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Guide and Walkthrough by odino

Version: 1.0 | Updated: 12/08/2010
FAQ of the Month Winner: December 2010


                                 Leisure Suit
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  ### #           ########      ### #    #####    ##=#    # ###       ######
 #######        ####  ####      # # #   ## ###    ##=#########          #####
   ########   ####### ## ##     #.# ########      ###=#########         #####
            ################    #####  #######    ## .##   #####
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                                Love For Sail!

PC 1996

Version:        1.0     released on the 8th of December 2010
Author:         odino   http://www.gamefaqs.com/features/recognition/47976.html
This guide is EXCLUSIVELY available to GameFAQs.

| .========================================================================. |
| |                           TABLE OF CONTENTS                            | |
| '========================================================================' |
| 01.) Introduction                                              |   G0100   |
| 02.) Basics                                                    |   G0200   |
|      Verbs                                                     |   G0210   |
|      Conversation Topics                                       |   G0220   |
| 03.) Walkthrough                                               |   G0300   |
| 04.) Point List                                                |   G0400   |
| 05.) Dildo Locations                                           |   G0500   |
| 06.) Easter Eggs                                               |   G0600   |
| 07.) Items                                                     |   G0700   |
| 08.) Script                                                    |   G0800   |
|       La Costa Lotta Bedroom                                   |   G0801   |
|       La Costa Lotta Patio                                     |   G0802   |
|       On the Mizzenmast                                        |   G0803   |
|       Bridge Exterior                                          |   G0804   |
|       Bridge Interior                                          |   G0805   |
|       Captain's Quarters Exterior                              |   G0806   |
|       Captain's Quarters Interior                              |   G0807   |
|       Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge                                 |   G0808   |
|       Juggs' Dressing Room                                     |   G0809   |
|       Lounge Bar, Entrance To Juggs' Dressing Room             |   G0810   |
|       Horseshoe Competition                                    |   G0811   |
|       Poop Deck                                                |   G0812   |
|       Outdoor Decks                                            |   G0813   |
|       Clothing Optional Pool                                   |   G0814   |
|       Boning Suite                                             |   G0815   |
|       Blind Dessert Tasting Test Room                          |   G0816   |
|       The Heaving Ho'                                          |   G0817   |
|       Das Grande Atriumo                                       |   G0818   |
|       Purser's Desk M.S.                                       |   G0819   |
|       El Replicant Sculpture Garden                            |   G0820   |
|       Casino                                                   |   G0821   |
|       Employees Only Area                                      |   G0822   |
|       Bowling Competition Area                                 |   G0823   |
|       Captain Queeg's Ballroom                                 |   G0824   |
|       Captain Queeg's Ballroom Exterior                        |   G0825   |
|       Sexual Prowess Competition                               |   G0826   |
|       Cook-Off Competition Area                                |   G0827   |
|       Library                                                  |   G0828   |
|       Best Dressed Competition Area                            |   G0829   |
|       Pinsetter Hold                                           |   G0830   |
|       Pinsetter Bulkhead Door                                  |   G0831   |
|       Cabin 510 (Dewmi Moore's Cabin)                          |   G0832   |
|       Beaver Hold                                              |   G0833   |
|       Beaver Bulkhead Door                                     |   G0834   |
|       Luggage Storage Hold                                     |   G0835   |
|       Luggage Bulkhead Door                                    |   G0836   |
|       Kitchen                                                  |   G0837   |
|       Cabin 0 Hallway                                          |   G0838   |
|       Cabin 0                                                  |   G0839   |
|       Ship Announcements                                       |   G0840   |
|       Generic Narrator Responses                               |   G0841   |
| 09.) Characters                                                |   G0900   |
| 10.) Locations                                                 |   G1000   |
| 11.) Strip Liar's Dice                                         |   G1100   |
| 12.) Gags                                                      |   G1200   |
| 13.) Secrets & Cheats                                          |   G1300   |
| 14.) Game Credits                                              |   G1400   |
| XX.) FAQ                                                       |   GXX00   |
| YY.) Version History                                           |   GYY00   |
| ZZ.) Credits & Thanks                                          |   GZZ00   |

01.)                    INTRODUCTION                                 G0100

Welcome to 'Leisure Suit Larry: Love for Sail!' for the PC, the final true
Leisure Suit Larry adventure game released by Sierra in 1996. It is also
sometimes referred to as Leisure Suit Larry 7 or just LSL7 for short.

The walkthrough for this game is complete and includes a point list, dildo
locations and easter eggs. By following the walkthrough you will also get all
the points, dildos and easter eggs possible in the game.

If you spot any errors or have suggestions please feel free to e-mail me about
it. Enjoy!

02.)                    BASICS                                       G0200

Menus at the top work like in an operating system application.

Filth Level: This option would alter the filth level if there were actually any
             such feature. Basically this is a joke and if you try to reduce
             the filth level you get a "(Not yet implemented.)" error. You
             start out at "Filthy" and each increase adds a new adverb in this
             order: Very, Extremely, Super, Extra, Ultra, Exceptionally, Mondo,
             Incredibly, Mighty, Fully, Quite, Entirely, Utterly, Without
             Reservation, Wholly, Completely, Thoroughly, Widely, Extensively,
             Universally, Globally. Remember that this is just for show.

 #   ### ##
 #      ## ##
 ##       ## #
  ###      ## ##
    ##       ## ###
      ##       ##  #
       ###       # #
         ##  #### #
         ###     ##

Right click is a shortcut menu:
MAP:       Map screen, used very often to travel around
INVENTORY: Your items in an overview where you can look at them and combine if
           necessary, possibly open to get other items
SCORE:     Your current score (out of a 1,000)
SAVE:      Save the game, you can only load from the menu bar at the top.
THE BOSS!: Minimizes the screen

Unlike some previous Larry games, you cannot die in game nor get stuck. You
can roam around the ship quite freely which is very nice.

The number in the ()s is the amount of points you get during the game and the
amount you should have at this stage if you have been following this
walkthrough. They are listed again in the point list for a quick overview.

Commands in CAPITAL letters are typed manually and not found in the game by
default. When the guide says *DILDO* there is a dildo found in this area, check
the complete list if you cannot find it. *EE* is a reference to Easter Eggs
which also has its own section.

Info about bugs and other problems can be found on Al Lowe's personal website,
www.allowe.com (31st April 2005). I suggest you have a look if you come across
any bugs or errors while playing.

Verbs:                                                               G0210
The game uses pre-set verbs for the objects in the game. In addition you can
select "other" and type in another one for any object. Not all verb/object
combinations will give you a useful reply. Alternative uses are divided by

Bend, Twist
Break, Smash, Shatter, Bust, Demolish, Hit
Burp, Belch
Climb in
Crap, Shit, Dump, Mount the throne, Lay cable, Poop, Excrete, Defecate, Take a
 shit, Take a crap, Pinch a loaf, Pinch one
Eat, Slurp, Chew, Swallow
Fart, Toot, Cut one, Drop a bomb, Break wind, Poot
Get up, Rise, Stand
Grope, Fondle
Heave, Vomit, Hurl, Puke, blow chunks, Upchuck, Barf, Ralph, Spew
Jerk off, Masturbate, Whack off, Jack off, Beat off, Diddle, Slam the pony,
 Slap the salami
Kiss, Smooch, Buss, Osculate
Lick, Taste
Lie, Lie down, Lay, Lay down, Sleep, Rest
Look over, Look down
Nibble, Nibble on
Operate, Use
Pick, Pick out, Select
Push, Shove
Remove jacket
Screw, Hump, Fuck, Pork, Bone, Nail, Bed, Copulate, Mate, Mount, Make love
Sit, Sit Down
Smell, Sniff, Whiff, Inhale
Stomp on
Swap, Trade, Replace
Take, Steal, Nab, Grab
Talk, Speak, Converse
Throw, Toss
Touch, Stroke
Turn off
Turn on
Undress, Disrobe, Strip, Get naked
Whiz, Piss, Urinate, Wee, Tinkle, Piddle, Micturate, Pee

Conversation Topics:                                                 G0220
Each character has unique responses to various topics, else they will have a
generic response. You will know when that happens. Unless you are looking into
the script you will not know which topics are available aside from the visible
ones. Once a topic has triggered a unique response it will be added to the
list, and subsequent ones might even be unlocked hereby. Also note that a
topic that has been exhausted will be greyed out and there are several keywords
to trigger a response as divided by commas below.

A Cocktail, cocktail
Al Lowe, Al, Lowe
An Idea
Annette Boning, Annette, Boning
Anton Fokker
Anton's Fame
Best Dressed, Dressed
Big 'Uns
Break room, break, Employee
Breasts, Jugs, tits, boobs, Bazongas, Hooters, Melons, Gazongas, Juggs
But I won!, I won
Buy pictures
Cabin boy
Calvin Klone, Clone, Calvin, Klone, Kalvin
Captain Thygh, Thigh, Captain, Thygh
Check out, checkout
Clothing, clothes
CodMaster 2000
Codpieces, swimsuits, trunks, swimtrunks, swim trunks
Collection, Your collection
Combination, combo
Competition, TMT, Contest, trophy, Shipboard Competitions, 
Complain about room
Dewey Decimal System, Dewie Decimal System
Dirty photo, Photographs, Dirty pictures, Porn, Filthy photo, Filthy pictures,
 Photos, Pictures
Drew Baringmore, Drew Barrymore, Baringmore, Barrymore, Drew
Ennui, on wee
Fabrics, cloth
Fatigue, Sex Fatigue
Fokker, foker, Focker, Anton
Free ticket
Gigantic Erection, giant, erection, gigantic
Go to bed
Good books
Goodbye, see you around, so long, farewell, bye
Hot Tub, Jacuzi, Spa, Jacuzzi
Huh? (generic topic answer)
ID, Photo ID
Kumquats, cumquat, comequat, kumquat
Leisure suits, Leisure, Liesure
Lime juice, Lime, Juice
Love master, lovem, LoveMaster 2000, LuvMaster
My account
My cabin
My place?
Old Mr. Boning
Old man
Over exposure, Overexposure
Paper wads
Peg leg, Leg, Pegleg, Wooden Leg
Peggy, deckhand
Persons Magazine, Persons, Magazine 
Peter the Purser, Peter, Purser
Pick up line, Pick up, pickup
Pile of books
Polyester, Bolts of polyester
Prove it
Sex, make love, bone, fuck, hump
Shipboard life
Spotlights, Spotlight
Strip Dice
The Internet
The weather
Where's Dildo?, Dildo, Where Dildo
Where's home?
Where's my cabin?
Williams, Ken, Ken Williams
Women, Babes, Chicks, Girls
Xqwzts's hobby
Xqwzts's needs
Xqwzts's wants
Xqwzts, X
You can't?
Your accent
Your book
Your book, book
Your name, name

03.)                    WALKTHROUGH                                  G0300

You start in the hotel room you left off in Larry 6. After the initial scenes,
take the Vice Grips from the right dresser (1, 1) and the Lil' Hair Weave Kit
from the left one (1, 2). Open your inventory and open the Lil' Hair Weave Kit
(1, 3). Use the Vice Grips on the Needle (1, 4) to bend it. Then click on the
cuffs and use the bent needle to unlock them (2, 6). In the next room, BREAK
the window to get out (2, 8).

___P.M.S. Bouncy___
Welcome to the P.M.S. Bouncy, Laffer! After you have received your room key,
open the menu and select Help » About (1, 9). *DILDO* Return to Das Grande
Atriumo and find the *DILDO*. Use the phone and make prank calls six times
until the option is orange (6, 15). The select the map and go to Proud Lil'
Seaman Lounge (3, 18) to find out about the tournament. *DILDO*

___Craps Tournament___
Go to Cabin 0 (2, 20) and take the toilet paper (2, 22). *DILDO* Look at it in
your inventory (1, 23) and go to The Heaving 'Ho. *DILDO* Eat the bean dip near
the kitchen door (4, 27) and select yourself to fart (1, 28). Eat the bean dip
once more and go to the El Replicant Sculpture Garden. *DILDO* Look at the foot
of the Venus statue and take the Big Toe o' Venus (8, 36). Go through the doors
into the casino and go near the crowd at the table. *DILDO* Select Larry and
fart (11, 48) to free the table. Play craps and talk to the croupier. Now use
the toilet paper on the Souvenir Dice (6, 54) and play with them instead.
You'll be invited to play Strip Liar's Dice with Dewmi Moore (27, 81). If you
need info about the rules, select "How to play". If you want to cheat you can
use CTRL+C to look under Dewmi's cup, and save when you win a round if you want
to ensure progress. After you have won you'll be back in your room (23, 114).

___LoveMaster 2000___
Go to the Clothing Optional Pool *DILDO*, talk to Dick to get through (2, 116)
and you'll end up at Drew Baringmore's seat (3,119). Talk to her about BOOK
(11, 130) and you can have it. Also take the magazine lying on the table nearby
(3, 133). Go to the Library. *DILDO* Take the green (2, 135) and blue book (2,
137), look at the beaver (1, 138) and *EE* MILK it and continue forward to talk
to Victorian Principles (3, 141). Talk to her about a random book (type it in)
and she'll look it up on her computer. While she's doing so, grab the yellow
book on top of the pile (6, 147) and the mucilage in front (5, 152). Remove the
cover from the 'Prudish and Proud' book (4, 156) and use the jacket on the
Erotic Adventures of Hercules (14, 170). Go to Das Grande Atriumo *DILDO* and
return to the library (2, 172). Talk to Vicki *DILDO* and look at the computer
screen (1, 173). *EE* Hold CTRL and click the left man on the screen. Talk to
her about 'the weather' (20, 193). You'll end up back in your Room *DILDO*.
Take the spray can (3, 196) Return to the library and talk to Vicki about 'Sex'
and 'Prove it'. Use the TMT scorecard on her and talk about 'LoveMaster 2000'
(6, 202). You'll end up at the LoveMaster 2002 booth inserting your keycard (2,
204). Vicki will win the competition for you (25, 229). *DILDO* Push the green
button here too (4, 233).

___Poop Deck Horseshoes___
Go to the aft deck. *DILDO* If Peggy is not here, go left to the Promenade
Deck. *DILDO* Open the fire hose cabinet (1, 234) and take the fire hose (3,
237). If Peggy is not here either, go left to the Forward Deck. *DILDO* Take a
kumquat from the topiary sheep (2, 239). Either way you must have found Peggy
by now so talk to her about the 'CABIN BOY' (11, 250), 'BREAK ROOM', 'LOCKER'
(9, 259), 'COMBINATION' (13, 272), 'XQWSTS' (11, 283), 'Xqwsts Needs', 'Xqwsts
Wants' and finally about her 'Peg leg' (11, 294). Go to the Employee's Only
area and walk through the laser grid. PUSH the door to get in (9, 303). *DILDO*
Read the bulletin board six time (2, 305) and one more time about a message to
Peggy (1, 306). Take the jackpot preventer / jumper wires from the board (4,
310) and the KZ Lubricant next to the sink (4, 314) Open the second locker from
the left in the bottom row with the combination '38-24-36' (12, 326) and go
through to meet Xqwsts (3, 329). Talk about the 'Photographs', 'How?' and 'Buy
pictures' (4, 333).

Go to Das Grande Atriumo *DILDO* and use the Mucilage on the Dirty Pictures (9,
342). Use the Sticky Photo on the Cabin Key Card to make a Photo ID (8, 350).
Talk to the purser about 'Passport' (11, 361) and show him the Photo ID (6,
367). Return to Xqwsts and give him the passport (7, 374). Now take the key he
left (6, 380) and go to the Poop Deck. Talk to the Juggs (3, 383) and go to The
Heaving Ho'. Talk to the meat carver until all he's gone (9, 392). *DILDO* Take
the heat bulb (3, 395) and the Carving Knife (3, 398).

Go to the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge and down to the next screen. Talk to Johnson
(2, 400) *DILDO* about a 'GIGANTIC ERECTION' (11, 411). While he's gone, go
into the room to the left for an *EE*. Talk to Johnson again and order a LIME
JUICE (12, 423), then another gigantic erection and go into the room (13, 436)
while he's gone. *DILDO* Switch the spray deodorant with the silicone lubricant
(12, 448). Push the red button (4, 452) and leave the room. Look at the
Lighting Truss you lowered and take out the spotlight (5, 457). Place the heat
lamp bulb in it (5, 462) and order another Gigantic Erection to get into the
room. Push the red button once more (4, 466). Go to Cabin 510 and take the
bottle of orgasmic powder (4, 470) and return to the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge
to watch the show (20, 490) and you'll be back in your room. *DILDO*

Use the fire hose on the water pipe (9, 499) and flush the toilet (2, 501),
the CRAP in it (1, 502) and while you do that, WHIZ (1, 503) and use the
toilet paper. Go back to the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge and take the stage
lights on the stage (5, 508). Walk left and take the remote control (5, 513),
turn the remote on (1, 514) and finally FEEL the switchboard *EE*. Go to El
Replicant Sculpture Garden and up the scaffolding (1, 515). Use the chase
lights on the spike (14, 529), switch on the remote (1, 530) and take the
screwdriver from the toolbox (4, 534). Now go to the Horseshoe Competition and
turn on the remote (5, 539). *DILDO* Insert the TMT scorecard into the slot
(2, 541) and play on the court (25, 566). Take back your card afterwards.

___Captain's Cook-Off___
Go to the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge and listen to the comedy act (5, 571). It
loops in case you missed the points shown in the corner, but check your score
after 40-50 minutes. Then go to the Clothing Optional Pool. *DILDO* Go to see
Drew and *EE* PUSH the branch. *EE* talk about FOKKER (13, 584), 'Anton's
Fame', 'My Place?' and 'You can't?'. Talk about 'Clothes', 'Drink' and
'Gigantic Erection'. Go to the Forward Hold and use the key to open door (2,
586). *DILDO* Take the suitcase (6, 592) and go back to the pool area. *EE*
Use the orgasmic powder on her drink and DRINK it. Talk to Drew about her
suitcase (15, 607) and flush the toilet (10, 617) to get her out of the room.

Go to the kitchen. *DILDO* Take the pot (2, 619), the salt (2, 621), the fish
(2, 623) and read the magazine page (5, 628). Operate the Caviarmaster2000 (1,
629) and look at the hanging dog (1, 630), fish in the net (1, 631) and the
fish in the basket (1, 632). Go to Room 0 and take the mold (7, 639) in the
shower that has built up. Go the Lower Aft Deck and open the door with the key
(2, 641), then MILK the beavers (13, 654). Back in the kitchen, use the mold
or beaver milk on the CyberCheese2000 (9, 663) and use the kumquats with the
beaver cheese (7, 670). Look at the python that's appeared (1, 671). Go to the
cook-off competition and place the quiche on the belt (1, 672). Close the map
and use the orgasmic powder on the quiche (14, 686) to spice it up some. Place
the Quiche du Larry on the belt and you'll win the competition (25, 711).

___Best-Dressed Man___
Go to the Queeg's Ballroom and enter it. *DILDO* Talk to Jamie Lee Coitus (2,
713) and go to the bridge. Go into the door to find a *DILDO* and go back out.
Unscrew the control box with the screwdriver (6, 719) and connect the jumper
wire to the fuses (10, 729). Climb up the ladder (1, 730) and look at the sail
when it's open (1, 731). Use the Carving Knife on the sail (8, 739). Go back
to the Queeg's Ballroom. *DILDO* *EE* Type DREAM on Larry for a scene and go
out and back in. *DILDO*. Talk to Jamie Lee about 'Distressed' and 'Leisure
Suit' (17, 756). Give the Polyester Cloth to Jamie Lee (7, 763) and come back
to the Queeg's Ballroom. Read the note on the door (1, 764) and go inside the
stage door (9, 773). Return to the Queeg's Ballroom once more and read the new
note on the door (1, 774). At the Best-Dressed Man Competition, unzip the
mannequin's trousers (3, 777) to win the competition (25, 802). *DILDO*

___Tail Deck Bowling___
Go to the Employee Only area and into Xqwsts' room. Use the screwdriver on
the vent (6, 808) and crawl through it. Undress yourself in the middle (10,
818) and meet Annette in your room (15, 833). Take the hanky she left (2, 835)
and smell it (1, 836). Go to the Aft Lock and open the door with the key (2,
838). Open the Hopper door and use the deodorant on the pins (11, 849). Go
to the Bowling Competition and insert your TMT scorecard into the walrus.
*DILDO* Take the bowling ball (2, 851) and use the KZ Lubricant on the Hanky
(7, 858). Wipe the Hanky onto the bowling ball (6, 864) and play (1, 865).
With the explosive combination you'll win the competition (25, 890).

Go into the Blind Dessert Taste Testing Room at the back of The Heaving Ho',
look at the seat where Annette was sitting and take the insurance policy (15,
905). Check it out in the inventory (5, 910) and go to Das Grande Atriumo. Use
the phone to call Boning (13, 923) and then talk to the purser about 'My
account'. While he's gone, look at the phone at the desk and push the red
button (11, 934). Go to the Private Cabin (2, 936) and open door to get inside
(2, 938). Smell the bed sheets (1, 939) and climb into bed (10, 949). Go back
to the Private Cabin. *EE* UNZIP the left middle guy's zipper and ring the
bell. Show the knife to make her run back inside (1, 950). Ring the bell again
and give her the insurance policy (15, 965). Lastly, go to the Captain's
Quarters and knock on the door to enter (10, 975). Show Captain Thygh the stock
certificate to end the game (25, 1000)

If you have collected all 1,000 points, 32 dildos and 7 Easters eggs you'll
be treated to an extra scene after the credits have rolled.

      ##     ##
    ##   ###   ##
   #   ##   ##  #
 ##  ##      ##  ##
##  ##        ##  ##
##  ##        ##   #                      The End...?
 ##  ##       #   ##
  ##  ###   ###  ##
    ##   ###   ##
     ###     ##

04.)                     POINT LIST                                  G0400

|                                                 Points:       Total:        |
| AFT DECK:                                                                   |
| Talk to Peggy about 'Cabin Boy'                   11            11          |
| Talk to Peggy about 'Locker'                       9            20          |
| Talk to Peggy about 'Combination'                 13            33          |
| Talk to Peggy about 'Xqwsts'                      11            44          |
| Talk to Peggy about 'Peg leg'                     11            55          |
|                                                                             |
| AFT HOLD:                                                                   |
| Open the door with the Custodial Key               2            57          |
| Use Deodorant Spray on the Pins                   11            68          |
|                                                                             |
| BEST-DRESSED MAN:                                                           |
| Unzip the mannequin's zipper                       3            71          |
| Win the Best-Dressed Man Competition              25            96          |
|                                                                             |
| BLIND DESSERT TESTING ROOM:                                                 |
| Undress                                           10           106          |
| Take the Insurance Policy                         15           121          |
| Look at the Insurance Policy                       5           126          |
|                                                                             |
| BOWLING COMPETITION:                                                        |
| Take the Bowling Ball                              2           128          |
| Use KZ Lubricant on Hanky                          7           135          |
| Use Treated Hanky on Bowling Ball                  6           141          |
| Play Bowling                                       1           142          |
| Win the Bowling Competition                       25           167          |
|                                                                             |
| BRIDGE:                                                                     |
| Open the Control Box with Screwdriver              6           173          |
| Use the Jumper Wires on the Fuses                 10           183          |
| Climb the Ladder                                   1           184          |
| Look at the Sail                                   1           185          |
| Use the Knife on the Sail                          8           193          |
|                                                                             |
| CABIN 0:                                                                    |
| Arrive for the first time                          2           195          |
| Take the toilet paper                              2           197          |
| Look at the toilet paper                           1           198          |
| Take the Spray Can                                 3           201          |
| Use the Fire Hose with the Water Pipe              9           210          |
| Flush the toilet                                   2           212          |
| CRAP in the toilet                                 1           213          |
| Whiz in the toilet while sitting                   1           214          |
| Flush the Toilet while Drew showers               10           224          |
| Take the Mold                                      7           231          |
| Meet Annette Boning                               15           246          |
| Take the Hanky                                     2           248          |
| Smell the Hanky                                    1           249          |
|                                                                             |
| CABIN 510:                                                                  |
| Win Strip Liars Dice                              23           272          |
| Take the Bottle of Powder                          4           276          |
|                                                                             |
| CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS:                                                         |
| Enter the Captain's Quarters                      10           286          |
| Show Stock Certificate to Captn Thygh             25           311          |
|                                                                             |
| CLOTHING OPTIONAL POOL:                                                     |
| Get through to the pool                            2           313          |
| Talk to Drew Baringmore                            3           316          |
| Ask about 'Your Book'                             11           327          |
| Read the magazine                                  3           330          |
| Talk to Drew about 'Fokker'                       13           343          |
| Talk to Drew about 'Suitcase'                     15           358          |
|                                                                             |
| COOK-OFF COMPETITION:                                                       |
| Present the Quiche                                 1           359          |
| Use Orgasmic Powder on the Quiche                 14           373          |
| Present the Quiche du Larry & win                 25           398          |
|                                                                             |
| DAS GRANDE ATRIUMO:                                                         |
| Talk to Purser about 'Passport'                   11           409          |
| Use Mucilage on Photographs                        9           418          |
| Use Sticky Photo on Cabin Key Card                 8           426          |
| Show Photo ID to Purser                            6           432          |
| Call Boning                                       13           445          |
| Make Prank Call                                    1           446          |
| Make Prank Call                                    1           447          |
| Make Prank Call                                    1           448          |
| Make Prank Call                                    1           449          |
| Make Prank Call                                    1           450          |
| Make Prank Call                                    1           451          |
| Press red button on purser's phone                11           462          |
|                                                                             |
| EL GRANDE SCULTPURE GARDEN:                                                 |
| Take Big Toe o' Venus                              8           470          |
| Get up on the scaffolding                          1           471          |
| Use the Chase Lights on the Spike                 14           485          |
| Turn on the Remote Control                         1           486          |
| Take the Screwdriver                               4           490          |
|                                                                             |
| EMPLOYEE'S ONLY:                                                            |
| PUSH the door to get in                            9           499          |
| Read the bulletin board 6x                         2           501          |
| Read the bulletin message for Peggy                1           502          |
| Take the Jumper Wires                              4           506          |
| Take the KZ Sexual Lubricant                       4           510          |
| Open the locker                                   12           522          |
| Meet Xqwsts                                        3           525          |
| Buy the pictures off Xqwsts                        4           529          |
| Give Passport to Xqwsts                            7           536          |
| Take the Custodial Key                             6           542          |
| Use Screwdriver on Vent                            6           548          |
|                                                                             |
| FORWARD DECK:                                                               |
| Take the Kumquat                                   2           550          |
|                                                                             |
| FORWARD HOLD:                                                               |
| Open the door with the Custodial Key               2           552          |
| Take the suitcase                                  6           558          |
|                                                                             |
| HELP » ABOUT:                                                               |
| Open the Help » About screen                       1           559          |
|                                                                             |
| HORSESHOES COMPETITION:                                                     |
| Use your TMT Scorecard                             2           561          |
| Turn on the Remote Control                         5           566          |
| Win the Horseshoes Competition                    25           591          |
|                                                                             |
| HOTEL ROOM:                                                                 |
| Take the Lil' Hair Weave Kit                       1           592          |
| Take the Vice Grips                                1           593          |
| Open Lil' Hair Weave Kit                           1           594          |
| Use Vice Grips on Needle                           1           595          |
| Use Bent Needle on the Handcuffs                   2           597          |
| BREAK the door                                     2           599          |
|                                                                             |
| KITCHEN:                                                                    |
| Take the Pot                                       2           601          |
| Take the Salt                                      2           603          |
| Take the Fish wrapped in a magazine                2           605          |
| Read the Magazine Page                             5           610          |
| Operate CaviarMaster 2000                          1           611          |
| Look at Fify the dog                               1           612          |
| Look at the Basket of fish                         1           613          |
| Look at the fishnet                                1           614          |
| Use Beaver Milk on CyberCheese 2000                9           623          |
| Use Kumquats on the beaver cheese                  7           630          |
| Look at the Python                                 1           631          |
|                                                                             |
| LIBARY:                                                                     |
| Look at the beaver                                 1           632          |
| Take the green book                                2           634          |
| Take the blue book                                 2           636          |
| Talk to Victorian Principles                       3           639          |
| Take Prudish and Proud book                        6           645          |
| Take the Mucilage                                  5           650          |
| Remove Proudish and Proud jacket                   4           654          |
| Use Jacket on Erotic Adventures                   14           668          |
| Enter Wild Vicky's library                         2           670          |
| Look at the Larry 6 monitor screen                 1           671          |
| Talk about 'The Weather' with Wild Vicky          20           691          |
| Talk about LoveMaster 2000 with Wild Vicky         6           697          |
|                                                                             |
| LOVEMASTER 2000:                                                            |
| Insert TMT card                                    2           699          |
| Push the green button                              4           703          |
| Win the LoveMaster 2000 Competition               25           728          |
|                                                                             |
| LOWER AFT DECK:                                                             |
| Open the door with the Custodial Key               2           730          |
| MILK the beavers                                  13           743          |
|                                                                             |
| PAIR O'DICE CASINO:                                                         |
| Fart at the Craps table                           11           754          |
| Use Toilet Paper on the Souvenir Dice             11           765          |
| Play craps with the shaved dice                    6           771          |
| Win Craps Competition                             27           798          |
|                                                                             |
| POOP DECK                                                                   |
| Meet the Juggs                                     3           801          |
|                                                                             |
| PRIVATE CABIN:                                                              |
| Arrive at the Boning's Cabin                       2           803          |
| Go inside the Boning's Cabin                       2           805          |
| Smell the Bed Sheets                               1           806          |
| Climb into Bed                                    10           816          |
| Use the knife on Annette                           1           817          |
| Give the Insurance Policy to Annette              15           832          |
|                                                                             |
| PROMENADE DECK:                                                             |
| Open the Fire Case                                 1           833          |
| Take the Fire Hose                                 3           836          |
|                                                                             |
| PROUD LIL' SEAMAN LOUNGE:                                                   |
| Attend the Competition Meeting                     3           839          |
| Talk to Johnson                                    2           841          |
| Order a Lime Juice                                12           853          |
| Order a Gigantic Erection                         11           864          |
| Enter the Dressing Room                           13           877          |
| Switch the Silicone with the Spray                12           889          |
| Push the red button to lower lights                4           893          |
| Take out the Spotlight                             5           898          |
| Insert the Heat Lamp Bulb                          5           903          |
| Push the red button to raise lights                4           907          |
| Watch the Juggs performance                       20           927          |
| Take the Clothing Chase Lights                     5           932          |
| Take the Remote Control                            5           937          |
| Turn on the Remote Control                         1           938          |
| Watch the entire Comedy Act                        5           943          |
|                                                                             |
| QUEEG'S BALLROOM:                                                           |
| Talk to Jamie Lee Coitus                           2           945          |
| Talk to Jamie about 'Leisure Suits'               17           962          |
| Give Polyester Cloth to Jamie Lee                  7           969          |
| Read the Note on the door                          1           970          |
| Enter the stage door                               9           979          |
| Read the Note on the door                          1           980          |
|                                                                             |
| THE HEAVING HO':                                                            |
| Eat Bean Dip                                       4           984          |
| Fart after eating Bean Dip                         1           985          |
| Eat all the Spork to make Wang leave               9           994          |
| Take the Heat Bulb                                 3           997          |
| Take the Carving Knife                             3          1000          |
|                                                                             |

05.)                    DILDO LOCATIONS                              G0500

These dildos are hidden in the following location. If there are more than one
then you first need to discover the first one, leave the area and then you will
find a new one in hiding. This only applies to dildos found in the same screen.
Finding all dildos is required for the secret ending (see Secrets).

• Behind the dildo-shaped topiary

• Next to the score machine

• Behind the hippo

• Through the door

• Next to the bucket
• Behind the toilet
• Behind the pipes in the bottom left corner.

• Behind the left bush
• Behind the right bush

• Behind the pillar on the right
• Leaning against the library entrance
• Top floor between the two pillars on the left

• Hiding behind David's left foot.

• Behind the chairs

• Underneath the sheep-shaped topiary

• Left behind some suitcases

• Between the creators of the game

• On the other court

• Last piece of the sausage string.

• Leaning against the grandmother clock (library entrance)
• Behind the pineapple (post-transformation)

• In the 4th Booth

• Blackjack table on the right

• Behind the beaver-shaped topiary

• Behind a seat in the middle (only before Juggs' Concert)
• Left of Johnson
• Behind the stacks of hay in the dressing room

• On the runway
• Next to statue at the entrance (inside)
• Next to some chairs

• In the salad
• At the carver in the bowl of sausages

06.)                         EASTER EGGS                             G0600

For most ladies in the game there is a way see them undressed. Perform the
following tasks to accomplish this.

• MILK the Beaver in the library, then go into the dressing room of the Juggs
  before the concert has taken place.

• Hold Ctrl and click the left man on the computer screen after Vicky's
  transformation. Talk to her about 'the weather'.

• 'Feel' the mixer at the performance stage to get earplugs, then talk to Draw
  about 'Fokker', 'Anton Fokker', 'Anton's Fame' and 'My Place?'.
• 'Push' the branch to uncover her breasts.
• After ordering a drink and you come back, use the orgasmic powder on it and
  'drink' it. You will see her leave naked.

• Type 'dream' in the ballroom on You.

• 'Unzip' the plastic buldge of the left middle man in front of the Private
  Residence and ring the bell.

• Get all 1,000 points, 32 dildos and the previous 7 Easter Eggs to see an
  extra scene after the credits have finished. Watch closely as you might miss
  it - it is that short.

07.)                         ITEMS                                   G0700

Only useful Other actions are described here, the rest are always going to be
one of the random rejections. Combinations with other items are only mentioned
if they give a special response.

<"Erotic" Book In "Prudish" Jacket>
  Narrator: On the outside, it's the story of principled women who avoid
            temptation through abstinence and willpower, but on the inside,
            it's nothing but sin, sin, sin!
 Found: Combination of the "Prudish and Proud" Book Jacket and the "The
        Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
 Used: Stacked on Victorian's pile of books when she's not looking.

<"Prudish and Proud">
  Narrator: "Prudish and Proud: The Gripping Saga of Three Demure Librarians
            who Resist the Temptations of the Flesh and Affirm Their Commitment
            to Moral Principles. #126 in a series of 200." Sounds right up your
            alley, Larry.
 Found: From Victorian's pile of books when she is not looking.
 Used: Removing its jacket turns it into "Prudish And Proud" Sans Jacket.

<"Prudish and Proud" Book Jacket>
  Narrator: It's the dust jacket from "Prudish and Proud."
 Found: Removed from the "Prudish and Proud".
 Used: Placed on "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".

<"Prudish And Proud" Sans Jacket>
  Narrator: This is Victorian's book just the way you'd like to see her.
            Without cover.
 Found: Removing the book jacket of "Prudish and Proud".
 Used: n/a
<"The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Narrator: It's "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules," soon to be a major motion
            picture starring Troy McClure. Every page smolders with intense
            passion, engulfing the reader in depradations of wicked lust. At
            least, that's what it says on the back cover.
 Found: Taken from Drew at the Clothing Optional Pool.
 Used: Combined with the "Prudish and Proud" Book Jacket to create the "Erotic"
       Book In "Prudish" Jacket.

<"Vice" Grips>
  Narrator: They are "Vice" Grips TM, and believe you me, the things Shamara
            did to you with them definitely fall under the heading of "Vice."
 Found: In penthouse bedroom in the prologue.
 Used: Bends the Needle into a Bent Needle.

<Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Narrator: The Juggs' costumes were decorated with strings of battery-powered
            chase lights. Everything seems intact, but there doesn't seem to be
            any way to turn them on.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
 <Turn On>
  You: Come on, baby. Light my fire!
  Narrator: That's got to be history's worst attempt to "turn on" a light!
 Found: Found on the stage after the Juggs concert.
 Used: Wrapped around the spike in the casino entrance.

<Bent Needle>
  Narrator: You did a fine job of bending this steel needle into an attractive
            zigzag. Especially considering you were working with your toes!
  You: Ouch!
  Narrator: What's the matter, Larry? Got a little prick?
  You: Yeah. Oh, wait; I... ooooohhhh...
 <Use » "Vice" Grips>
  Narrator: It's about as bent as it's going to get.
  Narrator: If you bend it any more it won't work as a lockpick.
 Found: After bending the Needle with the "Vice" Grips.
 Used: Unlocks the handcuffs.

<Bowling Ball>
  Narrator: This isn't the first time you've stuck your fingers in something
            round, firm, heavy, and hard.
  You: Oh, yeah. I've bowled before.
 Found: Inserting the scorecard at the bowling lanes.
 Used: Bowling, you cannot take it with you.

<Carving Knife>
  Narrator: It's not the best knife in the world, but carving s'Pork hardly
            requires high-carbon steel.
 Found: Meat station in the Heaving Ho.
 Used: Carving the sail for the Polyester Cloth.

<CodMaster 2000>
  Narrator: The small tag inside the waistband of the swimming suit says, "The
            CodMaster 2000 -- gently lifts, separates and shapes a man's
            natural endowment to subtly enhance your appearance. Lil' Giant
            Model: for the man who needs it most!"
 Found: Given to you by Dick if you attempt to enter the Clothing Optional
 Used: Automatically worn, nothing else.

<Custodial Key>
  Narrator: Xqwzts's custodian's key will unlock almost any storage area on the
 Found: Taken from Xqwzts' quarters once he is gone.
 Used: Unlocks many places.

<Deodorant Spray>
  Narrator: It's the official state deodorant of Texas: "Smokin' Pits: with the
            smell of down home barbecue."
 Found: In your room.
 Used: Switched with the Silicone Lubriant in the Juggs' dressing room.

<Dirty Pictures>
  Narrator: Hey, Meester! Want to SELL some feelthy peek-tures?
  Narrator: Feel the "feel-thy" picture? Really.
  Narrator: You can't make it sticky just by licking it.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
 <Use » Mucilage>
  You: Good job. Now the photos of you are not only dirty, they're sticky!
 Found: Sold by Xqwzts. once you have done the dirty deed with a woman.
 Used: Glued on the ID card to make it into a Photo ID.

  Narrator: Professional audio engineers always use earplugs when working
            around high sound pressure levels to ensure their hearing remains
            sensitive and accurate.
  You: Ick! I don't want those. They'll be all waxy!
  Narrator: No, these are unused.
 Found: On the stage after the concert (feeling around).
 Used: Prevents Drew from interrupting your stare (easter egg).

<Fire Hose>
  Narrator: Your hose is long and thick.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: You'd still be broke!
 Found: Stolen from the bridge.
 Used: Fixes the toilet in room 0.

<Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Narrator: The tiny lettering on the bulb reads, "CyberLamp 2000 long-distance
            heat lamp. 2,500 watts. Guaranteed range: 200 yards. Not to be used
            in unapproved fixtures."
 Found: Meat station in the Heaving Ho.
 Used: Replaces the bulb on the stage.

  Narrator: This professional-quality competition-grade tossing horseshoe is
            made of expensive titanium molybdenum alloys with graphite fibers,
            and is a size 43 extra-wide.
 Found: Insert the TMT Scorecard into the centaur's card slot.
 Used: Play the horseshoe competition.

<Jumper Wire>
  Narrator: Who would have guessed it? A short length of wire with an alligator
            clip on each end is all that's needed to change any slot machine
            into a winner!
  You: Hey...I get it. Al Lowe put this here so I could cheat at slots!
  Narrator: Wrong again, token breath. You don't get to play a slot machine
            again until "Leisure Suit Larry 12: Dork and Dorker!"
  You: Wow, you DO know everything!
 Found: In the employee break room.
 Used: On the fuses for lowering the sales when an announcement is made.

<Kumquat Quiche>
  Narrator: It's your culinary masterpiece: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and
            Kumquat Quiche. Better hope your personal liability insurance is
            paid up.
  Narrator: Well, a little taste couldn't hurt...
  You: Yuck! Spit. Bleck! Ptui!
  Narrator: It smells awful goo... no, it just smells awful!
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  You: This ought to "spice it up" a little!
 Found: Created with the ingredients for the quiche.
 Used: Mixed with Orgasmic Powder to create the Quiche de Larry.

  Narrator: While it may appear to you to be merely a small, orange-yellow
            citrus fruit, with a name like "kumquat" it's gotta be good!
  Narrator: The outside is bitter... and covered with Peggy's pesticides.
  Narrator: No way. They're still green!
 Found: Hanging from the topiary on the upper decks.
 Used: Ingredient of the Kumquat Quiche / Quiche de Larry.

<KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Narrator: the label on the kz brand sexual lubricant (and roulette wheel
            polish) has some tiny print.
  Narrator: "Warning: combining this product with certain household chemicals
            may produce a powerful contact explosive. Too bad this label is too
            small to tell you which ones. So there."
 Found: In the employee break room.
 Used: Treating the Woman's Handkerchief to get the Treated Handkerchief.

<Legal Dice>
  You: This pair of white plastic dice is just like the ones used in casinos.
  Narrator: These ARE the dice from the casino, Einstein!
  You: Told you!
 Found: Given to you by the croupier.
 Used: For losing at craps (you do not really want to do that), given back to
       the croupier after you stop playing.

<Life Insurance Policy>
  Narrator: This life insurance policy, in the amount of one billion dollars,
            is on one Aristotle K. Boning, with the beneficiary listed as
            Annette B. Boning. It emits a very faint smell.
 Found: Found in the Blind Dessert Taste Testing Room.
 Used: Given to Annette in exchange for the Stock Certificate.

<Lil' Hair Weave Kit>
  Narrator: La Costa Lotta thoughtfully provides one of these complimentary
            "Lil' Hair Weave Kits" in every room.
  Narrator: You open the La Costa Lotta complimentary Lil' Hair Weave Kit and
            find a needle inside.
 Found: In penthouse bedroom in the prologue.
 Used: When Opened you will find the needle inside. Automatically discarded at
       at this point.

<Lime Juice>
  Narrator: If you had some sugar and water you could use this lime juice to
            make limeade.
  You: But I don't like limeaid!
  Narrator: Good thing you enjoy looking at it, then.
 Found: Ordered at the bar.
 Used: Ingredient for the Kumquat Quiche / Quiche de Larry.

<Magazine Page>
  Narrator: Someone used this page from "Professional Hash Slinger" magazine to
            wrap old fish.
  You: Shouldn't that be a job for "Professional Fish Wrapper" magazine?
  Narrator: This page contains the recipe for "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese." The
            ingredients include beaver milk (as always, milk from the elusive
            Venezuelan beaver is much preferred), a pinch of salt, rennet (for
            which lime juice may be substituted in a pinch), and a hint of
            mold. Now for the details of preparation...
  You: Hey! You made a subeeism.
  Narrator: What?
  You: A subeeism. You know: when you choose a word based on previous words.
       Like you used the cliche "in a pinch" because you'd just finished saying
       the phrase "pinch of salt." Get it?
  Narrator: Damn, you're weird, Larry. Anyhow, there's more on the back of the
  You: You mean I have to click again just to hear the back?
  Narrator: Oh, stop your whining. Here: the back contains the recipe for
            "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and Kumquat Quiche." The ingredients
            include beaver cheese and a sliced kumquat. You probably don't want
            to hear the rest of this either, do you?
  You: Zzzzzzzz.
  Narrator: This magazine page smells like fish... probably because it was once
            wrapped around one!
 Found: In the kitchen wrapped around a fish.
 Used: Tells you the recipe for the quiche.

  Narrator: the pulsating mold radiates an eldritch glow, reminding you of that
            muenster you left in the back of the fridge so long it self-
            actualized and organized a union.
 Found: In your shower after Drew has left.
 Used: Ingredient for the Kumquat Quiche / Quiche de Larry.

  Narrator: Wasn't it Aristotle who said, "Give me a big enough bottle of
            mucilage and I'll stick it to the whole world!"?
  Narrator: Mucilage is not THAT kind of glue!
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard>
  Narrator: That would be a good way to make something stick to your keycard,
            but you have nothing that you want to stick to it, at least at this
 Found: In the library on Vicki's desk.
 Used: Make the Dirty Pictures sticky, i.e. a Sticky Photograph.

  Narrator: It's a steel needle from your La Costa Lotta complimentary Lil'
            Hair Weave Kit.
  You: Ouch!
  Narrator: What's the matter, Larry? Got a little prick?
  You: Yeah. Oh, wait; I... ooooohhhh...
  Narrator: You can't possible bend it with your bare fingers. If you only had
            a tool.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've head that!
 <Use » "Vice" Grips>
  You think: I wonder if I could bend this needle with the Vice Grips?
  Narrator: Carefully balancing yourself, you work the Vice Grips with one foot
            while holding the needle with the toes of your other foot.
 Found: When opened the Lil' Hair Weave Kit.
 Used: Bent with the "Vice" Grips to turn into a Bent Needle.

<Orgasmic Powder>
  Narrator: Judging from your reaction to this stuff, a little goes a long way.
  You think: Must be some sort of psychi-aphro-deli-desiac.
  Narrator: Far out.
  Narrator: One taste of that was enough!
 Found: Left behind in Dewmi Moore's cabin.
 Used: Final ingredient to spice up the Kumquat Quiche.

  Narrator: Your passport reminds you of your many exciting travels (in Leisure
            Suit Larrys 1 through 6, available at in Sierra's exciting "Leisure
            Suit Larry's Greatest Hits...and Misses!") Now, if those damn
            customs agents would stop drawing little moustaches on your
 Found: Received from Peter the Purser after showing your photo ID.
 Used: Given to Xqwzts. for the main reason that he leaves.

<Photo ID Keycard>
  Narrator: You've created what may well be the world's first pornographic
            photo ID.
  You: Yeah. I kinda like it.
  Narrator: Figures.
 Found: Created by sticking the Sticky Photograph on Your Cabin Keycard.
 Used: Presented to Peter the Purser to get your Passport back.

<Polyester Cloth>
  Narrator: Yards and yards of glaring white polyester -- it's enough to bring
            tears of joy to your eyes.
 Found: Cut out from the ship's sail with the Carving Knife.
 Used: Given to Jamie.

  Narrator: This would be handy if you ever need to "pass the pot," Larry.
  You: That's good, 'cause when I grew up, we were so poor we never had a pot
       to pass in!
 Found: In the kitchen.
 Used: Creating the quiche.

<Quiche de Larry>
  Narrator: While ORDINARY Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and Kumquat Quiche may be
            considered delicious, your new improved version packs an extra-
            special punch of orgasmic powder.
  Narrator: A tiny drop in your drink knocked you for a loop and now you want
            to eat this?! No way.
 Found: Created by adding Orgasmic Powder to the Kumquat Quiche.
 Used: Presented to the cooking competition.

<Remote Control>
  Narrator: This looks suspiciously like a remote control... but to remotely
            control what?
  Narrator: Watch out!
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  You: Cool.
  Narrator: Yes, the remote DOES control the chase lights. But now what?
 Found: On the stage after the Juggs' show.
 Used: Switch on the Battery Powered Chase Lights. 

  Narrator: It's salt. For christ's sake, man, it's just salt! Do I have to
            describe everything for you? Waddaya looking for, a secret button
            that turns it into a letter opener or something? Do you think I
            have nothing better to do than to sit here in this stuffy recording
            studio booth and read the names of things to the likes of you?
            What? I do? Somebody get my agent on the phone!
 Found: In the kitchen.
 Used: Ingredient for the Kumquat Quiche / Quiche de Larry.

