesn't go to the mall, play soccer, read, or do any of that kind of stuff! No no! He works in the basement of a marketing company making photocopies all night. Hell, he goes to sleep during the day, that's another eight grand right there! So now, I'm buying me a fast-boat trailer, what do you say to that ?!?" Lazlow: "Well it sounds kinda like...exploitation to me!" Bob: "Exploitation! Man, you bleeding hearts kill me! Johnny's mine, he's my kid, how can I exploit something I own? Exploitation, you sound like a communist! Kids in Russia, they don't work...that's why everything's so messed up over there! You have to wait one month for toilet paper! And their space station...it was made out of milk crates. I tell ya, we're conformed living it the American way! That, and the only thing more American is having folks work for ya!" Lazlow: "That sounds a little oppressive...and even despotic!" Bob: "Exactly Lazlow, you hit the nail on the head that time! He's my kid, I'm telling ya, just shut the schools down, make the kids work! That book stuff's all for sissies anyway!" Lazlow: "A..and doctors, and politicians, and lawyers and p...whatever, you know I can't even be bothered to argue with you, but I do feel sorry for your little Johnny the seven year old cook chimney-sweep paralegal photocopier because..his daddy's an idiot!! Let's take a quick break." Maibatasu Monstrosity 2 (commercial) Woman: "Phil and I just had another kid. So of course we need a bigger SUV. Being a mom is hard, with soccer, football and lacrosse practice, so we bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It's so big...we lost little Joey in the back and couldn't find him for and hour! When I'm rushing to the mall, or talking on my cell phone, I know me and my family are safe. The Maibatsu Monstrosity has 4- wheel drive, and in amphibious mode...it can cross rivers. So far I've only hit a few puddles, but it's good to know it's there. With the time I save taking shortcuts through the strip-mall parking lot I can focus on the important things. Like gazing longingly at the pool boy or...buying more exercise equipment off the TV. So what if it gets 3 miles to the gallon!? I'm a mom, not a conservationist!" Woman Voice: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!!" Petsovernight 2 (commercial) Male Voice: "Would you like a giraffe?" Cow: "Mooooo!" Male Voice: "Have one delivered. Just log on to petsovernight.com, and we'll send you a giraffe...overnight. Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door." Cow: "Mooeehhh" Seg 19 - Linda the Internet woman Lazlow: "Alright, you are listening to Chatterbox, hosted by me, Lazlow, because I got kicked off the rock station. Let's go over here and talk to somebody about their life. Hello caller, you are on the air." Linda: "Hi Leslie, my name's Linda. I just love your show. I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated. I just wanted to say something about the Internet, you know, the information super-highway, the world-wide-web..." Lazlow: "Yeah, I know...all about it...heh!" Linda: "Isn't it amazing!? I mean it's just incredible. I know a lot of people say it's absolutely a load of crap, but how could they be so dumb? It's remarkable, I think. Think of all the things you can do. I mean, suppose you wanna buy a new CD, what do you do, Leslie?" Lazlow: "I go to a shop...a...and the name's Lazlow!" Linda: "I know Leslie, I'm a regular listener...well I don't, I buy a CD online, and then, I rip the music into a different format, so I can listen to it while I'm jogging. I mean, it's incredible. I also like jazz, and cooking, and bestiality so the Internet is really good for my hobbies. I think it's amazing. I used to go out a lot, but I don't have to go out, ever again! I don't envy those kids with their stock options and their fast cars, they earned them! The Internet has saved my life!" Lazlow: "This is really going nowhere, do you have anything interesting to say at all?" Linda: "Well...um...well, I once conceived the declaration of independence!" Lazlow: "That's phenomenal! That's probably one of the reasons there's so many single men in this city!" Seg 20 - Maria calls in Lazlow: "Alright, let's go over here to line 79, hello, you're on Chatterbox." Maria: "Hello...er..i..i..is that Lazlow?!" Lazlow: "Errr...yes!" Maria: "Heh...oh wow, I'm on a radio, how exciting, oh thank you Lazlow!! Um...is this on the radio, I mean, am..am I actually on the radio right this second??" Lazlow: "Er..er..yes you are! Er...I'm sure it's very exciting for you, but heh...what do you want to talk about?" Maria: "Oh man! I mean, what..what else is there, I could go on all day, but you know how it is don't you Lazlow?!?" Lazlow: "Errr...not really...wh...what's your name, what did you call about?!" Maria: "I..I'm sorry, I'm Maria, you know Ma-ri-a, like mama-mia, o..only different, you know! But...you