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FAQ/Walkthrough by ASchultz

Version: 1.0.0 | Updated: 08/05/01

Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head or Tail of It
FAQ/Walkthrough version 1.0.0
Copyright 2001 by Andrew Schultz schultza@earthlink.net
valid for Apple and PC

Please do not reproduce for profit without my permission.  If you wish 
to use this FAQ, drop me a line addressing me by name(but not e-mail 
address) and ask for this FAQ specifically, and I will likely respond 
favorably.

Although the game has a built-in hint system, this document is a sort of 
"ultimate spoiler" and keeps track of the puzzles you may not need to 
solve.  It also annotates some of the more obscure references and 
highlights no-way-out traps.

****  AD SPACE  ****

Visit my games page at 
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Exhibit/2762/games/games.htm
My home page is http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Exhibit/2762/

================================

  ACT THE PART

  BUY THE FARM

  EAT YOUR WORDS

  GO TO THE SHOPPING BIZARRE

  PLAY JACKS

  SHAKE A TOWER

  VISIT THE MANOR OF SPEAKING

  MEET THE MAYOR

    KEY WORDS TO MEET THE MAYOR

    THE ACTUAL WALKTHROUGH

  VERSIONS/CREDITS

================================

================================

  ACT THE PART

================================

This is the second-shortest and the most slapstick of all your trials.  
Basically, Bob, your chiseling brother-in-law, comes by, and you are 
duty bound to soak up all the yucks you can.  You must perform all ten 
gags to complete this stage.

Locations:
  KITCHEN
  LIVING ROOM(start)

Items:
  MATCH(in your coat)
  SPONGE(kitchen)
  HOT WATER BOTTLE(kitchen)
  SCALPEL-LIKE KNIFE(kitchen)
  YELLOW RUBBER GLOVES(kitchen)

How to get points:
  WHO'S THERE? (response to "knock knock") sets up "BOB WHO?"(1)--the 
joke is a play on the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann."
  You automatically shake Bob's hand next even if you try to avoid it.
  You should probably stock up in the kitchen.  Then when you come back,
  "What's this fly doing in my soup?" BACKSTROKE(1)  Bob then leaves for 
the kitchen.
  PUT BOTTLE UNDER CUSHION(1) so Bob can't see it.
  LIGHT MATCH and PUT MATCH IN SHOE(1)...you should hear a knocking 
next.
  The WHO'S THERE? routine followed up with GORILLA WHO?(1) is next.
  Then another WHO'S THERE? followed by DWAYNE WHO?(1) is mercifully the 
last.

  Other events that can be done any time:
  TAKE SHADE and WEAR SHADE(1)
  EXAMINE SPONGE and say BOB(1)
  GIVE BOB A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY(1) with the scalpel-like knife
  WEAR GLOVES, TAKE CORD and SHAKE HANDS(1) with Bob.

Miscellaneous gags:
  Try "KISS LADY"

No-way-out traps:
  If you don't respond "BACKSTROKE" immediately, Bob won't ask again, 
and you won't be able to win.

================================

BUY THE FARM

================================

  You must complete all nineteen puzzles to complete this level.  I'd 
say it's better than "eat your words" as there are fewer abstract 
figures of speech, and those that are there are more recognizeable.

  Mostly every place on the farm is accessible from the other:  BARN, 
BARNYARD(sow's ear and tail here,) STABLE, FIELD, ROAD.  There is also 
TOWN, only accessible from ROAD once you get the horse and cart rigged 
up.  There is the LOFT where you find a hammer, only accessible from the 
BARN.

  This walkthrough assumes you pick up items as you find them.

--TEACH OLD DOG NEW TRICKS by the Road to get a stone.  Now go to the 
field.
--MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL in the field to produce crops
--KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE so they stop preying on the crops
--FIND NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK to get the needle.  Now to the stable.

--LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH(this can be done at any time but clues 
you to the next action)
--LEAD A HORSE TO WATER
--MAKE HIM DRINK and he runs out to the road
--PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE so you can get to town without walking
--MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR once you have them.

