Review by Deacon Frost

Reviewed: 04/25/03 | Updated: 04/25/03

Now I know why this is considered an American sport...

Value of this game at Gamestop: $0.75. Value of hysterical laughter of friends and family at this serious(?) attempt at a sports game: priceless.

Who or what IS 10 Yard Fight, exactly? Well, the nicest thing possible that I can say about it is that it's the biggest hunk of crap to slide down the chute of sports gaming history in decades, possibly ever. And yeah, I know it was made in 1985 or thereabouts, and I'm perfectly aware that it was a freshman effort for the NES, which was then still a new and mysterious machine, but come on... my brother ended up using it as an ashtray.

Stories are rare and wonderful things for 8-bit games, and it should come as no surprise to anyone that 10 Yard Fight lacks one of these. In fact, it's definitely the best thing about the game. I can only imagine what this title would be like if they'd thrown in a plot about steroids or a kidnapped princess. Thankfully, imagination is as far as that goes.

The visuals are simply amazing in 10 Yard Fight. You may not think so at a glance. But think about it. When was the last time you saw such bland, drab, and uninspiring graphics in a video game? When was the last time it took you half of a game to figure out which brightly colored blobs were people (aside from BMX XXX)??? Hopefully not since you played this game. I simply cannot stress enough how awful this game looks. Pinball, Wrecking Crew, and Mario Bros. are Da Vincian masterpieces compared to this inkblot in disguise.

This category possibly ranks the highest in 10 Yard Fight. There is absolutely no sound at all, which means you get away with some of your sanity intact. Well, I suppose I'm exaggerating a bit. There are about ten different effects used for various actions like snapping the ball, making a touchdown, passing, choosing a defender, tackling, and dashing the cartridge against the concrete in anger and disbelief. There's also a funky tune (kind of) that kicks in during a play that sort of sounds like all of these sounds combined, a la Mario Paint. My apologies to Mario Paint.

I may like my women thick and chunky, but definitely not my control in football games. Remember that fat kid in gym class that couldn't run a mile to save his life? Kids like him from across the nation seem to have allied and formed their own football league. Good luck pulling off anything that even remotely resembles a play of substandard intelligence, because you'll be mucking around for so long with the unresponsive control that by the end of the game the Olsen twins will have already made their inevitable Playboy appearance.

In an era that offered absolutely nothing else in the realm of football gaming (until Tecmo Super Bowl came along), 10 Yard Fight still managed to disappoint. Two player games will offer a minimal amount of fun (beer being an absolute necessity), but only for a scant few minutes. Playing through this game alone is a test of endurance; you'd be much better off doing crunches until you pass out, or maybe fasting till the same. Either is far preferable to this monumental waste of time.

Despite the miniscule price tag, I would not recommend purchasing this game under any circumstances. Not even if you're a collector. Seriously, do you need every NES game in existence?? Do yourself a favor and skip this one. It just might scar the image of the revered NES for good.


Graphics: 1/10
''If you were to partake in an all-you-can-eat buffet of every illegal drug imaginable, what you would see would still look better than this game.''

Sound: 3/10
''Screaming children have never sounded so beautiful!!''

Control: 4/10
''If these guys played football like this even in grade school, they'd have scars from the wet towel whippins.''
Performance: 2/10
''Can't really say. I slept through most of my games!''

Overall: 1/10
''If your friend has an urge to play this game, tackle him and break his collarbone.''

''Buy a razor.''
''Too risky. I might think of you and slit my wrists.''
''Like I said, Russ. Buy a razor.''

Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

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