know...men, m e n, heh, oh it's a dirty word, only there's only 3 letters. Y..y..you know what I mean, I mean you broadcasters are all the same, aren't you, I mean I heard about you, you're always out on...boys nights!!" Lazlow: "Woow woow, w..what are you talking about!? I...I'm married!" Maria: "Oh one of those convenience jobs to protect you, I bet?? I know what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about leopard-skin furniture! So less of that clever stuff, and give me some advice!! I mean, come on, I got real problems! You see...okay...I had this boyfriend, and at first he was real kind to me, he was a real gentleman, a little bit older and everything, but he treated me real good, and...then it all went wrong, y..you know, I found someone else...he seems real nice but he don't talk too much, and I really can't tell if he likes me! Well, I guess what I want to know is...you know, how do you tell if a guy's serious?! I mean...you know, he treats me good but...he don't seem real interested in me, you know, he's always working and hanging out with the guys! Um...say...you don't think he's like you, do you?!" Lazlow: "Wh..what do you mean like me! Wh..what are you insinuating? Th..that he's on the radio!? Well...probably not. Um, y..you're listening to Chatterbox, where your opinion matters, or at least we say that!" Seg 21 - Jeff - rally in the park Lazlow: "Let's go over here to line 4, hello caller, what's your name?" Jeff: "Jeff from Rockford." Lazlow: "Hello Jeff, what's up?" Jeff: "I want to tell you and your listeners about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a difference. There's a rally tomorrow evening at the park. Starting at 7. Although we'll be painting banners and singing songs and all day to prepare for it. Then, when tens-of- thousands have gathered in the park, we're gonna march onto Town Hall. Lazlow, the people have spoken! And they have said 'no, not in my town!' So folks, if you're listening, and want to make a difference, get yourself down to the park, and prepare to bring democracy back to the people." Lazlow: "So...what's this rally about, Jeff?" Jeff: "It's about people standing up and being counted. It's about the future. It's about telling those morons in the suits 'no thanks! Not in my town! Not while I have a breath in my body and hope in my soul! I will not, I cannot let this pass!'" Lazlow: "Let what pass?" Jeff: "It's about grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'listen son, either put-up, or shut up! No more Mr. Nice-guy. No more easy solutions for difficult problems!' It's about what it means to be an American. It's about giving something back." Lazlow: "Giving what back, Jeff?" Jeff: "Hope! Dreams! Belief!" Lazlow: "Belief in what, I mean, look Jeff, I..I admire your passion, really I do, but...what will people be marching for? Wh..what's your rally about!?" Jeff: "It's about justice, Mr. Low! A chance to shine and make a difference! About thousands of people walking side-by-side as brother marchers. Only one thing on their minds - the chance to make a difference! Bring your friends! Nothing shows a man how much you mean to him more than the chance to walk together for justice! Bring your kids! They can paint signs, and we'll even have a face-painter, and a vegen bar-be-que. Bring your parents, dude, even the elderly care about tomorrow!" Lazlow: "I understand that, it sounds like a great rally, but w..we're not a political station and you haven't really told us why people should do this...what is it about?!?" Jeff: "Look..look, do you wanna help or not??" Lazlow: "I don't know what I'm helping!" Jeff: "You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a rally!!" Lazlow: "You don't know what it's for, do you!?!" Jeff: "It's for hope. Please come, everybody! It'll be real good!" Lazlow: "Alright, you fight the power, brother!" Seg 22 - I'm moving out Lazlow: "Say, later on in the show, if your into eh... health foods or martial arts, we'll have a special guest just for you. This guy is reee-ally special! Kinda like a romantic cruise, but...he can't walk on water. Alright let's go to the phones, hello caller, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "Huhh?!?" Lazlow: "Heh-eh...you're on Chatterbox, what's on your mind?" Caller: "Oh wooow, I can't believe it!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...do you have a question?" Caller: "Dude, I call everyday, and I never get through. This is amazing, you do a great show man!" Lazlow: "Heh...thanks...what's er...wh..wh..what's up?" Caller: "No man, I'm serious, really great! You're like...a total inspiration!