_____             __             _        ___            __
        / ___/___   ___   / /__ ___  ____( )___   / _ ) ___ _ ___/ /
       / /__ / _ \ / _ \ /  '_// -_)/ __/|/(_-<  / _  |/ _ `// _  /
       \___/ \___//_//_//_/\_\ \__//_/    /___/ /____/ \_,_/ \_,_/

                      ____             ___
                     / __/__ __ ____  / _ \ ___ _ __ __
                    / _/ / // // __/ / // // _ `// // /
                   /_/   \_,_//_/   /____/ \_,_/ \_, /

                        ( N i n t e n d o   6 4 ) 

                                Quote FAQ
                       Conker's Bad Fur Day (N64)
      Written by: Ryan Kavanagh (Bonds Legacy) / bondslegacy@yahoo.ca
                  V1P3R                       / rizzo233@juno.com

                     Version 0.5 - Updated: 08/19/01

Table of Contents
I.    Introduction
II.   Revision History
III.  Legal Information
IV.  Quote Guide
      	i.   Game Intro
      	ii.  Chapter 1: Hungover
            iii. Death 
            iv.  Chapter 2: Windy Part 1
            v.   Chapter 3: Barn Boys
            vi.  Windy Part 2
            vii. Chapter 4: Bats Tower
            viii.Chapter 5: Slopranno
            ix.  Chapter 6: Uga Buga		
V.   Credits
VI.  Contact Info

I. Introduction
This guide has every single quote in the game Conker's Bad Fur Day.  It 
might just be things people say, but it will contain spoilers.  READ AT 
YOUR OWN RISK!  Also, this game has adult themes, and I'm not responsible
for the material in this guide.  All words that are bleeped out in the game
WILL be bleeped out on here.  Hope you enjoy!

II. Revision History

Version 0.1 (April 4, 2001)
= = = = = = = = = = = = =

First published version.  Got to the Barn Boys chapter.  Will update soon.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

Version 0.2 (April 13, 2001)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Well, I should have defined "soon".  Added Death scene with Gregg and
finished the Barn Boys chapter. Started Windy Part 2.  I WILL update it
soon this time.  Promise. =P

Version 0.3 (May 6, 2001)
= = = = = = = = = = = = =

Ok.  Soon isn't in my vocabulary.  Sorry.  Got done with Windy Part 2,
and added Manuel when you don't have enough money. Small update, I know.

Version 0.4 (May 25, 2001)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I could keep making excuses, but...nah.  Anyway, I got done with the whole
Bats Tower chapter.  Enjoy!

Version 0.5 (June 24, 2001)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Ok.  I've been rather busy, working all summer and weekends are a hassle.
To make up for it, here is Slopranno (many people will like this part)and 
Uga Buga.  I'll try and get Spooky by next week.  Enjoy!  Also, I fixed a
part in the Gregg scene (thanks to PikaNerd, who gave me the line, and
Deadhand, who kept complaining.)

III. Legal Information
This guide is sole property of V1P3R (John Clerici)  and Ryan Kavanagh (Bonds 
Legacy)on GameFAQs.  Use of this without the author's permission will not be 
tolerated and be pursued under Copyright Laws.  If you want to use this on 
your site, contact me at rizzo233@juno.com (V1P3R) or bondslegacy@yahoo.ca 
(Bonds Legacy), and I will see.  The game Conker's Bad Fur Day is 
copyrighted and made by Nintendo and Rare.

This document is copyrighted (c) 2001 by Ryan "Bonds Legacy" Kavanagh and 
may not be posted/distributed anywhere without my permission. If I find out
you have an unauthorized version of this FAQ on your site/magazine, I will 
be forced to take legal action. If you wish to host it on your site,then 
feel free to contact me at the above address. (bondslegacy@yahoo.ca)

As well as being copyrighted, this document is also under protection by 
the Canadian Copyright Act. Look it up if you don't believe me. But this 
document is still copyrighted 50 years after I die. Which won't be for 
some time.

IV. Quote Guide

i. Game Intro
= = = = = = = 

Throne Room (Future)

(Camera zooming out from Conker on his throne as Conker's voice is in

Conker: Well.  There I am. Conker the King. King of ALL the land.  Who'd a
thought that?  But how did I come to this, I hear you say.  And who are
those strange fellows that surround my throne.  It's a long story.  Come
closer, and I'll tell you. It all started yesterday, and what a day that
was!  It's what I like to call, a bad fur day.

Drink Time

(Camera showing Berri....exercising.)

*Phone ringing*

Berri's answering message: Hi.  You've reached, like, Berri's place. I'm
not available to answer the phone, obviously!  However, if you leave your,
like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back.  Ciao!

Conker on other line: Hi Berri. Hello....Berri if you're there, pick up.
Hello! Oh. Anyway, look...

(Camera pans to the Cock and Plucker Bar)

Conker: I'm going to be a bit late.  Met up with a couple of guys, and
they're off tomorrow to some... I dunno, fight some war somewhere.  Anyway.

(Camera pans back to Berri's house)

Conker: I'll see ya....uh...love you!

*Conker makes kissing noises. Laughter in background.*

(Camera pans back to the bar)

Conker whispering: I think she bought it.

Anonymous person: Conker.  Put the phone down!

Conker: Oh, okay... Right.  Whose round is it?

Multiple voices: Yours!

Conker: What, again?  Okay...can someone lend me a fiver?

::Some time later::

Conker: Ugh...I don't feel so good now.  You guys enjoy yourselves and all
that.  And I'll probably see you sometime next week.  I gotta go home.
I'll go this way...er, no, that's the toilets.  I'll go this way then.
Yep.  That's better.

(Camera and Conker outside the bar.  A monk is beside Conker.)

Conker: Doesn't look too good tonight.  Ugh.  Ooh.  Hang on a sec.

*Conker barfs next to the monk, which splatters all over him.  Monk makes
hissing noise.*

Conker: Ah, ha.  Sorry about that, old chap.  Gotta go.

*Conker walks off to the left of the bar (right from the camera's view.)*

(Camera with Conker, who's standing in front of a Nice/Nasty sign.)

Conker. Can't quite make it out.  Anyway, seems pretty familiar to me.

*Wasps stealing the bees' hive behind Conker.*

Wasp: Comon comon quick quick!  Shhh. Comon!

Conker: Eh.  What was that?  Ah well.  This way I suppose.

*Conker heads off on the trail behind him.*

Panther King

(Camera goes to the throne room with the Panther King.)

Skinny Guard: More milk, sire?

Panther King: Yes.

*Skinny guard pours milk into the glass.  King drinks 2/3 of the glass
with one gulp.  He sets it down on the table with a "problem."  The table
tips over, and the glass falls off.*

Skinny guard: *Gulp*

*Panther king roars as steam comes out of his mouth.*

ii. Chapter 1: Hungover

(Conker is just waking up.  He's hungover.)

Conker: Uhhhhh....

*Conker looks around....dizzily*

Conker: *Hack cough gag* AH!  Oh no...it's gonna be one of those days.


*Conker walks up to Birdy*

Birdy: Uh.  Who are you?

Conker: Oh.  Hello.  Can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed
cause I don't feel very well at all.

Birdy: Er.  Home?  Nooo.  Noo.

Conker: Oh.  So you can't help me at all.

Birdy: Actually...yeah..yes, I can.  Maybe.

Conker: Um...okay...what's your name?

Birdy: Birdy.

Conker: Beardy?  But you haven't got a beard.

Birdy: No.  Birdy.  I scare birdies.

Conker: Okay Birdy.  So, how can you help me?

Birdy: Right.  Step over here.

(After Conker steps on the B pad)

Birdy: You see those buttons?  Actually you'll find that, eh...eh, they're
called context sensitive.  Hehehe. And..eh..well, actually...they eh...
press B.

