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  3. Okay, having just played this port of one of the best NES games ever...(spoilers

User Info: Armengard

Armengard
13 years ago#1
I'ma go ahead and invite the guy who thought the new soundtrack was a good idea to shoot themselves. What were you thinking, man? The intensively crappy sound effects were expected, what with the GBC's limited capabilities, but where's Ron Simmons(actually, he's in rehab right now, but...) when you need a proper DAMN? Oh, and the story changes...

____Paralyzed sleeping curse? PARALYZED SLEEPING? I'll just go ahead and ask: WHY THE **** WAS THAT ADDED!? It's like if someone made the Water Fairy in Dungeon Magic into a legless beach hobo who gave you an empty sword of malt liquor instead of the uncharged sword of Earth. And instead of charging the sword's energy with the magic demon face sculpture in that corrupted palace, you're taking your malt blade to the ****ING OGRE BAR AND BEATING DOWN THE OGRE BARKEEP'S FAMILY(AND CLOAKED VODKA DRUNKOWSKI PATRONS) UNTIL YOU GET ACCESS TO THE MOTHER ****ING GARGOYLE SHAPED MALT LIQUOR TAP TO FILL YOUR SWORD WITH FRESH LIQUID ENCOURAGEMENT! What the frick, man? Oh yeah, Voodoo witch doctor? Yeah, he looks exactly the same, but he's a vampire now, yup yup. Yeah, the Rabbit Boots he used to guard? Turns out, now Yoda, oh...I mean Zebu... had them all along and instead of giving them to you when you save the windmill keeper(who again, now needed saving because instead of being a lazy bum who just needed to be woke the **** up with an alarm flute from the local store, he's now the victim of PARAKLYZED(yeah, I put the k there) ****ING SLEEP MAGIC FROM NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR, and can only be healed by the MAGICAL ALARM FLUTE FROM THE EMPTY CAVE ACROSS THE STREET THAT DIDN'T USE TO BE THERE), thought you needed to prove your intentions yet again by killing the witch doctor, who again, is now a vampire, and looks exactly the same. I mean, Zebu now teleports to your side every time you so much as take a piss at the Leaf City Discount Holiday Inn. God damn, Zebu; if you have so much magical energy on this version, and so MANY ****ING MAGICAL ARTIFACTS HANDY, why the **** aren't YOU taking Dragonia down?


____Oh, can't forget to thank the programmers for the new glitches. Alright, there I was, in epic mortal combat(and believe you me, it's tough as hell to to get epic with these tinny Pokemon sound effects and Dark World Future Scenario Variant Sim City music tracks) with one of them rock golem dudes in the Wi-er, VAMPIRE's cave, and I'm about to die. Homeboy tosses his head at me while I'm mumbling about defeat to myself, and what happens? HOMEBOY'S ****ING HEAD GOES RIGHT THROUGH ME. Okay, first time, I say to myself, "Wow. Lucky break." Only then it happens again. AND AGAIN! After four of homeboy's ghost heads, I'm starting to think that the programmers got a little lazy. Later, when i'm done pondering this brand new, sheisty side of Zebu that just wasn't there when I last saw the nice old man in the NES version, I'ma hoppin' round the new field, trying not to gouge my eardrums out before I get Akahana's onyx statue, when I make a half-hop towards the river. Next thing I know, the ground where I was hopping is now river, the river near said ground where I was hopping is now ground, and now I'm stricken with the Paralyzed Sleeping Curse and wondering exactly when it was that Wally ****ing West charged the ground I was hopping on with the speed force. Thanks, dingbats.


____That's all I have right now, but coming soon is chapter 2: What Happened to You, Stom? You Used to be Cool...
The TC has lost his smile. A hiatus was in order.
Official Daredevil of the C&GN board

User Info: Armengard

Armengard
13 years ago#2
Hmm...it would seem that the battery is dead in my game. In order for me to continue, I would have to dig through some bargain bins or get to illegally downloading the game. Part 2 will come soon...probably...possible...hm, I got nothing. We'll see how long the manic side of my bipolarity decides to stay before I make any commitments to my loyal fanbase.
The TC has lost his smile. A hiatus was in order.
Official Daredevil of the C&GN board
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