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User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#1
Name- Eli Woatangreeganburgan
Class- Plumber/WhiteMage; AKA: Clerical Plumber
Talent- Can unstop toilets with a single plunge!
Magic- Holy
Weapon of Choice- Wand type
Age- 21
Gender- Male
Height- 4'1"
Weight- 169
Build- Stocky

A devout plumbing Cleric, Eli prays to the Holy Crap 10 times a day for each
hour mark on the clock that coincides with a point on a pentagram. (12, 3,
5, 7, 9)

He is forceful in his teachings and scoldings to the non believers, yet he
is envious of their relaxed, Crap-free life styles.

Eli was created by Teryngale

Name- Horror O' Riley
Class- Stripper/Black Mage; AKA: Lady with lots of desired talents
Talent- Most guys know without being told
Magic- Dark
Weapon of Choice- Stick
Age- She wouldn't tell us.
Gender- Female
Height- 4'5"
Weight- 105, at least we think so.
Build- Slim figure, but no one was brave enough to find out her
measurements.

Not much to go on. She has a quick temper, a hot body, and magic that puts
the world around her on edge. And she says "Hi! ^_~" Beware White
Mage/Plumber dude, she is very tempting, and she has a crapfree life, maybe.

This character is obviously created by Sarda Sage.

Name- Captain *****Slapper
Class- Monk/StreetFighter; AKA: Uh... Captain *****Slapper
Talent- Can beat the holy living **** out of people.
Magic- None
Weapon of Choice- the kind that makes your face bloody
Age- 29
Gender- Male
Height- 5'7"
Weight- 141
Build- Lean

The Captain, as he likes to be called (or he'll make you bleed profusely),
is a rough-tough ex-cop from Pravoka that catches evil his own way or the
high-way.

He trained at Gurgu Volcano for ten years before returning to Pravoka, where
he got addicted to GTA, and it made him kill all the cops and use fire bombs
on all the houses. Then he hijacked all the ships from the port's travel
service and made them sink each other. After that carnage, he went into the
isolated lands between Pravoka and Coneria and not heard from for 5 years
until he arrived at the gates of Coneria Castle and met the rest of the
party.

Another character by Teryngale, still amusing:

Name- FIGHTER Fixed it
Class- Swordsman
Talent- Is really good with swords
Magic- Can make stuff using swords
Weapon of Choice- swords
Age- the legal age of sword use
Gender- Male
Height- 6'2"
Weight- 200
Build- big

He loves swords. Alot. And shinies.

Can you say copyright infringement? I LOVE YOU, though, XScorpion! Besides, we fixed him so he wasn't a copy.

Name- Cancacee Bomber
Class- Fighter/Arsenist
Talent- Swords/explosives
Magic- kaboom
Weapon of Choice- swords, TNT
Age- 19
Gender- Male
Height- 5'9"
Weight- 225
Build- Bulky

The name says it all. But he did stay at a Holidy inn last night...

Oh, yeah... and he really, REALLY likes flowers... and girls. Girls, too.

True, he made a small appearence in the place of Nerrick, but he can still be used any time. He was created by Sarda Sage.
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#2
Name: Ramboner
Occuptaion: Take a wild guess... or ask all the ladies (Gigolo)
Talent: Pacifying all female-type monsters
Magic: Pleasurating
Weapon of Choice: "Rod"
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 185 Lbs.
Build: Umm... Think Rob in "Deuce Bigolow" or however you spell it
:
This was created by Massive_Lemon, who we never saw again.

Name: Fernando "Unibrow" Sanchez
Occuptaion: Tech Support
Talent: Has knowledge of every strategy guide known to man
Magic: Can spawn save points....sometimes
Weapon of Choice: Unibrow
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 285 Lbs.
Build: Short, fat, HUGE unibrow.

This was created by Melirune, whom we decided would be Dr. Unne or something..

Name- Scorpio
Class- Diabolist
Talent- Bloodthirsty, able to drain blood and suck souls of victims.
Magic- Necromantic
Weapon of Choice- Soul Reaver swords, Black canes (duel-wielding)
Age- 666...and will forever be
Gender- Male...I think
Height- 8'2"
Weight- 500
Build- think "Darkness" from Legend, a bit taller.

