Review by TheSAMMIES

Reviewed: 03/11/13 | Updated: 11/13/13

This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this.

Old Japanese computers had some sick stuff on them. PSK in particular was one of the absolute worst developers for these computers, coming out with depraved fleshfest after depraved fleshfest, each one more socially unacceptable than the last. Christine is one such game that people should never play, ever (unless you have a sick sense of humor or are just sick in general). Screenshots tend to paint the game as humorous and innocent, and it is an admittedly funny game that reached South Park levels of being both screwed up and funny. Despite its content, Christine is also a bad game, not unplayable, but pretty close.

This is a huge warning to anyone who is thinking about playing this game. Christine has rape, blood, torture, and cartoon characters that look like they’re about twelve years old prancing about naked. If you are offended by any of those things, and I don’t blame you if you are, then you will want to stay far away from this game. If you’re like me and morbid curiosity got the better of you after reading up on this game, you’re in for a painful ride.

Story- You’re playing as a school girl named Jane. You’re smart, you have a hot boyfriend, and life is good. Then, an evil witch named Christine turns your boyfriend into stone. You have to go on a quest to break the spell and kill Christine in bloody vengeance. Along the way, you meet many colorful characters, some of which want to help you, others want to do their own thing, and some just want to kill you and rape your body. Just watch out for Jane because she is dead set on raping you too.

The story itself treats blood, torture, and rape as comedy, which can be good, but the one getting raped is almost always your main character. As mentioned before, your main character is a girl. She is most certainly underage. Explaining how and why this kind of thing was acceptable in a commercial game may require a bit of history on PSK. PSK was a company that would publish any game and distribute them, no questions asked, if you paid them enough money. They published a lot of porn, a good portion of it having to do with cartoon children. Computers were still inaccessible to most of the general populace back in the 80s, and people were simply not watching what kind of content was getting put on floppies back then. At least until 177 and Saori, but that’s another story.

Christine actually is not as bad as the aforementioned 177 and Saori in some respects. It uses the dark themes such as torture and rape more for comedy than for eroticism. That’s not to say that the game doesn’t have such explicit scenes, because they’re certainly there. PSK did make some games that actually do expect you to have your hands in your pants when sick stuff happens, like underage cartoon girls are getting raped, Christine expects you to be laughing your ass off. It’s mostly presented in a comedic light, which makes the socially unacceptable story a little more digestible.

Presentation- Christine has a somewhat unique art style. Characters have huge heads, bulging eyes, and tiny bodies. It’s like watching Cabbage Patch Kids strip naked and rape each other with railroad spikes all in glorious eye blistering MS Paint colors. Like many Japanese visual adventure games from the FM-7 era, graphics are done in draw commands, so you get to see the characters and the world drawn right in front of you. Watching this can teach you how to sketch chunky naked cartoon characters covered in blood! Totally something every artist aspires to learn! Joking aside, as bad as the graphics look, it really is cool to see the world come to life as it loads, no matter how long the load times can be.

Gameplay- This is where Christine really drops the ball. Christine is an adventure game and consists entirely of menu surfing. The game gives you a set of commands (in Japanese) and you can pick from the list. While you could theoretically just choose random words until something happens and win like in some Japanese adventure games, it will get you nowhere in Christine. Luckily, you can just go look up what the words mean on the internet and the game becomes 100% playable. You don’t really need too much text to get by. The pictures usually show what’s going on better than the words ever could.

The world of Christine is in the shape of a straight line with very little branching. Most of it consists of taking items from various characters and trading them for different items. It’s very tedious and some of the quests you have to perform really have almost nothing to do with bringing your boyfriend back to life and getting bloody vengeance on Christine. All it does is serve to alienate the player, make the player ask why he is doing this, why he is continuing on with this banal parade of chunky naked girls and dark humor. The storyline doesn’t really go anywhere for a good portion of the game and there are a few “cheap” moments of difficulty.

There are a few points in the game where you automatically lose just by talking to the wrong character. You get raped, killed, or some combination of them. Quick tip, unless it’s the end of the game, Christine can and will kill you, rape your corpse, and it’s game over. There’s always the threat of her appearing, like a demented, chunky, naked MS Paint girl version of Nemesis from Resident Evil.

Some of the solutions are a bit unintuitive. A great example is at the doctor’s office. Some weird stuff goes down in that doctor’s office and it is not immediately apparent that you have to do such things to her. It doesn’t help that there’s a “sex” command, meaning that you can try to have sex with just about any character in the game. It is not always a good idea to try this, but in some completely bonkers situations, you need it.

Fact- Other than your boyfriend (who dies in the opening) every character in Christine is a female. This isn’t a cool fact, it’s just sort of there.

Also Try- Please don’t try any other games like this. Think of the children. Okay they’re not children, but data of cartoon characters meant to represent children. Either way, think of how you would hurt them if you played this game or any of PSK’s other bottomless pits of cartoon depravity.

Rating: 2

Product Release: Christine (JP, 10/31/86)

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