Conker: Press B.

Birdy: Oh yeah.  The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting!  Ting
noise.  It goes ting. 

*Lightbulb appears over Conker and goes "Ting!"*

Birdy: There you go.  Ting....that's it.

Conker: That's it?

Birdy: Yeah.

Conker: Okay I'll press B.

(Pressing B causes Conker to pull out a bottle of beer)

Conker: Ohhh.

Birdy: Eh.  I don't mind if I do.

*Birdy chugs the beer*

Conker: So...what does that mean?

Birdy: It means context sensitive.  It's sensitive to context.  Try it
over there.

*Birdy points to other B pad as gate opens up*

Conker: Okay.

Birdy: Or you could try it again.

(If you press B again, a bottle of helium will come out)

*Birdy sprays it in his mouth*

Birdy in higher voice: Really nice helium.  Hehehe.

(If you press B yet AGAIN, another bottle of beer will come out)

Birdy: Ah.  Don't mind if I do.  Thank you very much.

*Birdy chugs the beer again*

Birdy: Ahh.  I'm going to go to bed now.  Night-night.

*Birdy falls asleep*

(After pressing B on the new B pad)

*Conker takes out some Alka-Seltzer, puts it in glass of water, shakes it
up, and takes a swig.  Gets better and throws glass away*

Conker: Wow.  Just what I needed.  In fact, it would seem to me that these
give me just what I need at that moment in time...ooh...I see what he means
.  Context sensitive.  Clever..hmm..and I feel loads better!  Right. Let's
get out of here.  Oh, and by the way.  If for whatever reason you want to
skip all these wonderful cutscenes, then just press the L button.  But, you
will have to have watched them at least once.


Conker's thoughts: Oh.  I can't seem to get any further. I'm sure there was
something....ah yes.  Now I remember!  Hold down Z and I should crouch...
now then...what was it?  Oh yeah...press A to jump extra high.  Then A
again to do that funny helicoptery tail thing.  Now that makes me hover.
Hmmm..I should easily get across that gap.


Conker: Ah.  Who's this guy?

Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way, you can think again.

Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer.  I just wanna get past, please.

Gargoyle: No!  I don't think so.  I've only just got comfy.  Have you ever
sat on a piece of gothic architecture for two hundred years?  Gets right up
your arse you know.  Thought it was about time to move to a bridge, say, 
and I'm not moving now.

Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about 
gothic architecture?

Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things of 
another nature.

(You go close, Gargoyle picks you up, shakes you around, and throws you to 
bottom of cliff)

Frying Pan

(You enter the room.  Key is bouncing around. You try to catch it, to no 

Conker's thoughts: Hang on...there's something missing here.  Didn't I
have a....ah...try pressing B and see what that does.

(You press B.  You have a frying pan.  Catch key and go back out)

Gargoyle REVENGE!

(You smack Gargoyle with the frying pan)

Gargoyle: Hah.  A frying pan!  Hahahaha.  You stupid little...

Conker's thoughts: See ya.

*Gargoyle falls off cliff.  Rocks fall and block path*


(Press B on new B pad)

Conker: Plunger with dynamite.  Um, I think I know what's gonna happen now.

*Conker pushes plunger down.  Rocks explode*

Conker: Woah! Yep.  Fantastic.  Let's go and get some shut-eye...finally!

iii. Death

!Note! This happens the first time you die.  You can't see it again unless 
you start a new game, so TAPE IT! 

::Conker is laying in the middle of the floor as this big shadow grows 

Gregg (In deap voice): Conker.  Conker!  Conker!! Yes, you boy.  You're
dead.  You are dead!  Dead as a Dodo.  Deader than a...

*Gregg walks out holding megaphone as the megaphone stops working properly*

Gregg: I can't be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption.  Whose
idea was this anyway?  Right.  Hello.  Um, my name's Gregg, the Grim Reaper
and don't laugh!

Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a grim reaper?

Gregg: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before mate?  What am I
supposed to look like?

Conker: Yeah.  Good point and well made.

Gregg: Now.  Let's see...

*Scroll appears in front of Gregg*

Gregg: Ah.  Yes.  Conker... surname?

Conker: The squirrel.

Gregg: The squirrel...the..

*Scroll vanishes*

Gregg: Oh bloody hell you would have to be a sodding squirrel wouldn't you?

Conker: Why, is there a problem with that?

Gregg: Well, yes there is, actually.  It's like those bloody cats.  Such a 
pain in the arse.  You're one of these "special cases."

Conker: Oh really.

Gregg: Yes.  Apparently according to the powers that be...I'm just doing my 
job.  I do what I'm told.  I don't even get paid very much.  Apparently, 
squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with.

Conker: Oh.  I see.  So, I'm not dead.

Gregg: You're dead...but not...quite...

Conker: Huh.  Right.  Well, uh, I'll be off then.

*Conker starts to walk off*


*Greg brings his scyth down in front of Conker's path*

Gregg: Smart arse.  You don't get out of it that easily.  Now.  The thing
is, you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die.  You just
have a few more....shall we say...chances.  Yes.  Like cats.  I hate those
things!  Distributed around your little world are these tail things.  
Squirrels' tails.  If you can get them, I'll give you an extra chance. 

Conker: Um..well, sounds a bit strange, but okay.

Gregg: STRANGE?  It's the best bloody deal you're going to get you little 
prick.  Right.  That's it.  Piss off.  I've got some cats to see.

*Greg walks off murmuring*

Gregg (murmuring): Bloody things.  I hate those bloody cats.  They way they 
meow and they piss everywhere, and their shit smells just bloody awful, all
over my furniture...

iv. Chapter 2: Windy Part 1

Mad Scientist
= = = = = = =

(Mad Scientist is rolling around in his hover chair)

Scientist: Have I got everything?  Have I got everything?  Hurry hurry
hurry you know what he's like you know what he's like.  Make a good
entrance.  Zis could be important.

*Scientist hovers over to Panther King*

Panther King: Ah.  Professor...welcome.  I have a job for you...as you can 
see..the table!

Scientist: Ze table!  Ah yes.  So, you have spilt ze milk again?  That's 
not gut.  Not gut!  Let me have a look at it for you....yes.  I...I think I
see the problem.  I vill see vat I can do.  You must give me a moment,
though.  I vill come back later.

*Scientist starts to leave*

Panther King: Don't be too long.

Scientist: Ah..I will be as quick as I can sire.

Panther King: Cause you know what happened last time.

Scientist: Oh.  Heh.  Only too well only too well.  I will go now.

*Scientist tries to leave again*

Panther King: I don't want to have to get the duct tape out again.

Scientist: Yes!  I mean, no!  I don't want you to get the duct tape out
again.  Goodbye!  Goodbye!

*Scientist leaves the King's chamber*

(Back in Scientist's lab)

Scientist:  Duct tape.  I'll give him the duct tape.  ******* arsehole.  
I'll come down here I'll show him where the duct tape is I'll show him
where to stuff it!  Stupid ******!  All I do all day is try and sort his
stupid ******* problems out.  Asshole! I ******* hate that ******!  Anyway,
vat ver ve?  Ze milk ze milk ze table ze table oh vat shall ve do vit zis?
Um.  Clean slate, ja, clean slate.  Anti-gravity chocolate...is kinda
vurking...ah zat vill do zat vill do out the ******* vindow vith vat!

*Professor hits chocolate out window.  Lands in front of Conker*

Mrs. Bee Part 1

(Mrs. Bee flies down to Conker crying)

Mrs. Bee: Oh those nasty, nasty wasps.  What ever shall we do?  My
beautiful have has gone...

Conker's Thoughts: Hope she's rich cause she ain't cute.

Mrs. Bee: ...and I'll never see it again now.

Conker: What do you want me to do about it?

Mrs. Bee: Please get it back for us.  Otherwise, I don't know what we're 
going to do.