XScorpion's character, who became an antagonist for a bit, but is kinda dead now...or soemthing.

Name- Rudolphi
Class- Pisco Demon / Sorcerer (And a bad scammer)
Talent- Scamming stupid people
Magic- Elemental, Mainly Ice Based
Weapon of Choice- Claws
Age- 6279 Lunar Cycles
Gender- Male
Height- 5'5"
Weight- 164 (The shell is rather heavy)
Build- Squid headed tubby crustacean

Rudolphi is a money grubbing little twerp of a shell fish that tries to scam
people with his 'Great Rudolphi- Mystic Seer' gig. The gig sucks, so he is
always poor.

Name- Tipsee Bebo
Class- Pirate / Clown
Talent- Eating, I would presume.
Magic- Law / Chaos
Weapon of Choice- Cleaver
Age- 32
Gender- Male (I hope)
Height- 4'2"
Weight- 287
Build- Uhh... Fatty?

These were both created by Teryngale. Not so much as main character, but future ones.

On, and before anyone ask. Ramboner is a Red-Light Mage .
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#3
Now here's the story! This bit was posted by jokez, who edited some of it. Unlike him I hardly have that dedication, so...yah! Note: The items in the brackets [] are actions.

~By Sarda Sage~

A shadow passes through the halls silently. -Clunk-
"Ouch!! What the ****?!" Looks around. "The guards don't seem to have heard me."

"HELLO GARLAND!!!"

Garland jumps like mad. "SHHHH!!!!"

"Whatcha doin'?

"I'm here to kidnap the Princess, now go guard the stairs so I can get away with it!"

The guard looks at Garland... "Okay." Thus the Princess was kidnapped with only one witness.

[The Next Day]

A large man with a small stick walks into Coneria, and says, "Is this Corneria?"

A vastly shorter woman says, "Hell naw, this is Coneria."

The large man looks around, "where are you? I don't see you anywhere."

Vastly shorter woman kicks him in the ankle.

~By Teryngale~

[Eli Woatangreeganburgen enters Coneria Castle. He is immediately stopped by a messenger coming from the second floor.]

Messenger: Ah! Devout Plumber Cleric! It is good that you are already here. The King needs you immediately!

Eli: What would he need me for?

Messenger: The King needs to take a royal dump!

Eli: Can't someone else wipe his ass?

Messenger: No, good cleric. He only wants you to administer to the royal hole.

Eli: Well can I at least use paper this time?

Messenger: But your hand is so soft and velvety. I do not think he would agree to usage of papers. It is your doodie-- err, duty, you know.

Eli: You just had to stick in a crap joke, didn't you?

Messenger: Yeah, kinda.

Eli: You know that I will have to kill you later, right?

Messenger: Uhh, yeah.

Eli: Good.
------
[Eli climbs the stairs and 'administers' to the King on his 'throne'. As he walks over to a basin to clean the crap from his hands, a guard enters the throne room.]

Guard: Your Highness! I have terrible news!

King: What? Was Mexican night cancelled?

Eli: [Mutters] Please let it be true...

Guard: No, your highness! You daughter has been kidnapped!

King: Who has done this despicable act??

Guard: Garland, the ex-knight.

King: Garland? I thought I banned him from Coneria. How did he infiltrate the castle?

Guard: Well, a couple of us got a little tipsy off of some OXYALE, and kinda forgot that Garland was banned and let him go on with his business.

King: I want you to order every guard to execute himself for such idiocies.

Guard: All of us?

King: Yes, but first, Crap boy!

Eli: Yes sire?

King: I need you to go to the Princesses' rescue. There is no telling what kind of excretions she needs to undergo!

Eli: But why me, sire? Why not the dumb ass guards who let her get kidnapped?

King: I will not allow any plebian hand to wipe my daughter! Go, now, or you'll be wiping with your tongue next time!

Eli: You know that you are a real pain in the ass.