  Here's what to do in town:
--UPSET THE APPLE CART to feed your horse with an apple
--BUY PIG IN A POKE which allows you to get the bag
--PICK A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS(the guy is Peter Piper, you see)

  After you've done enough in town, you see a donkey head to the stable.  
Go there and
--PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY

  Here are puns that can be done at any time:
--PUT MY NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE(loft)
--HIT BROAD SIDE OF THE BARN(barnyard, barn)
--DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK after you go to the barn(the dog tips over 
the milk) and the dog comes running back.
--HAMMER SWORDS INTO PLOWSHARES(barnyard--you need the hammer)

  Here's what you can do after town:
--LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG(for a bad pun from the computer, replace 
LET with GET)

--SOW MY WILD OATS doesn't seem to be applicable until near the end.  
There's no "wild oats" item or other indication, but you may need to go 
to market and get the pickled peppers first.

================================

  EAT YOUR WORDS

================================

  The layout is pretty simple;  there's level one and level two, and 
once you score twelve points by doing things to or around the 
waitress(who follows you between the two places,) you can go into the 
kitchen.  As the figures of speech are tough to figure out, you need 
only get twelve of the twenty-two before the waitress, who's an amusing 
piece of work to say the least, lets you enter the kitchen, after which 
there are nine more points.  The cook can kill you when you are in the 
frying pan.

  You receive items after so many successful figures of speech.  After 
the first one you get a hatchet.  Then you get four items for the next 
ten figures of speech(this seems random) and the twelfth gets you the 
sixth item and allows you into the kitchen.  The items are as follows, 
and they are always in the order below:

  Hatchet, Humble Pie, "Collective of Lions," Fortune Cookie with salt 
shaker, crow, napkin, and rump roast

  On the second floor, there are an olive tree(with a branch you can 
take,) a carpet, just desserts, and a rake.  On the first floor, there 
are a short shrift and a neon sign.

  On to the figures of speech that get you points!
--VENT SPLEEN ON WAITRESS
--PULL WOOL OVER HER EYES
--GET HER DANDER UP
--KNOCK CHIP OFF HER SHOULDER
--TURN TABLE ON THE WAITRESS(first level only)
--TAKE UMBRAGE WITH WAITRESS(first level only)
--GIVE SHORT SHRIFT TO THE WAITRESS(note that the tablecloth is referred 
to as "short shrift."
--TURN THE OTHER CHEEK(should be done immediately after another figure 
of speech as it doesn't always work)
--RAKE WAITRESS OVER THE COALS(take rake on second level--this must be 
done by the coals on the second level)
--READ WAITRESS THE RIOT ACT(again must be done on the second level, 
where a sign proclaims the Riot Act)
--HIT CEILING(only done on second level, where the ceiling is low)
--GIVE OLIVE BRANCH TO WAITRESS(it is on the second level but you can 
give it to her on the first)
--CALL WAITRESS ON TO THE CARPET
--TAKE SIGN on first level and GIVE WAITRESS COMEUPPANCE as the sign 
says "Comeuppance"(mispronounced, "Come up and see!")
--GIVE WAITRESS THE EVIL EYE
--LOOK AT WAITRESS WITH JAUNDICED EYE
--WAVE THE WHITE FLAG once you have the napkin
--SWALLOW MY PRIDE(the "collective of lions")
--EAT HUMBLE PIE
--GET DOWN TO NITTY GRITTY(once you "EAT CROW" you see the crow is 
nitty-gritty)
--GIVE JUST DESSERTS TO WAITRESS
--BREAK THE FORTUNE COOKIE and TAKE ADVICE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT as the 
advice is a bit condescending!

  On to the kitchen.  You'll need to complete all nine tasks here, and 
you'll want to bring the hatchet, although it isn't critical if you 
forget it.  The first order of business is to annoy the cook, then 
you'll need to get rid of the ox in the kitchen.

--WIPE BLOOD WITH CAPE to get rid of the bad blood between you and the 
cook.
Wait for his pet peeves to come in.
--GET THE COOK'S GOAT
--COOK HIS GOOSE
--MAKE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE COOK
--WAVE THE CAPE
These four can be done in any order, and you will be thrown into the 
frying pan.
--JUMP FROM FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE(if you don't you'll be killed)
--LEAVE COOK TO HIS OWN DEVICES(or the cook will kill you!)
--SHARPEN THE AX(if you don't have it, the Ox will let you back into the 
dining area to pick it up)
--GORE THE OX to, well, gore the ox.