  Narrator: That's certainly an unimpressive tool.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
 Found: At the top of the scaffolding after the statue has collapsed.
 Used: Unscrew stuff, like vents and other covers.

<Shaved Dice>
  Narrator: This pair of white plastic dice is just like the ones used in
            casinos, except some fool has sanded them down so they can't lose.
  You: Hey!
  Narrator: Oh. Was that you?
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Narrator: You've done a good job on them. Any more would ruin their delicate
 Found: Using the Souvenir Dice with the Toilet Paper.
 Used: For winning at crap.

<Ship's Map>
 Found: Automatically added to the inventory at the start of the cruise.
 Used: Navigate around the ship.

<Silicone Lubricant>
  Narrator: Your favorite brand of silicone lubricant is "Greased Pig" Brand. 
  You: I ask for it by name!
 Found: Switched with the deodorant Spray in the Juggs' dressing room.
 Used: n/a

<Souvenir Dice>
  Narrator: This pair of white plastic dice is just like the ones used in
            casinos, except for a few little specks of glue.
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  You: I'll bet I show that Jacques now!
 Found: Statue made out of dice.
 Used: Used with the Toilet Paper to get the Shaved Dice.

<Sticky Photograph>
  Narrator: This pornographic photo wasn't covered with sticky goo until you
            got your hands on it. Oh, the lines we left out here....
 Found: Taking the Dirty Pictures and adding Mucilage.
 Used: Stuck on the Cabin Keycard to get the Photo ID Keycard.

<Stock Certificate>
  Narrator: This stock certificate is for five million and one shares of stock
            in BoneCo Transportation. Since the fine print says there are only
            ten million shares outstanding, this makes you... Da Man!
 Found: Given to you by Annette Boning after you have done the dirty deed.
 Used: Given to the captain for favors.

  Narrator: Drew Baringmore's suitcase is light on clothes, but unfortunately
            heavy on books.
 Found: In the luggage hold.
 Used: Convince Drew to come back to your room.

<TMT Scorecard>
  Narrator: Every Thygh's Man Trophy Contest scorecard contains a list of
            competitive events selected from the dozens held aboard the ship.
            Find one of the events on your list and run this scorecard through
            its scoring machine. The entire contest is run by an intranet SQL
            database, with distributed processing and multiple buzzwords.
 Found: Given to you at the start of the cruise.
 Used: Inserted into competition slots.

<Toilet Paper>
  Narrator: The ship's toilet paper is as rough as a cob!
  Narrator: Well, the PMS Bouncy spared no expense on their toilet paper! This
            stuff feels like sandpaper... 'bout 40 grit I would say.
 Found: In your room.
 Used: Shave the dice.

<Treated Handkerchief>
  Narrator: Carefully examining the lady's handkerchief saturated with KZ Brand
            Sexual Lubricant (and Roulette Wheel Polish) makes you suddenly
            want to be alone.
 Found: Combination of the Woman's Handkerchief and the KZ Sexual Lubricant.
 Used: Shines the Bowling Bowl to play better.

<Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Narrator: The Venezuelan Beaver Cheese is pale yellow, with hints of color
            marbling its velvety surface, kind of like cottage cheese at a July
 <Use » Salt>
  Narrator: The ship's kitchen would be a perfect place to mix ingredients.
  Narrator: You COULD prepare something, IF you had a recipe, AND you had all
            the ingredients.
 Found: Created in the kitchen.
 Used: Mixed with ingredients to create the Kumqat Quiche.

<Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Narrator: It's the milk of beaver kindness. Was it good for you?
 Found: Milked from the beavers in the beaver hold.
 Use: Ingredient for the Beaver Cheese.
<Wad o' Dough>
  Narrator: Your craps winning streak provided you with a windfall of 500
            dollars. Somehow, you just know you're never gonna get around to
            investing it in Internet stocks.
 Found: Won at craps with the Shaved Dice.
 Used: Playing Strips Liar Dice.
<Woman's Handkerchief>
  Narrator: This lacy silk hankerchief, embroidered with the initials A. B.,
            emits a faint odor.
  You: Toot!
  Narrator: It smells faintly of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and
 Found: Left behind by Annette Boning after visiting your room.
 Used: Treated with the KZ Sexual Lubricant to get the Treated Handkerchief.

<Your Cabin Keycard>
  Narrator: Your keycard has an all-important magnetic stripe on the back so it
            may be used for shipboard purchases and even to unlock your cabin
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Narrator: You could stick the photograph to the keycard, if the photo was
 <Use » Mucilage>
  Narrator: Changing your mind, you apply the mucilage to the back of the lewd
            photograph instead.
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Narrator: Good idea!
  You think: Yeah, but first I'm gonna tear off some of this groinal area.
 Found: Given to you at the start of the cruise.
 Used: Unlock your door, create a Photo ID Keycard with the Sticky Photograph.

08.)                    SCRIPT                                       G0800

This section is organized by room.

At first there will be the conversations that automatically occur as you first
enter the area. If anything occurs only when you are done with a location then
it would appear at the end of that sub-section. Random announcements for that
area might also appear at the end.

For each verb there are only the unique responses. The generic responses are
listed elsewhere.

                        La Costa Lotta Bedroom                       G0801

You: Moan. Oh. Baby. Yes. There, no there! Oh, God.
You: Oh, baby! You're the GREATest! This has gotta be the BEST night of my
Shamara: I need more, Larry; more! And, something new. Here...slip into these!
You: (Breathlessly) God, Shamara, is there anything we haven't done?
Shamara: There's lots I haven't done, Laffer. That's why I'm leaving you.
You: Leaving? Now?
Shamara: A night with you gives a woman plenty of time to think. That New Age
         philosphy crap just isn't me. What I really love is: MONEY!
You: You can't leave me here like this!
Shamara: You're right. So long, sucker!
*Shamara slams her cigarette into Larry's mouth before departing*
You: Hey! I don't smoke!
You: Oh, baby! You're the LOWest! This has gotta be the WORST night of my
You think: At least things can't get any worse!
*Larry spits out the cigarette and lights the bed on fire*
You think: I should never say that!
*Fire spreads more and more as you take time*
You: Ow!
You: Ouch!
You: Oooww!

  Narrator: This is not time for souvenirs. Besides, your bra drawer is already

  Narrator: It's called 'fire." It's spreading. And it's going to kill you, if
            you don't get the hell out of here!
  You think: Ahhhh. Oops.
  Narrator: Good thing you wore your industrial strength "extra absorbent"

  Narrator: In handcuffs, as in life, Shamara spared no expense. There's no
            way you'll ever break a pair of cuffs manufactured by a company
            called 'Sisters of Steel!"
  Narrator: Yes. That's the whole idea, isn't it?
 <Use » Needle>
  Narrator: The needle is just too straight to use as a lock pick!
 <Use » "Vice" Grips>
  Narrator: There is no way your Vice Grips are strong enough. Those grips
            spell "vice" with a "C," not an "S".
 <Use » Lil' Hair Weave Kit>
  Fire Chief: You ARE desparate, aren't you? Have you found the pull-down
              menus? Have you explored the "Game" menu? Have you tried
              "Inventory?" Have you thought about "Opening" the Lil' Hair Weave
              Kit? Come on, Larry! Think, man!! Don't sit on your hands and
              make little funny noises.
 <Use » Bent Needle>
  You think: Maybe...
  You: Yes!

  Narrator: The lower parts of the headboard are filled with small dents... but
            that's not your problem right now.

<Left Table>
  Narrator: One of La Costa Lotta's complimentary "Lil' Hair Weave Kits" lies
            on the table. You were planning to take it home.
  Narrator: There is nothing more on THAT table.
  You think: My comb-over COULD use a little thickening.
  Narrator: There is nothing more on that table.

<Lil' Hair Weave Kit>
  Narrator: La Costa Lotta thoughtfully provides one of these complimentary
            "Lil' Hair Weave Kits" in every room.
  You think: My comb-over COULD use a little thickening.

<Right Table>
  Narrator: That table would be empty, if Shamara hadn't left her Vice Grips
            lying there.
  Narrator: There is nothing more on THAT table.
  You think: It's a good thing Shamara used those Vice Grips last night. I can
             just reach 'em from here.
  Narrator: There is nothing more on that table.

<Shamara's Hot Bed>
  Narrator: It's on fire. And not with passion!
  Narrator: What?! "Me take fire home cave?" Oh Larry, I love it when you go
 <Use » Bent Needle>
  Narrator: That's only a "sew sew" idea.
 <Use » Needle>
  Narrator: That's only a "sew sew" idea.
  You think: Ahhhh. Oops.
  Narrator: Good thing you wore your industrial strength "extra absorbent"

<Used Condom>
  Narrator: Who put THAT there?
  Narrator: You've gotten all the good you're going to get out of that!

<"Vice" Grips>
  Narrator: Shamara's Vice Grips lie on the table, just waiting for another
            chance at love.
  You think: It's a good thing Shamara used those Vice Grips last night. I can
             just reach 'em from here.

  Narrator: This is your body. Soon, this will be your body on fire. Any
  Narrator: This is no time to "touch yourself".
  You think: Ahhhh. Oops.
  Narrator: Good thing you wore your industrial strength "extra absorbent"

*After freeing yourself*
Fire Chief: Attention! Attention!! You in the Penthouse!
You: Me?
Fire Chief: Yeah, you -- the person who spent the night with Shamara! Leave
            now! We think there might be a fire somewhere.

*Take too long while in this room and the Fire Chief will give you hints at
 several points*
Fire Chief: Adventure games require a lot of "Look"-ing. Be sure you click on
            everything that causes your cursor to highlight, then, from the
            resulting menu, select "Look."

Fire Chief: Move the cursor around the screen until it's over an object. You
            can tell because the cursor "changes in shape." Click the left
            mouse button and a menu will appear.

Fire Chief: Try "Taking" something from the tables beside your bed.

Fire Chief: Move your mouse over a table until the cursur, uh, "unrolls," er,
            "lengthens," that is, "highlights." Click the left mouse button.
            Select 'Take' from the resulting menu. If Take isn't on the menu,
            you're over the wrong spot (there fellow).

Fire Chief: Now that you've got something to work with, pop up your Inventory
            window and start making things happen.
Fire Chief: Pull down the menu bar from the upper-left corner of the screen.
            From the Game menu, select Inventory. Or right-click your mouse

Fire Chief: Click the right mouse button almost anywhere and a shortcut menu
            will appear, listing the things you do most during game play.

Fire Chief: Move your mouse cursor to the upper-left corner of the game's
            graphics area until a menu bar appears. Click on the menu bar and a
            menu will drop down.

Fire Chief: Inventory objects work just like game objects: left click on one
            and a menu appears. Try "Look"-ing at one now.

Fire Chief: The objects in the Inventory behave exactly like objects in the
            game. You can Use inventory objects on other inventory objects just
            like you use inventory objects on game objects.
Fire Chief: First select the needle, then use the vice grips on it.
Fire Chief: In Inventory, click on the needle. From the needle's menu move down
            to "Use..." then move over and down to click on "Vice Grips."
            That's how to use the vice grips on the needle.

Fire Chief: Click the right mouse button almost anywhere and a shortcut menu
            will appear, listing the things you do most during game play.

Fire Chief: Move your mouse cursor to the upper-left corner of the game's
            graphics area until a menu bar appears. Click on the menu bar and a
            menu will drop down.

Fire Chief: Open the complimentary Lil' Hair Weave Kit and see if there's
            anything inside that could help you.
Fire Chief: To open the Hair Weave Kit, go to the Inventory window by selecting
            it from the pull-down "Game" menu. Then left-click on the Hair
            Weave Kit and select "Open" from its menu.

Fire Chief: The other table also has something you need.
Fire Chief: Take La Costa Lotta's complimentary "Lil' Hair Weave Kit" from the
            other table.

Fire Chief: The other table also has something you need.
Fire Chief: Take Shamara's Vice Grips from the other table.

                        La Costa Lotta Patio                         G0802

Fire Chief: Jump!!
You: Are you crazy? This is the fortieth floor!
Fire Chief: Don't (you) worry. We've got a net (here).

  Narrator: Those poor little guys have seen better days.
  Narrator: There's not enough water in the aquarium to put out that raging
  You think: Even that long night of love making hasn't made me thirsty enough
             to drink warm water laced with fish feces.

  Narrator: This chair s a solid heavy-weight example of the fine furniture
            craftsmanship of the "Design Guild de Motel Seiks."
  Narrator: You don't need to take it; just throw it. Now. Quick!
  You: Groan.
  *Larry throws the chair against the glass patio door and the chair crumbles
   into pieces*
  You think: (Sigh.) Hotel furniture just ain't what it used to be!

<Dried Flower>
  Narrator: The roses are symbolic... of your love life!
  Narrator: They'd crumble at your touch... kind of like Shamara.

  Narrator: The flames burn with white hot passion, probing every opening,
            spreading... oh, wait; that was you, last night.
  You think: Hey, yeah?

<Floor Lamp>
  Narrator: La Costa Lotta recycled an old barbell and a couple of 10-pound
            weights to make this floor lamp.
  Narrator: You don't need to take it; just throw it. Now. Quick!
  You: Ungh, ogh, oh, ugh.
  Narrator: You can't life that, Larry; it must weigh all of 20 pounds!
 <Turn on>
  Narrator: Don't you ever think about anything but sex!?
  Narrator: What? You're afraid it will "start a fire?"

<Glass Patio Door>
  *Larry breaks through the window*
  Narrator: This glass door leads to the balcony... and safety.
  *Larry grabs the door handle but turns steaming red from the heat*
  You think: Our night of passionate love-making must have overheated the
  Narrator: Yeah. Right.

  Narrator: Three simple roses. A perfect metaphor of Shamara and you and...
            okay, so maybe it's an imperfect metaphor.
  Narrator: Sure. Right. This would be a good time to pick flowers.

  Narrator: You really look good in those tiny skivies.

You: Hai Yah!
*Larry smashes through the window*
You: Hey... what's this!?
*Larry tries to pick up a piece of paper*
You: Ow! I hate paper cuts!
*Larry picks up the paper and sticks it into his underwear*
You: Ow! I HATE paper cuts!
Fire Chief: Jump!
Fire Chief: Jump!
You: Okay. I'm coming...
Fire Chief: I wish I had (for myself) a dollar for every time I've heard that!
*Larry jumps from the balcony while the penthouse explodes*
You: Oh, shi...
*Larry bounces of several things before finally ending up on a cactus*
Ship's Announcer: Leisure Suit Larry, you've just leapt from the 40th floor of
                  a burning building! What are you gonna do next?
You: I'm going to...
You: ...take a cruise!

*Take too long on the patio and you get more hints*
Fire Chief: Break the glass door!

Fire Chief: What's the matter with you, man! You're not limited to the standard
            set of Sierra verbs! Use the "Other..."!

Fire Chief: Click on the glass door. Select "Other..." from the menu. In the
            resulting dialog box, type the word "Break."

                        On the Mizzenmast                            G0803

*Random announcement*
 Ship's Announcer: Mr. Munsil: report to Massage Therapy immediately!
 You: Oh. Whoa! Whoaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!

  Narrator: It's a good thing you're not afraid of heights.
  You think: That's... a matter of opinion.

  Narrator: It's dark and wet, with occasional white foamy spots -- kind of
            like your pants.

  Narrator: The sails are made from white polyester, just like your leisure
            suit, Larry.
  You think: Leisure Suit Larry? Hey, that's me!
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  You: If I can just run across this yardarm while cutting with this knife, I
       could gather up a big pile of white polyester fabric...
  *Larry gets caught in the sail*
  You: Oh, no! Ohhfgttf. Ouuamph. Grabprt!
  Ship's Announcer: Don't forget, folks, tonight, as always, our "Groaning
                    Board" midnight buffet will be in the restaurant until 3
                    AM. Then a few hours later, join us on the poop deck for
                    sunrise breakfast. And, of course, at 10 AM we have brunch
                    in the restaurant, followed by lunch around the nude pool,
                    and 4 PM tea in the lower lobby. And: all that is in
                    addition to our three regularly scheduled meals. So, don't
                    forget, eat, eat, eat!
  You: I hope he makes another announcement quick, so I can get out of here!
  Ship's Announcer: And that's the last announcement for this evening. Good
                    night and pleasant dreams!
  You: Doh!
  *Nightfall - Daybreak*
  Ship's Announcer: Good Morning, lil' cruise buddies!
  You: Oh, boy!
 <Use » Carving Knife> (sail is wound up)
  Narrator: Good idea, Larry!  However, the sail, unlike you, is wound quite
  You think: I wish I had a dollar...
  Narrator: Wouldn't this be the place to come up with some "new material?"

  Narrator: Powerful motors spin the yardarm, wrapping and unwrapping the sails
            around it.

                        Bridge Exterior                              G0804

<Door Handle>
  Narrator: Turn this to enter. Unless it's locked, of course, but who would
            lock up the bridge of a ship? The crew just loves to have civilians
            roaming about while they're trying to safely keep the ship on
  Narrator: You don't need to turn it; it's open.

<Electrical Junction Box>
  Narrator: This appears to be some sort of electrical box. Heaven only knows
            what it controls, the radar, the satellite link, the dirty movie
            channel in your cabin?
  You: I've got dirty movies?
  Narrator: Well, no...YOU don't.
  Narrator: Screwing around with high voltage is always a good idea, but
            fortunately for you, this box is tightly screwed shut.
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Narrator: Good idea. Let's see what's in there.s

<Electrical Junction Box - Opened>
  Narrator: Strange combination of circuitry, isn't it?
 <Use » Jumper Wire>
  You: What if I just connected these two circuits together? That shouldn't
       cause any problems, should it? Heh, heh, heh.
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Narrator: You could just stick a metal screwdriver into a box filled with
            high-voltage electricity, but it would be the last thing you stick
  You: Wow!

  Narrator: This ladder leads up... unless you're on that deck up there and
            then it leads... down!
  You: You mean...
  Narrator: Yep. It goes both ways!
  You: Whoa.
  *climb to Mizzenmast*

<Life Preserver>
  Narrator: You can never tell when one of these will come in handy, especially
            in the middle of the ocean.
  You: That sounds like I'm supposed to take it. Am I?
  Narrator: Try it.
  Narrator: You can't. It's for decorative purposes only.
  You: Doh!

  Narrator: It's just a public address speaker. That's where you hear all those

  Narrator: There's nothing up there except access to the mast and acres of
            white polyester sailcloth.

<PA System Fuse>
  Narrator: Looks like you've found the fuse for the public address system.
  Narrator: You don't want to take the public address system's fuse; then you'd
            have no way of knowing if you won the Thygh's Man Trophy contest.

  Narrator: Through this hole you can see inside the bridge. It appears to be
  You: Aeeeehhhh!! Who's steering the ship?
  Narrator: Autopilot. Calm down.
  You: Oh.

<Sail Motors Fuse>
  Narrator: This must be the fuse for the motors that make the sails furl and
  Narrator: You don't want to take the sail motors' fuse.

*if having opened the junction box and you attemt to leave*
 You think: I'll replace this cover and no one will be the wiser.

                        Bridge Interior                              G0805

<Beer Cans>
  Narrator: Gosh, it's not like sailors to drink on duty.
  Narrator: What for? You can get free drinks in the bar.

  Narrator: It seems to be hopelessly lost. Like you.

<Control Box>
  Narrator: The front of this box is divided into two parts labeled "PA System"
            and "Sails."
 <Turn on>
  Narrator: You don't want to make an announcement.
  *scene with dog*
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Narrator: Good idea. But not in here. Someone might see you.

  Narrator: This is the door you just opened.

<Fuzzy Dice>
  Narrator: Every good ship has a pair of fuzzy dice.
  Narrator: No, you can't win in the casino with fuzzy dice!

<Instrument Panel>
  Narrator: The bridge is filled with complicated equipment, instruments,
            computers... and a bungee cord.

  You think: I don't like dogs!
  *scene with dog*

<Ship's Wheel>
  Narrator: Why bother with expensive radar and auto-pilots when a bungee cord
            works just as well... sometimes.

                        Captain's Quarters Exterior                  G0806

<Captain's Cabin Door>
  Narrator: This is the door to Captain Thygh's personal quarters.
  Narrator: It's locked. Maybe if you knocked.
  Narrator: If you're really quiet, you may hear something through the door...
  Narrator: Is this a good idea?
  Waiter: Waddaya want? I'm busy! Ooohhh.
  You: Uh, nothing.
  Captain Thygh: Get your ass back in here, right now! You've got work to do!
  Waiter: Okay! I, I... I gotta go!
  Captain Thygh: Get the Mazola oil!
 <Knock> (after winning TMT)
  You: Okay, Cap'n. Prepare to meet your new master!
  You: God, man! What happened to you!?
  Waiter: I'm last week's winner. Or... what's left of me!
  Waiter: Don't go in there!!
  Narrator: Are you sure you want to continue, Larry?
  You: I made it this far; I'm not quitting now!

<Door Porthole>
  Narrator: Captain Thygh spends the entire week "behind closed doors,"
            practicing her unique form of "hands on management." She wouldn't
            appreciate your spying on her... and him.

  Narrator: That railing is up there for a reason. You don't know what it is,
            but there IS a reason.

<TMT Leader Board>
  Narrator: This whiteboard shows the progress of the leaders in Captain
            Thygh's competition.
 *cut to Leader Board*

Captain's Quarters Leader Board:

<Captain Thygh's Leader Board>
 <Look> (depends on your progress)
  Narrator: Captain Thygh's whiteboard graphically displays the relative
            progress of the leading contestants in her "Thygh's Man Trophy"
  Narrator: You're not doing very well.
  Narrator: You're doing all right, but you're a long way from first place.
  Narrator: You know, you just might be able to pull this one together, Larry.
  Narrator: Your cheating has served you well. Now, just don't get caught now!
  Narrator: You can almost taste the sweetness of victory... if you can win,
            that is.

*Names on the leader board:
Al, William, Bob, Bryan, Davi, Do, Jason, Layne, Mark, Steve, Jennifer, Ben

                        Captain's Quarters Interior                  G0807

<Thygh's Body>
  Narrator: Captain Thygh is built like a brick shipyard!

<Thygh's Chest>
  Narrator: In case of emergency, these may be used as a flotation device.

<Thygh's Face>
  Narrator: Captain Thygh has a face which DID launch a thousand ships!

<Thygh's Legs>
  Narrator: How I'd love to dock my skin boat in that harbor!

<Thygh's Lips>
  Narrator: Loose lips may sink ships, but Captain Thygh knows how to use hers
            to keep things up!

<Captain Thygh>
  Narrator: Captain Thygh is beautiful, spoiled and oversexed.
  You: It's like I died and went to heaven!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Captain Thygh: Well, I'll be damned. You DID win!
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard / Photo ID Keycard>
  Captain Thygh: So what? I have a key to every door!
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Captain Thygh: That looks like a key to the storage areas in the hold. You
                 haven't been messing around below decks, have you?
  You: Oh, no. But I'd like to mess around with you!
  Captain Thygh: You should BE so lucky!
 <Use » Life Insurance Policy>
  Captain Thygh: I don't want it, but you have to admit it is very impressive.
                 Just look at the size of it!
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Captain Thygh: That looks like ship's property. How did you obtain that?
  You: Oh, I think I bought it at our last port of call.
  Captain Thygh: Oh. Well, okay. But don't let me see it again.
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Captain Thygh: Do you think I don't know how you got that money? Really,
 <Use » Anything Else>
  Captain Thygh: There's no need to guess, Laffer. I'll tell you exactly what
                 to do. That's what I do best!
 <Use » Stock Certificate>
  You: You know, Cappy, I just might be the boy who makes your dreams come
  Captain Thygh: This is doubtful. Extremely doubtful.
  You: What would you say if I told you I recently came into a significant
       position in a major shipping line?
  Captain Thygh: I'd say we were both dreaming.
  You: Well, dream no more, sweetcakes. Let me whip this out.
  Captain Thygh: God, how crude!
  You: Yep, crude it is! Crude OIL shipping.
  Captain Thygh: Well, I'll be damned! Does this say what I think it says? That
  You: ...nothing less than the proud new majority shareholder of BoneCo
       Transportation. Only the number one crude oil shipper in all the world!
  Captain Thygh: This changes everything.       
  You: Sure does. But operating the world's largest fleet of super-tankers is
       so demanding. The environmental groups; the regulators; the constant
       turn- over when captains strike major continents...
  Captain Thygh: Turnover can be a good thing...
  You: Well, I AM looking for someone to "fill a position directly under me!" 
  Captain Thygh: Mmmmm.
  Captain Thygh: Oh, Larry.
  You: Oh, baby! You're the GREATest! This has got to be the BEST night of my
  Captain Thygh: Put on these handcuffs, Laffer!
  You: Although I truly appreciate opera, do you mind putting on some of MY

Talking to Captain Thygh:
*first meeting*
 Captain Thygh: There's been some terrible error. I was told the winner of my
                competition was one "Larry Laffer."
 You: Oh, that's me, all righty!
*subsequent meetings*
 You: I'm back!
 Captain Thygh: Excuse me while I try to hide my enthusiasm.
 You: Yeah. I'm excited too!
<Generic Answer>
 Captain Thygh: I don't know anything at all about that.
 You: Don't you get tired of spending every week with a new man, learning his
      fancies, his desires, his sensitivities, his erogenous zones? Learning to
      please him?
 Captain Thygh: Perhaps I don't understand the question. What exactly are you
                are trying to say?
 You: I am so excited about winning the free cruise... and spending a week with
      a beautiful babe like you!
 Captain Thygh: Why, there must be some mistake. No, that was never part of the
 You: But, I thought... you know, your cabin... a week of...
<Free ticket>
 You: But I won the contests, fair and... I won the contests!
 Captain Thygh: Yes, I know. Well, the cruise part is no problem. I'm sure YOUR
                room is available next week.
 You: But...
 Captain Thygh: And I know that the winner is SUPPOSED to spend a week with me,
                but... I'm filled with ennui.
 You: What do you mean, "on we?"
 Captain Thygh: "Ennui!" Oh, it's difficult to explain...
 Narrator: ennui, noun. Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of
           interest; boredom. French, from the Old French "ennuier:" to annoy,
           to bore, from the Vulgar Latin. To quote John Barth, "The servants
           relieved their ennui with gambling and gossip about their masters."
 Captain Thygh: Who the hell is THAT?
 Narrator: I don't know. But I hear him all the time!
<But I won!>
 You: But, how can you change the rules now? I thought I'd won the game!
 Captain Thygh: After seeing you, Larry Laffer, suddenly I expect something
                more. And besides, I always say "a man should give before he
 You: So waddaya say, Cappy? How about a little date? You and me? Tonight? A
      little dinner, a little disco, a lotta "dat-co!?"
 Captain Thygh: Not this time, Larry. I... have... a headache.
 You: Yeah. Like I haven't heard THAT one before! (You can take aspirin, you
<Al Lowe>
 You: Did I mention I've met Al Lowe?
 Captain Thygh: Did I mention I've had him?
 You: Damn! Smoked again!
 You: But I thought you just automatically had sex with every guy who won your
 Captain Thygh: Yeah, I did. Until now. Perhaps it's time for a change.
<Ken Williams>
 You: You know, I know Ken Williams personally.
 Captain Thygh: Oh, yeah? Well, I know Ken Williams Biblically!
 You: So, what do you really want out of life, Captain?
 Captain Thygh: Oh, I don't know. The cruise game just isn't what it used to
                be. Once, everything was tinsel and glamour, jet setters and
                high rollers, playboys and loose sex. And now? Richard Simmons
                and Cathy Lee! Besides, this was never my idea of a career. I
                want to return to my previous occupation.
 You: Oh?
 Captain Thygh: Supertanker captain.
 You: Really?
 Captain Thygh: Yes. I'd do anything to put "some real mass" under me again! I
                just can't understand why I lost that gig on the "Boning
                Valdez" just because we happened to run aground. Like it's my
                fault Hazelton would rather spend the night in my cabin instead
                of on that drafty old bridge!
<Pick up line>
 You: So, waddaya say? A little game of drop the anchor? You and me? Stem to
      stern? Tug and tanker?
 Captain Thygh: God, Larry, you're pathetic. How'd did you ever get past the
                LoveMaster 2000? Cheat?
 You: Was that a "no?"
 You: I just remembered... I've got a meeting. Bye bye.
 Captain Thygh: Yeah. Right. You'll be back.

                        Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge                     G0808
*Competition introduction as you first enter the area*
 Peter: ...there's a few chairs there in the back. Oh, never mind. If you're
        not seated by now, just stand!
 Peter: I'm sure Captain Thygh will be pleased to see such a good turnout this
        week. As you know, each week she runs a little competition for her male
        (or male-like) passengers, which she calls "The Thygh's Man Trophy"
        contest. Of course, there's no actual trophy involved. No, what you win
        is better than hardware: one of you will spend next week "Cruising on
        the Captain." That is, she'll treat you to a one-week cruise in her
        cabin where your every need will be met. By now, each of you has
        received your personal scorecard, listing a random set of events the
        computer assigned you. Don't worry; no one has to enter every event --
        there are too many. Just find the ones listed on your scorecard, enter
        and win. The "man" with the highest total score wins. Are there any
 Crowd: Are there any answers?
 Peter: You may begin.
 You: Hey. I've got a question.
 Peter: Yes? There. In the... interesting clothes.
 You: What's this item listed here on my scorecard: "Chast-titty?"
 Peter: It's a joke, sweetheart! Say what's wrong with you, anyway? You're not
        some sort of "government infiltrator," are you?
 You: That's ridiculous!
 Peter: Oh, yes? I'm gonna keep my eye on you, sweetheart!
 You: It's not my fault you can't MAKE a joke!
 Peter: Yeah? You'll find out when we're finally in charge. Then you'll be the
        one singing a "chast-titty" tune!
 You: That's it. I'm leaving now. Everyone else has already gone.
 Peter: So they have. Very well. Dismissed!
 You: He's a strange one!

  Narrator: Quite a theme they've got going here, isn't it?

<Barrels & Chests>
  Narrator: You heard this place was filled with big chests, but...
  Narrator: Only you would think to sit down and watch a non-existent stage

  Narrator: They're fake. Just like the drinks.

<Clothing Chase Lights>
  You think: The Juggs must have lost the electric chase lights from their
             clothing in the frenzy of our passionate love-making.
  Narrator: Either that or their battery's run down.
  Narrator: What are you going to do with those?

<Guitar Amplifiers>
 Narrator: Look! From here you can see the Juggs didn't even bother to plug in
           their guitar amps. Everything was pre-recorded.
 You: I feel SO... used.

  Narrator: You haven't seen a mixer like this since you ran sound for that
            rock band back in high school.
  Narrator: Well. What's this? The sound man left his earplugs lying under the
 <Turn on>
  Narrator: No. Leave well enough alone.

<Mr. Karaoke Box>
  Narrator: The Juggs spare no expense bringing the utmost in musical realism
            to their act.
 <Turn on>
  Narrator: Fortunately for everyone, there is no tape in Mr. Karaoke Box.

<Mr. Microphone>
  Narrator: There's Dildo!
 <Turn on>
  You: Hey, cutie! We'll be back to pick you up real soon!

  Narrator: No, you can't log on!

<Remote Control>
  Narrator: That's the remote control the sound engineer uses to turn on and
            off the Juggs' electric clothing.
  Narrator: There's a "remote" possibility you could use that.

<Shredded Clothing>
  Narrator: There's not much left to THAT leisure suit. Or those country
            western outfits.

<Speaker Doors>
  Narrator: These clever doors close to protect the PA system's loudspeakers
            from ill-thrown bottles that miss the entertainers.

  Narrator: This stage is a veritable Vaudevillian's Graveyard, where
            talentless acts go to die!
  Narrator: You'd love to go on stage, but you forgot your climbing gear.
  You: Hey, yeah! Why didn't I bring my climbing gear?
  Narrator: Because you don't have climbing gear!
  You: Oh. Well, yeah.

<Stage Stairs>
  Narrator: These stairs lead up to the stage.

  Narrator: He looks amazing life-like, if you can convince yourself latex and
            stainless steel are life-like.
  Narrator: You're trying to talk to a robot?

*Once the announcement of the Clinton stand-up act has been heard*

Ship's Announcer: And now: The Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge presents our version of
                  Disney's Mr. Lincoln. Welcome to "Great Moments with Mr.
                  Clinton," starring our little audio-animatronic answer to the
                  deterioration of respect for the office of the President of
                  the United States, WILLY!
Willy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And let me just say this: Thank you.
       I'm your president!
Willy: Hey, wait a minute now. I haven't started the jokes yet!
Willy: Ya know, I'll tell any joke, any color, for just $49.95. Ha ha ha ha.
       Not just my own, mind you, but yours too. I want to share the wealth.
       Just record 'em in the proper format and stick 'em in the game's sub-
       directory and you can hear me say 'em, right here, on stage! After all,
       I'm not a real President; just an incredibly life-like stimulation, I
       mean, simulation!
Willy: And now, without any further to do, here's the gags!

*see "Gags" sections for a full list*

Juggs' Concert:
The Juggs: ...so jes' stop yur talkin' and put that tongue where it'll do some
Crowd: *Applause*  *Cheers* *Whistles*
Nailmi: Thank ya'll.
Wydoncha: Thank ya so much.
Wydoncha: And now we need a volunteer for the "Unplugged" part of our set. Who
          wants to play with our jugs?
You think: Wow!
Wydoncha: Why, lookee here, Mama: a volunteer!
Nailmi: Howdy, BUCK-aroo!
Wydoncha: Pardon us, while we whip these out...
Crowd: Gasp!
Crowd: Whew!
Nailmi: Hey, Johnson? How 'bout some special lighting?
*lights come on*
Nailmi: Whew! Wydoncha, honey, is it hot in here?
Wydoncha: Oh, Mama. I'm ah gettin' that feelin' again!
The Juggs: Grab him!
You: Owwf!
*both women jump Larry*
Crowd: Yee-haw.
Crowd: Ooooh!
Crowd: Ahhhh!

                        Juggs' Dressing Room                         G0809

*Easter Egg*
Nailmi: Come on in, Honey.
Wydoncha: Oh, Mama! Not again!
You: Yee-haw!

  Narrator: This barrel is filled with fire water.
  You: Ugh. Me likkum fire water!
  Narrator: No, Larry: real water -- in case a hairdo bursts into flames!

  Narrator: The Juggs have many styles of shoes, all of them boots.

  Narrator: This button is unmarked. You'd better not push it. You have no idea
            what would happen.
  Narrator: What a surprise. You pushed an unmarked button. You hope nothing
            bad happens.
  You: Whew. Got away with another one!

<Clothes Rack>
  Narrator: Obviously the Juggs have more clothes than YOU've seen them wear.

<Empty Counter>
  Narrator: The counter has a large gaping hole where someone removed the
            Juggs' can of deodorant.
  Narrator: There's nothing left to take. You already have their deodorant.
 <Use » Silicone Lubricant>
  Narrator: The silicone lubricant looks exactly like the can of deodorant you
            took earlier! They'll never know the difference.

<Gun Rack>
  You: This gun rack is a perfect opportunity for me to tell you Al Lowe's
       favorite sell line for this game: "It's even more like Myst than Doom."
       Yeah. Pretty good, huh?
  Narrator: Yes. Marketing thought it sucked, too!
  You: I've had it! I can't take any more! I'm goin' postal!!
  Narrator: Wow. Acting, I presume!

  Narrator: Now THAT's a can of hairspray!
  Use: Wouldn't that be a fire hazard?

<Hair Trough>
  Narrator: Can't you just picture the Juggs, their heads hovering above that
            hair trough?
  Narrator: Okay.
  You: Ahhh. Hey! Where's the flusher?!

<Hay Bales>
  Narrator: The Juggs don't need bales of hay in their dressing room, it's just
            been a provision of Nailmi's contract ever since she had that
            Shetland pony in the act, way back in '74.
  You: Hey. I've HEARD of that! But I always thought the guys were kiddin' me.

<Karaoke Laserdiscs>
  Narrator: Each of their songs is on a separate disc. One disc is titled:
            "Big Hair An' Tangled Limbs"
            "Just A Cheap Pickup In A Cheap Pickup"
            "Thinking With My Panties Again"
            "You Got Into My Bra (But Not Into My Heart)"
            "Get Along, Long John"
            "White Trash Or No Trash"
            "I've Got Panties `Round My Ankles (And Pain Around My Heart)"
            "Felt Up And Feelin' Blue"
            "Hair Spray Cain't Hold My Love For You"
            "Even Your Old Dog Blew"
            "Support Hose and Child Support"
            "(Stop Yore Talkin' And) Put That Tongue Where It'll Do Some Good"
            "Glove Compartment Panties"
            "It Takes More Than Cognitive Reasoning"
            "Thinking Ain't Your Strong Suit"
            "He's Got His Daddy's Eyes (And His Other Daddy's Smile)"
  *The Juggs' Greatest Hits*
  You: You know, I haven't listened to country that much lately. That's not so

<Karaoke System>
  Narrator: The Juggs have a karaoke stereo system with a collection of all
            their hit records' backup tracks. They use it for practice, as well
            as for some of these small-time gigs. That way, they needn't be
            bothered with hiring live musicians.
  You: Boy, does THAT suck!

  Narrator: That's not a mirror, just a shadowy reflection of one.

  Narrator: Tread On Me!

<Spray Deodorant>
  Narrator: The Juggs left a can of spray deodorant on their dressing table.
  Narrator: You could take the deodorant, but shouldn't you leave something in
            its place so they don't notice?
  Narrator: That's a good idea. You could swap things by using one on the
            other. But what?
 <Use » Silicone Lubricant>
  Narrator: Sneaky idea. The Juggs will never notice. The two cans look almost

  Narrator: This is the silicone lubricant that you cleverly substituted for
            the Juggs' deodorant. You sly devil.
  Narrator: After all the trouble you went through to put this here, now you
            want to take it?
  You: Yeah. I guess that wasn't so bright, eh?s

                        Lounge Bar, Entrance To Juggs' Dressing Room G0810

*attempting to enter the dressing room*
 Johnson: Hey! Hold it! What do you think you're doing? You can't go in there.
          That's private. Why, them women could be naked in there! Their
          breasts a'swingin' back and forth. And the nipple thing... They could
          be hanging upside down again! You jest don't know!
 You: Oh, sorry. I was just looking for the head.
 Johnson: Don't you talk that "nautical" talk to me, bub. I'm just a plain ol'
          country boy!

*entering the dressing room while Johnson is away*
 You: Now I can sneak right in!

*if ordering a drink and then walking away*
 Johnson: Hey, loser! You want this drink you ordered?
 Johnson: I'll charge it to your room. 
 You: Thanks. Hey, my banana's all soft and flaccid... with little brown spots!
 Johnson: Sorry, bud. I only do drinks!

  Narrator: They're fake. Just like the drinks.

<Lighting Truss>
  Narrator: A large spotlight mounted on a movable platform is high up this

  Narrator: No, you can't log on!

<Spotlight / Empty Socket>
  Narrator: This is the follow spot used for stage shows.
 <Look> (after inserting the heating bulb)
  Narrator: You'd better be sure you're not on stage when this baby fires up!
 <Look> (after show?)
  Narrator: How many Sierra software engineers does it take to screw in a light
  You: Oh, I've heard this one. Two, right? But how could they fit inside?
  Narrator: Nope. None. It's a hardware problem.
  You: Hey. I'm not sticking Little Larry in THERE!
  You: Lemme... just... ease this...*breaks spotlight*
  You: Whoops.
 <Take> (after taking/breaking spotlight)
  Narrator: Take what, exactly? It's an empty socket!
 <Take> (after replacing with heat lamp bulb)
  Narrator: Stop fussing! It's fine.
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Narrator: Don't you think you should remove the old bulb first?
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb> (after taking/breaking spotlight)
  Narrator: That's a sneaky idea. The bulb fits. It's the right voltage. But
            won't it make the stage uncomfortably warm?

  Narrator: The rear gallery is reserved for "Standing Room Only" crowds. To
            date, it is unused.

  Narrator: This ladder leads to the back gallery of the Lounge.

<Barrels & Chests>
  Narrator: Now that's carrying a theme a little too far, don't you think?
  Narrator: Only you would think to sit down to watch a non-existent stage

  Narrator: Johnson the bartender fits the old cliche: "Surly to bed, surly to
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Johnson: I love to settle down in front of the TV with a big wheel of
           Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and a box of Wheat Thins. So where'd you
           get this?
  You: Oh, I knocked it out myself.
  Johnson: Really. Well, I'd like to share it with you, but I got no TV and no
           Wheat Thins. Better go it alone.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Johnson: I used to make a drink with this, but the Center for Shipboard
           Disease Control made me stop.
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Johnson: Oh, I don't need that. I got me a removable knothole back there in
           the wall to the Juggs' dressing room!
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Johnson: Nah, I already got me a lime-cuttin' knife right here.
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Johnson: Damn, them lights look familiar.
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Johnson: Hey, that's the same brand the Juggs use. I know... 'cause BBQ's my
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Johnson: Don't that belong down in the restaurant? I hear them suckers is
           mighty powerful, if'n you use 'em with the right lens and reflector.
 <Use » Jumper Wire>
  Johnson: Don't go puttin' that on no slot machines 'round here, boy. Crap
           like that'll getchur ass thrown in the brig, ya hear?
 <Use » Photo ID Keycard>
  Johnson: Yeah. I already got your number. Zero. Like in "big zero!"
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Johnson: I ain't fixin' no drinks with no fruit what's starts with "kum!"
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Johnson: I don't use no sissy stuff like that! What kinda feller you think I
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Johnson: You comin' on to me, boy? I ain't that way. And I don't want to see
           you naked. And you don't forget it!
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  Johnson: You ain't gotta rub it in. I know ya tricked me. Now just take your
           damn lime juice and get the hell outta here.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Johnson: That's really disgusting. Thanks for sharing.
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Johnson: You ain't supposed to have that! Give me that!
  You: No way. I just "borrowed" it.
  Johnson: Oh, well then. If you only borrowed it....
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Johnson: Thanks, but unlike the carnivorous hooker, I don't keep tips!
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Johnson: Larry, you're lookin' at the original orgasmic POWER standin' right
           before you!
  You: That label says "powder."
  Johnson: Oh. That too.
 <Use » Photo ID>
  Johnson: Nice likeness.
 <Use » Polyester Cloth>
  Johnson: My stage don't need no new curtains.
 <Use » Remote Control>
  Johnson: I recognize that! That's the little gizmo what the sound man uses to
           make the Juggs' costumes light up. It's pretty powerful. Sometimes
           he'd just pipe the show's audio to his room, lie in bed, and use
           that little sucker from there.
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Johnson: No, thanks. I can't eat on the job.
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Johnson: No, thanks. I can't eat on the job.
 <Use » Salt>
  Johnson: Want me to put a little around your rim?
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Johnson: You're not even close, are you?
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Johnson: Nah, I keep a roll right here under the counter. Case I have ta blow
           ma nose during working hours.
 <Use » Anything Else>
  Johnson: Nah. I don' need anything from you. Your credit's good here.

Talking to Johnson:
*first meeting*
 You: Howdy, barkeep. Whadaya got?
 Johnson: My name's Johnson. And anything you want, we got. Whadaya want?

*subsequen meetings*
 You: If it isn't my old friend, the mixologist.
 Johnson: Yeah, right. You wanna drink or doncha?
 You: Hey, uh, Johnson. How's it hangin', Johnson? It's me, Larry.
 Johnson: Hey, fella. What's your name again?
 You: Oh, well, you can call me Lar, or you can call me Larry, or you can call
      me Larry (heh-heh) Larry Laffer, or you can call me Laffer.  But don't
      call me schmuck!

*after winning best-dressed competition*
You: Hey, Johnson. It's me, Larry.
Johnson: Hey, man. Nice threads!

<generic response>
 Johnson: Waddayou think I am, an encyclopedia salesman? I don't know nuttin'
          'bout that!
 Johnson: I dunno.
 Johnson: Nope. Don't ever ask me 'bout that no more!
 Johnson: What? No. Don't know. Ask someone else. No, don't.
 Johnson: Okay, you stumped me!
 You: I bet you see a lot of beautiful women working here, eh, Johnson?
 Johnson: Yeah, so what?
 You: I'm just making conversation.
 Johnson: And I'm just making drinks. Why doncha stop yappin' 'n' order one?
 You: You must get a lot of guys in here, telling you their troubles, don't
      you? Is it hard, Johnson?
 Johnson: Yeah. Makes me sick! I us'lly punch their lights out! Why?
 You: Oh...no reason.
 You: Give me, uh...
 Johnson: Oh, just point to the menu.
 You: ...one of THOSE.
 Johnson: No problem. Comin' right up!
 You: Here ya go.
 Johnson: Gulp, gulp, gulp.
 You: Boy, are these drinks watered down!
 You: How about a bourbon and soda? On the rocks. With a twist. And an
      umbrella. And some fruit. And maybe a bendy straw, if you got 'em.
 Johnson: You 'bout done?
 You: Uh...yeah.
 Johnson: Here. We ain't got no bendy straws, so I gave you a "Cap'n Happy's
          Barrel O' Fun" straw.
 You: I guess it'll have to do. What do I owe you?
 Johnson: Nuttin. I'll put it on yur room. Gotta keycard?
 You: Right here.
 Johnson: Okay. Now drink it!
<Gigantic Erection>
 You: Oh, Johnson! I want a "Gigantic Erection!"
 Johnson: Talk to the Captain, not me!
 You: No, I mean a drink. A cocktail.
 Johnson: Oh. Well, that'll take a while. Are you sure?
 You: Oh, I'll wait. No problem.
 *a while later*
 Johnson: Here ya go. I'll just charge it to your room. That your keycard?
 You: Thanks.
 You think: Doesn't seem to work!
<Lime Juice>
 You: Excuse me, Johnson. I want a glass of lime juice.
 Johnson: No.
 You: Why not?
 Johnson: We don't serve JUST lime juice.
 You: And... why not?
 Johnson: 'Cause it ain't on the menu.
 You: Oh, it ain't, ain't it?
 Johnson: Nope. And if it ain't on the menu, I ain't servin' it!
 You: Well, then, how about you make me a Lime Rickey, Johnson? Is that on your
 Johnson: Yeah. Okay. One lime rickey, coming up.
 You: But leave out the gin, okay?
 Johnson: Okay. Virgin.
 You: And leave out the soda water, okay?
 Johnson: Okay.
 You: And leave out the sugar, okay?
 Johnson: Okay.
 You: And leave out the friggin' ice, okay?
 Johnson: Why, you...
 You: And make it snappy!
 Johnson: Here! Pucker up!
 You: See ya later, Johnson.
 Johnson: Yeah. Whatever.

                        Horseshoe Competition                        G0811

  Narrator: This bush cleverly conceals the massive air conditioner the PMS
            Bouncy uses to cool these open decks.
  Narrator: You've always thought a bush in the hand is worth... wait a minute.

<Card Slot>
  Narrator: Insert your "Thygh's Man Trophy" scorecard into this slot whenever
            you're ready to compete.
 <Use » Keycard>
  Narrator: Your keycard is used to unlock your cabin, but it does nothing
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  You: Yuck.
  You: Yuck! I hope that's my card.

  Narrator: This fiberglass centaur hides the "Thygh's Man Trophy" cardreader.
            Simply insert your scorecard in his slot to begin. The system
            verifies your eligibility with the ship's central competition
            computer, then automatically scores and tabulates your efforts.
  You: Pretty doggone impressive.
  Narrator: Especially considering it's still running on a Commodore 64!

