Review by Zachthe3rd

Reviewed: 04/24/04

Beware the bathroom fairy of delight!

Lose your faith in humanity, now. For the C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mesa ride at dawn, and they're coming for you. Prepare to enter a world of international intrigue and intense medical perversion as you fight your way through dozens of poorly designed stages filled with a miniscule amount of deformed rabbit junkies and flip stick pushers. Can you handle the ultimate challenge that is Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mesa? The answer my friend (and I use the word friend here loosely), is no. Nobody in their right mind would punish themselves in such a way. There isn't a single person in written history that deserves such harsh and unjust treatment. Such is the workings of a crappy arcade game.

Allow me to tell you a tale of sorts, of a young man waiting for his girlfriend to finish looking for a new pair of shoes in the local mall. This young man decides a trip to the small, dimly-lit, smoke filled arcade should provide enough of a distraction during the break. Suddenly, he spots a cabinet unlike any he has seen before. Well the cabinet was familiar, since it said Mortal Kombat and had a picture of the claymation monstrosity Goro painted on the side. The thing that really captured his attention was what was happening on the small screen inside. Intrigued by the thought of beating up random creatures via an upright-walking cow, he throws in a quarter and begins his descent into depravity and madness.

''Awesome, cows that walk around and beat things to death for no reason whatsoever?! Now this is my kind of game!'' he thought to himself as he presses the button with a picture of a single stick figure. Oh how he would come to regret such a statement. Never before had he encountered such boring and simple ''gameplay,'' even for an arcade beat-em-up this was insultingly repetitive. No variation in terrain or background, two variations of enemy, and a constant supply of unnecessary health pickups. Foes refuse to attack, instead choosing to walk up to you and staring. To punch or kick? Does it really matter? No. If it weren't for the fact that the main character cannot walk through enemies, attacking would be pointless. Provided you are quick enough you can just waltz right past every enemy in the game and C-walk straight through the end of every stage.

If it weren't for my girlfriend finding me and telling me she wanted to leave I surely would have beaten my head against the wood panel covered wall in a futile attempt to wake myself from my obscenely boring nightmare. In the incredibly rare chance that you stumble across this horrid game, I suggest you turn yourself around and walk away. I know there will be something telling you to try it just once, simply to feed your morbid curiosity. But trust me, it isn't worth it. Avoid this game at all costs.

Rating: 1

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