  Note that putting your nose to the grindstone does no good, unlike in 
Buy the Farm.  You need to use the grindstone to sharpen the ax.

================================

  GO TO THE SHOPPING BIZARRE

================================

  In this one, you need to identify homonyms.  For combining fun and 
ease, this one is tops.  Many items you don't need to worry about, but 
your goal is to buy one of them--problem is, you're penniless.  There 
are also a couple of goofy side quests which make this the most complex 
of the scenes plot-wise.  This also appears to be the only scenario in 
the game other than Buy the Farm where you cannot be killed or trapped.

  Locations:

    Dessert Aisle
    British
    Meets
    Musselaneous
    Write
    Manicotti
--All the above are mutually accessible.
    Cellar:  only accessible from Write, and it can only return there

  Items: (correct homonyms that get you a point are BOLD.  Items you 
need to win have an asterisk)
    Moose/MOUSSE and pie/PI are in Dessert Aisle
    Putting/PUDDING and ants/AUNTS that appear around the pudding are in 
British
    Mince/MINTS and steak/STAKE are in Meets
    Tacks/TAX* and sail/SALE* are in Musselaneous
    Clause/CLAWS and quartz/QUARTS* and flour/FLOWER*(which has a 
scent/CENT*) and stationary/STATIONERY are in Write.  You will also need 
to take the locks/LOX* and jamb/JAM*.
    A SELLER* is in the Cellar
    A little brat runs around the store.  Change the worst brat into 
BRATWURST and when you run into the aunts, who may mill around to other 
locations than British, GIVE BRAT TO AUNTS.
    There's a cereal murderer in the store, and to nail him, GIVE MINT 
TO MAN and KILL MAN WITH STAKE.
    PUT LOX ON SALE and BUY LOX to win this scenario.

    You can get by with only nine points if you're frugal.  This is the 
most flexible of all the scenes.

================================

  PLAY JACKS

================================

This is a bit of an oddball.  Once you realize that you need to operate 
the jack-of-all-trades(found in the House that Jack Built) it is not too 
bad.

Locations:

  From JACKVILLE you can go OUT into the forest(all whiteness and cold) 
or IN to the house.
  From the HOUSE you can go OUT to Jackville.
  From ALL WHITENESS AND COLD you can go out twice before Jack Frost 
starts nipping at your nose.  Keep doing so and you walk into an 
avalanche.
  From NEAR POND you can go IN to a pond.

Items:
  Jack-of-all-trades, which you find in the house that Jack built, turns 
into many items.  The ways to turn the jack into the item and back are 
listed below:
    Jack-in-the-box(TURN CRANK/CLOSE BOX)
    Jacket(WEAR SLEEVES/REMOVE JACKET)
    Jacuzzi(TURN FAUCET/PULL PLUG)
    Jackhammer(FLIP SWITCH/TURN OFF JACKHAMMER)
    Jackknife(PULL METAL/CLOSE KNIFE)
    Jackrabbit(PULL BALL/none, the rabbit escapes):  this is not 
necessary to complete the segment
  You get a point for trying each one of these.

How to get points:
  JACK FROST(1) while in All Whiteness and Cold, after you feel him 
nipping at your nose, turns into "Jack be nimble"
  TURN CRANK(1) while at Near Pond to make Jack Frost happy
  FLIP SWITCH(1) to drill a hole in the ice while On Frozen Pond
  TURN FAUCET(1) after you've turned the jackhammer off.  PULL PLUG gets 
another point here.
  CUT LINE WITH KNIFE(1) to complete the deal.

================================

  SHAKE A TOWER

================================

  Spoonerisms are the theme here.  For instance, this is a spoonerism 
for "Take a Shower."  Some are a little stretched, but most are quite 
good.  There is also the only stand-alone two-point action here("Play 
Jacks" allowed you to make two points with some actions, i.e. use part 
of the jack-of-all-trades the first time to solve a puzzle,) and there's 
the trickiest "optional point" in the whole game.  You can also get 
killed twice by the clean giant;  once on cloud 673 and once on the bean 
stalk where he tries to sew you to the sheets.  However, there is a 
nasty bug here;  walk away from the Clearing after you've taken your 
bike there and you'll find you can't get back.