<Horseshoe Court>
  Narrator: Be careful not to walk there when someone is throwing horseshoes.
  *Scene if you have taken a horseshoe*
  Narrator: First, insert your "Thygh's Man Trophy" scorecard in the

<Horseshoe Stake>
  Narrator: That's the target for anyone playing horseshoes here. But isn't it
            strange? It looks like someone drove the steel stake right through
            the ship's expensive pseudo-mahoganite deck.
  *Scene if you have taken a horseshoe*
  Narrator: First, insert your "Thygh's Man Trophy" scorecard in the

  Narrator: On a clear day, you can see down into the lobby from here.

*Scene when playing the horseshoe competition before rigging it followed by a
 Ship's Announcer: That was mediocre.
 Ship's Announcer: That wasn't very good.
 Ship's Announcer: That sucked.
 Ship's Announcer: That was typical.
 Ship's Announcer: Why not just quit. You suck.
 Ship's Announcer: Another unlucky loser!

*Scene when playing the horseshoe competition after rigging it*
 Ship's Announcer: Congratulations! Another ringer!

*Try leaving the area with the horseshoe*
 Ship's Announcer: Horseshoes may not be removed from the horseshoe area.
 Ship's Announcer: Do not exit the horseshoe area without removing your
                   scorecard from the horse's ass you horse's ass.

                        Poop Deck                                    G0812

<Air Intakes>
  Narrator: Pretty clever of the ship's designers: disguising the engines' air
            intakes as a giant Champagne bucket, complete with bottle.

<Bathing Women>
  *Switch to Talking to The Juggs*

  Narrator: You'd do anything to hear another bush joke, wouldn't you?

<Exhaust Pipes>
  Narrator: Pretty clever of the ship's designers: disguising the engines'
            exhaust pipes to look like a monster truck's... exhaust... pipes.
            Well. Not TOO clever.

<The Juggs>
  *Closeup talking to The Juggs*

Talking to The Juggs:

  Narrator: Lucky bubbles!
 <Turn off>
  Narrator: Man, are you horny! You can't turn off those bubbles. Those women
            might be naked from the waist down!
 <Turn on>
  Narrator: Yeah, this IS a turn on, isn't it?

<Empty Glasses>
  Narrator: Aboard the PMS Bouncy, the Champagne flows like water. But not in
            these glasses!
  Narrator: You would love a drink, but those glasses are bone dry.
  You think: How about their bath water then?
  Narrator: (Disgusted moan.)

<Nailmi Jugg>
  Narrator: Nailmi Jugg is one of the great country singers.
  You think: Isn't that an oxymoron?

<Nailmi's Body>
  Narrator: Now there's a body that's paid its dues in haystacks.

<Nailmi's Face>
  Narrator: They look so much alike they could be mother and daughter!

<Nailmi's Hair>
  Narrator: You pray that 'doo isn't flammable!

<Nailmi's Jugs>
  Narrator: The Juggs are every bit as natural as their hair.

<Nailmi's Lips>
  Narrator: There's a pair of lips that have been wrapped around more than just
            a beer bottle!

 <Look> (pre-show)
  Narrator: You quietly contemplate drinking that entire tub of water... but
            decide against it.
 <Look> (post-show)
  Narrator: That's where the Juggs used to soak themselves. Think of the
            stories those jets could tell.

<Wydoncha Jugg>
  Narrator: Wydoncha Jugg is typical of the problem in country music today. Too
            much substance... not enough flash!

<Wydoncha's Face>
  Narrator: They look so much alike they could be mother and daughter!

<Wydoncha's Hair>
  Narrator: Better coiffures through chemistry!

<Wydoncha's Jugs>
  Narrator: This Jugg's for you!

<* Juggs> (* applies for both)
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Nailmi: I was thinkin' 'bout enterin' that contest. That Captain is dang near
  Wydoncha: Wydoncha! Remember? We voted. And bisexuality lost!
 <Use » Photo ID Keycard / Your Cabin Keycard>
  Nailmi: God, this is just like bein' on the road. 
  Wydoncha: Oh, Mama. I think he's kinda cute.
  Nailmi: How long you been out in this sun, Wydoncha? You okay?
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Nailmi: Oh, I recognize that photographer. He works here on the ship.
 <Use » Photo ID>
  Wydoncha: Well, that proves it. 
  Nailmi: Yep. You must be Larry Laffer!
 <Use » Passport>
  Wydoncha: Ain' much of a picture, is it, Larry? 
 <Use » "Prudish and Proud">
  Wydoncha: Mama don' read much. 'Specially books like that!
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Wydoncha: Read it.
  Nailme: Read it, hell! You're IN it!
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Wydoncha: Wow! Whacha got in mind, honey? 
 <Use » Silicone Lubricant>
  You: Did you mention silicon lubricant?
  Nailmi: Whoa, boy! Git that away from me!
  Wydoncha: Mama still has nightmares over that stuff.
  Nailmi: Never again. You combine that stuff with our costumes and Gawd only
          knows whad'll happen!
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Wydoncha: Hey, that's OUR brand, too.
  Nailmi: Ain't that stuff potent? I love it!
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Nailmi: Hey, it's already hot enough here. 
  Wydoncha: Yeah, this warm tropical sun is heat enough for me.
  Nailmi: Good thing we soaking in this chilled Champagne.
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Nailmi: You're really lost, aren't you, Larry?! 
 <Use » Souvenir Dice>
  Nailmi: My fourth husband loved to play craps. Damn shame that's also HOW he
 <Use » Shaved Dice>
  Nailmi: My fourth husband loved to play craps. Damn shame that's also HOW he
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Nailmi: Does that come in a can or a box? 
  Narrator: No, Larry. Don't go there.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Wydoncha: Mama has plenty of that downstairs in our dressing room.
  Nailmi: Wydoncha honey, this man doesn't want to hear about our dirty
  Narrator: You hope that was a figure of speech!
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Nailmi: Looks kinda fruity.
  Wydoncha: I wish I had a dollar for every time you've told me that!
  You think: Hey! That's MY line.
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Wydoncha: Oh, we're on that new high protein diet!
  Nailmi: New? Hell, I 'member that from the 60's. Well... I 'member people
          tellin' me 'bout it.
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Nailmi: I used to use that. But only for medicinal purposes, of course. 
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Nailmi: Don'chu threaten me, boy. I had an ol' man who used to pull that
  Wydoncha: MAMA! He's locked up, safe and sound. Please, Larry. Put that away!
 <Use » Polyester Cloth>
  Wydoncha: I ain' much into synthetics.
  Nailmi: Unless you count your figger.
  Wydoncha: Mama! You're a fine one to talk! Them ones o' yours is 'bout ready
            for their 50,000 bounce check-up, ain't they?
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Wydoncha: That looks like fun. But do we have to use a roulette wheel? 
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Nailmi: This is nice. But what do you expect me to do with it? 
 <Use » Stock Certificate>
  Nailmi: I don' play the market no more since my fourth husband "business
          managed" away all my investments on that "sure thing" in Manhattan
          real estate!
  Wydoncha: Oh. Was that "Uncle" Jeff?
  Nailmi: No. "Uncle" Bernie, that bastard! Remember him?
  Wydoncha: Is he the one in Leavenworth now?
  Nailmi: No, that's Uncle Ernie.
  Wydoncha: Well, then, no. I don' remember him.
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Nailmi: Oh, honey, put that away. We don't need your money.
  Wydoncha: Yeah. We're richer'n shit.
  Nailmi: Wydoncha! Watchur mouth.
  Wydoncha: Sorry, Mama. We got a shitload o' money!
 <Use » Magazine Page>
  Wydoncha: See: Mama don' read much. 
  Nailmi: Yeah. 'specially magazines. Hate 'em. Ever since they turned on us.
  Wydoncha: Oh, Mama. You're so paranoid.
  Nailmi: Paranoid, hell. I KNOW they're out to get us!
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Wydoncha: Oh, we're on that new high protein diet!
  Nailmi: New? Hell, I 'member that from the 60's. Well... I 'member people
          tellin' me 'bout it.
 <Use » Other> 
  Nailmi: Oh, we don't want that. Do we, Wydoncha?
  Wydoncha: Oh, we don't want that. Do we, Mama?

<First Meeting>
 You: Hi ya, girls! My name's Larry; Larry Laffer.
 Nailmi: "Laffer?" That's a funny lil' ol' name.
 Wydoncha: And I bet you're a funny lil' ol' fella, too!
 You: Well, gee, I guess so. Say, don't I know you?
 Nailmi: Oh, prob'ly.
 You: Yeah. You're famous, aren't you?
 Wydoncha: We're the Juggs! 
 Nailmi: Ma name's Nailmi, and this here's my daughter, Wydoncha.
 Wydoncha: So, you ever heard our records, Larry?
<Subsequent Meetings>
 You: Howdy!
 Wydoncha: Well, it's our lil' ol' Lafferin' friend. What can we do ya for?
 You: Have you girls ever, uh, considered, well... how do I say this...?
 Wydoncha: You go on ahead, Lar. You ain' gonna shock us.
 You: Well, have you ever thought about, uh, a threesome?
 Nailmi: Oh, we've considered it. We thought it might spice things up a little,
         ya know?
 You: Really? Wow!
 Wydoncha: Yeah, the road gets lonely with jes Mama and me.
 You: Yeah, I'll bet!
 Nailmi: But we finally decided another band member wouldn't really work out.
 You: Doh!
 You: So... why are a couple of famous singers like you taking a cruise?
 Nailmi: Well, to be honest, Larry, fame can be a curse as well as a blessin'.
         All that tourin' was justa wearin' us out.
 Wydoncha: Not to mention the fact we cain't show our faces in public again
           until the heat's off.
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, hush yor mouth!
 You: Now let's see; I've forgotten. Which of you is the mother and which is
      the daughter?
 Nailmi: Aw shucks, Larry! Ain' chu the little flatterer. I'm Wydoncha's mama,
         don'cha know. Of course, we are dang near the same age. (I had her on
         my first ovulation!)
 Wydoncha: Heck, yeah! I'm 19, and Mama's been 29 for at least five years.
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, you are NOT funny.
 You: What do you mean, "'til the heat's off?"
 Nailmi: Oh, there was an unpleasant little incident about a month ago. We was
         doin' a benefit at a maximum security women's correctional facility.
 Wydoncha: We was tryin' to give our poor sisters a chance to forget their
 Nailmi: It's always for the fans, don'cha know?
 Wydoncha: That, an' our manager said it'd be a cheap way to shoot our new
           cable special, "Caged Heat: Juggs Behind Bars."
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, who's telling this story, anyway? Welp, it turns out that
         day we had a little trouble a'fittin' into our Spandex costumes.
 Wydoncha: See, Mama'd been hittin' them tour bus donuts agin!
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, shush! Anyhow, you know the show must go on, so I jes' had
         one of our roadies spray us down with silly-cone lubricant.
 Wyondcha: An' we just slid right in!
 You think: Now there's an interesting image.
 Nailmi: Well, we had no idea the hot stage lights'd trigger a chemical
         reaction between the Spandex and that silly-cone lubricant.
 Wydoncha: WHoooooooooeeeeeEE, that was SOMETHING.
 Nailmi: It did cause a commotion.
 Wydoncha: Oh, yeah.
 You: So what happened?
 Wydoncha: It's all kinda jes' a blur now!
 Nailmi: Let's just say that after that, everywhere we went we was accosted by
         tabloid photographers.
 Wydoncha: We was mobbed! 
 Nailmi: And once they aired that videotape on "A Nashville Affair," well, we
        jes' had ta lay low fer a while.
 Wydoncha: So here we are. Just'a soaking up some rays and kicking back.
<Big 'Uns>
 You: I notice you both have really large, uh, ...hairstyles.
 Wydoncha: Yeah! You like 'em?
 You: They're sure ...big. How do you get them that way?
 Nailmi: Now, Larry, that's a lil' ol' show biz secret. 
 Wydoncha: Yeah, but it ain't fer nothin' our tour is sponsored by Aqua Net.
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, hush...
 Wydoncha: To get it really big, I like to hang upside down!
 Nailmi: Wydoncha stop...
 Wydoncha: And to keep the hairspray from stickin' to your outfit ya jes about
           gotta be buck-nekkid!
 Nailmi: That's about enough, Wydoncha.
 You: That's actually TOO much, but thanks for sharing!
 Wydoncha: Any time!
 You: So, what kind of music do you sing?
 Nailmi: Both kinds: country AND western!
 Wydoncha: ASS-kickin' country western!
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, honey, we don't use that kinda language no more.
 Wydoncha: Sorry, Mama. BUTT-kickin.
 Nailmi: Now, see? Was that so hard? You prob'ly know our big hit, "Big Hair
         and Tangled Limbs."
 You: It doesn't ring a bell.
 Wydoncha: What about "I Got My Panties 'Round My Ankles (and Pain 'Round My
           Heart?)" Ya know that one, doncha?
 You: It sure sounds like a Grammy winner.
 Nailmi: Oh, hon, it is, it IS. When we finish that'un, there ain't a dry eye
         in the house!
 Wydoncha: So jes' what kinda music DO you listen to, anyway?
 You: Disco (ka-chunk, ka-chunk). You know, some folks say it's coming back.
 Wydoncha: I don't.
 You: But see, I say it never left!
 Nailmi: You ARE a funny lil' feller!
<Pick up line>
 You: Hi! My name's Bill Gates!
 Wydoncha: Nah, couldn't be. You're too geeky!
 Narrator: Slam! Dunk!! Score!!!
 You: You two must be performing here on the cruise.
 Nailmi: We weren't gonna at first. 
 Wydoncha: We're on vacation, don'cha know?
 Nailmi: Yeah, we was jes' wantin' a break.
 Wydoncha: From the pressures of fame!
 Nailmi: But our manager insists we keep our act tight, so we decided to do one
         special show.
 Wydoncha: For the fans, don'cha know?
 Nailmi: God love 'em.
 You: So why do you wear Spandex outfits if it caused you so much grief?
 Nailmi: For the fans, doncha know?
 Wydoncha: Yeah, it's always fer the fans.... And because its mild corseting
           action keeps Mama outta them "full-figured" sizes!
 Nailmi: Wydoncha that'll be enuf!
 You: Do you have any recordings I could listen to? 
 Nailmi: Ya know, I'd love to give you an autographed copy of our latest CD,
         "This Jugg's Fer You," but we left for this cruise in such a hurry we
         only had time to grab a few lacy nothin's off'n the bus.
 Wydoncha: Oh, that's okay. I far prefer the superior fidelity of 8-track.
 Nailmi: Say, you ARE a funny lil' feller!
 You: Uh, I was wonderin', ya know, how, ah, did you get them so big?
 Wydoncha: They are sump'tin, ain' they?
 Nailmi: Aw, now, Wydoncha. Modesty, hon' chil'.
 You: Modesty? I don't see why! Those are the biggest, the best...
 Nailmi: Now, Larry... lots of women in our work have 'em this big. In fact,
         some are even bigger!
 You: Is that possible? How do they stand up?
 Nailmi: Why, hair spray, darlin'.
 You: Wha?
 Wydoncha: Yeah. Mama & me is real proud of our boo-fants!
 You: Yeah, yeah. Your hair IS great.
 You think: Too!
<Hot Tub>
 You: I can't help but notice: you two seem to log a lot of hours in that hot
 Nailmi: Oh, yeah. Wydoncha and me just love these jacuzzis, don't we, hon'?
 Wydoncha: Oooh, yeah. And they're kinda necessary, doncha know? In our line of
           work, that is.
 You: Necessary?
 Wydoncha: Well, yeah. You can't remove this much make-up without steamin' it
           fer a couple hours.
 Nailmi: Wydoncha!
 Wydoncha: Once we stayed at this cheap hotel with Tammi Faye. Ya shoulda seen
           her! She went to their little coin op' sauna with a big bag of
           change and told the attendant, "Jes keep on feedin' them quarters
           'til ya see mascara run out under the door!"
 Nailmi: Wydoncha, hush! I'm sure Mr. Laffer isn't interested in our grooming
 Wydoncha: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 You: So, do you think the hot spotlights had anything to do with your little
      "problem," you know, at the prison show?
 Wydoncha: Hey, that's a thought.
 Nailmi: You know, that might have been. Stage lights can get awfully warm
 Wydoncha: I guess there's just no way o' knowin'.
<Persons Magazine>
 You: So was that article in Persons magazine accurate?
 Nailmi: It mighta been accurate, but it shore weren't flatterin'.
 Wydoncha: Yeah, we took a lotta heat over that lil' incident.
 Nailmi: Aw, honey. I don't like to talk about that.
 Wydoncha: Mama. What's he tryin' to say?
 Nailmi: You know, we've got a show to get ready for. We don't have time to
         talk about that.
 Wydoncha: I don't know what you're trying to say. But then, I'm not sure you
           do either!
 Nailmi: Huh?
 You: It's been nice chatting with you.
 Nailmi: Be sure you catch our show in the lounge tonight!
 Wydoncha: Ya'll come back now, hear!

                        Outdoor Decks                                G0813

  Narrator: Peggy is the ship's surly foul-mouthed deckhand. Heavily affected
            by a childhood spent watching too many pirate movies, she thinks
            she's a swashbuckler. She even had her peg leg rigged to accept
            multiple interchangeable janitorial attachments.

Promenade Deck:

<Fire Hose>
  Narrator: It's a hose, useful for putting out fires.
  *Larry takes hose*

<Fire Hose Cabinet>
  Narrator: A small sign reads, "Open only in the case of fire. CAUTION: alarm
            will sound!"
  Narrator: You don't need to break it open; it's not locked. But be careful --
            it may be alarmed.
  Narrator: No alarm sounds.
  You: Makes me wonder about all those times I didn't sneak into movie
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Narrator: You could remove the screws holding the hinges in place, but it
            might be easier just to open the damn thing!

<Hot Air Vent>
  Narrator: This vent is like Washington, D. C.
  You: Okay, I give. How is a vent like Washington, D. C.?
  Narrator: Did you notice its menu's title bar?

  Narrator: This railing keeps uncoordinated people from falling overboard. You
            should be happy it's there.

<Topiary Beaver>
  Narrator: Oh, boy! Another beaver joke. Let's see: have you heard the one
            about the two beavers who went bike riding?
  You: Oh, not again!
  Narrator: Oh, you've heard it.

<Topiary Fish>
  Narrator: This would be a perfect time to test your CyberSNIFF 2000 card!

<Topiary Goose>
  Narrator: Every fine ship has plants carved into the shape of animals. But, a

  Narrator: This wheel must do something, but you have no idea what.
  Narrator: OW! (Actually I rather enjoyed that.)

  Narrator: These windows let others see out, but prevent people like you from
            looking in.

Aft Deck:

<"Proud Lil' Seaman" Entrance>
  Narrator: Up this short ramp is the ship's nautically-themed ('though
            politically-incorrect) lounge, "The Proud Little Seaman!" At
            various times, it doubles as a meeting room, theater, bar and
            comedy club.

<Animal Topiary>
  Narrator: A one-eyed topiary weasel? Probably in show business.

<Gangplank Opening>
  Narrator: This is where you boarded the ship.
  You: Ah! So, if I want to leave, I could just walk out that way.
  Narrator: Yes, but keep in mind that the first step is a long way down... and
  You: Just the way I like it!

<Kitty Cat Topiary>
  Narrator: You've always had a weak spot in your heart for cute topiary

  Narrator: This railing runs around the entire ship and yet it never gets
            tired. Ugh.

<Thin Topiary>
  Narrator: Whoever heard of a topiary "Where's Dildo?"


  Narrator: The forecastle, known as the fo'c's'le in nautical circles, is the
            section on a ship's upper deck located forward of the foremast.
  You: Really? I figured Al Lowe just couldn't pass up the opportunity to use
       the word "fo'c's'le" in a sentence.
  Narrator: Well, yeah, there's that, too! Besides, how else could he write off
            his new yacht?

  Narrator: This railing runs around the entire ship and yet it never gets
            tired. Ugh.
 <Look over>
  You: If you look over this railing, you can see the nude sunbathers down by
       the pool.
  You: Oh my God. Nude Volleyball, Nude Roller Derby, Nude Lawn Darts, Nude
       Curling, Nude Caber Tossing, Nude Ferret Legging, even Nude Gerbil
       Colonics. I can't take any more!
  You: That was great, eh? Was it good for you too?

<Topiary Sheep>
  Narrator: The kumquat tree is an evergreen shrub, with beautiful sweet-
            scented white flowers, cultivated for its small, orange-yellow
            citrus fruit, which is commonly eaten fresh or in preserves... but
            rarely in quiche.
  Narrator: And this is the first one you've ever seen that's been sculpted
            into a sheep shape. Quickly! Repeat after me: sheep shape, sheep
            shape, sheep shape!
  Narrator: Ah. You snare a delicious kumquat from the tree. How you wish you
            had a "taste" icon so you could taste it. Hey, wait! With this new
            interface, you might!

<Topiary Screw>
  Narrator: All right. Who screwed up that plant?!

  Narrator: These windows look out, but you can't look in.

*Rod appears here randomly*
  Narrator: This handsome sailor entertains the many children on this cruise.
  Rod: It tastes like rubber!
  You think: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Rod: Hi, sailor! New in town?
  Rod: I've changed my mind. You don't get one!
  Rod: That's my job!
  Rod: It's my penis!
  Rod: I'd like that!
 <Give » Anything>
  Rod: That's not a balloon!
  You: What are you doing?
  Rod: Oh, I'm the handsome sailor who entertains the many children on this
  You: But I haven't seen a single child anywhere.
  Rod: That's because this game is too dirty for kids!
  You: So exactly what is it you do?
  Rod: Well, I can, uh, make balloon animals. Say! Do you want one?
  You: Not really.
  Rod: I'll consider that a "yes!" Here ya go!
  *random choice*
  You: But that doesn't look anything like that!
  Rod: Well... it does to me!
  You: You can keep it, okay?
  You: Uh...
  Rod: You ready for another?
  You: Sure.
  *random choice*
  *triggered when trying to leave the area?*
  Rod: Wait! I learned something new!
  You: Not again!
  *random choice*
  You: I just figured out why you're here.
  Rod: Oh, really?
  You: Yeah. You're only here to balance out the ratio of sexual organ
  Rod: Why, Larry -- that's so obvious, cheap, tawdry! Al Lowe would never
       stoop to that!
  You: That's what you think!
  You: Hey, I recognize you!
  Rod: Have we met?
  You: Yeah, you're that guy from the bar in Larry 1!
  Rod: Am not.
  You: Yeah, and you were that psycho barber on the airplane in Larry 2.
  Rod: Was not.
  You: And you were Chief Kenneewauwau on Nontoonyt Island in Larry 3.
  Rod: Was not.
  You: And you hid all the floppy disks from Larry 4!
  Rod: Did not.
  You: Yeah, and in Larry5 you were that geek on the boardwalk!
  Rod: Was not.
  You: Yeah, and in Larry6 you were in the pool, floating on that inflatable
       pussy. How was that?
  Rod: No. Not me. How about another balloon animal?
  You: Yeah. Whatever.
  *random choice*
*random choices for balloons*
  Rod: Look! It's Godzilla!
  Rod: Look! It's Mothra!
  Rod: Look! It's Tyrannosaurus Rex!
  Rod: Look! It's Manimal!
  Rod: Look! It's Flipper!
  Rod: Look! It's an American Eagle!
  Rod: Look! It's Reptilla!
  Rod: Look! It's a submarine!
  Rod: Look! It's an attacking bird!
  Rod: Look! It's a bunny rabbit!
  Rod: Look! It's a pterodactyl!
  Rod: Look! It's a bald eagle!
  Rod: Look! It's Hootie the Owl!
  You: But that doesn't look like that.
  Rod: It does to me!
  You: Ugh. You can keep it, okay?
*if more than two are picked then also this:*
  Rod: Look! They're fighting!

Talking To Peggy:
  Narrator: Peggy is the ship's surly foul-mouthed deckhand. Heavily affected
            by a childhood spent watching too many pirate movies, she thinks
            she's a swashbuckler. She even had her peg leg rigged to accept
            multiple interchangeable janitorial attachments.

<Peggy's Chest>
  Narrator: Al, I can't read that!  I have standards...

<Peggy's Eye>
  Narrator: Peggy's one good eye is more than enough.

<Peggy's Face>
  Narrator: Not many women are daring enough to go for that beard stubble look!

<Peggy's Hair?>
  Narrator: Does she have any?

<Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
 Peggy: I gotchur beaver cheese... right here!
<Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
 Peggy: Why don'cha milk on THESE fer a while?
<Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
 Peggy: Yeah. I read it. But it takes more than that to get this ol p***y off!
<Carving Knife>
 Peggy: You call that a knife? Hah! THIS is a F***ING knife! Nah, nah, nah,
        jes' kiddin'. Hey, hey, all right. Stop yur shakin'!
<Use » Deodorant Spray>
 Peggy: You tryin' to tell me I need a bath, Gerbil Nuts? Step closer. I'll
        give you a whiff of somethin' no deodorant can conquer!
<Use » Shaved Dice>
 Peggy: Shaved? Yep. And not that well. But, I'd still play ya. Ya wanna go a
        few rounds, over there behind the mizzenmast?
 You: Um, well, it's mighty tempting, but... no. Sorry.
<Use » Souvenir Dice>
 Peggy: S**t? You ain't very smart, are ya? These dice ain't even been sanded
        down yet!
<Use » Fire Hose>
 Peggy: I was wondering who stole my f**king fire hose! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
        Serves those b*****ds right at the headquarters. I told 'em some loser
        would steal them hoses. S**t. You passengers'll steal anything I don't
        nail down!
<Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
 Peggy: Yeah, that's purty. Here, let me wipe my stinkin' armpit with that. Ah.
        There. Here ya go.
 You think: Uuugh! A hair!
<Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
 Peggy: You pitiful excuse for a d***less wonder! Do I look like a woman who
        needs her meat heated?
<Use » Jumper Wire>
 Peggy: You poor little a*s licker. You don't have a clue what to do, do you?
<Use » Photo ID Keycard>
 Peggy: I already got a key to your room. And if you play your cards right, you
        might just win my little "Peg Man Trophy."
 You think: Luckily, I don't have a mantle to put it on!
<Use » Kumquats>
 Peggy: I wondered who was stealin' me f***in' kumquats! I oughta make you put
        that back. Or, maybe I should just make you stand here and suck it!
<Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
 Peggy: Did I ever tell you 'bout the time I got a severe infection from
        overusin' that stuff?
 You: No, I'm sure it's a heart-warming little story, but... don't!
<Use » Dirty Pictures>
 Peggy: Hey, did ja get any extra prints of this? Xqwzts is pretty good, ain't
<Use » Lime Juice>
 Peggy: Are you kiddin'? I'm sour enough without lime juice!
<Use » Treated Handkerchief>
 Peggy: What'ju put on this?
<Use » Magazine Page>
 Peggy: Don't read. Won't read. Can't read.
<Use » Custodial Key>
 Peggy: Say... where'd you get that? Is that what I think it is? You're not
        supposed to have that.
<Use » Mold>
 Peggy: S**t. I got better mold than this growing around me stump!
<Use » Wad o' Dough>
 Peggy: You can keep your f***ing money! I'll be damned if I sell out to the
        likes of you!
<Use » Mucilage>
 Peggy: I'm already sticky enough without this!
<Use » Orgasmic Powder>
 Peggy: I gave up this f***ing stuff when I realized I was snorting about a
        quart a day!
<Use » Passport>
 Peggy: That's nice. Why are you showing me, you dumb ass?!
<Use » Photo ID>
 Peggy: That looks like you. On a bad night. After you were sexually
<Use » Polyester Cloth>
 Peggy: Are you the asshole that cut that hole in the sail? Wait'll I tell
        Captain Thygh! She'll kick your nuts across the deck, once she cuts 'em
<Use » Pot>
 Peggy: You might as well steal everything from the kitchen. Those lazy
        assholes don't do s**t down there. Everything they serve comes in a
        can. Kinda like me.
<Use » Kumquat Quiche>
 Peggy: Ain't hungry.
<Use » Quiche de Larry>
 Peggy: Ain't hungry.
<Use » Remote Control>
 Peggy: You ain't got a clue, do ya?
<Use » TMT Scorecard>
 Peggy: Very impressive. Just about what I'd expect from a limp d**k like you!
<Use » Screwdriver>
 Peggy: That ain't my screwdriver, is it? I lost one a couple of days ago!
 You: Oh no, Miss Peggy. I found that on top of the sculptor's scaffold.
 Peggy: Yeah, it's too bad about that guy, ain't it? Found him floating behind
        the ship last night. Suicide note in his cabin said his whole life had
        turned to s**t. Seems like some a*shole f***ed up his life's work!
<Use » Silicone Lubricant>
 Peggy: Hey, squirt a little of that under me armpits, will ya? I'm having
        trouble with friction building up heat today!
<Use » Sticky Photograph>
 Peggy: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's so sticky. I love it!
<Use » Toilet Paper>
 Peggy: Hey! What are you trying to say? I look like an asshole?
<Use » Other>
 Peggy: What the hell are you trying to pull, dip-sh*t? You think I'm stupid or
        somethin'? I don't want that... or anything else you got to offer, you
        dumb son of a b***h!

<First Meeting>
 You: Excuse me, Ma'am. May I bother you for a moment?
 Peggy: This godd**n salt air is rusting me f***in' leg socket! Yeah, yeah. Who
        the hell are you?
 You: My name is Larry; Larry Laffer.
 Peggy: I'm Peggy. Did I mention this salt air is rustin'...
 You: Yeah, yeah. Ah, thanks.
 Peggy: Well, ya don't have to be so f***in' uppity!\
<Subsequent Meetings>
 You: Hello again, Miss Peggy.
 Peggy: Hello, s***head!
<Subsequent Meetings> (after winning best-dressed man competition)
 You: Hi, Miss Peggy. I'm back.
 Peggy: Well, look it you! Mr. High F***ing Fashion!
<Captain Thygh>
 You: Miss Peggy, tell me everything about the ship's mysterious Captain, would
 Peggy: Captain C***sucker, ya mean? That's what I call her. That f***ing
        wh*re. She just lays on her ass all day long. She has no morals at all.
        God, I envy her!
<Break room>
 You: Peggy, I've been in that employees' break room and I didn't see a soul.
      It was completely deserted, as if no one works on this ship.
 Peggy: S**t, nobody DOES but me! I hafta do everything around here. "Peggy.
        Swab the decks!" "Peggy. Weld the railing!" "Peggy! Hose off the
        Captain's rubber sheets!" S**t. Ain't nobody works like I do!!
 You: Very impressive... and colorful! But where's Xqwsts, if he's not in that
      break room?
 Peggy: Oh, the sneaky little b*****d's probably hidin' behind the locker bay.
        Didja look in there?
<Cabin boy>
 You: So, where can I find a cabin boy, Peggy? 
 Peggy: You stupid son of a b***h. Don'cha know you can never find a g****m
        cabin boy when you need 'em. S******t! I go lookin' fer one d***ed near
        every night, right before bed! And do I find one? Hell, no!
 You: Well, my needs are a bit simpler. I just want a favor.
 Peggy: Well, there is one sneaky-assed little foreign motherf***er always
        hidin' out down there in the employees' break room. Name of X-squats,
        or something like that, I don't know. Why don'cha try looking there?
 Thanks, Peggy. Good recommendation. I will.
 You: I can't get Xqwzts's locker open. Do you know the combination?
 Peggy: Sure, d***head. Why didn't ya ask me sooner? "38-24-36"
 You think: Seems so obvious.
 You: What was that combination again?
 Peggy: Oh, sure, you little f**king d**khead! Can't you remember anything?
       "38-24-36." Got it?
 You: Miss Peggy, can you help me with these competitions? 
 Peggy: Help you? Hell, no! It's guys like you that dribble all over the
        f***ing LoveMaster, and then, guess who has to clean all that s**t up?
        Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good ol' Peggy, that's who! S**t. I can't
        tell you how many times me peg leg's been stuck in that god d**n drain.
 You: Which locker is Xqwzts in?
 Peggy: Who am I? Rand f***in' Mac-Nally?! Find your own way, Columbus! But you
        can bet it opens from the bottom, 'cause he's a such a tiny little
 You: I know I'll regret this, but could you be a little more specific?
 Peggy: S**t. D'jur mother have any children that lived? Second locker, bottom
        row. Now beat it! And I don't mean your little weed whacker either!
<Peg leg>
 You: So how did you lose your leg, Peg?
 Peggy: Freak f***ing accident, that's how! One day, I inadvertently combined
        KZ Jelly with deodorant spray, forming a powerful contact explosive.
 You: Sexual lubricant? Deodorant spray? And you lost your leg?
 Peggy: Let's just say I wasn't sprayin' me f***ing arm pits, okay, a**hole?
 You: Ooooh. Okay. No more details, please!
<Pick up line>
 You think: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!!
<Peter the Purser>
 You: Miss Peggy, I need some help with Peter the purser.
 Peggy: Help? Ya, you'll need help awright, if he gets ahold o' your
        tallywhacker! Suck the chrome off a Peterbilt, that one would! Keep
        your skinny ass away from him, if ya know what's good fer you.
 You: Is it just me, or do you seem to swear a lot?
 Peggy: Swear? Hell no, motherf***er! I suffer from Cloret's!
 You: Clorets. Don't you mean, Tourette's?
 Peggy: No, ya dumb t**t! I mean I gotta FOUL mouth! HA, ha, ha, ha, ha!
 You: So, Miss Peggy, would you tell me about Xqwzts?
 Peggy: Cheap f***ing foreign b****rd. All his kinds wants to do is take jobs
        away from us real Americans!
 You: Miss Peggy, when was the last time you even saw America?
 Peggy: Nineteen seventy-f***in'-three! And what's it to ya, ya little
 You think: Ever regret asking a question?
 Peggy: 'Course, the j***-off's got one sneaky f***ing hobby!
<Xqwzts's hobby>
 You: What's Xqwzts' hobby?
 Peggy: Aye, that Xqwzts is perverse little motherf***er! Always sneakin'
        around the f***in' ship's secret passageways, spyin' on the f***in'
        payin' customers. That little b**tard.
 You: Is that legal?
 Peggy: You mean, is HE legal? Hell, no! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But that don't
        stop the little pr**k from doing it, does it now? I'd like to know what
        he does with all the film he shoots. Blackmail would be MY guess! Or
        maybe the alt-dot-pervert newsgroup!
<Xqwzts's needs>
 You: Is there anything Xqwzts needs? Something I could give him to gain his
 Peggy: Arrrrrgh! I dunno if he NEEDS anything. But I know what he wants... and
        it sure ain't a whiff of my crabby p***y!
<Xqwzts's wants>
 You: Is there anything Xqwzts wants?
 Peggy: Simple-minded little piece of s**t! Cain't ya figure anything out? He
        wants to get into the U. S. of A., all right? But he ain't got no
        f***ing chance, schmuck! 'Cause he ain't got no f***ing passport.
 You: Passport, eh? Well, that shouldn't so hard to find on a cruise ship.
 Peggy: You ARE one dumb son of a b***h, ain'cha? Don't you remember what
        happened to all the passports when you came aboard? Aw, no. Probably
        you were too busy sniffing them fine young officers, wasn't ya?
<Your name>
 You: I can see why they call you Peggy, Peggy.
 Peggy: Oh, can you, lame ass? It's because my f***ing mother named me
        Margaret, you stupid c***sucker!
 Peggy: I ain't got a f***ing clue!
 Peggy: For such a little dip, you sure got a big nose! Ya jes' gotta know
        everything, doncha? Well, I don't know nothin' about nothin' like that.
 Peggy: You think I got nothing better to do than answer your dumb-ass
        questions, ya piss ant?
 Peggy: I don't know s**t about that. But I do know this: your mother was a
        c**k-s***ing, ****-licking, ****-infested, s*******ic crack wh**e!
 Peggy: I got nothing to say about that. Now shove off, a*s wipe, unless you
        want to spend a little quality time scratching my st*mp!
 You: I'll see you around, Miss Peggy.
 Peggy: It's been my f***ing pleasure, ya p***k!

                        Clothing Optional Pool                       G0814

Changing Cabana:
<Cabana Roof>
  Narrator: You'd hardly think modesty would be necessary at a clothing-
            optional pool, but many of these people don't want to be seen
            undressing. Naked? Sure. But removing their clothing? Really!

  Narrator: Evidently, there's a strange collection of "characters" lying about
            at the nude pool.
  Narator: Get your hands off those clothes! They belong to famous Hollywood
           movie stars!

  Narrator: The cabana steward's name tag reads "Dick." How does he pin that
 <Talk> (random, in pairs)
  You: Hi ya, Dick. Waddaya got in the way of "trunks?"
  Dick: Yeah. Like I haven't heard THAT one before!
  You: Hi ya, Dick. Where's "ol Jumbo?"
  Dick: He ain't gonna be in this suit!
  You: Waddaya got that's long and hard, Dick?
  Dick: Isn't that like, uh... redundant?
  You: How's my little Dickie today?
  Dick: There's another joke that I am like, soooo sick of.
  You: All right. Lemme have it.
  Dick: I am getting very close!
 <Talk> (after winning best dressed competition)
  You: Hi, Dick.
  Dick: Whoa, man. I like never realized what a totally bitchin' dresser you
 <Use » Keycard>
  Dick: Whoa, Dude! I ain't that kinda guy!
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Dick: You ain't supposed to be swiping the fruit, are you?
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Dick: I used that stuff once, but I found it was easier just to like, switch
        girl friends!
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  Dick: Too bitter. Makes me pucker.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Dick: That's truly disgust-a-mundo.
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Dick: That looks like a key to the hold.
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Dick: Hey, whoa! Thanks, man! Big tipper!!>
  You: Wait a minute! I didn't mean to give you ALL my money.
  Dick: Sorry, dude. No refunds!
  You: Just like the government! Oh, never mind. I know where I can get more.
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Dick: Oh, no. I had some of that stuff in Dewmi Moore's room one night... and
        I just barely lived to regret it!
 <Use » Photo ID>
  Dick: You don't have much clothing on in that picture either.
 <Use » Polyester Cloth>
  Dick: Are you the guy that cut the hole in the sail? Captain's
        gonna kick your butt.
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Dick: No, thanks. I ate yesterday.
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Dick: No, thanks. I ate yesterday.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Dick: Whoa. I don't want that. That's YOUR contest, not mine. I won a few
        years ago, right before she hired me for this gig.
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Dick: Nice shot.
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Dick: Nice shot.
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Dick: Whoa, dude. Jus' 'cause ma name's Dick....
 <Use » *generic item response*>
  Dick: I don't want that. I want nothing. I have nothing. I'm content just to
        stand here in the fresh air and sunlight, passing out swimsuits.
  You: In other words: an executive position, huh?
  Dick: Pretty much!

*First time trying to enter the pool area*
 Dick: Hey! Sorry, dude. Ya gotta stop here.
 You: Why? What's wrong?
 Dick: You. You can't enter the pool like that.
 You: Like what?
 Dick: Like that. Ya know, dressed.
 You: Why not... dude?
 Dick: Safety reasons... dude.
 You: Fer sure. Safety reasons?
 Dick: Way. Fer sure. Purser's orders. That polyester fabric could ignite in
       this tropical sun. So... drop 'em!
 You: Well, I don't think I should enter naked. Everyone would, uh, stare at
      my, um, physical attributes!
 Dick: Yeah, fer sure.
 You: You know, uh, Dick, once I went into a restaurant that required a tie
      and, because of my personal aversion to owning anything other than
      leisure wear I've never had a tie, I...
 Dick: Sure, I got "courtesy loaners."
 You: Whew.
 Dick: This little dude right HERE is exactly what you need.
 You: Oh, great. Of course I couldn't get a "normal" swimsuit.
 Dick: Can I at least have a towel to cover it up?
 You: Fer sure. No problem, dude. Now don't get it wet... it might shrink!

*Trying to enter with the suitcase*
 Dick: Whoa! Sorry, dude. Ya gotta stop here.
 You: Like duh. What, again? Now what?
 Dick: You. You can not enter the pool like that.
 You: Like what?
 Dick: Like that. Ya know, carryin' a suitcase.
 You: Really? And why not?
 Dick: Purser's orders. Ya might change into your clothes or sumptin.
 You: Oh, all right. Can I leave it here? Will you keep an eye on it for me?
 Dick: Dude! Do I look like a check room? Oh, all right. Since it's you. Go on.
       Leave it. Ya want your "lil' buddy" again?
 You: I guess. I'm kinda gettin' used to it.
 Dick: Just so long as you don't let it "grow attached!"

*generic topic response*
 Dick: I really don't have anything to say about that. Or anything else.
 Dick: If you're looking for clues, you'll have to go elsewhere. 'Cause I don't
       have one. A clue, that is.

Clothing Optional Pool:
<First entering>
 You: *Sees naked Drew* Oh.
 You: Oops.
 Drew: Oh, I got sunscreen in my eyes. Boy! Oh, towel boy! I need a towel here,
       please. Quick.
 You think: Uh, boy.
 Drew: *Grabs Larry's towel* Oh, thank you! *Wipes eyes*
 Drew: *Sees elephant codpiece* Well, well. What have we here? Is that your
       trunk or are you just glad to see me? And what's YOUR name, little
 You: Larry; Larry Laffer. And you?
 Drew: Drew Baringmore. You know, I haven't seen a codpiece since I took
       Professor Lipkin's "Minor Playrights of the Late Elizabethan Period"
       during my sophomore year at Barnard. And I've never seen one with such a
       cute African influence! You know, I'm quite interested in history, but
       I'm essentially ignorant of anything past the tertiary-level African
       tribes. Could you share a little of its immediate history? Its regional
       influences? Its acquisition history?
 You: Uh, the cabana boy gave it to me 'cause I forgot my swimsuit.
 Drew: Oh.

<subsequential meetings>
 You: Hi, Drew. It's me, Larry.
 Drew: Oh, hi Larry. So, what's up? Other than the obvious!
 You: Hello, Drew. Working hard?
 Drew: That's funny, coming from a guy with an elephant codpiece!
 You: Hello again, Drew. 
 Drew: Oh, hi Larry. So, how's it trumpeting?
 You: Hey, Drew. I'm back again.
 Drew: Geez, Larry. I'm running out of elephant references!

  Narrator: Just what you like to see: clothes not on people.

<Drew's Book>
  Narrator: It's "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules." The guy on the cover
            makes Fabio look like a 98-pound weakling.
 <Take> (without having spoken to Drew first)
  Narrator: Well, Mr. Grabby, not much on manners, are we? Shouldn't we ask the
            lady's permission to borrow her reading matter, instead of just
            swiping it?
 <Take> (after Drew has left)
  Narrator: Just because Drew's not here, do you think you can just steal her
  You: Yes. See, my motto is: "If it's not nailed down, take it!" And it's
       served me well for years.
  Narrator: Okay. You got it!
  Narrator: It's so difficult to read, lying there on the table, closed. Of
            course, if you "took" it....

<Drew Baringmore>
  Narrator: There are few superlatives that could do justice to the innocent
            beauty of Drew Baringmore's naked form.
  You: How about: "She's all that and a side of fries?"
  Narrator: Well, yes. Maybe that one.
  Narrator: Oh, yeah, Larry. Climb aboard. She won't mind. Shmuck.
  You: What was that?
  Narrator: G' luck!
  You: Hmmm... yeah... maybe.
  Narrator: Quite the technique, Larry. A little conversation, and then BAM --
            go for the gold. Tsk.
  Narrator: Maybe not here in public. If you could get her someplace more
            private, though...

<Drew's Drink>
  Narrator: This is all that's left of Drew's Gigantic Erection.
  You think: Me too.

<Persons Magazine>
  Narrator: It's a copy of "Persons" magazine, with a big cover story on that
            hot mother-daughter country-western singing duo, the Juggs.
  You think: Let's check this out right now...
  Narrator: Here's an article about the country-western singing duo, the Juggs.
            It seems there was a little incident at a recent benefit concert
            where they were arrested and charged with public lewdness and
            solicitation. Their publicist blamed it all on a "rare chemical
            sensitivity problem." The article concludes by saying the girls are
            going to take a little time off, staying out of the limelight until
            the scandal dies down.
  You think: Celebrity magazines are so boring. I'll just leave it here.
  Narrator: It's so difficult to read, lying there on the table, closed. Of
  course, if you "took" it....

  Narrator: The pool is filled with frolicking naked young bodies.
            Unfortunately, this balcony is too high up to get a good view and
            the stairs down are nowhere to be seen.
  You: Why is that?
  Narrator: Oh, there's a good reason. You see, the plot doesn't require nude
            scenes from all those characters and Al Lowe would never include
            dozens of naked bodies merely for prurient interest.
  You: Oh. Say... is that the real reason?
  Narrator: No. Our budget was too low to animate all of it!

*unknown trigger?*
Waiter: Hey, Larry! Get outta the way!!
You: Huh? Who's yelling at me?

Talking To Drew:
<Drew's Body>
  Narrator: What? Oh, not now, Larry!

<Drew's Book>
  Narrator: Looks like Drew is reading "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules."
            That guy on the cover makes Fabio look like a 98-pound weakling.
  Narrator: It's so difficult to read, lying there on the table, closed. Of
            course, if you "took" it....
  Narrator: Well, Mr. Grabby, not much on manners, are we? Shouldn't we ask the
            lady's permission to borrow her reading matter, instead of just
            stealing it?

<Drew's Breasts>
  Narrator: This is your favorite part of the game, isn'tit?

<Drew's Drink>
  Narrator: This is all that's left of Drew's Gigantic Erection.
  You think: Me too.

<Drew's Face>
  Narrator: Drew's face is every bit the match for her body!

<Drew's Hair>
  Narrator: She could be a true blond, but with that computer there, who can

<Drew's Laptop>
  Narrator: Drew's laptop has a problem with overheating.
  You: It needs one of those new, low-voltage chips.
  Narrator: Who said the heat was coming from the COMPUTER?
  You: Want me to recharge your laptop?
  Drew: Oh, no, that's not necessary. I can still feel the juices flowing.
  You: Ohhhhh. Me too.
  You: Mind if I borrow your laptop to check my E-mail?
  Drew: Oh, I'm working off-line. I didn't even bring my cellular modem. You
        might say I'm "computing au natural."
  You think: No kidding!

<Drew's Legs>
  Narrator: If you couldn't plainly see, you'd swear Drew's legs go all the way
            to her shoulders!

<Pesky Branch>
  Narrator: If you'd just move over a little, that branch wouldn't be in the
  Narrator: The palm branch is quite strong. You'll never break it. You can't
            even move it!
  Narrator: You'd love to move the branch, but your heart couldn't take it!

  Narrator: Drew never computes without her SPF-300.
  You: Want me to rub some of that sunscreen on your back, Drew?
  Drew: No. I just applied some. Too bad you were late -- I had trouble getting
        it on the small of my back.
  You: Oooohhhh.
  Drew: What's wrong, Larry? Codpiece too tight?

<first meeting>
 Narrator: Now there's something you don't see every day.
 You: A beautiful woman dressed only in sunscreen?
 Narrator: No, a laptop computer that you can read in bright sunlight!

 Drew: This tropical sun is brutal. I hope you don't mind, but I need to spend
       a few minutes rubbing this sunscreen all over my naked body.
 You: Need help?
 Drew: No, but nice try.
 You: I really like the way it makes my skin glisten. The way it brings out the
      soft little hairs on the back of my neck, my arms, my...
 Drew: STOP! I can't take it!
 You: Aw. I didn't realize I was being "hard on" you.
 Drew: Ohhh.