Conker: Ok ok calm down.  I'll go and get it for you.  Now, where is it?

Mrs. Bee: Just follow the signs.

Wasps Part 1

(Conker picks up hive. Wasps fly out of big hive)

Wasp 1(With Cigar): Hey!  Some wise guy is trying to steal our nice new

Wasp 2(Skinny): C'mon boss!  Let's go get him!

Wasp 3(Fat): Yeah!  Let's get him!

(After you return the hive)

*Hive turns into turret gun.  Mrs. Bee flies into it.  Barrels extend.
Mrs. Bee aims at Wasp 2*

Wasp 2: *Gulp*

Conker: Eat lead, mother buzzer!

*Mrs. Bee begins firing.  Hits Wasp 2 and 3.  Misses Wasp 1*

Wasp 1: You'll never get me!

*Mrs. Bee fires one last shot.  Hits Wasp 1*

Mrs. Bee: Oh, thank you Mr. Squirrel.  None of this would have happened if 
it weren't for that no-good husband of mine.  He's gone off, you know, with 
another woman.

Conker: Oh.  Really.  That doesn't surprise me.

Mrs. Bee: What? 

Conker: Nothing!

Mrs. Bee: Anyway, as a reward for your good service to the bee community I 
present you with...this!

*Money comes out from behind bee hive*

Money: Somebody call for me?

*Conker's eyes turn to dollar signs and spins around*

Money: Who wants some of the dough?

*Conker picks up money and stuffs it into pocket*

Conker: Yeah!  Cash prizes!
Dung Beetles

*Dung beetles pop up*

Beetle 1: Alright, who's dis?

Beetle 2: It looks like one of them squirrels.

Beetle 1: I reckon we should get down there and kick the shit out of him.

Beetle 2: Ah, wait till he comes up here alright?

Beetle 1: Okay then.  Yeah.


(Stand on giant stone B Pad)

*Birdy pops up*

Birdy: Hello.  It's me again.  Mr. Scarecrow Birdy.  Right.  What seems to 
be the problem?  Oh yes.  You need manual.  Otherwise, no.  Doesn't work.
It'll cost you.

Conker: Oh.  How much?

Birdy: Eh..got any mepsipax?

Conker: What?

Birdy: Don't matter.  Actually, eh...I think, eh.....well, eh, ten dollar. 
Long time.  You love manual long time.

::Don't have money::

*Birdy sits there waiting.  You can hit him with the frying pan and he'll 
tell you to **** off.

::Do have money::

*Conker pulls out money*

Conker: Here ya go.

*Birdy swipes money and pockets it*

Birdy: Here ya go.

*Hands manual to Conker*

Birdy: Manual.  Just press B.  Ahahahaha.

*Birdy walks off farting with the money in his back pocket*

Money: Oh!  Ugh!  Ah!  Get me outta here!  Hey, you. Come here!  Come on!

*Money hops out and goes back over to Conker*

Money: I wanna go back in there!  Hurry up!

Conker: Ok.  Suits me.  Yeah.  Cash.

*Conker pockets money*

Manual Reading

Conker's thoughts: Ah.  Seems to be an instruction book.  Oh, I see.  It's
for the more complex stuff.  It will appear the first time you use a more 
complex zone.  And, if you need again, just press L and B.  To skip it, 
just press B.  The catapult.  Let's see now.  Use control stick to aim...
and Z to fire.  That seems simple enough.

Which way?

(Conker is deciding to go to the left or right)

Conker: Hmmm.  Let's see.  That way...

*Conker looks to the left*

Conker: Or that way....

*Conker looks to the right*

(Camera looking to the left)

Conker: Hmmm.  That way smells a bit pooey.  Hmmm.  Let me see.

(Camera moves to the right)

*Conker nods*


(Walking to the left)

Conker: Oh Cack!  Agh!

Conker's thoughts: What a stink!  I think this calls for my gas mask.

*Conker pulls out gas mask and puts it on*

Poo Cabin (Closed)

(Sign says, "Closed.  Back at 10.")

Conker: Hmmm.  Ten o' clock.  What time is it now?

*Conker checks his watch*

Conker: Ohhh...Oh well.  I suppose I'll come back later then.

v. Chapter 3: Barn Boys

= = = = = =

(Scientist in his lab)

Scientist: So.  What is the key elements in zis experimentation?  We have..
ze table here.....ze milk in ze glass borken....ah. I see problem.  Oh.
And there seems to be a, hmmm..seems to be a...hmmm...I must do some 
experiments, I think...ja, ja, and we will sort this out.  And when my
Tediz are ready, then, my lord, we will see who uses the duct tape!  Ha ha

Rat troubles

(Blue block is being squished by purple block)

Jack (Blue block): I say, uh, I say little fella.  You better get this 
fat-ass bitch off of my back pronto. 

Conker: Gee.  So many people round here want me to solve their problems. 
What are you gonna do for me, then?

Jack: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I say, I'll tell you what I'm gonna 
do.  You get rid of that freaking mouse critter....

(Camera shows mouse with serious gas problems)

Jack: ...and maybe I'll help you out.  Just maybe.  Oh.  Just one more
thing, I say, just one more thing.  You might run into my friend, Burt.
Just mention my name, Jack, and everything will be just dandy. 


(Camera at cheese coral)

Conker: Hi.  You must be Burt.

Burt: I'm Burt.

Conker: Jack sent me.

Burt: I'll open the gate for you here, and you can get on with what is it 
ever you're trying to do.

(Camera shows gate opening)

*Cheese yells and hops away*

Conker: That's all you do?  Great.


(When you take the first piece of cheese to Marvin [The mouse])

Marvin: That was nice!  *Burp* I'd like another though, if that's okay.

(Second time)

Marvin: Marvelous!  One more should just about do it.

(Third and final time)

*Marvin bloats up like a balloon and gas is going everywhere*

Marvin: Oh no!  I think I've had too much!

*Marvin keep blowing up until he pops.  Body parts go everywhere.  Marvin's 
head lands in front of Conker.  Camera zooms to Marvin's ribs, which let
out one final fart.  The big purple block lady jumps off Jack*

Jack: Ahhh.  I couldn't a lasted a moment longer there.  Thank you very 
much, Mr. Squirrel.  There's something real neat inside that barn.  You
just gotta get in there, sonny.

Money (On top of barn area)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: So, you want some green stuff?

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  I think the round's on me.  I'm gonna get tanked tonight.
Heh heh. 


!NOTE! This only happens if you went to the left first.

Cool.  This day ain't turned out quite so bad after all!  Huh..oh.  Hang on
.  Let's see...big hand on the....hey.  It's ten o' clock!  I remember.

The Barn

(Conker walks in and sees a bunch of haystacks jumping around.  All of them 
stop except one little one)

Conker: Hey you!  Over there!

*Little haystack stops*

Lil. Hay: Huh?

Conker: Yeah you.  Apparently there's something real neat inside this barn. 
I can't quite see it myself.  Unless, of course, some guys jumping around 
stinking of horse poo's real neat.  Which, of course, it isn't.

Lil. Hay: Heh heh heh.  This is pretty neat!

*Door closes behind Conker and locks itself*

Paint Pot: Hey Franky.  I think there's a little fella over there just
comin in through the door.  I think it's your turn to kick his ass is it 
isn't it his turn?

Paint Brush: Yeah yeah I think it's his turn.  Franky go kick his ass go on 
go on kick his ass!  

Franky (The Pitchfork): I ain't kicking.  It's always my turn to kick their 

Pot: Franky just go over there and kick his ass Franky for ******* sake.

Brush: Yeah, go over there and kick his ass.  Somebody's gotta kick his ass 
ain't gonna be me I'm I'm a brush I don't kick ass.

Pot:  I'm a paint pot anyway I'm a ******* paint pot.  Go and kick his ass.