King: Yes, but you make it feel better. Go get some half wits in the city and form a rescue party! And then get me some extra picante sauce for tomorrow's burritos! I want it to burn its way out!
-----
[The King hands Eli 400G. Eli leaves the castle and enters the town. Some child is standing on a ladder in front of the entrance sign, spray painting an extra 'R' onto the Coneria sign and giggling mischievously.]

Eli: Now what kind of idiot can I get to kill off the best knight ever to exist in Coneria?
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#4
~By Teryngale~

Eli- Well we need another person, someone that is preferably easy to target and fun to kill.

Horror- Well, any of the people your friend just killed would have been good choices.

Eli- It isn't my fault, it is kinda like a Dire Wolf and the full moon, except it is a psychotic cop killer and every five seconds.

Captain: What about me?

Eli- Nothing important, why don't you go murder off a bush or something?

Captain: Sounds fun!

[The Captain skips off to murder shrubbery as the two mages walk through the deserted city, looking for some random person to draft into this suicidal mission.]

Horror- So what are you, anyway?

Eli- I'm a Clerical Plumber, healing magic specialties.

Horror- Ah, so you're the guy that wipes the king's ass.

Eli- It isn't what I wanted to sign up for, if that is what you mean.

Horror- Oh, I'm sure.

Eli- So what are you, then?

Horror- Ah, you know, nothing special, just destruction, dismay, and honing the powers of the abyss.

Eli- Sounds pretty crap-free.

Horror- If only it was.

Eli- So why do you keep yourself all covered up? It isn't healthy for the skin, you know.

Horror- Are you suggesting I reveal myself to you?

Eli- Well, we are the only two here in the city, other than captain tree killer.

Horror- If you ever suggest something like that again, I'm going to stab you 47 times, killing you in the process, shove you into a port a potty, and take a crap on your corpse.

Eli- Well, if you are going to give me a proper burial anyway...

Horror- Just stop.

Eli- Fine, lets just grab some random weirdo and get this mission over with.

Captain- Someone help! This thing won't die!

Horror- I'm glad I got grouped with intellectuals.

[She says with an eye roll. Horror sets the tree aflame and walks off. Ramboner leaves the item shop after getting many CONDMs, a special 'protective' item that shields against 'Child Support', a status ailment that depletes Gil. Eli and Horror stop Ramboner as he exits the store.]

Eli- Hey, want to make a quick hundred Gil?

Ramboner- I don't have to sleep with you, do I?

Eli- Ehh... **** no.

Ramboner- What about the chick, I'd even give you a discount on her.

Horror- What did you say? [Her eyes glow red with fury.]

Eli- Whoa, ok, calm down. No, we need you to help us kill this dude.

Ramboner- So you want me to whack a guy for a hundred?

Eli- Yeah.

Ramboner- Not whack him off, but just whack a guy?

Eli- I think that is what I said.

Ramboner- Cash up front.

[Eli hands 100 Gil to Ramboner. Ramboner enters the Item shop and buys several more CONDMs and returns to the group.]

Ramboner- Ok. I'm ready.

Eli- alright, well the rest of us need to get suited up then.

[Eli goes into the Hardware/Weapons store and buys a plunger. Horror buys a staff to attach her jagged dirk to for extended cutting ability, Captain buys a plant and kills it. The group enters the Armory.]

Eli- What do you have to sell today?

Armorist- Well, I have some nice wooden armor.

Ramboner- Wooden armor?

Armorist- Yep.

Horror- Wouldn't that kinda hurt more than protect you?

Armorist- That is what the selling point is.
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#5
~By Teryngale~

[Horror looks to Eli.]

Horror- You mind if I--

Eli- Not at all.

[Horror sets the Armorist on fire. A new armorist takes the place of the old one, as the first one still burns and screams.]

New Armorist- So what can I get you folks today?

Eli- I just need a good clerical robe and some overalls.

New Armorist- Alrighty.

Horror- A new hat, I kinda got blood on this one.

New Armorist- Sure can.

Captain- Can you sell me new hands? These have blood on them too.

New Armorist- Well, wait, what? You want me to sell you hands?

Captain- Is that a problem?

New Armorist- Kinda, hands are hard to come by.

