Review by Da Ass Man

Reviewed: 10/12/01 | Updated: 10/12/01

Having an enema is a greater adventure

So much to complain about, where to begin? There is a minimal story line, the graphics and sound have a lot to be desired, little replay value; this game has more problems than the Detroit Lions. You will find that amongst the old school Nintendo classics, this game emits an odor more foul than Rush Limbaugh's jock strap if he played a double header (note: this is unlikely since the guy is more unathletic than Notorious P.I.G.).

Story: 1/10 - About as interesting as watching that Jared guy from Subway gain all his weight back. Master Higgins, the main character of the story, has his girlfriend Tina kidnapped by the evil witch doctor... the creators must have been ''flogging the dolphin'' when they were supposed to think of new ideas because this story stinks. What is Master Higgins exactly the master of? Boring the player to the point of self-mutilation? S and M? The game never elucidates on this ever important mystery.

Graphics: 4/10 - Yeah, it was old school Nintendo days so it stunk, but some games (the mario series, excite bike, metroid) almost seemed improved by those poor graphics because you get an old school feel when you play. There will be none of this in Adventure Island. Aside from the fruit, nothing looks good, especially Master Higgins, who looks like he is going through labor with his breathing. The only thing that looks worse is the witch doctor, who has a different head each time you fight him... these heads are even more nasty looking than Dr. Laura Schlessinger!

Sound: 2/10 - What is it good for? *Pelvic Thrust* Absolutely nothing! Same annoying music in every stage accompanied by annoying sounds for jumping, throwing hatchets, dying... I ain't got time for this jibba jabba.

Replay: 4/10 - Somewhat amusing at first, you will probably only play it however just to say you have beaten the whole series (the other two games are actually pretty good). Aside from that, everything looks like you live in the stone age without dinosaurs... kinda like Afgahnistan right now. None of the enemies really look like dinosaurs and you simply walk around get fruit and fight animals, very different from the Jurassic look that the series is known for. My feelings towards this game are not suitable for public utterance.

It's too bad that this is the case since the rest of the series is quite enjoyable.

Rating:   1.5 - Bad

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