Franky: I..I...oh, ok I'll kick his ass...but I'm not going over there he 
can come over here.

Pot: Ok ok hey hey quick here he comes quick quick just keep still keep 

*All three of them act like they aren't moving*

(When you move over to them)


Conker: Well, I never.  It's a talking pitchfork.

Franky: Not from around here, are ya boy?

Conker: No.  I'm from the twenty-first century. 

Franky: I don't rightly recollect liking your type...

Conker's thoughts: What the heck's he moaning about?

Franky: Therefore I conclude I'm gonna kick your butt all around this barn 
like there's no tomorrow.  I is gonna stick my big fork into yers.

Conker: Were your parents related...like, before they were married?

Franky: Right.  That's it.  I is gonna give you a whuppin.  Here we go!

(After you beat him)

Pot: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that is the *********, 
crapest, crapiest, ********* kick ass I've ever seen.

Brush: Yeah heh yeah that was pretty crap.  I could kick as kicking ass 
goes, it was abysmal and you is a ******* bastard, stupid bastard heh..
isn't he?

Pot: Yeah, he sure is.  So, what're ya gonna do now, kill yourself, cause 
that's what I would recommend. 

Brush: Yeah.  You should kill yourself.  In fact, we got a rope right here.

Pot: Yeah, we've got a rope.  There ya go.

Franky: What kind of friends are you?  Eh..a..oh, in that case, I is gonna 
kill myself I'm gonna kill myself right now.  That's all there is to it...
and **** you!

(Camera shows Franky hanging from the roof of the barn)

Pot: What are you doing he he he he.  You stupid bastard!  Ha ha ha ha. He 
hasn't even got a neck!

Brush: Yeah look at him up there stupid bastard hasn't even got a neck.  He
hasn't got a neck, has he?

Pot: I already said that.  Shut up!

Brush: Oh.  Okay.

Franky: I don't believe it.  I don't appear to have a neck of any 
description.  In fact, I ain't even got an oesophagus.  Oooh.. diddle di
damn.  I is gonna be up here for some time.

(When you pull the lever)

*King Bee falls out of barn through the door the switch opens with Tickly 
Bees following him*

(After Conker leaves to barn)

*Camera views giant haystack.  Giant Hay jumps down*

Giant Hay:  So, my nemesis is defeated.

*Brush and Pot huddle together shivering.  Giant Hay turns around to see 

Giant Hay: Hah.  Yes.  It's me again.  Right.  Time to wonder around...

*Giant Hay starts jumping around making grunting noises*

Barry and Friends

Bat 1: Hey Barry.  Look at this ******!

*Conker walks in*

Barry: But I'm blind you ****.

Bat 1: Oh use your ******* radar!

Sharp Objects

*Conker tosses hundreds of knives at Franky*

Franky: Ow!  Ooh ow!  Hey!  Woah!  Ah!  Uh!  What the hell you trying to do

*A side-flying clever cuts the rope*

Franky: This is gonna hurt.

*Franky falls to the ground.  The pot and brush laugh at him*

A ride?

::When you walk back over to the pot and brush::

Pot: What'd you do that for?  Dumb ****.

Brush: Yeah..ya ya dumb **** heh heh.

Pot: Why is it you have to repeat everything I say?

Brush: I I I don't repeat everything you say...eh, do I?

Pot: Yes, you do, actually.

Brush: Oh.  Sorry.

Franky: Why.  Thank you Mr. Squirrel.  I was hanging up there by my perty 
little neck.  It's like one of them there executions yous hear about.

*Conker looks over to the pot and brush.  They have execution masks on with 
an axe.  Conker starts to look away, turn back real fast, and they're back 
to normal*

Conker: Um....yeah...anyway, what are we gonna do about this guy over here?

Franky: Well, what do you want to do about him? I'll do anything for you 
cause you is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world.

*Pot and brush start laughing*

Conker: Um.  Just a sec.

*Conker goes over.  You can hear noises in the background. Then, *PLOP*. 
The camera zooms out to show the brush in the pot.  Brush still laughs.*

Conker: So.  What exactly did you have in mind?

Franky: Well now.  Just hop on my back here, and we is gonna go for a ride.

Conker: Yeah.  Okay, but don't get any funny ideas now.  This is purely a 
means to an end.

Franky: I don't know what you're talking about!


::When you hit the hay the first time, he catches on fire.  When you hit
him the second time.....::

*Giant Hay's eye pops out and he turns around*

Franky: Yahoo!

Conker: Uh oh.

*Gaint Hay turn around with robotic eye.  Robotic eye zooms in on Conker, 
and scrolls through various insults.  "Buff you, asshole" comes up on the 

Robo-hay: Buff you, asshole!

::When you hit him a third time, he jumps around causing the floor to burst
open and you to fall into a pit::

The Basement

::Conker falls and hits the ground.  Franky gets stuck, but finally gets
his prongs out of the floor::

Conker: Ow.  I think I've hurt my leg.  Oh nooo.

Franky: Eh.  What's up little squirrel fella?  Eh.  We showed him, didn't
we?  Yeah!  Huh.  That was a piece of cake. 

Conker: Yeah.  It was, actually.  That makes a change.

*Terminator music starts to play as camera zooms in on the fire area*

Conker: I don't think I like the sound of that music...

Franky: I don't think I like the sound of that music either.

*Robo-hay jumps out*

Conker and Franky: AAAAHHH!

*Robo zooms in on Conker again*

Robo: Suzie 9MM.

Suzie: I'm right here, sweety pie.  Just tell me where to shoot.

*Rocket jumps off and flies towards Conker.  Conker ducks in time*


::After last hit, robot explodes as Conker is knocked off Franky.  Robet
leg starts to hop towards Conker, but looses power and dies::

Conker: We definitly showed him that time.  Um...hey, Franky...Franky! 
Where's he gone?  Oh no.

*Conker walks over to Franky's broken body while sad music plays*

Franky: Uh...uuuuhhhh...Mr. Squirrel...I think I'm a goner. 

Conker: You don't look too good.  Um...eh...you may be alright.

Franky: Whaddya mean alright?  Look at me!  I'm broken in two!  I'm just 
firewood from now.  They'll be usin me as toothpicks before ya know it.

Conker: Aw, you'll be alright.  Comon.

Franky: What are ya gonna do?

Conker: Well, I've got an idea.  Okay.  Let's see. 

*Camera looks up while you hear tape sounds*

Conker: Hey.  Hold still!

*Camera looks at Franky, who's now taped together* 

Conker: There ya go.  Good as new.

Franky: Well...eh...it kinda feels alright..well...it ain't so bad after 
all.  Whaddya think?

Conker: Yeah.  Looks great...

Franky: Whaddya mean?

Conker: No, it looks great!

Franky: Ya know, thank you Mr. Squirrel.  I think that of all the people in 
the world that I've ever met, yous is gotta be the most generous, kindest, 
nicest, nicest...

Conker: Ok yeah.  No need to get sentimental.  Anyway, we need to find a
way outta here now.

Franky: Yeah, you could be right.

*Right then, water starts flooding through the holes in the pipes*

Conker: Yep.  Just typical.

Franky: Oh...erm...eh..anyway, Mr. Squirrel, I've..er...I've gotta go!  See 

*Franky hops off*

Conker: Uh.....oh well.  Suppose I better start swimming...eh..don't like 
the looks of those wires.  Better be quick.

Money (Inside Barn)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Who wants to be a millionaire?  Me, actually.


::Conker plummets down to earth, finally hitting the bottom.  He turns back 
into a squirrel and walks around a little wobbely.  The gate then opens
near the bottom area::

Money (In previously blocked-off area underneath)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: So.  Another wise guy?  Comon then.