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...exactly what have I inspired you about?" Caller: "Well, okay, right now I live at home, but pretty soon...like next week dude, I'm moving out...it's er...the big 4-0 and it's...it's...it's just time to go." Lazlow: "Okay...did you have anything relevant to say?" Caller: "Yeah dude, that bee dude was bo-gus! Really bogus! That's all, great show Lazlow!" Lazlow: "I..I appreciate that, y'know that's why I went to broadcasting school. Alright, when we come back from these messages that help supplement my meager salary, we're going to talk to Reed Tucker, it's gonna be a great interview. We'll be right back!" Ares Running Shoes (commercial) Man: "A good shoe starts from the ground up. At Ares, we make high- quality footwear. In fact, you can find Ares running shoes in over 140 countries around the world. In the past, there's been some criticism about our workers! That's why I'm here at one of the Ares factories so you can meet some of them...excuse me sir, do you enjoy your job here?" Kid: "It's fun...we get to play with knives!" Man: "Heh, I see...is there a real sense of teamwork?" Kid: "My friend Joey sewed his hands together!" Man: "Wow, you're learning some real skills. How about the salary, and benefits?" Kid: "Yesterday...I made a dollar!" Man: "You see, that's the kind of dedication we have to our employees, and the quality of our shoes. Ares running shoes...always running......from something!" Petsovernight 3 (commercial) Male Voice: "Buying a gift for the guy that has everything!? Log on to petsovernight.com, we've got exotic pets galore. Including tigers..." Tiger: "Roooar!" Male Voice: "...Cobras..." Cobra: "Hsssssssss!" Male Voice: "...Manatees..." Sheep: "Ee-ee-ee-eehh!" Male Voice: "And white rhinos..." Seal: "Eur..eur...eur!" Male Voice: "All delivered overnight! Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door." Cat: "Miaoow!" Seg 23 - Reed Tucker (Reed speaks with a lisp. Lazlow imitates this lisp sometimes.) Lazlow: "Alright, now joining us in the studio, we have a very special guest, his new book 'Karate and Digestion' has been on top of the 100 best self-help books for the past three weeks. He is the founder of 'Now and Zen' dojo and organic food market in Trenton, his name is Reed Tucker...welcome to Chatterbox, Reed!" Reed: "Why thank you Lazlow, it certainly is an honour to be here today." Lazlow: "So tell me Reed, where did you think of the idea of combining martial arts and organic food, I..I mean it's kinda like putting ice-cream on pizza, both are great but they really shouldn't be put together." Reed: "Okay Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice-cream with pizza, ice-cream is milk-based as we all know, and I am lactose intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well is a sandwich derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. Martial arts are about discipline, and physical empowerment, not watching football and eating junk-food. You have to explore your mind and your digestive system, Lazlow. What you put in...also comes out." Lazlow: "Heh...especially corn, wh..what's the story with that anyway?" Reed: "Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a 430 year old monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment...through carrot juice." Lazlow: "Okay...if you have a question for Reed, we'll be taking calls in a little bit. I think we all went through a ninja period, you know, I had the Chinese stars, and the nunchucks....." Reed: "...this is not a period, Lazlow!! This is the way of life! Thanks to a strict vegen diet, I have the power of nine men. After morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I could chop a bus in half! Sometimes...I even frighten myself!" Lazlow: "Heheh...no offence, but you're kind of a scrawny, pasty dude, it...and it says on the inside cover of your book that you still live in your parent's basement!" Reed: "Okay, it...it's not a basement! I prefer a center for spiritual enlightenment. In chapter 17 of my book, which I know you have read, I address the dangers of cynicism. Lazlow, a closed mind is like a closed fist! And karate means 'open hand!' But it might as well mean 'open mind.' If you like wheat-grass, I think you will really like my book." Lazlow: "Well, I'm not a masticating cow, but I really don't enjoy chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings shouting 'hi- ya!'...." Reed: "Okay Lazlow, I'm warning you this time...do not make me angry! It's bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma. I studied the martial arts so I could stand up to bullies just like you! And I encourage everyone listening out there on Chatterbox to buy my book, and learn how organic food and martial arts can help you, too!