Captain- What about the screaming dude's hands?

New Armorist- You want the charred remains of a pair of hands?

Captain- Sure, they are in black, stylish and sleek.

New Armorist- Alright. Your total comes to 127 Gil.

[Eli pays the armorist. The armorist chops off the old armorist's and the Captain's hands and attaches hands to the opposite owner. The armorist then gets the new clothes for the party, and they all change suit. The group heads out of Coneria.]

Captain- I feel powerful with these new gimp-tastic hands!

Horror- Right, now off to the temple of fiends.

Ramboner- You mean that crappy night club?

Eli- Yeah, which is Garland's address.

Ramboner- Ah, man. That stinks. There aren't any ladies there.

Horror- Nor are there any in Coneria any more due to our friend the good Captain.

Captain- Aww, it isn't like it is my fault or anything.

Eli- It kinda is when you kill everyone, dude.

~By Sarda Sage~

[Cid runs up to the Captain, smacks him in the head, then runs like mad.
Captain, looks at the others looks at the dust cloud left by Cid, back at the others again]: Uh, what just happened?

[Horror tips her hat up so that she can see his face, and says]: THAT GUY JUST BEANED YOU AND RAN!
Captain: Huh!
Horror: HE DISRESPECTED YOU, now... GO GET HIM BOY!
[The Captain runs after his assailant.]
Eli: Why did you do that?
Horror: I thought it was funny.
Eli: Yeah, so what are we supposed to do until he returns? We do have things to do, and this just wastes time!
Horror: Didn't think about that. Oh well! He'll be back soon enough.
[Then after an hour, the captain returns.]
Ramboner looks at his somewhat blood-lacking black hands, and asks: So did you get him?
The Captain looks at him: Some things you are better off not knowing.
Ramboner: In other words, you lost him, right?
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#6
~By Teryngale~

[Back to Conerian outskirts...]

Horror: Who's a cute little puppy? Huh? Huh? cutesy wutesy puppy wuppy!

Eli: Wow, I didn't think you were much of a pet person.

Horror: Meh. Pets and beasts of burden trained to kill for your amusement are basically the same.

Eli: May I pet him?

Horror: Make sure he will let you first, let him get aquainted to your scent.

The Yellow Wolf sniffs Eli's hand and starts to lick it.

Eli: He likes me!

Ramboner: Oh come on, like it is hard to get a dog to like you.

Ramboner advances towards the Yellow Wolf. The Yellow Wolf attacks Ramboner, sinking its fangs into Ramboners usually 'happy place.' Ramboner begins to flail around, screaming bloody murder.

Ramboner: GET THIS ***** OFF OF MY JEWELS, MAN!! HOLY CRAP!!! I'M SUEING!!!

Horror: Puppy! Get that out of your mouth! You have no idea where it has been! Ew... I have a few ideas..

Horror shudders at the thought, and the Yellow Wolf releases her hold on Ramboner's... erm... Ram. Ramboner's genitalia and phallus are shattered and/or punctured. He bleeds profusely out of his wang.

Narrator: And, oh yeah, Yellow Wolf joins the party. And Ramboner needs elective surgery now, or a herse. Either/Or, I really don't care.

~By Sarda Sage~

Eli: So what do with the girl who does IT?
Horror: Let her hide. I'm sure she can take care of herself. I think.

[...A Gremlin walks into a club.]

~ By Teryngale~

[And flies across the sea to Elfland.]

~ By Sarda Sage~

Elf Prince stands above the town and hails to the crowds when a large object cracks him in the head. It is thus that the prince fell into a catato..., er, um, it is in this manner that the evil Asstoes put the prince into a long slumber that somehow happened five years ago, not thirty seconds ago.

We shall now begin a manhunt with a righteous reward to the man, dwarf, or elf who slays the dark "elf". By manhunt, we mean that the elves can continue to sit around all day in their green leotards. The reward is a candy.
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#7
~By Teryngale~

Asstoes sheilds his eyes in the evening sun. Garland taps his foot impatiently, standing behind Asstoes.

Garland: I told you the 9 iron was a bit too much.