::Conker pockets the money::

Conker: Cool.  I'm gonna have that gold card before you know it.
Mr. Bee

Mr. Bee: Hey.  Buddy.  Could you spare me a dime?  Hey buddy!  Don't ignore
me ah they always ignore me.  HEY!

Conker: Eh...oh...what do you want?

Mr. Bee: Ya know, in my own contry I am a king!

Conker: Oh.  Really. 

Mr. Bee: Yeah.  That bitch threw me out.  Apparently, the hive keeps
getting stolen.  I don't care.  Couldn't fit in the ******* thing anyway.
Seen how fat she is.  Bitch!  Now I'm reduced to the status of a bum. 

Conker: Well..heh heh.  Yeah.  Anyway, I gotta go now.

Mr. Bee: Eh.  You're like the rest of them.  I ain't gonna tell you about
the big-breated babe then.

Conker: Uh...the..the big what?

Mr. Bee: Ah.  Thought that might have got your attention.  She's lovely. 
Thats why the wife kicked me out.  Uh.  All I wanna do is pollinate her.
Oooh.  She's got stigmas like you wouldn't believe. 

Conker: What do you mean?  I thought you said she had big....

Mr. Bee: Yeah.  Over there, behind us.

::Camera views flower::

Conker: Hang on a second.  Breasts?  But she's a sunflower....

Mr. Bee: Yeah.  What did you expect her to be?  She's a sunflower with big 
breasts!  I'm a bee!  Stupid bastard.

Conker: Ok there's no need to get offensive now.

Mr. Bee: Sorry.  You gotta help me out, buddy.  I don't know what I'm gonna 

Conker: Well....mmm...what's in it for me?

Mr. Bee: Cash.

Conker: That'll do...but I thought you were begging....

Mr. Bee: Well....uh...yeah...just...yeah.....

Mr. Bee's thoughts: Damn.  He's sussed me.

Conker's thoughts: Ha!  Sussed him.


Conker: Hey.  Uh..uh..could you help me out here?  There's a guy over there
.  He says he wants to....something to do with stigmas....Not quite sure. 
Pollinate you?  Sounds a bit strange, but...

Flower: Go away.  Ooh.  That big tail of yours is far too tickly.  Hehehe

Conker: Uh.  No, you don't understand...hey...

Flower: Get that big, long, hairy tail away from me!  Hehehehe

Conker: Ah suit yourself then.

Flower: Oooh.  Be like that.

Tickly Bees

::Conker walks by bees::

Conker:  Hi guys.

*Bees swarm him*

Conker: Ah!  No.  Ah!  Hah hah hahahaha!  No!  Get off!  Hahahah! Don't do
that!  Whaddya do?  No that tickles that tickles.  Stop that.  Stop it!

Bees: Mmm m mm mm mrmrm m mrm

Conker: You're tickly bees? 

Bees: Mmm m m mmm

Conker: You're pacifists?

Bees: Mmmm m m m m mm mmmmm 

Conker: You only like to tickle people...

Bees: Mmm m m mmmmmm mm mm

Conker: Ticklish flowers?

Bees. Mmm

Conker: Like, sunflowers, maybe?

Bees: Mmm m mmm, mm mmmmm

Conker: Hmmm...I think I've got a plan.

::After first batch::

Conker: Ah.  Yep.  That seemed to work.  Oh.  Looks like I need more.  Hmmm
..where could they be?


::After last batch, sunflower stands up and reviels herself::

Conker: There ya go.  She's all yours.

Mr. Bee: Oh.  Ah.  Thank you very much.  I'm going in.  Wish me luck fella.

*Mr. Bee flys in.  Camera looks at Conker.  Sex sounds are in the
background as Conker makes faces*

Mr. Bee: Cheers, little fella.  I feel like a new man. 

Flower: So do I.  Conker, honey.  Fancy going for a bounce?

Conker: A bounce?  O..k..now this is what I call a platform game!

Money (Above sunflower)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Yeah.  I'm here.  Hurry up.  Pick me up.  Shithead.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Excellent!  Jet pack and butlers, here we come.

vi. Windy Part 2

!Note! This happens when you enter Poo Cabin

::Back at the castle....::

*The Panther King is getting impatient, waiting for the scientist*

Panther King: He better hurry up.  What are you looking at?

Skinny Guard: Nothing, sire!

Panther King: Good.  Ah.  I think I can hear him.

*Scientist busts in*

Scientist: Eureka eureka!  I've found it I've found it ja ja eureka!  Oh. 
Aaahh, my lord.  Ha ha!  You'll never guess what!  I zink I have ze problem
.  Now, ve have here, if you look...

*Blueprint comes out of nowhere*

Scientist: ...ze table.  If you analyze ze table closely, as I have done 
most particularly, you vill see zat zere is a gap!  And ve're not talking 
any old gap here, my lord.  It is a sizeable one.  Now, milk goes...here. 
Vat happens?  Ve have ze fulcrum here, ze milk here...veight problem, not 
good.  Milk falls off because of a gap.  Ja.  Zat is vat is ze problem.  Ze

Panther King: Hmmm...I think I see...and, the solution?

Scientist: Ah, now zis is where it gets complicated.  I vas mulling over 
vat would fit in ze gap.  I tried many zings.  I tired...elephants, pot 
plants, uuhh many zings.  But, ze one thing, and I vas sure of it at ze
time.  I vas sure it vas a rodent..and sure enough, it vas!  Zis one...
furrious squidgeterrious, to use the proper vernacular.  To ze lay man, ze
red squirrel.  Zis red squirrel.

Panther King: Hmmmm...yes....squirrel...I've heard of them.  Yes....so? 

Scientist: So it is simple, my liege.  Ve need a squirrel...and ve put him.
..here.  You no spill your milk, ve don't get duct tape.

Panther King: Hmmm..gentlemen.

*Guards were asleep, but wake up*

Skinny Guard: Yes, my liege?

Panther King: Get me one of these...red squirrels. 

Skinny Guard: Yes, my liege.

Poo Cabin

::Conker walks in and sees the Dung Beetle sitting behind the counter. 
Conker takes off Gas Mask::

Dung Beetle: Hey.  Alright, there.  How ya doing?

Conker: Hi, how ya doing?

Dung Beetle: Would you like to come in now?  Yeah, sit down.  Whaddya want?

Conker: Ah.  Uh, this place really smells.

Dung Beetle: Yeah, well, we're like ******* dung beetles and we roll the 
poo around.  **** knows what for.

Conker: Oh, really.

Dung Beetle: Did do do you want some poo?

Conker: Um..I uh...

Dung Beetle: Alright.  Get your ****** arse in there.  There's these
******* cows.  Get em in there.  Get em to crap.  And I'll make you a ball
of poo.  And you can do what the hell you like with it.  Go on.  On your
bike.  Are you still here?  **** off!

Conker: Oh.  Charming.

Bugger Lugs

::Conker come out looking around::

Conker: Ah.  Right, don't see any poo here.  Oh.  Hey, uh excuse me.  Hello
.  Yeah, you.

*Bull looks over at Conker*

Conker: Woah..heh...friendly type.  I'm looking for some poo... I know it 
sound pretty strange, but...

*Bull runs over to Conker* (By the way, the Bull's name is Bugger Lugs)

Bull: Red!  Red!  I don't like red!  I hate red!  Go away!

Conker: Wooaaah!  I take it he doesn't like red.  What, I don't see
anything red around...

*Conker looks down*

Conker: Oh.  Here we go again.


::After running on the nozzle, prune juice falls into the trough::

Conker: Now, logic would denote that something that drinks THAT is gonna 
get the screaming squirts.  Hmmm.  Ah.  That looks distinctly like a target

*Target comes out of wall*

Conker: ...and there we have a bull.  Yes...I think I get it.