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and I encourage anyone who needs a doorstop, or booster seat to buy it as well! Let's see who's on the phones." Reed: "Lazlow, this is your final warning...do not make me go into my...dragon stance!!" Lazlow: "Hehh...hello caller, you are on the air." Caller: "Hello Reed, I bought your book, it really saved my life." Reed: "Why thank you." Caller: "I wanted to ask about chapter 29 - yoga, not yogurt - I just can't give up cheese...it's sooo wonderful! I've rejected chocolate milk and calf's butter out of my life, I've scooted around the house with my legs in behind my head for 2 days now. Well my husband says I look like the chick in The Exorcist. I even put all the dairy on the top shelf in my fridge, so I couldn't reach it with my legs in behind my legs an' all, but I grow week and start knocking things down with a broom. What can I do, Reed?" Reed: "Do not fret my child, we are all weak." Lazlow: "Heh-eh you certainly are!" Reed: "Shut up you carnivore, why don't you go gnaw on a bone like a gorilla Lazlow! Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings, they lived at one with nature and their eco-system. Existing on a diet of nuts, berries and leafy vegetables." Lazlow: "Heheh yes, and they threw stones at their own shadow and died of old-age and fear at 24!" Reed: "Lazlow...the soul is eternal. When I'm in trouble, or tempted by those all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets with huge pans of juicy bacon..." Lazlow: "Can we get some bacon in here!?!" Reed: "Hhhehh. Lazlow, I go back to basics. I start the day with a fruity beverage, some meditation and six hours of yoga. Next I go open up my shop 'Now and Zen,' and drink two pints of hand-pressed potato juice." Lazlow: "And who wants a steak after that?! Okay next caller, you are on Chatterbox with Reed Tucker." Caller: "Yo Reed, kung-fu movies are dope! How can I learn to beat up 10 guys at once?" Reed: "Okay, first things first, my man. You need to stop the negative thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That way you instill fear in you opponent. They never know when you might descend from the rafters...LIKE A BAT!!!" Caller: "I don't want to hear about no tofu running away. I want to learn how to be a ninja, kicking people's arses!" Reed: "Actually I do cover this early on in the book, in chapter 45. It's called 'Stir-fry your Prejudice.' You see, I once thought like you before my master took me under his wing and taught me the joys of soy and origami. Concentration begins in the mind, and spreads to all the extremities of the body. You must use the language of the body, not the tongue! And the language of the body begins with raw, uncooked, organic vegetables. Just look at me, I could tear a phone-book in half with my bear toes! In fact, Lazlow, I could easily chop this desk into two half-desks!!" Lazlow: "This desk is made of two inch thick composite wood pulp, and has a mahogany-veneer finish, it has three draws and, knowing this station cost a hundred dollars. In his own words Reed Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks! Take it away Reed!" Reed: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have already visualized the desk in two half desks, and now, I shall make it so! Dragon stance...HHIII- YAA...OOOHW...OOW LAZLOW, OOH LAZLOW...I think I hurt my hand!! My...my pinky's all bent the wrong way!" Lazlow: <mocking> "Listen karate kid...the desk is still in one piece, thanks for coming on the show!" </mocking> Reed: "Okay Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere! I think I'm gonna hit you now!!" Lazlow: <mocking> "Ohh...I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus or bean curds at me!" </mocking> Reed: "Okay very funny Lazlow, it's easy to make fun of me but it's all the fault of the feng-shui in here, it's damn right disgraceful!" Lazlow: <mocking> "Yes it makes you talk like this! Okay, the listener lines are open, this is Chatterbox." </mocking> Seg 24 - Crazy guy Caller: "Hey Lazlow. That last guy was a lunatic! Where'd you dig him up from, the state loony bin? And that wacko you had going on about killer bees - what a moron!! I mean...just read a newspaper! Killer bees, er..the evils of artificial sweeteners in soda pops, Roswell..i..it's all part of the governments propaganda plan! I might as well wear a satellite dish so they can beam their propaganda right into my brain! C'mon, do you honestly believe the NSA's Echelon system isn't already reading your e- mails and recording your phone conversations? It's all designed to frighten us so we don't complain about our rights being taken away and fighting whatever boogie-men they come up with today!" Lazlow: "Er..well..you realize that the government listens to this station and if they weren't playing particular attention to you before, they're probably gonna be following you now!" Caller: "Oh yeah! L..look they already got me once! But n-e-ver again!" Lazlow: "Heh. Do you have anything else to say?" Caller: "Yeah...FREE KEVIN!!" Seg 25 - I like working here Lazlow: "Alright, we're talking about short guys, killer bees, the magna carta, chi...ah, well, the red light on the wall's flashing which means the owner of this station has an important announcement to make. Let's go live to his office..." Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You are listening to a Love Media Station. Enjoy!" Lazlow: "Wow man, that was deep! You know, I really like working here, this station i..it feels like my second family. Eh-heh, except that we have a snack machine, and I tell ya', working here beats the hell outta digging sewage ditches outside Kuala Lumpur!" Seg 26 - Language dispute & hopscotch Lazlow: "Alright, let's go to the phones! Hello caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "Lazlow man, I...I was listening to that English wimp you were talking to earlier, I mean, do these guys realize how wussy they sound?! I mean, th..they have the nerve to call 'crackers' 'biscuits!' And they say 'al-u-min-ium,' instead of 'aluminum.' I mean...what's up with that!? They all think they sound so smart with their little funny accents, I mean...I got something for 'em...SPEAK ENGLISH, YA LIMEY MORONS!!" Lazlow: "Well you know..I think they were speaking English before we were! Th..the people over here were speaking Shoshone and Cherokee!" Caller: "Man, Cherokee-shmerokee, man! A..and another thing! What's up with them calling 'soccer' 'football?!' Man, y..you ever watched soccer!? Man, that's a boring game, man! I'll tell what soccer is...soccer's for little girls man! Football...now that's an American sport! I..it teaches you good wholesome American values man, like..like stealing other peoples land by force and...and wearing tight pants while you do it!" Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about!?!" Caller: "I'm talking about being a man, Lazlow! Something you wouldn't know anything about by the sound of things. I tell ya, I bet you play wimpy stuff like...like touch football, a..a..and basketball. 'Look, I'm running around the court bouncing the ball and I'm seven foot three!' I'm telling ya man, I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch." Lazlow: "HOPSCOTCH!?! Th..that's a girls game!!" Caller: "Man, that ain't a girls game man! Not rugby hopscotch! Now get me in a scrum and I'm dangerous. I'd take anybody down! I'm the hopscotch master! I gots fly skills at hopscotch...you know what I'm saying??" Lazlow: "Yeah..I..I..I kinda see your point, but you'd be a little cranky too if your empire had fallen apart over the last hundred years! And speaking of commerce, it's time for some commerce here...let's go to commercials, we'll be back after this." Fernando's New Beginnings (commercial) Fernando: "Has your marriage gone stale? Has the spark gone out of your love life? Looking to add a little adventure to the monotony of monogamy? Hello...I am Fernando Martinez, founder of 'Fernando's New Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. We understand how 2 kids and a mortgage can take the passion out of your life. With our three-step program, you'll re-discover romance...guaranteed!" Phil: "Hi, my name's Phil. I've got 3 kids, 2 cars and a mortgage. My love life was going stale, even before my wife's car accident! Then I called 'New Beginning!' Thanks to Fernando, I'm still married. But on Wednesday afternoons, I meet Barbara at the motel by the turnpike." Fernando: "See...the passion, she is back. Phil's marriage...is saved. And his kids will have a daddy to look up to. Call 'New Beginnings' today...cinco cinco cinco- nueve dos nueve dos". It will be a miracle, I guarantee it! 'Fernando's New Beginnings,' we turn an ending...into a new beginning!" Petsovernight 1 (commercial) Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you." Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..." Puppy: "Woof woof woof!" Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!" Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere, just by logging on to petsovernight.com! Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door." Puppy: "Woof!" Seg 27 - Inconsiderate people Lazlow: "Man, who says that e-commerce isn't a brilliant idea? Alright speaking of brilliance, you're listening to Chatterbox, with me Lazlow, let's go over here to the phones and see what's plaguing Liberty City. Hello caller, you're on the air!" Caller: "Wow, I got through! Uh, Lazlow, I think your last 2 callers are a perfect example of manners in this city! People are rude, and they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect example. The other day, I stopped at the store to pick up an exercise bar because I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. So I go up to pay, and the lady's like 'A dollar twenty-five please.' So I get out my cheque-book, and this guy behind me is like 'oh come on lady, you don't have 2 dollars?' And I said 'as a matter of fact...I don't! I spent my last 2 dollars last night buying gas at these ridiculous gas prices. And besides, who are you anyway, can't you see that I'm wearing my 'I walked for the cure' t- shirt?' People