Review by Jihad
Reviewed: 07/13/02 | Updated: 07/24/04
One big Kosmic joke
Welcome to BANGAI-O!. Some would say they were playing Bakuretsu Muteki Bangaioh, but they would be playing a Japanese Nintendo 64 cartridge, while you are in fact experiencing the sumptuous thrills of a Sega Dreamcast GD-ROM disc. This is the game where you (yes, you) can pilot GIANT ROBOT BANGAI-O! to victory over the forces of evil.
You play as Riki Makishi, a police officer on the planet Dan Star. Everything is all hunky dory until
the intergalactic space fruit smuggling DS KOSMO GANG beats you up and does bad things to your father. You also play as Mami Makishi, Rikis sister. Riki fires homing missiles, Mami fires lasers that ricochet off walls, and together you must pilot GIANT ROBOT BANGAI-O! to victory over the forces of evil. Yes, I cant say it enough!
How am I to defeat the millions of fiends in the employment of the DS KOSMO GANG if GIANT ROBOT BANGAI-O! can only withstand five of six blows, and I am only armed with missiles and lasers? you may ask. Well, BANGAI-O! has a special ultra shot that works on this principle: the more projectiles being fired at you, the more projectiles this special ultra shot will fire back. Up to 400 projectiles, although this figure is only a hazy rumor, purported to reveal itself only in encounters of great duress, such as against an evil twin or some such. So dont go wasting your special ultra shots when there are no bad guys in sight, ya hear?!
As the above paragraphs should make apparent, dear reader, BANGAI-O! is frothing with old fashioned sensibilities. Your only goal in BANGAI-O! is to kill a boss while destroying personal property and eating pilfered DS KOSMO GANG space fruit (not the other way around!) . Your score indicates the magnitude of destruction/fruit exploits, and there is a handy explosion meter at the top of the screen to inform you how many things are blowing up at a particular moment in time. Perishing or no, you should feel transported to a land of unadulterated bliss, young men in diapers, and large hunks of meatnot unlike the fine shooters found in dark corners of arcades everywhere (if, in fact, you have not played any arcade games well then, just know that BANGAI-O! involves blowing lots of stuff up and it is all VERY FUN).
Confronting the most dastardly of foes and most intimate of friends in this space opera of great consequence with hundreds of fiery explosions occurring every quantifiable moment of consciousness. Such is BANGAI-O! And such confectionsweaving between neon columns of laser and orange orbs of pure bullet only to unleash the special ultra shot to screams and horror and equal titters of glee will no doubt amuse you and anyone else in the general vicinity who might happen to be watching your game of BANGAI-O!
BANGAI-O! is a 2-D game, a game of prodigious movement upwards, downwards, rightwards, leftwards, and topwise. Some might say there are similarities to the videogame Super Smash TV, but come now! Super Smash is a faded icon of archaic science fiction notions and mutant trash: you know BANGAI-O! is the veritable saga of the ages: you might have read in any number of reputable publications that it has been crowned the national epic of both Kafiristan and Zembla. With the distant North and the steppes of Central Asia in the thrall of BANGAI-O!, could the rest be far behind? For those of you that have not played Super Smash TV, an explanation follows:
In reality, GIANT ROBOT BANGAI-O! is GIANT. He/she could crush your house with a small portion of his/her foot, but the levels of BANGAI-O! are even MORE GIANT, so GIANT ROBOT BANGAI-O! appears very small on your television screen (perhaps a little too small or perhaps you could play BANGAI-O! on a bigger, manlier television box: a mere 17 is inadequate for the splendor of BANGAI-O!).
You control the movement of BANGAI-O! with the directional pad, and the firing direction of BANGAI-O! with the four face buttons. The R trigger unleashes the special ultra shot. You may find the four face buttons to be slightly imprecise for aiming. If so, read ahead. Keep the left thumb firmly on the directional pad for movement of BANGAI-O!, but shift your right hand over and use the analog stick to control the direction of the fire, all while using your right pinky to activate the special ultra shot. Is this setup a bit awkward? Yes. Will it cause your poor pinky pain? Yes. BUT, this is serious business, and the DS KOSMO GANG cares not for slight metacarpular discomfort.
By the by, beware the blasphemers. Some would say that in transition from Bakuretsu Muteki Bangaioh to BANGAI-O!, colors were faded, transcendence was lost. Such whelps dare question the might of GIANT ROBOT BANGAI-O!?!? Buahaha! Merely scoff at various human waste and advise them to return to their assorted custodial professions posthaste.
On the noble quest that is BANGAI-O!, etch your rightful place in the universe through 44 immaculately engineered landscapes, following the steps of the most legendary of pilgrimages. A cheeky humorist once claimed the answer is 42now you know the true digits of deliverance!
However, dont worry, dont carry the immense weight of such a quest with misery or apprehension! You have allies, including the tree woman who doles out useless advice for a hefty fee and her kid sister, a psychic who channels the spirits of famous dead people, none of whom will tell you anything particularly useful. But do worry, for a long road lies ahead! Along the way, battles await. A small cat, a large cat, a sheep, your father, a your mother, your brother, and an evil twin all bar the way. Be brave, clench fists. IN BANGAI-O!, THERE IS ONLY ONE GUARANTEE: none of it will make any sense.
Rating: 4.0 - Great
Got Your Own Opinion?
Submit a review and let your voice be heard.