::After you hit the target, ramp falls down revieling a cow::

Conker: Aaah.  A cow.  Now that could be useful.  Right.  This looks like
it needs a little bit more hand-on control.  He's a bit of a wild one...

Cow: Oh.  That time again, is it?  Oh, I see Bugger Lugs is out here again. 
Ah well.  Ah.  There's a nice little patch I think I'll have a little bit
of grass.  Moooooo.

::Camera looks at prune-filled trough::

Conker: Need to get her over there somehow.  Hmmmm.

*Painted target on wood door thing pops up from ground*

::After you hit the cow once::

Cow: Ooh.  Stop your nonsense, young man.  Goodness me.  I've quite lost me 
appitite now.  I'm gonna go I'm gonna go for a little meander over here. 
Hmmmm.  Actually, I feel a bit thirsty.  A nice tasty beverage should wash 
this tasty grass down lovely-like.

*Cow walks over to the trough*

Cow: This looks quite nice.  Looks to be cranberry flavored.  Lovely.

*Cow takes a few slups*

Cow: Hmm.  Tastes a bit odd....oh well, I'll have some more.

*Cow keeps drinking when all of a sudden her butt starts erupting with poo*

Cow: Oooh.  Mooo.  Oooh.  Ohh oh ooooh oh.  Oooohh it's like the screaming 
shits it is, I'm outa here!

*Cow runs over to grate in middle of arena and craps in there*

Cow: Ooh.  Ooooh.  Oh, I say, this is far from dignified.  Oh, I hope Mavis 
and Olive don't see this, or I'll never hear the end of it.  Oooh ohh. 
That's a bit...oooh...that's a bit of a...aaaahh.  Ohh.  I'll just stay
here for a while, just in case, ya never know.

Conker: Looks like she's just about ready to go.

::After you do all three cows::

*Conker lands on ground, while the Bull is on the grate.  The grate starts 

Bull. Why am I such a fat bas...

*Grate collapses.  Conker walks over to hear the bull yelling*

Conker: Hmmm.  Seems to be filled up with poo.  Aaah.  That should do it.


::Conker pulls out a bottle of pills::

Conker: Confidence pills.  Hmmm.

*He eats some*

Conker: Ah.  Yeah.  Hey!  I feel a lot more confident.  Won't need these 

*Conker's floaties disappear and pulls out Manual*

Conker's Thoughts: And if I'm a lot more confident, then I should be able 
to swim underwater now.  Hmmm...how would I do that...let's see....Press B,
and that should submerge me.  Then, once I'm underwater, hold down B to
make me swim.  Point the control stick in the direction you want to go.
That's it!

Money (Below Poo Cabin)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  More spondulies!

Poo Balls

Dung Beetle: Yeah, there it is.  Over there.  A big ball of poo.

Conker: Oh thanks.

Dung Beetle: You're welcome to it, mate.

Conker: Yeah, thanks.

*Dung Beetle flies off* (If you use/lose the poo ball, another one will 
come down metal tubes, through the cabin, and plop out on the ground)

Giant Dung Beetle

::Giant Dung Beetle is sleeping, but wakes up, as Conker rolls the poo up 
above his head::

Conker's Thoughts: Just add one stick of TNT...

*Conker plops the TNT into the poo ball and pushes it off.  GDB looks up as 
poo ball rolls into his mouth.  The TNT explodes along with the GDB*

Conker's Thoughts: That's blown it!

Money (Top of Poo Mountain)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Hey, where the **** you been?  Ya ginger bastard!

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool.  Laughing all the way to the bank.

Great Balls of Poo!

::Conker pushes the poo ball into the giant Poo Mountain.  It rolls down
and breaks through the blocking at the bottom:: 

Mine Dudes?

*Mine dude is marching at the bottom of the lake place.  Conker pushes poo 
ball off.  Mine dude looks up as it lands on him.  He keeps marching*

::After hitting the plunger::

*Cork at the bottom of lake pops open, creating a whirlpool and sucking all
the fish down.  The two mine dudes try to swim away, but they are both 
sucked down ending with a burp sound*

vi. Bats Tower

::Conker walks into area through water::

Mrs. Catfish: Yoohoo!  Squirrel person.  Are you begging for food, meow? 

Conker: What?

Mrs. Catfish: Well, you look like you could do with a little extra, my boy,
and we thought you might actually be interested in earning some cash.  Meow

Conker: You're offering me case...o...k...what's the catch?

Mrs. Catfish: Well, there's this awful awful brute swimming around.  He's
terrible, and he's stolen our valuable belongings.  We need somebody
disposable to go in and, well, get rid of him.  Meow.

Conker: Ah.  Me, you mean.

Mrs. Catfish: Well you can't expect one of us to go, can he ladies?  We're 
blue-blooded, don't you know.

Conker: Well, asses to you then!  I gotta watch out for myself!

Mrs. Catfish: Oh dear, what language!

Other Catfish: Don't worry, dear.  He's as common as muck.  Commoners' talk
like that.  It's dreadful, isn't it?

Mrs. Catfish: Let me handle it, dear.  Listen here.  You.  Listen to me.
We'll give you ten percent, and that's our final offer!  Meow!

Conker: Ten percent?

Mrs. Catfish: Yes, but one thing to remember.  Shh shh shh come closer.
He's easily wound up.  Hmm.  Yes...oh, and by the way, the safe has a
combination, yes, you know what that means?  Well, when it's not dangerous
down there for us, hmm, come back and we'll open it for you.  Well, good
luck, go on, chop chop, off with you, uh huh, meow.

*Catfish swim off*

Conker: Hang on a sec.  What was that about disposable?  Hey!  Uh..ah well,


*Bulldog is swimming away from the camera when he suddenly turns around.
Camera zooms in on his face while dramatic music plays*

Carl and Quentin

*Conker walks up to cog*

Carl: **** off!

Conker: Why is it that everybody is so offensive round here?
Carl: Either bring me back me missing cogs, or **** off!

Conker: You don't have to shout.

Carl: I'm deaf.  Speak up or **** off!

Conker: Hmmm..hang on a second.

*Conker flips Carl upside-down, revieling Quentin*

Quentin: Well helloooo.  Well aren't you the handsome one.  Tell me, would
you be prepared to do me a small favor...for a little help, of course.

Conker: Hi..and, um, yes I would...maybe.

Quentin: You see, my other self has lost some of his, shall we say friends?
And if you don't get them back my life will be a misery, it already is.

Conker: And?

Quentin: Just get them back, there's a good fellow.  Oh ta ta, ta ta!

*Quentin flips back around for Carl*

Carl: Eh!  You twat!  Don't ever do that again!  Now **** off!

Bats again?

Bat 1: Hey!  Who's that furry ****? 

Bat 2: Where?  I can't see!

Bat 1: Oh for **** sake.

Money (Top of Tower)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Hey.  I'm here.  Hurry up.  Pick me up.  Shithead.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool.  Laughing all the way to the bank.

Cog Friends

::First Cog...::

Carl: Ey up, bloody hell.  Put it on, quick.  Put it on I like it like that
!  Ooooohhh...

*Conker slips the Cog on facing towards the wall*

Carl: Aaaaaaahhh.  Fan-*******-tastic!

Conker: Eh...oh, hang on, I think I got it on the wrong way around.

Carl: Like bugger you have, what ya doing?  What....

*Conker changes it's direction*

Carl: Ah ****.

::Second Cog::

Carl: Yeah go on.  Get t'another one of them.

::Third Cog::

Carl: Thanks **** head.  No go on **** off with ya.

::After running on wheel thing::

*Bulldog is swimming outside when his chain starts tightening.  Blood comes
out of his mouth as he's dragged backwards.  He starts barking.  Camera
goes back to Conker running on the wheel*

Conker: Uh huh huh uh uh I gotta get off this thing!

*Conker jumps off and camera goes over to Carl, who's spinning around*

Carl: Woah oh hey woah wahhh!!