Asstoes: It isn't my fault, you're the one who put magical enhancements on your golf gear.

Garland: Well how else am I going to beat Kraken at next week's tee time? The guy has 8 arms! 8 arms makes golfing alot easier!

Asstoes: ...I'm going to go stare at Princess Sara's chest for a while.

Garland: No way, dude. You have to find a new golf ball.

Asstoes grumbles as he marches through the conerian landscape for another thing to swing his stick at. Suddenly Matoya the witch appears on one of her bewitched broom sticks

Matoya: "lalalalalalalalala! Spreading joy and beauty across this continent with my magical crystal ball of sight is the best ever!"

Asstoes... Well, we all know what is going to happen. So instead of having Asstoes knock Matoya out of the sky via 'golfing accident'....

Asstoes jumps into the air and kicks the crap out of the witch and robs her blind. Literally.

Asstoes returns to the Temple of Fiends / Disco Club, leaving Matoya and her backwards brooms for dead.

Matoya then teleports back to her cave to sulk, so that we don't have any real plot holes.

~By Sarda Sage~

[Now for a break:]

Narrator: Today, we will see what it takes to kill Imp 1, Imp 2, and Imp 3.

Imp 3: D00d!

Narrator: Now we know! And apparently, Knowing is HALF the battle. Tune in next time when we return to the regular story.

Alright, thanks to jokez for that, now the first time I started posting this stuff

~By Sarda Sage~

Horror: So, how far is it to that temple place now?

*slinks of a certain crappy priest's shoulder with her shirt pulled low enough that one begins to expect to see...*
*the captain turns around to see*

Horror: Put me down, you THUG!!

Eli: But I didn't...

Captain: You heard the lady, now if you don't wanna...

*before the captain can finish his sentence, Horror and Eli extricate themselves from each other in a haste with eyes that seem to have become perfect circles, and the party continues on its way in complete silence... at least, for a while.*

~By Alphmega~

Of course, a little while lasted only about, oh, a miniute. Then all hell broke loose.

Horror: This...isn't going so well, is it?

Captain: I didn't figure it would.

Eli: I've been through worst.

Oh, a terrible fate bastowed onto our heros *cough*. For along their way, they had to pass through the most tretrous, the most appaling, the most disgusting...

BOG!

Dun Dun Dun!

"Kracka-boom!"

Horror: Did someone say something?

Elli *looking up*: Strange, I don't see any storm clouds.

Captain: Less jabbing, more trecking!

So the group goes on their merry way, pulling the "hand-capped" light-red mage along, with their now faithful puppy Yellow Wolf sniffing along.

Suddenly, four imps attacked!

Captain: Hey, they look familiar...

Imp 3: D00d, I think we are lost.

Imp 1: Dude, we so are not!

Elli: Yep, it's them. Didn't we kill them?

Horror: Yep.

Great Imp: Bro, these guy's the one you be havin' dah problem with?

Imp 2: Totally, dude.

Great Imp: Kay, we be dealin' the smack down on dem now!
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#8
~By Alphmega~

Before the Epic battle shall beging, lets go back to the Temple of Fiends!

Garland: So...see any good movies lately?

Asstoes: Well, actually...no.

Garland: Really now?

Asstoes: Yep.

Garland: Yep.

*Silence*

Asstoes: So...is your friend coming out of the bathroom anytime soon?

Garland: Ah, you know women, they always take a long time getting out of the bathroom. You know how they are.

Asstoes: Oh, I know, I know...the thing is, I got to go now! I only saw one bathroom in the area. Where is the other one?

Garland: Oh...well, this place only has one bathroom, you know.

Asstoes: ...You got to be kidding me!

Garland: Nope. It's usually not a problem since it's just me and the bats.

Asstoes: Man! I got to go both now! ****!

Garland: Litteral, huh?

~By jokez0~

[The battle with the imps is epic. Epic if you think a wolf eating a bunch of imps as if they were chew toys is epic. The party continues on through and out the bog.

Eli halts, the group only the forest grove away from the Temple of Fiends. Eli groans and staggers, putting his hand over his eyes as if a major headache suddenly washed over him.]

