Review by TheSAMMIES

Reviewed: 03/05/13

Drinking paint is more fun

Painted Lady, also called Splash, is one of those porn games that makes you play as a sentient inanimate object. In this case, a paint brush. Your quest as a paint brush is to magically paint on a large blue canvas. The thing is that you play as a paint brush that loves to paint pictures of naked women.

Huge warning! Painted Lady contains low resolution photographs of naked women. If you are too young to play games with pornographic content or are easily offended by such games, then you will want to skip this one.

Story- You play as a magic paintbrush that can paint anything it wants with the greatest of ease. Unfortunately, Mr. Paint Brush has enemies, gigantic bubbles that are out to kill him. You see, when Mr. Paint Brush is hit by a bubble, he putrefies alive. This would be disgusting if he were a human, but Mr. Paint Brush is just a paint brush. He’s made of wood and bristles. He doesn’t even have a face! His death animation is more silly than disturbing and is good for a good bit of dark comedy before it gets old.

Mr. Paint Brush is actually aware of his murderous bubble enemies and carries a gun with him wherever he goes. When bubbles go to attack Mr. Paint Brush, he can go ahead and shoot them dead because Mr. Paint Brush will kill you if you try to mess with him. He’s a total tough guy that way.

Presentation- Sprites are very limited and not very detailed either. There’s only one enemy in Painted Lady, and it’s bubbles. They look like ordinary boring bubbles. Nothing too exciting. Mr. Paint Brush himself just looks like an ordinary paint brush. His death animation is probably the best looking part of this game. What about the pretty ladies? Well… Maybe they were pretty in real life, but through the filter of 8-bit graphics, they look grainy.

Whenever you beat a level in Painted Lady, you are rewarded with a low resolution photograph of a woman wearing something like a bikini or a spandex exercise outfit. Clear another level and you get a picture of that same girl, but without a piece of clothing. Make no mistake, Painted Lady is a game about striptease and was designed with the intent of sucking quarters out of the pockets of hormone addled teenage boys. Eventually, if you clear enough levels, you get to see a picture of the woman in the photographs completely naked.

The sound is there. It isn’t especially good, but it’s not especially bad either. The same song is used for every level. It’s quiet, so it never gets annoying or repetitive.

Gameplay- Painted Lady plays a lot like how a Qix clone would play if it were designed by a man who had never seen or heard of Qix before, but his boss who speaks English as a second language demanded that he made a Qix clone and the man designing the game still only had a vague idea of how the game works. You uncover a picture not by cutting out pieces, but by simply painting. The game tells you to claim a certain amount of space while avoiding enemies and working around walls. As a result, Painted Lady is generally a lot easier and offers quite a bit more freedom than your standard Qix clone.

You also get a gun with limited bullets. Bullets aren’t restored when you continue, so try not to use them unless you have to because enemies respawn fast.

Painted Lady gets repetitive pretty fast with almost nothing in the way of level and enemy variety. The game doesn’t care. It duped you into paying quarters for grainy old photographs, didn’t it?

Cool Fact- Painted Lady is also an old timey word for prostitute. This probably flew straight over the heads of most arcade goers.

Boobs!- You see them at the end of some levels. The second girl you see had huge ones that are actually not sexy at all. There’s a line between “bigger is better” and “Ah! Too big!”

Also Try- Celery on the PC98. In Painted Lady you play as a paint brush that wants to see naked women. In Celery you play as a laundry basket that wants to see naked women.

Rating: 4

Product Release: Painted Lady (US, 12/31/92)

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