  As for the map:  From the Clearing, you are transported via a 
spoonerism to the shore.  Then you go to the factory, where you have 
three-way movement between the factory, shore, and stock room.  You can 
climb up from the stock room to the bean stalk, then up to Cloud 673.  
You need to solve a puzzle to get back down again.  Once you own a 
bicycle, the clearing is added to the factory, shore and stock room.  
However, the whole beanstalk experience is not critical to solving the 
game.  In fact, you need only get twelve points to solve the game, 
although you will have to have advance knowledge.  There's also a bug 
then:  "you needed to do fourteen more things."  Actually, it's thirteen 
in this case, as one action is worth two points.  I've listed the very 
quick walkthrough below.

  The first part is relatively idyllic.
--1. DINE ON THE SHORE(pearl "shines on the door")
--2. GRITTY PEARL("pretty girl")
--3. CAN OF PEAS("Pan of Keys") and then take all items
--4. TAKE OFF MY SHOES("Shake off my toes")
--5. FEED ROCKS
--6. RED FOX("Fed rocks")
--7. DEAR OLD QUEEN("Queer old dean")
--8. LOVING SHEPHERD("Shoving leopard")
--9. READ BETWEEN THE LINES("Lead between the Rhines"--pushing it a bit 
there)
--10.FOLLOW SHEPHERD(not a spoonerism, but this is the instruction from 
9.) to the Factory.
--11.RIDDLE WHILE FOAM BURNS(fiddle while Rome burns.)  The icicle 
drops...
--12.WELL OILED BICYCLE(well boiled icicle)
--13.MAKE SMALL TALK WITH SOLD ELF(tall smock)
--14.Get on the bike and go to the clearing.  Then get off the bike and 
UNLOCK DOOR WITH SHINY KEY--you win!  Note that, to enter the door, you 
must have possession of the Gritty Pearl.
  There are thirteen actions above, but you don't get a point for the 
first or tenth.

  Now for the optional ones:
--before 1, type "HEAD LOUSE."(Lead House, 1)  You can't change back to 
the Lead House--yet.
--between 6 and 7 type "HAIR RAISING EXPERIENCE"(Rare Hazing Experience, 
1)--if you don't do it now you'll never get this point.  Pretty obscure.
--between 10 and 11 you should type "EXTRACT RABBIT FROM HAT"(the 
shepherd/deacon is trying to extract the habit from large rat, 2)--the 
book that's dropped is a book of riddles, thus giving the hint for 11.  
Now wear the hat, and the louse jumps into the hat.  "FROM LARGE HAT" 
above won't work.
--all the other steps are between 12 and 13.
  In the Stock Room:
--OLD SELF(sold elf, 1)
--CLEAN GIANT(jean client, 1)
--CLIMB STALK(1)
--SQUARE MEAL(mare squeal, 1)
--CRUSHING BLOW(blushing crow, 1)
--remove hat, give hat to giant, LEAD HOUSE(head louse, 1) knocks him 
down a peg.
--BED SHEETS(shed of beets--a stretch here!--1) and TIE SHEETS TO CLOUD 
and CLIMB DOWN.
--SHOW MYSELF TO ANOTHER SEAT
--GIVE CRUSHING BLOW TO GIANT(1)
--PRETTY GIRL, GIVE SQUARE MEAL TO GIRL, GRITTY PEARL(1)
--GET ON BIKE, CLEARING, GET OFF BIKE, UNLOCK DOOR WITH SHINY KEY(1)--
hooray, you're done!

  Be sure to talk with your old self/sold elf a few times for humor 
value.

================================

  VISIT THE MANOR OF SPEAKING

================================

  This is a weird one, and I don't really get its point.  Fortunately, 
it's not too tough, with only seven puzzle points overall, and there are 
only a few rooms to visit.

