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  3. My guide to asterisks, PLATINUM EDITION!

User Info: Provenance

Provenance
10 years ago#1
This guide comes with a 100% guarantee of changing your life for the better if you choose to read and learn from it.


Table of contents
I. Intro
II. What’s an asterisk?
III. The problem
IV. The excuses
V. The Replacements
VI. The solution
VII. Frequently Asked Questions
VIII. Life turnarounds
IX. Special thanks



Intro:

It seems like there are many kids going around pretending as if they actually know how to use asterisks. The cold hard truth is that they really don't, but they most likely will deny it and continue on with it and some, if they're addicts who excessively use them, will even whine about it. However, do note that I am not classifying addicts and the occasional asterisk abusers differently, because the common thing about them is that they are stubborn and are afraid to accept the truth, which would also lead to changes. The point of this topic is to get a message out to the youth about how to correctly use these symbols so they can become successful in life.
Now I can guarantee you that at least two or more kids will post in this topic, misusing asterisks, deluding themselves into believing that they are original, funny, and witty. They don’t know that it has already been tested and tried.


What's an asterisk?

An asterisk is a symbol which represents many things, but seeing how the kids here only use them as text, I'll limit the guide to grammar only.

*Asterisks are used as footnotes on a document. For those who have no clue of what a footnote is, it's usually at the bottom of the page to either cite a source or interpret something for the reader.

*To censor profanity or omit other words.

*You can put asterisks in your sentences to emphasize words.

*They can be used as bullets (No little kids, not the e-bullets from an e-gun that you use with asterisks, the grammatical ones.), as seen in this section.

But that's pretty much it for text.

To input an asterisk, simply hold the “Shift” key and press the number [8] (not on the number pad), hold the “Alt” key and press [4+2] (this time on the number pad), or simply press the key next to the minus sign on the number pad. There are many "alternative" combinations to the second method, so I just posted the main one.

User Info: Provenance

Provenance
10 years ago#2
The problem:

"Our children are being becoming more and more delusional through the misuse of asterisks. They actually believe that its happening..." ~ Muc Schwartz


Scenario #1:
"yo i aint like the way u using that intelligent logic so
*shoots yo face*
now what?"

Translation: "You have defeated me and leave me no other option than to pretend that I actually killed you so I can assume that I won."

Where can I find this?
Usually in an argument where the lost kid is overwhelmed by intelligent and logical points brought into the topic by his or her opponent.


Scenario #2:
"lets play superman!!! *SHOOTS HYPERBEAM OUT OF ME EYES TO SHOOT LEX'S BALD HEAD AND REFLECT IT ONTO AN AIRPLANE*"

Translation: "Man, I'm bored out of my mind, and instead of doing something creative and productive, I'll pretend I'm a character from a cartoon/anime on an internet message board."

And where can I find this bad boy?
Almost everywhere on the internet where kids are allowed to convey messages.


Scenario #3:
"ooo ur hot even tho i havent seen u irl or a pic of u. lets cyber! *sticks...*"

Let's not get too graphical. To the parents out there, this is also known as "cybering," which is a simulation to real sex.

I don't think I want to look for this one
Of course you don't, but for the FBI, they can be found wherever fourteen year old males are on the internet (but we all know you're not looking for fourteen year olds), most likely using popular gaming sites.


As you can see, it's not a pretty "site" if a kid is going around doing such disgusting, degrading acts.


Scenario #4:
“…that’s not how you speel it”
“spell*”

Not really related to kids misusing asterisks to express their imaginations, but I’d figure I’d add it in anyway to make the guide as informative as possible. You do not use an asterisk to correct your typos; you only for the things stated in section one.

User Info: Provenance

Provenance
10 years ago#3
The excuses :

These are excuses composed by real children (you know who you are) and have been used by them in an attempt to validate their negligence.


if you can type them, they work!

Incorrect, logic proves this wrong.
Counter statement: *im make it rain money all over the word!*
Where's the money?


video games use asterisks and they do work because they show what the person using asterisks is doing, like snorting

Wrong again.
The asterisks are in a game, so the game actually makes it happen, but using them on the internet to "*shoot you in the face*"? Not only is that childish, but it doesn't work either.


it expresses our feelings

You can express your feelings through words, not asterisks, so it would actually be grammatically correct. And if it's grammatically correct, more people would be interested in what you have to say, because otherwise they would think you're overreacting.


you feel threatened by asterisks, thats why you don't want people to use them

Be intelligent for once and ask yourself this: why would anyone feel threatened by something that they know doesn't work when not used properly?


Imagine a Harry Potter book, and when a character uses a spell, pretend there are asterisks around that line, see how asterisks would work?

Ok, let’s “pretend” that it actually happened. Said writer would lose his or her job and credibility for misusing asterisks just to make certain little kids happy. They’re to describe the actions in words rather than asterisks.


****, there i censored the word with asterisks, so it must work

But you used them correctly, not for pretense; whose side are you on?


i know how to use asterisks i just dont use em properly online

That could be an opening line for a fiction novel. You honestly can’t expect people to believe you if the only thing you do with asterisks is abuse them.


it’s a way for me not to get modded, see, I would get modded if I said “I want to stab u to death” but not “*stabs u*”

Both statements make you look foolish. The first one would make it obvious that you need to see a psychiatrist and the second would mean you need to see your English teacher again assuming you didn’t drop, and in that case, you need to go back.


u have kno right to preach bout astericks if u type liek dis

Actually, I do. Even though typing like that and asterisks both have to do with grammars, they’re two different things and since I know how to use asterisks correctly, I can undoubtedly preach about asterisks. It’s kind of like engineering, there are many fields to it, like biomedical and electrical, but they’re not the same things, now are they? But anyway, my grammar is irrelevant to your misuse of asterisks.


its for fun!