*While close-up and Fokker conversations if easter egg not active*
 Drew: Excuse me! Could you look me in the eyes?
 You: Sorry.

<Drew orders a drink>
 Drew: Excuse me, Larry. Here comes a waiter. This'll just take a second.
       Waiter. Oh, waiter!
 Waiter: Hello, beautiful! What can I do for you?
 Drew: I want a "gigantic erection."
 Waiter: Looks like your little buddy there has got ya covered!
 Drew: What? I said, "bring me a gigantic erection!"
 Waiter: Well, okay, baby. I'm your man!
 Drew: Well, where is it?
 Waiter: I'm working on it. You mind moving that computer?
 Drew: Look. I want a mixed drink. A cocktail. You know, lime juice, 151-proof
       rum, vodka, triple sec, mayonnaise, with a hollowed-out frozen banana to
       suck through. You know: a "gigantic erection."
 Waiter: Oh. Okay, but it'll take a while, you know.

<Drew Baringmore>
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Drew: You're not doing so well, eh?
 <Use » Photo ID Keycard / Your Cabin Keycard>
  Drew: Your room? Can't. I'm all naked, and shipboard regulations strictly
        prohibit the passage of unsuitably clothed passengers through public
        areas of the ship. But then, you probably knew that.
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Drew: Well, I like the nudity... but who's that woman you're with?
 <Use » Mucilage>
  Drew: Sticky.
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Drew: No, I don't want to touch that. It would get my keyboard all sticky.
        But, you know... that is a flattering pose.
 <Use » Photo ID>
  Drew: Nice likeness.
 <Use » Passport>
  Drew: Leaving?
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Drew: Should I know what that opens?
 <Use » CodMaster 2000>
  Drew: That is SO you!
 <Use » "Prudish and Proud">
  Drew: No, I intensely dislike boredom and pretension.
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Drew: Oh, you can keep it. It wasn't that good. I found the plot development
        weak, the characters shallow, the overall structure entirely
        predictable. And besides, there's not enough dirty parts!
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Drew: My, Larry. What a long hose you have!
 <Use » Silicone Lubricant>
  Drew: Oh, I never use that for screen cleaner.
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Drew: Has my deodorant failed?
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Drew: It's hot enough out here without that.
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Drew: Sure. So?
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Drew: Ouch. That's as rough as a cob!
 <Use » Souvenir Dice>
  Drew: I don't gamble.
 <Use » Shaved Dice>
  Drew: I don't gamble.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Drew: Oh, I have no need for that. All I want to do is lie here, naked in the
        sunlight, waiting for inspiration to strike.
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  Drew: No, thanks. I've got a drink right here.
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Drew: Thanks. Let me just crack open its skin and suck the juices out from
        the firm flesh waiting inside. Ahh. That was refreshing. Thanks, Larry.
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Drew: Oh, no thanks. I don't do drugs. I prefer to live naturally.
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Drew: That's not a knife. THIS is a knife! Just kidding. Actually, this is my
 <Use » Polyester Cloth>
  Drew: I don't want anything to cover me. I prefer to let this fresh salt air
        blow right through the tiny soft little hairs all over my naked flesh.
  You: Ohhhh.
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Drew: Oh, sweetie, I never need that. When you're as young and nubile as I,
        lubrication comes quickly.
  You think: As do I!
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Drew: Thank you. May I use this to wipe off my screen? There. Thanks.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Drew: Ick.
 <Use » Life Insurance Policy>
  Drew: You're not selling insurance policies door to door, are you? Next,
        it'll be Amway!
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Drew: Oh, I have no need for money. I just charge everything to my room.
        That's one of the reasons I like this cruise line. I never have to mess
        around with money or those stupid little pop beads like some resorts I
        choose not to mention. Say, haven't you figured that out yet? How to
        charge everything to your room?
 <Use » Magazine Page>
  Drew: I already have something to read.
 <Use » Other>
  Drew: Why would you think I'd be interested in THAT?

 You: You don't have any clothing at all, do you, Drew?
 Drew: Of course not! I love nudism so much that just as soon as I board ship,
       I get rid of every single piece of pesky clothing.
 You: Good idea.
 Drew: And I force my cabin boy to lock up my suitcase someplace where I can't
       possibly find it so I can spend the entire week here by the pool, naked.
       I eat, sleep, sun, and swim here, never leaving the comfort of this
       chaise. It may not be an ideal vacation for everyone, but for me --
       well, it's what I love most!
 You: I think I'll have a drink myself. Oh, waiter. I want the same thing the
      lady ordered.
 Waiter: Nice suit.
 You: No, please bring me a "gigantic erection." 
 Waiter: Oh, that'll take a while for the bartender to fix. Wait right here.
<Your book>
 You: Drew, would you mind if I borrowed your book?
 Drew: Not at all. I've finished it. 
<Your book> (if not visited library yet)
 You: Drew, would you mind if I borrowed your book?
 Drew: Yes, I would. I'm only about halfway through and I just can't put it
       down. Hercules is about to reveal himself to the Sultan's harem.
 You: But you're working on your computer.
 Drew: Nope. Try me again later. When I've finished it.
 You: So, you recognized this as a codpiece?
 Drew: Of course. It's been a few years, but I believe my college text defined
       it as "a pouch at the crotch of the tight-fitting breeches worn by men
       in the 15th and 16th centuries." It's from the Middle English word,
       "codpece," a cod, a bag, a scrotum (which came from the Old English word
       "codd," meaning bag plus pece, meaning piece. Is that your
       understanding, Larry?
 You: Yeah. Thanks.
<Over exposure>
 You: Aren't you worried about over-exposure?
 Drew: Oh, no, not any more. Sure, once upon a time I had to limit my exposure,
       especially on a tropical cruise like this. But ever since I discovered
       this SPF-300, I have no problems at all. Every few minutes I carefully,
       slowly, thoroughly rub it over every single inch of my naked body.
 You: Ohhh.
 Drew: And, of course, my laptop computer here does offers some protection,
       although I do get a peculiar tan line.
 You: Oooohhh.
 Drew: Larry, is my nudity making you uncomfortable? Is this hard for you?
 You: No, it's been like this ever since I got here!
<Pick up line>
 You: Did I ever tell you I know Al Lowe personally?
 Drew: Who? Oh, I remember him! He came through here last November.
 You: Yeah, maybe.
 Drew: Not him, Larry. You!
<Gigantic Erection>
 You: I've never heard of a "Gigantic Erection."
 Drew: Oh, it's my favorite drink, Larry. Usually I suck it all down, then
       nibble for hours on its hard frozen banana.
 You: Ohhhhh, lordie lordie. Help me, lordie!
 You: I've always been very fond of that wonderful German inventer, Anton
      Fokker. Have you ever heard of him?
 Drew: Anton Fokker? But, of course. I wrote the book on him.
 You: So you HAVE heard of him.
 Drew: No, I mean I literally wrote the book on him. I'm the author of his
       best-selling biography. It's recognized everywhere as the classic
       treatise on the subject. I called it, "Fokker: More Than Just An
 You: Uh, yeah. I just love discussing historical aircraft designers.
 Drew: Me, too! You know, it's funny, Larry. It seems like these cruise ships
       are filled with phonies who just want to "bore me!"
 You think: I could see that.
 Drew: But it's wonderful to find a kindred spirit like you, someone interested
       in aviation history, particularly the airplanes of my dear sweet Anton.
<Anton Fokker>
 You: So you really know a lot about this guy, huh?
 Drew: Yes. "Fokker, Anton Herman Gerard, 1890-1939, Dutch-born German-American
       aircraft designer and aircraft manufacturer; born Java. His factories in
       Germany produced triplanes and biplanes used in World War I. He
       revolutionized aerial warfare by synchronizing a front-mounted machine
       gun to fire through the propeller of a plane without intercepting the
       blades (1915). He later turned to developing commercial aircraft and
       came to the U.S. in 1922."
 You: Wow. You really know a lot about those Fokkers!
<Anton's Fame>
 You: I've always felt Anton never received the recognition he so sorely
 Drew: Oh, you are knowledgable, aren't you, Larry? Yes, Anton was a wonderful
       inventor, a genius really, but he wasn't a brilliant businessman. It was
       his mother who really ran the company, you know. Yes, she was a tyrant
       who ruled with an iron fist!
 You: You mean... 
 Drew: Yes. She was one mean Mother Fokker!
 Narrator: I think we could ALL see that one coming!
<My place?>
 You: I would really enjoy having a more "in-depth" discussion with you, Drew.
 Drew: Really? Me too. In fact, I could Fokker all night long!
 You: That's pretty much what I was thinking! So, you wanna go back to my room
      to see my aircraft etchings?
 Drew: I'd love to.
 Drew: But I can't!
<You can't?>
 You: What do you mean, "you can't?"
 Drew: I can't, because, remember? I ordered the cabin boy to lock up my
       clothing for the duration of the cruise. And you know I just can't
       violate the ship's rules and walk brazenly, boldly naked through the
       clothing-required parts of the ship like some sort of exhibitionist.
       That would never do. No, I'll just have to stay here, lying here naked
       all night, the cool tropical breezes gently wafting across my bare
 You: Ouuuhh.
 Drew: I can't believe I've got to get a totally naked woman INTO her clothing!
 You: Say, Drew: do you have a joystick for your laptop?
 Drew: Why, no, Larry. No, I don't.
 You: Well, I've got a "Thrust-master!"
 You: I guess I don't have to tell you. I'm kind of a lonely guy.
 Drew: You look like the kind of guy who would be lonely.
<Suitcase> (before knowing about retrieving clothes)
 You: Do you have an old suitcase I could borrow?
 Drew: Why?
 You: Uh, I dunno. I don't know what the hell I was thinking!
<Suitcase> (after knowing about retrieving it)
 You: So you want me to bring you your suitcase?
 Drew: Damn, Larry. Buy yourself a ticket on the clue train!
<Suitcase> (after obtaining it)
 You: Drew! I've got your suitcase.
 Drew: Really? I don't see it.
 You: The attendant made me leave it in the changing cabana. Come on!
 Drew: But, Larry. This means I'll have to parade completely across the deck,
       totally, utterly nude, showing everyone here my tanned, fit, naked body!
       I like that!
 You: Ohhhh.
 You: Do you enjoy writing, Drew?
 Drew: Of course. It beats work!
 You: Drew, I'm gonna go now.
 Drew: Okay. Maybe we'll be seeing more of each other soon.
 You think: Like THAT's possible!
 Drew: Okay.
 Drew: No. That doesn't ring a bell.
 Drew: What? I'm afraid I can't help you on that, Larry.
 Drew: Huh? I don't know.
 Drew: Don't ask me about that, Larry. I just don't know what to say.
 Drew: Really? I suppose anything is possible.

                        Boning Suite                                 G0815

<Big Cloth-Covered Thing>
  Narrator: There's not a lot of light in here, but there appears to be one
            absolutely luscious body lying there on the bed, in the darkness,
            waiting for you.
  Narrator: It feels like a bed.
  Narrator: It smells faintly of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and

<Big Oblong Thing>
  Narrator: Big and oblong and wooden? Hard to say. Could be a packing crate,
            could be a coffin.

<Low Metal Thing>
  Narrator: It feels like a big mechanic's toolbox or maybe an ammo case.

  You think: Okay, baby; this is it!
  You: Oh, yeah.
  You: Oooh.
  You: Mnnnnmmm.
  You: Ahhhh.
  Mr. Boning: Ah. Ah. Uh. Oh.
  Mr. Boning: Arrrrgh!
  Annette thinks: What the...?
  You think: What the...?
  You: Annette?! ARRGGGH!!
  Annette: Larry, what are you doing?!
  Annette thinks: You weren't supposed to kill him yet!
  You: I... I thought you were...
  Annette: ...safely asleep next door. Yes, it's all becoming clear to me now.
  Annette thinks: A heart attack. No evidence. Very neat; but now I'M the
  You think: Geez, the old guy's one sound sleeper.
  You: Hey! Maybe we should go to your room and let this old geezer rest in
       peace, huh?
  Annette: Oh, I think this is exactly where you want to be.
  You think: Oh, no! She thinks I'm a homosexual!
  You: No, no. It's not like that at all!
  Annette: Drop the dumb act, pal. You had this planned all along.
  Annette thinks: But when does the other shoe drop? What's his game?
  You: Annette, you don't think...
  You think: ...I'm a homosexual?!
  Annette: Oh, yeah, I DO think.
  Annette thinks: You cold-hearted bastard! I guess we'll do it your way.
  Annette: Let's get this stuff out of here.
  You: Hey! My clothes!
  Annette thinks: Does he WANT evidence lying around?
  Annette: I think you'd better leave now, before you "help" me even more.

Boning Suite Exterior:

  Narrator: A tasteful gold nameplate above the button says "Boning."
  *Annette comes out*
 <Push> (if Annette is unavailable)
  Narrator: Looks like she's playing possum.
 <Push> (if late that evening)
  Narrator: Remember, Larry: she said she'd leave the door unlocked...
 <Push> (if Annette is unavailable)
  Narrator: Nothing happens. Guess no one's home.

  Narrator: This chandelier makes approximately the same decorating statement
            as a bunch of hundred dollar bills glued to a coat hanger.

<Plastic Breasts>
  Narrator: As fine an example of the sculptor's art as ever existed, don't you
  You: Ohhhhh, yeah.
  Narrator: They're just out of reach.
  You: Where's a stepladder when you need one?
  Narrator: And now the kinky side of your personality comes to the surface.
  You: I have another side?

<Plastic Bulge>
  Narrator: Checking out the old competition again?
  You: What? Me? No, I was just... admiring the workmanship.
  Narrator: Um humph.
  Narrator: If that's what you're looking for, Larry, you've bought the wrong

<Glass Door>
  Narrator: The door is locked up tight. It looks like Annette isn't interested
            in any more "surprises."
 <Look> (if late that evening)
  Narrator: It appears Annette has left her door unlocked... for you.
  You: All right! Now we're gettin' somewhere!
  Narrator: This door is stronger than it looks.
  Narrator: Yeah, great idea! And then you can break that solid steel inner
            door. Not!
 <Break> (if late that evening)
  Narrator: For heaven's sake, it's open! Just go on in.
  Narrator: It's locked.
 <Open> (if late that evening)

<Vault Door>
  Narrator: Like the outer door, it's locked up tight.
 <Look> (if late that evening)
  Narrator: The Bonings take their security seriously. Luckily for you, Annette
            left the door ajar.
  Narrator: Yeah, right.
 <Open> (if late that evening but glass door is still closed)
  Narrator: Why not open the outer door first?
 <Open> (if late that evening)

  Narrator: The maids are rather fetching, but those guys remind you of the
            bullies who used to kick sand in your face at the beach.
  You: What do you mean, "used to?"
  Narrator: Oh. Sorry.

Talking To Annette Boning:
 Narrator: Annette looks as mysterious and sultry as ever.
<Use » Carving Knife>
 You: Annette, I have a knife.
 *Annette sceams and runs off*
 You: Wait. Come back. I wasn't threatening you.
 You think: I was just wondering what I was supposed to do with this knife?
<Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
 You: I believe you dropped this. In my cabin.
 You think: Right after...
 Annette: Oh, keep it. I only use them once anyway.
<Use » Life Insurance Policy>
 You: I have something I believe you want.
 Annette thinks: Oh! That damn insurance policy! Now it's gonna cost me big
 Annette: Why, yes. I believe that IS mine. Thank you for returning it.
 You: Um, I was thinking, you know, ah, for something as, uh, special as this,
      don't you think, uh, a little extra thanks would be in order?
 You think: Like... sex?
 Annette: Oh, I don't think I have anything you'd want.
 You: Oh, I think you have PLENTY of what I want!
 Annette thinks: Think. Think! How am I gonna get rid of this schmuck?
 Annette: I just don't know.
 You: Waddaya say I come inside...
 You think: ...your vault!
 Annette: All right, Larry. I know what you want. And if I give it to you, I
          don't want to see you again, you understand. No more. That's it.
          We're through, capisce?
 You think: She wants me to have sex right now, and she DOESN'T want me to call
            her later? Oh! It's a dream come true!
 You: You're reading my mind, sweetcakes!
 Annette: Ugh. Okay, wait right here.
 You think: Man, a guy's got to jump through hoops just to get this chick in
 Annette: Okay, Larry. I don't keep much cash around, but this is worth a lot
          more than you deserve. Now amscray. Skeedaddle.
 You think: Huh? What's this? Half a billion dollars worth of stock? But I
            wanted to get laid!
<Use » Photo ID Keycard>
 Annette: I've already seen more than enough of THAT room!
<Use » Treated Handkerchief>
 Annette: Yuck. What have you done to my handkerchief? No, no. You keep it.
<Use » Wad o' Dough>
 Annette: As if.
<Use » Orgasmic Powder>
 Annette: Oh, I used to buy that stuff whenever I was in Tijuan... I mean,
<Use » TMT Scorecard>
 Annette: Ueew. You entered that? How gauche.
<Use » Toilet Paper>
 Annette: Oh, that's it! You did it!! That's exactly what I've been wanting
          from you all this time. Let's have sex, now and repeatedly!
 You: Really? With me?
 Annette: Hell, no, you idiot! You are SUCH a jerk!
<Use » Other>
 Annette: I don't think there's anything you could offer me that would interest
          me in the slightest.

<First Visit>
 Annette: Yes? Oh. It's you.
 Annette thinks: Uh, oh!
 Annetee: It's... good to see you again.
 You: Um, well, I was just wondering...
 You think: ...if there's any way I could get you in bed?
 You: ...if we could, uh, talk?
 Annette: I'm not sure what we have to talk about.
<Subsequent Visits>
 Annette: Yes? Oh. You again.
 Annette thinks: Stop bugging me!
 You: Yeah, I'm still around.
 You think: Yeah, I'm still horny!
 You: You know... about the other night... I just wanted to...
 You think: ...convince you I'm not gay. Personally.
 Annette: Look, you did what you had to do. But I don't want to talk about it,
 You: But... I... Well... Oh, all right.
<Old Mr. Boning>
 You: I haven't seen your "old friend" around lately. Is everything okay?
 Annette: Yes. Everything's fine.
 Annette thinks: Here it comes.
 You: I hope he's having a nice rest.
 You think: Gosh, does she have a great body, or what?
 Annette: Oh, he's "resting comfortably."
 Annette thinks: So, it's blackmail...
<Pick up line>
 You: So, baby: what's your sign?
 Annette: Octagonal.
 You: Huh?
 Annette: As in, "Stop!"
 You: I wonder if you have adequate insurance?
 Annette: Well, I think so. Why?
 Annette thinks: What is he driving at?
 You: Oh, nothing. A woman can never have too much insurance, that's what I
      always say!
 You think: Gawd, am I a doofus or what? Where's my suave charm when I need it?
 Annette: I don't know what you mean.
 Annette: What? Should I understand that?
 Annette: I don't know what you're talking about.
 Annette: You don't need to talk to me like that.
 Annette: Change the conversation, okay?
<Good Bye>
 You: It's been nice talking to you, I guess.
 Annette: Hmmmm.

                        Blind Dessert Tasting Test Room              G0816

Tasting Room (Dark):

<Big Round Thing>
  Narrator: It might be a table.

<Warm Body>
  A Woman: Hey, watch where you're grabbing!
  A Woman: Is there a dog in here?

<Warm Body>
  A Man: Whoa!
  A Man: All right! Who the hell just licked me?

<Warm Body>
  A Man: Hey!
  Narrator: You miscalculate and end up licking air.

<Warm Body>
  A Woman: I hope that's you, George.
  Narrator: You end up with a mouthful of whipped cream.
  You think: Wow, this is a great party!

<Squishy Stuff>
  Narrator: It feels like a big bunch of whipped cream.
  You think: Oooh, kinky! Ka-chunk, ka-chunk.
  Narrator: It is, in fact, whipped cream.
  You think: Oooh, kinky!

<Sticky Stuff>
  Narrator: It's some kind of sticky substance.
  You think: Boy, these guys sure know how to party!
  Narrator: Are you sure you want to lick that, Larry?
  Narrator: On second thought, don't answer.
  You think: Tastes a little like chicken.

<Blind Dessert Taste Test>
 *random sounds*
 A Man: Yes.
 A Man: Oh.
 A Man: Oh, God!
 A Man: Um, that is beautiful!
 A Man: More. More!
 A Man: Um. Perfect-o!
 A Man: Hey, baby; take a bite of this!
 A Man: I don't think I can take another!
 A Man: Ohhh.
 A Man: It's all creamy inside!
 A Woman: Oh, God!
 A Woman: Oooh, let me lick that!
 A Woman: Oh, that's great!
 A Woman: More. More!
 A Woman: Perfect!
 A Woman: You'll like this; it's covered with whipped cream!
 A Woman: I'm not sure I can resist; oh, what the hell!
 A Woman: More. I want more!
 A Woman: Ohhh.
 A Woman: I want it all!
 *Larry joins*
 You think: Hey! I don't want to be left out of this!
 You: Okay, girls! Who wants me first? 
 Crowd: Gasp!
 You: Don't all come at once (heh, heh, heh).
 A Man: What the hell did you say?
 A Man: Turn on the light!
 Crowd: Gasp!
 You think: Blind Dessert Taste Test? Whew! That was close.
 You: It's nice to see the sight-challenged having a good time!
 Crowd: Get him! Grab him! After him!
 A Man: Idiot!
 A Man: Fool!
 A Man: Miniaturist!
 You: Ouf!

Tasting Room (Light):

<Air Vent>
  Narrator: You vividly remember crawling through that vent when you entered
            this room in the dark.
  Narrator: You have no need to return to Xqwzts's chamber THAT way.

<Buffet Table>
  Narrator: There's nothing on the table but crumbs, flecks of whipped cream,
            and little plastic surfers.
  You: You mean...
  Narrator: Yes. The dessert tasting is deserted.
  You: *groan*
  Narrator: This entire area smells of chocolate.

  Narrator: It's amazing what can be done with injection molding.

<Chair> (Annette's chair)
  *closeup of Annette's chair* *triggers Cybersniff 2000 #4*
  Narrator: It smells faintly of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and

<Melted Moose>
  Narrator: The remains of the chocolate moose form a small sticky pile in the
            center of the table.
 <Smell> *triggers Cybersniff 2000 #9*
  Narrator: This entire room smells of chocolate.
  Narrator: You'd better watch out, Larry. Eat too much chocolate and you'll
            have to work out in your next game, like you did in "Leisure Suit
            Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals,"
            available wherever software walks and money talks.
  Narrator: You'd better watch out, Larry. Eat too much chocolate and you'll
            have to work out in your next game, like you did in "Leisure Suit
            Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals,"
            available wherever software walks and money talks.

<Potted Palm>
  Narrator: The CyberPalm 2000 is not a real palm tree, merely an incredible

<Sneeze Guard>
  Narrator: The sneeze guard is an indispensible feature of the modern buffet's
            serviceless service.
  You: Ah-choo!
  Narrator: You've always wanted to do that, haven't you?

  Narrator: This table won a design competition in the category: "Best
            Furniture in the Shape of a Tropical Island."

Annette's Chair:

<Chair Seat>
  Narrator: This is the very chair your perfumed friend occupied when you made
            your foolish... uh, when you were last here.
  Narrator: Oh, please. Even Al Lowe has SOME standards!

<Folded Paper>
  Narrator: There's a sheaf of folded papers here.
  *Larry takes paper and game returns to the main view*

                        The Heaving Ho'                              G0817

<A Door>
  Narrator: There are some signs near that door and more signs on it.
 <Look> (after climbing through vent)
  Narrator: Now you know: that door hid the Blind Dessert Tasting. And now it's
            wide open.
  Narrator: Wow.
  You: This ship has everything!
 <Listen> (after climbing through vent)
  Narrator: Not a sound comes from the Dessert Tasting now.
  Narrator: This door is locked.
  Narrator: There are several small signs on the door: "Closed to the public!"
            "Do Not Enter" "Members Only!" "18 and older only!"
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Narrator: This door doesn't have a key hole!

<Bean Dip>
  Narrator: A large container of bean dip graces the buffet table.
  You think: Mmmm. Bean dip!
  Narrator: And it's "all you can eat!"
  You think: Mmmm. I love bean dip!
  Narrator: Just because it's "all you can eat" doesn't mean you're obligated
            to make yourself sick!
  You think: Why not?
 <Eat> (second time)
  Narrator: You know, Larry, they only put 239 beans in that bowl of dip.
  You: Oh, really? Why?
  Narrator: Because any more and it would be "too farty!"
  You: That sounds like a Mark Seibert joke!

  Narrator: A wide variety of delicious foods has been prepared for all but the
            lowest-class passengers.
  You: Which means me, right?
  Narrator: You're not as dumb as you used to be.
  You: Thanks. Uh, hey?
  Narrator: Sorry. You prefer to take all your meals in your room.
  You: I do not!
  Narrator: You do compared to some burly seaman busting your chops for swiping
            food from this buffet!
  You: Ulp. You gotta point.

  Narrator: Cute decor, eh?

<Cheese Dip>
  You: Hey, look! Mexican Cheese Dip!
  Narrator: You can't take that!
  You: Why not?
  Narrator: 'Cause that's "nacho" cheese!
  You: Ooooh.
  Narrator: You can't take that!

<Cous Cous>
  Narrator: You've never tasted a cranberry-banana squash cous cous you didn't
  You: I've never tasted any!
  Narrator: And that's the way it's going to stay!

<Dining Tables>
  Narrator: Many of the upperclass passengers are enjoying a delicious buffet
            meal right now.
  Narrator: Burly sailors from throughout the ship are just waiting for a
            chance to enforce this dining room's new "No Dweebs" policy!

<Drink Station>
  Narrator: Look! It's all you can drink! And free, too!
  You: You're just saying that so I'll drink and drink and drink and then I'll
       have to go pee a lot, aren't you?
  Narrator: Yeah. Isn't that why you spend so long alone in the bathroom?
  You: Uh... no.

<Electric Uvula>
  Narrator: Once your uvula was red and inflamed, but then you had it whacked
  You: Yeah, but at least I don't snore anymore!
  Narrator: Yes, but you don't snore any less, either!

<Greek Salad>
  Narrator: The PMS Bouncy is pleased to offer fresh salad every day, even when
            they're at sea.
  You: How do they do that?
  Narrator: Simple. The get the greens by snipping the sheep topiary on the top
  You: Oh. Greek salad!

<Hot Meat>
  Narrator: That's a special table serving hot meat.
 <Look> (while Wang is away)
  Narrator: The hot meat serving station is presently unattended.

<Ice Sculpture>
  Narrator: This ice sculpture of Captain Thygh as a mermaid is incredibly
            detailed... right down to her drippings.
  You: Ouuuuhhh.
  You: Hey. My tongue's stuck! Help! Help!! Ah. That wasn't worth it.

<Lima Beans>
  Narrator: Ah, lima bean uh, curd, ah, sauce, ...paste.

<Meat Carver>
  *Closeup of Wang*

<Meat Loaf>
  Narrator: Green has always been your least favorite color of meat loaf.

  You: Oh my gawd!
  Narrator: No, Larry! It's not what you think. Those are slender mushrooms,
            imported directly from the Klahanie mushroom cellars of Issaquah,
  You: Oh, good! I was afraid they were turnips!

  Narrator: There are some large posters are either side of that door.
  Narrator: Impressive promotional announcements the size of movie posters are
            hung on both sides of the door. They read:
  Narrator: "Totally decadent! I was stunned!"
  Narrator: "I found myself in a sensuous frenzy!"
  Narrator: "an erotic ecstasy..."
  Narrator: "...even better than Cats!"

<Yogurt Delight>
  Narrator: Ummmm. Just what you've been waiting for: broccoli yogurt with
            "tripe on the bottom!" From the people who brought you "s'Pork!"
  You: I'll keep waiting!

Meat Serving Station:
<Carving Knife>
  Narrator: This carving knife is extremely sharp, but it won't be sharp for
            long if Wang keeps using it to cut open his s'Pork cans!
  Narrator: Sharp! Slimy, but sharp!
  Wang: What?! Whoaa! Keep hands away. Knife sharp. My knife!  Use knife make
       living, Joe! You no take knife.
 <Take> (after Wang has left)
  You: Since Wang's not looking, I may as well steal his knife.
  Narrator: Now that's logic!

<Heat Lamp>
  Narrator: This powerful heat lamp slowly blackens the outside of the s'Pork,
            generating a pungent acrid stench, distracting diners from the
            s'Pork's normal pungent acrid stench.
  You: Ouch! Hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
  Wang: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep hands off. You burn self,
 <Turn off>
  Narrator: The heat lamp's turn offs are bad hair days, and men who take too
 <Turn on>
  You: Oh, baby. In this light, you look SO good....
  Narrator: The lamp is already "turned on!"
 <Take> (after Wang has left)
  Narrator: Okay, but first you'd better let it cool. Okay, now.
  You: Ow! Oh! Uch! Ouch! Ulp! Ahnt! Hot hot hot hot hot!
  Narrator: In a masochistic, self-abusive sort of way you rather enjoyed that.

<Mystery Meat>
  You: Is it safe to let your meat hang that way?
  Narrator: Yours is... oh, never mind.
  You: Yeah. Too easy, huh?
  Narrator: Good idea. They're quite hot!
  Narrator: No one would eat those, if they knew how they were made.
  You: So, please. Don't tell me!
  Narrator: No. You're still not going to get any!
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: No one would eat those, if they knew how they were made.
  Narrator: You ARE sick!

  Narrator: It's beneath the sneezeguard, and contempt.
  You: I think I'll have a hunk of your s'Pork.
  You think: This stuff is great! It's kinda like Spam, only not so expensive!
 <Take> (after Wang has left)
  Narrator: I think I'll have a hunk of your s'Pork.
  You: You mean, I'm full?
  Narrator: No, you've eaten all the s'Pork there is!
  You: Oh. *Burp* Good.

  Narrator: This glass is called a sneezeguard, although you can't imagine why.
  You: Ah-choo! *chunks splatter on the sneezeguard*
  You: Oh, now I get it!

  Narrator: Wang is the PMS Bouncy's chief serving boy.
 <Use> *generic answers*
  Wang: Don't give nothing Wang. Wang here for s'Pork joke only.
  Wang: No need give Wang nothing. Leave your Wang alone!
  Wang: No, no, no, no, no, no. Give me nothing. Not deserving. Find big bust
        girl. Give her. She plenty good.
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  You think: No, I'd better not. Why take a chance on losing my knife?
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  You think: He may have noticed this was missing. Better not take any
 <Use » Keycard>
  Wang: Oh, I.D. not necessary, boss. Everybody can eat s'Pork free!
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Wang: Food go over there. Not here. Hot dishes here.
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Wang: Good. Fruity. You like?
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Wang: Put the jelly on the bread station.
 <Use » Mold>
  Wang: Wang had penicillin shot just before boarding ship!
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  Wang: Lime juice not good on s'Pork!
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Wang: Oh. My. Could improve flavor of s'Pork, though.
 <Use » Passport>
  Wang: Wang legal. No need passport. (Not like SOME people 'round here!)
 <Use » Pot>
  Wang: Got plenty pots in kitchen. Say... that pot from kitchen?
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Wang: Food go over there. Not here. Hot dishes here.
 <Use » Salt>
  Wang: No salt necessary. s'Pork salty already!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard
  Wang: You big loser, eh?
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Wang: Well, now THAT'S an attractive preparation. Me Mother used to make
        that, bless her soul and garters.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Wang: You ARE quite the connoisseur, aren't you?
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Wang: No tip Wang.
  You: You mean you wouldn't accept my money, even if I insist?
  Wang: No. Wang was refering to an old hunting injury!
 <Talk> (first time, same as taking s'Pork)
  You: What are you serving?
  Wang: We got s'Pork. Very best. You like. OK?
  You: Pork? Yeah, that sounds good.
  Wang: Jesus Mary and Joseph in a tiny canoe, are you deaf? It's S'PORK.
  You: I heard you the first time. I'll take one serving, please.
  Wang: You got it, boss. No complain later, okee-dokee?
  You: My God, what IS that?
  Wang: Like I've been tryin' ta tell you, it's S'PORK!
  You: Ooohhh, the processed potted meat food product that tastes "as fresh as
       home-slaughtered." Just like Mom used to butcher.
  Wang: Very good, boss. Now, you go.
  You: Hey, what's with the accent?
  Wang: Ah... I knew I coul'na keep it up. I'm Chinese, ya see, but me parents
        were Buddhist missionaries, so I grew up in Ireland. People stare when
        I speak normally like this. So I've found it simpler just to sound like
        some bad Charlie Chan impersonator: Too much talk. More people need
        s'Pork. Ya see?
  You: Dang, Wang. That s'Pork IS tasty. How 'bout some more?
  Wang: Mmmmmm. s'Pork good, huh?
  You: Now be sure not to exceed the maximum daily allowance. Those warnings
       are on the can for a reason, y'know.
  *when s'Pork is all gone*
  Wang: Oh, no! Not enough s'Pork! Must get more. No touchy!
 <Talk> (after winning best dressed man competition?)
  You: Hello, Wang.
  Wang: Hello. Custom made suit? Very fine. New?

                        Das Grande Atriumo                           G0818

  Narrator: Now that's one great looking bush!

<Champagne Pool>
  Narrator: Isn't a reflecting pool filled with chilled Champagne in the middle
            of a cruise ship one of the signs of the apocalypse?
  Narrator: Sure, you'd like to. But you can't from here.
  You: Aw, man. And with that color, nobody'd ever know!

  Narrator: Strange. But these columns remind you of something.

<Giant Lava Lamp> (sometimes does not appear)
  Narrator: Isn't that just about the worst thing you've ever seen?!

<House Phone>
  Narrator: The white courtesy telephone is here for the convenience of the

<Important Button>
  Narrator: This button is clearly labeled, "Do not touch!" So naturally your
            curiosity is piqued.
  Narrator: Are you sure? Okay...

<Lefty's Piano>
  Narrator: Think what they must have paid to get a left-handed piano custom-
            built for their left-handed piano player!
  Narrator: When Lefty plays piano, it sounds like a jazz combo!
  Narrator: When Lefty takes a break, his pecker entertains the crowds.

<Library Entrance>
  Narrator: This is the entrance to the ship's library.

<Other Decks>
  Narrator: Those decks are reserved for "Leisure Suit Larry 8: Lust in Space!"
            Don't try going there THIS game.

<Peter the Purser>
  Narrator: Peter, the ship's purser, resides behind this counter, ever eager
            for another opportunity to do whatever he can to help his

<Purser's Desk>
  Narrator: The Purser's Desk has a beautiful aquarium built into it; but
            what's that scuba diver doing in there?!
  Narrator: How you love the aroma of old fish tanks.

  Narrator: Strange, but now you have to go.
  You: You mean, leave this area?
  Narrator: No.
  You: Oh.
  Narrator: Sure, you'd like to. But you can't from here.

                        Purser's Desk M.S.                           G0819

*Start of the cruise*
 Peter: Here's your keycard, Mr. Laffer. There's been a slight problem with
        your room.
 You: I kinda expected that.
 Peter: Oh, not to worry. I took the liberty of substituting our largest cabin.
        You'll have plenty of room.
 You: Wow. That's super! Thanks. Now where would my room be?
 Peter: Oh, just check the map. You're in Room Zero.

<Ship's Announcer>
  Narrator: The woman behind the Purser's Desk seems rather bored, except when
            she uses her airport PA announcer's voice. 
 *random announcements*
  Ship's Announcer: Bowling balls may not be removed from the bowling
                    competition area.
  Ship's Announcer: Dice may not be removed from the craps table area.
  Ship's Announcer: Horseshoes may not be removed from the horseshoe
                    competition area.
  Ship's Announcer: Please deposit one dollar and 75 cents for each additional
  Ship's Announcer: The white courtesy zones are for loading and unloading

<LND Button>
  Narrator: This button displays the Last Number Dialed on the telephone's
            liquid crystal display.

<Purser's Phone>
 <Look> *first time, switches to close-up afterwards*
  Narrator: Purser Peter places 'portant people's pertinent phone calls and
            patches perturbed passengers' phone problems via this phone.
 <Look> *from close-up view*
  Narrator: The purser's telephone is a standard office model, complete with L-
            C-D and L-N-D.
  You: What does that mean?
  Narrator: A "liquid crystal display" and a "last number dialed" button. You
            aren't good with T-L-As!
  You: (I'm better with T and A!) T-L-A's?
  Narrator: Three Letter Abbreviations.
  Narrator: You don't really want to use this phone to make a call. You could
            get caught.
  Narrator: Good idea. That will tell you the last number the Purser dialed.
  You: Hell? Wow. He must be calling my Internet provider!
  Narrator: That's 1134, Larry! You're reading it upside-down!
  You: Oh. Yeah. I knew that.
 <Redial> *after calling to/connecting with Boning*
  Narrator: Good idea.
  You: GO OIL? Yeah, that's real helpful. What in the hell good does THAT do
  Narrator: Larry, the phone's upside-down!
  You: And your point is...
  Narrator: That's 71009. The Boning's phone number is 7, 1, oh, oh, 9.
  You: I knew that.
  Narrator: The 7 indicates a guest room on this ship. 1009 is their room
  You: Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that COULD be helpful.
 <Redial> *after finding out Boning room number*
  Narrator: You already did that. They're in room 1009!
  You: Geez. Grouch!

<White Courtesy Telephone>
  Narrator: This telephone will connect you to anywhere on the ship... as long
            as you go through the Purser first.
  Narrator: There is no dial on this telephone. As soon as you pick it up, it
            rings the Purser's Desk.

Talking on Courtesy Phone:

<Generic response>
 Narrator: Perhaps you should ask the purser that... in person.
<Annette Boning>
 Peter: Purser's Desk. What do you want?
 You: Yes. May I please have the Boning cabin?
 Peter: Connecting...
 Mr. Boning: Hello.
 You: Hello. Are you Boning?
 Mr. Boning: We were... `til this damn phone rang!
<Annette Boning> *second time*
 Peter: Purser's Desk. Now what?
 You: May I please have the Boning cabin?
 Peter: Connecting...
 Mr. Boning: Hello.
 You: Hello. May I speak with the lady of the cabin?
 Mr. Boning: Look, sonny: you either stop calling or I'll have your ass thrown
<Photo ID>
 Peter: Purser's Desk. Now what?
 You: Is there anywhere aboard ship where I could have a photo ID made?
 Peter: Nice try, sweetie.
 Peter: Purser's Desk. Is this really important?
 You: This is Agent Fritzlin with the SBI. Are you in charge?
 Peter: Course I'm in charge. What the hell is the SBI?
 You: Course I'm in charge. What the hell is the SBI?
 Peter: Shipboard Bureau of Investigation. We're looking for the passport of
        one... Laffer. Larry Laffer. Now listen carefully. Are you listening?
 You: Shipboard Bureau of Investigation. We're looking for the passport of
      one... Laffer. Larry Laffer. Now listen carefully. Are you listening?
 Peter: What?
 You: Dammit man, pay attention! Laffer. Larry Laffer. Retrieve his passport
      from the ship's safe, place it in a plain brown manila envelope, seal it
      carefully, place a small pencil mark across the seal and leave it on the
      corner of your desk. Then leave your station and wait out of sight. One
      of my men will walk by in exactly 11 minutes. Synchronize watches on my
      mark: 5, 4,
 Peter: Oh, just... right. I know who you are, okay? And I never, ever give up. 
 You: 3, 2,
 Peter: Nothing, do you understand!? You people lurk everywhere!  
 You: 2, 1. Zero.
 Peter: Purser's Desk. It's your quarter.
 You: Could you page someone for me?
 Peter: If I must. The name?
 You: Mr. Maweeney.
 Peter: I'm sorry, we have no one aboard by that name.
 You: First name of Adolf. Oh. Humph. Ruined a good joke.
 Peter: Purser's Desk. 
 You: Hello. Could you page someone for me?
 Peter: Oh all right. The party?
 You: Miss Huginkiss.
 Peter: We have no one aboard by that name.
 You: First name, Amanda. Oh. I hate that.
 Peter: Purser's Desk.
 You: Hi. Is there a bowling alley aboard ship?
 Peter: Course, there is. This is a luxury liner!
 You: Oh. Do you have luxurious, 10-pound balls?
 Peter: Of course and I also have an upright pin!
 You: Yeah, well then how can you walk straight... oh.
 Peter: Purser's Desk, where we have absolutely nothing to do and do it
 You: Hello. Yes. Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
 Peter: No, we don't.
 You: Well, let him out! Oh.
 Peter: Purser's Desk.
 You: Is your refrigerator running?
 Peter: No. The ship cools everything with iceberg chips.
 You: Well, why don't you... Oh.
 Peter: Purser's Desk.
 You: Hello. Could you page someone for me?
 Peter: If I must. The party?
 You: Mr. Butts.
 Peter: Nice try, sweetie.
 You: His first name is Seymour. Oh.

<Purser Peter>
  Narrator: The Ship's Purser is a paranoid, ultra-suspicious, conspiracy
            theory expounding, over-the-top, gay bureaucrat, stationed here off
            the main lobby.
  Narrator: Oh, you bought the wrong game. You're looking for "Leisure Suit
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard>
  Peter: Yes, this IS the card I gave you. Use it to unlock your cabin door...
         but don't use it on ME!
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard> *once needing a Photo ID*
  You: Could I use this as an ID?
  Peter: Does it have your photo on it?
  You: Um... no.
  Peter: Then it's not a photo ID, Einstein.
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Peter: Is that my tube? No, too little.
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Peter: Oh! Not me!
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Peter: Oh, don't you threaten me! You hear me? I have friends. And they know
         where you sleep at night, honey.
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Peter: How gauche!
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Peter: Eiuuu! Bar-be-que? Not moi.
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Peter: You take that right back where you got it before I call security,
         little man. And I don't want to ever hear of you stealing ship's
         possessions again!
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Peter: Nice. Silky. But I shan't accept gifts from you.
<Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Peter: Wouldn't be easier just to lie out in the sun by the nude pool?
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Peter: Don't you just love the name? Come. Quat. It's what I named my
  You: Kumquat?
  Peter: No, silly. That would be redundant. Just "Quat."
  You: Let me guess...
  Peter: ...when I call him, I feel fruity all over!
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Peter: Oh, I like it. May I keep a copy? Or, better yet, let me scan it and
        upload it into my Web Page!
  You: Eoow! Gag me with a spoon.
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  Peter: Don't think I'm not onto you. I heard about your lime juice alteration
         experiments when I visited Roswell.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Peter: Oh, I've got a drawer full of these!
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  You think: I'd better not. What if he takes it away from me?
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Peter: No. I'll never take money from the likes of you! Do you hear me?!
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Peter: I gave this up a few years back.
 <Use » Passport>
  Peter: Would you like me to lock that up for you in our vault?
  You: No. In fact, hell no!
 <Use » Magazine Page>
  Peter: No, thanks. I'll stick to GQ.
<Use » Polyester Cloth>
  Peter: Oh, my. That's so... so... 70's!
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Peter: Real men may not eat that, but I sure wouldn't mind taking a nibble!
 <Use » Quiche de Larry
  Peter: Real men may not eat that, but I sure wouldn't mind taking a nibble!
 <Use » Remote Control>
  Peter: There's not even a "remote" possibility I could help you out with that
         thing. What is it?
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Peter: This photograph is all sticky. Do you want me to throw it away?
  You: Oh, no. I'll keep it.
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Peter: Complaining to me about the quality of this will do you no good. In
         fact, I rather like its coarse nature, its rough-hewn naturalism,
  You: Never mind!
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  You: Do you know how to turn beaver milk into beaver cheese?
  Peter: You are one sick puppy, do you know that? Your CIA mind control tricks
         will not work on me! I'm on to you, like white on rice.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  You: Say, do you know where I could find a recipe using beaver cheese?
  Peter: You are so sick. You think I don't know what you're up to? Well, you
        just go back and tell your buddies we know all about it!
 <Use » Life Insurance Policy>
  Peter: Would you like to me place this in our "Lost and Found?"
  You: Uh, no thanks. I'll just keep looking for its owner.
  Peter: As you wish. But you'll never get her room number out of me!
 <Use » Photo ID>
  You: I'd like my passport, please.
  Peter: What for? You have no need for it here aboard ship.
  You: Look, here's my photo ID. That's what you said you needed, right? Now be
       a nice little puckered pandering purser and procure my passport. PRONTO!
  Peter: Yes, sir! Bitch!
  You: Here you are. Do not lose it! There are many nafarious types roaming
       this ship, all of them mooching ill-gotten booty such as this from our
       unsuspecting guileless guests.
  Peter: I doubt that. You're just paranoid.
  You: Oh, thank you, sir. We ranking officers can never get enough insults
       from lowly passenger scum.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Peter: May I hurt you?
  You: What did you say?
  Peter: May I help you? What did you think I said?
  You: Oh, it doesn't matter.
  Peter: You've got THAT right. So, you gonna ask your stupid question, or
         shall we continue exchanging banalities?
  You: Peter... (And may I call you Pete?), you've got an attitude problem,
       don't you?
  Peter: Peter will be fine. And that's totally uncalled for. In fact, you are
         uncalled for!
  You: What?
  Peter: I said, you have no phone messages. What did you think?
  You: Hmm. Look: I just want to know one thing.
  Peter: Yeah, THIS time.
  You: Did you say something?
  Peter: Who, moi? No. Please continue. This is SO fascinating.
  You: I forgot what I was asking about.
  Peter: There's a blessing.
  You: Oh, now I remember.
  Peter: Great. I can't wait.
  You: Yeah, uh, Pete, you know that scorecard you gave us at the meeting?
  Peter: Peter. Yes.
  You: What do I do with that?
  Peter: Holy Merde. That's how you trigger the various contests, sweetheart.
         Give it to the judge, or insert it into the machine (slowly), or scan
         it with the scanner. As if it'll make any difference!
  You: What?
  Peter: Good luck. And please let me know when you'd like to interrupt my busy
         day again.
<Use » Other>
 Peter: Are you trying to trick me? Did you think I'd fall for THAT?! Hah! I'm
        on to you!