*Carl flies off anf lands on the ground*

Carl: Ooh.  Twatting shite!  That's tossed it right up the ****.

*Lady Cogs jump off pegs*

Red Cog: I do declair, ladies.  We are free at last to exact our revenge
on this evil cog.  Grab him!

*Camera goes to Conker who makes expressions as you hear lady cogs beat up
on Carl.  Camera fades to black.  Comes back as Carl is pinned to Mr. Big

Carl: Oh no!  Not Mr. Big Cog!  That's me buggered.

Conker's Thoughts: It certainly is.

Carl: Uh.  I'm outta here!

*Carl flips around and lets Quentin come out*

Quentin: I say, I don't know what his problem is I find it rather
delicious!  Thank you Mr. Squirrel.

Conker: Oh.  My pleasure.

Quentin: Yes, and I think you'll find that you're little problem outside
has been throughly taken care of.

Conker: Oh cool.

Quentin: Now, good day to you sir.

Conker (Under his breath): Toffie-nosed snob.

Red Cog: Why thank you Mr Squirrel!

*Red Cog kisses Conker*

Conker: Ugh ack uh!

Red Cog: Come on, ladies.  It's the Carribian for us!

*Cogs hop out with suitcases*


Mrs. Catfish: Ladies!  Ladies! Meeow.  It's that squirrel person again.
How are you?  I see our brutish friend didn't get his vittles today.

Conker: Yeah, well, time enough for that.  Uh, I need the combination

Mrs. Catfish: Oh no no, no you don't seem to understand, yes, you don't
understand us.  We can't go about giving classified information like that
just to anybody.  Meooow.  We will open safe, won't we ladies?  Hmm.  Lead
the way, hmm!

*Mines come up through hole by Bulldog.  One comes up right while the other 
comes up upside-down*

::After getting to the safe::

*Bulldog gets mad and starts barking at Conker*

Conker: Now then, ladies.  There he is.

Mrs. Catfish: Oh...oh look at that.  Poo poo to you!  Yes.  You brute!  Ha
haha.  Yes, that told him!

*Bulldog gets REALLY mad and barks furriuosly.  Catfish real back*

Mrs. Catfish: Oh dear.  He is bad tempered isn't he, meow?  Now, where were
we?  Um, let me see..um...hmm... 

*Mrs. Catfish swims down and changes it from Wrong to Right*

Mrs. Catfish: Yeah.  There you go!  Open, meow.

*Safe opens*

Mrs. Catfish: We'll wait here.  Meow.


*Conker enters safe*

Conker: Hello...um...hellooo?  Money?  Money?

*Money is asleep on the other side, but wakes up*

Money: Who the hell are you?  You ain't my boss.  I'm outta here!  I'm
swimming with the fishes!

*Money jumps into water*

Conker: Ugh.  This gig gets worse and worse by the minute.

Into the Water!

*Conker takes out helmet with light, and plugs in battery*

Boiler Room

*Two imps are laughing.  Imp 2 is smoking a cigar as Imp 1 is drinking a
beer.  Imp 1 throws away bottle*

Imp 1: Hey this is a neat joint!

Imp 2: Yeah, it's great!

Imp 1: Gimmie some of that!

Imp 2: **** off!

Imp 1: You bastard.

Imp 2: Gimmie another tab!

Imp 1: **** off!

*Imp 1 farts juices... Conker jumps down from above*

Imp 1: Hey don't look now!  Don't look now!  Look at him.  Furry guy.  
Looks kinda flaaaamable!

Imp 2:  Flamable!  Oooh I like flamable!  What do we do?

Imp 1: Hide!  Yeah, hide!  Quick, put the tabs out!

Imp 2: Yeah, asshole, what am I gonna do with this?

Imp 1: Just...shove it up your ass.

Imp 2: Oh, ok...

*Imp 2 shoves cigar up his ass*

Imp 2: There we go!

*Imps run off*

::After you piss on the imps::

Imp 1: Let's do the big big guy!

Imp 2: Yeah, the BIG big guy!

*Imp's jump in boiler.  Hear footsteps as imps bang around inside the

Imp 1: Right, where's the keys?  Ah.  Press the start button. 

*Hear keyboard and engine start up as boiler comes to life and breaks free*

Imp 2: Let me have a go!

Imp 1: No, it's my turn!

Imp 2: Ah it's always your turn.

Imp 1: Shuddap.

Boiler:  Gentlemen, gentlemen, do calm down.  We have buisness at hand.

Imp 2: Hey he sounds really poncy, like..like some English person.

Conker's Thoughts: Nutters.

Imp 2: Is he up to this job, you reckon?

Imp 1: Hey, up for this job?  Let me show you something.  See that button

Imp 2: Yeah.

Imp 1: The one with the...

Imp 2: Yeah.

Imp 1: Press it.

*Big brass balls pop out from under the boiler*

Imp 2: Wooooah.  I see what you mean.

Boiler: Balls of brass, sir!  Polished to the nth degree!

Conker: Oh no.  A bourgeoid, big-bullocked boiler.  That's all I need.

!Note! During the boss sequence, you hit the boss's balls with bricks.  
This causes him to let out steam as the imps jump around inside screaming
"My balls!  My baaaaalllsss!"

::After defeating the boss::

*Conker hits the boiler's balls multiple times with the bricks and frying
pan till they fly off and bounce around the room*

Boiler: Ouch...

*Boiler falls as Conker runs out of the way*

Imp 1: What the...

Both: OH NO!!

Imp 2: We can't get out through the normal door!

Imp 1: Oh.  Let's go through this door here.  Where does that go?

Imp 2: Um, I don't think we want to go that way.  It's the back passage!


Imp 2: It can't be the only way out, what's this button do?

*Sirens go off as red lights flash*

Computer: Warning!  Warning!  Self-destruct in one second.

Imp 1: Oh you stupid f...

*Boiler blows up sending the imps flying*

::When you roll the ball down the slope::

*Ball rolls down as mine dud turns around to see it.  Mine dude goes into
spiky mode as the ball rolls him through wall*

Money (In Safe)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: So, you want some green stuff?

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  Cash prizes!


*Conker comes out of safe with money in hand*

Mrs: Catfish: Oh good, ladies!  Meeeow he has the money!  Now, give us back
our money, honey, and you'll get your dollar.

Conker: What...a dollar?

Mrs. Catfish: Yes yes, meow.  Ten percent, as we agreed.  Meeeow.

*Camera goes to Dogfish's rope, which is about to break*

Conker: One..two..three...ten.  Ten dollars.  Ten dollars! I though you
said it was a fortune! 

Mrs. Catfish: It is a fortune.

*Leash breaks one out of three ropes*

Conker: I'll tell you what.  Here's the new deal.  I keep the lot.  See ya!

Mrs. Catfish: Oh!  The cheek!  Just a minute here, you!  What..uh..what do
you think you're doing?  That's our mo...wha...eh..meow.

*Second rope breaks.  Mrs. Catfish turns around to see and lets out
frightened expression*

Mrs. Catfish: Oh...um...ladies.  Nevermind the money for now.  I think it's
time we were off.  Tally ho.

*Catfish swim off*

Bulldog Attack

*When you leave the area, Bulldog breaks free and chases you.  When it
reaches the first cat, it grabs it and shakes it about.  Dead body falls to
the ground as sad..kinda...music plays.  At the end, Conker runs up bridge
as the dogfish chases him, breaking it apart.  Conker dives just in time to
save himself as the dogfish gets stuck in the wall*

Money (Above Bulldog)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: So, you want some green stuff?

::Conker pockets the money::

Conker: Cool.  I'll be able to get rid of my mortgage..and buy my car. 

viii. Chapter 5: Slopranno

Tea Time?
= = = = =

::Conker walks into giant poo mound and takes off his gask mask.  Dung
beetle flies into Conker, trying to get out::

Conker: Hey, pal, watch where you're going!

