Review by BimmyandJimmy

Reviewed: 02/14/08 | Updated: 12/03/13

I feel dirty after reviewing this game

Welcome to my Valentine’s Day review. This time, I shall review a game that involves romance, or anything to do with...well you know. Today, I am reviewing a 1982 cult classic game that shouldn’t be played by anyone. Custer’s revenge is just one of the many games in Mystique’s library of Porno games.

Nowadays, it’s obvious that Porno games never get produced because of the ESRB rating system, but back in the 80s, it seems that anyone could make any game they wanted, and sell it for money, including porno games, and believe me, there are tons of them out there. So are you ready? Hold on, it’s going to get rough from here.

GRAPHICS
As far as technology goes, Custer’s Revenge does a really great job at maximizing the Atari 2600’s graphical power. The problem is, the graphical power is put to use for the wrong reasons.

First off, the characters in this game are detailed and ‘interesting’ to look at. To get this out of the way right now, both you and the Native American woman are in your ‘elements’, so if you got a thing for that, then you’re in luck. Custard is wearing some accessories on him, like a handkerchief around his neck, cowboy boots on his feet and a blue hat on his head, and some huge snakebite on his pelvis. Let’s leave it at that.

The background in this game doesn’t look too bad. It actually looks like something out of a Wild West movie. You have your big brown mountains, looking over a Native American reserve below at its base, that rests on the nice, sandy looking ground, and the sight of some horny general getting it on with some chick. Wow.

SOUND/MUSIC
The music in Custer’s revenge is OK. When you start the game, you get this Atari version of a stereotypical Native sounding song. When you get ‘up close and personal’ with the girl, you get this Calvary sounding song, and when Custard gets killed, there is this slow, mournful sounding song.

I don’t think that there is any sound to the game, which is somehow a good thing.

GAMEPLAY
Oh man. If you ever wanted a game that tries to get guys exited, this game just knocks the ball out of the park, and when I say try, I mean that, because this game is just disgusting. What’s weird is the concept. I think it’s a cross between action and triple x romance. Let me explain.

In Custer’s revenge, the goal is to walk from one side of the screen while dogging arrows/ spears, cacti and other unknowable's and ‘rape’ the girl that’s tied to this green pole. That’s all you do, so you can bet that it gets boring after two minutes. You can play two players, IF you got a perverted friend over who likes very old video game porno (why you'd be friends with a person like that anyway is just beyond me, but whatever...)

So while this might sound easy, the frequent flaws in this game just make the game even more messed up than it already is.

For one, the controls are stiff, and no pun included, because they really are. For one thing, Custer can’t jump in this game. I don’t know why, but he can't. Also, you can only move forward or back. Up and down do nothing, but why? Don’t you think that they could make him move in four directions or something? That would make the game so much easier to play.

Also, the collision detection in this game is weird. For example, when arrows are falling from the sky, when they are just a foot over head of Custer, he somehow dies on the spot. Also, when you do the do, Custer gets points for penetration when his and hers don’t meet up, which is odd because in real life, you… ah forget it. Let’s just end it here.

GET IT OR PASS IT: Do you really want to buy it? I know I don’t, that’s for sure.

CONCLUSION: Well, that’s Custer’s revenge in a nutshell. If you ever are brave enough to ever play it, well, just be prepared for the most disturbing gaming experience in your entire life. Stay away from this at all cost.

Rating:   1.5 - Bad

Product Release: Custer's Revenge (US, 12/31/82)

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