Talking to Peter:
<Captain Thygh>
 You: I'm really looking forward to meeting Captain Thygh. Will she be holding
      some sort of formal dinner or banquet?
 Peter: You must be joking. It's all I can do to make room service keep her
        cabin in oysters!
<Annette Boning>
 You: I'm interested in Boning?
 Peter: I'm your boy!
 You: No, no. I mean, I want to find out about a passenger NAMED Boning.
 Peter: Damn. I never give out information to the public. Even Boning ones.
<Cabin boy>
 You: Where could I find a cabin boy?
 Peter: I don't know where the cabin boys go. Maybe one of the other employees
        knows. Stop bugging me with your personal problems. I'm only here to
        serve our passengers.
 You: But I AM a passenger.
 Peter: See! There you go again!
 You: Do you know where I could get a kumquat?
 Peter: What did you say?
 You: Kum-quat.
 Peter: Oh. I dunno.
 You: Once again, thanks for your (lack of) help.
 Peter: Slut.
<My account> (second answer changes as the game progresses)
 You: I'm a little worried about the charges on my account. Could you check my
      balance for me?
 Peter: Of course. Wait here, I'll be right back.
 Peter: Your account is almost nothing, unless you count the $381 from the bar.
 Peter: Your account is miniscule; only $5,002 dollars.
 Peter: Your account is next to nothing; only $19,123 dollars.
 Peter: Oh, it's nothing so far; slightly under $50,000.
 Peter: I wouldn't worry; it seems Captain Thygh has flagged your account.
 You: Hey, thanks, Butch.
<Love master>
 You: I'm looking for the LoveMaster.
 Peter: Here I am, stud puppy!
 You: Ugh. Get me a flea bath!
<Where's my cabin?>
 You: Exactly where IS my cabin?
 Peter: Look at the complimentary map we gave you. Just pull down the Game menu
       (located near the upper left corner of your game window) or click your
       mouse's right button. I think you'll find it a delightful way to move
<Old man>
 You: Could you tell me who that old man is, in the wheelchair, I've seen
      around the ship?
 Peter: You seem to ask too many questions. Did you notice that? What are you
        up to?
 You: What? Why, nothing. To tell the truth, I was really interested in his
      nurse, the woman who is with him.
 Peter: I'm not sure you can be trusted. You're one of THEM, aren't you?
 You: Them?
 Peter: I'm on to you now!
 You: I'd like my passport, please. I'm Larry; Larry Laffer.
 Peter: Impossible. Absolutely impossible. Nope. Not allowed.
 You: What do you mean, "not allowed?" Why not? It's MY passport. I should be
     able to get back my passport at any time!
 Peter: Uuuuuoooh. Mr. Big Tough Guy! Don't beat me! Please. Well, on second
        thought, you can go ahead and beat me! Okay. I don't care. You can have
        it back. Just show me your identification.
 You: My passport IS my identification!
 Peter: I must see some form of photographic identification or no passport.
        Those are my rules.
 You: You're making this up as you go along, right?
 Peter: Sorry. No photo ID. No passport.
 You: Let me see if I understand this: to get back my photo ID I have to show
      you my photo ID.
 Peter: Don't bother me with details.
 You: I'd like to talk to you about one of your employees.
 Peter: Yes, sir? I have nothing to do of importance. Why don't you just waste
        my time berating the innocent help?
 You: You see, it's that "Peggy" woman, that deckhand upstairs.
 Peter: Oh? Oh, HER! Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I'll talk to her. We've had quite a
        few complaints...
 You: I was only wondering if she was really a pirate.
 Peter: Never you mind, sir. I'll give her a severe tongue-lashing. Right away.
 You think: Now that's an ugly picture!
 You: Is there anywhere aboard ship where I could get a photo ID made?
 Peter: Right. Like I'm going to HELP you steal poor Mr. Laffer's passport.
 You: But I AM Mr. Laffer!
 Peter: That's yet to be proven, hunkie.
 You: Oooooooh.
 You: Is there a fabric store aboard ship?
 Peter: No, but if you come to my cabin, I'll let you rub some filmy
 You: Ah... tempting, but ah, no thanks.
<Complain about room>
 You: I'd like to complain about my room.
 Peter: You and everyone else. You're lucky you have a room. It's weirdo's like
        you that spoil everything for the rest of us normal folks.
 You: Hey. Back off, Buck-o.
 Peter: Yes, that IS my favorite position. And while you think you're big stuff
        now, you just wait until we're in charge. Then you'll be singing a
        different tune. Then you'll be glad to even HAVE a room!
 You: What in the hell is wrong with you?
 Peter: Oh, I think you know well enough: The CIA put mind-control drugs in
        puce house paint, and now all the interior decorators are under their
        control. I can't stand it!
 You: May I use your telephone?
 Peter: No. This telephone is for official Purser's Desk business only. You
        must use the telephone on that pole, over there.
 You: I'm looking for that cabin boy, X-lax, or whatever his name is.
 Peter: Oh, sure. I'll leave him a note. He'll get to it...never!
 Peter: My job has nothing to do with that. Say... what are you driving at?
 Peter: It would not be prudent of me to talk about that.
 Peter: I have no idea what you are talking about.
 Peter: I don't think you're supposed to know about that.
 Peter: If you have to ask, then you don't need to know!
 You: Okay. See you around.
 Peter: And just what do you mean by that?!

                        El Replicant Sculpture Garden                G0820

<A Sign>
  Narrator: "Pardon our DICE!"

<A Sign of Things to Come>
  Narrator: "We're SHAKIN' things up 4 U!"

<Another Sign>
  Narrator: "Progress ROLLS on!"

<Big Toe o' Venus>
  Narrator: This closer look reveals the Venus o' Dice hasn't been completely
            glued together yet.
  You think: Nobody will ever miss a couple of these dice.
  *Venus crumbles*
  You think: Ooooops.

<Bob Bitt>
  Narrator: Bob Bitt the sculptor is hard at work, putting the finishing
            touches on his masterpiece, the Venus o' Dice.
 <Look> (after Venus crumbles)
  Narrator: Sculptor Bob seems more than just a little distraught. He'd prefer
            to be alone... with his shattered dreams.
  You: Hello? Excuse me? Mr. Sculptor, sir? Guess he's busy.
 <Talk> (after Venus crumbles)
  Narrator: Sculptor Bob seems more than just a little distraught. He'd prefer
            to be alone... with his shattered dreams.
 <Use » Souvenir Dice
  Narrator: Taunt Sculptor Bob with the very weapon of his demise? Suddenly,
            Larry Laffer, your cruel side begins to show!

<Casino Doors>
  Narrator: Doors? In a casino? Radical!

<David o' Cards>
  Narrator: The Pair o' Dice Casino is the proud possessor of the world's
            largest replica of Michaelangelo's David made entirely from used
            playing cards.

<David's Foot>
  Narrator: The David o' Cards is no "house of cards." It's glued tightly

<Foot O' David>
  Narrator: David appears to be holding two jacks and a club.

<Lady Luck>
  Narrator: Clasping quite a "Pair o' Dice" her own self, Lady Luck stands
            ready to "shower" riches on all those who pass beneath her.

<Left Tiki>
  Narrator: This is Han-Ja-Ub, the tiki god of war. Look at the rage and
            bloodlust in his eyes.

<Rickety Scaffold>
  Narrator: Bob Bitt the sculptor wouldn't appreciate you climbing up his
            scaffold and disturbing him while he's completing his masterpiece.
 <Look> (Bob Bitt is gone)
  Narrator: The scaffold may look rickety, but in fact, it's INCREDIBLY
            rickety! Is your life insurance paid up?
  You: Ehhnh? What's the point of life insurance when you're your own

<Right Tiki>
  Narrator: This is Bloh-Ja-Ub, the tiki god of love. Look at his warm,
            smiling expression.
  Narrator: Bob Bitt the sculptor wouldn't appreciate you climbing up his
            scaffold and disturbing him while he's completing his masterpiece.
 <Climb> (Bob Bitt is crying)
  Narrator: Sculptor Bob seems more than just a little distraught. He'd prefer
            to be alone... with his shattered dreams.
 <Climb> (Bob Bitt is gone)
  *switch to El Replicant Sculpture Garden Scaffold*

  Narrator: This is all that remains of Bob Bitt's once-proud Venus....
            I hope you're happy.

 <Look> (left spike)
  Narrator: From way down here, it's difficult to be sure, but there may be a
            metal spike protruding through the ceiling.
 <Look> (right spike)
  Narrator: Yes, that iron spike is protruding through the casino lobby
 <Look> (after Juggs' performanc)
  Narrator: Yes, the Juggs' chase lights are still wrapped around the iron
            spike. You pretend to be proud of yourself.

<Venus o' Dice>
  Narrator: The world's largest Venus de Milo replica constructed entirely from
            used casino dice stands before you, nearly complete.

<Venus's Foot>
  *closeup of Big Toe o' Venus*

El Replicant Sculpture Garden Scaffold:

<Bob Bitt's Toolbox>
  Narrator: This toolbox is filled with all the tools your modern dice sculptor
            needs. There's a screwdriver right on top.
 <Look> (after taking screwdriver)
  Narrator: This toolbox is filled with all the tools your modern dice sculptor
            needs. There once was a screwdriver right on top.
  *take screwdriver*
 <Take> (after taking screwdriver)
  Narrator: Sorry, Larry, but all you need is the screwdriver.
  You think: Ah, remember back at La Costa Lotta?
  Narrator: You mean, in "Leisure Suit Larry 6: Shape Up or Slip Out!",
            Sierra's first SVGA adventure game that they've just recently
            included in your "Greatest Hits...and Misses!" collection?
  You think: Yeah, there!
  Narrator: So?
  You think: There I needed to take TWO tools!
  Narrator: Well, you don't here.
  You think: Oh, yeah? How do you know?
  Narrator: I peeked ahead in the script.
  You think: Oh.... So tell me: do I get laid?
  Narrator: Not that much!

  Narrator: The scaffold looks even more rickety from up here! A little
            nameplate on one rail reads: "Humpty Dumpty Erection."
  You think: So, you really gonna just leave that line hanging there?
  Narrator: Shooting fish in a barrel. No challenge.

  Narrator: A flathead screwdriver lies on top of the sculptor's toolbox.

<Steel Spike>
  Narrator: From up here it's easy to see a large steel spike has been driven
            right through the ship's deck from above.
 <Look> (after attaching chase lights)
  Narrator: The chase light-wrapped steel spike would look sorta Christmas-y if
            it were green and cone-shaped and sticking up through the floor,
            but instead, it's steel and pointy and sticking down through the
  Narrator: The only reason you want to feel that is because you expect to hear
            something about "long and hard," right?
  Narrator: Sorry.
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  You think: I think I can just barely reach it from here....

                        Casino                                       G0821

<First visit>
 Waitress: Drinks, anyone?
 Dapper Guys: Martini. Shaken, not stirred.
 A Man: Can I get some bean dip here?
 Crowd: Mutter. Ugh. Moan. No!

<Blackjack Tables>
  Narrator: Yes, these blackjack tables do look inviting, but you played enough
            blackjack when you were in Lost Wages, as documented in "Leisure
            Suit Larry in the Land of The Lounge Lizards," available at
            sleazier software stores everywhere in the great Sierra collectors
            edition: "Leisure Suit Larry's Greatest Hits...and Misses!".
  Narrator: Just the thought of going near a blackjack table is more than you
            can stand ever since you played too much in "Leisure Suit Larry in
            the Land of the Lounge Lizards," available now at a very reasonable
            price as part of the "SierraOriginals" line of bargain-priced
            software, at sexier software stores wherever the stock boys haven't
            swiped it yet.

  Narrator: The Pair o' Dice casino has chosen a unique way to display the
            grand prize in the progressive slot machine challenge: Carcano!
  Narrator: It tastes kinda lava-y. Linda Lava-y.
  Narrator: There's something going on here that would make Freud urp!

<Craps Table>
 <Look> (when occupied)
  Narrator: You've wanted to play craps ever since you visited Lost Wages, way
            back in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards,"
            just one of the many great games available in Sierra's handsome
            collectors' edition, "Leisure Suit Larry's Greatest Hits...and
            Misses!" available wherever fine software is re-shrink-wrapped in
            the back room, even though they never admit that's what they do!
  You: Yeah. Too bad the table's full.
 <Look> (when unoccupied)
  Narrator: For some reason, the craps table now stands strangely empty, just
            waiting for you to step up and lose your money.
  *close-up of craps table*
 <Play> (after winning)
  Narrator: You have plenty of money already, Larry. Besides, this isn't about
            the money.
  You: But I could always use more.
  Narrator: No. You'll just fritter it away. This game's about women, Lawrence.
            You're a lover, not a plutocrat.
  You: Yeah, I guess so. I don't even like dogs.
 <Play> (after winning strip liar's dice)
  Narrator: You have no need for money, Larry.
  You: Maybe not, but with these dice, I could be a rich man!
  Narrator: Yes, but wouldn't that spoil the irony of all this?
  You: What irony?
  Narrator: Oh, come now. Surely you noticed you were immediately cheated out
            of the money you cheated to get.
  You: Damn. I get it now. Man, I love stuff like that!
  Narrator: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh? "Crime does not pay!" At least, at these
  You: Whoa. Heavy, dude.

<Craps Table> (Close-up)
  Narrator: The craps table is a confusing mess of different betting areas. You
            have no idea what they represent.
  You: I guess I'll just put it all on "Come!" Heh, heh.
 <Play> (first time)
  You: Here's my Thygh's Man Trophy scorecard. Charge a hundred smackers worth
       of chips to my room, will ya, bub? I feel lucky!
  Jacques: Of course, sir.
  You: Put it all on "come." With a name like that, how can I lose?
  Jacques: Yes sir. Right away. Here are your dice.
  Jacques think: (American asshole.)
 <Play> (second)
  You: Let's go again. Another hundred on "come." Well, I mean, the "come
       line." You know, the line with... yeah.
  Jacques: No problem.
  Jacques thinks: (Yankee asshole.)
 <Play> (third?)
  You: What's wrong with me? I already have chips. It's time to roll them
       bones, babe!
 <Play> (if have not attended introductory meeting yet)
  Narrator: Even though you've "cleared" the table, you can't enter the Thygh's
            Man Trophy craps-playing competition without a Thygh's Man Trophy
            scorecard. You'd better get up to the lounge pronto, Tonto! The
            meeting's starting right now!
 <Use » Souvenir Dice>
  Jacques: Hold it... right there! You cannot use those dice. They have glue on
           them. What are you trying to pull?
  You: Oh, well, um, pull? Nothing. No, see these are my lucky dice, yeah. I
       always carry 'em with me. I was just rubbing them for good luck.
  Jacques: Uh, huh. Oui, oui.
  Jacques thinks: (American asshole.)
 <Use » Legal Dice> (randomly, in pairs)
  You: Come on! Baby needs a new pair of platform shoes!
  You think: *lose* Oh!
  You: I can feel Lady Luck comin' on!
  You think: *lose* Guess she went right past me.
  You: Oooh, these dice are hot, hot, hot!
  You think: *lose* But I'm cold, cold, cold.
  You: I GOTTA win sometime!
  You think: *lose* And that time isn't now.
  You: I'm a dice-rolling machine!
  You think: *lose* Guess I need a tune-up.
  You: Here it comes. Here it comes!
  You think: *lose* There it goes! There it goes.
  You: My luck has gotta change this time!
  You think: *lose* Yeah, it changed. It got worse!
 <Use » Shaved Dice> (First time)
  You: C'mon, lil' dogies! (Ruff, ruff!) Don't lemme down!
  You: *win* Yeeeeeeip-pee! Let 'em ride, fella!
  You: I'm rollin' now!
  You: *win* Yes! Let 'em build!
  You: Finally, I'm gettin' lucky!!
  You: *win* Look at those stacks!
  You think: *Dewmi enters* Oh, my gawd! Look at THOSE stacks!
  Dewmi: Hello, handsome. I'm Dewmi Moore.
  You: Ulp! Who me? Oh, I'm Larry; Larry Laffer.
  Dewmi: I couldn't help but notice how lucky you are tonight.
  You: Well... tonight, yeah!
  Dewmi: Would you like to go to my cabin... for a "more intimate" dice game?
  You think: Hubba, hubba. (Hope I have a rubba!)
  You: Sure. What is it?
  Dewmi: Strip liar's dice. You do know how to play strip liar's dice, don't
         you, Larry?
  You: Sure!
  You think: No, but I'm willin' to learn!
  You: Where's your cabin?
  Dewmi: It's 510. I'll go get the dice and the cups!
  You think: You mean, I gotta wear a cup?!
  Dewmi: Hurry, Larry! I just can't wait to... "up your ante!"
  You: Oooh.
  You: (Whimpers) Oooooh.
 <Use » Shaved Dice> (Second time and so on)
  You: Come on, my little ivory imps! Let's do it again!
  You: Yes!
  You: Once more!
  You: Yes, yes, yes!
  Jacques: And merci! Thank you for playing craps with Jacques, sir. Au revoir.
  You: What? Hey! Gimme the dice. I'm not quitting. I want to bet again!
  Jacques: Oh, no. There's a limit of three winning rolls per customer. House
           rules, you know. Here's your winnings. Bonne nuit. Good night. Good
  You: But... but... I've never heard of such a thing!
  Jacques: Well, you see... it's all part of our policy to share the table with
           those less fortunate unlucky souls. But... feel free to come back
           again... later.
  Jacques thinks: (American asshole.)

 <Look> (table occupied)
  Narrator: Even with a full table, the croupier looks dissatisfied with life.
 <Look> (table unoccupied)
  Narrator: The croupier stands there, listless and bored. Perhaps you could
            cheer him up by losing a big wad of dough.
 <Talk> (table occupied)
  You: Excuse me.
  Jacques: No talking, monsieur. Game in progress.
 <Talk> (table unoccupied)
  *close-up of craps table*

<Dapper Gentlemen>
 <Look> The craps table is filled with men in tuxedos. There's something
        familar about them, but you just can't put your finger on what it is.
  You: Um, do you suppose you guys could make room for me? Please? Pretty
  You: Look! Matlock! Darn.
  You: Hey, didn't your mother teach you to share? Guess not.
  You: Hey, ah, I hear there's free drinks at the blackjack tables! Of course,
       there's free drinks here, too...
  You: What's a guy gotta do to play some craps around here? Well, whatever it
       is, I'm not doing it.
  You: Don't you guys have a home? Guess not.
  You: I hear the baccarat here is excellent. No? Guess not.
  You: I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me play craps. ...or until I feel
       like I'm gonna die.

<Disco Balls>
  You: Disco will never die!
  Narrator: If there's a God, it will!

  Narrator: This escalator leads to the lower casino and a hallway stretching
            back into the distance.

<Jacques, le Croupier>
  Narrator: The croupier's name tag may say "Jacques," but his look says, "I
            get paid whether you play or not... asshole."
  You: So, Jacques... what's your name?
  Jacques: Jacques.
  Jacques thinks: (American asshole.)
 <Use » Legal Dice>
  You: On second thought, I don't think I'll bet after all.
  Jacques: Certainly, sir. I'll cancel the charge to your room.
  You: How 'bout if I just cash in these chips instead?
  Jacques: I'm so sorry, sir. I can only pay your winnings in cash. House
           rules, you know.
  Jacques thinks: (American asshole.)
 <Use » Shaved Dice>
  You: Mind if I use my own dice?
  Jacques: I'm sorry, sir. Your dice appear to be acceptable, but you must use
           the dice we provide. House rules, you know.
  Jacques thinks: (American asshole.)
 <Use » Souvenir Dice>
  You: May I use these dice?
  Jacques: I'm sorry, sir. You may only use the dice I give you. House rules,
           you know.
  Jacques thinks: (Yankee asshole.)

*attempt to save the game*
 Jacques: What? Save your game? Are you trying to cheat?
 You: Uh, no, I'm not.
 Jacques thinks: (American asshole.)

*attempt to leave with the dice*
 Jacques: You can't leave with the dice, sir. Either roll them or give them
          back to me and cancel your bet. House rules, you know.

  Narrator: That palm looks a little hairy.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: There's nothing at the top of the palm tree. But isn't typing fun?

<Slot Machines>
  Narrator: Those slots just remind you of the slots back in Lost Wages, as
            chronicled in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge
            Lizards," available everywhere that stores wrap your purchase in
            plain brown paper.
  Narrator: You have no desire to play the slots now; you had your fill of slot
            machines in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards,"
            available by mail order directly from Sierra, if you borrow your
            parents' credit card!

  Narrator: You doubt seriously if those umbrellas are real grass.

  Narrator: It's Sno-Ja-Ub and Reem-Ja-Ub, those lovable, crazy, happy-go-lucky
            alcoholic tiki brothers. They had their own series on Fox one week.
  Narrator: They're not THAT lovable, crazy and happy-go-lucky!

  Narrator: My, oh my. Five tons of voluptuousness packed into a five-pound
  Narrator: Larry! Do we have a tiny problem with impulse control?
  Narrator: Perhaps you can do that tonight, after you've fallen asleep.
  Narrator: Only in your dreams, Larry.
  Waitress: Oh, TAKE me, Larry. TAKE me now!
  Narrator: And then... you wake up.
  You: Oh, miss?
  Waitress: I'm sorry, sir. I only take drink orders from the craps table.

                        Employees Only Area                          G0822

<Captain Thygh>
  Narrator: Captain Thygh has thoughtfully provided photographs of herself
            throughout the ship as motivation to Thygh's Man Trophy
  Narrator: Play the game right and you just might get to do that... and not to
            just her photograph!

<Card Scanner>
  Narrator: Swipe your keycard through this card scanner and it will be
            compared by the ship's central computer to a database for
            acceptability. You better hope yours matches!
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Narrator: This door has no keyhole. Locks? Yes. Keyhole? No.
 <Use » Keycard>
  Narrator: Don't do that. That would mean instant death. 
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Narrator: There's no way your massive tool will fit in that little slot.
  You: I wish I had a... Oh. I don't think I've ever heard that before!

<DNA Scanner>
  Narrator: Somehow this small port captures a specimen of your DNA which is
            then analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and
            compared to a database of acceptable DNA matches. So, the question
            is: "Do you feel lucky today, O.J.?"
  Narrator: Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, look where
            that port is located. You'd have to unzip first!

<Fingerprint Scanner>
  Narrator: Place your finger on this miniature scanner and your fingerprint
            will be recorded, analyzed and processed by the ship's central
            computer and compared to an international database of acceptable
            fingerprint matches via a satellite Internet link with the Interpol
            web site. You better hope yours matches!
  Narrator: Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, you don't
            know where that finger's been!

<Former TMT Winner>
  You think: Geez, if guys like that can win this contest, how hard can it be?
  Narrator: In your case, not that hard!

<Pair of Cannons>
  You think: What a pair of cannons!

<Retinal Scanner>
  Narrator: Place your eye before this miniature scanner and your retina will
            be recorded, analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer
            and compared to an international database of retinal scans via a
            cellular link with the CIA web site. You better hope yours matches!
  Narrator: Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, you could
           "put an eye out!"

<Tongueprint Scanner>
  Narrator: Lick this scanner and your tongueprint will be recorded, analyzed
            and processed by the ship's central computer and compared to a
            database of acceptable matches. You better hope yours does!
  Narrator: Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, you don't
            know where that tongue has been!

<Voiceprint Scanner>
  Narrator: Speak into this microphone and your voiceprint will be recorded,
            analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and compared
            to a database of acceptable voice matches. How much can you sound
            like Jan Rabson?
  Narrator: Don't do that. That would mean instant death.

  Narrator: It looks like somebody means business!

<Well-Protected Door> (before approaching?)
  Narrator: Evidently someone doesn't want you to get into THAT door.

<Well-Protected Door>
  Narrator: You wonder where that door leads.
  Narrator: Intense security is this door's hallmark. To its left is a keycard
            scanner, a retinal scanner, a fingerprint scanner, a voiceprint
            scanner, a tongueprint scanner, and an auto-DNA sampler. Something
            tells you it would be better for you to pass all those tests than
            to fail any one!
  Narrator: What? You think you can just ignore all these defense mechanisms
            and waltz right in just by PUSHing the door open?
  You: Hey, look! The door doesn't quite latch. I can just walk right in!
  Narrator: Okay. It's your ass!

Break Room:
<A Locker>
  Narrator: This locker is protected by a standard combination lock.
 <Open> *wrong combination*
  Narrator: *wrong combination* That combination doesn't seem to open that
  Narrator: "For a bad time, call Peggy! She talk too much."
  Narrator: You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose...
  You: ...but I'm not gonna pick this lock, am I?
  Narrator: Nope.

<Bulletin Board>
  Narrator: There are several notices posted on the employees' bulletin board,
            along with photographs of gamblers no longer permitted in the
  Narrator: Attention: Dealers
            Special seminar: dealing from the bottom of the deck made easy,
            Saturday, 3AM, ship's lounge!
  Narrator: Pit Bosses: If they can't take a joke, BAR 'em!
  Narrator: My kid can beat your kid at craps.
  Narrator: Fall Lecture Series:
            Fleecing the chump!
            Sign up now.
  Narrator: Dealers: hear a lecture next layover by our visiting gambling
            specialist, Willy the Goon entitled: "Widows? Orphans? Fools!"
  Narrator: Attention Croupiers: It has come to the attention of management
            that cheaters have been using shaved dice. These dice look
            completely innocent, except one face has been shaved with
            sandpaper, making them win every time. This is bad for business!
            Even worse: these dice are undetectable to the naked eye. So as
            soon as you see them, confiscate them. Deposit them in the bowl
  Narrator: Peggy:
            Your prints are ready.

  Narrator: There's nothing in the cabinets.

  Narrator: Wow! Nice pair of doors!

<Cheesecake Photo>
  Narrator: Captain Thygh has filled the ship with photographs of herself,
            scantily clad. She considers it "motivation."
  You: Hey! This photo of Captain Thygh has been securely nailed.
  Narrator: Just like the Captain!

<Coffee Maker>
  Narrator: A small puddle of sludge graces the bottom of the coffee pot.
  Narrator: You'd rather drink rancid bog scum!

<Foosball Machine>
  Narrator: In your salad days, you enjoyed a good game of foosball.
  Narrator: You don't have the balls!
  You: Hey! That was harsh!
  Narrator: I'm not referring to cojones, clown. The foosball is missing.
  You: Oh. I see.

<Jackpot Preventer>
  Narrator: A jumper wire with alligator clips at each end is tacked to the
            bulletin board. A sign beside it reads, "Attention Pit Bosses:
            Attach this wire to slot machines to prevent jackpots."
  Narrator: Sure you can take the jumper wire, but why would you ever want to
            PREVENT a jackpot?

<KZ Brand Jelly>
  Narrator: This tube of "KZ Brand Sexual Lubricant and Roulette Wheel Polish"
            has barely been used.
  Narrator: You never know when you might find a...
  You: ...beautiful babe in need of...
  Narrator: ...a roulette wheel that needs polishing.
  You: Doh!

  Narrator: The ship's employees are fortunate to have a microwave in their
            break room for those odd-hour snacks.
  Narrator: Yuch! Doesn't anybody ever clean that thing?
  You think: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!

  Narrator: A refrigerator might contain some things you need.
  Narrator: Wheew! Get of whiff of that!
  You think: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: But this refrigerator contains nothing you need!

<Shaved Dice Bowl
  Narrator: A sign on the bulletin board mentions that all illegal dice should
            be placed in this bowl.
  Narrator: Unfortunately for you, the shaved dice bowl contains nothing but

  Narrator: The sink is filled with old coffee grounds and food scraps.
  You think: I wish I had a dollar for every ...oh. Never mind.
  Narrator: You'd take everything but the kitchen sink.
  You: Does that mean I don't get it?
  Narrator: Larry, you NEVER get it!

  Narrator: This is just one of the speakers through which you hear the many
            shipboard announcements.
  Narrator: Try as you might, you can't hear anything through the speaker
            because it's silent right now.
 <Listen> (during an announcement)
  Narrator: Yes. You can hear something through the speaker now. So what?

<Snack Vending Machine>
  Narrator: A snack vending machine is a good thing.
  Narrator: An empty snack vending machine is a BAD thing.
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Narrator: An empty snack vending machine is a BAD thing.

<Soda Vending Machine>
  Narrator: It's nice to have a soda vending machine in your break area.
  Narrator: It's NOT nice to have an EMPTY soda vending machine in your break
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Narrator: It's NOT nice to have an EMPTY soda vending machine in your break

<Tables & Chairs>
  Narrator: Lightweight plastic chairs and cheap tables are a part of every
            employee break room.
  Narrator: You're not an employee. You don't GET a break!
  Narrator: You don't get to "take" a break. Or, "take" your seat, either!

<Water Cooler>
  Narrator: What low-life spit in the water bottle!?
  Narrator: Perhaps you should "Look" first!

Xzywts' Private Chamber:
<Air Vent>
  Narrator: That large air vent must help Xqwzts keep his cool.
 <Look> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: That large air vent formerly helped Xqwzts keep his cool.
  Xzywts: Hey! Leave alone. Beat it. Talk me. Hey, hello. Right here!
 <Unscrew> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: That's a refreshing change for you, Larry. Usually you want to do
            just the opposite! In any case, it'll take more than just your
            fingernail to loosen these screws.
  Xzywts: Hey! What you doing? Mess with stuff right in front of me? What wrong
 <Open> *after unscrewing air vent*
  Narrator: The dessert tasting room is no longer locked. There's no need to
            climb through the air vent.
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Narrator: Uhhg. Grunt.
 <Use » Screwdriver> *on unscrewed air vent*
  Narrator: You want to put the screws back in? It's unscrewed. Just open it on

<Aku Aku>
  Narrator: It's either a miniature version of those Easter Island heads or a
            bust of Al Lowe.

<Bed of Nails>
  Narrator: Actually, it's more comfortable than it looks.
  You think: That wouldn't be difficult.

<Captain Thygh>
  Narrator: Pictures of Captain Thygh are sprinkled around the ship to inspire
            the contestants.
  You: I know I'm inspired.

  Narrator: Sometimes Xqwzts burns this at both ends.
 <Look> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: Like Xqwzts, this has gone out.

<Conga Drum>
  Narrator: You got your fill of these on your old Enoch Light "Provocative
            Percussion" albums.
  Narrator: This drum is like good sex... you just can't beat it!

<Credit Card Imprinter>
  Narrator: How professional. Xqwzts has his very own credit card imprinter.
 <Look> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: Don't mess with Xqwzts's credit card imprinter. You've got enough
            charges on your room already!

<Custodial Key>
  Narrator: This key gets the cabin boy into all the secret fun custodial
            closets and storage holds on the ship.
  Narrator: Hey. Hands off. That MY key. I use all the time. Whenever I
  You think: Which is not often.
 <Take> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: Good idea. You may as well get something in trade for your

<Glass Jar>
  Narrator: What the hell is in that jar?

<Hanging Lantern>
  Narrator: These lamps reflect Xqwzts's life philosophy: hang around long
            enough and you may become enlightened.
 <Look> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: These lamps reflect Xqwzts's new life philosophy: hang around long
            enough and you may finally get to go out!

  Narrator: You haven't seen one of these since you went to India with the
            Beatles to visit the maharishi.
  You think: Funny. I don't remember that.
  Narrator: Hardly surprising!

  Narrator: This is what Xqwzts burns to cover the other smells in here.
 <Look> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: Now that Xqwzts has gone out, so has the incense.

<Key Hook>
  Narrator: There is a hook on the wall where Xqwzts hangs his custodian's key.
            Right now, it's empty.
 <Look> *after Xqwzts has left*
  Narrator: Looks like Xqwzts has left his custodian's master key hanging here.
            Of course, he won't need it where's he's going.
 <Look> *after you took the key*
  Narrator: That's the hook where Xqwzts once hung his custodian's master key.
            Right now, it's empty. Because YOU took it!

<Sacred Ancestor>
  Narrator: That must be one of Xqwzts's ancestors.

  Narrator: That's a relic from a rare African tribe of warrior brothers.
  You think: Looks more like the "Warnor Brothers."
  Narrator: Hmmm. You could be right!

<Xqwyst's Chamber>
  Narrator: Xqwzts hiding place now reminds you of a casbah stall, closed for
            the holidays.
  Narrator: Xqwzts hiding place reminds you of a casbah stall, open and ready
            for negotiations.

  Narrator: Either Xqwzts is an eclectic collector or his family heritage is a
            multi-cultural jumble. His little hiding place is awash with
            cultural references.
 <Use » Generic Answer>
  Xqwzts: Well... I want something, but not that. What is problem? No
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Xqwzts: Already got some. In fact, I'm wearing it right now!
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Xqwzts: Take better care of my work, Skippy.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Xqwzts: Loser.
 <Use » Remote Control>
  Xqwzts: Um, no. Not remote enough for me.
 <Use » Screwdriver>
  Xqwzts: What you do with that?
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Xqwzts: Not hungry.
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Xqwzts: Not hungry.
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Xqwzts: Where do you think Dewmi got that?
 <Use » Magazine Page>
  Xqwzts: (No thanks.) Already read this issue.
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Xqwzts: No money necessary. Blackmail very lucrative.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Xqwzts: Old family tradition. No beaver cheese allowed! Ha!
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Xqwzts: Old family saying: Never drink crap like this!
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Xqwzts: Thanks. Got it. Read it. Hated it. Sold it.
 <Use » "Prudish and Proud">
  Xqwzts: No, thanks. Don't want it. And even if did, wouldn't take it.
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Xqwzts: Threaten me? Look behind you! Locker bay may swing down. Hit head.
          You gone. Dig me, daddy-o?
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Xqwzts: Swap? Might. No. Never mind. These have no remote to work them. Um,
          garbage. Take them!
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Xqwzts: No. Old family tradition. Stinking.
 <Use » Shaved Dice>
  Xqwzts: Sneaky. But don't show everywhere. Use. Don't lose.
 <Use » Souvenir Dice>
  Xqwzts: Gambling is for losers.
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Xqwzts: No need. Already possess.
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Xqwzts: No suntan booth this. You keep.
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Xqwzts: Fine silk. Top quality. Big dollar item. Rich girl.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Xqwzts: Fine silk. Top quality. Big dollar item. Rich girl. But very sloppy!
 <Use » Jumper Wire>
  Xqwzts: What? You pilfer my wire and then give back to me? Hah!
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard>
  Xqwzts: Well. Very impressive. Who care?
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Xqwzts: Who do you think hangs those on the tree?
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Xqwzts: No, no, no need. Nothing to lube!
 <Use » Mold>
  Xqwzts: Good quality. Could use this. But not now.
 <Use » Pot>
  You: So, Xqwzts, you interested in good pot?
  Xqwzts: Got plenty. Marrakesh connection. Good stuff, man.
  You: Not THAT kind. A cooking pot.
  Xqwzts: Why bother? Got key to kitchen!
 <Use » Photo ID> 
  Xqwzts: No, no. No good. Can't get past Border Patrol. Got passport, though?
          Could use that!
 <Use » Passport>
  You: I know how much you want to travel, Xqwzts. I'm kind of a world
       traveller myself. In fact, I have my passport with me right now.
  Xqwzts: What? You have passport? Never see American passport. Show me
          passport. Let me see it!
  Xqwzts: Thanks.
  You: Damn! Where'd he go?
  Xqwzts: Bye! Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Talking to Xqwzts:
<First Meeting>
 Xqwzts: Hello. Who dares to enter my private chambers? Ah. You here for dirty
 You: Huh? Uh, excuse me. I'm Larry; Larry Laffer.
 Xqwzts: Oh. Yeah. You make me laugh! You big Zero.
 You: Big zero? Ah, yes, that is my cabin. I can't quite read your nametag. Is
      that "Ex-qwats?"
 Xqwzts: Maybe. You here for dirty pictures?
 You: Um, noooo... at least I don't think so...
 Xqwzts: Okay. Whatever. You 'da boss. Hunky-donkey-doory-woory. 
<Subsequent Meetings>
 You: Hey there, "Zorkwitz!"
 Xqwzts: Same at ya, Mr. Loaf in the pants!
<Dirty photo> (if had sex)
 You: Do you know where I could obtain some "photographs." You know, the, uh,
      "good kind." (Wink, wink.)
 Xqwzts: Ah. Meester Leaf-blower wants to buy some feelthy peektures?
 You: Oh, no! I have no interest in pornography. I'm an artist.
 Xqwzts: Oh, yes, artist. Me, too. And these are very special....
 You: Oh? How's that?
 Xqwzts: Why, they're pictures... of you!
 You: Wha... what!?
<Dirty photo> (if not had sex)
 You: Zixwurst, you said something about pictures earlier?
 Xqwzts: Feelthy peek-tures? Sure, I gottum! You wantum?
 You: They're of people on the ship?
 Xqwzts: Oh, ho! You are sharp as a tack!
 You: Well, ah... would you happen to have any of me?
 Xqwzts: Ha, ha. Of you? (Don't make me laugh!) No! You not had sex! Better get
         busy if you want mementos of big vacation. Art Leather binders; 10
         wallets free with order. Get reprints for friends!
 You: (I just want to get laid!) I'll keep that in mind, thanks.
<Buy pictures>
 You: Well, I suppose I SHOULD buy some pictures from you. Can you charge it to
      my room?
 Xqwzts: Okay the dokay. Whatever you are saying.
<Cabin boy>
 You: ARE you a cabin boy on this ship or aren't you?
 Xqwzts: Yes. No. Perhaps. Hmm. Not clear.
 You: Hmm. It seems as if you might be unsure.
 Xqwzts: Well, since I saw movie "Cabin Boy" I branch out into new work. Stink-
<My cabin>
 You: So, Xqwzts, how about cleaning my cabin? It's a mess!
 Xqwzts: I could do that. Forget it.
 You: What? Aren't you a cabin boy?
 Xqwzts: Actually, from now on you will please refer to me as "Individual
         Accoutrement Maintenance Young Person." Or, I. M. Yip, for short! See,
         boss. No more manual labor.
 You: Why?
 Xqwzts: Why? Who gonna fire guy with filthy pictures? 
 You: You mean: blackmail?
 Xqwzts: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wash out your mouth. Everyone
         buy for personal portfolio. Keepsake. Memorabilia. Good stuff. Use
         good film, good camera, good angles. Hasselblad, medium format, 90mm
         lens. Blows up real nice. Good for over sofa. (Even better for over
<Drew Baringmore>
 You: So, Xqwzts, do you take care of Drew Baringmore's cabin?
 Xqwzts: Yes. No. Maybe. Not help you anyway. How 'bout some fine silver? Heavy
 You: Thanks, but, um, I'm trying to find her clothes. I think you know where
      her suitcase is.
 Xqwzts: I know. But too busy to help you. Bye, Joe.
<Where's Dildo?>
 Xqwzts: Him all over ship. Keep eye out!
 You: Say! How did you get photographs of me like this?
 Xqwzts: Oh, is no problem, really. Fast film. Very fast.
 You: Miss Peggy tells me you have an interest in travel.
 Xqwzts: Ah, yes she speaks truth. Need to see passport so can make copy. Any
         country. U.S. berry berry good. Where yours?
 You: Oh, it's... around.
 You: Xqwzts, do you know Miss Peggy, that deckhand?
 Xqwzts: Who, hoo hoo hoo. Peggy? Sure. Know Peggy very well. Know her since
         she was just Peg! Good customer. Very good. Goes through plenty dirty
         pix. Ask her, go ahead, ask. She say I one straight guy.
<Your name>
 You: So exactly what's the deal with your name? How SHOULD I pronounce it?
 Xqwzts: Richard. Richard Head.
 You: You mean...
 Xqwzts: Yep. A guy can only get teased so many times before he finally just...
         gives up, and has to change his name.
 You: So, do you enjoy traveling, X-squats?
 Xqwzts: Yes. Very much. Love travel. But want to settle down.
 You: Oh, really? Where?
 Xqwzts: Where? U. S. of A., where else? Love Fresno suburbs. Want big Volvo.
         Crab grass. Satellite dish!
<Peter the Purser>
 You: That purser is so, so...
 Xqwzts: Yeah, he something else. No help to me, you bet. Barely gives me my
<Captain Thygh>
 You: What about Captain Thygh, Hershey-squirt?
 Xqwzts: Oh, Captain one excellent subject, let me tell you. Many good photos.
         Tough lighting, though.
 Xqwzts: Hmm. Nope. Sorry. Know nothing 'bout that.
 Xqwzts: No. Not me. Nope. Huh, uh.
 Xqwzts: Really? You don't say?
 Xqwzts: Nah. No, ignorant. Know nothing about that.
 Xqwzts: Thanks for sharing that. Now, goodbye!
 You: Bye bye, X-ie.
 Xqwtzs: Hasta la vista, Putzula.

                        Bowling Competition Area                     G0823

<Another Bowler>
  Narrator: He seems to be better than you.
  Narrator: There's no way he can hear you from this distance.

<Another Bowler>
  Narrator: He seems to be better than you.
  Narrator: He can't hear you. And even if he could, he wouldn't talk to you.

<Bowling Alleys>
  Narrator: How bizarre. The ship's bowling lanes lead right off the stern. You
            bet they go through a lot of balls.
 <Use » Bowling Ball> (or Play)
  *Bowl badly*
  Ship's Announcer: That sucked.
  Ship's Announcer: Mediocre.
  Ship's Announcer: What a wuss.
  Ship's Announcer: That was weak.
  Ship's Announcer: Nice throw, wimp.
 <Use » Bowling Ball> (treated ball?)
  You think: This has got to do it!
  You: Woof woof woof.
 <Use » Bowling Ball> (sprayed pins?)
  You: Ugh. Ah.
  Narrator: The ship's movements cause your balls to careen madly.
  You think: Yeah, I know; but I didn't think anyone else could see!

<Bowling Ball>
  Narrator: You know, the other contestants wiped their balls first.
  You: Umm.
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Narrator: You can't do that here in plain view of all the other bowlers. Try
            to be more subtle, Larry.
  You: What was that last word before Larry?
  Narrator: Never mind.
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Narrator: You carefully wipe off all traces of walrus from your ball.
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief> (after rigging bowling pins)
  Narrator: You carefully wipe the dust off your ball.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Narrator: At least one ball is well lubricated.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief> (after rigging bowling pins)
  Narrator: Now things ought to happen!

<Fiberglass Walrus>
  Narrator: Why would they decorate the bowling alley with a fiberglass walrus?
  Narrator: At least you now know where the bowling balls come from.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  *Bowling ball is ejected*

*Attempt to leave with the bowling ball*
 Ship's Announcer: Bowling balls may not be removed from the bowling area.

                        Captain Queeg's Ballroom                     G0824

  Narrator: Cute. The chandeliers look like underwater bubbles.

  Narrator: There could be a kitschier room someplace, somewhere, somehow...
            but it seems doubtful.

<Glass Bottomed Pool>
  <Narrator: You've never seen a glass-bottomed swimming pool before.
             Especially one with nude swimmers!

<Impressive Pediment>
  Narrator: While it may look impressive, that pediment is just painted
            foamcore and PVC pipe.

<Jamie Lee Coitus> ("Beautiful Woman" before you talk to her)
  Narrator: A gorgeous woman sits before a drafting table, the floor around her
            littered with the discards of hours of work. She looks troubled,
            anguished, distraught.
  You think: I'd say she needs a good man!
 <Use » anything>
  Narrator: Maybe you should talk to her first.

  Narrator: Sometime soon this runway will be covered with beautiful women,
            wearing beautiful clothes and no underwear.
  You think: And that's beautiful, in its own way!

  Narrator: She's just a sculpture, but you could learn to love her just the

Talking To Jamie:
<Jamie's Body>
  Narrator: Jamie's body reminds you of your high school art teacher.
  You think: Yeah. She was something else. But her class was a real
  Narrator: Yes, whoever heard of a drawing class without nude models?!

<Jamie's Chest>
  Narrator: Jamie's breasts reminds you of your high school art teacher.
  You think: Oh, I remember her! She was that young first-year teacher with the
             great body!
  Narrator: Bingo!

<Jamie's Drawing>
  Narrator: Jamie's drawing table reminds you of your high school art teacher.
  You think: Yeah. But she was never into polyester! Or me, for that matter.

<Jamie's Face>
  Narrator: Jamie's face reminds you of your high school art teacher.
  You think: Yeah. She couldn't be more desirable if I drew her myself! If I
             could draw.

<Jamie's Hair>
  Narrator: Jamie's hair reminds you of your high school art teacher.
  You: Yeah. When she started teaching art appreciation, every guy in school
       signed up!

<Jamie's Legs>
  You: My God, Jamie! You have great legs! 
  Jamie Lee: Oui. Oui, I do.
  Narrator: And an ego to match!

<Jamie's Mouth>
  Narrator: How could lips that look so good produce a voice that sounds so

<Jamie Lee Coitus>
  Narrator: Legy, slender Jamie Lee Coitus is a former Bayonne prom queen
            beautiful enough to become a successful Paris super-model. After
            retiring from the runway a few years ago, she became a leading
            haute couture designer. She's held up well. You still find her
            gorgeous and desirable.
  Narrator: That is, you did until you heard her speak!
 <Use » Anything Else>
  Jamie Lee: Oh, yeah. Like I would be interested in THAT!
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Jamie Lee: Oh, mon petit sweet. When you have been in the business as long as
             moi, you know not to touch stuff like that!
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Jamie Lee: Oh, mon petit sweet. When you have been in the business as long as
             moi, you know not to touch stuff like that!
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Jamie Lee: Mon cher, authors WRITE books like that about moi. I don't read
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Jamie Lee: Oh! Now THERE'S a look.
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Jamie Lee: Models don't sweat.
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Jamie Lee: Andy Warhol and I once used one of those.
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Jamie Lee: Hey. I've got enough pressure; I don't need heat too.
 <Use » Life Insurance Policy>
  Jamie Lee: Do you have anything in product liability coverage?
 <Use » Photo ID Keycard>
  Jamie Lee: Your room, I presume. Sure. I'll just drop everything right here
             and rush off to nirvana with vous.
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Jamie Lee: Fruits from the fruit?
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Jamie Lee: Bubby, for your sake, I hope you think I have a roulette wheel
             that needs shining.
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Jamie Lee: You can buy better than that on the streets of Par-ee.
 <Use » Mucilage>
  Jamie Lee: Very sticky. So what?
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Jamie Lee: Yeah, like that will unlock my cold cold heart.
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Jamie Lee: Ick. That's a disgrace! The fabric, I mean.
 <Use » Mold>
  Jamie Lee: Tres disgusting.
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Jamie Lee: Eeeeugh. That's a disgrace! That fabric is so gauche.
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Jamie Lee: I gave that up a couple years ago.
 <Use » Photo ID>
  Jamie Lee: Clever.
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Jamie Lee: Home cooking? Tsk.
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Jamie Lee: Home cooking? Tsk.
 <Use » Magazine Page>
  Jamie Lee: Vogue? I think not.
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Jamie Lee: I have scissors backstage.
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Jamie Lee: Oh, that's sweet of you, honey, but I'm not THAT far down on my
 <Use » Polyester Cloth>
  You: Here, Jamie Lee, I just "dropped in" from the midnight fabric store!
  Jamie Lee: Gid outta here! That's phat, yo! Now, quickly! Take off your
  You think: Hey! This is working out better than I planned!
  You: Well, okay! But you WILL respect me in the morning, won't you?
  Jamie Lee: Move your ass, yo! I got no time for chattin'. I need that leisure
             suit for a pattern!
  You: Oh. I thought... well...
  Jamie Lee: And gimme that underwear, too!
  You: What? Why?
  Jamie Lee: No time to explain!
  You think: Oh, no. Here we go again! 
 <Use » Remote Control>
  Jamie Lee: You know, I don't have the remotest clue what to do with that.
             Evidently, neither does vous!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Jamie Lee: You're never gonna win unless you cheat.
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Jamie Lee: Oh. What have you been doing to get that so sticky?
 <Use » Suitcase>
  Jamie Lee: Oh, tres nice. Gucci?
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Jamie Lee: You are really lost, aren't vous, Larry?
 <Use » Stock Certificate>
  Jamie Lee: I'm more into global bonds.

