Review by Genjuro Kibagami

Reviewed: 07/19/06

Atari and porn do not mix.

I never have cared much for pornography. I’d much rather spend the night sitting at a table with an attractive woman discussing fashion and hair-care tips over a piping hot cup of tea instead of watching two unattractive, STD-infested prostitutes engage in intercourse to the tune of lazy saxophones and 80’s synthesizers. But to dismiss a game solely based on its content would be a crime against nature. I mean, I didn’t pass on Final Fantasy X-2 despite its moronic valley girl theme, so why should I pass on other supposed high quality software, such as Mystique’s 1982 Atari 2600 release of Bachelor Party? It was my duty to try my luck with this forbidden cartridge.

I first I noticed that Bachelor Party was indeed a game of dirty smut capable of bringing baby Jesus to tears. The game is a BreakOut clone only with a new “sexy” theme. Instead of blocks, you have a wall of nude women in a scrunched up area with little breathing room, and you have to throw an excited, naked man who with your trusty flickering blue-ham sandwich. You can move the blue ham on rye with the unreliable Atari paddle so you can bat that man into all those “lucky” ladies.

Unfortunately it takes anywhere from one to two bounces from off the wall before our boy (I’ll call him Joe) begins zapping across the screen in a blur. Thanks to the natural crappiness of the Atari paddle, it becomes increasingly frustrating to move your ham on rye into Joe. Before you know it, you’ve lost your three lives and landed a Game Over.

But that’s not before you may dispel one of these walls of depravity. For whatever reason, it’s a common occurrence in Bachelor Party that Joe may immediately bounce off the walls in a way that he’ll take down an entire wall by himself for one combo. This probably wasn’t meant to happen. Of course, once this wall is gone another group of ladies pops up out of nowhere and Joe is flying back to your sandwich at top speed. Since you wouldn’t have been doing anything for the past minute, you’ll be abruptly woken up from a nap by the game’s high and nasally blips and bloops.

I can also honestly say this title isn’t sexy. Giant blobs of color poorly represent women and I still can’t figure out what the ham sandwich is supposed to be (some sort of aphrodisiac no doubt). Joe’s unit is quite the source of comedy with its tendency to move as if an 8 year old on a sugar high were rapidly turning a light switch off and on. Simply put, Bachelor Party is a poorly designed copy of BreakOut. If it hadn’t been for the “pornographic” content, it would be completely forgettable.

Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

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