I don’t care how fun you think it is, it’s illegal. And when you disobey the law, there are always consequences that you must face.


But that's a waste of time when you could just type *.

This is relating to scenario #4; another silly reason because that would make you seem unintelligent for the fact that you’re misusing an asterisk symbol to “correct” a typo. A professional would admit to their typos and clarify it, ie. “Oops, I meant spell, not speel.”

User Info: Provenance

Provenance
10 years ago#4
The Replacements
Often the asterisk abusers will try to escape from one delusion to another. Once they realize they have no actual valid points for their asterisk misusage, they will use some other symbol to substitute it. Some examples are “-insert action-,” “/insert action,” and “</insert action>.” There are more, but these are the most commonly used. Simply tell these people that what they’re doing is wrong or better yet, make a guide on hyphens, slashes, HTML tags, or whatever they’re using.


The solution?

You.
Only you can spread the truth about asterisks.
Only you can tell your younger sibling(s) that they don’t work that way.
Only you can explain to your offspring on how to use them properly.

And for the lost kids out there, only you can stop using asterisks the wrong way.

FAQ

Why did you choose to write about asterisks and not some other symbol?
Misuse of asterisks is epidemical, but if you see someone misusing another symbol, you should feel free correct them.

How are we to sign petitions then?
Surely you don’t put “*signs*” for every document you sign in real life, at least I hope you don’t. So you sign it by posting your username.

What about ASCII art?
Anything can be used for art, so it is ok to use asterisks to form art.

Are asterisks acceptable to denote actions for scripts?
No, you use brackets for that.

Why don’t you ever correct “The Shinies” on their misuse?
I would but I know what they’re up to. They’re obviously luring little children, and if a child is to reply with misuse of asterisks in his or her post, they would be deemed “ass” by “The Shinies,” thus losing all benefits from their topics. Whether or not if one is deemed “ass” is never disclosed and is purely confidential. It’s pretty much a technique to separate the quality users from the ones that aren’t (ass).

User Info: Provenance

Provenance
10 years ago#5
Life turnarounds

“Yeah, I’ll admit, I used to use asterisks like the kids do now. I knew it was wrong, but I still went with it. Everything went smoothly until that one night on January 2009. The user home352 made his debut on the Kingdom of PDPPSB (PDPSB then). I didn’t really care much about him, but after a while, he started spamming the asterisks the wrong way. This kid was crazy, and after observing him, I immediately realized something was wrong with me. I quickly sought help because I feared that I would become home352. The king was the only one who could help me with this life threatening disease. He gave me a book on how to use asterisks the correct way, and after accumulating over 53 hours I spent reading the book, I was cured.
The king helped me change my life for the better which is why I’m always supporting him. There is one thing I regret though, and that’s meeting home352. I still have nightmares about me becoming him…he’s the sole reason why I take prescription sleeping pills.”

~ Muc Schwartz

Back in the day, I used asterisks all the time. Whenever I disagreed with anyone, I would often post *stabs you* or something along that line. It's amazing to think how bad of a poster I was back in the day, and how much I've improved. Thanks to the king, and fellow vets, my posting has improved massively. I have seen the light now. I've realized how incredibly foolish asterisks are, and no longer use them. And I couldn't have done it without the king. It's hard to believe people are against him. He's one of the smartest people I've met. Someday, I hope you rebels change, and turn from noobs to vets like me.
~ darkninja77

yo playas. bak den i used to be usin' asteriks mad crazy. i rememba usin' it to hug ppl and stuff. i used to think i can hurt ppl wif mah asteriks. i thought dat made me mad G. i used to do duh "*hug*" thing all duh time yo. it made me feel liek a G. wut i didnt know iz it made me a poser!

Sudenly yo 1day dis playa named Underivative showed me duh light. He taught me dat asterisks dount work yo. He made me into a real G, playa. yo he started teaching me all deez kool things. He brot me into the real world of Gs . I lerned how bust a cap in deez haters ass by not using "*killz u*" every time I had beef. I now gots a job as a author ritin' pornography dats rite i woodnt be a riter if i aint know how to use dem asterisks correctly. I wuldnt be here, a true G if it wanst fo Underivative.

~ ShiniesLeader

Everyday my life is dedicated to saving the internet from the asterisks, prompting and pleading people to stop this nonsense. After many turn-arounds from others, I know I am doing the right thing by showing others the light from the King's guide. Without it I would not be a leader to step out and tell other, "hey, that is not permitted, let me show you how." Seeing the light is extraordinary, and definitely rewarding - seeing people turn around from the darkness to stepping forward towards the light. All because of this guide I am able to help others in need.
~ peach_vs_faIco

The kings guide has really changed my life. I used to think using asterisks was a way to make people laugh. After reading this guide, I realize that not only is asterisk abusing wrong, it's incredibly uninteresting to read and could be conveyed and a more interesting manners. I wag my finger at those who think my marijuana and asterisks go together.
~SmeargIe

^ what they said
~King Kevles of the SSBBSB

Has this guide changed your life? Send your story to licencetotext@aim.com and you might have yours published in the next version. E-mails with attachments will be ignored.

User Info: Provenance

Provenance
10 years ago#6
Special thanks

ShiniesLeader for giving me the idea to type this guide and his life turnaround story
Muc Scwhartz for his life turnaround story and quote.
darkninja77, peach_vs_faIco, SmeargIe, and Kevles for their stories
masterwolfe13 for pointing out scenario #1
NebulaBlue for providing more excuses
Members of the /PDPSB/ and the PDPSB that helped collaborate
All my fans out there, all 6+ billion of you

And especially the asterisk abusers, who gave me to motivation to go out my way to write perhaps what is considered the best damn guide on this site.
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