<first meeting>
 You: Hello there, beautiful. What's a mermaid like you doing here in this
      Atlantis city?
 Jamie Lee: Get out! This is a private area. I've rented this ballroom for the
            entire cruise. And I certainly don't want anyone to see me near
            anyone dressed like you!
 You: Oh, French, eh? I so enjoy the French way...
 Jamie Lee: Yeah, I betchu do. Still, I'm having no luck here. Maybe a few
            minutes of inane distraction with this imbecile will start my
            creative juices flowing again. I'm Jamie Lee, the famous houte
            couture fashion designer.
 You: Not Jamie Lee Coitus, former leggy super-model?!
 Jamie Lee: Oui. I was, and still am, quite leggy. And who are vouz?
 You: Larry; Larry Laffer. You've probably heard of me, too.
 Jamie Lee: Non.
<subsequent meetings>
 You: Hi, Jamie Lee. I'm back again.
 Jamie Lee: Oh, bonjour Larry.
 You: Anything come up while I was gone?
 Jamie Lee: Nothing, unfortunately.
<Generic Response>
 Jamie Lee: Oh, that's "miss-steer-ee-oh-so" to moi, buddy.
 Jamie Lee: Say magna-feet.
 Jamie Lee: Buggin'.
 Jamie Lee: Huh?
 Jamie Lee: Let's not talk about that, okay?
<Best Dressed>
 You: Hey! I bet YOU could help me with this competition. One of my categories
      is "Best Dressed Man." Got any suggestions?
 Jamie Lee: Suggestions? Dress? Vous?
 You: Yeah. The leisure suit! It is a kinda awesome look, isn't it?
 You: The collection Calvin Klone ripped off -- what was it like?
 Jamie lee: oh, it was feminine and sexy, kicky, the perfect look for the
            office then out on the town. It matches the way a woman lives
            today. I was so totally inspired.
 Narrator: In other words, exactly like every other designer's line.
 You: Aw. You look distraught. What are you working on?
 Jamie Lee: Distraught? I'm buggin'! I was gonna use this friggin' cruise to
            show off my new spring line to the world fashion press. I even paid
            their way along with us. But now I just learned my arch rival, that
            bastard Calvin Klone, scooped me! He pirated my entire spring line,
            waited 'til we sailed, then showed it to the press as HIS spring
 You: He can't do that!
 Jamie Lee: Hah! Tell him that! But what in the hell am I'm supposed ta do? My
            whole line will be laughed at. I gave it my all and now it'll be
            called derivative! I gotta show somethin' before we dock, but I'm
            beat and all out of "in-spa-ra-she-own!"
 You: Oh. I wish there were something I could do to help you.
 You: What's your favorite fabric this season? 
 Jamie Lee: Natural, dyed, and patterned cotton. Soft, flowing, kicky. How
            about vous?
 You: "Felt!" Get it?
 Jamie Lee: I shoulda guessed.
 You: Why do designers keep changing clothes every year? Why not stick with
      what looks really good... like leisure suits!?
 Jamie Lee: Think, Larry. If fashion changed slowly, people wouldn't need
            clothes as often. They'd stop spending money. Economies would die.
            Millions of sweatshops, err, factories would go out of business!
            Unemployment would be rampant. So don't you see, the world really
            NEEDS haute couture.
 You: Oh.
<Where's home?>
 You: Where you from? 
 Jamie Lee: I'm from Joisey.
 You: So I suppose you spell your name C-u-r-t-i-s? 
 Jamie Lee: No, why?
 You: Ulp!
<An Idea>
 You: But, if I helped you out, say, with an idea, you know, you would be
      grateful, right?
 Jamie Lee: Grateful, yeah. Gracious, doubtful. It would be so "non cou-ture." 
<Calvin Klone>
 You: What's the deal with this Calvin clown?
 Jamie Lee: That's Calvin Klone. (Zee bastard.) Never had an original idea. Not
            a designer. He's a hack!
 You: You know, I used to have a lamp like that hanging over my computer desk.
 Jamie Lee: And your point is?
 You: Oh, uh, nothing, I guess.
 You think: I am so lame!
 You: Jamie, honey, I got it! The solution to your problem is right before your
      eyes: all white but not too bright; light-weight but durable; artificial
      and wrinkle-free!
 Jamie Lee: Vous?
 You: What? No, not me: POLYESTER! The leisure suit! It works for me. It's a
      classic look. "It's stood the test; it's still the best!"
 Jamie Lee: What? Oh, oui. Great. Although, retro IS in. And fashion has done
            crazier things. And, really, when you come right down to it, ain't
            fashion just convincing people old ideas are new? Making people
            desire the crap they just threw away? "Sac-cre bleu, Lar-ree," it
            just might work! And best thing is: I'll make that asshole Calvin
            Klone look like "ze" fool!
 You: Say, uh huh. Happ'nin'!
 Jamie Lee: Oh, but wait. It's impossible! We're in the middle of the ocean
            here. The press is already aboard! And I have no polyester fabric.
            Well, I could fax an order to chopper it aboard. No, there's no
            way. But, I do have my best seamstresses here. No, they're just for
            last- minute alterations. There's no way they could stitch up a
            whole new line, overnight, without fabric... Maybe next year. If I
            even have a next year.
 You: I bet modeling is just about the best career!
 Jamie Lee: Ha! It is to laugh. It sucks, Larry. That's why I'm a designer and
            not a model. Dig?
 You: So, if there's going to be a fashion show, there's gonna have to be
      models here, right?
 Jamie Lee: Oui! But what good will they do moi? They have nothing to wear!
 You think: Say! That WOULD be a show!
<Paper wads>
 You: You've gone through a lot of paper.
 Jamie Lee: Ain't it the truth?! Waddam I gonna do? I gotta get an idea from
<Pick up line>
 You: What's a nice girl like you doing in a dive like this?
 Jamie Lee: Hey, I'm earning a nice living, Larry! And what does this look like
            to vous? A singles bar?
 You: Jamie Lee, I've got a great idea.
 Jamie Lee: Really? Let's hear it.
 You: It concerns you... and me... and no clothing.
 Jamie Lee: Yeah. Like that's ever gonna happen!
 You: You don't really have your clothes made in sweatshops, do you? 
 Jamie Lee: Oh, of course not. Oh contraire. No, honey, I carefully inspect
            every floor of every manufacturing facility in every country every
            day for non- politically correct conditions. Yeah, and I change the
            needles on all their sewing machines, too. What are you, naive?
            Haute couture really provides a service to third world countries.
            We keep people inside, out of the sun. Sometimes it's even cooler
            inside. Well, usually not, but it could be!
 You: Oh.
 You: So, would there be any chance of finagling a ticket to this fashion show
      of yours?
 Jamie Lee: Oh, no. It's strictly for zee industry press. We would never allow
            in zee "public d'ordinaire!"
 You: Well, I'm off, Jamie Lee.
 Jamie Lee: Tell me something I didn't know!

                        Captain Queeg's Ballroom Exterior            G0825

<Authentic Greek Frieze>
  Narrator: Oh, my God!

<Ballroom Entrance>
 <Look> (pre fashion show)
  Narrator: These doors lead to the ship's main ballroom.
 <Look> (after giving Jaime the materials)
  Narrator: The ballroom is locked. But there's a note hanging on the door.
 <Look> (post fashion show)
  Narrator: The ballroom is locked.
 <Read> (after giving Jaime the materials)
  Jamie Lee: Larry:
             Meet me backstage!
  You think: All right! Finally.
 <Read> (post fashion show)
  Jamie Lee: Cher Larry:
             After changing the course of world fashion, I'm off to do the
             late-night talk show circuit! I'm sure you'll derive great
             satisfaction from knowing you played a tiny part in moi's
             greatness. If you are ever in Manhattan or Paris feel free to buy
             some of my clothes.
             Yours truly,
 You: Gee.

<King Neptune>
  Narrator: A large sculpture of King Neptune guards the entrance to Captain
            Queeg's Ballroom.
  Narrator: Granite would be too heavy at sea. It feels like styrofoam!
  You: Granite would be too heavy at sea. It feels like styrofoam!

<Stage Door>
  Narrator: These doors lead backstage and are off-limits to the public.
  Narrator: Never the bashful one, eh, Larry?
  You think: Hmm. They're locked.
 <Look> (after giving Jaime the materials)
  Narrator: She left these unlocked. Here I come, baby!

Fashion Show:
 You: Jamie? Jamie Lee?
 *lights come on*
 You: Uh, oh!
 *crowd goes wild, Larry gets his clothes ripped off*
 You: Hey!

                        Sexual Prowess Competition                   G0826

<Booth #1>
  Narrator: This booth is occupied...and evidently, quite successfully, too.

<Booth #1's Score>
  Narrator: Looks like things are going pretty well in this booth!

<Booth #2>
  Narrator: This booth looks empty.
 <Look> (after winning)
  Narrator: Looks like SOMEbody's sexually satisfied around here!

<Booth #2's Score>
  Narrator: This booth is unoccupied...and evidently, quite successfully, too.

<Booth #3>
  Narrator: What the hell is going on in there?!

<Booth #3's Score>
  Narrator: This booth's occupant is doing well!

<Booth #4>
  Narrator: There are many governments that ban that sort of behavior!

<Booth #4's Score>
  Narrator: The score is not the only thing rising around this booth!

<CyberCard 2000>
  Narrator: This is where you stick it... that is, insert your Thygh's Man
            Trophy score card.
 <Use » Keycard>
  Narrator: That might work on your room, but it does nothing here.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (failing)
  You: Oh. Yes. Ah! Oh.
  You think: Wow! I bet I was in there an hour!
  Ship's Announcer: Your score, Larry Laffer: two.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (trying again after failing)
  Narrator: Oh, sure. You'd like to THINK you could "perform" again so soon....
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (while with Vicki)
  You: Okay, Vicki. There ya go!
  Victorian: This will prove who's the real "sex-pert!"
  Victorian: Oh. Ah. *pant* *heavy breathing* Ahh-e-ah-e-ah-e-ah-e-ah!
  Victorian: Well? Let's see you top THAT!
  You: Oh, I couldn't. You win, I guess. Now, how about some "private lessons?"
  Victorian: Dream on. I'm heading for my cabin... and a nice stimulating book.
  You: But, wait! I didn't even lose all my clothes yet! (Sigh.)
  Ship's Announcer: Your score, Larry Laffer: 1000. Wow. A perfect score.
                    Laffer. Come by the office, okay? I get off at midnight.
  Narrator: Well, you didn't beat Vicki, but who cares; you got a record high
            score on the LoveMaster 2000!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (after Vicki's session)
  Narrator: What? Enter again? And ruin Vicki's perfect score with your lousy
            performance? Really, Larry.

<Important Button>
  Narrator: This button is clearly labled "Do not touch!" So naturally your
            curiosity is piqued.
  Narrator: Are you sure? Okay...

<Lava Lamp>
  You think: Sometimes I think I see something in that lava lamp's random
  Narrator: Wrong, Larry. It's just your dirty mind!

<The LoveMaster 2000>
  Narrator: LoveMaster 2000 is (not) a registered trademark of Up and Coming
            Productions, of Sierra Northwest, a division of Sierra Publishing,
            a part of Sierra On-Line, Incorporated, a member of the CUC
            International, a company publicly traded on the New York Stock
            Exchange under the symbol CU. All rights reserved. Your mileage may

<Your Score>
  Narrator: This booth is unoccupied...and evidently, quite successfully, too.

                        Cook-Off Competition Area                    G0827

<Cook-Off Competition>
  Narrator: This is where those few vying for the Thygh's Man Trophy and
            unfortunate enough to be randomly selected for the Cook-Off
            competition must present their concoctions to a distinguished panel
            of judges.

<Conveyer Belt>
  Narrator: The conveyer belt is the secret to your success here. Put good food
            on it and you may win. But it must be food you've prepared
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Narrator: Just place your Cook-Off Entry directly on the food conveyor belt.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (after winning)
  Narrator: There's no use to try again, Larry. It's over. No more. Done.
 <Use » Salt>
  Narrator: They're not looking for raw materials, Larry, only prepared dishes.
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  Narrator: They're not looking for raw materials, Larry, only prepared dishes.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Narrator: They're not looking for raw materials, Larry, only prepared dishes.
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Narrator: They're not looking for raw materials, Larry, only prepared dishes.
 <Use » Kumquat Quiche>
  Narrator: Proudly, you present your concoction for evaluation by the panel of
            esteemed chefs.
  Judge Julia: Scorecard, please.
  Judge Julia: Thank you, Mr. Laffer.
  Judge Julia: Well, let's see now...
  Judge Julia: Ugh. Blah. Yech. Ptuuuiy!
  Judge Julia: Well. This has nothing to distinguish it from the hundreds of
               other Venezuelan Beaver Cheese Quiches we've endured... although
               the essence of kumquat does help slightly.
  Judge Graham: What? I don't even want to bother tasting it then.
  Judge Paul: Wait. I might want to try it... aw, never mind.
  You: Ouwfh!
 <Use » Quiche de Larry>
  Narrator: Proudly, you present your special enhanced concoction for
            evaluation by the panel of esteemed chefs.
  Judge Julia: Scorecard, please.
  Judge Julia: Thank you, Mr. Laffer.
  Judge Julia: Well, what do we have here...
  Judge Julia: Umm. Yes... well, I...
  Judge Julia: Ooooh!
  Judge Graham: I'll have what she's having!
  Judge Graham: Umm. Yes... well, I...
  Judge Graham: Ooooh!
  Judge Paul: Hey! Wait for me!!
  Judge Paul: Umm. Yes... well, I...
  Judge Paul: Ooooh!
  Narrator: You may not know much about cooking, but you know what THEY like!
            Look at those scores! You just won the Cook-Off competition!

  Narrator: Cute decor, eh?

<Electric Uvula>
  You think: A Poem
             by Larry Laffer

             "I've never seen an electric uvula
              I never hope to see one.
              I can tell you anyhow,
              I'd rather see, than be one!"

<Judge Graham>
  Narrator: Judge Graham specializes in food for those who want to lower their
            intake of fat (and taste).
  Judge Graham: Oh, we never enter into idle conversation with ordinary people.
                We're brought here at great expense, you know, just to judge,
                never associate. No, goodness, no!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Narrator: Just place your Cook-Off Entry directly on the food conveyor belt.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (after winning)
  Narrator: There's no use to try again, Larry. It's over. No more. Done.

<Judge Graham's Computer>
  Narrator: Judge Graham enters the results of his taste testing into this
            computer in numerical form. His score is only one-third of the

<Judge Julia>
  Narrator: Judge Julia has never met a dessert she didn't like, or a quiche,
            or a souffle, or a... whatever.
  Judge Julia: Yes, darling, I know you'd love to talk to me, but the judges
               here are forbidden from fraternizing with the prisoners, er, I
               mean, contestants.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Narrator: Just place your Cook-Off Entry directly on the food conveyor belt.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (after winning)
  Narrator: There's no use to try again, Larry. It's over. No more. Done.

<Judge Julia's Computer>
  Narrator: Judge Julia enters her scores into this computer. All the judges'
            scores are then combined to determine your final score.

<Judge Paul>
  Narrator: Judge Paul is obviously fond of food, his own, his competitors',
  Judge Paul: There ain't nothing you're goin' to do that will make me change
              anything about my opinion of your cooking. I don't even care if I
              haven't tasted it. I still know my cookin's best. Go on!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Narrator: Just place your Cook-Off Entry directly on the food conveyor belt.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (after winning)
  Narrator: There's no use to try again, Larry. It's over. No more. Done.

<Judge Paul's Computer>
  Narrator: Judge Paul's computer is covered with Tabasco stains.

                        Library                                      G0828


<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of shipwreck and rescue on the high seas,
            "Leisure Suit Larry Fills His Rubber Dinghy with Seamen!"
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of exploration on the high seas, "Leisure
            Suit Larry Lands A Ho!"
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of adventure on the high seas, "Leisure
            Suit Larry Spends A Night Hoisting the Old Yardarm."
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of whaling and wailing, "Leisure Suit Larry
            in Thar She Blows!"
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of daily life at sea, Leisure Suit Larry's
            "Ship Happens!"
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of the world's largest cruise ship,
            "Leisure Suit Larry Takes An Enormous Ship."
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of sailing seamen: "Leisure Suit Larry in
            Blow The Man Down."
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of rebellion at sea: "Leisure Suit Larry in
            Mutant He On The Bounty."
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  Narrator: It's the thrilling tale of interpersonal relationships at sea: "Yo!
            Ho! Blow the Man Down!"
  Narrator: Nah. You've already read this one.

<A Book>
  You think: Hmm. What's this? A book on that great aircraft manufacturer.
             "Fokker: More Than Just An Airplane!"
  *If you have not met Drew yet*
  You think: By someone named Drew Baringmore, whoever HE is.
  *If you have met Drew*
  You think: AND it's by Drew Baringmore!
  You think: I think I'll scan a little of this first to see if it's something
             I want to read in depth...
  You think: I think I'll scan a little of this first to see if it's something
             I want to read in depth...
  Narrator: Anton Herman Gerard Fokker was born in 1890 in Java. At an early
            age he began an airplane manufacturing business in Germany. During
            World War One his factories produced triplanes and biplanes. He
            revolutionized aerial warfare in 1915 by mounting a machine gun on
            the front of a airplane, then synchronized the gun so it would fire
            through the blades of the plane's propeller instead of shooting
            them off. After the war he turned to developing commercial
            aircraft. In 1922 he moved to the United States, where he died in
  *If you have not met Drew yet*
  You think: (Yawn.) I don't think so.
  *If you have met Drew*
  You think: No woman, even a totally naked one, is worth reading THAT!

<A Book>
  Narrator: Hmm, what's this. A children's science book entitled "Fun With
  You think: I think I'll scan a little of this first to see if it's something
             I want to read in depth...
  You think: I think I'll scan a little of this first to see if it's something
             I want to read in depth...
  Narrator: In 1823, English physicist William Sturgeon, at age 40, devised the
            first electromagnet. He insulated an iron bar by painting it with
            thick varnish, wrapped copper wire around the bar, then connected
            the wire to a "voltaic pile"...
  You think: I think I once had voltaic piles!
  Narrator: ...connected it to a voltaic pile, and created a crude
            electromagnet that could lift pounds of iron.
  Narrator: You too can have fun with electromagnets. Wrap any iron bar with
            wire and apply electricity and WHEE! You're having Fun...with
  You think: I think I'll pass on this one. Geez. Don't they have anything with
             steamy, raw, yet sensitive and meaningful, sex?
  Narrator: Why do you think all the other shelves are bare?!
  *after winning horseshoe competition*
  You think: Hey! That's what I did... to the horseshoe stake!

  Narrator: There's a desk over there behind the bookcase.

<Diving Helmet>
  Narrator: While we all know how much you love to go down, Larry, you won't be
            doing any diving on THIS journey.

<Empty Shelf>
  Narrator: The library is nearly bare.
  Narrator: You reach over to the empty shelf and grab a lovely handful of air.
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Narrator: You COULD file that book on the shelf, but you don't know the Dewey
            Decimal Code for "smut!"

  Narrator: You've heard guys in the locker room talk about going "around the

<Grandmother Clock>
  Narrator: A clock with a pendulum is not a good idea on a ship.

<Stuffed Beaver>
  Narrator: We asked our loyal Leisure Suit Larry fans what they most wanted to
            see in the next Larry game. And here it is!
  Narrator: You don't know where that beaver has been!
  Narrator: You love the feel of a good beaver, don't you, Larry?
  Narrator: That reminds you of the dirtiest line in 1950's television.
  You: You mean what June Cleaver said to Ward?
  Narrator: Yes. "Dear, weren't you a little hard on the beaver last night?"
  Narrator: Stuffed or not, you're a man with a mission!
  Narrator: You never change, Larry. You always would take any beaver you could
 <Use » "Prudish and Proud" Book Jacket>
  Narrator: He doesn't need your jacket...he's wearing a fur coat!

<Sub in a Bottle>
  Narrator: Someone must have pushed hard to get his big submarine into that
            tiny hole!
  You think: Nah. I already have something long and hard and filled with sea
  Narrator: Well. Up periscope!

<Tiffany Lamp>
  Narrator: Tiffany Lamp... wasn't she the star of that Super-8 porn movie you
            used to have?

Prude Vicki Library:

<Counter Things>
  Narrator: Talk about anal retentive...
  You: Were we?
  Narrator: It's just a figure of speech, Larry.
  You: Oh.
  Narrator: Forget it; let's just say Victorian keeps a tidy counter!
  Narrator: You have no desire... for that.

<Dried Flowers>
  Narrator: An attractive dried flower arrangement graces Victorian's wall.

<Dull Book>
  Narrator: This book is entitled, "Intensity Through Dullness."

<Dull Book>
  Narrator: This book is entitled, "Prosaic and Uninspired: My Way of Life Can
            Now Be Yours Too"

<Dull Book>
  Narrator: This book is entitled, "Stodgy Is As Stodgy Does."

<Dull Book>
  Narrator: This book is entitled, "Monotonous and Tedious: How to Meet Boring

  Narrator: Not enough people refer to paste as mucilage any more.
  Victorian: You aren't thinking of fingering my mucilage, are you?
  You: Who, me? Oh, no.
 <Take> (while Victorian checks for a book)
  Narrator: You never know when something should be more sticky!

<Victorian's Body>
  Narrator: Her creamy thighs lurking deep within a conservative dress,
            Victorian Principles is a textbook case of repressed sexuality.

<Victorian's Book>
 <Look> (having placed erotic book with prudish cover)
  Narrator: You can't wait until she reads your "special" book. (Perhaps she's
            just waiting for you to leave?)
 <Look> (having placed erotic book)
  Narrator: Didn't you place that book on her "to be read" pile?
  Narrator: You don't want to take it... you want Victorian to read it!
 <Take> (after placing real erotic book and returning)
  You: What did you think of THIS book, Victorian?
  Victorian: Oh, my goodness! I never read literature like that! That's
             shocking. At least, I know I'm shocked.
  You think: Looks like she didn't even open it.

<Victorian's Chest>
  Narrator: Her ample bosoms securely pinned beneath her stout corset,
            Victorian Principles is a smoldering cauldron of pent-up sexuality.
  You think: Wouldn't I love to roam through those stacks!

<Victorian's Calendar>
  Narrator: Isn't that sweet? A little girl and her pussy.

<Victorian's Computer>
  Narrator: Victorian's computer is as conservative as she. DOS 2.1 indeed!

<Victorian's Curtains>
  Narrator: These curtains match Victorian precisely: conservative, stable,
  dull and boring -- and yet, well-made, trim, and nicely hung, too.

<Victorian's Eyes>
  Narrator: Her enticing eyes suppressed behind scholarly horn-rimmed glasses,
            Victorian Principles is an bubbling cauldron of sexuality.

<Victorian's Face>
  Narrator: Her classic bone structure uncolored by make-up or other artificial
            enhancments, Victorian Principles is a steamy teakettle of
            repressed sexuality.

<Victorian's Hair>
  Narrator: Her long luxurious auburn hair trapped in a stifling bun, Victorian
            Principles is a simmering sauce pot who never "lets down her hair."

<Victorian's Lamp>
  Narrator: Victorian has a petite incandescent lamp here, for her late night
            work sessions.

<Victorian's Pen>
  Narrator: Even Victorian's pen is in perfect alignment.

<Victorian's Photographs>
  Narrator: Isn't that sweet? Victorian keeps photos of her family on her
            computer table.

<Victorian's Rubber Stamps>
  Narrator: You've been known to pound a few in your day... but not rubber

<Victorian's Tea Set>
  Narrator: Yes, Victorian has quite a set.

<"Prudish and Proud">
  Narrator: "Prudish and Proud" Yes, this gal brings new meaning to the word
            "up tight!"
  You think: Hey! (Up. Tight. Yeah.) Isn't that two words?
  Narrator: All right: she's a tight ass, okay?!
 <Look> (while she is checking your request)
  Narrator: While she's looking the other way, let's just see what she's
            reading. Borrrrr-ing!
  Victorian: I'm sorry, sir. I'm reading that particular book.
  You: Oh. Is it good?
  Victorian: Oh, well of course, sir. If it weren't, I wouldn't read it.
 <Take> (while she is checking your request)
  You think: Maybe I can just slip this out of here while she's not looking...
  Narrator: Congratulations, Fagin. Now what?

<Victorian Principles>
  Narrator: Victorian Principles looks like she's spent her whole life reading.
            But, all librarians are closet nymphomaniacs. It's a well-known
  You think: It is? They are?!
  Narrator: It is in your dreams!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  Victorian: Let's see now. We're not doing too well, are we?
 <Use » Photo ID Keycard>
  Victorian: Your room? Hardly. I've seen the engine room. It's not great. In
             fact, it's a long way from great!
 <Use » Dirty Pictures>
  Victorian: Oh! That's horrible! Was that you? Maybe I'd better take anoth...
             no, never mind! Just keep it.
 <Use » Mucilage>
  You think: I'd better not. It doesn't make sense to give back something I
             "borrowed" fair and square.
 <Use » Sticky Photograph>
  Victorian: This is strange. It's like someone spread mucilage on the back of
 <Use » Photo ID>
  Victorian: That's you, isn't it? But what's wrong with the lighting... the
             composition... and... is that another person's body? Naked? No, it
             couldn't be. Not in the same frame as you.
 <Use » Passport>
  Victorian: Yes, I have one of those too... somewhere. And my picture isn't
             very good either.
 <Use » Custodial Key>
  Victorian: Are you supposed to have that key? That looks like a ship key.
 <Use » Suitcase>
  Victorian: Going somewhere?
 <Use » "Prudish and Proud">
  Victorian: How did you get that? Did it fall off the counter? Thanks for
             picking it up for me. I'll just leave it here.
 <Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
  Victorian: Oh, my goodness! I never read literature like that! That's
             shocking. At least, I know I'm shocked.
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Victorian: I don't usually wear hose.
 <Use » Silicone Lubricant>
  Victorian: Sometimes I spray that on my drawers. Oh, no. I didn't mean... Ah.
             I'm sorry.
 <Use » Heat Lamp Bulb>
  Victorian: My cabin already has a nice reading lamp.
 <Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
  Victorian: Our library doesn't have any books on lights like that, but you
             may find something of interest in our electricity section.
 <Use » Remote Control>
  Victorian: I'm not that good with technology. My computer and its high speed
             satellite T1 Internet connection is about all I can handle.
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  Victorian: Isn't this just the cheapest paper you've ever seen? I always buy
             mine in port, whenever we pull into Mexico. I find theirs to be
             quite consistent.
 <Use » Souvenir Dice>
  Victorian: Snappy souvenir.
 <Use » Shaved Dice>
  Victorian: Books on gambling cheats? All checked out.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Victorian: No, thank you. I just ate.
 <Use » Quiche de Larry
  Victorian: No, thank you. I just ate.
 <Use » Orgasmic Powder>
  Victorian: I have no idea what that could be used for. What does it say Oh!
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Victorian: That looks dangerous. Are you allowed sharp objects?
 <Use » Polyester Cloth>
  Victorian: If we ever paint the library and I need to cover up all my
             bookcases, I'll be sure to call you.
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Victorian: Oh, my! I had no idea such products even existed. How
 <Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
  Victorian: You didn't blow your nose in that, did you?
 <Use » Treated Handkerchief>
  Victorian: Ick. What's on this?
 <Use » Wad o' Dough>
  Victorian: I have no need for cash. All my expenses are covered by the cruise
 <Use » Magazine Page>
  Victorian: I certainly hope this wasn't one of our library's magazines!
             Someone just tore this page right out. Poor magazine.

*Responses for random book requests*
 Victorian: Just a moment. Let me look that up for you.
 Victorian: No, we don't seem to have anything on that!
 Victorian: No, that book is checked out.
 Victorian: I'm sorry, but everything we have on that topic is gone.
 Victorian: No. I find nothing on THAT in our computer.
 Victorian: Our Intranet contains nothing on that topic.
 Victorian: We have one book on that, but the Captain is reading it.

*Requesting book from her desk*
 Victorian: Excuse me, Mr. Laffer, but that book is checked out...to me!
 You: Why, where did that come from?
 Victorian: My desk.
 You: Oh. Here.
 Victorian: Thanks.
 You: Toodle-loo.

Talking to Prude Vicki:

<First Meeting>
 You: Excuse me, Miss?
 Victorian: That's Mizz... Victorian Principles.
 You: Nice to meet you. My name is Larry; Larry Laffer.
 Victorian: Oh, I so love dual first names. One cruise I met Boutros Boutros
<Subsequential Meetings>
 You: Hi ya, Vicki!
 Victorian: Yes? Oh, it's you again.
<Captain Thygh>
 You: What can you tell me about the ship's captain, that Ms. Thygh?
 Victorian: I know she's an excellent boss. I never see her. For some reason,
            she seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in her cabin.
            Paperwork, I presume.
 You: Uh, yeah. Right.
<The weather>
 You: Tickle your ass with a feather?
 Victorian: What did you say?!
 You: I said, "Particularly nasty weather!"
 Victorian: Oh. Really.
 You: Did I mention my name is Larry? Now would you like to have sex?
 Victorian: You're disgusting! You'll never get anywhere with me, you pathetic
 You: Are you the ship's librarian?
 Victorian: Yes, I am. Do you see something you'd like to... "check out?"
 You: Oh, I'm sure you have "something" I could explore... "in depth."
 Victorian: All righty. What is your cabin number?
 You: Whoa, babe. Slow down. And women say I'M fast!
 Victorian: Fast? Sir, we check out books by cabin number here.
 You: Oh. Zero.
 Victorian: Zero? Tight budget?
 You: No, you see... aw, you don't want to know!
 Victorian: Correct.
<Good books>
 You: So? Ya got any good books?
 Victorian: Oh, many kinds. Unfortunately, you're a little late. All the really
            good ones are already gone.
 You think: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
<Your book>
 You: How's your book?
 Victorian: Oh, quite uplifting. I so enjoy books affirming sound moral
            principles, don't you?
 You: Oh, uh...yes! Yes, I do. But don't you ever read anything... spicier?
 Victorian: Oh, no. Those books don't appeal to me. All that panting and
            groping that... raw animal passion that... ...well, it just
            encourages the wrong sort of thoughts. No, I only expose myself to
            great literature.
 You think: I wish I was some great literature...
 You: Yeah, great literature... yeah.
<Check out>
 You: What about these?
<Dewey Decimal System>
 You: 945.3 471.24 198.33
 Victorian: What are you doing?
 You: Whaddaya think? Whispering Dewey decimal numbers to you! Turn you on?
 Victorian: Hardly. I've filed them all!
 You: But what do you do for entertainment?
 Victorian: Well, I start at one end of the bookcase and read my way through to
            the other. Unfortunately, I'm now on my third pass through most of
<Pile of books>
 You: How about the books in this pile on your counter?
 Victorian: Oh, those? Those are already checked out... to me!
 You: That's a lot of reading for one cruise.
 Victorian: Not for me. I'll finish those tonight... in bed.
<Go to bed>
 You: Would you like to know what I plan to do... tonight... in bed?
 Victorian: I'll vote: "sleep?"
<Shipboard life>
 You: Cruise ship life looks like an endless vacation! Don't you just love it?
 Victorian: Sure, it's perfect... if perfect means knowing that every day
            you're going to have exactly the same food you had that day last
            week, it's perfect.
 You: But, all the fun, the night life, the non-stop partying?
 Victorian: Oh, well, not for us crew members. For us, it's more like never
            being able to leave the office!
 You: I've never been much of a reader, Vicki. I'm more of a lover.
 Victorian: I'm more of a lover of reading.
<Drew Baringmore>
 You: Do you know anything about a "Drew Baringmore?"
 Victorian: The famous author? But, of course. I'm sure we have at least one of
            her books here in the library. But it may be checked out.
<Pick up line>
 You: How about me whispering a few Dewey decimal numbers in your ear,
 Victorian: As if I haven't heard THAT line before! Men. You're all alike.
<Generic Response>
 Victorian: Oh, I don't know anything at all about that. But I'm willing to
 You: Nice talking to you, Victorian. Perhaps I'll stop by later.
 Victorian: All righty, then. Good day.

Wild Vicki Library:

<Counter Things>
  Narrator: Vicki's taste has certainly changed since you first met her.
  Narrator: Take it? Are you kidding? Most of this stuff scares the crap out of

<Gerbil Cage>
  Narrator: Would you give up Cindy Crawford for a gerbil?

  Narrator: Vicki looks like she's spent her whole life seducing innocent
            travelers. That book of yours really had some effect!

<Vicki's Banana Peel>
  Narrator: You hate to think where THAT'S been! 

<Vicki's Battery>
  Narrator: You get a charge from the new improved Vicki without the need for
            external power!

<Vicki's Blinds>
  Narrator: A woman like this could MAKE you go blind!

<Vicki's Body>
  Narrator: You enjoy staring at my body, don't you?
  You: Uh huh un huh un huh...
  Narrator: Well, then, go right ahead. It turns me on too.

<Vicki's Chest>
  You think: Where have you been all my life?
 <Look> (after sex)
  You think: Hmm. That reminds me. I wonder where I left my ear muffs?

<Vicki's Calendar>
  Narrator: She's even changed her calendar!

<Vicki's Candle>
  Narrator: That candle isn't the only thing dripping around here.

<Vicki's Cat o' Nine Tails>
  Narrator: Some guys like stuff like that, but you've always been more of a
            macho, domineering, studly type. Or, that's what you'd like to

<Vicki's Curtains>
  Narrator: It could be curtains for you if Vicki ever gets ahold of Little

<Vicki's Eyes>
  Narrator: Her enticing eyes no longer suppressed behind her scholarly horn-
            rimmed glasses, the all-new Revised Standard Vicki is a boiled-over
            cauldron of sexuality.

<Vicki's Face>
  Narrator: Her classic bone structure enhanced by make-up (and her other
            classic structures suitably unenhanced by anything), the new Vicki
            is bubbling over right before your very eyes!

<Vicki's Hair>
  Narrator: Her long auburn hair cascading down her shoulders, hot Vicki has
            finally become a woman who knows how to let down her hair.

<Vicki's Mucilage>
  Narrator: Mucilage? Isn't there enough sticky stuff on this counter?
  Narrator: Sure, why not take it? There's plenty of sticky stuff here!

<Vicki's Red Light>
  Narrator: The red light seems superflous, wouldn't you think?

<Vicki's Rubber Chicken>
  Narrator: A rubber chicken is always good for a few laughs.

<Vicki's Rubber Glove>
  Narrator: Thank God that rubber glove is inflated and otherwise unused!

<Vicki's Rubber Stamps>
  Narrator: Once the only rubber Vicki was into was stamps!

<Vicki's Saddle>
  Narrator: You don't even want to know how Vicki uses that saddle.

<Vicki's Sexy Book>
  Narrator: "Bimbo Cheerleaders in Outer Space"

<Vicki's Trapeze>
  Narrator: You've always wanted to try one of those. Something tells you that
            this time you just might!

<Vicki's Whip>
  Narrator: It's better to be the whip-poor than the whip-pee!

<Vicki's Whipped Cream>
  Narrator: Little Larry loves whipped cream!

<Sexy Book>
  Narrator: "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Didn't Have
            The Balls To Find Out For Yourself Through Experience)"

<Sexy Book>
  Narrator: This is that sailing masterpiece, "A Sail of Two Titties" by
            Charles Dickin'.

<Sexy Book>
  Narrator: "A Field Guide to Pornography," by M. U. Schwantz.

<The Amiga of Love>
  Narrator: Oh, no! She's playing Leisure Suit Larry 6!

Talking to Wild Vicki:
<Use » TMT Scorecard>
 Victorian: I'm an employee... and employees aren't allowed Thygh's Man Trophy

<First Encounter>
 You: Excuse me, Miss. Didn't you used to be the ship's librarian?
 Victorian: I still am! So, is that a library book in your pocket or are you
            just glad to see me?
<Subequent Encounters>
 You: I'm back!
 Victorian: So you are.
 You: My name is Larry. Want to have sex?
 Victorian: Sure!
<The weather>
 You: Particularly nasty weather?
 Victorian: Of course, you may... and what's more, I'll help you!
 You: But what do you do for entertainment?
 Victorian: Oh, I start at one end of the male passengers and work my way
            through to the other. Unfortunately, I'm now on my third pass
            through most of them.
 You: Didn't you used to wear glasses, Victorian?
 Victorian: Yeah, but now they keep fogging up on me! But you know, Larry,
            without my glasses, you look pretty good.
 You think: I look even better in the dark!
<Pile of books>
 You: My god, Vicki, I didn't know books like that were legal!
 Victorian: Oh, those? Those are nothing... you should see what's in my cabin.
 You think: I promise not to refuse!
<Shipboard life>
 You: I bet life aboard a cruise ship is like an endless vacation! Don't you
      just love it?
 Victorian: Sure, it's perfect... if perfect means knowing that every day
            you're going to have exactly the same men you had every day last
 You: But, all the fun, the night life, the non-stop partying?
 Victorian: Oh, not for me. It's more like working in an office. 
 You: I've never been much of a reader, Vicki. I'm more of a lover.
 Victorian: I'm more of a reading lover.
<Pick up line>
 You: How about me whispering a few Dewey decimal numbers in your ear, Vicki?
 Victorian: As if I haven't heard THAT line before! Men. You're all alike. You
            don't need a pick-up line. Just ask me!
 Victorian: I don't know about that, but I do know something else!

*after sex*
<Love master>
 You: Let's see how you do on the old "LoveMaster 2000!"
 Victorian: Oh, good idea. But, it won't work. I'm an employee... and employees
            aren't allowed Thygh's Man Trophy scorecards.
 You: But... I have a card. You could use mine!
 Victorian: Well... I don't know...
 You: No self-confidence, eh?
 Victorian: You're on!
<Prove it>
 You: There must be SOME way to test your theory that you're the most sexually-
      competant person aboard ship.
 Victorian: Oh, really? How?
 You: Ya know, you are the greatest, baby! Ka-chunk, ka-chunk.
 Victorian: Yeah, right; nice line. No, really. Since you left, I've done
            nothing but read about sex and now I'm the most sexually-
            knowledgeable person on this ship.
 You: Oh, really? I'd like to see you prove that!
 Victorian: Yeah, I bet you would. No, I'll not prove it with you. I know now:
            you just weren't that good.

*after sex and LoveMaster 2000*
<Love master>
 You: Well, Vicki, you did it! You were amazing.
 Victorian: I was, wasn't I? The first perfect score in the history of the
 You: Waddaya say you share your knowledge with me?
 Victorian: God knows you could use the help! But I'm not a teacher, just a

 Victorian: Larry, it's time to turn my literary research into action!
 You: Well, yes, I could see that, I'd certainly like to help out, I could
      offer my services...
 You: Whooaaaww!
 You: Oh!
 You: Wow!
 You: Yeow!
 You: Yessss!
 You: Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy!
 You: Yippee-I-yo-kay-eh!
 You: Burp me like I'm Tupperware!
 Victorian: Oh.
 Victorian: Oh, God. Yes! Oh, Larry! You're bringing out my inner woman!
 Victorian: Yes! Oh, yes! Such an animal! I didn't know you could have this
            much fun behind a desk!
 Victorian: Oh, Larry!
 Victorian: Ooooooooh.
 You: Oh. Now what am I gonna do, Vicki? 
 Victorian: What more is left TO do, Lar-Lar?
 You: I mean my clothes! How can I get back to my room naked?!
 Victorian: Oh, don't worry, Lar. I can loan you a "jacket."

                        Best Dressed Competition Area                G0829

<CyberFashion 2000>
  Narrator: This giant, 3-D, holographic scanner uses exotic lavender-light
            lasers to wrap completely around anything placed on the scanning
  You think: Lavender?
  Narrator: Listen, it's a fashion thing, okay?

<CyberFashion 2000 Console>
  Narrator: This console contains the ship's CyberFashion 2000 computer which
            uses powerful state-of-the-art massively-parallel neural-net
            processing to determine a person's stylishness quotient. Its 3-D
            scanner synthesizes images from a circular scanning platform and
            displays them on a high-resolution, 2048x2048, 32-bit color
            monitor. The CPU compares the scanned image with terabytes of
            trendy fashion data stored on the giant tape drives in the
            background. After computing the stylishness quotient to within one
            one-thousandth of one percent, it transmits the resulting score to
            the ship's central competition computer and simultaneously reports
            it here in the Fashion Competition Chamber through a 88k, 64-bit,
            128x-oversampled, THX-certified voice synthesis system. (Whew!)
  Narrator: Be careful touching this, Larry. You wouldn't want to start a
            nuclear war.

  Narrator: There must be some reason for that mannequin to be located where it
            is... and in that position.
  You think: Yeah, and for that considerable bulge inside his fly!
  Narrator: This is really why you bought this game, isn't it?

<Mannequin's Fly>
  Narrator: The zipper on that mannequin's fly appears to be operational.
  You: Let's just see what this guy's got...
  Narrator: Whew! What a place to hide a card reader!
  Ship's Announcer: Your score is: two.
 <Unzip> (after fashion show)
  Ship's Announcer: Your score is: 100. Whoa! 100?! A perfect score? Cool! You
  Narrator: Ah, the irony. You haven't changed a whit, yet you now precisely
            match the latest fashion trend! But... give those designers a few
            months. Soon enough, you'll once again be unhip!
 <Use » TMT Scorecard>
  You: Let's just see what this guy's got...
  Narrator: Whew! What a place to hide a card reader!
  Ship's Announcer: Your score is: two.
 <Use » TMT Scorecard> (after fashion show)
  Ship's Announcer: Your score is: 100. Whoa! 100?! A perfect score? Cool! You
  Narrator: Ah, the irony. You haven't changed a whit, yet you now precisely
            match the latest fashion trend! But... give those designers a few
            months. Soon enough, you'll once again be unhip!

  Narrator: Images scanned by the circular scanning platform are displayed on
            this high-resolution monitor.
 <Look> (after scanning)
  Narrator: Hey, that's you!

<Scanning Platform>
  Narrator: This platform is directly below the giant, 3-D, holographic

<Tape Drive>
  Narrator: Each of these tape drives is capable of holding well over a
            terabyte of data. And yet, you know, someday soon, it'll take two
            of these just to hold Microsoft Office!

                        Pinsetter Hold                               G0830

<Bowling Pin Hopper>
  Narrator: This hopper stores the bowling pins after they've been carved by
            the beavers in another hold, then sanded by... oh, never mind how
            they're made. Suffice it to say, these are the bowling pins!
 <Use » Silicone Lubricant>
  Narrator: Making them slippery should make them even harder to hit!
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  Narrator: You could pour the beaver milk on the pins... but why?
 <Use » Carving Knife>
  Narrator: You want to carve the bowling pins into something? No.
 <Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
  Narrator: That's close, but what good would it do to make them explode down
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Narrator: Good idea. You slyly open the hopper door, and spray the entire can
            of deodorant all over the bowling pins. 
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  Narrator: Oh, once is more than enough.

  Narrator: This beaver hauls pins from the beaver hold below to the hopper's
            elevator ramp. In reward, he receives a few pellets of Beaver Chow.

  Narrator: The PMS Bouncy is filled with these plastic beaver trails.

<Hopper Door>
  Narrator: This door provides access to the thousands of bowling pins the PMS
            Bouncy goes through every day.
  Narrator: It IS unlocked. But what would you do inside a hopper full of
            bowling pins?
 <Use » Deodorant Spray>
  *scene of Larry spraying*

<Pellet Hopper>
  Narrator: This hopper contains loads of fresh green Beaver Chow... just like
            Mother used to gnaw!

<Pin Cart>
  Narrator: The cart hauls bowling pins from other storage hoppers to the pin
            holder, which then raises them to the deck above.

<Pin Setting Machine>
  Narrator: Rube Goldberg would have been proud. (For that matter, so would
            Jeff Tunnell!) But doesn't it seem like a lot of trouble just to
            automatically set bowling pins?

                        Pinsetter Bulkhead Door                      G0831

  Narrator: The door has a small plaque with the words, "Automatic Pinsetter
            Hold -- Crewmembers Only!"

  Narrator: You can't. It's locked.
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard / Photo ID Keycard>
  Narrator: You try, but your keycard does nothing on this door. Which makes
            sense, since it doesn't have a card reader, it's got a keyhole!
 <Use » Custodial Key>

  Narrator: Beneath the floor's open steel mesh run several pipes... kind of
            like your Uncle Ray.

  Narrator: The handle looks unlocked.
  Narrator: You turn the handle and find out that looks can be deceiving.

  Narrator: The ceiling has many exposed pipes... kind of like your Uncle

  Narrator: You can't see inside, because the porthole in the door is extremely
            dirty, kind of like your Uncle Jerry.
  Narrator: Holding your ear to the porthole, you think you hear the sounds of
            squealing and gnawing -- kind of like your Uncle Bud.

                        Cabin 510 (Dewmi Moore's Cabin)              G0832

During Strip Liar's Dice:

  Narrator: The anchor reminds you of the disastrous cruise you took in
            "Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking for Love (In Several Wrong
            Places)," available at your local software store, in that special
            bin those pimple- faced, minimum-wage slave geeks keep under the

<Dewmi Moore>
  Narrator: Dewmi Moore is as luscious as... something really luscious.
 <Look> (after losing some clothes?)
  Narrator: Dewmi Moore looks like the kind of girl you'd bring home to
            Mother... assuming your Mother was Heidi Fleiss!
<Use » Carving Knife>
 Dewmi: Threaten me? I think not! Can't you see I've got a pair of loaded 38's
        pointed right at you?
 You think: I wouldn't mind taking a bullet for the President!
<Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
 Dewmi: Larry. Control yourself.

<Dewmi's Chest>
  Narrator: Play your dice right and you just might get to spend some "quality
            time" in there.

<Dewmi's Dice Cup>
  Narrator: This area is Dewmi's dice cup. Her dice are usually hidden, unless
            one of you challenges the bid.

<Dewmi's Drink>
  You think: Now I know why Dewmi always has drinks with big umbrellas.
  Narrator: Dewmi drinks "Colossal Hump" exclusively.

<Dewmi's Face>
  Narrator: Something about that look on Dewmi's face makes you believe she
            doesn't always tell the truth!

<Dewmi's Hair>
  Narrator: How you'd enjoy seeing that hair spread out across your lap!

<Dewmi's Legs>
  Narrator: You carefully consider spending the rest of your natural-born days
            between them. 
  You think: Whoa! What a way to go!

<Dewmi's Lips>
  Narrator: Can't you just picture those lips wrapped around a "gigantic
  You think: Well, I was kinda hopin' she'd stay with me!
  Narrator: The drink, Larry! The reference was to that mixed drink down in the

<Dewmi's Lost Dice Area>
  Narrator: This area is where Dewmi stores any dice she loses during the game.

<Dewmi's Tub For Two>
  Narrator: I wonder if we'll go in there before, or after?

<Disco Ball>
  Narrator: A disco ball is exactly the touch of class this room needs.

  Narrator: The ship must have bought these cheap plastic flowers at the same
            place La Costa Lotta bought the ones in "Leisure Suit Larry 6:
            Shape Up or Slip Out," available from the kind of software stores
            your mother warned you about.

<Glass Table>
  Narrator: Now you see clearly: a glass-topped table is perfect for playing
            games involving "stripping."

  Narrator: You may not know much about art, but you know what you like.
  You think: Art, schmart; look at those gazongas!
  Narrator: Case closed.

  Narrator: Strangely enough, his name is Ethel.

<Shown Dice Area>
  Narrator: This is where you and Dewmi show your dice when you want to
            dissuade the other from challenging your bid.

<Your Dice Cup>
 <Narrator: This area is your dice cup. But don't worry, Dewmi can't see inside

<Your Lost Dice Area>
  Narrator: This area is where you store any dice you lose during the game.