Beetle: Eh.  Alright there.  Take my advice and get outta here.  There's
summtin really bad in there.  You just don't wanna go in there.

Conker: Calm down.  Now, just calm down and tell me what's the matter.

Beetle: Right.  Ok.  It all started about two days ago...

::Camera goes to beetles having tea::

Beetle: I..it was me and the lads.  We were havin a cuppa tea. The next
thing we know Tezza is gone.

*Giant hand grabs Tezza from behind and drags him under*

Beetle: We couldn't find him!  We thought ah, maybe he's just gone off, ya
know, do a bit of shoppin or summtin.  He never came back.  Bazza was next.

::Camera goes to Bazza walking around in the poo mound::

Beetle: He was just walkin along minding his own buisness So I stood there
and I said "Hey, Bazza!  How'ya doin there, like, mate?"  And he waved over

*Bazza waves as gaint hand comes up behind him and waves also*

Beetle: And that was it...this thing came out of the shite!

*Hand grabs Bazza and pulls him under*

Beetle: And I thought to myself "Oh no.  Oh oh I'm getting out of this!"
And when I came out, cause I thought it was all clear, the lads were gone.  
The bastards had nailed me in.  I'm outta here.  You can do what you like.
There's some money up there if you can be arsed to get it.  Seeyas.

*Beetle flies out behind Conker*

Sweet Corn

*Conker sees some sweet corn jumping around*

Conker: Sweet corn, heh.  How ya doing, guys?

Voice:  Brrring me some sweet corn!

Conker: Who's that?  Can't see anyone....hmmmm....ok....if that's what he


*Conker throws sweet corn in.  Sweet corn hovers for a moment and looks

Corn: *Gulp*

*Suddenly, sweet corn is sucked under...then pops back up screaming and
yelling as he's thrashed around in the poo.  Then he goes under....*

Great Mighty Poo

(Ok.  This is a highly wanted thing, so now all of you stop asking for it
on the board!  We'll do this in verses.)

::Great Mighty Poo comes up slowly, then eats the sweet corn::

Verse One

GMP: *Cough* Mememememe.
I am the Great Mighty Poo and I'm going to throw my shit at you.
A huge supply of tish come from my chocolate starfish.
How about some scat you little twat?

Verse Two

GMP: Do you really think you'll survive in here?
You don't seem to know which creek you're in.
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear.
How'd you think I keep this lovely grin?
*Grins with *Ting"* sound*
(Says) Have some more caviar.  Hahaha.
*Throws pooball at Conker who dodges it but it lands on B-Pad*

Verse Three

GMP: Now I'm really getting rather mad. 
You're like a niggly tickly shitty little tag nut.
When I've knocked you out with all my bab
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!

Conker:  Your butt?

GMP: My butt!

Conker: Your BUTT?

GMP: That's right my butt!

Conker: Uhhh.


Conker: Aaahh.

GMP: My buuuuuuuuuuutt!

*Glass of flusher crack a little*

Verse Four

::GMP just sings higher and higher notes until the flusher glass breaks::

Down the tube

*Conker grabs flusher and pulls.  GMP starts flushing*

GMP:  Ah you cursed squirrel look what you've done.  I'm flushing I'm
flushing!  Oh what a world what a world.  Who would have thought
a good little squirrel like you could destroy my buitiful claggyness. 
Oooh I'm going!  Ahh.  Aaaahh.  Nooo!  Aaaaaahhhhh!

Conker:  Huhu.  Now that's what a call a bowel movement.

*Fart sounds come from hole as song finishes up.  Door opens*

Money (Flusher Area)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Yeah!  More spondulies!


::Berri is still exercising in her house when she hears a knock at the door

Berri: He'd, like, better have a good excuse this time.  That is the last
time he stands me up.

*Berri opens the door*

Berri:  Conker!  I've had it just about up to...*Gasp*..who are you?

*Rock guy stands there*

Berri: Look, whatever it is you're selling, I'm just not interested.  Well?

*Rock guy sucker-punches Berri and drage her out of the house*


::Conker walks up to the Panther King's guards.  One's crapping behind a

Skinny Guard:  You'll have to pay the toll.

Conker: You mercinaries.  Here ya go!

*Hands guard the money*

Conker:  A thousand dollars.

SG: Thank you.

Conker:  Can I get through?

SG: Hey.  I'm not finished yet.  We're looking for a squirrel, and I think,
by the description given to me, that you are a squirrel.

Conker:  I am not a squirrel.

SG: Yes you are.  You fit the description perfectly.

Conker: Oh, really, and, uh, could you describe this description to me?

SG: Well, short...red fur...a big bushy tail...and a twitchy nose.  You're
a squirrel all right, and you're coming with me.

*Guard grabs a hold of Conker*

Conker: Look, I told you I'm not a squiirel and get your hands off me!

SG: Well, what are you then?

Conker:  I'm an elephant!  Squirrels aren't short and furry.  They're big 
and gray!

SG: What?

Conker:  Yeah!  And as for twitchy noses...

SG: They don't have them?

Conker: Heh.  No.  They're long and snouty, and they also have flappy ears.

SG:  Are you sure?

Conker:  Psh.  Of course I'm sure!  See ya!

*Conker walks past guard as other guard walks out from behind rock*

Fat Guard: Ah there's nothing quite like a good ****.  Now then, eh...

*FG sees Conker, looks at SG, looks back at Conkeer*

SG:  It's alright, it's alright.  That's not a squirrel.  He's an elephant.

FG:  An elephant...you stupid twat.

Conker: Oh yeah let's see.  *Whistles*

*Money jumps out of guard's pocket and comes back over to Conker*

ix. Chapter 6: Uga Buga


::Conker, on top of temple place, turns into anvil and smashes on statue
causing it to fall down.  A patrolling caveman looks up, opens mouth, and
gets squished by the statue.  Conker rolls off and lands on ground.::

Money (On top of temple thingy with dinos running around)

*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a big

Money: Hey, where the **** you been?  Ya ginger bastard.

*Conker pockets the money*

Conker: Cool!  I can put in for the rest of my dead presidents.

Rock and Roll?

*Conker rolls rock down.  The two caveman turn to see it and start running.
One gets run over and is stuck to the rock.  The other runs until the rock
busts open the wall, causing him to fly and land in a pool of lava.  The
rock then comes down and lands on another caveman as he looks up*

Dramatic, yes?

*Conker enters and his eyes bulge out as the camera shows statue with lava
balls flying around and dramitic music plays*

Conker: Hey, maestro!  Don't you think that's a little bit too dramatic?
Can you give me something with a bit more of a beat?

*Caveman theme plays*

Conker: Yeah.  That's better.


*Conker sits down on egg and gets comfortable.  Screen goes black and
displays "Some time later...".  Egg starts to crack after black screen*

Conker: Oh. ooh.  Ah, here it comes...whatever it is...

*Conker jump off and lands on ground.  The camera views the egg broken.
Then this big purple dino head pops out*

Baby Dino: Hello.  Oooohhh.  Looky.

*Conker brushes himself off and watches as the dino jumps out and lands on
the monk.  Dino walks over to Conker, makes gibberish, and then says "Mummy

Conker: Oh, hiya.  Yep, that's right I'm your mommy.  Come on.  Follow me.


*Dino stands there looking cute*

Conker:  Hehehe.  This is gonna be interesting.

*Dino looks up and sees slab just as it starts to fall.  It lands as blood
flies everywhere.  Conker turns around to see the aligator statue head

The God: I am pleased...with your offering

*The head opens and a big long tounge rolls out*

Conker: Oh cack!

*Conker leaps out of the way before the tounge squishes him.  A monk then
walks down to the tip of the tounge*

Nice Hat