are so inconsiderate!" Lazlow: "Well, you'll get no argument from me, I mean...I get every inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling into this show. I mean, people think that I have no feelings what-so-ever!" Caller: "Exactly! Another perfect example! The other day I'm over at the hospital to have my lunch with my girl friend Cherice, and this maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm like 'hey guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind me honking and flashing your lights!' Then he gets over this megaphone and says 'to the woman in the teal Maibatsu Monstrosity, please move to the side!' Can you believe it? I mean, who has a megaphone hooked into their car?! People are sooo obnoxious these days! And rude! I mean, I tell my nanny to teach my kids some manners." Lazlow: "You know, I think that's a lesson to us all! Alright hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "Hello Lazlow..." Lazlow: "...uhh..." Caller: "Did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a nanny because he's been a very naughty boy!" Lazlow: "NOOO, NO NANNIES!!" Seg 28 - Military bloke Lazlow: "Let's go to our next caller, alright." Caller: "Colonel James T. United Stated Marine Corps Second Battalion. Lazlow that caller made a really valid point. These kids today have no respect for authority! And there is one thing that would whip them into shape!" Lazlow: "Heh..l..let me guess! The military!!" Caller: "That's right. The military teaches you respect! Obedience, and it gives you a good pension! These kids that thought they were going to be millionaires, look where the super-information- highway has gotten them! Nowhere! It's a dead end! Uncle Sam takes care of his boys! And some girls! If more people would join the military this would be a better country!! I tell you another thing about respect. These kids don't respect veterans, we fought for your freedom! When I came back from the Australian-American war...I didn't get a heroes welcome...I didnp't get a pack on the back from my friends and neighbours saying 'thanks for fighting for our freedom James!' After years of fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's watching TV!!" Lazlow: "Now..I..I..can you tell me what this Australian-American war was...I..I never really heard of it!" Caller: "God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son?? The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the big one! I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang shrapnel in my head to come back here, and have a bunch of hippies deny our history! Those Aussies are ruthless! They even wired kangaroos with explosives...come hopping in the camp and knock out ten guys!" Lazlow: "Well thanks for the history lesson!" Seg 29 - Toni Capriani calls in Lazlow: "Alright let's go over here. Hello caller, you're on Chatterbox." Toni: "Yeah? Is that Lazlow?" Lazlow: "Yes it is. Who is this?" Toni: "My name ain't important! It's real un-important, okay?!" Lazlow: "Er...no not really, I mean this is a radio show, people usually tell us their name." Toni: "My name I is real un-important! If you wanna keep on being a wise-guy, you'll find out just how un-important....like...un-important I just got shot in the head un-important! Do I make myself clear?!?" Lazlow: "Err..yes...wh..why are you calling in today?" Toni: "Because I need some advice. And I ain't doing any of that shrink shit!" Lazlow: "Er..i..if you swear again, we're gonna have to cut you off, this is a family show." Toni: "Sorry sorry, sorry...I'm..I'm..I'm just a little unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a mans job an all, but, she treats me like a little boy! All I get is 'your pa' this and 'your pa' that and 'you ain't a real man Toni' and it's driving me freakin' nuts!!" Lazlow: "Well, Toni..." Toni: "Toni!? How'd you know my name was Toni?? You tracing this call? Cos if you are, you're gonna get real intimately acquainted with...what your brains look like! My name ain't Toni....okay!?!" Lazlow: "Err...okay." Toni: "But my ma, she keeps going 'Toni Toni, be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!' But all I do is to be a good son, and I want her to show that she cares for me! Show that...she loves me! And you know...say I was a good kid! But...it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?" Lazlow: "Well Ton...I mean sir...you know in life we have a lot of obligations, and we just have to kinda...face up to them...and right now, I'm obligated to play some commercial announcements. We'll be back right after this!" Pogo the Monkey (commercial) Female Voice: "We've got a new friend for everyone!" Pogo: "Aauh...aauuh...auuhh!" Female Voice: "He's got fur, and a tail, he gets in lots of trouble, but he's a bouncy little fellow. Cos he's got springs for legs! *boing boing* Pogo the Monkey, the best new videogame for the whole family." Girl: "I love you Pogo, you bounce!" Female Voice: "Help Pogo escape from the evil research laboratory, where the mean old scientists genetically altered him! Uh-oh, the pharmaceutical scientist is going to get you Pogo!" Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a gold coin." Female Voice: "Good thing Pogo has a banana cannon! Those nasty scientists deserved to die! Now get the shampoo manufacturers before they squirt it in your eye!" Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a diamond!" Female Voice: "You'll guide Pogo through tons of adventures, including saving Timmy, who fell down the well." Timmy: "Heeeelllp!" Pogo: "Ooh aah ahh aah!" Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a big watch!" Female Voice: "Rescue the cat from the tree with your banana cannon Pogo..." Cat: "Meeeeeoww" *boooom* Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car!" Female Voice: "And help Pogo to his final mission...to storm the White House with his friends and become President of the United States!" Pogo: "Aauuhh!" Female Voice: "Pogo the Monkey's the game kids are sure to stare at for hours! Everyone loves Pogo! Idiot Gamer called Pogo the best spring and simian game since Bouncing Bananas! Buy the game Pogo the Monkey today. Right Pogo!?!" Pogo: "Auuhh...auuhh..aauuhhh!" Female Voice: <fast speech> "And coming soon...Pogo the Monkey card game, Pogo the Monkey plastic dolls, Pogo the Monkey quilt covers and Pogo the Monkey car covers. For the dad who has everything, why not a Pogo the Monkey tie and sports jacket, for the lady in your life why not Pogo the Monkey chocolates and hygiene products so she smells like a real monkey? And for kids a life size living springing breathing monkey, all available at pogothemonkey.com!" </fast speech> ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ** Insight ** - "Maria Calls In" is the Maria that you meet in the game. "That guy" she talks about is indeed your character, and her old boyfriend is Salvatore. - The C.R.A.P. lady talks about using carrier pigeons to dispatch her messages, and that they always disappear. The Squirrel Guy is eating them... "Sometimes, they come with notes attached, like a fortune cookie with wings." - Crazy guy calling about SPANK, which your character spends much of his time thwarting the Cartel's SPANK racket. - The woman mentioned in a teal Maibatsu Monstrosity is the Inconsiderate Woman... - I suspect the "Taxes" caller may be Joey Leone, but I don't have a shred of evidence to prove it, apart from that the caller sounds to me like he has an Italian accent, and the idea that no respectable crime boss would pay taxes. Again, no proof. - At the end of the Crazy Guy segment, the caller yells "FREE KEVIN!" He's referring to Kevin Mitnick, an amateur radio host who was charged with... something-or-other. Anyway, you can read more about it at http://www.kevinmitnick.com/ - Jane (the difficult parent) mentions a banana cannon, and rushing around collecting gold coins. These are references to Pogo the Monkey, the videogame talked about during commercials. ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ** Contributors and Legal Stuff** Compiled by Packing Heat This document Copyright (c) to Packing Heat. I am in no way affiliated with Rockstargames, DMA Design, Sony or Playstation(r)2 in any way. E-mail me : email@example.com if you wish to use this on your site, have found errors, or just want to populate your list. Thanks to the following GameFAQs users for helping decipher some phrases... Jazztronaut, panther V, Nargosi, Alter EGO, allanwu, xSpike28x, ernster, ecwraven, Fiend138 Pacdude, Kasper Nymand, Lain_Lover_2005, Rob McGregor, Becky Moler, Beto Cárdenas, Peter Veness - various error corrections. In listening to the commericial, everything being said about the shoe is a blatant attack on Nike brand shoes. There have been news reports of Nike shoes being made by children in sweat shops for just cents a day. Remember the little boy saying, "Yesterday, I made a dollar?" Anyhow, since Nike is the Greek goddess of victory in mythology, the name Ares, who is the Greek god of war was chosen as a blatant rip-off of Nike brand shoes. - Dr. Nick Riviera Snesman64 - for a whole bunch of corrections, an alarmingly good knowledge and frequent use of the word "bestiality", and for sending me 2 emails longer than the liquid-viagra ones that used to frequent my Inbox on a daily basis. John Mitch - some of the Insight section. Qbsean10 - missing text in the Survivor advert. Matt Perry - "I watched for the cure" t-shirt, and Shoshone and Cherokee Justin Franzen - numerous corrections, also the Shoshone and Cherokee Everyone who emailed me telling me who Maria was. Thanks. You may find this document at - www.gamefaqs.com (txt format) www.neoseeker.com (txt format) www.gamefm.net (HTML format) & random geocities sites That's it. Enjoy!