Talking to Dewmi (during the game):
<generic responses>
 Dewmi: Ya wanna play or ya wanna jaw?
 Dewmi: You are more than just a little strange...
 You: I never see you down in the casino.
 Dewmi: Oh, I hang around. Waiting. Watching.
 You: So, you must be a pretty good gambler?
 Dewmi: I'm better at a sure thing!
<The Internet>
 You: So what do you think of the Internet? 
 Dewmi: Oh, it's been hanging there ever since I got here.
<Pick up line>
 You: Dewmi, baby, how about we go back to your cab... oh, uh, never mind!
 Dewmi: You are more than just a little strange....
 You: What do you say we cut to the chase, Dewmi! I'm tired of playing this
 Dewmi: Certainly not, Larry. A deal's a deal. Of course, if you want to just
        leave all your money here....
<Strip Dice>
 You: Hey? Is this a real game?
 Dewmi: It is to you, Larry, `cause I expect to get everything you've got.
 You: What's the best strategy for winning this game, Dewmi? 
 Dewmi: Easy. Never bet higher than you have. Never guess that I have something
        you need. Never assume I have any wild bulls-eyes.
 You: You're lying, aren't you?
 Dewmi: That's the name of the game.

After winning game:

  Narrator: Wait! Could it be? Does the bottom of the blotter have a secret
            coded message written in lemon juice? No.

  Narrator: How festive. The natives decorate their staterooms with boats!
  Narrator: Silly Larry! You're already "taking" a ship.
  You think: Watch that enunciation!

<Bottle of Powder>
  Narrator: Dewmi's bottle of Orgasmic Powder is either half empty or... no,
            it's definitely half empty.
  Narrator: The bottle's pungent aroma reminds you of that drink Dewmi gave
            you; the one you drank just before your little... experience.
  You: I'd better be careful; this is the bottle that nearly Dewmi in!
  Narrator: Ouch!

  Narrator: That's the chair SHE sat in.

<Dewmi's Chest>
  Narrator: The chest turns out to be nothing more than a block of Styrofoam,
            merely painted to resemble a chest. But as you are examining it, it
            tips forward and under it you find... nothing. However, hidden
            between the chest and the wall you find... nothing. But then you
            examine the back of the chest and you find... nothing.
  You think: Damn! That Al Lowe has no respect whatsoever for adventure game

<Dewmi's Tub>
  Narrator: It's no wonder you were freezing cold when you woke up here -- it's
            not a hot tub at all; it's a giant wine chiller.

<Dewmi Moore's Bed>
  Narrator: Now that Dewmi's not here, the bed doesn't look quite so inviting.

<Glass Table>
  Narrator: Now you see clearly: a glass-topped table is perfect for playing
            games involving "stripping."

<Light String>
  Narrator: How festive. The natives decorate their stateroom boats with
  Narrator: While a light string may come in handy, this one is not remote

  You: I gotta get a couple of these.
  Narrator: A couple of statues?
  You: Not exactly.

  You: Know how that merman statue answers the phone?
  Narrator: Al Lowe? Statue?

  Narrator: Now that's quite a pair!
  You: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
  Narrator: Of PORTholes, Larry! Portholes!
  Narrator: You decide not to open the porthole since you no longer have to

<Side Table>
  Narrator: There's nothing on that side table that interests you.

  Narrator: Yes, there's always enough time to stop... and smell the plastic

Return to Dewmi's Moore's cabin after losing all your money and not having won
at craps since:

 Dewmi: Who is it?
 You: It's me, Dewmi.
 Dewmi: That can't be. I'M Dewmi!
 You: It is I, Larry Laffer.
 Dewmi: Oh. Why didn't you say so? Did you bring money?
 You: No.
 Dewmi: Goodbye.

Return to Dewmi's Moore's cabin after losing all your money and having won at
craps since:

 Dewmi: Who is it?
 You: It's me. Larry. Larry Laffer. Remember?
 Dewmi: Sure. You still broke?
 You: No, baby. I'm loaded and ready for love.
 Dewmi: I'll fix that! Come on in.

Start The Game Of Liar's Dice:

 Dewmi: How 'bout a drink, Larry?
 You: You know, I'm not really that thirsty right now!
 Dewmi: Okay. Sit down.
 Dewmi: Make yourself comfortable, Larry.
 You: Great! Mind if I kick off my shoes?
 Dewmi: Ummmm...sure. Do you know how  to play strip Liar's Dice, Larry?
 You: No...but I'm sure I'll pick it up. Let's go!
 Dewmi: We'll play with what we've got on right now, OK?
 You: Sure!
 Dewmi: All right. Let's roll!

Losing Clothes:

 Dewmi: I think I'll start with my shoe.
 You: Hey, I kicked off my shoes before we started.
 Dewmi: Didn't we agree we'd play with what we had on?
 You: Yeah...I suppose so.
 Dewmi: And now the other shoe.
 You: I've been waiting for that one to drop.
 Dewmi: Looks like this skirt will have to go.
 You think: Never again will I doubt the power of prayer.
 Dewmi: I suppose I'll... sell off my blouse.
 You: Now we're getting somewhere! Hubba hubba! Whoo hooo!
 Dewmi: Larry. Control yourself.
 Dewmi: Darn...I need to lose another piece of clothing.
 You: Oh! Pinch me, I'm dreaming.
 Dewmi: Silly me, I forgot about my earrings.
 You: What?
 Dewmi: It's clothing! I'm wearing it, aren't I?
 You: Yeah, but I don't wear earrings.
 Dewmi: Are you saying that you're not man enough to allow a poor, frail woman
        a little handicap?
 You: No...I guess not.
 Dewmi: You're a prince, Larry.
 You: That's not what I would call it!
 Dewmi: And here goes the other earring. Getting excited, Larry?
 You: Ecstatic.
 Dewmi: Well, I guess it's the bra or the panties. I just don't know. I've...
        never gone this far before. I'm so embarrassed. I'll flip a coin.
        Heads: panties. Tails: bra.
 You: Shouldn't it be the other way around?
 Dewmi: Whatever you say, Larry. Tails! Panties it is.
 You: Oooh, my cup runneth over! *Dewmi drinks and blocks the view with her
 You: Doh!
 Dewmi: Here you are, Larry. You earned them.
 You: Perhaps I could... freshen your drink?
 Dewmi: No, thanks. I'll just suck...on the ice cubes.
 You: Oooooh.

 You: Boy, I hate to lose this jacket. It's been wrinkle-free for over 15
 Dewmi: I'll make sure it gets a good home. Preferably some landfill.
 You: I'm losin' my shirt playin' this game. Literally!
 Dewmi: It's a tough world. You wanna play or ya wanna jaw?
 You: Take care of these pants. They're custom-made: perma-press, super-high-
 gloss, and fireproof.
 Dewmi thinks: So incineration is out, I guess. Gee, I'm...impressed.
 You: I can't believe I'm losing my medallion! You wouldn't believe how many
      quarters it took to get this out of that machine!
 Dewmi thinks: I'm surprised they could get a quarter.
 You: Well, I guess my jockeys are all that's left. Prepare yourself.
 Dewmi: Larry, I don't think anything could prepare me for that!
 You: Something else, isn't it?
 Dewmi: Something else is right!

Buying a die:

 You: I'll buy a die.
 You: I'll buy some dice.
 You: I'll buy a dice.
 Dewmi: Die!
 You: Pardon me. I didn't know you were that competitive. Maybe I should come
      back later when you calm down.
 Dewmi: Larry! Darling. It's one DIE, two DICE. Dice is the plural of die.
 You: Oh, well, I knew that. Never mind.

Lose Liar's Dice:

 Dewmi: Well, well, Larry. I guess that's it. Goodnight.
 You: Waddaya mean, goodnight? Why... I thought... I mean... you mean?...
 Dewmi: Do you mind returning the dice cups on your way?

Win Liar's Dice:

 Dewmi: Well, that does it, Larry. You're just too damned good for me.
 You: Heh heh heh.
 Dewmi: I guess this is the moment you've been waiting for. Make yourself
        comfortable, Larry.
 You: Yeah...
 Dewmi: How 'bout a drink, Larry?
 You: You know, I'm not really that thirsty right now!
 Dewmi: Oh, come on. Humor me. Besides, won't we have more fun if we're both a
        little "loose?"
 You: I guess you're right.
 Dewmi: Sure!
 Dewmi thinks: This oughta fix him!
 Dewmi: Here you are, Larry.
 Narrator: Once again, Larry, you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!

                        Beaver Hold                                  G0833

<Connecting Tunnels>
  Narrator: These tubes provide the ship's beaver with freedom and excellent

<Drinking Beaver>
  Narrator: Now there's a toned and fit beaver! Isn't she the picture of good
 <Use » anything>
  Narrator: The beavers don't require anything you have... but they might be
            willing to share something with you.

<Spasming Beaver>
  Narrator: Remember back in junior high school, that afternoon your English
            teacher stopped by the house to talk to your parents and your dog
            just wouldn't stop doing that?
 <Use » anything>
  Narrator: The beavers don't require anything you have... but they might be
            willing to share something with you.
<Two Close Beavers>
  Narrator: What in the hell are those two doing!?
 <Use » anything>
  Narrator: The beavers don't require anything you have... but they might be
            willing to share something with you.

<Venezuelan Beaver>
  Narrator: That's one good-looking beaver.
 <Use » anything>
  Narrator: The beavers don't require anything you have... but they might be
            willing to share something with you.
 <Use » Pot>
  Narrator: Surely you don't want to hit the beaver with the pot, do you? What
            is it you want to do?
 <Milk> *without pot*
  Narrator: That's a nifty idea. What are you going to store the milk in?
  You: Um... my pockets? I think.
  Narrator: Think again.
 <Milk> *having pot*
  Narrator: If you think you're man enough, go ahead!
  You: Was it good for you?
  *The Next Morning*

<Cage Door>
  Narrator: This door is unlocked, so just as soon as you figure out what to do
            inside the cage you'll be all set.
  Narrator: For once, you've found a door that's NOT locked!

<Caged Beaver>
  Narrator: The cruise line goes to an amazing amount of trouble just to keep
            their bowling alleys in fresh pins! Say, wasn't "Caged Beavers"
            that movie you saw on late-night cable last month?
  Narrator: Why would you want to open the beaver's cage?
  Narrator: Just can't get enough of that smell, can you, Larry?
 <Use » Pot>
  Narrator: You clang the pot on the beavers' cage... and attract their
            attention for a moment, but then, it's right back to work because:
            they're busy as little beavers!

  Narrator: A few days ago, a mighty redwood. Now, a beaver hors d'oeuvre.

<CyberZONE 2000>
  Narrator: CyberZONE 2000, the all new sports and exercise beverage that keeps
            your beaver tan, toned and healthy. As seen on TV!

                        Beaver Bulkhead Door                         G0834

  Narrator: The door has a small plaque with the words, "Beaver Hold --
            Crewmembers Only!"
  You think: I don't want to show off, but isn't "Beaver Hold" a registered
             trademark of GLOW -- the Glamorous Ladies of Wrasslin'?

  Narrator: You can't. It's locked.
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard / Photo ID Keycard>
  Narrator: You try, but your keycard does nothing on this door. Which makes
            sense, since it doesn't have a card reader, it's got a keyhole!
 <Use » Custodial Key>

  Narrator: Beneath the floor's open steel mesh run several pipes... kind of
            like your Uncle Willy.

  Narrator: The handle looks unlocked.
  Narrator: You turn the handle and find out that looks can be deceiving.

  Narrator: The ceiling has many exposed pipes... kind of like your Uncle Mike.

  Narrator: You can't see inside, because the porthole in the door is extremely
            dirty, kind of like your Uncle Art.
  Narrator: Holding your ear to the porthole, you think you hear the sounds of
            squealing and gnawing -- kind of like your Uncle Duane.

                        Luggage Storage Hold                         G0835

<First Visit>
 You: Oh, no! How will I ever find Drew's suitcase among all these? It'd be
      like finding a needle in a haystack!
 *gorilla noises*
 You: Ouff! Ow!

<A Suitcase>
  Narrator: The luggage tag on the side of this suitcase reads, "Drew
  You think: Finally. Some good luck!

<Vast Cargo Hold>
  Narrator: Evidently the PMS Bouncy is larger on the inside than on the

  You: What WAS that?
  Narrator: That was merely a figment of your imagination, Larry!
  You: Yeah, well, my figment hurts!

                        Luggage Bulkhead Door                        G0836
  Narrator: The door has a small plaque with the words, "Luggage Hold --
            Crewmembers Only!"

  Narrator: You can't. It's locked.
 <Use » Your Cabin Keycard / Photo ID Keycard>
  Narrator: You try, but your keycard does nothing on this door. Which makes
            sense, since it doesn't have a card reader, it's got a keyhole!
 <Use » Custodial Key>

  Narrator: Beneath the floor's open steel mesh run several pipes... kind of
            like your Uncle Bob.

  Narrator: The handle looks unlocked.
  Narrator: You turn the handle and find out that looks can be deceiving.

  Narrator: The ceiling has many exposed pipes... kind of like your Uncle

  Narrator: You can't see inside, because the porthole in the door is extremely
            dirty, kind of like your Uncle Pat.
  Narrator: Holding your ear to the porthole, you think you hear the sounds of
            squealing and gnawing -- kind of like your Uncle Scott.

                        Kitchen                                      G0837

<Caviarmaster 2000>
  Narrator: The CaviarMaster 2000 is for those who like their eggs fishy, yet
  You: Peeeow!
  You: Unnnngh.
  You: Yuck. No way.
  Narrator: Not even you would eat that.

<CyberCheese 2000>
  Narrator: The CyberCheese 2000. Just add ingredients and step waaaaaay back.
  Narrator: Unfortunately this isn't the portable CyberCheese 2000 with active
            matrix screen. Darn the luck.
  Narrator: Mold IS an integral part of cheese, right?
 <Use » Salt>
  *if all ingredients*
  You: Let's see... some beaver milk, this mold scraped from my shower wall, a
            pinch of salt and this lime juice....
  Narrator: And voila! Venezuelan Beaver Cheese!
  You: Phew. That stuff stinks!
  *if missing ingredients*
  Narrator: Once again, Larry, you're missing something.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: No, you're missing an ingredient essential to the cheese-making
  You: Oh.
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
  *if all ingredients*
  You: Let's see... some beaver milk, this mold scraped from my shower wall, a
            pinch of salt and this lime juice....
  Narrator: And voila! Venezuelan Beaver Cheese!
  You: Phew. That stuff stinks!
  *if missing ingredients*
  Narrator: Once again, Larry, you're missing something.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: No, you're missing an ingredient essential to the cheese-making
  You: Oh.
 <Use » Mold>
  *if all ingredients*
  You: Let's see... some beaver milk, this mold scraped from my shower wall, a
            pinch of salt and this lime juice....
  Narrator: And voila! Venezuelan Beaver Cheese!
  You: Phew. That stuff stinks!
  *if missing ingredients*
  Narrator: Once again, Larry, you're missing something.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: No, you're missing an ingredient essential to the cheese-making
  You: Oh.
 <Use » Lime Juice>
  *if all ingredients*
  You: Let's see... some beaver milk, this mold scraped from my shower wall, a
            pinch of salt and this lime juice....
  Narrator: And voila! Venezuelan Beaver Cheese!
  You: Phew. That stuff stinks!
  *if missing ingredients*
  Narrator: Once again, Larry, you're missing something.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
  Narrator: No, you're missing an ingredient essential to the cheese-making
  You: Oh.

<Continuous Towel>
  Narrator: To save money, someone sewed the beginning of this towel to its
            end, making one long circle. While that may save money, it
            certainly doesn't encourage confidence in the chef's cleaniness.
            The label on the side says "last serviced: June 1954."
  Narrator: A small label on the side of the roller towel says, "Next service:
            October, 1954."

  Narrator: Mmmm. Cookie Puss.
  You: Mmmm. That's not bad.
  Narrator: Considering it's been sitting out, unrefrigerated, for days.
  You: Doh!
  Narrator: No. Save it for later.
 <Eat> (after python showed up)
  Narrator: Oops. You should have eaten it earlier!

  Narrator: These drawers haven't been opened since the Truman administration.
  Narrator: You'll never get into these drawers.
  You: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!

  Narrator: No! Not Fifi!!
 <Look> (after python showed up)
  Narrator: What happened to that poodle that was hanging there?!

<Fishing Pole>
  Narrator: So that's why dinner was so late last night!
  Narrator: Whenever you go fishing, all you catch is a cold!

<Fish Net>
  Narrator: These fish must not be very good.
  You: Oh? Why?
  Narrator: They're working with a net! *rimshot*
  Narrator: Something about this whole deal smells fishy. Leave 'em alone.

  Narrator: Apparently these fish were on the wrong side in the seafood
  Narrator: When you think of some earthly use for a bunch of fishheads, this
            is where you should come.

<Garbage Can>
  Narrator: The garbage can is the only thing in this kitchen that's
  scrupulously clean. It's like they never throw anything away...
  Narrator: There's nothing hidden in the garbage can, okay? You can see all
            the way to the bottom.
  You: But Al Lowe ALWAYS hides something in the garbage!
  Narrator: Not this game. Munsil wouldn't let him!

  Narrator: Some chefs aren't comfortable cooking without the traditional
            French tools.
 <Take> What are you, a demented revolutionary? Besides, it's attached to the

  Narrator: And you should never watch laws being made, either.
  Narrator: No. No! NO!!

<Pest Strip>
  Narrator: You've always found the concept of sticking insects to curly paper

  Narrator: Nice pot.
  You think: Reminds me of my college days. The judge gave me six months

  Narrator: The refrigerator doesn't seem to be operational. The smell of
            rotten fish seeps out through the cracks in the door's rubber seal.
            At least you hope that's what that smell is!
  Narrator: For the love of God, no! 

  Narrator: This shaker contains only genuine sea salt (scraped from the hull
            of the ship before its annual hosing down).
  Narrator: Pass the salt.
  You: That's not funny.
  Narrator: Okay, YOU try making the jokes all the time!

  You: Why did a pig in a python show up now?
  Narrator: Artistic license.

  Narrator: Do you know the three principal parts of the common wood stove? The
            lifter, leg and poker. *rimshot*
 <Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
  Narrator: Ah. Baked beaver cheese. Rather like baked brie?
 <Use » Kumquats>
  Narrator: To prepare a dish, combine your ingredients first.

  Narrator: Adds a new dimension to last night's swordfish dinner, eh, Larry?
  You: Ummm...yeah.
  Narrator: Taking that would exceed your leisure suit's load limit!

  Narrator: Mmmm... just chock full of tentacle-y goodness.
  Narrator: You don't need those; you're already a sucker!

<Tub o' Entrails>
  Narrator: It's a tub of entrails and even worse stuff. Our artists drew a
            close-up of it, but it made our programmers ill!
  Narrator: You really want to gross yourself out, don't you?

<Wrapped Fish>
  Narrator: It's a fish, wrapped in an old issue of Professional Hash Slinger
  You: Oh, good. My subscription just ran out.
  Narrator: That fish has gone bad.
  You: How can you tell?
  Narrator: Little things; the earring, the tattoo, the surly expression. 
  You: How about if I toss the fish, but keep the magazine it's wrapped in?
  Narrator: That's good.

*while baking*
 Narrator: You set the cute little kitchen timer for exactly 55 minutes, mix
           the kumquat into your pot of beaver cheese, throw in a few more
           things you find lying under the kitchen counter, then place the
           entire  mess in a clean baking dish, and slam it in the oven. Well,
           okay, "a" baking dish.
 You think: Say. That doesn't smell half bad.
 Narrator: No. It smells ALL bad!

                        Cabin 0 Hallway                              G0838

First Visit:
Narrator: You insert your keycard into the slot with great anticipation. What
          will your "special suite" be like?

Random encounter after losing your clothes:
You think: Okay, there's my room. I'm gonna make it without a single soul
           seeing me naked!
You think: Ah, here's my room. This time I made it!
You think: Just a little farther. This time I'm gonna make it for sure!
You think: No one's seen me yet. So far, so good.
You think: This time I've got to make it without running into somebody. I can't
           be THAT unlucky!
You think: Surely I won't run into somebody THIS time!
You think: Aw, hell. I don't even care anymore. Let 'em come! Take a look! Take
           a gander! See what you want!! Two for a nickel!

???: Mommy? Why is the funny man wearing a diaper?

Peter: Oouuuh! Wouldn't I love a bite of THAT!
You think: (Yech!)

Crowd: Oh. Oh! Oooooh!

Crowd: Ohh. Ahh. Ah so. Very good. Yah yah.

A Woman: You damn hippies should be ashamed!

Peggy: Well, shiver me timbers!
You think: Oh, no!
Peggy: Looks like somebody already shivered that poor little timber! G*d d*mn
       sh*t-face c**ks**king mother-f**king son of a b***h
You think: Well.

Ship's Announcer: Next, on "Inside Affair:" The Lust Boat! Coming in a port
                  near you?!

Annette Encounter:
Woman in Black: Larry. So nice you could... drop by. And dressed for the
You think: Whoa! Who's this? Gotta play it cool.
You: Um... yes, I always like to be...dressed...in things.
You think: Rats!
She thinks: What a sap!
Woman in Black: I've got a problem, Larry. The old man.
You: Oh, that old guy in the wheelchair?
You think: She must be his nurse.
Woman in Black: Yes, exactly. I'm tired, Larry. I got into this for a reason.
She thinks: To become a rich widow.
Woman in Black: But I'm so tired... of waiting. Ya get me?
You think: She loves nursing, but she doesn't have enough time for sex!
You: Oh, I gotcha.
She thinks: I thought it would be easy. He looks like he's ready to keel over
            any second. But he saves up his strength 'til we're back in the
            cabin. And then he wears me out.
Woman in Black: I've had my fill of boning that old coot!
She thinks: The constant pressure. The endless pounding.
You think: Oh! A physical therapist too! I wonder if it's true what they say
           about physical therapists?
You: I see your problem and... and... I'm your solution!
She thinks: This is easier than I thought.
Woman in Black: So you're willing to "do the dirty deed?"
You think: This is easier than I thought.
You: Hey, sweetheart. I'm always willing to help a dame in need.
She thinks: What a putz!
Woman in Black: Yes, help. I'll make it worth your while. How 'bout a little
                sample? Right now....
You think: Sample? More like a "taste of things to come!!"
You: Oooooohhhh!!
Woman in Black: Come by my cabin late tonight and we'll work out the kinks.
She thinks: I'll lay out my plan. He'll do the killing. I'll get off scot-free.
You: Sounds great! When can you "fit me in?"
You: Wait! What cabin?
You: What's your name?
You: Oh.

                        Cabin 0                                      G0839

<Arriving with Drew>
 You: Well, here we are, Drew. It's not much, but it is roomy.
 Drew: Okay, Larry. Just give me a minute to hop in your shower and rinse off
       this sunscreen.
 You think: Hmm. Steam's not the only thing rising!

  Narrator: These barrels were once used to store toxic sludge, but apparently
            no longer.
  You: Well, that's good.
  Narrator: Not that good. It's all leaked out onto your floor.
  You: Doh!
  Narrator: Just run your finger around your CyberSniff 2000 card; that's close
            to how these barrels smell.

  Narrator: While it may look like there are two pipes leaking near your bed,
            there's really just one. The rolling of the ship makes the water
            land on either side of your pillow.
  You: Well, that's good, I guess.
  Narrator: Not that good. Guess where it's going to land when the sea is calm.
  You: Doh!
  Narrator: If you take the bucket, the water will drip all over the floor.
  You: So?
  Narrator: It's a sly, subtle way of telling you the bucket isn't something
            you can take. Geez, after this many adventure games, you'd think
            you'd get the lingo.

  Narrator: You've been provided with the finest in army surplus cots.
  You: Well, that's good.
  Narrator: Not that good. It's from the Uzbekistan Army, and the only reason
            it's surplus is because sleeping on it is less comfortable than
            sleeping on frozen tundra.
  You: Doh!
  Narrator: Imagine a soaking wet dog crossed with a drunk on a three-day
  You: Yuch.
  Narrator: You can say that again.
  You: Yuch.
  Narrator: It was a figure of speech, Larry!
  You: Oh. Well. I knew that.
  You: Time for a little shut-eye.
  Narrator: Well... calm seas! *water starts dripping on Larry*
  You: Doh!

<Drain Pipe>
  Narrator: The toilet's drain pipe appears to be clogged with something.
 <Look> *after removing spray can*
  Narrator: The drain pipe is now unclogged, but it's tough to call it an

  Narrator: You've gotten Drew this far; now if you could just get her out of
            the shower.
  Drew: Larry, stop bothering me. I'm still oily.
  Drew: Whoa! Larry, there'll be plenty of time for that once I'm done
        showering. Be patient, my little Fokker feller.
  Drew: Larry, please; I like to shower by myself.
  You: Drew, are you coming out soon?
  Drew: In a minute, Larry. I just need to get this lotion off. When they said
        waterproof, they really meant it.
  You: Drew, isn't that lotion off by now?
  Drew: Oh, maybe, but I like to be sure. Don't mind me; just go about your
        business. I'll be out just as soon as I'm squeaky clean all over.
  You: Would you like a little company? I could scrub your back.
  Drew: Thanks, Larry. Ever since I started yoga, I've been able to scrub my
        own back.
  You: Drew, you must be turning into a big pink raisin in there.
  Drew: Actually, this sunscreen is pretty tough. So far the water just beads
        up and runs off. I can't even get my hair wet. I'll be out soon.
  You think: I think this is a usage of the word "soon" I'm not familiar with.
  You: Drew, do you mind if I go run some errands around the ship for a few
  Drew: No problem, Larry. Go ahead; I'll probably be out by the time you get
        back and then we can Fokker all night.
  You think: Ohhhh....

<Lace Hanky>
  Narrator: Your mystery date seems to have dropped her hanky.
  Narrator: It smells of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and intrigue.

<Shop Light>
  Narrator: The shop light illuminates very little; much of the engine room is
            shrouded in darkness.
  You: Well, that's good.
  Narrator: No, Larry, that's VERY good!
  Narrator: The shop light is firmly attached to the ceiling. You couldn't take
            it even if you had a really long ladder, an electrician's toolkit,
            and no common sense at all.
  You: Hey. Was that a clue?
  Narrator: No. That was a "no."

  Narrator: The steam from Drew's shower has produced a small patch of mold.
  Narrator: We were going to add the mold smell to your CyberSniff 2000 card,
            but several states have laws forbidding it.
 <Take> *while Drew showers*
  Drew: Larry, I like to be alone when I shower. No offense.
  You: Um... none taken.
  Narrator: Actually, NOTHING taken.

  Narrator: Oh, Larry boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.
  You: Lovely.
  Narrator: Thank you. Thank you very much!
  You: So how do the pipes look?
  Narrator: Just decorative.

<Safety Shower>
  Narrator: This Lil' Giant Safety Shower was built according to the
            traditional principles of design and workmanship of the master
            craftsmen of Vrohuti.
  You: Well, that's good.
  Narrator: not that good. Their traditional principle is: "make it last until
            the warranty expires."
  You: Doh! Oh, wait: when will that be?
  Narrator: Give or take a week?
  You: Sure.
  Narrator: 'Bout twelve years ago.
  You: (Did I say) Doh!

<Spray Can>
  Narrator: Someone stuffed a spray can into the toilet's drain. 
  You: Oh. That's bad.
  Narrator: Not THAT bad. This way, nothing runs out on your feet!
  You: Doh!

  Narrator: These tanks are filled with deadly poisonous gas, but don't worry;
            they were recently inspected.
  You: Oh, that's good. How can you tell?
  Narrator: The inspector dated the safety violation sticker.
  You: Doh!

  Narrator: This toilet doesn't work. It has no water coming in, and the drain
            seems to be plugged up.
 <Look> (after connecting the hose but not removing the spray can yet)
  Narrator: The toilet may have water coming in now, but its drain is still
 <Look> (after removing the spray can but not connecting the hose yet)
  Narrator: The drain has been unclogged, but until this toilet has water going
            to it, it's just gathering dust.
 <Look> (after connecting the hose and removing the spray can)
  Narrator: The toilet now has access to plenty of water. Nothing keeps you
            from flushing it, except a tiny shred of common sense.
  Narrator: The toilet worked perfectly when this cabin's last occupant checked
  You: Oh, that's good.
  Narrator: Not that good. He had to plug up its drain pipe to keep it from
            leaking all over the floor.
  You: Doh!
 <Flush> (after removing the spray can but not connecting the hose yet)
  Narrator: Now the toilet drains freely.
  You: Well, that's good.
  Narrator: Not that good. It hasn't been connected to a water pipe in thirty-
            four years!
  You: Doh!
 <Flush> (while Drew showers)
  You think: This ought to get her out of there.
  Drew: Yeow!
  You: Oops.
  Drew: You bastard! That's it. I'm not staying here. And don't try coming
        around the pool, either!
  You: Drew! Wait!
  Narrator: Well, that certainly seems to have gone well.
 <Get up> (without wiping)
  Narrator: What? Not without wiping!
  Narrator: Yeeccchh. Maybe this interface wasn't such a great idea?!
 <Whiz> (before fixing the toilet)
  Narrator: Perhaps you should look at the toilet first.
  Narrator: You could, but then you couldn't flush it. And surely it smells
            badly enough in here even for you!
 <Whiz> (while Drew showers)
  Narrator: Now there's an impressive way to start your "first date!"
  Narrator: Good idea. Get everything done at once!
  Narrator: Perhaps you should look at the toilet first.
  Narrator: Let's put it this way: it hasn't been sanitized for your
            protection. Capisce?
  Narrator: What are you going to use, your leisure suit?
 <Use » Toilet Paper>
  You: YEOW! That's rough!
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Narrator: Now that toilet will have plenty of water!

<Toilet Paper>
  Narrator: The toilet paper is like Clint Eastwood's face: old and rough, yet
            tanned and ready for love. It's at least a couple grades below
            grocery sack.
  Narrator: It feels just like sandpaper; maybe 40 grit.
  Narrator: Mmmm. Papery.

<Water Pipe>
  Narrator: This pipe is clearly marked "water," for what that's worth.
  Narrator: It smells like a big rusty pipe. You were expecting maybe
  Narrator: A quick turn of the valve is enough to convince you this pipe
            contains water at high pressure. Be careful or it'll spew all over.
  You think: I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
 <Use » Fire Hose>
  Narrator: Now that toilet will have plenty of water!

                        Ship Announcements                           G0840

Start of the cruise:
Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Anyone wishing to spend next week
                  humping the Captain, please report immediately to the ship's

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! There is a meeting starting
                  immediately in the ship's lounge for any and all passengers
                  wishing to spend next week "working under" the Captain.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Anyone wishing to spend next week
                  inspecting the Captain's ceiling, please report immediately
                  to "The Proud Lil' Seaman" lounge.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Anyone wishing to spend next week in
                  the Captain's quarters, please report to the lounge

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! The lounge is on the upper deck. Use
                  your courtesy maps.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Anyone who has not yet found their
                  courtesy map should either report to the Purser's Desk or
                  right-click their mouse.

Ship's Announcer: Hey, you! Get your ass up to the ship's Lounge. NOW! (Was
                  that too subtle?)

Ship's Announcer: Any bowlers who haven't completed their portion of the
                  competition, report to the bowling alley now. There are lanes

Ship's Announcer: Blackjack contestents, report to the Casino immediately.
                  There are tables available.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Following a successful all-night
                  rewiring, the Lovemaster 2000 is once again open... and ready
                  for love!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. All contestants in last night's 24-
                  hour Gerbil Swapping contest, please report to the infirmary.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. All contestants entered in the
                  Sheepshank competition, report to the B Deck lounge

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Would the winner of last week's
                  "Pleasing the Captain" competition please report to the
                  infirmary at this time. Your test results are in.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Margaret has captured the Best
                  Dressed Woman competition. Congratulations, Margee!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Newt has won the High-Speed Life Vest
                  Inflating competition. We salute you, Newt!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Steve is the proud winner of the Nude
                  Scrabble competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Mark has just finished with a record
                  high score in the Nude Curling competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Jenn has just won the Strip Twister

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Bryan has just won the Strip
                  Solitaire championship.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Don and Mark have just won the
                  Synchronized Skinny Dipping portion of the competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Al has just captured the Nude High
                  Hurdles portion of the "Thygh's Man Trophy" championship.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Ben has just beaten off all comers in
                  the Self Stimulation Simulation.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Don has just captured the piousness
                  portion of the contest.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Mark has just captured the temperance
                  portion of the contest.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Jenn has just won the strip
                  shuffleboard tournament.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Don has just won the high-speed
                  portion of the contest.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Bob has won the nude pole vaulting
                  portion of the competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Al has just finished the flatulence
                  portion of the competition. E deck will re-open in 15

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! All contestants: be sure to complete
                  the social disease pre-test on your scorecard.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Layne has just won the nude
                  blindfolded tattooing competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Bill has just won the all night disco
                  marathon competition.
You: Damn! That's one where I could've had a chance!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Layne has just won the Spud Trucking
                  competition by hoisting a full load.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Mike has just won the evening gown
                  portion of the competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Karin has just won the women's
                  topless pogo stick competition.
You: I'm sorry I missed THAT one!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Don has won the Skepticism Trophy,
                  but refuses to believe it!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Bryan has just won the fly fishing
                  portion of the competition by landing a 103-lb grouper using
                  nothing but his fly.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Al has just been disqualified from
                  further competition because of excessive artificial
                  enhancement. You're not fooling anybody, Al!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Jennifer has just won the women's
                  topless accordion playing competition. Friends who wish to
                  congratulate her, please report to the infirmary.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Jason has just won the Nude Orange
                  Passing competition.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Bill has just won the Cherry Picking
                  competition with a record high score of two. Way to go, Bill!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Jason has just won the Nude Motocross
                  portion of the competition with a leap of seven buses.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Slim and Slime have just won the Moat
                  Olympics! Way to go, fellas. Eye Five!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Jason has just won the Atari 800
                  Hacking competition. Congratula... oops! Syntax Error.

Winning a competition:
Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the best
                  dressed man portion of the competition with a record high
                  perfect score of 100 points! Congratulations, Larry! The
                  world of fashion will never be the same!!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the bowling
                  portion of the competition with a record high perfect score
                  of 300 points! Congratulations, Larry! You really blew the
                  place apart!!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the cook-
                  off, with a record high score of 300 points! Congratulations,
                  Larry! Everyone wants a copy of THAT recipe!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the crap
                  shooting portion of the competition with a record high score!
                  Congratulations, Larry! Don't spend it all in one place!!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the
                  horseshoe tossing portion of the competition with a record
                  high perfect score of 100 points! Congratulations, Larry! You
                  really stuck it to 'em!!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the sexual
                  technique portion of the competition with a record high
                  perfect score of 1000 points! Congratulations, Larry! What a

Winning the overall competition:
Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just been named the
                  overall winner of this week's "Thygh's Man Trophy!" with a
                  record high score! Congratulations, Larry! And now...Captain
                  Thygh would like to meet you personally.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer, overall winner of this
                  week's "Thygh's Man Trophy!" Captain Thygh would like to meet
                  you personally...in her cabin.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please! Larry Laffer, overall winner of this
                  week's "Thygh's Man Trophy!" Captain Thygh would like to meet
                  you personally...in her cabin. NOW!

Ship's Announcer: Laffer, get your ass up to Captain Thygh's cabin!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Walter Forbes to the Fo'c's'le.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Paging Terese. Terese to the break
                  room. Emergency cola run!

Ship's Announcer: Paging Mr. Hunt. Mr. Michael... never mind.

Ship's Announcer: Paging Mr. Hunt. Mr. York... Paging Mr. Hunt!

Ship's Announcer: Paging Terese. Terese to the break room. Junk food running

Ship's Announcer: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Live on the promenade deck! It's the
                  Pope! Driving biiiiiiig trucks! See him go head-to-head with
                  the nitro-fueled Twisted Bishop! We'll sell you the whole
                  seat, but you'll only need the edge! Be there!

Ship's Announcer: Paging Mr. Martino. Mr. Mark Martino. White courtesy phone,

Ship's Announcer: Attention Jennifer: Will you marry me? Signed, Kelly. That's
                  Kelly, K-E-L-L-Y.

Ship's Announcer: The white zone is for loading and unloading only.

Ship's Announcer: Be sure to catch that fun-lovin' mother-daughter country-
                  western singin' duo, The Juggs, appearing in "The Proud Lil'
                  Seaman" lounge.

Ship's Announcer: Tonight. A spectacular display of audio-animatronics in "The
                  Proud Little Seaman" lounge. Don't miss your chance to see
                  "Great Moments with Mr. Clinton" in the lounge nightly.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention please. Just because it's called the Poop Deck
                  doesn't mean you can just drop your pants and drop a log. You
                  know who you are!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. This ship has sails, but they're not
                  made of silk. Rubies do not fill its hold. There is no gold,
                  nor spice. That is all.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. The mandatory lifeboat safety drill
                  for all passengers will be... oh, never mind.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Would the person who borrowed the
                  ship's lifeboat please return it? You may keep the First Aid
                  kit. And no questions will be asked.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Megan, report to the scuba tank

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. There are no brass urinals aboard
                  this ship. The baritone saxophone player is not amused!

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Tonight's Nude Ferret Legging
                  Festival has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. There will be a testing of the PMS
                  Bouncy's electric sail motors tonight at eleven hundred hours
                  P. M. o'clock in the evening when it's dark. That is all.

Ship's Announcer: Your attention, please. Will the party who borrowed Captain
                  Queeg's Balls please return them to the Ballroom? No
                  questions will be asked.

                        Generic Narrator Responses                   G0841

Not every combination in the game has a special response. For all the others
there are just generic replies used by the narrator.

 Narrator: It is just as it appears.
 Narrator: That looks exactly like one of those should look.
 Narrator: You see nothing special. (Ah. Brings back memories, doesn't it?)

 Narrator: Not everything and everybody wants to talk to you, Larry.
 Narrator: Sometimes there's just nothing left to say.
 Narrator: Chatty, aren't we?
 Narrator: You have no desire to talk to anyone in this game who doesn't
           offer a "talk" menu!
 Narrator: Stop chinnin', start winnin'!

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Feel THIS!
 Narrator: That feels... good.
 Narrator: Now entering the "touchy-feely zone."
 Narrator: What is this? Junior high?
 Narrator: Just content yourself with feeling alive!

 Narrator: You just love to touch, touch, touch.

 Narrator: Licking is not the answer!
 You: Doesn't that depend on the question, smart aleck?
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Lick this!
 Narrator: You want to lick THAT?!
 Put that tongue away!

 Narrator: You don't need to take every damned thing on the ship, do you?
 You: Well... yeah.
 Narrator: Allow me to rephrase that. You don't need to take every damned thing
           on the ship.
 Narrator: Well, that's nailed down. Or if it's not, it should be!
 Narrator: You really take the cake, Larry. But you don't take that.
 Narrator: You could take that. But we didn't think of it.
 Narrator: Take? Is that all you think about? How about "giving" for a change?
           Would that be so bad?
 Narrator: You don't need that.
 Narrator: Don't take that. It might stain your white leisure suit.
 Narrator: Take that? No.

 Narrator: You've had worse.
 Narrator: Larry, a penis is a terrible thing to waste.
 Narrator: Isn't a penis a terrible curse, Larry?
 Narrator: Sexaholics Anonymous meets tomorrow night. Be there!
 You: What's the dues?
 Narrator: An inch a month.
 You: Yeow! I can't afford that.
 Narrator: Wait, my mistake. That's Overeaters Anonymous.
 You: Whew!
 Narrator: You led a troubled, lonely childhood, didn't you?

 Narrator: You don't want to throw that. Because it doesn't throw.

 Narrator: You don't need to open that.
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Open this!

<Turn On>
 Narrator: The idea is for you to find a woman and get turned on.

 Narrator: Don't unplug that!

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Break this!
 Narrator: Don't break that. You might need it later.
 Narrator: Okay, everybody. Break! Five minutes!!
 Narrator: Problems letting out your aggression, Larry?
 Narrator: Sure, you could break that into a million tiny pieces. But we don't
           have the animation budget to show it.

 Narrator: For now, just drink it in with your eyes.
 Narrator: You may want to drink that... but you're not going to.
 Narrator: Drink, drink, drink! No, no, no.
 Narrator: Do you have a "drinking problem?"
 Narrator: Take a closer look. That's not drinkable.

 Narrator: That smells a little like chicken.
 Narrator: That smells, but not enough to include on your CyberSniff 2000.
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Smell THIS!
 Narrator: That smells bad. Or maybe good. You can't decide. Worse, you don't
 Narrator: You can detect no smell there.

<Stomp on>
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Stomp on THIS!

 Narrator: Playing with things again, Larry?

 Narrator: Keep your hands to yourself!

 Narrator: Climb that? No way.
 Narrator: Yeah, you'd LIKE to climb that, wouldn't you?
 Narrator: Really? Climbing? Not there.

 Narrator: You don't have a key that fits that.

 Narrator: You'd undress anything you could get yours hands on, right Larry? 

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Blow this!
 Narrator: You don't want to blow that. You don't know where your mouth has
 Narrator: Blowing will do you no good.
 You: I beg to differ, but sometimes it does a LOT of good!
 Narrator: Well, yes. But not in THIS circumstance.
 Narrator: You don't need to blow that.
 Narrator: There's no need to go about blowing things.

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Suck THIS!
 Narrator: You know, many people go all day without sucking anything!
 Narrator: Stop sucking things!

 Narrator: This is not a saxophone etude. No tonguing necessary.

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Kiss this!

 Narrator: Just a nibble is never enough!

 Narrator: Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anybody f... wait a minute!
 Narrator: Take a closer look. That's not edible.
 Narrator: You're a firm believer in the philosophy, "Eat, drink and make
 You: Mary who?
 Narrator: Show of hands: I think we all saw THAT one coming!
 Narrator: Stop trying to put things in your mouth!
 Narrator: Really? That's something even Don Munsil wouldn't eat!

 Narrator: You don't have time to sit. There's babes a'waitin'!

 Narrator: There's nothing there to read. At least, nothing your aging vision
           can detect!
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Read this!

<Turn Off>
 Narrator: YOU are the biggest turn off!

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Well, bend this!

 Narrator: Bowling is available free to all TMT contestants... on the Poop

 Narrator: You may not be man enough to operate that.

 Narrator: Sometimes you just want to blow chunks, don't you, Larry?
 Narrator: Getting a little seasick, Larry?

 Narrator: That may not move. Or then again, it may be easily movable by a
           normal man.
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Push THIS!

 Narrator: You can't unscrew that.
 You: Oh, yeah? Why not!
 Narrator: Because you haven't screwed it yet!

 Narrator: That's not a toilet. No flushing.

 Narrator: There's only one thing you can wipe, Larry -- and often, you're not
           too good at that!

 Narrator: Listening as carefully as possible, you hear nothing special.

 Narrator: Knock knock.
 You: Who's there?
 Narrator: Larry who?
 You: Should I have a punch line ready?
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Knock this!

 Narrator: Try closing something else.
 You: Like my "open mind?"
 Narrator: No. That's already been slammed!
 You: Grrrr.
 Narrator: Close. But no cigar.
 Narrator: Close that? Unlikely.
 Narrator: Close that? Not in this game.
 Narrator: Really? Close that? No way.

 Narrator: You don't need to unzip that.

 Narrator: No one will swap you anything for that!

 Narrator: You MAY milk something in this game, but that's not it!

 You: Here, boy! Come on!! Here big fellow!
 Narrator: What in the hell is the matter with you?

 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Pick this!
 Narrator: If you pick it, it will never heal!

<Use » TMT Scorecard>
 Narrator: Only use your scorecard to enter Thygh's Man Trophy events.

<Use » Photo ID Keycard / Your Cabin Keycard>
 Narrator: Use your keycard to unlock your room, but don't use it here.

<Use » Dirty Pictures>
 Narrator: If only you had someplace to stick this up....

<Use » Custodial Key>
 Narrator: This key will unlock most of the ship... but not that!

<Use » "Prudish and Proud">
 Narrator: Who would want to read a boring book like that?

<Use » "Prudish and Proud" Book Jacket>
 Narrator: Wrap that jacket around something that fits.

<Use » "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules">
 Narrator: Try using that book where it will be among friends.

<Use » "Erotic" Book In "Prudish" Jacket>
 Narrator: Who would be interested in your strange book "sandwich?"

<Use » Fire Hose>
 Narrator: Kindly keep your hose to yourself.

<Use » Silicone Lubricant>
 Narrator: That's slick enough already.

<Use » Deodorant Spray>
 Narrator: In this game, you may not want to use the deodorant on people.

<Use » Battery Powered Chase Lights>
 Narrator: Find someplace else to use those chase lights. Or is that over your

<Use » Remote Control>
 Narrator: The remote doesn't work with that.

<Use » Toilet Paper>
 Narrator: Be careful. That toilet paper is so rough, it may scratch that!

<Use » Pot>
 Narrator: You don't need this to use that, but you'll need it to store

<Use » Venezuelan Beaver Milk>
 Narrator: If you only had a recipe... and a kitchen... you could make...

<Use » Venezuelan Beaver Cheese>
 Narrator: If you only had a recipe... and a kitchen....

<Use » Screwdriver>
 Narrator: That doesn't need screwing.
 You: Maybe, but I still do!

<Use » Jumper Wire>
 Narrator: Oh, yeah? Jumper this!

<Use » Carving Knife>
 Narrator: Stop threatening people! You want to fight? Buy "Warcraft!"

<Use » KZ Sexual Lubricant>
 Narrator: Don't waste it. It's powerful stuff.

<Use » Woman's Handkerchief>
 Narrator: There is a use for the hankerchief, Larry, but that's not it.

<Use » Bowling Ball>
 Narrator: There's only one way to use a bowling ball, Larry, and that's right
           up your alley.

<Use » Wad o' Dough>
 Narrator: There's only one place on this ship where you've spent money....

<Use » "Prudish And Proud" Sans Jacket>
 Narrator: This book is too naked without a cover.

<Use » Others>
 Narrator: You don't need to use that in that way, at least not now, here.
 Narrator: There's no need to use that there.
 Narrator: That doesn't work with that.
 Narrator: Those? Together? Hardly.
 Narrator: You know, sometimes when you put one and one together you get...

 Narrator: Doing that will get you nowhere.

09.)                    CHARACTERS                                   G0900

Larry Laffer, the protagonist in this game and all games prior, make his last
appearance in a true Larry adventure game. This time he is stuck on a cruise
ship and his main trophy is to win the Thygh's Man Trophy allowing him to spend
the rest of the cruise with the captain, a very hot captain.

Dewmi Moore only loves money, and preys on simple-minded casino winners to play
her game of Strip's Liar Dice. If you beat her, she might just have to take off
all her clothes instead.

Captain Thygh, the hottest captain across all oceans, spends all her time in
her cabin with the latest contest winner. This is hopefully you next time. Oh
and she also likes wealth.

Jamie Lee is a designer trying to get her latest fashioshow together, if only
she would have the latest in fashion cloth. Maybe Larry can help her find it.

Wang, the ship's cook, guards the meat counter in the Heaven' Ho. The buffet is
all free but put a limit on the spam you can eat, yet some people still manage
to eat too much for his stock.

Victorian Principles is the ship's prude librarian, but like all librarians is
a closet nymphomaniac (according to Larry's dreams). You can turn her into Wild
Vicky by giving her the right reading materials.

Drew Baringmore spends most of her time sunbathing at the clothing optional
pool, and the rest trying to wash off the suntan lotion. Both of these
activities are done nude of course.

The Juggs, a country music duo made up for Wydoncha and Nailmi, one of them
being the mother and the other the daughter, but you can't really tell who is
who unless they talk to each other.

Wydoncha Jugg is one of the Juggs, the daughter of Nailmi.