Captain: Yo, crap master, you ok?

Eli: There is a disturbance in the bowel... Someone is holding it in! How dare they! Charge! Beat the crap out of the infidels!

[The group charges through the forest. Meanwhile, Garland and Asstoes continue their crappy conversation.]

Garland: Just go outside in the woods and go.

Asstoes: What? That is sick.

Garland: And holding it isn't?

Asstoes: I don't think so.

Garland: And if you **** yourself, what happens then?

Asstoes: You are sick, you know that?

[Asstoes leaves the temple and 'goes' in the forest. As that happens the party reaches the entrance of the temple.]

Eli: Now, to save the princess Sara and kill the evil Garland!

Horror: ...What the heck was that for?

Eli: I dunno. I wanted to sound heroic.

Horror: Well. You failed.

Captain: PWNED!!

Eli: Why don't you go jump in a fecal lake of disembowelment?

Captain: Because I don't think one exists.

Eli: Good point.

[Garland, hearing voices outside of his door, goes to the entrance.]

Garland: Oh look. Girl scouts? Are you selling cookies again?

Horror: Actually. We are here to kill you.

Eli: And save princess Sara.

Horror: Who?

Eli: The princess. The person we are supposed to save?

Horror: I didn't sign up for saving people. I signed up to kill people.

Garland: You want to take the princess away?

Eli: Yeah, where is she?

Garland: I shall never tell! You impotent fools! I, the great Garlando, will knock you all up!

Horror: Did he just say he was going to knock me up?

Captain: Did he just call us impotent?

Eli: Did he just effin' call himself "The Great Garlando"??

Garland: Now, as the kidnapper, I choose our contest. A Polka Dance off... TO THE DEATH!

Captain: Or we could just kill you.

Garland: I'd like to see you try, zombie fingers.

[Graphic violence insues, the kind that you aren't allowed to watch until you are like 65 and you'd get a heart attack and die from seeing it.]
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#9
~By Sarda Sage~

/----------\
|Captain |
/----------\ /---------\
|Garland | |9 Dmg |
\----------/ \---------/
Garland: Ooowww! That HuuUUURRTS!
Captain: That's that point, can we get on with this?
Garland: I guess.
/----------\
|Garland |
/----------\ /---------\
|Eli | |10 Dmg|
\----------/ \---------/
Eli conterattacks with the pooper scooper.
/----------\
|Horror |
/----------\ /---------\
|Garland | |? Dmg |
\----------/ \---------/
Garland:... What was that?
Horror: Give it a moment.
*Horror leans forward while holding her breasts and smiles at Garland.
Garland: Wanna go somewhere and be alone?
Horror: Actually, that was a going away present.
Garland: ? ? ?
/----------\
|Horror |
/----------\ /---------\
|Garland | |20 Dmg|
\----------/ \---------/
Garland can't seem to stand up.
/-------------\
|Dog in tow|
/-----------\ /---------\
|Garlando| |X Dmg |
\-----------/ \---------/
Garland: No, NOT MY ****!
Garland dies from... SHOCK! Yeah that's it!
Horror: Eli.
Eli: Yeah?
Horror: That has to be the most ****** counterattack I've seen to date.
Eli: You should see the sword fighters from the church. Now that would blow your mind.
Horror: ... I don't wanna know. (Eli opens his mouth to say something) Seriously! I don't need to know! (Our favorite sexy mage says this with a spell that looks like it could destroy an entire planet.)

~By Sarda Sage~

Imp 1, 2, and 3 stand in a hall looking around.
Imp 3: D00d! Where's my respawn point?
Imp 2: Dude! Where's your respawn point?
Imp 1: Dude! Turn around!
Imp 2 and 3 look at each other, then at Imp 1.
Imp 3:... D00d! Where's my FIRE?
Imp 2: Hup, Dude! Here's your FIRE! *Hands a flame scroll to Imp 3...