  You start out BEFORE THE MANOR, but once you head to one of the 
KREMLIN, DOLDRUMS, ATTIC, INTERIOR DECORATED you can't go back to the 
original.  However, each room is accessible from the others.
  Note that the Doldrums are rather nasty;  you can't use the same word 
twice, so eventually you can run out of words and are stuck.  You can 
also get stuck in Interior Decorated.  When the computer asks you what 
you want in return, leave and come back.  You will not be able to pick 
up the chair and will be stuck.
  There's also a small bug in that you aren't told you can go to the 
Attic from the Pharmacy, but you can.

  On to the solution!  This one is presented as a straight move-by-move 
solution, since you need to get all seven points to win.

--DOLDRUMS.  GET CLOCK.  PHARMACY.  GET BOX.  OPEN CABINET.  GET BOTTLE.  
WIND CLOCK(1).  PUT CLOCK IN BOX.  CLOSE BOX.  KREMLIN(1).  DROP BOX.  
OPEN BOX.  INTERIOR.  PUT BOTTLE ON MANTEL.  YES(1).  LOUIS XIV(1).  GET 
CHAIR.  KREMLIN.  DROP CHAIR.  TAKE CLOCK.  GET ON CHAIR.  UNLOCK SAFE 
WITH KEY(the clock key)(1).  OPEN SAFE.  TAKE REVOLUTION.  GET OFF 
CHAIR.  ATTIC.  REVOLVE THE ATTIC.  You win!

================================

  MEET THE MAYOR

================================

    KEY WORDS TO MEET THE MAYOR

      A nice quasi-save feature allows you to skip over certain 
scenarios even if you haven't saved the game.  If you try to meet the 
mayor without completing something, the game asks you about the rank you 
get after completing each uncompleted scenario.  The answers are below.

--Act the Part:  King of Comedy
--Buy the Farm:  Sodbuster
--Eat Your Words:  Satisfied Customer
--Go to the Shopping Bizarre:  Super Saver
--Play Jacks:  Jackster
--Shake a Tower:  Kinkering Cong
--Visit the Manor of Speaking:  Honored Guest

    THE ACTUAL WALKTHROUGH

      This finale is a bit weird, and it combines the previous puzzles.  
When I was young I got confused here and completely resorted to the 
hints, as some of the phrases are a bit obscure.

      The map is pretty simple.  From the LOBBY you can access OUTSIDE 
and go UP to the bathroom.  The horn is found outside, and there's a 
pack of beer in the lobby and a comb and laundry in the bathroom.

--POSSESSION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW(1) or TAKE POSSESSION OF THE HORN 
will get you the horn("your own horn")
--BEAT AROUND THE BUSH(1) to find a ticket stub, referred to afterwards 
as a blessing(examine it and it will make more sense)

    ****Note:  the next four are a "side quest" not necessary to 
complete this scenario.  If you THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATH too 
soon
--TAKE BEER UNDER FALSE PRETENSES(1) in the lobby
--AJAR(1) reveals the closet.
--SEARCH CLOSET WITH FINE TOOTH COMB(1) allows you to...
--DEEP-SIX THE SKELETON(1) in the bathroom(note:  you must be holding 
the "deep six" beer)

--LAME DUCK(1) in the bathroom and Mayor Kazooli appears
--TOOT MY OWN HORN(1) around the Mayor
--THROW BABY OUT WITH THE BATH(1) sends the Mayor to the lobby--this can 
be done almost any time after saying "lame duck" but must be done before 
giving the decree to the mayor.
--AIR DIRTY LAUNDRY(1) that you found in the bathroom outdoors
--PUT BLESSING IN DISGUISE(1) outdoors, since you can't bring the 
blessing inside.
--BLESS MAYOR(1)--this is tricky, as you must leave the blessing 
outside, find the disguise under the laundry, and put the blessing in 
disguise.
--GIVE DECREE TO MAYOR(1) when he's in the lobby--it must be done last, 
or he won't think you're good enough.
--REST ON MY LAURELS(1) after you TAKE LAUREL outside and you've won the 
game!  Congratulations!

================================

  VERSIONS/CREDITS

8/3/2001:  submitted version 1.0.0 to GameFAQs
theunderdogs.org and ftp.apple.asimov.net for keeping oldies like this 
alive!

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