Nailmi Jugg is the mother of Wydoncha and together they form the Juggs country

Peggy is the deckhand with the foulest mouth across all seas. Fortunately this
game is censored and you will be saved from all that filthy talk, and only
stick with filthy pictures of the hot babes instead. Peggy knows a lot about
the ship though and talking to her might just help to find a certain cabin boy.

Mr. Boning is the richest guy on board, and also the oldest. He is married to
Annette Boning who would rather be a rich widow than getting boned by this guy
much longer.

Dick is the clothing optional pool bouncer, and will bounce you if you wear
any clothes but a cod piece to cover your...well, Dick. He also won't let you
go in with a suitcase mind you.

Xqwzts is the cabin boy with an impossible name. He lives beyond the employee
area and desperatly wants a passport to escape his reality.

Peter the Pursor is the gay guy on the journey, and Larry doesn't want much to
do with him. Unfortunately, being a pusor and all, Larry must often contact him
to get stuff done, and find out information. Peter is also in charge of
handling anything with the TMT contest.

The Fire Chief is not really a deep character, but he gives you hint to get the
game going and kind of saves your live at the start of the game.

Johnson is the bartender guarding the Juggs' dressing room at the same time. If
you are nice to him he might just make a lime juice (which also keeps him busy
from guarding the dressing room).

Ship's Announcer, is a girl sitting at the pursor's desk, but you will hear her
through the game over the loudspeakers. She also seems to have the hots for you
when you win a competition, and not so much if you fail badly.

Annette Boning aka Woman in Black, a mysterious woman who sees Larry as the
perfect killer for ancient husband. She treats Larry "nice" and seems to know
what he wants, but in the end she pays him off rather than go through with any
sexual favors.

Jacques the croupier, with a name like that he is naturally a Frenchman with
an attitude, also hating dumbass Americans and probably hating his life and
everything else too. He is available to guide you through the craps table.

Judge Julia, Julia Child in disguise, is one of the tree judges at the cooking

Judge Graham, Graham Kerr in disguise, is one of the tree judges at the cooking

Judge Paul, Paul Bocuse in disguise, is one of the tree judges at the cooking

Willy is a Bill Clinton impersonator, and a robot as well. He will appear in
the later stages of the games and continue telling jokes as long as you stay,
or he finally runs out of jokes. This is almost half an hour of gags so if you
want to hear them all (and get the point for listening to them all) then be
prepared for a long stay.

Rod, the clown, can be found up on the Fo'c's'le as a random encounter. He
makes balloon animals for Larry and could possibly be Larry's long-life

Shamara, the main attraction of the sixth game, makes a brief appearence at the
start of this game. She is also much hotter than previously.

Narrator. You will have to get used to this guy as he has more lines than
Larry, and he knows everything in the game.

10.)                    LOCATIONS                                    G1000

This area has the entrance door to the Captain's Quarters, as well as the
current competition standings on a big board. If you really think the numbers
count for something you can go and check it out, and maybe knocking on the
captain's door could lead to a preview of what's to come.

Captain's Quarters:
You will only gain entrance to this once you are crowned the trophy winner
which will take you some time to accomplish. Naturally you will still need to
continue running errands once you win.

This is actually the front of the ship (the stern, also called forecastle or
"fouksel" if you need to know how to pronounce it), although at one
conversation in the game will also come up. Here you can find Peggy and Rod
at random.

Promenade Deck:
This extends from the bow to the stern, running along the side of the ship.
Peggy will run along here, and a fire hose is also kept "safe".

Aft Deck:
The back of the ship, here you can find Peggy and random and also find your
way to the lounge.

Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge:
This is a ship within a ship, which is partly used as a stage and bar but also
for important announcements such as the competition introduction.

Clothing Optional Pool:
This is a pool for nudist lovers, although Larry does not enjoy showing off all
of his body for some reason. Drew Baringmore on the other hand, really enjoys
doing exactly that. She is the main reason you are coming here.

Boning's Suite:
Boning is a super old tycoon with a super hot, young, greedy wife. They have
the owner's suite on the ship and you are only invited to come here by her
ladyship herself, and you will have to perform certain tasks once you gain

This neat yet messy kitchen houses lots of flies and even a giant snake. You
will find a lot of useful things here, and later you must cook your masterpiece
for the cook-off competition.

The Heaving Ho':
This is the name of the restaurant on board. It has a buffet, a meat counter,
an extra room for special dining and is naturally adjacent to the kitchen.

Purser's Desk:
Just off the atrium is the purser's desk, attended by Peter the feminist
purser. You unfortunately have to seek out this place several times and deal
with Peter along the way.

Das Grande Atriumo:
Your starting point on board the Bouncy, and a grand view at that. There is a
library entrance in one of the levels, and the upper levels will be used in the
8th Larry game "Lust in Space" - if that were ever to happen.

Prude Victorian Principles administers all books in the library, which also
contains collectibles unrelated to just papers bound together.

Horseshoes Competition:
One of your competitions deals with throwing horseshoes. Simple enough, if you
would not suck so badly and the ship's movements make this more hell than
anticipated (or maybe you just suck and this is an excuse).

Poop Deck:
The Juggs enjoy a bath in this area, and that's all there really is to do
unless you want to check out more scenery.

Captain Queeg's Ballroom:
The ballroom is used for a fashion show on this cruise, yet it cannot start
until designer Jamie Lee Coitus can find the latest cloth to show to the world.
It is up to you to find this of course, as Jamie is just to busy arranging the
show and "dreaming" in the ballroom - try it yourself sometime.

Sexual Prowess Competition:
Having to win a comepetition that measure Larry's sexual prowess obviously
throws you an impossible task, if only you could get somebody that good to help
step in for you.

Pair o' Dice Casino:
No cruise ship going into international waters would be complete with a casino,
and they go all out for this one with a huge gambling area. The only game you
can play here is craps and you can only win by cheating, so if you want to play
some slots then you will need to get Larry's Casino.

Employees Only:
Super well guarded, but once you make it past the tense security you can enjoy
pretty much nothing because the staff do not really keep this place clean. You
could find something interesting in the lockers though.

Cook-Off Competition:
This is the place where you must win over three judges' heart and soul with
your cooking skills, or just plainly drug them to win.

Bowling Competition:
Bowling is apparently not your cup of tea, but maybe with some special spray
and treatement you can win this after all.

Forward Hold:
The Beaver hold, apparently beaver are the thing on this cruise, and not just
the animal kind.

Cabin 510:
Dewmi Moore resides here, inviting rich guests to play Strip Liar's Dice. You
can come and go once you are invited, but once you win the game you not see
Dewmi again.

Cabin 0:
Your cabin, and this special cabin houses many surprises.

Aft Hold:
This place holds all the luggage, with either a homage to Raiders of the Lost
Ark or just a huge mess here.

Best Dressed Competition:
One of your competitions is to be wearing the best dress. Naturally your dress
code has been out of style since the 70s but you can try to persuade a certain
fashion designer that polyester is in again, and the competition will also
get updated accordingly.

El Replicant Sculpture Garden:
The entrance to the casino features two beautiful statues built entire with
dice. This place also happens to be just below the horse shoe competition.

11.)                    STRIP LIAR'S DICE                            G1100

Strip Liar's Dice is played with Dewmi Moore in her cabin (510). This is by
invitation-only and details are described in the walkthrough. Strip Liar's Dice
plays just like Liar's Dice but with the added stripping to pay off debt as you
may know from Strip Poker.

Let's see... you're across the table from a beautiful woman and the name of the
game contains the word "strip." This probably has nothing to do with an old

You are betting on how many dice of a specific number are under both cups (e.g.
the total number of sixes). Since you only know what's under your cup, you have
to guess (or infer from Dewmi's bets) how many there are in total.

In the upper-left corner are two circles. The left one is your dice cup, the
other is Dewmi's dice cup. During the game, you can normally see only your dice
and she can only see hers, unless someone challenges forcing both players to
show. In between the dice cups are two l-shaped areas where players can show
some of their dice (more on that later). Below each cup is an area to hold dice
you've lost, and you and Dewmi's financial standings.

In the lower right is the betting area, and the buttons you use to bet or
challenge. The betting track goes from left to right, with the lowest bet being
1 one, and the highest being 10 sixes. Note the bulls-eyes interspersed with
the regular bets. They are special bets and don't follow the same sequence as
the others. For example, 2 bulls-eyes is higher than 3 of anything, and 3
bulls-eyes is higher than 5 of anything.

Above the betting track is the pot. When you buy dice, you pay the pot. When
you sell clothing, you collect from the pot. The player who runs out of money,
clothes, and dice loses. The other player collects the pot.
Clear as mud? Keep reading, it gets better.

The game is played with ten special dice, five to each player. Each die has a
bulls-eye instead of a one-spot. The bulls-eye functions like a wild card.
There are four steps to each round.

The dice are rolled automatically. Lie back and enjoy it.

One player makes the opening bet. It's "ladies first" (but Dewmi goes first
anyway). After the first round, the winner of the previous round bets first.

The other player either challenges or raises. If you raise, you can also choose
to show some dice.

Once a challenge is resolved, the losing player may buy back a lost die for
$100 (paid to the pot). If the loser is broke and tries to buy a die, he'll
automatically sell an article of clothing to raise money (clothing is worth
$100-300, depending on the item).
Then on to the next round. The winning player makes the opening bet, and play

After the dice are rolled, carefully consider how many of each number and/or
bulls-eyes you think are in play.
Place your bet using the betting bar in the lower right corner. Remember:
bulls-eyes are wild and always count as the same die as the current bet. So if
the bet is 5 sixes, all bulls-eyes count as sixes. If the bet is raised to 6
threes, all bulls-eyes then count as threes. You can also bet the bulls-eyes
directly by clicking the bulls-eyes on the track.

To enter your bet, click the number of dice on the number bar and the value on
the die faces at the right. If you click a bulls-eye on the bar, you bet only
bulls-eye. All the other spaces can show 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6.
Once you've selected a valid bet, and optionally shown some dice (more later),
click the BET button.

You think there are at least 3 sixes on the board. First, click the white
square above the digit 3. Then click the six die on the right. Finally, click
the BET button.

You think there are 3 bulls-eyes on the board. Click the 3 below the bulls-eye.
There's no need to click a die.
After your bet, Dewmi will either raise or challenge. If she raises, it's your
turn again. You may then raise or challenge her. Remember: bluff all you want,
the name of the game IS Liar's Dice!

Increase the die value, or increase the number of dice and pick any die value
(2 through 6). If Dewmi bets 2 fours you may raise her by betting 3 anything, 4
anything, 5 anything, etc. Or you could bet 2 fives or 2 sixes. You can't bet
on a lower die number unless you go higher (further right) on the betting
Note the bulls-eyes bets are treated differently, and are interspersed along
the betting track. Just remember that you need to go right. You can't go from 3
bulls-eyes to 4 sixes, for example, because 4 sixes is a lower (further left)

If Dewmi raises and you think she's wrong (or bluffing!), click the CHALLENGE
button! If you're right, Dewmi loses a die. If you're not, you lose one.

"Show And Re-Roll" increases your chances of winning. When it's your turn to
bet, you may show one or more dice, then re-roll the rest.
To show dice, click them to remove them from your cup. Make your bet the normal
way, then click the BET button to bet and re-roll your remaining dice. Dice you
show stay in play and count toward the challenged bid. Once you've shown them,
you can't take them back until the next round.

- Bluff.
- Lie.
- Fib.
- Prevaricate.
Have fun!

12.)                    GAGS                                         G1200

These are the gags (jokes) told by the Bill Clinton android "Willy" in the
Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge:

Willy: How do you recognize Al Gore when he's surrounded by Secret Service
       agents? Easy. He's the stiff one.

Willy: What do I say to Hillary right before sex? See you in an hour.

Willy: One day I was jogging along the beach when I found a lamp. I rubbed it
       and a real Genie appeared. I was amazed. "What's your wish?" he asked.
       "Obvious," I replied. "Peace in the Middle East. See this map? Make
       these countries stop fighting each other." The Genie looked at the map
       and then looked at me. "Dammit, man! I'm good, but I'm not THAT good!
       These countries have fought for thousands of years. It can't be done.
       Make another wish." I knew exactly what I wanted. "You know my wife,
       Hillary? Make her the most beautiful woman in the world and make
       everybody like her." And do you know what that Genie said? "Lemme see
       that damn map!"

Willy: The other morning, I jogged down to MacDonald's with Hillary's new
       puppy. A guy yelled at me, "Cute puppy." I replied, "Yeah, ain't she? I
       got her for Hillary!" And he yelled back, "Good trade!"

Willy: Last summer, Al Gore and I were guests at a barbecue fund raiser, when I
       noticed an old dog lying by the podium licking himself. I leaned over to
       Al and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." You know what Al said?
       "I dunno. He looks kinda mean to me!"

Willy: Here's a Bob Dole joke for ya: How's an old man like a bumper sticker?
       The older they get, the harder it is to get 'em off. Right, Elizabeth?

Willy: Now ladies and gentlemen, if there's one thing you know about me, it's
       that I am an expert on the fairer sex. Now follow me on this. From age
       13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored. From age 18-30,
       she is like Asia: wild and exotic. From age 30-45, she is like the
       United States: fully developed and free with her resources. From age
       45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has
       points of interest. From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody
       knows it's down there, but, nobody really cares.

Willy: What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? Most of the time
       you get an onion with really long ears. But every once in a while, you
       get an ass that'll bring tears to your eyes!

Willy: An airliner went through some really violent turbulence. Rough enough
       that the flight attendants strapped themselves in and many of the
       passengers were air sick. When they finally got through it and the air
       calmed, the captain's voice came over the intercom, "Well, folks, that
       was quite some ride, wasn't it?  But we came through it fine, and I'm
       glad to report it looks like the remainder of our trip will be calm. On
       behalf of myself and the flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much
       for your cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in
       Boston." Then, wrongly believing he had switched off his microphone,
       said to his co-pilot, "What a friggin' ride! Man, could I use a strong
       cup of coffee and a blow job right about now!" As a stricken stewardess
       dashed up the aisle to inform him his mic was still on, a sweet little
       old lady called out to her, "Honey! Don't forget his coffee!"

Willy: Once when I was in college I ate a hash brownie... but I didn't swallow.

Willy: Know my definition of "safe sex?" Anytime Hillary is out of the White
       House! - Andrew Fairthorne told me that joke! Pretty good, huh?

Willy: That FBI file we got on Al Lowe? Honest mistake! I swear. And you know
       you can trust me....

Willy: The Pope dies and, naturally, he goes to heaven. He's met by St. Peter
       at the Pearly Gates and, after a whirlwind tour, is told that he can
       enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides he's going to
       read all the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures. After an eon
       or so to learn the languages, he sits down in the library to pore over
       every version of The Bible. Suddenly there is a scream in the library.
       The angels come running, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair,
       crying to himself, muttering, "`R!' They left out the `R!'" God takes
       him aside, offers him comfort and asks him about the problem. The Pope
       sobs again, "It's the letter `R'... the word was `CELEBRATE!'"

Willy: The convent is being remodeled and two nuns are assigned the task of
       painting the library. Mother Superior cautions them not get even a drop
       of paint on their habits. After discussing this for a while, the two
       nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and
       paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at
       the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a
       voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other
       and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man
       into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits!" says the man. "Where do
       you want me to put these blinds?"

Willy: "Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot." Oh, I don't want to talk about the
       book, I just LOVE that title!

Willy: Don'cha just love those Republicans? Bob Woodward writes bad stuff about
       Nixon and he's a liar. Bob Woodward writes bad stuff about Reagan and
       he's a liar. Bob Woodward writes bad stuff about me and he's a
       thoroughly researched journalist!

Willy: So what if Hillary consults with the dead?!? What about Nancy?! I say:
       what about Nancy?!!

Willy: The other night, I dreamt I was the Ayatollah Khomeini. Then I woke up
       and realized Socks was sleepin' on my face.

Willy: Is it just me, or does Jimmy Carville sound like a hillbilly in a

Willy: Vice President Al Gore had been working lots of late nights with me.
       Tipper decided to give him something to come home for. She bought a pair
       of crotchless panties and when Al came walking in, there she was:
       sprawled across the sofa, with her new purchase clearly displayed.
       "Don't you want a little of this, honey?" she purred. Al took one look
       and said, "Not after what it did to those panties!"

Willy: A guy dies and finds himself in hell. He's totally depressed. "Sure I
       may have led a wild life," he thinks, "but I can't believe I was THIS
       bad. I didn't know it would come to this!" The admissions counselor
       notices his heavy heart. "What's the matter, young man? You seem
       depressed." "Well, what do you think? I'm in hell, aren't I?" The
       counselor replies, "Well, yeah, but it's not so bad. We have a lot of
       fun here. Do you drink?" "Well, sure. I like to drink." "Well then,
       you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. Nothing but
       the finest whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, anything you want and as much as
       you want. And no hangover 'cause you're already dead! Yeah, you're gonna
       love Mondays. Do you smoke?" "Well, sure. I like to smoke." "Well then,
       you're gonna love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays we smoke up a storm. Nothing but
       the finest cigars, the best cigarettes. And no worries about cancer
       'cause you're already dead! Yeah, you're gonna love Tuesdays. Do you do
       drugs?" "Well, I mighta done a little in college." "Well then, you're
       gonna love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we do drugs all day. You can have
       all you want of any drug you've ever heard of. And no worries about
       ODing or addiction 'cause you're already dead. Yeah, you're gonna love
       Wednesdays. Do you gamble?" "Well, sure. I like to gamble." "Well then,
       you're gonna love Thursdays. On Thursdays we gamble up a storm. All day,
       all night, Blackjack, craps, poker, slots, horse racing, everything! And
       you never have to pay your bookie 'cause you're already dead! Yeah,
       you're gonna love Thursdays. Are you gay?" "Uhh...no." "Oh. Well then,
       you're gonna hate Fridays...."

Willy: One of my secretaries stopped at a bar in Georgetown for a drink. As she
       waited at the bar, she was startled to hear a bowl of pretzels say,
       "Lady, you are beautiful!" She was questioning her own sanity when the
       bowl of peanuts said, "Lady, you not just beautiful, you are gorgeous!"
       As the bartender returned with her drink, she told him, "Your bowl of
       pretzels said I'm beautiful. And your peanuts said I'm gorgeous." And
       the bartender replied, "But, of course. They're complimentary."

Willy: I knew this guy (who shall remain nameless) back in Little Rock who
       called his wife one evening and said, "Honey, I've been invited to spend
       a week fishing with some of my best customers, but they're leaving right
       away. Could you pack my clothes, my fishing gear, oh, and don't forget
       my blue silk pajamas.  I'll be home in a few minutes to pick them up." A
       hour later, he flew in the house, grabbed his stuff and raced off. A
       week later, he returned. His wife asked, "Have a good week, dear?" "Oh
       yes, honey. It was great! But you didn't pack my blue silk pajamas." His
       wife smiles and says, "Oh yes I did. They're in your tackle box!"

Willy: When I was in grade school, my teacher played a game. She said, "I'm
       holding something behind my back  that's long and hard and has a pink
       tip." I quickly raised my hand. "Is it a pencil, teacher?" "No, lil'
       Billy," she said, "but I like the way you're thinking." So I put my hand
       in my pants and said, "Teacher, I'm holding something in my pocket
       that's round and hard and has a head on it." She cried, "That's it!
       You're going straight to the principal's office, Billy!" "Wow," I said,
       "it's only a quarter, but I like the way YOU'RE thinking!"

Willy: When I was young I wanted to become a priest until I found out what
       "none" meant!

Willy: Why do men have belly buttons? So co-eds have a place to park their gum
       on the way down.

Willy: What did the doctor say to the man who was nervous about being
       circumcised? Well, it won't be long now.

Willy: The room service waiter delivering breakfast was greeted by a beautiful
       young woman in a see-through nightie. As soon as he closed the door, she
       pounced on him, ripped off his clothes, and screwed his brains out.
       Afterwards, when they were dressed, she said, " Oh, here. I almost
       forgot," as she handed him a dollar. "What's this for?" he asks. "Oh,
       this morning when I asked my husband `what should I tip the waiter?' he
       said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar!"

Willy: When we were both in college, Al Gore and I went to Fort Lauderdale for
       spring break. But when I finally found Al, he was very very sad. "Man,
       I'm just not gettin' any. What am I doing wrong?" So I told him, "Put a
       potato in your pants. It gets them every time." The next day, I saw him
       again. "Having any luck, Al?" "No," he says. "In fact, I'm doing even
       worse!" So I said, "Al, try putting the potato in the front!"

Willy: The young lady was obviously displeased with her new lover's
       performance. "You must be the world's worst lay," she scolded. "I think
       not," he replied. "That would be too great a coincidence!"

Willy: A young lady answered a personal ad in the paper and arranged a date
       with a nice-sounding man. At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang. But
       when she opened the door, she got a surprise: the nice-looking  fellow
       standing there had no arms or legs! "I'm the guy from the ad in the
       paper." "Yes, but, but," she protested. "Oh, you've probably noticed my
       physical challenges. But look at it this way. Since I have no  arms, I
       can't hit you. Since I have no legs, I can't run around on you." She
       considered all this. "Well, perhaps. And you are quite attractive. But.
       can you satisfy my needs?" she said. "I reached the door bell, didn't

Willy: An attractive young mother was having the "birds and bees" lecture with
       her little girl. "To make a baby, the daddy puts his sperm in the
       mommy's tummy." "I don't understand," the little girl said. "If the
       daddy puts his sperm in the mommy's tummy, does that mean the mommy has
       to swallow the daddy's sperm?" "Well, only if the mommy wants jewelry."

Willy: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a
       dollar a bag but deer nuts are under a buck.

Willy: Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising
       through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls
       his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, "it'll be a
       couple of hours before I can check it out." And the penguin replies,
       "I'll head across the street and check out that grocery store." He
       immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the
       next two hours  munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a
       couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic
       takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." To which
       the penguin blushes and replies, "Oh, no! That's just vanilla ice

Willy: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

Willy: Know how a French woman holds her liquor? By the ears.

Willy: What's the difference between Hillary with PMS and a pit bull? High-
       heels and lipstick.

Willy: A male and female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they
       passed under the very whaling ship that killed the male's father five
       years before. Excited at the chance to exact revenge for his father's
       death, the male says, "Let's swim right underneath the ship and expel
       air through our blow holes until we capsize their boat. That ought to
       make them think twice about killing innocent whales!" The female whale
       agrees  and together they manage to sink the whaler. But their
       celebration is short-lived when they notice most of the sailors are
       swimming to shore. "Let's gobble them up!" cries the male. "No way,"
       says the female: "I agreed to the blow job, but there's NO WAY I'm
       swallowing seamen!"

Willy: I had a buddy back in Arkansas who divorced his new wife when he found
       out she was a virgin! I asked  him, "Why'd you do that, Virgil?" And he
       replied, "Hell, if she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't  good
       enough for me!"

Willy: The florist delivered a dozen roses to Kate's office. "Damn," she said
       to her friend, "Now I'll have to spend the entire week-end with my legs
       up in the air!" Her friend replied, "What's the matter, honey? Ain' cha
       got a vase?"

Willy: I have such a good memory that I can remember events that occurred
       before I was born. In fact, I distinctly remember going to the drive-in
       with my father and returning home with my mother.

Willy: Did you hear they hired a doorman down at the sperm bank? His job is to
       tell each guy, "Thanks for coming!"

Willy: Do you know the difference between light and hard? Personally, I can
       sleep with a light on.

Willy: Here's a hypothetical for you: if you came across Newt Gingrich drowning
       in the middle of a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing
       him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed
       would you use?

Willy: One night last week, I needed some inspiration, so I decided to take
       long walk. Passing the Washington Monument, I prayed to the spirit of
       President Washington, "George, you were our country's first great
       leader. Everyone trusted you. How can I gain the people's trust?" And I
       swear I heard the voice of President Washington say, "Never tell a lie."
       I thought this over as I walked on. Passing the Jefferson Memorial, I
       prayed to the spirit of Thomas Jefferson, "Tom, you established the
       basis for our entire legal system. You were a very popular President.
       How can I improve my popularity?" And I swear I heard the voice of
       President Jefferson say, "Never raise taxes." I winced a little but I
       kept on walking. Passing the Lincoln Memorial, I was getting desperate,
       so I prayed to the spirit of President Lincoln, "Abe, you were a man of
       great integrity. You abolished slavery, and in so doing, helped free all
       Americans from an uncivilized institution. Abe, how can I set our people
       free today?" And you know what that danged Lincoln said? "Go see a

Willy: What does George Bush have in common with Gennifer Flowers?  They were
       both upset when I finished first!

Willy: Hillary bounced into the Oval Office today. "Why are you so happy?" I
       asked her. "Oh, I just came back from Bethesda Naval Hospital and my
       annual physical," she replied. "The doctor said I had the breasts of a
       25-year-old!" I asked her, "What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"
       "Oh, your name didn't come up!"

Willy: Chelsea, my lovely daughter, was out walking with a couple of her girl
       friends when they spotted Newt Gingrich about to be run over by a car!
       They quickly pulled him out of the way onto the curb. "You saved my
       life, ladies," said Newt. "As Speaker of the House, I'm a very powerful
       man here in Washington. What could I do to repay you?" The first girl
       says, "I want to go to Georgetown." Newt replies, "I'll take care of it
       for you." The second girl says, "I want to go to West Point." Newt says,
       "No problem. I'll take care of it for you." He turned to Chelsea. "And
       what can I do for you, Chelsea Clinton?" She says, "I want to be buried
       in Arlington National Cemetery." Newt says, "That's an odd request for
       such a young woman!" "Maybe so, but when my Daddy finds out I saved your
       life, he's gonna kill me!"

Willy: One night, in the middle of nowhere, a traveling salesman's car breaks
       down, right by a farmer's house. The salesman knocks on the farmer's
       door, the farmer answers and says, "Sure you can spend the night here,
       but you have to sleep with my 19-year-old son. But only if you promise
       not to..." "Wait. Never mind," interrupts the salesman as he starts back
       to his car, "I'm in the wrong joke."

Willy: Newt Gingrich and I were discussing family values. Newt said, "I never
       slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" And I replied, "I
       don't know, Newt. What was her maiden name?"

Willy: What do a hurricane and a marriage gone bad have in common? They both
       start off with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end, somebody
       loses a house.

Willy: Did you hear about the scientists that discovered the million year old
       bacteria inside that meteorite from Mars? It's great to know that
       SOMEwhere there's a life form older than Bob Dole.

Willy: Some of the women in Arkansas are so fast, I had to put a governor on

Willy: Two nuns were bicycling down a cobblestone street when the first one
       said, "Sister Catherine, I don't believe we've ever come this way
       before." And Sister Catherine replied, "Must be these cobblestones!"

Willy: Well, it seems a woman walked into the pro shop at a country club with
       tears streaming down her face. The Golf Pro said, "Oh, my God! Lady,
       what happened?!" She replied, "I got stung by a bee!" The Golf Pro said,
       "I'm so sorry. Where did it happen?" She replied, "Between the first and
       second holes!" To which the Golf Pro answered, "Oh, that's your problem!
       Your stance is too wide."

Willy: You know, I've been in love with the same woman for over 20 years; and
       if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Willy: You know the worst three words you can hear while making love? "Honey,
       I'm home!"

Willy: You know the difference between a liberal and a puppy? The puppy stops
       whining once it grows up.

Willy: Why was Ross Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected? Cause if he won,
       she'd have had to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Willy: You know why Arkansas only holds driver's training classes three days a
       week? The other two days they use the cars for sex education.

Willy: You know Paula Jones' favorite game? Swallow the leader.

Willy: You know why we didn't stage a White House Christmas pageant last year?
       Couldn't find three wise men OR a virgin!

Willy: Hillary and I were at the opening game of baseball season. A Secret
       Service agent whispered something in my ear. I looked at him funny, but
       figured, "well, okay; he works for the Secret Service." So I grabbed
       Hillary by her belt and the scruff of her neck, and tossed her over the
       seats and out onto the playing field. The Secret Service agent looked
       shocked and whispered to me again. I looked at him sheepishly and said,
       "Oh. first PITCH!"

Willy: Other than me, you know the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
       Interstate 55.

Willy: The Senate held a spelling bee and the finalists were Dan Quayle, Ted
       Kennedy, and Bob Packwood. You know who won? Dan Quayle. Yep, he was the
       only one who knew that "harass" was one word.

Willy: What's the difference between a porcupine and a limosine filled with
       lawyers? On the porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside!

Willy: Rush Limbaugh and Janet Reno found themselves alone on an elevator.
       Janet grabbed the STOP button and pulled it out, stranding the pair
       between floors. She stripped off her clothes, threw them on the floor,
       and ordered, "Rush, make me feel like a  real woman!" So Rush took off
       HIS clothes, threw them on the floor, and ordered, "Iron and fold

Willy: You know why Al Gore abolished coffee breaks for civil servants? Took
       too long to retrain them!

Willy: The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a
       can of beer at me. Fortunately, it was a draft, so I dodged it!

Willy: I'd like to state categorically that there's absolutely no truth at all
       to the vicious rumor going around that at my inauguration I had the
       Marine Band play "Inhale To The Chief!"

Willy: Didja hear about the blind prostitute? Ya gotta hand it to her!

Willy: You know how Las Vegas is different from Washington, D.C.? In Vegas, the
       drunks gamble with their own money!

Willy: A man walks into a doctor's office. *deep voice* "Doc. Ya gotta help me.
       Do something about my voice." *normal voice* "Why, certainly, sir. Take
       off all your clothes and hop up here on the examination table... Whoa!
       Never mind. I can see exactly what your problem is. You suffer from
       Penile Elongation." *deep voice* "Is it serious?" *normal voice* Oh,
       it's a simple operation. We'll just shorten you a foot or so. You'll
       still have plenty left to live a full, rewarding life." And so he did.
       About three months later the same guy returned. "Doc, remember that
       operation you did? I kinda miss... uh, the way I used to be. How about
       sewing part of that back on?" To which the doctor replied, *deep voice*
       "No way. A deal's a deal!"

Willy: What's the difference between a tribe of wily pigmies and a girls' track
       team? Well, one's a bunch of cunning runts....

Willy: These two explorers were on safari out in the jungle and they got
       captured by a tribe of natives, who dragged them back to their village
       and tied them up to a stake. The chief of the tribe came up to one of
       them, looked him in the eye, face to face and said, "I give you a
       choice:  death or Ki-ki." The explorer looked around and said, "I'll
       take Ki-ki." And the chief said, "Okay. Ki-ki." They untied him and
       threw him down on the ground. All the men in the tribe had sex with him,
       and they beat him to a bloody mess with spiked clubs. The chief went up
       to the other explorer, looked him in the eye and said, "I give you a
       choice: death or Ki-ki." And the other fellow said, "Well, are you
       kidding? I'll take death!" And the chief replied, "Okay. Death! ...But
       first: Ki-ki!"

Willy: Two brothers worked on a farm. Driving home from the big city, their
       truck broke down. They went to the nearby farmhouse and knocked on the
       front door. The farmer said, "What can I do for you?" The brothers said,
       "Our truck broke down and it's too dark to try to fix it. We were
       wondering if you had a place where we could spend the night." The farmer
       said, "The only room I have is my daughter's bedroom. I suppose you
       could sleep on the floor. But no hanky- panky or monkey business in
       there!" The two brothers agreed. "We're gentlemen. We just want to
       sleep. We'll be out of here when the sun rises." So, they're in the
       daughter's bedroom trying to go to sleep, when the daughter, who was in
       the full flower of her girlhood, taps one of the brothers on the
       shoulder and says, "Hey! Would you like to `roll in the sack' with me?"
       The brother says, "Yeah, well, sure. Why not?" The daughter says, "Now,
       you wouldn't want to catch anything, and I wouldn't want to get
       pregnant, so I want you to wear this." She hands him a condom. He puts
       it on, jumps in the sack, and has a "roll in the hay" with the lovely
       daughter. When they're finished, the daughter taps the other brother on
       the shoulder and says, "Your turn, good looking. But you don't want to
       catch anything, and I don't want to get pregnant, so wear this." She
       hands him a condom, he puts it on, jumps in the sack, they "roll in the
       hay," he gets back down on the floor and goes to sleep. Early the next
       morning, they fix their truck and they're on their way. A couple weeks
       later, the one brother says, "Hey! You remember that farmer's daughter a
       couple weeks ago?" The other one says, "Boy, do I!" And the other one
       says, "Do you really care if she gets pregnant or not?" And the other
       one says, "Well, no, not really." "Well, then. Let's take these damn
       things off!"

13.)                    SECRETS & CHEATS                             G1300

• Find all dildos, easter eggs and get 1,000 points in the game to see an
  extra scene at the end of the game.

• Press Ctrl + C during the Strip Liar's Dice game to see what is under cup.
  You can also drag the lid away by pressing Alt and using the left mouse

14.)                    GAME CREDITS                                 G1400

Designer, Writer, Director
........................................Al Lowe
Producer, Sound Effects and Additional Music
........................................Mark Seibert
Ass't. Designer and Writer, Programmer
........................................Don Munsil
Animation Director
........................................Jason Zayas
Lead Programmer
........................................Steve Conrad
........................................Mark Martino
Background Design
........................................Jason Piel
Lead Background Artist
........................................Layne Gifford
........................................Bill O'Brien
........................................Al Eufrasio
Art Technician
........................................Bob Munsil
Art Technician
........................................Bryan Wilkinson
Quality Assurance Lead
........................................Jennifer Gibbs
Sound Effects and Additional Music
........................................Ben Houge
Voice Director
........................................Al Lowe
Voice Casting
........................................Al Lowe, Don Munsil
Voice Auditions
........................................The Voicecaster
Voice Recording
........................................Hollywood Recording Services
Voice Recording Engineer
........................................Mike Hanley
DREAMS Software Specialist
........................................David Henry
Background Photographer
........................................Al Lowe
Best Boy's Ass't. Hairdresser
........................................Dale Christensen
Leisure Suit Larry theme composed by
........................................Al Lowe
Music composed and arranged by
........................................Frank Zottoli
Original music performed by
........................................Frank Zottoli, Piano
........................................Kim Hutchcroft, Woodwinds
........................................Tom Warrington, Bass
........................................Claudio Slon, Drums
........................................Mark Seibert, Guitar, Synths, Perc.
........................................Al Lowe, Soprano Saxophone
........................................Steve Conrad, Trombone
Original music recorded at
........................................Chick Corea's Mad Hatter studios
Music engineered and mixed by
........................................Jeff Hall
........................................at Maximus Studios
Configuration Testing by
........................................Michael Brosius and
........................................the entire Sierra Oakhurst
........................................Quality Assurance Team
Beta Testers
........................................Geoff M. Keighley
........................................Linda Lindley
........................................Wesley Litt
........................................Tom Marley
........................................Dan Milano
Beta Testers
........................................Steve Porter
........................................Della Rogers
........................................Mark Schey
........................................Michael Shavelson
........................................Charles M. Solen
Packaging and Documentation
........................................Heather Lavin
........................................Kerri Willard
Special Thanks To:
........................................Terese Gant
........................................Colette Bottinelli
........................................Cindy Vanous
........................................Eric Twelker
........................................John Williams
........................................Bill Moore
Special Thanks To:
........................................Scott Lynch
........................................Jerry Bowerman
........................................Mike Brochu
........................................Bob Davidson
........................................Ken Williams
........................................Walter Forbes
........................................Zippy the Inflatable Wonder Llama
........................................The World Famous Talking Bear
........................................and all the moms, dads,
........................................husbands, wives, girl friends,
........................................boy friends & significant others
........................................without whom this game would
........................................have been done months earlier.

Animation Credits, for Animotion:
Supervising Animators
........................................David Hicock & Larry Royer
Key Animation
........................................David Hicock
........................................Larry Royer
........................................John Bloom
........................................Bill Davis
........................................Marcus R. Gregory
........................................Fran Krause
Paint Coordinator
........................................Jennifer Robin
Computer Ink & Paint
........................................Jennifer Darsney
........................................Marcus R. Gregory
........................................Fran Krause
........................................W. Aric Miller
........................................Jennifer Robin
........................................Peter Wynn
........................................Jim Burns
........................................Julie Cornfield
........................................Jennifer Darsney
........................................Aaron P. McDowell
........................................Matthew S. Filer
........................................Jose Mercado
........................................W. Aric Miller
........................................Jon C. Parker
........................................Jeff Whitaker
........................................Michael Pringleton
........................................Jennifer Robin
........................................B. J. Walker
........................................Guillermo Zubiaga

Animation Credits, LA West:
Director of Animation
........................................Ivan Tomicic
Project Coordinator
........................................Susan McGirr
Production Assistant
........................................Danijel Tomicic
Animation Team Leaders
........................................Jurica Saravanja
........................................Ivica Horvat
........................................Jurica Saravanja
........................................Damir Semenov
........................................Zvonimir Cuk
........................................Ivica Horvat
........................................Kristian Dulic
........................................Zeljko Bracic
Digital Ink & Paint, Computer Artist Lead
........................................Peggy Skrlec
Digital Ink & Paint, Computer Artists
........................................Sasa Zec
........................................Snjezana Lisica
........................................Peggy Skrlec
........................................Darko Dukaric
........................................Ivana Baric
........................................Snjezana Lisica

The Cast:
........................................Leisure Suit Larry - Jan Rabson
........................................Narrator - Neil Ross
........................................Dewmi Moore - Sheryl Bernstein
........................................Drew Baringmore - Mary Kay Bergman
........................................Annette Boning - Tasia Valenza
........................................Victorian Principles - Jennifer Darling
........................................Jamie Lee Coitus - Mary Kay Bergman
........................................Nailmi Jugg - Kathy Levin
........................................Wydoncha Jugg - Mary Kay Bergman
........................................Peggy - Herself
........................................Captain Thygh - Sheryl Bernstein
........................................Shamara - Julie Amato
........................................Peter - Scott Bullock
........................................Johnson - Kevin Richardson
........................................Dick - Scott Bullock
........................................Jacques - Michael Golff
........................................Wang - Scott Bullock
........................................Willy - Michael Golff
........................................Mr. Boning - Neil Ross
........................................Xqwzts - Michael Golff
........................................Judge Graham - Kevin Richardson
........................................Judge Julia - Sheryl Bernstein
........................................Judge Paul - Kevin Richardson
........................................Rod - Neil Ross
........................................Female Ship's Announcer - Tasia Valenza
........................................Male Ship's Announcer - Neil Ross

The Following Songs Covered by Blank Productions and Licensed by Michael
Shavelson Track Marketing Partners:
........................................written by: Bell, Bell, Smith, Brown,
........................................Taylor, Mickens, Toon, Thomas and
........................................published by: Warner-Tamerlane
........................................Publishing Corp. - BMI; Second Decade
........................................Music Co. - BMI; WB Music Corp. - ASCAP
"Get Down On It"
........................................written by: Bell, Bell, Taylor, Brown,
........................................Smith, Mickens, and Deodato
........................................published by: Warner-Tamerlane
........................................Publishing Corp. - BMI; Second Decade
........................................Music Co. - BMI; WB Music Corp. - ASCAP
"Inna Gadda Da Vidda"
........................................written by: Ingle
........................................published by: Cotillion Music, Inc.
........................................BMI; Ten East Music - BMI; Iron
........................................Butterfly Music - BMI; All rights for
........................................U.S. and Canada administered by
........................................Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp.
........................................BMI; All rights for the world excluding
........................................U.S. and Canada administered by Ten
........................................East Music
"Le Freak"
........................................written by: Edwards & Rodgers
........................................published by: Sony Songs, Inc. - BMI;
........................................Tommy Jymi, Inc. - BMI; Bernard's
........................................Other Music - BMI; All rights on
........................................behalf of Sony Songs, Inc. administered
........................................by Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp.

XX.)                    FAQ                                          GXX00

Q: Is this the final Larry game?
A: Time-based question, but it really is the final Leisure Suit Larry game
   by the original Sierra team. Anything that follows after (Magna Cum Laude,
   Box Office Smash) are not related to this series properly.

Q: Is this the same game as on the cell phone/mobile phones?
A: No, that game has a completely different story.

Q: How do you add your picture and voice into the game?
A: Due to time constraints the manual does not point out how you can actually
   accomplish this but the info is on the CD. Find the files BEASTAR.DOC
   (Win95 or later) or BEASTAR.WRI (Win3.x) for the info.

Q: Is there any nudity in this?
A: Oh yes, plenty; but it is all cartoony so keep your hat on. As a parent you
   might take advice before you let your kids play it but to tell the truth the
   raunchy dialogue is a lot more concerning than the graphic nudity.

Q: What is this CyberSniff 2000?
A: This is a card that came with the game. It is the size of the jewel case
   which should come even with the budget releases but who knows. There are
   nine numbered panels which, when scratched, release a scent that fits to the
   current scene. For example, suntan lotion or poop. The game will tell you
   about it for each situation, and also make an unmissable "CyberSniff 2000"
   sound when you have a new smell for the first time. The panels could
   eventually lose their use after scratching 'n' sniffing too often, yet I
   have still found it working after a long, long time. The nine panels
   1: Ocean Breeze          2: ?                     3: Musk
   4: Annette's Perfume     5: Fart                  6: ?
   7: Fish                  8: ?                     9: Chocolate

Q: Is there no way to get stuck in the game?
A: Nope, no dead-ends or deaths. Great!

Q: Who are all these women supposed to be?
A: Just who they are, any similarities to celebrities is entirely coincidental.
   Of course that is not true. Here is a list:
   Victorian Principles          = Victoria Principal
   The Juggs (Nailmi & Wydoncha) = The Judds (Naomi & Wynonna)
   Drew Baringmore               = Drew Barrymore
   Jamie Lee Coitus              = Jamie-Lee Curtis
   Annette Boning                = Annette Bening
   Dewmi Moore                   = Demi Moore
   Captain Thygh                 = Just a hot captain (according to Al Lowe the
                                   name came from Captain Bligh, captain of the
                                   HMS Bounty, from the book Mutiny on the
                                   Bounty. "Thygh's Man Trophy" as a joke on
                                   the Heisman Trophy only came later.)

   And while I am listing all other females in the game:
   * Shamara, your ex
   * Peggy the ****ing deckhand
   * a "hot" judge Julia who looks and talks remarkably like Julia Child
   * those boat babes from the introduction scene
   * the large opera woman from the hotel Larry jumps off in the beginning
   * ship's announcer (apparently has the hots for you when you get a high
     score but otherwise is not interested)
   * some ladies Larry runs into in front of cabin 0
   * several background people which I will not detail here
   * there are lots of beavers (unfortunately they are real animals)
   * finally, Al Lowe points out that all guys on the ship are references to
     "penis", who would have thought...

Q: What is "Where's Dildo"?
A: It is a pun on "Where's Waldo" where you have to find Waldo in a still
   picture. You have to find all dildos spread around the ship (X-something
   tells you that but it is rather easy to figure out from just playing the
   game and clicking on your first dildo)

Q: Who is Shamara?
A: She was the ultimate goal in the previous Larry adventure (Part 6). Without
   giving away too much details, the story continues right from the events that
   happened at the end of that game.

Q: Can I get the pictures of the girls without winning their respective story?
A: Yes, they are all stored on the CD. There is a folder called 'Drivers' which
   contains eight files called 'MEMORYX.DRV" where "X" represents a number.
   Simply open these files with a graphics program.

Q: I heard there is a trick to teleport around?
A: That is correct. Here is how to do it:
   The game looks in your LSL7 directory for a "magic file" named CLASSES (with
   no extension). It can be zero-length, as long as it is there. Here is one
   way to create it:
   Start Notepad.
   Type nothing. Just do a File > Save As...
   Click the Browse button and maneuver your way into the LSL7 directory.
   Name your file CLASSES. Click Save.
   Exit Notepad.
   Switch to the LSL7 directory. Notice that Notepad conveniently added a .TXT
   extension for you, which you now must remove.
   Right-click on CLASSES.TXT and choose 'Rename'. Erase the .TXT leaving the
   name just CLASSES. Ignore Windows helpful error message about how this may
   end life as we know it.
   Once that naked CLASSES file is safely tucked away in your LSL7 directory,
   you can Teleport!

   Anywhere in the game, press the gray minus key (that's the one on your
   keyboard's 10-key pad, not the one near the P key) while holding down both
   Shift keys. This brings in the Debug module. Ignore any error messages.

   Now, whenever you want to change scenes, type Alt-T. A dialog box will
   appear. Type in any of the following numbers (note: this info is publicly
   available and I have kept the location names the same and thus some are not
   the same as used in the rest of my guide).

   TP#  Scene
   100  Mgm Sierra Opening
   110  La Costa Lotta Bedroom
   120  Shamara's Front Room
   130  Title Screen
   151  Game Ending (Clean)
   152  Ending Scene (Dirty)
   200  On The Mizzenmast
   210  Bridge Exterior
   211  Bridge Interior
   220  Captain's Suite
   221  Going Inside The Captain's Suite
   222  Talk To Captain
   230  Aft Deck
   240  The Lounge
   242  The Juggs Singing
   245  Juggs' Dressing Room
   246  At The Door To The Juggs' Room
   250  Horseshoe Competition Area
   255  Poop Deck
   256  Talk To The Juggs
   260  Promenade Deck
   261  Talk To Peggy
   262  Fo'c's'le
   300  Going To The Swimming Pool
   301  Changing Cabana
   302  Talk To Drew
   310  Boning Suite
   311  Boning Exterior
   312  Talk To Annette
   320  Blind Dessert Testing Room (Dark)
   323  Inside The Tasting Room (Light)
   324  Look At Annette's Chair
   330  Heaving Ho Restaurant
   331  Talk To Wang
   340  Lobby (Lower Level)
   341  Purser's Desk M. S.
   360  El Replicant Sculpture Garden
   363  On The Scaffold
   370  Casino
   371  At The Crap's Table
   380  Employees Only Break Room
   381  Break Room Door
   387  Talk To Xzywts
   390  Bowling Competition Area
   400  Inside Queen's Ballroom
   401  Talk To Jamie
   402  Ballroom Exterior
   403  Your Dance In The Ballroom
   410  Luvmaster 2000
   420  Cook-Off Competition Area
   430  Library
   432  Prude Vicki
   433  Wild Vicki
   440  Best Dressed Competition Area
   500  Pinsetter Hold
   501  Pinsetter Bulkhead Door
   510  Enter Dewmi Moore's Cabin
   511  Start The Game Of Liar's Dice
   512  Win The Game Of Liar's Dice
   520  Beaver Hold
   521  Beaver Bulkhead Door
   530  Luggage Storage Hold
   531  Luggage Bulkhead Door
   540  Kitchen
   550  Larry's Cabin 0
   551  Larry's Hallway

YY.)                    VERSION HISTORY                              GYY00

v1.0     Complete (8th of December 2010)

ZZ.)                    CREDITS & THANKS                             GZZ00

GameFAQs for hosting this file.

Sierra and especially Al Lowe for the game. Visit his site at www.allowe.com

All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their
respective trademark and copyright holders.

This guide may be not be reproduced under any circumstances except for
personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or otherwise
distributed publicly without advance written permission. Use of this guide on
any other web site or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited,
and a violation of copyright.        ,,,
                                    (o o)

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odino lives in Japan with her three kids, trying to blend into Japanese life and culture while pretending she's a fluent speaker - but actually most of her knowledge was only learned from watching J-Doramas and playing video games...