Review by PUhler

Reviewed: 03/28/01 | Updated: 03/28/01

The best Genesis game of all time? Maybe...

Gunstar Heroes is just one of those games; what 'one of those games' means, I have no idea, so just pretend that I'm struggling to come up with the proper adjectives to describe this lucious cart. Though Bloomer may cringe when he sees this (he WILL critique it), it's damn hard to describe Gunstar Heroes with mere words. It's like trying to describe why the moon isn't made of cheese: impossible. The laws of something or other don't exist in such fantastic voyages to the moon, or maybe I'm just babbling, trying to confuse you so I can camoflauge my pathetic attempts at trying to describe Gunstar Heroes.

Ok, I don't know what the story is in Gunstar Heroes, nor do I care. I know you have to collect some gems, and the Empire is evil, so I guess that's enough. Really though, does anyone even give a crap what the story is? I mean, Gunstar Heroes is all about shootin' an blowin' up stuff; I could care less if the story was about a boy playing Zero Wing to save his pet cat (well, the developers of Gunstar Heroes, Treasure, do rack up huge bills with Peppy, the magic mushroom salesman, so I wouldn't be too shocked at all). Ok, if you want, you can pretend you're a vigilante, and you're cleaning up the streets. Put on a leather jacket, some sunglasses, and ride around on a bitchin' motorcycle, and shoot scum with mullets that threaten the peace. Or don't, it's your choice.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Gunstar Heroes is all about blasting the hell out of everything you see. If it moves, kill it. If it doesn't move, kill it. Of course I could go into more lucid detail in the matter, tlking about how you can actually throw enemies, do jump-kicks and body-presses, and do Megaman-esque slides, but I'd rather tell you about the weapons and character system, so SIT AND OPEN YOUR EARS. When you start a new game in Gunstar Heroes, you pick either 'free' or 'fixed', which means if you pick free, you can run while shooting, but with fixed you can shoot in eight-different directions, albeit it in one spot. Also, you get a headband if you pick fixed, which only gives you more incentive to pick free, besides the fact that it's MUCH more useful to be able to shoot while moving. You then pick your main weapon, be it the rapid fire, laser, homing, or flamethrower. In the game, you can pick up an extra weapon, and you can actually combine their abilities (fusion, ha!). For example, if yo combine the laser with the flamethrower, you get a short range laser, that is incredibly powerful. You can get up to sixteen variations of your weapons at your disposal by concocting such devious combinations. Simple enough, ne? If you want my personal recommendation, go with the laser and homing. It's easily the best combination on the game, and makes things a bit too easy at times, in my opinion (why the hell did I even bother saying that? This whole review is my opinion! Oh well, maybe it's because OMNI-CYBORGS took over my review, and are planning something evil).

Graphically, Gunstar Heroes blazes. The colors are splendid to the eye, the backgrounds amazing (sometimes they become a bit lacksadial, however), and the animation is plentiful. The character and enemy design is utterly brilliant (LOVE LOVE DANCE!), and offers an animeish feel to it all. I can find no true faults visually. There's no way Treasure was going to let Gunstar Heroes get off without slapping it around the neck and face with a vienna sausage, however, so they THRUSTED some cool music into the game. I can't describe the music, so I won't even try, but suffice to say it kicks ass. Sound effects are nothing that special (mostly just a bunch of explosions, actually), though damn, the voices are cool.

Everything's as solid as turds in an alfalfa pumped guinea pig so far, but there's one problem to be found, which is the game length. There're only four default levels, so while they're brilliantly designed, it's simply too little. Still, it's fun running around and blowing stuff up (AS IN REAL LIFE), so take it like a man, champ.

Anyways, I think I'll shut up now. All that's left to say is that you need to play this game. Rob, rape, KILL -- do ANYTHING it takes. Just get it done.

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Pat likes cookies.

Rating: 8

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