~By Flying_sage~

Punter: We put this [Graphic violence insues, the kind that you aren't allowed to watch until you are like 65 and you'd get a heart attack and die from seeing it.] up for a reason. Who put that battle footage in?!
Assistant 1: That would be Ogin, sir!
Assistant 2: Yes, Ogin. (Whistles non-chalantly)
Punter: OGIN!!!
Ogin: Yes, sir.
Punter: Our ratings just went through the roof because we showed GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, and its all your fault!
Ogin: You mean that watered down crap?
Punter: Precisely!
Ogin: So, what's the problem?
Trump: You're FIRED!
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NQNRTLT/

User Info: DragonFistAbysi

DragonFistAbysi
1 month ago#10
~By Alphmega~

Princess Sara comes from the bathroom.

Sara: Wow, that was the fugliest looking bathroom. Very clean, though.

The Princess looks at the group, then at the corpse.

Sara: Um...I missed something, huh?

Elli: Princess Sara! We have come to save you from imperalist doom!

Sara: Wha?

Horror: Alright, look, she's there. We killed. Let's grab her and go! The Great Garlando is starting to stink!

Elli: Um, actually, that would be the...

Everyone blinks (including the bats and the wolf pup, but not Ramboner or the Princess), then looks down the hall, then at Sara.

Then a course of disguesments fill the air with the dangerous fumes.

Sara: What? Hey, it's not my fault! It...digestive problems!

Elli: Yes, Mi'lady....

Horror: Damn.

The Captain throws up in a trashcan.

Sara: Stop it! It is not that bad!

Elli: Um...yes, well, the quest is done! We may make the long treck back to Corneria!

Captain *from his bucket*: Long treck? We have only walked maybe 30 minutes!

Elli: No it hasn't!

Captain: Yes it has.

Elli: No, it's been longer.

Sara: Well, actually, yes, it has. You see, the map *The Princess pulls out of a map from her shoes* clearly shows that the total time, if walking, and including about five to ten random battles, the whole diration would be-

Elli: Alright, I get it! Can we go home?

Horror: Find with me! I think I pretty much got what I want. I got to kill and got a dog. I don't know what the hell any of you got, but it doesn't matter. Isn't that right, Michelle?

Horror makes a cute face to the dog, which obediently lets Horror pet it.

Captain: You named it Michelle?

Horror: Yah, so?

Captain: I think it looks more like a...um...Sammy.

Horror: Samantha? But that name does not go great with yellow!

Captain: No, not Samantha. Just Sammy, or Sam. Maybe Sammich!

Horror: You mean Sandwich, which is a good name.

Captain: Hell no! I mean Sammich!

Ramboner *from his made-shift cot*: I think Claire is a fine name. I had a dog named-

The Yellow Wolf (Michelle) instantly starts back to mauling on Ramboner.

Elli *through Ramboner's milk-curleling scream*: Can we go now? Now Garland is really starting to smell!

Sara: Are you sure it's safe?

Elli: Yes mi'lady, we go rid of, um, your kiddnapper.

Sara: I kinda ment you guys.

Horror: Last talking, more moving! Michelle, let's go!

Captain: So, Princess Sara, would you like a little captain in you?

And so the group walk out of the temple (besides Ramboner, he is wallowing in agony), leaving the grusome scene behind and bats. However...

Asstoes comes back from his "buisness."

Asstoes: I am soo never doing that again. I swear, those imps were watching. And I...hello? Hello?

~By Sarda Sage~

Dun, dun, DUN!!!!

Okay, so that wasn't a real post, but it's needed!

~By Sarda Sage~

Three days later, as Eli leads the group to the Castle home of Princess Sara, a thought occurs to the group.

Horror: Hey, Eli, I don't know how you can get lost going in a straight line, but I'm taking over.

Eli: No, no. I know where I'm going, we'll be fine.

Horror: Seriously, It was supposed to be a THIRTY minute walk back, and with you leading, it has turned into a 3 day hike. Now, GET IN BACK!!!

Eli obediently walks to the back behind the Princess and in a short time the group finally reaches Co(r)neria, followed by a yellow wolf dragon' what seems to be a very LARGE toy shaped like a man with circles for eyes with arms flung outward, while the forearms point in the direction of the trail.
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Horror huggles the wolf: Good dog!
It is a good story, and it helps a marine.
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